TEDWomen 2016
Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger: Our story of rape and reconciliation
索爾蒂絲 · 艾娃、湯姆 · 斯特蘭傑: 我們的故事－關強暴與和解的故事
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Readability: 4.4
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1996年，索爾蒂絲 · 伊娃跟來自澳洲的交換學生湯姆 · 斯特蘭傑共享了青少年時期的浪漫戀情。一場校園舞會後，湯姆性侵了索爾蒂絲，之後他們分開了多年。在這場非凡的演說裡，伊娃和斯特蘭傑回溯了這些年的羞愧和沈默，並邀請聽眾以一種更新更誠實的方式來探討這無所不在的性暴力全球議題。與講者的問答，請參考go.ted.com/thordisandtom.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of sexual violence
and descriptions of sexual violence
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（本演講含有性暴力的圖像及描述，
建議觀眾斟酌考量。）
00:15
Viewer discretion is advised]
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00:16
Tom Stranger: In 1996,
when I was 18 years old,
when I was 18 years old,
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湯姆斯特蘭傑：
1996 年，我 18 歲時，
1996 年，我 18 歲時，
00:19
I had the golden opportunity to go
on an international exchange program.
on an international exchange program.
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我有個絕佳機會能夠參加
一項國際交換學生計畫。
一項國際交換學生計畫。
00:24
Ironically I'm an Australian
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
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諷刺的是，我是澳洲人，
卻偏好冰冷的天氣。
卻偏好冰冷的天氣。
00:27
so I was both excited and tearful
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
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因此當我剛跟父母與兄弟告別完，
搭上飛往冰島的飛機，
心情是又興奮又傷心的。
心情是又興奮又傷心的。
00:32
after just having farewelled
my parents and brothers goodbye.
my parents and brothers goodbye.
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00:36
I was welcomed into the home
of a beautiful Icelandic family
of a beautiful Icelandic family
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迎接我的是一個美好的冰島家庭，
00:39
who took me hiking,
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他們帶我去健行，
00:41
and helped me get a grasp
of the melodic Icelandic language.
of the melodic Icelandic language.
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並幫助我了解優美的冰島語言。
00:45
I struggled a bit with the initial
period of homesickness.
period of homesickness.
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我在剛到這裡的時候很想家。
00:48
I snowboarded after school,
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我在放學後會去滑雪，
00:50
and I slept a lot.
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而且睡很多覺。
00:52
Two hours of chemistry class in a language
that you don't yet fully understand
that you don't yet fully understand
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兩個小時的化學課，
用我還無法完全理解的語言來講授，
用我還無法完全理解的語言來講授，
00:56
can be a pretty good sedative.
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是種很好的鎮靜劑。
00:58
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:00
My teacher recommended
I try out for the school play,
I try out for the school play,
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我的老師建議我
嘗試學校的戲劇表演，
嘗試學校的戲劇表演，
01:03
just to get me a bit more socially active.
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只是想讓我在社交上更積極些。
01:06
It turns out I didn't end up
being part of the play,
being part of the play,
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最後，我沒有在劇中演出任何角色，
01:08
but through it I met Thordis.
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但透過這個機緣，
我遇到了索爾蒂絲。
我遇到了索爾蒂絲。
01:11
We shared a lovely teenage romance,
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我們共渡了浪漫青春，
01:13
and we'd meet at lunchtimes
to just hold hands
to just hold hands
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我們在午餐時間見面，手牽手，
01:16
and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.
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在雷克雅維克的古老鬧區散步。
01:18
I met her welcoming family,
and she met my friends.
and she met my friends.
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我見了她那熱情的家庭，
她也見了我的朋友。
她也見了我的朋友。
01:22
We'd been in a budding relationship
for a bit over a month
for a bit over a month
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我們的萌芽期關係
持續了一個多月時間，
持續了一個多月時間，
01:25
when our school's Christmas Ball was held.
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這時學校正要舉辦聖誕舞會。
01:30
Thordis Elva: I was 16
and in love for the first time.
and in love for the first time.
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索爾蒂絲艾娃：
我當時 16 歲，那是我的初戀。
我當時 16 歲，那是我的初戀。
01:33
Going together to the Christmas dance
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一起去參加聖誕舞會
01:35
was a public confirmation
of our relationship,
of our relationship,
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就是在公開確認我們的關係，
01:38
and I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.
girl in the world.
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我覺得自己是世界上最幸運的女生。
01:41
No longer a child, but a young woman.
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我不再是個小女孩，
而是個年輕女子。
而是個年輕女子。
01:44
High on my newfound maturity,
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剛剛轉成熟，我還很興奮，
01:46
I felt it was only natural to try drinking
rum for the first time that night, too.
rum for the first time that night, too.
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我也覺得在那晚第一次嘗試
喝蘭姆酒是很自然的。
喝蘭姆酒是很自然的。
01:51
That was a bad idea.
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那真是個壞主意。
01:53
I became very ill,
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我變得很不舒服，
01:55
drifting in and out of consciousness
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在每次突發的嘔吐之間，
01:56
in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.
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我的意識時而清醒時而恍惚。
02:00
The security guards wanted
to call me an ambulance,
to call me an ambulance,
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保全人員想幫我叫救護車，
02:03
but Tom acted as my knight
in shining armor,
in shining armor,
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但湯姆扮演起我的白馬王子，
02:06
and told them he'd take me home.
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他告訴他們，他會帶我回家。
02:08
It was like a fairy tale,
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就像童話故事一樣，
02:10
his strong arms around me,
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他強壯的手臂摟著我，
02:12
laying me in the safety of my bed.
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扶著我直到我安全地躺在床上。
02:15
But the gratitude that I felt
towards him soon turned to horror
towards him soon turned to horror
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但我對他的感激，很快轉變成恐懼，
02:20
as he proceeded to take off my clothes
and get on top of me.
and get on top of me.
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因為他開始脫掉我的衣服，
爬到我身上。
爬到我身上。
02:25
My head had cleared up,
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我的頭腦清醒了，
02:26
but my body was still
too weak to fight back,
too weak to fight back,
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但我的身體還是太虛弱，無法反擊，
02:29
and the pain was blinding.
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痛楚讓我視線模糊。
02:32
I thought I'd be severed in two.
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我覺得我會被撕裂成兩半。
02:35
In order to stay sane,
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為了保持理智，
02:37
I silently counted the seconds
on my alarm clock.
on my alarm clock.
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我默默地聽著時鐘，計算著每一秒。
02:41
And ever since that night,
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從那天晚上之後，
02:43
I've known that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours.
seconds in two hours.
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我就知道了兩小時共有 7200 秒。
02:51
Despite limping for days
and crying for weeks,
and crying for weeks,
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儘管我跛行了好幾天、
哭了好幾週之外，
哭了好幾週之外，
02:54
this incident didn't fit my ideas
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
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這個事件跟我在電視上
看到的強暴概念並不相符。
看到的強暴概念並不相符。
02:59
Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;
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湯姆並不是有武裝的瘋子；
03:01
he was my boyfriend.
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他是我的男朋友。
03:03
And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,
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且這件事並不是
發生在骯髒的小巷裡，
發生在骯髒的小巷裡，
03:05
it happened in my own bed.
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而是在我自己的床上。
03:08
By the time I could identify
what had happened to me as rape,
what had happened to me as rape,
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等到我能確認
我遇到的事就是強暴時，
我遇到的事就是強暴時，
03:12
he had completed his exchange program
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他已經完成了交換學生計畫，
03:14
and left for Australia.
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離開冰島回澳洲。
03:16
So I told myself it was pointless
to address what had happened.
to address what had happened.
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所以我告訴自己，
再提這件事也沒有意義。
再提這件事也沒有意義。
03:20
And besides,
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此外，
03:21
it had to have been my fault, somehow.
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不知怎麼的，我總覺得這是我的錯。
03:24
I was raised in a world
where girls are taught
where girls are taught
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在我成長的世界中，
女孩們被教導的是，
女孩們被教導的是，
03:27
that they get raped for a reason.
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女孩被強暴一定是有理由的。
03:29
Their skirt was too short,
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一定是她們的裙子太短了，
03:32
their smile was too wide,
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她們笑容得太大了，
03:34
their breath smelled of alcohol.
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她們的口氣中有酒精的味道。
03:38
And I was guilty of all of those things,
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以上這些，我都有罪，
03:40
so the shame had to be mine.
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所以這羞辱是我罪有應得。
03:43
It took me years to realize
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我花了好多年才了解，
03:45
that only one thing could have stopped me
from being raped that night,
from being raped that night,
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只有一樣東西能阻止
我在那晚被強暴，
我在那晚被強暴，
03:49
and it wasn't my skirt,
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而那東西並不是我的裙子，
03:51
it wasn't my smile,
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不是我的笑容，
03:53
it wasn't my childish trust.
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不是我幼稚的信任。
03:55
The only thing that could've stopped me
from being raped that night
from being raped that night
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能阻止我在那晚被強暴的，
03:59
is the man who raped me --
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只有強暴我的男人，
04:01
had he stopped himself.
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如果他能制止他自己。
04:04
TS: I have vague memories of the next day:
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湯姆：我隔天的記憶很模糊：
04:07
the after effects of drinking,
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這是喝酒的後果，
04:10
a certain hollowness
that I tried to stifle.
that I tried to stifle.
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是我試圖抑止的一種空虛感。
04:13
Nothing more.
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其他什麼都沒有。
04:15
But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
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但我沒有去索爾蒂絲家找她。
04:19
It is important to now state
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現在，很重要的是要說明，
04:21
that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
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我當時並不清楚自己做的是什麼。
04:24
The word "rape" didn't echo
around my mind as it should've,
around my mind as it should've,
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「強暴」這個詞並沒有在
我腦中迴盪，雖然它應該要。
我腦中迴盪，雖然它應該要。
04:28
and I wasn't crucifying myself
with memories of the night before.
with memories of the night before.
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而我也沒有因前晚的記憶
而嚴厲斥責我自己。
而嚴厲斥責我自己。
04:33
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,
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它不太像是一種有意識的拒絕，
04:35
it was more like any acknowledgment
of reality was forbidden.
of reality was forbidden.
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比較像是…承認現實是被禁止的。
04:40
My definition of my actions completely
refuted any recognition
refuted any recognition
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我對我的行為所做的定義，
可說是完全否認了
可說是完全否認了
我對索爾蒂絲造成的巨大創傷。
04:44
of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
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04:48
To be honest,
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老實說，
04:49
I repudiated the entire act
in the days afterwards
in the days afterwards
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在之後的日子裡，
我拒絕承認這個行為，
我拒絕承認這個行為，
04:54
and when I was committing it.
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在我做出這件事的當下也拒絕承認。
04:57
I disavowed the truth by convincing
myself it was sex and not rape.
myself it was sex and not rape.
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我說服自己，那是性愛而非強暴，
用這方式來否認真相。
用這方式來否認真相。
05:02
And this is a lie I've felt
spine-bending guilt for.
spine-bending guilt for.
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而這是個謊言，讓我一直
感到極度罪惡的謊言。
感到極度罪惡的謊言。
05:08
I broke up with Thordis
a couple of days later,
a couple of days later,
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幾天之後我跟索爾蒂絲分手了，
05:10
and then saw her a number of times
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我在冰鳥的那年，
05:12
during the remainder
of my year in Iceland,
of my year in Iceland,
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後來還見過她幾次。
05:14
feeling a sharp stab
of heavyheartedness each time.
of heavyheartedness each time.
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每次見到她，都感悲哀的銳利一刺。
05:18
Deep down, I knew I'd done
something immeasurably wrong.
something immeasurably wrong.
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在內心深處，
我知道我犯下了極大的錯誤。
我知道我犯下了極大的錯誤。
05:23
But without planning it,
I sunk the memories deep,
I sunk the memories deep,
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但我沒有刻意計畫，
就自動讓記憶沉入心底，
就自動讓記憶沉入心底，
05:26
and then I tied a rock to them.
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還將它綁在一顆大石頭上。
05:30
What followed is a nine-year period
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接下來的九年，
05:31
that can best be titled
as "Denial and Running."
as "Denial and Running."
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最適合被稱為「否認和逃跑」期。
05:36
When I got a chance to identify
the real torment that I caused,
the real torment that I caused,
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當我有機會可以去確認
我造成的巨大痛苦時，
我造成的巨大痛苦時，
05:40
I didn't stand still long enough to do so.
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我卻選擇逃走而不去確認。
05:44
Whether it be via distraction,
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不管是透過什麼方式，如分散注意力、
05:46
substance use,
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使用違禁品、
05:47
thrill-seeking
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尋求刺激，
05:49
or the scrupulous policing
of my inner speak,
of my inner speak,
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或謹慎守好我內在的舵輪，
05:52
I refused to be static and silent.
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我拒絕保持靜止和沉默。
05:56
And with this noise,
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因為有這雜音，
05:58
I also drew heavily
upon other parts of my life
upon other parts of my life
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我更深深仰賴我生活中的其他部分，
06:01
to construct a picture of who I was.
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來建構出我是誰的形象。
06:04
I was a surfer,
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我曾是衝浪客、
06:05
a social science student,
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社會科學學生、
06:07
a friend to good people,
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一些好人的朋友、
06:09
a loved brother and son,
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被愛的兄弟和兒子、
06:12
an outdoor recreation guide,
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戶外活動指導員，
06:13
and eventually, a youth worker.
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最終，成了服務青年的社會工作者。
06:16
I gripped tight to the simple notion
that I wasn't a bad person.
that I wasn't a bad person.
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我緊緊抓住
「我不是壞人」的簡單想法。
「我不是壞人」的簡單想法。
06:21
I didn't think I had this in my bones.
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我不認為這是我的本性。
06:24
I thought I was made up of something else.
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我認為我的本性是其他東西。
06:26
In my nurtured upbringing,
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在我被養育長大的過程中，
06:28
my loving extended family and role models,
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我慈愛的家人跟典範，
06:31
people close to me were warm and genuine
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跟我很親的人在對女性展現尊重時
06:33
in their respect shown towards women.
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都很溫暖真誠。
06:36
It took me a long time to stare down
this dark corner of myself,
this dark corner of myself,
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我花了很長一段時間，才敢
正視我自己的這個黑暗角落，
正視我自己的這個黑暗角落，
06:41
and to ask it questions.
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對它問問題。
06:46
TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,
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索：聖誕節舞會的九年後，
06:48
I was 25 years old,
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我二十五歲，
06:49
and headed straight
for a nervous breakdown.
for a nervous breakdown.
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直直朝精神崩潰邁進。
06:53
My self-worth was buried
under a soul-crushing load of silence
under a soul-crushing load of silence
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我的自我價值被埋在
足以壓碎靈魂的沈默重擔之下，
足以壓碎靈魂的沈默重擔之下，
06:56
that isolated me from everyone
that I cared about,
that I cared about,
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這在我跟我關心的
每個人之間建立了隔閡，
每個人之間建立了隔閡，
07:00
and I was consumed
with misplaced hatred and anger
with misplaced hatred and anger
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我對自己感到憎恨和憤怒，
07:02
that I took out on myself.
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而這弄錯對象的
憎恨和憤怒吞噬著我。
憎恨和憤怒吞噬著我。
07:05
One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears
of the door in tears
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有一天，我哭著衝出門，
07:08
after a fight with a loved one,
140
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因為我跟我愛的人吵了一架，
07:10
and I wandered into a café,
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我晃到了一間咖啡廳，
07:11
where I asked the waitress for a pen.
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在那裡我跟女服務生要了一支筆。
07:14
I always had a notebook with me,
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我都會隨身著筆記本，
07:16
claiming that it was to jot down ideas
in moments of inspiration,
in moments of inspiration,
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宣稱它是用來快速記下乍現的靈光，
07:20
but the truth was that I needed
to be constantly fidgeting,
to be constantly fidgeting,
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但事實是，我需要保持
坐立不安的狀態，
坐立不安的狀態，
07:24
because in moments of stillness,
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因為在靜止的時刻，
07:26
I found myself counting seconds again.
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我發現我又會開始數秒數。
07:30
But that day, I watched in wonder
as the words streamed out of my pen,
as the words streamed out of my pen,
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但，那天，我驚奇地看著
我筆下揮灑出的文字，
我筆下揮灑出的文字，
07:35
forming the most pivotal letter
I've ever written,
I've ever written,
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形成了我所寫過最關鍵性的一封信，
07:38
addressed to Tom.
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收件人是湯姆。
07:40
Along with an account of the violence
that he subjected me to,
that he subjected me to,
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內容描述他讓我遭受的暴力，
07:43
the words, "I want to find forgiveness"
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「我想找到寬恕」這幾個字
07:47
stared back at me,
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回望著我，
07:48
surprising nobody more than myself.
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沒有人比我更驚訝了。
07:51
But deep down I realized that this
was my way out of my suffering,
was my way out of my suffering,
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但內心深處，我知道
這是我脫離苦難的路，
這是我脫離苦難的路，
07:56
because regardless of whether or not
he deserved my forgiveness,
he deserved my forgiveness,
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因為不論他是否應該得到我的寬恕，
08:00
I deserved peace.
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我都應該得到平靜。
08:03
My era of shame was over.
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我的羞愧時期結束了。
08:08
Before sending the letter,
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寄出這封信之前，
08:09
I prepared myself for all kinds
of negative responses,
of negative responses,
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我讓自己準備好
面對各種可能的負面回應，
面對各種可能的負面回應，
08:12
or what I found likeliest:
no response whatsoever.
no response whatsoever.
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或最有可能的情況：沒有回應。
08:17
The only outcome
that I didn't prepare myself for
that I didn't prepare myself for
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只有一個結果是我沒準備要面對的，
08:19
was the one that I then got --
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它卻發生了。
08:22
a typed confession from Tom,
full of disarming regret.
full of disarming regret.
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湯姆用打字回覆的自白信，
內容盡是悔恨，讓我的氣都消了。
內容盡是悔恨，讓我的氣都消了。
08:27
As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned by silence.
had been imprisoned by silence.
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結果發現，他也一直
被沈默給禁錮著。
被沈默給禁錮著。
08:32
And this marked the start
of an eight-year-long correspondence
of an eight-year-long correspondence
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這開始了一段長達
八年之久的書信往來，
八年之久的書信往來，
08:36
that God knows was never easy,
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天知道這一點也不容易，
08:38
but always honest.
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但永遠要誠實。
08:41
I relieved myself of the burdens
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
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我放下了我誤扛起的重擔，
08:45
and he, in turn, wholeheartedly
owned up to what he'd done.
owned up to what he'd done.
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而他，則全心全意坦承他所做的事。
08:49
Our written exchanges became a platform
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我們的書面交流成了一個平台，
08:51
to dissect the consequences of that night,
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用來仔細分析那晚的後果，
08:54
and they were everything
from gut-wrenching
from gut-wrenching
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所有的後果都談了，從摧心裂肝
08:56
to healing beyond words.
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到文字無法形容的療癒。
08:59
And yet, it didn't bring about
closure for me.
closure for me.
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然而，它並沒有為我
將此事畫上句點。
將此事畫上句點。
09:04
Perhaps because the email format
didn't feel personal enough,
didn't feel personal enough,
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或許是因為我覺得電子郵件的形式
沒有足夠的親身感，
沒有足夠的親身感，
09:07
perhaps because it's easy to be brave
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或許是因為當你身在地球的另一端
09:09
when you're hiding behind a computer
screen on the other side of the planet.
screen on the other side of the planet.
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躲在電腦後面時，
要表現勇敢是比較容易的。
要表現勇敢是比較容易的。
09:13
But we'd begun a dialogue
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但我們開始了對話，
09:15
that I felt was necessary
to explore to its fullest.
to explore to its fullest.
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我認為若要充分探索這件事，
這種對話是必要的。
這種對話是必要的。
09:20
So, after eight years of writing,
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所以，通信八年之後，
09:22
and nearly 16 years after that dire night,
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也就是那可怕夜晚的約十六年之後，
09:25
I mustered the courage
to propose a wild idea:
to propose a wild idea:
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我鼓起勇氣，提出一個狂野的想法：
09:29
that we'd meet up in person
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讓我們親自見面，
09:31
and face our past once and for all.
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一勞永逸面對我們的過去。
09:37
TS: Iceland and Australia
are geographically like this.
are geographically like this.
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湯：冰島和澳洲在
地理上的位置就像這樣。
地理上的位置就像這樣。
09:41
In the middle of the two is South Africa.
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兩個國家的中間是南非。
09:44
We decided upon the city of Cape Town,
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我們決定選擇開普敦，
09:46
and there we met for one week.
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2044
在那裡碰面一週。
09:50
The city itself proved to be
a stunningly powerful environment
a stunningly powerful environment
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事實證明，若想要
專注在和解和寬恕，
專注在和解和寬恕，
09:53
to focus on reconciliation
and forgiveness.
and forgiveness.
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2884
這座城市是個極強大的環境。
09:57
Nowhere else has healing
and rapprochement been tested
and rapprochement been tested
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2639
沒有其他地方像南非這樣，
和解和調解都經過了如此的測試。
10:00
like it has in South Africa.
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1634
10:03
As a nation, South Africa sought
to sit within the truth of its past,
to sit within the truth of its past,
194
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3867
就一個國家而言，南非尋求的
是面對過去的真相，
是面對過去的真相，
10:06
and to listen to the details
of its history.
of its history.
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2403
並傾聽其歷史的種種細節。
10:10
Knowing this only magnified the effect
that Cape Town had on us.
that Cape Town had on us.
196
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3749
知道這一點，只是放大了
開普敦對我們的影響。
開普敦對我們的影響。
10:16
Over the course of this week,
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1462
在這一週的過程中，
10:17
we literally spoke
our life stories to each other,
our life stories to each other,
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2890
我們真的跟彼此分享了
自己的人生故事，
自己的人生故事，
10:20
from start to finish.
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1590
從頭到尾都分享了。
10:23
And this was about analyzing
our own history.
our own history.
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2500
重點是在分析我們自己的歷史。
10:27
We followed a strict policy
of being honest,
of being honest,
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2833
我們遵守一條嚴格的政策：要誠實。
10:30
and this also came
with a certain exposure,
with a certain exposure,
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2925
這就會伴隨著某些事實的揭露，
10:33
an open-chested vulnerability.
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1906
打開心胸，不再隱藏自己的脆弱。
10:36
There were gutting confessions,
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2127
過程有著發自深處的懺悔，
10:38
and moments where we just
absolutely couldn't fathom
absolutely couldn't fathom
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2824
有些時候，我們就是怎樣都無法
理解對方所經歷的。
10:41
the other person's experience.
206
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1808
10:44
The seismic effects of sexual violence
were spoken aloud and felt,
were spoken aloud and felt,
207
632258
4894
性暴力的重大影響被
大聲說出來、被感受到了，
大聲說出來、被感受到了，
且是面對面的情況下。
10:49
face to face.
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1330
10:51
At other times, though,
209
639979
1503
不過，其他時候，
10:53
we found a soaring clarity,
210
641506
2634
我們的思想變得相當清楚，
10:57
and even some totally unexpected
but liberating laughter.
but liberating laughter.
211
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4400
甚至會解放地有說有笑，
這完全不在預期之中。
這完全不在預期之中。
11:03
When it came down to it,
212
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1530
談到這件事時，
11:04
we did out best to listen
to each other intently.
to each other intently.
213
652804
3628
我們都盡自己的力，
專心傾聽了彼此。
專心傾聽了彼此。
11:09
And our individual realities
were aired with an unfiltered purity
were aired with an unfiltered purity
214
657404
5841
未被過濾的純淨，
暢通了我們個別的現實，
暢通了我們個別的現實，
11:15
that couldn't do any less
than lighten the soul.
than lighten the soul.
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2376
這純淨點亮了我們的靈魂。
11:20
TE: Wanting to take revenge
is a very human emotion --
is a very human emotion --
216
668508
4045
索：想要報復是人都會有的情緒，
11:24
instinctual, even.
217
672577
1638
甚至可以說是本能。
11:26
And all I wanted to do for years
218
674829
2011
多年來，我一直想做的是
11:28
was to hurt Tom back as deeply
as he had hurt me.
as he had hurt me.
219
676864
3969
用同樣重傷的方式來回敬他。
11:33
But had I not found a way
out of the hatred and anger,
out of the hatred and anger,
220
681658
3053
但若我當初沒有找到方式
擺脫憎恨及憤怒，
擺脫憎恨及憤怒，
11:36
I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.
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2165
我不確定今天我是否會站在這裡。
11:40
That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts along the way.
my doubts along the way.
222
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3927
那並不是說我一路走來
都沒有懷疑過。
都沒有懷疑過。
11:44
When the plane bounced
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
223
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3661
但當飛機顛簸地降落在開普敦時，
11:48
I remember thinking,
224
696374
1603
我記得我那時在想，
11:50
"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
225
698001
4206
「我為何不跟正常人一樣，
找個心理治療師跟
找個心理治療師跟
一瓶伏特加就好了？」
11:54
like a normal person would do?"
226
702231
2216
11:56
(Laughter)
227
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2920
（笑聲）
11:59
At times, our search
for understanding in Cape Town
for understanding in Cape Town
228
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3205
有時，我們在開普敦尋求了解的過程
12:02
felt like an impossible quest,
229
710644
2167
感覺就像是趟不可能的追尋。
12:04
and all I wanted to do was to give up
230
712835
2099
而我所想做的就只有放棄，
12:06
and go home to my loving
husband, Vidir,
husband, Vidir,
231
714958
2216
然後回家，回到珍愛我的老公維德
12:09
and our son.
232
717198
1211
及我們的兒子身邊。
12:11
But despite our difficulties,
233
719994
2363
但儘管我們遇到困難，
12:14
this journey did result
in a victorious feeling
in a victorious feeling
234
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4628
這趟旅程確造成了一種凱旋的感覺，
12:19
that light had triumphed over darkness,
235
727033
3133
光明戰勝了黑暗的感覺，
12:22
that something constructive
could be built out of the ruins.
could be built out of the ruins.
236
730812
4312
在斷垣殘壁中也能建造出
有建設性的東西。
有建設性的東西。
12:28
I read somewhere
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736572
1325
我在某處讀到的：
12:29
that you should try and be the person
that you needed when you were younger.
that you needed when you were younger.
238
737921
3861
你應該試著成為
你過去需要的那個人。
你過去需要的那個人。
12:33
And back when I was a teenager,
239
741806
1584
在我還是青少女時，
12:35
I would have needed to know
that the shame wasn't mine,
that the shame wasn't mine,
240
743414
3848
其實我當時很需要知道的是：
該羞恥的人不是我，
該羞恥的人不是我，
12:39
that there's hope after rape,
241
747286
2514
在強暴之後仍然有希望，
12:41
that you can even find happiness,
242
749824
1595
你甚至可以找幸福，
12:43
like I share with my husband today.
243
751443
1890
就像我現在跟老公之間的幸福。
12:45
Which is why I started writing feverishly
upon my return from Cape Town,
upon my return from Cape Town,
244
753861
4355
這就是為何從開普敦回來後，
我就開始狂熱地寫作，
我就開始狂熱地寫作，
12:50
resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,
245
758240
2724
產物就是我和湯姆
共同寫出的一本書，
共同寫出的一本書，
12:52
that we hope can be of use
to people from both ends
to people from both ends
246
760988
3185
我們希望在「行兇者－倖存者」
12:56
of the perpetrator-survivor scale.
247
764197
2304
天平兩端的人，
都可以用得到這本書。
都可以用得到這本書。
12:59
If nothing else,
248
767180
1454
如果不是別的，
13:00
it's a story that we would've needed
to hear when we were younger.
to hear when we were younger.
249
768658
4135
這本書至少是我們更早先時
應該要聽到的故事。
應該要聽到的故事。
13:06
Given the nature of our story,
250
774726
1821
因為我們這個故事的本質，
13:08
I know the words
that inevitably accompany it --
that inevitably accompany it --
251
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2776
我知道會有些無法避免用到的字眼
13:11
victim, rapist --
252
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2556
──受害者、強暴犯──
13:14
and labels are a way to organize concepts,
253
782513
2255
貼上這些標籤是可以
整理概念的一種方式，
整理概念的一種方式，
13:16
but they can also be dehumanizing
in their connotations.
in their connotations.
254
784792
4382
但它們背後的暗示
也可能導致人性的喪失。
也可能導致人性的喪失。
13:21
Once someone's been deemed a victim,
255
789838
2100
一旦某個人被視為是受害者時，
13:23
it's that much easier to file them away
as someone damaged,
as someone damaged,
256
791962
5233
就很容易將他歸類為受損的人、
13:29
dishonored,
257
797219
1506
不名譽的人、
13:30
less than.
258
798749
1275
比較差的人。
13:32
And likewise, once someone
has been branded a rapist,
has been branded a rapist,
259
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2720
同樣，一旦某個人被
冠上強暴犯的污名，
冠上強暴犯的污名，
13:35
it's that much easier
to call him a monster --
to call him a monster --
260
803387
2546
就很容易可以稱他為怪物，
13:38
inhuman.
261
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1299
毫無人性。
13:40
But how will we understand
what it is in human societies
what it is in human societies
262
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3031
但我們怎會知道，在人類的社會中，
13:43
that produces violence
263
811669
1581
是什麼造成暴力的，
13:45
if we refuse to recognize
the humanity of those who commit it?
the humanity of those who commit it?
264
813274
4479
如果我們拒絕承認
這些犯罪者也是有人性的？
這些犯罪者也是有人性的？
13:50
And how --
265
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1164
我們如何
13:51
(Applause)
266
819722
2179
（掌聲）
13:53
And how can we empower survivors
if we're making them feel less than?
if we're making them feel less than?
267
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5368
如果我們讓倖存者覺得一文不值，
該如何給予他們自主權？
該如何給予他們自主權？
14:00
How can we discuss solutions
to one of the biggest threats
to one of the biggest threats
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3427
我們如何能討論要用什麼方式來解決
14:03
to the lives of women and children
around the world,
around the world,
269
831523
3274
全世界女性和孩童在生活中
面臨的最大威脅之一，
面臨的最大威脅之一，
14:06
if the very words we use
are part of the problem?
are part of the problem?
270
834821
3823
如果我們自己使用的字詞
本身就是問題的一部分？
本身就是問題的一部分？
14:13
TS: From what I've now learnt,
271
841786
2492
湯：根據我所學到的，
14:16
my actions that night in 1996
were a self-centered taking.
were a self-centered taking.
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1996 年那晚，我的行為
是自我中心使然，
是自我中心使然，
14:22
I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
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我覺得索爾蒂絲的身體
本來就該是我的。
本來就該是我的。
14:25
I've had primarily positive
social influences
social influences
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我身邊接觸到的
通常都是正面的社會影響，
通常都是正面的社會影響，
14:28
and examples of equitable
behavior around me.
behavior around me.
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以及公正行為的榜樣。
14:31
But on that occasion,
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但在那個場合，
14:33
I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
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我做了負面的選擇。
14:35
The ones that see women
as having less intrinsic worth,
as having less intrinsic worth,
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2896
我選擇看輕女性的內在價值，
14:39
and of men having some unspoken
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
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4411
認為男性對於女性的身體，
有著心照不宣跟象徵性的所有權。
有著心照不宣跟象徵性的所有權。
14:45
These influences I speak of
are external to me, though.
are external to me, though.
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不過，我說的這些影響
對我而言都是外在影響。
對我而言都是外在影響。
14:49
And it was only me in that room
making choices,
making choices,
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在那個房間中，
只有我是能做選擇的人，
只有我是能做選擇的人，
14:52
nobody else.
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只有我。
14:54
When you own something
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當你擁有某樣東西，
14:56
and really square up to your culpability,
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且能真正果敢地面對
應承擔的罪責時，
應承擔的罪責時，
15:00
I do think a surprising thing can happen.
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我確實相信驚人的事
是有可能發生的。
是有可能發生的。
15:03
It's what I call a paradox of ownership.
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這就是我所謂的所有權矛盾。
15:06
I thought I'd buckle
under the weight of responsibility.
under the weight of responsibility.
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我以為責任的重量會讓我垮掉。
15:10
I thought my certificate
of humanity would be burnt.
of humanity would be burnt.
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我以為我的人性證書會被燒掉。
15:14
Instead, I was offered
to really own what I did,
to really own what I did,
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3746
取而代之，我得以
真正承認我的行為，
真正承認我的行為，
15:19
and found that it didn't possess
the entirety of who I am.
the entirety of who I am.
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我發現它不能支配全部的我。
15:23
Put simply,
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簡單來說，
15:24
something you've done doesn't have
to constitute the sum of who you are.
to constitute the sum of who you are.
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4516
你所做的某件事，
不見得就會構成全部的你。
不見得就會構成全部的你。
15:30
The noise in my head abated.
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我腦中的雜音減少了。
15:32
The indulgent self-pity
was starved of oxygen,
was starved of oxygen,
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放縱的自憐面臨到氧氣不足，
15:37
and it was replaced
with the clean air of acceptance --
with the clean air of acceptance --
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4473
接受的新鮮空氣取代了它。
15:42
an acceptance that I did hurt
this wonderful person standing next to me;
this wonderful person standing next to me;
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4284
接受我確實傷害過現在
站在我身邊的這個好人；
站在我身邊的這個好人；
15:46
an acceptance that I am part of a large
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
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5599
接受每天都有相當
一大群男人和我一樣，
一大群男人和我一樣，
15:52
who have been sexually violent
toward their partners.
toward their partners.
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2682
曾經對他們的伴侶有過性暴力行為。
15:56
Don't underestimate the power of words.
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不要低估了言語的力量。
16:00
Saying to Thordis that I raped her
changed my accord with myself,
changed my accord with myself,
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4641
我對索爾蒂絲說我強暴了她，
這麼做改變了我和我自己的和諧，
這麼做改變了我和我自己的和諧，
16:05
as well as with her.
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以及我和她的和諧。
16:07
But most importantly,
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但最重要的是，
16:09
the blame transferred from Thordis to me.
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責備從索爾蒂絲身上轉移到我身上。
16:13
Far too often,
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太常見的狀況是，
16:14
the responsibility is attributed
to female survivors of sexual violence,
to female survivors of sexual violence,
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4584
責任會被歸給
性暴力下的女性倖存者，
性暴力下的女性倖存者，
而非進行性暴力的男性。
16:19
and not to the males who enact it.
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2511
16:22
Far too often,
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1150
太常見的狀況是，
16:23
the denial and running leaves all parties
at a great distance from the truth.
at a great distance from the truth.
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5082
否認跟逃走，會讓各方都遠離真相。
16:30
There's definitely a public
conversation happening now,
conversation happening now,
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2780
現在肯定有一場公開的
對話正在進行中，
對話正在進行中，
16:34
and like a lot of people,
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2179
和很多人一樣，
16:36
we're heartened
that there's less retreating
that there's less retreating
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2590
如果能知道逃避困難的狀況
16:39
from this difficult
but important discussion.
but important discussion.
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2720
漸被重要的討論取代，
我們會很高興。
我們會很高興。
16:43
I feel a real responsibility
to add our voices to it.
to add our voices to it.
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3638
我覺得我有責任要把
我們的聲音也加上去。
我們的聲音也加上去。
16:50
TE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing for others.
that we're prescribing for others.
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4659
索：我們在做的並不是
開處方籤給其他人。
開處方籤給其他人。
16:55
Nobody has the right to tell anyone else
how to handle their deepest pain
how to handle their deepest pain
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5533
沒有人有權利告訴別人
怎麼處理他們最深的傷痛
怎麼處理他們最深的傷痛
17:00
or their greatest error.
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1745
或這他們最大的錯誤。
17:03
Breaking your silence is never easy,
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2351
打破你的沈默從來就不是易事，
17:05
and depending on where
you are in the world,
you are in the world,
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2214
看你身在世界的何處，
17:07
it can even be deadly
to speak out about rape.
to speak out about rape.
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3212
在某些地方，連說出強暴
都可能是致命的。
都可能是致命的。
17:12
I realize that even the most
traumatic event of my life
traumatic event of my life
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我了解到，即使是我人生中
最創傷性的事件，
最創傷性的事件，
17:16
is still a testament to my privilege,
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2759
仍舊證明了我的特權，
17:18
because I can talk about it
without getting ostracized,
without getting ostracized,
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3230
因為我可以談這件事，
卻不用擔心被放逐
卻不用擔心被放逐
17:22
or even killed.
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1348
或甚至被殺害。
17:24
But with that privilege of having a voice
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2929
但有發聲的特權，
17:27
comes the responsibility of using it.
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2858
也就表示有使用這項特權的責任。
17:30
That's the least I owe
my fellow survivors who can't.
my fellow survivors who can't.
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1038733
4530
這至少也是我欠其他
無法發聲的性侵倖存者的。
無法發聲的性侵倖存者的。
17:36
The story we've just relayed is unique,
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1044841
3066
我們剛剛講的故事是獨一無二的，
17:39
and yet it is so common with sexual
violence being a global pandemic.
violence being a global pandemic.
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1047931
4666
然而，在性暴力全球普遍的情況下，
這故事卻又是如此常見。
這故事卻又是如此常見。
17:44
But it doesn't have to be that way.
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2405
但其實並非別無他法。
17:47
One of the things that I found useful
on my own healing journey
on my own healing journey
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3016
在我自己的療癒旅程中，
我發現一些有用的方式，
我發現一些有用的方式，
17:50
is educating myself about sexual violence.
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2648
其一就是提供性暴力的教育給我自己。
17:53
And as a result,
I've been reading, writing
I've been reading, writing
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2414
結果是，我已經針對這個議題，
17:55
and speaking about this issue
for over a decade now,
for over a decade now,
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2653
持續相關的閱讀、寫作、
談論，超過十年之久。
談論，超過十年之久。
17:58
going to conferences around the world.
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2552
到世界各地參加會議。
18:01
And in my experience,
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1979
根據我的經驗，
18:03
the attendees of such events
are almost exclusively women.
are almost exclusively women.
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4631
這類活動的與會者絕大多數是女性。
18:09
But it's about time that we stop treating
sexual violence as a women's issue.
sexual violence as a women's issue.
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6616
但，該是停止把性暴力
當作女性議題來看待的時候了。
當作女性議題來看待的時候了。
18:15
(Applause)
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5447
（掌聲）
18:29
A majority of sexual violence
against women and men
against women and men
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大部分針對女性及男性
所犯下的性暴力，
所犯下的性暴力，
18:33
is perpetrated by men.
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1883
都是由男性犯下的。
18:35
And yet their voices are sorely
underrepresented in this discussion.
underrepresented in this discussion.
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4408
然而，在這類討論中，
卻十分缺乏他們的聲音。
卻十分缺乏他們的聲音。
18:40
But all of us are needed here.
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但，這需要我們所有人的參與。
18:45
Just imagine all the suffering
we could alleviate
we could alleviate
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3885
想像一下，如果我們敢
一起面對這個議題，
一起面對這個議題，
18:49
if we dared to face this issue together.
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3934
將能緩解多少痛苦。
18:54
Thank you.
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謝謝。
18:56
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - WriterThordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.
Why you should listen
Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.
As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.
Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."
Why you should listen
Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.
Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.
Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com