TEDWomen 2013
Maysoon Zayid: I got 99 problems ... palsy is just one
Filmed:
Readability: 3.9
10,708,171 views
"I have cerebral palsy. I shake all the time," Maysoon Zayid announces at the beginning of this exhilarating, hilarious talk. (Really, it's hilarious.) "I'm like Shakira meets Muhammad Ali." With grace and wit, the Arab-American comedian takes us on a whistle-stop tour of her adventures as an actress, stand-up comic, philanthropist and advocate for the disabled.
Maysoon Zayid - Comedian and writer
Writer, actor, comedian, Maysoon Zayid is the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival. Full bio
Writer, actor, comedian, Maysoon Zayid is the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
Hello, TEDWomen, what's up.
0
762
2024
00:14
(Cheers)
1
2786
1289
00:16
Not good enough.
2
4075
1288
00:17
Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?
3
5363
2270
00:19
(Cheers)
4
7633
2216
00:21
My name is Maysoon Zayid,
5
9849
2149
00:23
and I am not drunk,
6
11998
2004
00:26
but the doctor who delivered me was.
7
14002
2617
00:28
He cut my mom six different times
8
16619
3888
00:32
in six different directions,
9
20507
2810
00:35
suffocating poor little me in the process.
10
23317
2416
00:37
As a result, I have cerebral palsy,
11
25733
2607
00:40
which means I shake all the time.
12
28340
2866
00:43
Look.
13
31206
2847
00:46
It's exhausting. I'm like Shakira, Shakira
14
34053
3407
00:49
meets Muhammad Ali.
15
37460
1780
00:51
(Laughter)
16
39240
2996
00:54
C.P. is not genetic.
17
42236
1995
00:56
It's not a birth defect. You can't catch it.
18
44231
2784
00:59
No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,
19
47015
3420
01:02
and I didn't get it because
my parents are first cousins,
my parents are first cousins,
20
50435
3236
01:05
which they are.
21
53671
1501
01:07
(Laughter)
22
55172
4069
01:11
It only happens from accidents,
23
59241
2354
01:13
like what happened to me on my birth day.
24
61595
2711
01:16
Now, I must warn you, I'm not inspirational,
25
64306
5128
01:21
and I don't want anyone in this room
26
69434
2471
01:23
to feel bad for me,
27
71905
1561
01:25
because at some point in your life,
28
73466
2029
01:27
you have dreamt of being disabled.
29
75495
3353
01:30
Come on a journey with me.
30
78848
1899
01:32
It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,
31
80747
3217
01:35
you're driving around in circles looking for parking,
32
83964
3425
01:39
and what do you see?
33
87389
1904
01:41
Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.
34
89293
4587
01:45
And you're like, "God, can't I just be
35
93880
2411
01:48
a little disabled?"
36
96291
1716
01:50
(Laughter)
37
98007
5194
01:55
Also, I gotta tell you,
38
103201
1528
01:56
I got 99 problems, and palsy is just one.
39
104729
4739
02:01
If there was an Oppression Olympics,
40
109468
2884
02:04
I would win the gold medal.
41
112352
1757
02:06
I'm Palestinian, Muslim, I'm female, I'm disabled,
42
114109
5180
02:11
and I live in New Jersey.
43
119289
2218
02:13
(Laughter) (Applause)
44
121507
6098
02:19
If you don't feel better about
yourself, maybe you should.
yourself, maybe you should.
45
127605
3765
02:23
Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown.
46
131370
2606
02:25
I have always loved the fact
47
133976
2597
02:28
that my hood and my affliction
48
136573
2035
02:30
share the same initials.
49
138608
1998
02:32
I also love the fact that if I wanted to walk
50
140606
2322
02:34
from my house to New York City, I could.
51
142928
2537
02:37
A lot of people with C.P. don't walk,
52
145465
2875
02:40
but my parents didn't believe in "can't."
53
148340
3122
02:43
My father's mantra was,
54
151462
2010
02:45
"You can do it, yes you can can."
55
153472
3290
02:48
(Laughter)
56
156762
3236
02:51
So, if my three older sisters were mopping,
57
159998
3023
02:55
I was mopping.
58
163021
1111
02:56
If my three older sisters went to public school,
59
164132
2759
02:58
my parents would sue the school system
60
166891
2293
03:01
and guarantee that I went too,
61
169184
2043
03:03
and if we didn't all get A's,
62
171227
1994
03:05
we all got my mother's slipper.
63
173221
2152
03:07
(Laughter)
64
175373
2597
03:09
My father taught me how to walk
when I was five years old
when I was five years old
65
177970
2984
03:12
by placing my heels on his feet
66
180954
2346
03:15
and just walking.
67
183300
1826
03:17
Another tactic that he used is he would dangle
68
185126
2692
03:19
a dollar bill in front of me and have me chase it.
69
187818
4304
03:24
(Laughter)
70
192122
1814
03:25
My inner stripper was very strong, and by --
71
193936
2885
03:28
(Laughter)
72
196821
1613
03:30
Yeah. No, by the first day of kindergarten,
73
198434
3041
03:33
I was walking like a champ
74
201475
1513
03:34
who had been punched one too many times.
75
202988
3762
03:38
Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town,
76
206750
3501
03:42
and they were all my family.
77
210251
2316
03:44
Now there are 20 Arabs in town,
78
212567
2204
03:46
and they are still all my family. (Laughter)
79
214771
2810
03:49
I don't think anyone even noticed we weren't Italian.
80
217581
2998
03:52
(Laughter) (Applause)
81
220579
5025
04:00
This was before 9/11 and before politicians
82
228081
2956
04:03
thought it was appropriate to use "I hate Moslems"
83
231037
3937
04:06
as a campaign slogan.
84
234974
2021
04:08
The people that I grew up with
had no problem with my faith.
had no problem with my faith.
85
236995
3130
04:12
They did, however, seem very concerned
86
240125
2406
04:14
that I would starve to death during Ramadan.
87
242531
2731
04:17
I would explain to them that I have enough fat
88
245262
2135
04:19
to live off of for three whole months,
89
247397
2052
04:21
so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.
90
249449
4900
04:26
I have tap-danced on Broadway.
91
254349
2803
04:29
Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy. (Applause)
92
257152
3455
04:32
My parents couldn't afford physical therapy,
93
260607
1911
04:34
so they sent me to dancing school.
94
262518
2884
04:37
I learned how to dance in heels,
95
265402
1670
04:39
which means I can walk in heels.
96
267072
1703
04:40
And I'm from Jersey,
97
268775
1400
04:42
and we are really concerned with being chic,
98
270175
2733
04:44
so if my friends wore heels, so did I.
99
272908
3603
04:48
And when my friends went and
spent their summer vacations
spent their summer vacations
100
276511
3018
04:51
on the Jersey Shore, I did not.
101
279529
2812
04:54
I spent my summers in a war zone,
102
282341
2238
04:56
because my parents were afraid
103
284579
2071
04:58
that if we didn't go back to Palestine
104
286650
2191
05:00
every single summer,
105
288841
1707
05:02
we'd grow up to be Madonna.
106
290548
2041
05:04
(Laughter)
107
292589
5395
05:09
Summer vacations often consisted of
108
297984
3109
05:13
my father trying to heal me,
109
301093
1786
05:14
so I drank deer's milk,
110
302879
1991
05:16
I had hot cups on my back,
111
304870
2042
05:18
I was dunked in the Dead Sea,
112
306912
1985
05:20
and I remember the water burning my eyes
113
308897
2609
05:23
and thinking, "It's working! It's working!"
114
311506
2791
05:26
(Laughter)
115
314297
2999
05:29
But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.
116
317296
3330
05:32
I have to tell you, it's very boring,
117
320626
3369
05:35
but before I did yoga,
118
323995
1479
05:37
I was a stand-up comedian who can't stand up.
119
325474
2985
05:40
And now I can stand on my head.
120
328459
3278
05:43
My parents reinforced this notion
121
331737
4765
05:48
that I could do anything,
122
336502
2713
05:51
that no dream was impossible,
123
339215
2015
05:53
and my dream was to be
124
341230
1579
05:54
on the daytime soap opera "General Hospital."
125
342809
4110
05:58
I went to college during affirmative action
126
346919
2398
06:01
and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,
127
349317
2212
06:03
Arizona State University,
128
351529
2044
06:05
because I fit every single quota.
129
353573
3203
06:08
I was like the pet lemur of the theater department.
130
356776
4481
06:13
Everybody loved me.
131
361257
1525
06:14
I did all the less-than-intelligent kids' homework,
132
362782
3284
06:18
I got A's in all of my classes,
133
366066
1620
06:19
A's in all of their classes.
134
367686
3287
06:22
Every time I did a scene
135
370973
1940
06:24
from "The Glass Menagerie,"
136
372913
1358
06:26
my professors would weep.
137
374271
2418
06:28
But I never got cast.
138
376689
2438
06:31
Finally, my senior year,
139
379127
1680
06:32
ASU decided to do a show called
140
380807
1870
06:34
"They Dance Real Slow in Jackson."
141
382677
2209
06:36
It's a play about a girl with C.P.
142
384886
2793
06:39
I was a girl with C.P.
143
387679
2066
06:41
So I start shouting from the rooftops,
144
389745
2883
06:44
"I'm finally going to get a part!
145
392628
1911
06:46
I have cerebral palsy!
146
394555
1724
06:48
Free at last! Free at last!
147
396279
2286
06:50
Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"
148
398565
2944
06:53
I didn't get the part. (Laughter)
149
401509
3779
06:57
Sherry Brown got the part.
150
405288
2508
06:59
I went racing to the head of the theater department
151
407796
2549
07:02
crying hysterically, like someone shot my cat,
152
410345
2583
07:04
to ask her why,
153
412928
1241
07:06
and she said it was because
154
414169
1595
07:07
they didn't think I could do the stunts.
155
415764
2760
07:10
I said, "Excuse me, if I can't do the stunts,
156
418524
2959
07:13
neither can the character."
157
421483
1749
07:15
(Laughter) (Applause)
158
423232
4948
07:22
This was a part that I was literally born to play
159
430976
5028
07:28
and they gave it, they gave it to a non-palsy actress.
160
436004
4827
07:32
College was imitating life.
161
440831
2421
07:35
Hollywood has a sordid history
162
443252
2150
07:37
of casting able-bodied actors
163
445402
1983
07:39
to play disabled onscreen.
164
447385
2622
07:42
Upon graduating, I moved back home,
165
450007
2551
07:44
and my first acting gig was
166
452558
2121
07:46
as an extra on a daytime soap opera.
167
454679
2641
07:49
My dream was coming true.
168
457320
1820
07:51
And I knew that I would be promoted
169
459140
2222
07:53
from "diner diner" to "wacky best friend" in no time.
170
461362
4656
07:58
But instead, I remained a glorified piece of furniture
171
466018
2746
08:00
that you could only recognize
from the back of my head,
from the back of my head,
172
468764
2710
08:03
and it became clear to me
173
471474
1714
08:05
that casting directors
174
473188
1919
08:07
didn't hire fluffy, ethnic, disabled actors.
175
475107
3982
08:11
They only hired perfect people.
176
479089
2244
08:13
But there were exceptions to the rule.
177
481333
2477
08:15
I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,
178
483810
2173
08:17
Roseanne Barr, Ellen,
179
485983
1936
08:19
and all of these women had one thing in common:
180
487919
2535
08:22
they were comedians.
181
490454
1262
08:23
So I became a comic.
182
491716
2494
08:26
(Laughter) (Applause)
183
494210
4537
08:31
My first gig was driving famous comics
184
499858
3677
08:35
from New York City to shows in New Jersey,
185
503535
2579
08:38
and I'll never forget the face of the first comic
186
506114
2373
08:40
I ever drove when he realized
187
508487
2019
08:42
that he was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike
188
510506
3057
08:45
with a chick with C.P. driving him.
189
513563
3086
08:48
I've performed in clubs all over America,
190
516649
2705
08:51
and I've also performed in Arabic in the Middle East,
191
519354
3347
08:54
uncensored and uncovered.
192
522701
3657
08:58
Some people say I'm the first
193
526358
1971
09:00
stand-up comic in the Arab world.
194
528329
1961
09:02
I never like to claim first,
195
530290
2181
09:04
but I do know that they never heard
196
532471
2316
09:06
that nasty little rumor that women aren't funny,
197
534787
3752
09:10
and they find us hysterical.
198
538539
4796
09:15
In 2003, my brother from another mother and father
199
543335
4259
09:19
Dean Obeidallah and I started
200
547594
2158
09:21
the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival,
201
549752
2368
09:24
now in its 10th year.
202
552120
1721
09:25
Our goal was to change the negative image
203
553841
3638
09:29
of Arab-Americans in media,
204
557479
2084
09:31
while also reminding casting directors
205
559563
2469
09:34
that South Asian and Arab are not synonymous.
206
562032
3098
09:37
(Laughter)
207
565130
2963
09:40
Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier
208
568093
5710
09:45
than conquering the challenge
209
573803
2067
09:47
against the stigma against disability.
210
575870
2877
09:50
My big break came in 2010.
211
578747
2300
09:53
I was invited to be a guest
212
581047
1688
09:54
on the cable news show
213
582735
1375
09:56
"Countdown With Keith Olbermann."
214
584110
2246
09:58
I walked in looking like I was going to the prom,
215
586356
3088
10:01
and they shuffle me into a studio
216
589444
2134
10:03
and seat me on a spinning, rolling chair.
217
591578
5420
10:08
So I looked at the stage manager and I'm like,
218
596998
2619
10:11
"Excuse me, can I have another chair?"
219
599617
2719
10:14
And she looked at me and she went,
220
602336
1622
10:15
"Five, four, three, two ..."
221
603958
2849
10:18
And we were live, right?
222
606807
1794
10:20
So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk
223
608601
2368
10:22
so that I wouldn't roll off the
screen during the segment,
screen during the segment,
224
610969
3789
10:26
and when the interview was over, I was livid.
225
614758
2859
10:29
I had finally gotten my chance and I blew it,
226
617617
1982
10:31
and I knew I would never get invited back.
227
619599
3223
10:34
But not only did Mr. Olbermann invite me back,
228
622822
3174
10:37
he made me a full-time contributor,
229
625996
2085
10:40
and he taped down my chair.
230
628081
3421
10:43
(Laughter) (Applause)
231
631502
3629
10:49
One fun fact I learned while on the air
232
637003
2056
10:51
with Keith Olbermann
233
639059
1661
10:52
was that humans on the Internet are scumbags.
234
640720
4014
10:56
People say children are cruel,
235
644734
2228
10:58
but I was never made fun of as a child or an adult.
236
646962
3328
11:02
Suddenly, my disability on the
world wide web is fair game.
world wide web is fair game.
237
650290
3695
11:05
I would look at clips online
238
653985
2011
11:07
and see comments like,
239
655996
1610
11:09
"Yo, why's she tweakin?"
240
657606
2591
11:12
"Yo, is she retarded?"
241
660197
2216
11:14
And my favorite, "Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.
242
662413
3369
11:17
What does she suffer from?
243
665782
1674
11:19
We should really pray for her."
244
667456
3614
11:23
One commenter even suggested
245
671070
1829
11:24
that I add my disability to my credits:
246
672899
2785
11:27
screenwriter, comedian, palsy.
247
675684
4906
11:32
Disability is as visual as race.
248
680590
3327
11:35
If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,
249
683917
2587
11:38
then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.
250
686504
3039
11:41
The disabled are the largest —
251
689543
2038
11:43
Yeah, clap for that, man. C'mon.
252
691581
3011
11:46
(Applause)
253
694592
2849
11:51
People with disabilities are the largest minority
254
699360
2473
11:53
in the world, and we are the most underrepresented
255
701833
2924
11:56
in entertainment.
256
704757
2176
11:58
The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,
257
706933
2219
12:01
but I am here in front of you.
258
709152
2789
12:03
However, if I grew up with social media,
259
711941
2187
12:06
I don't think I would be.
260
714128
1971
12:08
I hope that together
261
716099
1479
12:09
we can create more positive images
262
717578
2575
12:12
of disability in the media and in everyday life.
263
720153
3545
12:15
Perhaps if there were more positive images,
264
723698
2377
12:18
it would foster less hate on the Internet.
265
726075
3616
12:21
Or maybe not.
266
729691
1594
12:23
Maybe it still takes a village
267
731285
2013
12:25
to teach our children well.
268
733298
3162
12:28
My crooked journey has taken me
269
736460
1833
12:30
to some very spectacular places.
270
738293
2200
12:32
I got to walk the red carpet
271
740493
2974
12:35
flanked by soap diva Susan Lucci
272
743467
2567
12:38
and the iconic Lorraine Arbus.
273
746034
2277
12:40
I got to act in a movie with Adam Sandler
274
748311
2661
12:42
and work with my idol,
275
750972
1541
12:44
the amazing Dave Matthews.
276
752513
2470
12:46
I toured the world as a headliner
277
754983
1918
12:48
on Arabs Gone Wild.
278
756901
1632
12:50
I was a delegate
279
758533
2873
12:53
representing the great state of New Jersey
280
761406
2821
12:56
at the 2008 DNC.
281
764227
2125
12:58
And I founded Maysoon's Kids,
282
766352
2637
13:00
a charity that hopes
283
768989
1698
13:02
to give Palestinian refugee children
284
770687
2216
13:04
a sliver of the chance my parents gave me.
285
772903
3069
13:07
But the one moment that stands out the most
286
775972
2459
13:10
was when I got -- before this moment --
287
778431
2525
13:12
(Laughter) (Applause) —
288
780956
4428
13:20
but the one moment that stands out the most
289
788430
3436
13:23
was when I got to perform
290
791882
2033
13:25
for the man who floats like a butterfly
291
793915
2319
13:28
and stings like a bee,
292
796234
1369
13:29
has Parkinson's and shakes just like me,
293
797603
3496
13:33
Muhammad Ali.
294
801099
2257
13:35
(Applause)
295
803356
5186
13:43
It was the only time
296
811467
1812
13:45
that my father ever saw me perform live,
297
813279
2669
13:47
and I dedicate this talk to his memory.
298
815948
3264
13:51
(In Arabic)
299
819212
2163
13:53
My name is Maysoon Zayid,
300
821375
2851
13:56
and if I can can, you can can.
301
824226
3017
13:59
(Applause)
302
827243
4262
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Maysoon Zayid - Comedian and writerWriter, actor, comedian, Maysoon Zayid is the co-founder of the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival.
Why you should listen
Early in her acting career, Maysoon Zayid realized she'd get a lot more stage time if she showed off how funny she was. As she told the BBC, "It became very obvious to me that in the United States of America, a fluffy ethnic disabled chick was never going to get a job unless she did stand-up."
A Palestinian woman from New Jersey, Zayid jokes about her family, global culture, and her life with cerebral palsy. Along with Dean Obeidallah, she founded the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival, now in its 10th year. She spends several months of the year in the Palestinian Territories running workshops for disabled and orphaned kids in refugee camps, using art to help them deal with trauma. And yes -- if you're an Adam Sandler fan, you'll recognize Zayid as the woman behind the beauty-shop counter in You Don't Mess With the Zohan.
Maysoon Zayid | Speaker | TED.com