ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Meg Jay - Clinical psychologist
In her book "The Defining Decade," Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most transformative — and defining — period of our adult lives.

Why you should listen

Lately it feels as if 25 is just a bit too young to get serious. In her psychology practice, and her book The Defining Decade, clinical psychologist Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation about what Time magazine calls the "Me Me Me Generation." The rhetoric that "30 is the new 20," she suggests, trivializes what is actually the most transformative period of our adult lives.
 
Drawing from more than ten years of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, Jay weaves science together with compelling, behind-closed-doors stories. The result is a provocative, poignant read that shows us why, far from being an irrelevant downtime, our twenties are a developmental sweetspot that comes only once.  Our twenties are a time when the things we do -- and the things we don’t do -- will have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.

Jay is a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development, and in twentysomethings in particular. She is an assistant clinical professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.  She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.

More profile about the speaker
Meg Jay | Speaker | TED.com
TED2013

Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20

Meg Jay: Zakaj trideseta niso nova dvajseta

Filmed:
11,119,401 views

Klinična psihologinja Meg Jay ima drzno sporočilo za dvajset-in-nekaj-letnike: nasprotno od splošnega prepričanja vaša dvajseta niso odvečno desetletje. V tem provokativnem govoru Jay pravi, da dejstvo, da se poroka, kariera in otroci dogajajo kasneje v življenju, še ne pomeni, da ne morete začeti načrtovati že zdaj. Dá tri nasvete kako naj si dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki ponovno prilastijo odraslost v odločilnem desetletju svojega življenja.
- Clinical psychologist
In her book "The Defining Decade," Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most transformative — and defining — period of our adult lives. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
When I was in my 20s,
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Ko sem bila v svojih dvajsetih
00:14
I saw my very first psychotherapyPsihoterapija clientodjemalec.
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sem imela prvo psihoterapevtsko stranko.
00:18
I was a PhPH.D. studentštudent in clinicalklinično psychologyPsihologija at BerkeleyBerkeley.
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Jaz sem bila doktorska študentka klinične psihologije na Berkeleyju.
00:21
She was a 26-year-old- letnik womanženska namedimenovan AlexAlex.
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Ona je bila 26-letnica po imenu Alex.
00:26
Now AlexAlex walkedhodil into her first sessionseja
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Alex je prišla na svojo prvo seanso
00:28
wearingnošenje jeanskavbojke and a bigvelik slouchyslouchy topna vrh,
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oblečena v kavbojke in veliko, visečo majico
00:30
and she droppedpadla ontona the couchKavč in my officeurad
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in se vrgla na kavč v moji pisarni,
00:33
and kickedudaril off her flatsstanovanja
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brcnila z nog svoje natikače
00:34
and told me she was there to talk about guy problemstežave.
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in mi rekla, da se hoče pogovarjati o svojih težavah s fanti.
00:38
Now when I heardslišal this, I was so relievedolajšan.
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Ko sem to slišala, mi je res odleglo.
00:42
My classmatesošolec got an arsonistpožigalca for her first clientodjemalec.
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Moja sošolka je dobila za svojo prvo stranko požigalca.
00:46
(LaughterSmeh)
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(smeh)
00:47
And I got a twentysomethingtwentysomething who wanted to talk about boysfantje.
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In jaz sem dobila dvajset-in-nekaj-letnico, ki se je hotela pogovarjati o fantih.
00:52
This I thought I could handleročaj.
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Mislila sem, da bom to zmogla.
00:55
But I didn't handleročaj it.
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A nisem zmogla.
00:57
With the funnysmešno storieszgodbe that AlexAlex would bringprinesi to sessionseja,
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S smešnimi zgodbami, ki jih je Alex pripovedovala na seansah,
00:59
it was easyenostavno for me just to nodMIG my headglava
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je bilo lahko samo prikimavati,
01:01
while we kickedudaril the can down the roadcesta.
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medtem ko sva se vrteli kot mački okoli vrele kaše.
01:04
"Thirty'sTrideset je the newnovo 20," AlexAlex would say,
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"Trideseta so nova dvajseta," je govorila Alex,
01:06
and as fardaleč as I could tell, she was right.
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in če ste vprašali mene, je imela prav.
01:09
Work happenedse je zgodilo laterpozneje, marriagezakon happenedse je zgodilo laterpozneje,
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Služba se je dogajala kasneje, zakoni so se dogajali kasneje,
01:11
kidsotroci happenedse je zgodilo laterpozneje, even deathsmrt happenedse je zgodilo laterpozneje.
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otroci so se zgodili kasneje, celo smrt se je zgodila kasneje.
01:15
TwentysomethingsTwentysomethings like AlexAlex and I had nothing but time.
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Dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki kot Alex in jaz niso imeli drugega kot čas.
01:20
But before long, my supervisornadzornik pushedpotisnila me
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A kmalu je moj nadzornik zahteval,
01:23
to pushpush AlexAlex about her love life.
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da se z Alex pogovorim o njenem ljubezenskem življenju.
01:26
I pushedpotisnila back.
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Uprla sem se.
01:27
I said, "Sure, she's datingdating down,
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Rekla sem: "Seveda, hodi s slabšimi od sebe,
01:30
she's sleepingspanje with a knuckleheadbutec,
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spi z navadnim butcem,
01:33
but it's not like she's going to marryporoči se the guy."
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ampak saj se ne bo poročila z njim."
01:36
And then my supervisornadzornik said,
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In potem je moj nadzornik rekel:
01:38
"Not yetše, but she mightmorda marryporoči se the nextNaslednji one.
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"Ne še, a morda se bo poročila z naslednjim.
01:42
BesidesPoleg tega, the bestnajboljši time to work on Alex'sAlex marriagezakon
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Poleg tega, najboljši čas, da delaš z Alex na njenem zakonu,
01:46
is before she has one."
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je preden ga ima."
01:50
That's what psychologistspsihologi call an "AhaAha!" momenttrenutek.
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To je to, kar psihologi imenujejo "Aha!" trenutek.
01:53
That was the momenttrenutek I realizedrealiziran, 30 is not the newnovo 20.
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To je bil trenutek, ko sem spoznala, da trideseta niso nova dvajseta.
01:56
Yes, people settleporavnavo down laterpozneje than they used to,
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Res je, ljudje se ustalijo kasneje kot v preteklosti,
01:59
but that didn't make Alex'sAlex 20s a developmentalrazvojne downtimeodmore.
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a to še ne pomeni, da so Alexina dvajseta razvojni premor.
02:03
That madeizdelane Alex'sAlex 20s a developmentalrazvojne sweetsladko spotspot,
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To je pomenilo, da so Alexina dvajseta najboljši razvoji trenutek
02:07
and we were sittingsedi there blowingpiha it.
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in midve sva tam sedeli in ga zapravljali.
02:10
That was when I realizedrealiziran that this sortRazvrsti of benignbenigna neglectzanemarjanje
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Takrat sem spoznala, da je takšno nedolžno zanemarjanje
02:14
was a realresnično problemproblem, and it had realresnično consequencesposledice,
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resnični problem z resničnimi posledicami,
02:18
not just for AlexAlex and her love life
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ne samo za Alex in njeno ljubezensko življenje,
02:20
but for the careerskariere and the familiesdružine and the futuresterminske pogodbe
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temveč tudi za kariere, družine in prihodnosti
02:23
of twentysomethingstwentysomethings everywherepovsod.
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dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov vsepovsod.
02:27
There are 50 millionmilijonov twentysomethingstwentysomethings
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Kar 50 milijonom dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov
02:29
in the UnitedVelika StatesDržave right now.
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je v Združenih državah Amerike.
02:31
We're talkinggovoriti about 15 percentodstotkov of the populationprebivalstvo,
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Govorimo o 15 % prebivalstva
02:35
or 100 percentodstotkov if you considerrazmislite
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oziroma o 100 %, če upoštevamo,
02:38
that no one'sena gettingpridobivanje throughskozi adulthoododraslosti
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da nihče ni odrasel,
02:40
withoutbrez going throughskozi theirnjihovi 20s first.
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ne da bi šel najprej skozi svoja dvajseta.
02:43
RaiseDvig your handroka if you're in your 20s.
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Dvignite roko, če ste v svojih dvajsetih.
02:45
I really want to see some twentysomethingstwentysomethings here.
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Res bi rada videla nekaj dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov tukaj.
02:47
Oh, yayJuhu! Y'all'sY'all je awesomesuper.
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O, juhej! Vi vsi ste super!
02:49
If you work with twentysomethingstwentysomethings, you love a twentysomethingtwentysomething,
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Če delate z dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki, imate radi dvajset-in-nekaj-letnika,
02:53
you're losingizgublja sleepspanje over twentysomethingstwentysomethings, I want to see —
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izgubljate spanec zaradi dvajset-in-nekaj-letnika, dvignite...
02:56
Okay. AwesomeHudo, twentysomethingstwentysomethings really matterzadevo.
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V redu. Odlično, dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki so res pomembni.
03:00
So I specializespecializirani in twentysomethingstwentysomethings because I believe
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Specializiram se za dvajset-in-nekaj-letnike, ker verjamem,
03:04
that everyvsak singlesamski one of those 50 millionmilijonov twentysomethingstwentysomethings
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da si čisto vsak izmed tistih 50 milijonov dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov
03:08
deserveszasluži to know what psychologistspsihologi,
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zasluži vedeti, kar psihologi,
03:11
sociologistssociologi, neurologistsnevrologi and fertilityplodnost specialistsstrokovnjaki
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sociologi, nevrologi in plodnostni strokovnjaki
03:15
alreadyže know:
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že vedo:
03:17
that claimingzahtevajo your 20s is one of the simplestnajpreprostejši,
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da je prilaščanje svojih dvajsetih najenostavnejša,
03:20
yetše mostnajbolj transformativeprirejena, things you can do
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a vseeno najbolj transformativna stvar, ki jo lahko naredite
03:23
for work, for love, for your happinesssreča,
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za svoje delo, ljubezen, za svojo srečo,
03:25
maybe even for the worldsvet.
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morda celo za svet.
03:28
This is not my opinionmnenje. These are the factsdejstva.
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To ni moje mnenje. To so dejstva.
03:33
We know that 80 percentodstotkov of life'sživljenje mostnajbolj definingdefiniranje momentstrenutke
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Vemo, da se 80 % najpomembnejših življenjskih dogodkov
03:36
take placemesto by agestarost 35.
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zgodi pred 35. letom.
03:39
That meanssredstva that eightosem out of 10 of the decisionsodločitve
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To pomeni, da se bo 8 izmed 10. odločitev,
03:42
and experiencesizkušnje and "AhaAha!" momentstrenutke
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izkušenj in "Aha!" trenutkov,
03:45
that make your life what it is
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ki naredijo vaše življenje to kar je,
03:47
will have happenedse je zgodilo by your mid-sredi leta,30s.
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zgodilo do sredine vaših tridesetih let.
03:50
People who are over 40, don't panicpanike.
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Tisti, ki ste čez 40, ne paničarite.
03:52
This crowdmnožica is going to be fine, I think.
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Mislim, da tejle množici ne bo hudega.
03:55
We know that the first 10 yearslet of a careerkariero
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Vemo, da ima prvih 10 let kariere
03:58
has an exponentialeksponentni impactvpliv
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eksponentni vpliv
04:00
on how much moneydenar you're going to earnzaslužijo.
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na količino denarja, ki jo boste zaslužili.
04:02
We know that more than halfpol of AmericansAmeričani
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Vemo, da je več kot polovica Američanov
04:04
are marriedporočen or are livingživeti with or datingdating
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poročena, živi ali hodi
04:07
theirnjihovi futureprihodnost partnerpartnerja by 30.
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s svojim bodočim partnerjem do 30. leta.
04:09
We know that the brainmožganov capskape off its seconddrugič
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Vemo, da možgani izbruhnejo v drugi
04:12
and last growthrast spurtizbruh in your 20s
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in zadnji rasti v vaših dvajsetih,
04:14
as it rewiresrewires itselfsama for adulthoododraslosti,
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ko se pripravljajo za odraslost,
04:17
whichki meanssredstva that whateverkarkoli it is you want to changesprememba about yourselfsami,
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kar pomeni, da karkoli želite spremeniti na sebi,
04:21
now is the time to changesprememba it.
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je zdaj pravi trenutek za to.
04:24
We know that personalityosebnost changesspremembe more duringmed your 20s
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Vemo, da se osebnost spremeni bolj v vaših dvajsetih,
04:27
than at any other time in life,
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kot v katerem koli drugem življenjskem obdobju,
04:30
and we know that femaležensko fertilityplodnost peaksvrhov at agestarost 28,
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ter vemo, da ženska plodnost doseže vrhunec pri 28. letu,
04:34
and things get trickytežak after agestarost 35.
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in da se stvari zapletejo po 35. letu.
04:37
So your 20s are the time to educateizobraževati yourselfsami
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Vaša dvajseta so torej čas, da se izobrazite
04:40
about your bodytelo and your optionsopcije.
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o vašem telesu in vaših možnostih.
04:44
So when we think about childotrok developmentrazvoj,
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Ko torej pomislimo na otroški razvoj
04:46
we all know that the first fivepet yearslet are a criticalkritično periodobdobje
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vsi vemo, da je prvih pet let kritičnih
04:50
for languagejezik and attachmentPriponka in the brainmožganov.
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za razvoj jezika in navezanosti v možganih.
04:54
It's a time when your ordinaryvsakdanji, day-to-dayvsak dan life
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To je čas, ko ima vaše običajno, vsakodnevno življenje
04:57
has an inordinateneizmerno impactvpliv on who you will becomepostane.
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neobičajen vpliv na to kar boste postali.
05:01
But what we hearslišite lessmanj about is that there's suchtako a thing
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A manj pogosto slišimo, da obstaja
05:04
as adultodrasla oseba developmentrazvoj, and our 20s
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odrasli razvoj, in da so naša dvajseta
05:07
are that criticalkritično periodobdobje of adultodrasla oseba developmentrazvoj.
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kritično obdobje odraslega razvoja.
05:11
But this isn't what twentysomethingstwentysomethings are hearingsluh.
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A dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki tega ne slišijo pogosto.
05:14
NewspapersČasopisi talk about the changingzamenjati timetablečasovni razpored of adulthoododraslosti.
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Časopisi pišejo o spremenjenem razporedu odraslosti.
05:19
ResearchersRaziskovalci call the 20s an extendedpodaljšan adolescenceadolescence.
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Raziskovalci imenujejo dvajseta podaljšana mladost.
05:22
JournalistsNovinarji coinkovanec sillyneumno nicknamesvzdevki for twentysomethingstwentysomethings
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Novinarji si zmišljujejo smešne vzdevke za dvajset-in-nekaj-letnike,
05:25
like "twixterstwixters" and "kidultskidults."
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kot so "tviksterji" in "otrokodrasli."
05:28
It's trueresnično.
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Zares.
05:30
As a culturekulturo, we have trivializedtrivializiran what is actuallydejansko
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Kot kultura smo pripisali nepomembnost nečemu,
05:34
the definingdefiniranje decadedesetletje of adulthoododraslosti.
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kar je odločilno desetletje odraslosti.
05:39
LeonardLeonard BernsteinBernstein said that to achievedoseči great things,
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Leonard Bernstein je rekel, da za dosego velikih stvari,
05:42
you need a plannačrt and not quitečisto enoughdovolj time.
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potrebuješ načrt in ravno premalo časa.
05:46
Isn't that trueresnično?
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Kaj ni to res?
05:48
So what do you think happensse zgodi
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Torej kaj mislite, da se zgodi,
05:49
when you patpat a twentysomethingtwentysomething on the headglava and you say,
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ko potrepljaš dvajset-in-nekaj-letnika po glavi in rečeš,
05:52
"You have 10 extraekstra yearslet to startZačni your life"?
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"Imaš 10 dodatnih let, da začneš svoje življenje"?
05:55
Nothing happensse zgodi.
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Nič se ne zgodi.
05:57
You have robbedoropati that personoseba of his urgencynujnost and ambitionambicije,
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To osebo ste oropali občutka nuje in ambicije
06:01
and absolutelyabsolutno nothing happensse zgodi.
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in zgodi se popolnoma nič.
06:04
And then everyvsak day, smartpameten, interestingzanimivo twentysomethingstwentysomethings
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Tako vsak dan pametni, zanimivi dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki,
06:08
like you or like your sonssinovi and daughtershčere
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kot ste vi, vaši sinovi ali hčere,
06:11
come into my officeurad and say things like this:
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pridejo v mojo pisarno in govorijo takšne stvari:
06:16
"I know my boyfriend'sfanta no good for me,
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"Vem, da moj fant ni primeren zame,
06:18
but this relationshiprazmerje doesn't countšteje. I'm just killingubijanje time."
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ampak to razmerje se ne šteje. Samo zapravljam čas."
06:22
Or they say, "EverybodyVsi sayspravi as long as I get startedzačel
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Ali rečejo, "Vsi pravijo, da dokler začnem
06:25
on a careerkariero by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
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s kariero do 30. leta, bo vse v redu."
06:29
But then it startsse začne to soundzvok like this:
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Ampak potem začne zveneti bolj kot:
06:32
"My 20s are almostskoraj over, and I have nothing to showshow for myselfjaz.
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"Moja dvajseta so skoraj že za mano in nič nimam kar bi lahko pokazala.
06:36
I had a better résumvsotaé the day after I graduateddiplomiral from collegekolegij."
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Imela sem boljši življenjepis na dan, ko sem diplomirala."
06:41
And then it startsse začne to soundzvok like this:
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In potem se spremeni v:
06:44
"DatingDating in my 20s was like musicalglasbeni chairsstoli.
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"Zmenkarjenje v mojih dvajsetih je bilo kot 'ples s stoli.'
06:46
EverybodyVsi was runningteče around and havingimeti funzabavno,
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Vsi smo se podili naokrog in se zabavali,
06:49
but then sometimenekje around 30 it was like the musicglasba turnedobrnjen off
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potem pa je okoli 30. glasba ugasnila
06:52
and everybodyvsi startedzačel sittingsedi down.
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in vsi so se začeli usedati.
06:55
I didn't want to be the only one left standingstoji up,
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Nisem hotela biti edina brez stola,
06:57
so sometimesvčasih I think I marriedporočen my husbandmož
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zato včasih mislim, da sem se poročila s svojim možem,
06:59
because he was the closestnajbližji chairstol to me at 30."
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ker je bil najbližji stol, ko sem dopolnila 30."
07:03
Where are the twentysomethingstwentysomethings here?
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Kje so dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki?
07:05
Do not do that.
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Ne delajte tega!
07:09
Okay, now that soundszvoki a little flipflip, but make no mistakenapaka,
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V redu, to se sliši nekoliko pretirano, ampak nikar se ne slepite,
07:12
the stakesdelnice are very highvisoko.
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tveganja so velika.
07:14
When a lot has been pushedpotisnila to your 30s,
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Ko se približujete tridesetim,
07:17
there is enormousogromno thirtysomethingThirtysomething pressurepritisk
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se pojavi gromozanski pritisk tridesetih,
07:19
to jump-startskok-start a careerkariero, pickpick a citymesto, partnerpartnerja up,
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da začnete svojo kariero, si izberete mesto, partnerja
07:23
and have two or threetri kidsotroci in a much shorterkrajši periodobdobje of time.
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in imate dva ali tri otroke v veliko krajšem času.
07:27
ManyVeliko of these things are incompatiblenezdružljiva,
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Veliko teh stvari je nezdružljivih
07:29
and as researchraziskave is just startingzačetek to showshow,
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in raziskave začenjajo kazati,
07:32
simplypreprosto hardertežje and more stressfulstresno to do
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da jih je veliko težje in bolj stresno
07:35
all at onceenkrat in our 30s.
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opravljati vse naenkrat v naših tridesetih.
07:38
The post-millennialPo tisočletno midlifesrednjih let crisiskriza
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Kriza srednjih let v novem tisočletju
07:40
isn't buyingnakup a redrdeča sportsšport caravto.
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ni kupovanje rdečega športnega avtomobila.
07:43
It's realizinguresničevanje you can't have that careerkariero you now want.
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Je spoznanje, da ne morete imeti kariere, ki si jo sedaj želite.
07:48
It's realizinguresničevanje you can't have that childotrok you now want,
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Je spoznanje, da ne morete imeti otroka, ki si ga sedaj želite,
07:51
or you can't give your childotrok a siblingsorodstveni.
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ali da svojemu otroku ne morete dati brata ali sestre.
07:55
Too manyveliko thirtysomethingsthirtysomethings and fortysomethingsfortysomethings
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Preveč trideset- in štirideset-in-nekaj-letnikov
07:57
look at themselvessami, and at me, sittingsedi acrossčez the roomsoba,
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gleda sebe in mene, ki sedim nasproti njih,
08:01
and say about theirnjihovi 20s,
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in rečejo o svojih dvajsetih:
08:03
"What was I doing? What was I thinkingrazmišljanje?"
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"Kaj sem delala? Kaj sem razmišljala?"
08:09
I want to changesprememba what twentysomethingstwentysomethings
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Želim spremeniti kar dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki
08:10
are doing and thinkingrazmišljanje.
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delajo in razmišljajo.
08:13
Here'sTukaj je a storyzgodba about how that can go.
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Povem vam zgodbo kako se lahko to spremeni.
08:15
It's a storyzgodba about a womanženska namedimenovan EmmaEmma.
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Zgodbo o ženski po imenu Emma.
08:19
At 25, EmmaEmma cameprišel to my officeurad
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Kot 25-letnica je Emma prišla v mojo pisarno,
08:21
because she was, in her wordsbesede, havingimeti an identityidentiteta crisiskriza.
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ker je imela, kot je rekla sama, krizo identitete.
08:26
She said she thought she mightmorda like to work in artumetnost
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Rekla je, da bi morda rada delala v umetnosti
08:29
or entertainmentzabava, but she hadn'tni decidedodločil yetše,
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ali zabavni industriji, vendar se še ni odločila,
08:32
so she'dona bi spentpreživel the last fewmalo yearslet waitingčakanje tablestabele insteadnamesto tega.
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zato je preteklih nekaj let delala kot natakarica.
08:36
Because it was cheapercenejši, she livedživel with a boyfriendfant
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Ker je bilo ceneje, je živela s fantom,
08:39
who displayedprikazano his tempertemperament more than his ambitionambicije.
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ki je bolj razkazoval svojo vzkipljivost kot ambicije.
08:43
And as hardtežko as her 20s were,
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Njena dvajseta so bila težka,
08:45
her earlyzgodaj life had been even hardertežje.
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a še bolj težko je bilo njeno otroštvo.
08:47
She oftenpogosto criedjokala in our sessionsseje,
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Pogosto je jokala na najinih seansah,
08:50
but then would collectzbiranje herselfsama by sayinggovoriti,
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potem pa se je ponavadi zbrala z besedami:
08:52
"You can't pickpick your familydružina, but you can pickpick your friendsprijatelji."
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"Ne moreš si izbrati družine, lahko pa si izbereš prijatelje."
08:57
Well one day, EmmaEmma comesprihaja in
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Nekega dne Emma vstopi,
08:58
and she hangsvisi her headglava in her lapkrog,
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položi glavo v svoje naročje
09:00
and she sobbedzaihtela for mostnajbolj of the houruro.
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in joče večino najine ure.
09:04
She'dOna bi just boughtkupil a newnovo addressnaslov bookknjigo,
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Ravnokar je kupila novi žepni imenik
09:06
and she'dona bi spentpreživel the morningjutro fillingpolnjenje in her manyveliko contactsstike,
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in jutro je preživela ob vpisovanju svojih številnih kontaktov,
09:09
but then she'dona bi been left staringstrmel at that emptyprazno blankprazno
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potem pa je strmela v prazni prostor,
09:12
that comesprihaja after the wordsbesede
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ki pride po besedah
09:14
"In caseprimera of emergencynujno, please call ... ."
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"V nujnem primeru pokličite..."
09:18
She was nearlyskoraj hystericalhisterično when she lookedpogledal at me and said,
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Bila je skoraj histerična, ko me je pogledala in rekla:
09:21
"Who'sKi je going to be there for me if I get in a caravto wreckrazbitin?
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"Kdo bo prišel, če me bo zbil avto?
09:24
Who'sKi je going to take carenego of me if I have cancerrak?"
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Kdo bo skrbel zame, če bom imela raka?"
09:29
Now in that momenttrenutek, it tookvzel everything I had
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V tistem trenutku sem mogla zbrati vso svojo moč,
09:31
not to say, "I will."
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da nisem rekla "Jaz."
09:33
But what EmmaEmma neededpotrebno wasn'tni bilo some therapistterapevt
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Vendar Emma ni potrebovala terapevta,
09:36
who really, really caredskrbno.
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ki ga resnično skrbi.
09:38
EmmaEmma neededpotrebno a better life, and I knewvedel this was her chancepriložnost.
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Emma je potrebovala boljše življenje in vedela sem, da je bila to njena priložnost.
09:43
I had learnednaučili too much sinceod I first workeddelal with AlexAlex
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Odkar sem prvič delala z Alex, sem se naučila preveč,
09:46
to just sitsedi there while Emma'sOsebe Emma definingdefiniranje decadedesetletje
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da bi samo sedela in pustila, da gre Emmino odločilno desetletje
09:49
wentšla paradingparadiranje by.
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s fanfarami mimo naju.
09:53
So over the nextNaslednji weekstednih and monthsmesecev,
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Tekom naslednjih tednov in mesecev
09:55
I told EmmaEmma
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sem povedala Emmi
09:56
threetri things that everyvsak twentysomethingtwentysomething, malemoški or femaležensko,
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tri stvari, ki si jih vsak dvajset-in-nekaj-letnik, naj bo moški ali ženska,
10:00
deserveszasluži to hearslišite.
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zasluži vedeti.
10:03
First, I told EmmaEmma to forgetpozabi about havingimeti an identityidentiteta crisiskriza
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Najprej sem ji rekla, naj pozabi na krizo identitete
10:08
and get some identityidentiteta capitalkapital.
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in si raje pridobi nekaj identitetnega kapitala.
10:11
By get identityidentiteta capitalkapital, I mean do something
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Z identitetnim kapitalom mislim na stvari,
10:13
that addsdodaja valuevrednost to who you are.
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ki dodajo vrednost tvoji osebnosti.
10:17
Do something that's an investmentnaložbe
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Naredi nekaj, kar bo investicija
10:19
in who you mightmorda want to be nextNaslednji.
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v osebo, ki morda želiš postati.
10:22
I didn't know the futureprihodnost of Emma'sOsebe Emma careerkariero,
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Nisem poznala prihodnosti Emmine kariere
10:24
and no one knowsve the futureprihodnost of work, but I do know this:
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in nihče ne pozna prihodnosti dela, a vem to:
10:28
IdentityIdentitete capitalkapital begetsrodi identityidentiteta capitalkapital.
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Identitetni kapital poraja identitetni kapital.
10:32
So now is the time for that cross-countrytek na smučeh jobdelo,
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Zdaj je torej čas za tisto službo nekje daleč,
10:35
that internshipstažu, that startupzačeti you want to try.
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tisto pripravništvo, tisto podjetje, ki ga želiš začeti.
10:38
I'm not discountingdiskontiranje twentysomethingtwentysomething explorationraziskovanje here,
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Ne zavračam raziskovanja dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov,
10:42
but I am discountingdiskontiranje explorationraziskovanje that's not supposeddomnevno to countšteje,
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zavračam pa raziskovanje, ki ni namenjeno ničemur,
10:46
whichki, by the way, is not explorationraziskovanje.
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ki tako ali tako ni raziskovanje.
10:49
That's procrastinationodlašanje.
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To je zavlačevanje.
10:52
I told EmmaEmma to exploreraziskati work and make it countšteje.
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Emmi sem rekla, naj razišče delovne možnosti in jih izkoristi.
10:58
SecondDrugi, I told EmmaEmma that the urbanmestno tribeplemena is overratedprecenjene.
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Kot drugo, sem Emmi povedala, da je urbano pleme precenjeno.
11:03
BestNajboljši friendsprijatelji are great for givingdajanje ridesvožnja to the airportletališče,
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Najboljši prijatelji so super, ko rabiš prevoz do letališča,
11:06
but twentysomethingstwentysomethings who huddlestiskajo togetherskupaj
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vendar dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki, ki se gnetejo
11:09
with like-mindedpodobno mislečimi peersvrstniki limitomejitev who they know,
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s podobno mislečimi vrstniki, omejijo svoja poznanstva,
11:11
what they know, how they think, how they speakgovoriti,
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svoje znanje, svoje razmišljanje, svoj govor
11:15
and where they work.
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in svoja delovna mesta.
11:18
That newnovo piecekos of capitalkapital, that newnovo personoseba to datedatum
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Tisti novi delček kapitala, tista nova oseba za zmenke,
11:20
almostskoraj always comesprihaja from outsidezunaj the innernotranji circlekrog.
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skoraj vedno pride izven stalne družbe.
11:24
NewNove things come from what are calledpozval our weakšibko tiesvezi,
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Nove stvari pridejo iz tako imenovanih šibkih vezi,
11:27
our friendsprijatelji of friendsprijatelji of friendsprijatelji.
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naši prijatelji od prijateljev od prijateljev.
11:30
So yes, halfpol of twentysomethingstwentysomethings are un-ZN- or under-employedzaposleni.
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Res je, polovica dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikov je brez- ali podpovoprečno zaposlena.
11:35
But halfpol aren'tne, and weakšibko tiesvezi
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Vendar polovica jih ni in šibke vezi
11:37
are how you get yourselfsami into that groupskupina.
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so vstopnica v to skupino.
11:40
HalfPolovica of newnovo jobsslužbe are never postedObjavljeno,
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Polovica novih delovnih mest ni nikoli razpisanih,
11:43
so reachingdosegel out to your neighbor'sbližnjega bossšef
224
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zato je pogovor s sosedovim šefom
11:45
is how you get that un-postedneknjižen jobdelo.
225
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način, kako dobiš tisto neobjavljeno službo.
11:48
It's not cheatingvaranje. It's the scienceznanost of how informationinformacije spreadsrazširi.
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To ni goljufanje. Je znanost o širjenju informacij.
11:53
Last but not leastvsaj, EmmaEmma believedverjel that
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2016
In še kot zadnje, Emma je verjela,
11:55
you can't pickpick your familydružina, but you can pickpick your friendsprijatelji.
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da si ne moreš izbrati družine, lahko pa si izbereš prijatelje.
11:59
Now this was trueresnično for her growingrastoče up,
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To je bilo res, ko je odraščala,
12:01
but as a twentysomethingtwentysomething, soonkmalu EmmaEmma would pickpick her familydružina
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vendar si bo Emma kot dvajset-in-nekaj-letnica kmalu izbrala svojo družino,
12:03
when she partneredsolastnik with someonenekdo
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ko si bo izbrala partnerja
12:05
and createdustvarjeno a familydružina of her ownlastno.
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in začela svojo družino.
12:08
I told EmmaEmma the time to startZačni pickingnabiranje your familydružina is now.
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Emmi sem rekla, da je zdaj čas za izbiranje družine.
12:14
Now you maylahko be thinkingrazmišljanje that 30
234
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1850
Morda mislite, da je pri tridesetih
12:16
is actuallydejansko a better time to settleporavnavo down
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boljši čas, da se ustalite
12:18
than 20, or even 25,
236
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kot pri dvajsetih ali celo petindvajsetih
12:21
and I agreese strinjam with you.
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in jaz se strinjam.
12:23
But grabbingzgrabiti whoeverkdorkoli you're livingživeti with or sleepingspanje with
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Vendar to, da pograbite tistega s katerim slučajno živite ali spite,
12:26
when everyonevsi on FacebookFacebook startsse začne walkinghoditi down the aisleoltarja
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ko vsi na Facebooku začnejo hoditi proti oltarju,
12:29
is not progressnapredek.
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ni napredek.
12:32
The bestnajboljši time to work on your marriagezakon
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Najboljši čas, da delate na svojem zakonu,
12:35
is before you have one,
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1501
je preden ga imate
12:36
and that meanssredstva beingbiti as intentionalnamerno with love
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in to pomeni, da ste z ljubeznijo prav tako namerni,
12:39
as you are with work.
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kot ste z delom.
12:41
PickingNabiranje your familydružina is about consciouslyzavestno choosingizbira
245
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Izbira družine je zavestna odločitev
12:44
who and what you want
246
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koga in kaj si želite,
12:46
ratherprecej than just makingizdelavo it work or killingubijanje time
247
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ne le vztrajanje ali zapravljanje časa
12:49
with whoeverkdorkoli happensse zgodi to be choosingizbira you.
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z osebo, ki si je slučajno izbrala vas.
12:53
So what happenedse je zgodilo to EmmaEmma?
249
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1940
Kaj se je torej zgodilo z Emmo?
12:55
Well, we wentšla throughskozi that addressnaslov bookknjigo,
250
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2036
Šli sva skozi njen žepni imenik
12:57
and she foundnajdemo an oldstar roommate'ssostanovalec cousinbratranec
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in našla je bratranca bivše cimre,
13:00
who workeddelal at an artumetnost museummuzej in anotherdrugo statedržava.
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ki je delal v galeriji v drugi zvezni državi.
13:03
That weakšibko tiekravata helpedpomagal her get a jobdelo there.
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Ta šibka vez ji je pomagala dobiti službo tam.
13:06
That jobdelo offerponudbe gavedala her the reasonrazlog
254
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Ta ponudba za službo ji je dala razlog,
13:08
to leavedopust that live-inLive-in boyfriendfant.
255
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da je zapustila fanta s katerim je živela.
13:10
Now, fivepet yearslet laterpozneje, she's a specialposeben eventsdogodki plannernačrtovalec for museumsmuzeji.
256
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Danes, pet let pozneje, je organizatorka posebnih dogodkov za muzeje.
13:14
She's marriedporočen to a man she mindfullypozorno choseizbral.
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Poročena je z moškim, ki ga je zavestno izbrala.
13:18
She lovesljubi her newnovo careerkariero, she lovesljubi her newnovo familydružina,
258
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Obožuje svojo novo kariero, obožuje svojo novo družino
13:20
and she sentposlano me a cardkartica that said,
259
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2448
in poslala mi je razglednico na kateri je pisalo:
13:23
"Now the emergencynujno contactstik blanksprazne celice
260
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2235
"Zdaj se mi prostori za kontakte v nujnih primerih
13:25
don't seemzdi se bigvelik enoughdovolj."
261
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3435
ne zdijo dovolj veliki."
13:29
Now Emma'sOsebe Emma storyzgodba madeizdelane that soundzvok easyenostavno,
262
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Emmina zgodba zveni preprosto
13:31
but that's what I love about workingdelo with twentysomethingstwentysomethings.
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in ravno to obožujem pri delu z dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki.
13:34
They are so easyenostavno to help.
264
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2317
Tako lahko jim je pomagati.
13:36
TwentysomethingsTwentysomethings are like airplanesletala just leavingodhod LAXOHLAPNI,
265
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3833
Dvajset-in-nekaj-letniki so kot letala, ki ravno zapuščajo letališče v Los Angelesu,
13:40
boundvezani for somewherenekje westzahodno.
266
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2566
namenjena nekam na zahod.
13:43
Right after takeoffvzlet, a slightrahlo changesprememba in courseseveda
267
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3098
Takoj po vzletu majhna sprememba smeri
13:46
is the differenceRazlika betweenmed landingpristanek in AlaskaAlaska or FijiFidži.
268
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pomeni razliko med pristankom na Aljaski ali Fidžiju.
13:51
LikewisePrav tako, at 21 or 25 or even 29,
269
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Podobno lahko ima pri 21. ali 25. ali celo 29.
13:56
one good conversationpogovor, one good breakodmor,
270
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en dober pogovor, en dober odmor,
13:59
one good TEDTED Talk, can have an enormousogromno effectučinek
271
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en dober TED govor ogromen učinek
14:03
acrossčez yearslet and even generationsgeneracije to come.
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na leta ali celo generacije, ki šele pridejo.
14:07
So here'sTukaj je an ideaideja worthvredno spreadingširjenje
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2218
Tukaj je torej ideja vredna širjenja
14:09
to everyvsak twentysomethingtwentysomething you know.
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vsakemu dvajset-in-nekaj-letniku, ki ga poznate.
14:12
It's as simplepreprosto as what I learnednaučili to say to AlexAlex.
275
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Je preprosto kot tisto, kar sem se naučila reči Alex.
14:15
It's what I now have the privilegeprivilegij
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Je tisto, kar imam privilegij
14:17
of sayinggovoriti to twentysomethingstwentysomethings like EmmaEmma everyvsak singlesamski day:
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reči dvajset-in-nekaj-letnikom, kot je Emma, vsak dan:
14:22
ThirtyTrideset is not the newnovo 20, so claimzahtevek your adulthoododraslosti,
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Trideseta niso nova dvajseta, zato si prilastite svojo odraslost,
14:26
get some identityidentiteta capitalkapital, use your weakšibko tiesvezi,
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pridobite nekaj identitetnega kapitala, uporabite svoje šibke vezi,
14:29
pickpick your familydružina.
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izberite si družino.
14:32
Don't be defineddefinirani by what you didn't know
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Naj vas ne opredeli tisto, česar niste vedeli
14:34
or didn't do.
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ali niste naredili.
14:35
You're decidingodločanje your life right now.
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O svojem življenju odločate ta trenutek.
14:39
Thank you.
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Hvala.
14:40
(ApplauseAplavz)
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(aplavz)
Translated by Anja Pogacnik
Reviewed by Rok Krulec

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Meg Jay - Clinical psychologist
In her book "The Defining Decade," Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most transformative — and defining — period of our adult lives.

Why you should listen

Lately it feels as if 25 is just a bit too young to get serious. In her psychology practice, and her book The Defining Decade, clinical psychologist Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation about what Time magazine calls the "Me Me Me Generation." The rhetoric that "30 is the new 20," she suggests, trivializes what is actually the most transformative period of our adult lives.
 
Drawing from more than ten years of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, Jay weaves science together with compelling, behind-closed-doors stories. The result is a provocative, poignant read that shows us why, far from being an irrelevant downtime, our twenties are a developmental sweetspot that comes only once.  Our twenties are a time when the things we do -- and the things we don’t do -- will have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.

Jay is a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development, and in twentysomethings in particular. She is an assistant clinical professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.  She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.

More profile about the speaker
Meg Jay | Speaker | TED.com