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Colin Grant: How our stories cross over
Kolin Grant (Colin Grant): Sin nezgodnog oca
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Kolin Grant je proveo čitav svoj život krećući se emotivnim pejzažima između života svog oca i sopstvenog života. Rođen u Engleskoj od roditelja Jamajčana, Grant crpi priče zajedničkog iskustva u okviru svoje imigrantske zajednice - i priča o tome kako je pronašao oproštaj za oca koji ga je odbacio.
Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
This is a photograph
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Ovo je fotografija
00:14
of a man whom for many years
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čoveka koga sam godinama
00:17
I plotted to kill.
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planirao da ubijem.
00:21
This is my father,
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Ovo je moj otac,
00:24
Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.
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Klinton Džordž "Podočnjak" Grant.
00:27
He's called Bageye because he has
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Nazvan je Podočnjak zato što ima
00:30
permanent bags under his eyes.
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trajne podočnjake.
00:34
As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,
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Kao desetogodišnjak,
zajedno sa svojom braćom i sestrama,
zajedno sa svojom braćom i sestrama,
00:37
I dreamt of scraping off the poison
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sanjao sam da stružem otrov
00:41
from fly-killer paper into his coffee,
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sa papira za ubijanje muva u njegovu kafu,
00:45
grounded down glass and sprinkling it
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mrvim čašu i posipam je
00:47
over his breakfast,
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po njegovom doručku,
00:50
loosening the carpet on the stairs
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podešavam tepih na stepenicama
00:51
so he would trip and break his neck.
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tako da bi se on okliznuo i polomio vrat.
Ali kada bi došao taj dan,
00:55
But come the day, he would always
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on bi uvek preskočio taj klimavi korak,
00:57
skip that loose step,
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00:59
he would always bow out of the house
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on bi se uvek povukao iz kuće
01:01
without so much as a swig of coffee
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bez čak i gutljaja kafe
01:03
or a bite to eat.
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ili zalogaja jela.
01:05
And so for many years,
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I tako mnogo godina,
01:07
I feared that my father would die
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bojao sam se da će moj otac umreti
01:09
before I had a chance to kill him.
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pre nego što dobijem šansu da ga ubijem.
01:11
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:15
Up until our mother asked him to leave
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Sve dok ga naša majka
nije zamolila da ode
nije zamolila da ode
01:18
and not come back,
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i ne vraća se,
01:20
Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.
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Podočnjak je bio zastrašujuće čudovište.
01:24
He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,
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Stalno je bio na granici besa,
01:28
rather like me, as you see.
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baš kao ja, kao što vidite.
01:31
He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton
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Radio je noću u Voksal motorima u Lutonu
01:35
and demanded total silence throughout the house,
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i zahtevao je potpunu tišinu u celoj kući,
01:38
so that when we came home from school
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tako da kada bismo se
vratili kući iz škole
vratili kući iz škole
01:40
at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle
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u 3:30 popodne, zbili bismo se
01:42
beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,
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pokraj TV-a, i poput obijača sefova,
01:46
we would twiddle with the volume control knob
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vrteli bismo dugme za jačinu tona
01:48
on the TV so it was almost inaudible.
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na TV-u tako da bude skoro nečujan.
01:51
And at times, when we were like this,
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I ponekad, kad smo bili takvi,
01:53
so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
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toliko se puta "Pssst"
01:56
going on in the house
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čulo po kući
01:58
that I imagined us to be like
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da sam zamišljao da smo kao
02:00
the German crew of a U-boat
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nemačka posada u podmornici
02:03
creeping along the edge of the ocean
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koja se šunja duž ivice okeana
02:06
whilst up above, on the surface,
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dok gore, na površini,
02:07
HMS Bageye patrolled
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patrolira brod HMS Podočnjak
02:11
ready to drop death charges
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spreman da donese smrtnu presudu
02:13
at the first sound of any disturbance.
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na prvi zvuk bilo kakvog uznemiravanja.
02:17
So that lesson was the lesson that
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Ta lekcija je bila lekcija da
02:20
"Do not draw attention to yourself
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"Ne privlači pažnju na sebe
02:22
either in the home or outside of the home."
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kako u kući tako i van kuće."
02:24
Maybe it's a migrant lesson.
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Možda je to lekcija migranata.
Trebalo je da budemo ispod radara,
02:27
We were to be below the radar,
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pa nije bilo nikakve komunikacije,
zapravo,
zapravo,
02:30
so there was no communication, really,
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02:31
between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,
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između Podočnjaka i nas
i nas i Podočnjaka,
i nas i Podočnjaka,
02:34
and the sound that we most looked forward to,
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i zvuk kome smo se najviše radovali,
02:37
you know when you're a child and you want
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znate kada ste dete i želite
02:39
your father to come home
and it's all going to be happy
and it's all going to be happy
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da vaš otac dođe kući i bićete srećni
i čekate zvuk vrata koja se otvaraju.
02:42
and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.
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Pa, zvuk kome smo se mi radovali
02:44
Well the sound that we looked forward to
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02:45
was the click of the door closing,
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je klik vrata koja se zatvaraju,
02:47
which meant he'd gone and would not come back.
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što je značilo da je on otišao
i da se neće vraćati.
i da se neće vraćati.
02:52
So for three decades,
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Tako tri decenije,
02:55
I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.
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nikada nisam pogledao svog oca,
niti on mene.
niti on mene.
Nijednom nismo govorili jedan sa drugim
tri decenije
tri decenije
02:58
We never spoke to each other for three decades,
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03:00
and then a couple of years ago, I decided
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i zatim pre par godina, odlučio sam
03:02
to turn the spotlight on him.
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da obratim pažnju na njega.
03:06
"You are being watched.
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"Pod prismotrom ste.
03:08
Actually, you are.
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Zaista, jeste.
03:10
You are being watched."
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Pod prismotrom ste."
03:12
That was his mantra to us, his children.
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To je bila njegova mantra nama,
njegovoj deci.
njegovoj deci.
03:15
Time and time again he would say this to us.
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Iznova i iznova bi nam to rekao.
03:16
And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,
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Bile su to 1970-e godine, bio je to Luton,
03:19
where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,
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gde je radio u Voksal motorima,
03:21
and he was a Jamaican.
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i bio je Jamajčanin.
Ono što je mislio bilo je:
03:23
And what he meant was,
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03:24
you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant
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ti kao dete jamajkanskog imigranta
03:26
are being watched
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si pod prismotrom
da bi se videlo kako ćeš ispasti,
da bi se videlo kako ćeš ispasti,
03:28
to see which way you turn, to see whether
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da li ćeš se konformirati
svom stereotipu u zemlji domaćinu,
svom stereotipu u zemlji domaćinu,
03:30
you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,
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03:34
of being feckless, work-shy,
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nesposobnog, lenjog,
03:36
destined for a life of crime.
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osuđenog na život kriminalca.
03:39
You are being watched,
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Pod prismotrom ste,
03:41
so confound their expectations of you.
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tako da treba da zbunite
njihova očekivanja od vas.
njihova očekivanja od vas.
03:45
To that end, Bageye and his friends,
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Iz tog razloga,
Podočnjak i njegovi prijatelji,
Podočnjak i njegovi prijatelji,
03:49
mostly Jamaican,
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većinom Jamajčani,
03:51
exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:
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prikazivali su neku vrstu
jamajčanske bella figure:
jamajčanske bella figure:
03:55
Turn your best side to the world,
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okreni svoju najbolju stranu svetu,
03:57
show your best face to the world.
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pokaži svoje najbolje lice svetu.
04:00
If you have seen some of the images
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Ako ste videli neke od slika
04:01
of the Caribbean people arriving
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ljudi sa Kariba koji pristižu
04:03
in the '40s and '50s,
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'40-ih i '50-ih godina,
04:05
you might have noticed that a lot of the men
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možda ste primetili da dosta muškaraca
nosi trilbi šešire.
nosi trilbi šešire.
04:07
wear trilbies.
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04:08
Now, there was no tradition
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
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Nije postojala tradicija
nošenja trilbija na Jamajci.
nošenja trilbija na Jamajci.
04:12
They invented that tradition for their arrival here.
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Izmislili su tu tradiciju
za svoj dolazak ovde.
za svoj dolazak ovde.
04:15
They wanted to project themselves in a way
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Želeli su da osmisle sebe
04:17
that they wanted to be perceived,
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kako su uvek želeli da budu opaženi,
04:19
so that the way they looked
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pa su ih način na koji su izgledali
04:21
and the names that they gave themselves
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i imena koja su davali sebi definisali.
04:23
defined them.
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04:25
So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.
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Tako je Podočnjak ćelav i ima podočnjake.
04:31
Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.
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Uredno Stopalo je veoma nervozan
po pitanju svoje obuće.
po pitanju svoje obuće.
04:35
Anxious is always anxious.
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Zabrinuti je uvek uznemiren.
04:37
Clock has one arm longer than the other.
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Sat ima jednu ruku dužu od druge.
04:40
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
I moj omiljeni lik svih vremena je bio tip
koga su zvali Letnje Odelo.
koga su zvali Letnje Odelo.
04:44
And my all-time favorite was the
guy they called Summerwear.
guy they called Summerwear.
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Kada je Letnje Odelo došao u ovu zemlju
04:47
When Summerwear came to this country
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04:49
from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted
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iz Jamajke ranih '60-ih, insistirao je
04:51
on wearing light summer suits,
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na nošenju laganih letnjih odela,
04:53
no matter the weather,
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bez obzira na vreme,
04:55
and in the course of researching their lives,
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i istražujući njihove živote,
04:56
I asked my mom, "Whatever
became of Summerwear?"
became of Summerwear?"
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pitao sam mamu:
"Šta se desilo sa Letnjim Odelom?"
"Šta se desilo sa Letnjim Odelom?"
04:59
And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)
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A ona je rekla: "Prehladio se i umro."
(Smeh)
(Smeh)
05:04
But men like Summerwear
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Ali ljudi kao što je Letnje Odelo
05:06
taught us the importance of style.
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su nas naučili važnosti stila.
05:08
Maybe they exaggerated their style
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Možda su prenaglasili svoj stil
05:10
because they thought that they were not considered
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jer su mislili da ih
ne smatraju civilizovanim,
ne smatraju civilizovanim,
05:13
to be quite civilized,
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i preneli su taj generacijski stav
05:15
and they transferred that generational attitude
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05:18
or anxiety onto us, the next generation,
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zabrinutosti na nas, sledeću generaciju,
05:20
so much so that when I was growing up,
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toliko da, dok sam odrastao,
ako bi ikada na televizijskim vestima
ili na radiju
ili na radiju
05:23
if ever on the television news or radio
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05:25
a report came up about a black person
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reporter razotkrio crnu osobu
05:26
committing some crime —
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koja je počinila neki zločin -
05:28
a mugging, a murder, a burglary —
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pljačku, ubistvo, provalu -
05:32
we winced along with our parents,
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mi bismo se trgli
zajedno sa našim roditeljima,
zajedno sa našim roditeljima,
05:35
because they were letting the side down.
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jer bi izneverili svoju stranu.
Jednostavno nisi zastupao sebe.
05:38
You did not just represent yourself.
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05:39
You represented the group,
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Zastupao si grupu,
05:41
and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,
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i bila je zastrašujuća stvar
pomiriti se sa,
pomiriti se sa,
05:46
in a way, that maybe you were going
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na neki način, time da ćete možda
05:48
to be perceived in the same light.
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biti posmatrani u istom svetlu.
05:52
So that was what needed to be challenged.
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To je trebalo da bude opovrgnuto.
05:56
Our father and many of his colleagues
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Naš otac i mnoge njegove kolege
06:00
exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.
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su ispoljavali neku vrstu prenosa
ali ne i prijema.
ali ne i prijema.
06:04
They were built to transmit but not receive.
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Stvoreni su da prenesu
ali ne i da primaju.
ali ne i da primaju.
06:06
We were to keep quiet.
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Na nama je bilo da budemo tihi.
06:09
When our father did speak to us,
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Kada bi nam se otac obratio,
06:10
it was from the pulpit of his mind.
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to je bilo sa propovedaonice
njegovog uma.
njegovog uma.
06:13
They clung to certainty in the belief
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Držali su se sigurnosti verovanja
06:15
that doubt would undermine them.
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da će im sumnja naškoditi.
06:19
But when I am working in my house
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Ali kada radim kod kuće i pišem,
06:22
and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs
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nakon dana provedenog u pisanju,
pojurim niz stepenice
pojurim niz stepenice
06:26
and I'm very excited to talk about
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
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i veoma sam uzbuđen da govorim
o Markusu Garviju ili Bobu Marliju
o Markusu Garviju ili Bobu Marliju
06:29
and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies
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i reči izleću iz mojih usta kao leptiri
06:32
and I'm so excited that my children stop me,
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i toliko sam uzbuđen
da me moja deca zaustave,
da me moja deca zaustave,
06:35
and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."
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i kažu: "Tata, tata, nikoga nije briga."
06:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:42
But they do care, actually.
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Ali briga ih je, u stvari.
06:44
They cross over.
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Približe se oni.
06:46
Somehow they find their way to you.
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Nekako nađu svoj put do vas.
06:48
They shape their lives according
to the narrative of your life,
to the narrative of your life,
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Oblikuju svoje živote
prema narativu vašeg života,
prema narativu vašeg života,
06:52
as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,
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kao što sam i ja
sa mojim ocem i majkom, možda,
sa mojim ocem i majkom, možda,
06:56
and maybe Bageye did with his father.
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i možda je Podočnjak sa svojim ocem.
06:59
And that was clearer to me
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To mi je postajalo jasnije
07:00
in the course of looking at his life
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tokom posmatranja njegovog života
07:03
and understanding, as they say,
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i razumevanja, kako kažu,
Indijanci kažu,
Indijanci kažu,
07:06
the Native Americans say,
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"Nemoj kritikovati čoveka
dok ne budeš mogao da hodaš
dok ne budeš mogao da hodaš
07:08
"Do not criticize the man until you can walk
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07:09
in his moccasins."
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u njegovim mokasinama."
07:12
But in conjuring his life, it was okay
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Ali pri dočaravanju njegovog života,
bilo je u redu
i veoma iskreno prikazati
i veoma iskreno prikazati
07:14
and very straightforward to portray
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07:18
a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s
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karipski život u Engleskoj 1970-ih godina
07:21
with bowls of plastic fruit,
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sa činijama plastičnog voća,
07:26
polystyrene ceiling tiles,
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plafonskim pločama od stiropora,
07:29
settees permanently sheathed
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sofama trajno obloženim
07:31
in their transparent covers
that they were delivered in.
that they were delivered in.
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providnim navlakama
u kojima su dostavljene.
u kojima su dostavljene.
07:34
But what's more difficult to navigate
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Ali bilo je teže kretati se
07:36
is the emotional landscape
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emocionalnim pejzažom
07:38
between the generations,
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između generacija.
07:40
and the old adage that with age comes wisdom
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A stara izreka
da sa godinama dolazi mudrost
da sa godinama dolazi mudrost
07:45
is not true.
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nije istinita.
07:47
With age comes the veneer of respectability
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Sa godinama dolazi privid poštovanosti
07:50
and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.
171
458528
3368
i privid neprijatnih istina.
07:53
But what was true was that my parents,
172
461896
2772
Ali ono što je bila istina
jeste da su moji roditelji,
jeste da su moji roditelji,
07:56
my mother, and my father went along with it,
173
464668
2476
moja majka, i moj otac, to prihvatali,
07:59
did not trust the state to educate me.
174
467144
2768
nisu imali poverenja
da će me država obrazovati.
da će me država obrazovati.
08:01
So listen to how I sound.
175
469912
2490
Slušajte kako zvučim.
08:04
They determined that they would
send me to a private school,
send me to a private school,
176
472402
4282
Odlučili su da će me poslati
u privatnu školu,
u privatnu školu,
ali moj otac je radio u Voksal motorima.
08:08
but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.
177
476684
1757
08:10
It's quite difficult to fund a private school education
178
478441
3791
Prilično je teško finansirati
obrazovanje u privatnoj školi
obrazovanje u privatnoj školi
08:14
and feed his army of children.
179
482232
2640
i nahraniti svoju vojsku dece.
08:16
I remember going on to the school
180
484872
1984
Sećam se da sam išao u školu
08:18
for the entrance exam, and my father said
181
486856
2124
na prijemni ispit, i moj otac je rekao
08:20
to the priest — it was a Catholic school —
182
488980
3600
svešteniku - to je bila katolička škola -
08:24
he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,
183
492580
4227
želeo je bolju "hedukaciju" za dečaka,
08:28
but also, he, my father,
184
496807
2928
ali takođe, on, moj otac,
08:31
never even managed to pass worms,
185
499735
2640
nikada nije uspeo da prođe kroz zeleno,
08:34
never mind entrance exams.
186
502375
2620
a kamoli na prijemnom ispitu.
08:36
But in order to fund my education,
187
504995
1945
Ali kako bi finansirao moje obrazovanje,
08:38
he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,
188
506940
2723
morao je da obavlja neke sumnjive stvari,
08:41
so my father would fund my education
189
509663
3102
tako da je moj otac
finansirao moje školovanje
finansirao moje školovanje
08:44
by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,
190
512765
3604
trgujući nelegalnom robom
iz gepeka svog auta,
iz gepeka svog auta,
a to je bilo još nezgodnije jer
08:48
and that was made even more tricky because
191
516369
1432
08:49
my father, that's not his car by the way.
192
517801
2160
moj otac, to nije njegov auto, uzgred,
08:51
My father aspired to have a car like that,
193
519961
1808
moj otac je žudeo da ima takav auto,
08:53
but my father had a beaten-up Mini,
194
521769
2076
ali je imao razbijeni Mini,
08:55
and he never, being a
Jamaican coming to this country,
Jamaican coming to this country,
195
523845
4498
i nikada nije, pošto je Jamajčanin
koji je došao u ovu zemlju,
koji je došao u ovu zemlju,
09:00
he never had a driving license,
196
528343
2353
nikada nije imao vozačku dozvolu,
nikada nije imao nikakvo osiguranje niti
putarinu niti obavljen tehnički pregled.
putarinu niti obavljen tehnički pregled.
09:02
he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.
197
530696
3564
09:06
He thought, "I know how to drive;
198
534260
1939
Razmišljao je: "Znam da vozim,
09:08
why do I need the state's validation?"
199
536199
3080
šta će mi potvrda od države?"
Ali postajalo je malo nezgodno
kada bi nas zaustavila policija,
kada bi nas zaustavila policija,
09:11
But it became a little tricky when
we were stopped by the police,
we were stopped by the police,
200
539279
2232
09:13
and we were stopped a lot by the police,
201
541511
2213
a dosta nas je zaustavljala policija,
i bio sam impresioniran načinom
09:15
and I was impressed by the way
202
543724
1217
09:16
that my father dealt with the police.
203
544941
1899
na koji je moj otac
izlazio na kraj sa policijom.
izlazio na kraj sa policijom.
09:18
He would promote the policeman immediately,
204
546840
2808
Odmah bi unapredio policajca,
09:21
so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs
205
549648
4087
pa bi tako policajac Blogs
postao detektiv inspektor Blogs
postao detektiv inspektor Blogs
09:25
in the course of the conversation
206
553735
1184
za vreme razgovora
i veselo bismo se pozdravili.
i veselo bismo se pozdravili.
09:26
and wave us on merrily.
207
554919
1984
Moj otac je demonstrirao ono što mi
09:28
So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica
208
556903
1868
09:30
called "playing fool to catch wise."
209
558771
4182
na Jamajci zovemo "praviti se budalom
da bi prevario pametnog".
da bi prevario pametnog".
09:34
But it lent also an idea
210
562953
3369
Ali me je takođe navelo da pomislim
09:38
that actually he was being diminished
211
566322
1806
da su ga policajci ponižavali
09:40
or belittled by the policeman —
212
568128
2304
ili omalovažavali -
kao dečak od 10 godina, video sam to -
kao dečak od 10 godina, video sam to -
09:42
as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —
213
570432
1817
ali takođe je tu bila prisutna
ambivalencija prema autoritetu.
ambivalencija prema autoritetu.
09:44
but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.
214
572249
2571
09:46
So on the one hand, there was
215
574820
1645
Tako da je sa jedne strane, tu bilo
ismevanja autoriteta,
ismevanja autoriteta,
09:48
a mocking of authority,
216
576465
1627
ali sa druge strane,
tu je bilo pokoravanje autoritetu,
tu je bilo pokoravanje autoritetu,
09:50
but on the other hand, there was a deference
217
578092
2316
09:52
towards authority,
218
580408
1821
i ti ljudi sa Kariba
09:54
and these Caribbean people
219
582229
1955
09:56
had an overbearing obedience towards authority,
220
584184
4137
su posedovali
nepodnošljivu pokornost autoritetu,
nepodnošljivu pokornost autoritetu,
što je veoma iznenađujuće,
vrlo čudno na neki način,
vrlo čudno na neki način,
10:00
which is very striking, very strange in a way,
221
588321
2208
10:02
because migrants are very courageous people.
222
590529
3104
jer su migranti vrlo hrabri ljudi.
10:05
They leave their homes. My father and my mother
223
593633
2760
Ostavljaju svoje domove.
Moj otac i moja majka
Moj otac i moja majka
10:08
left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,
224
596393
3927
su napustili Jamajku i putovali 6500 km
10:12
and yet they were infantilized by travel.
225
600320
3824
a ipak su podetinjili usled putovanja.
10:16
They were timid,
226
604144
1768
Bili su plašljivi,
10:17
and somewhere along the line,
227
605912
1449
i negde usput,
10:19
the natural order was reversed.
228
607361
1841
prirodni poredak se preokrenuo.
10:21
The children became the parents to the parent.
229
609202
3487
Deca su postala roditelji roditelju.
Karipski narod je došao u ovu zemlju
sa planom za pet godina:
sa planom za pet godina:
10:26
The Caribbean people came to
this country with a five-year plan:
this country with a five-year plan:
230
614646
2497
10:29
they would work, some money, and then go back,
231
617143
1999
radili bi, stekli nešto novca
i zatim se vratili,
i zatim se vratili,
10:31
but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,
232
619142
2823
ali je pet godina postalo 10,
10 je postalo 15,
10 je postalo 15,
10:33
and before you know it,
you're changing the wallpaper,
you're changing the wallpaper,
233
621965
2345
i dok trepneš, menjaš tapete,
10:36
and at that point, you know you're here to stay.
234
624310
3632
i u tom trenutku znaš da ostaješ.
10:39
Although there's still the kind of temporariness
235
627942
2464
Iako je još uvek bila prisutna
nekakva privremenost
nekakva privremenost
10:42
that our parents felt about being here,
236
630406
2447
koju su naši roditelji osećali
u vezi s boravkom ovde,
u vezi s boravkom ovde,
10:44
but we children knew that the game was up.
237
632853
4187
mi deca smo znali da je igra gotova.
10:49
I think there was a feeling that
238
637040
2758
Mislim da je postojao osećaj da
10:51
they would not be able to continue with the ideals
239
639798
5350
neće moći da nastave sa idealima
10:57
of the life that they expected.
240
645148
2007
života kakvog su očekivali.
10:59
The reality was very much different.
241
647155
1982
Stvarnost je bila mnogo drugačija.
11:01
And also, that was true of the reality
242
649137
2074
I takođe, to je bila stvarnost
11:03
of trying to educate me.
243
651211
1418
pokušavanja da me obrazuju.
11:04
Having started the process,
my father did not continue.
my father did not continue.
244
652629
4062
Započevši proces, moj otac nije nastavio.
11:08
It was left to my mother to educate me,
245
656691
2728
Ostavljeno je mojoj majci da me obrazuje,
11:11
and as George Lamming would say,
246
659419
2721
a kao što bi Džordž Leming rekao,
11:14
it was my mother who fathered me.
247
662140
3779
moja majka je bila moj otac.
Čak i u njegovom odsustvu,
ta stara mantra je ostala:
ta stara mantra je ostala:
11:17
Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:
248
665919
2342
11:20
You are being watched.
249
668261
1687
pod prismotrom ste.
11:21
But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,
250
669948
3202
Ali takav revnosni oprez
može dovesti do anksioznosti,
može dovesti do anksioznosti,
11:25
so much so that years later, when I was investigating
251
673150
2249
toliko da godinama kasnije,
kada sam istraživao
kada sam istraživao
11:27
why so many young black men
252
675399
1314
zašto je tolikim crnim mladićima
dijagnostikovana šizofrenija,
dijagnostikovana šizofrenija,
11:28
were diagnosed with schizophrenia,
253
676713
2131
11:30
six times more than they ought to be,
254
678844
2507
šest puta više nego što bi trebalo biti,
11:33
I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,
255
681351
3272
nije me iznenadilo da čujem od psihijatra:
11:36
"Black people are schooled in paranoia."
256
684623
4458
"Crnci su školovani u paranoji."
11:41
And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.
257
689081
3871
Pitam se šta bi Podočnjak mislio o tome.
11:44
Now I also had a 10-year-old son,
258
692952
2527
Ja sam takođe imao sina od 10 godina,
11:47
and turned my attention to Bageye
259
695479
2849
usmerio sam svoju pažnju na Podočnjaka
11:50
and I went in search of him.
260
698328
1376
i krenuo u potragu za njim.
11:51
He was back in Luton, he was now 82,
261
699704
3602
Bio je u Lutonu, imao je 82 godine,
11:55
and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,
262
703306
3640
i nisam ga video 30-ak godina,
11:58
and when he opened the door,
263
706946
1598
a kada je otvorio vrata,
12:00
I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,
264
708544
3904
video sam sićušnog čoveka
sa sjajnim, nasmejanim očima,
sa sjajnim, nasmejanim očima,
12:04
and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.
265
712448
2343
smejao se, a nikad ga nisam video
da se smeje.
da se smeje.
12:06
I was very disconcerted by that.
266
714791
3048
Bio sam vrlo uznemiren time.
12:09
But we sat down, and he had
a Caribbean friend with him,
a Caribbean friend with him,
267
717839
3061
Ali smo seli,
bio je tu karipski prijatelj sa njim,
bio je tu karipski prijatelj sa njim,
12:12
talking some old time talk,
268
720900
2555
ćaskali su o nekim starim temama,
12:15
and my father would look at me,
269
723455
2474
i moj otac me je pogledao,
12:17
and he looked at me as if I would
270
725929
1654
pogledao me je kao da bih
12:19
miraculously disappear as I had arisen.
271
727583
3644
čudesno nestao kako sam se i pojavio.
12:23
And he turned to his friend, and he said,
272
731227
2236
Okrenuo se ka svom prijatelju, i rekao je:
12:25
"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,
273
733463
2960
"Ovaj dečak i ja imamo duboku,
duboku povezanost,
duboku povezanost,
12:28
deep, deep connection."
274
736423
2960
duboku, duboku povezanost."
Ali ja nikada nisam osetio tu povezanost.
12:31
But I never felt that connection.
275
739383
1397
12:32
If there was a pulse, it was very weak
276
740780
2779
Ako je tu bilo pulsa, bio je veoma slab
12:35
or hardly at all.
277
743559
2824
ili jedva da ga je bilo.
12:38
And I almost felt in the course of that reunion
278
746383
1840
I skoro da sam osetio
tokom tog ponovnog susreta
tokom tog ponovnog susreta
12:40
that I was auditioning to be my father's son.
279
748223
4617
da sam na audiciji
da budem sin svog oca.
da budem sin svog oca.
12:44
When the book came out,
280
752840
1992
Kada je knjiga izašla,
12:46
it had fair reviews in the national papers,
281
754832
1736
dobila je korektne kritike
u domaćoj štampi,
u domaćoj štampi,
12:48
but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,
282
756568
3272
ali odabrani časopis u Lutonu
nije Gardijan,
nije Gardijan,
12:51
it's the Luton News,
283
759840
2287
već Vesti Lutona,
12:54
and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,
284
762127
3776
a Vesti Lutona su objavile
naslov u vezi sa knjigom:
naslov u vezi sa knjigom:
12:57
"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."
285
765903
5219
"Knjiga koja može zaceliti
32 godine razdora."
32 godine razdora."
13:03
And I understood that could also represent
286
771122
3312
Shvatio sam da to takođe
može predstavljati
može predstavljati
13:06
the rift between one generation and the next,
287
774434
1903
jaz između jedne generacije
i one sledeće,
i one sledeće,
13:08
between people like me and my father's generation,
288
776337
4004
između ljudi kao što sam ja
i generacije mog oca,
i generacije mog oca,
13:12
but there's no tradition in Caribbean life
289
780341
2248
ali u karipskom životu nema tradicije
13:14
of memoirs or biographies.
290
782589
2104
memoara ili biografija.
13:16
It was a tradition that you didn't
chat about your business in public.
chat about your business in public.
291
784693
4084
Bila je tradicija da se ne priča
o svom životu u javnosti.
o svom životu u javnosti.
13:20
But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,
292
788777
4656
Ali sam dobro primio taj naslov,
i zapravo sam pomislio, da,
i zapravo sam pomislio, da,
13:25
there is a possibility that this
293
793433
1896
postoji mogućnost da će ovo
13:27
will open up conversations
that we'd never had before.
that we'd never had before.
294
795329
4193
otvoriti razgovore
koje nismo ranije imali.
koje nismo ranije imali.
13:31
This will close the generation gap, perhaps.
295
799522
4204
To će zatvoriti generacijski jaz, možda.
13:35
This could be an instrument of repair.
296
803726
2527
Ovo bi mogao biti alat za popravku.
13:38
And I even began to feel that this book
297
806253
2401
I čak sam počeo da osećam
da bi ovu knjigu
da bi ovu knjigu
13:40
may be perceived by my father
298
808654
2888
moj otac mogao videti
13:43
as an act of filial devotion.
299
811542
4176
kao čin sinovljeve odanosti.
13:47
Poor, deluded fool.
300
815718
3735
Sirota budala u zabludi.
13:51
Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be
301
819453
4041
Podočnjaka je razdražilo
ono što je video kao
ono što je video kao
13:55
the public airing of his shortcomings.
302
823494
2859
javno prikazivanje njegovih nedostataka.
13:58
He was stung by my betrayal,
303
826353
2901
Bio je uvređen mojom izdajom,
14:01
and he went to the newspapers the next day
304
829254
2072
i čak je otišao u novine sutradan
i zahtevao pravo na odgovor,
14:03
and demanded a right of reply,
305
831326
1184
14:04
and he got it with the headline
306
832510
2232
i dobio ga je sa naslovom
14:06
"Bageye Bites Back."
307
834742
3160
"Podočnjak uzvraća udarac."
14:09
And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.
308
837902
2968
To je bio iskričavi obračun moje izdaje.
14:12
I was no son of his.
309
840870
2878
Nisam bio njegov sin.
14:15
He recognized in his mind that his colors
310
843748
2081
Prepoznao je u svom umu
da je njegovo ime osramoćeno,
da je njegovo ime osramoćeno,
14:17
had been dragged through the
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
311
845829
2368
i to nije mogao da dopusti.
14:20
He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,
312
848197
2585
Morao je da povrati svoje dostojanstvo,
i to je i učinio,
i to je i učinio,
14:22
and initially, although I was disappointed,
313
850782
2428
i najpre, iako sam bio razočaran,
14:25
I grew to admire that stance.
314
853210
1680
počeo sam da se divim tom stavu.
14:26
There was still fire bubbling through his veins,
315
854890
3403
Još je bilo vatre koja je ključala
kroz njegove vene,
kroz njegove vene,
14:30
even though he was 82 years old.
316
858293
3617
iako je imao 82 godine.
14:33
And if it meant that we would now return
317
861910
2562
Ako je to značilo da ćemo se sada vratiti
14:36
to 30 years of silence,
318
864472
3231
na 30 godina tišine,
14:39
my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
319
867703
5960
moj otac bi rekao:
"Ako je tako, onda je tako."
"Ako je tako, onda je tako."
14:45
Jamaicans will tell you that
there's no such thing as facts,
there's no such thing as facts,
320
873663
3192
Jamajčani će vam reći da nema činjenica,
14:48
there are only versions.
321
876855
2025
ima samo verzija.
14:50
We all tell ourselves the versions of the story
322
878880
2481
Svi mi govorimo sebi verzije priče
14:53
that we can best live with.
323
881361
2855
sa kojom najbolje možemo da živimo.
14:56
Each generation builds up an edifice
324
884216
2527
Svaka generacija gradi strukturu
14:58
which they are reluctant or sometimes unable
325
886743
2067
koju nevoljno ruše
ili nisu u stanju da to učine
ili nisu u stanju da to učine
15:00
to disassemble,
326
888810
2308
15:03
but in the writing, my version of the story
327
891118
3646
ali u knjizi, moja verzija priče
15:06
began to change,
328
894764
2068
počela je da se menja,
15:08
and it was detached from me.
329
896832
3994
i odvojila se od mene.
15:12
I lost my hatred of my father.
330
900826
2929
Izgubio sam mržnju prema svom ocu.
15:15
I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,
331
903755
4484
Nisam više želeo da umre
ili da ga ubijem,
ili da ga ubijem,
15:20
and I felt free,
332
908239
4244
i osetio sam se slobodno,
15:24
much freer than I'd ever felt before.
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mnogo slobodnije
nego što sam se ikada ranije osećao.
nego što sam se ikada ranije osećao.
15:29
And I wonder whether that freedness
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I pitam se da li se ta sloboda
15:31
could be transferred to him.
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može preneti na njega.
15:36
In that initial reunion,
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Pri tom prvom susretu,
15:40
I was struck by an idea that I had
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bio sam iznenađen idejom da sam imao
15:42
very few photographs of myself
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veoma malo svojih fotografija
15:46
as a young child.
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kao malog deteta.
15:48
This is a photograph of me,
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Ovo je moja fotografija
15:50
nine months old.
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sa devet meseci.
15:53
In the original photograph,
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Na originalnoj fotografiji,
15:55
I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,
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drži me moj otac, Podočnjak,
15:58
but when my parents separated, my mother
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ali kada su se moji roditelji razdvojili,
moja majka ga je izrezala
iz svih aspekata naših života.
iz svih aspekata naših života.
16:00
excised him from all aspects of our lives.
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16:03
She took a pair of scissors and cut
him out of every photograph,
him out of every photograph,
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Uzela je makaze
i odsekla ga sa svake fotografije,
i odsekla ga sa svake fotografije,
16:07
and for years, I told myself
the truth of this photograph
the truth of this photograph
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i godinama sam govorio sebi
da je istina ovih fotografija
da je istina ovih fotografija
16:10
was that you are alone,
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da si sam,
16:13
you are unsupported.
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bez podrške.
Ali postoji drugi način
sagledavanja ove fotografije.
sagledavanja ove fotografije.
16:16
But there's another way of looking at this photograph.
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16:18
This is a photograph that has the potential
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Ovo je fotografija koja ima potencijal
16:21
for a reunion,
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ponovnog ujedinjenja,
16:23
a potential to be reunited with my father,
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potencijal da se ponovo sretnem
sa svojim ocem,
sa svojim ocem,
16:26
and in my yearning to be held up by my father,
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i u mojoj žudnji da me drži otac,
16:30
I held him up to the light.
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ja ga podižem ka svetlosti.
16:33
In that first reunion,
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Pri tom prvom susretu,
16:36
it was very awkward and tense moments,
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bilo je vrlo neprijatnih
i napetih trenutaka,
i napetih trenutaka,
16:38
and to lessen the tension,
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i da bismo umanjili napetost,
16:39
we decided to go for a walk.
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odlučili smo da prošetamo.
16:43
And as we walked, I was struck
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Dok smo šetali, bio sam zapanjen
16:45
that I had reverted to being the child
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da sam ponovo postao dete
16:47
even though I was now towering above my father.
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iako sam se sada uzdizao
nad svojim ocem.
nad svojim ocem.
16:50
I was almost a foot taller than my father.
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Bio sam skoro za glavu viši od svog oca.
16:53
He was still the big man,
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On je još uvek bio veliki čovek,
16:55
and I tried to match his step.
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i pokušao sam
da se uskladim sa njegovim korakom.
da se uskladim sa njegovim korakom.
17:00
And I realized that he was walking
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I shvatio sam da je hodao
17:02
as if he was still under observation,
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kao da je još uvek pod prismotrom,
17:04
but I admired his walk.
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ali sam se divio njegovom hodu.
17:07
He walked like a man
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Hodao je kao čovek
17:10
on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final
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na strani koja gubi u finalu FA kupa
17:13
mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.
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podešavajući korake da preuzme
svoju medalju sažaljenja.
svoju medalju sažaljenja.
17:16
There was dignity in defeat.
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Postojalo je dostojanstvo u porazu.
17:20
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
(Aplauz)
17:22
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Colin Grant - Author, historianColin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.
Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speakerGrant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com