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Colin Grant: How our stories cross over
Colin Grant: Sin zahtjevnog oca
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Colin Grant proveo je cijeli život u potrazi za emocionalnom ravnotežom između očeva svijeta i vlastitog. Rođen je u Engleskoj, a jamajčanskog je podrijetla. U ovom govoru Grant priča o iskustvima koji su zajednički svim članovima njegove imigracijske zajednice te se osvrće na to kako je smogao snage oprostiti ocu koji ga je odbacio.
Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
This is a photograph
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Ovo je fotografija
00:14
of a man whom for many years
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čovjeka čije sam ubojstvo
00:17
I plotted to kill.
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godinama planirao.
00:21
This is my father,
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To je moj otac.
00:24
Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.
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Clinton George "Podočnjak" Grant.
00:27
He's called Bageye because he has
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Zovu ga "Podočnjak" jer ima
00:30
permanent bags under his eyes.
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trajne vrećice ispod očiju.
00:34
As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,
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Kao desetogodišnjak,
s braćom i sestrama,
s braćom i sestrama,
00:37
I dreamt of scraping off the poison
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maštao sam kako ću mu ubaciti
00:41
from fly-killer paper into his coffee,
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otrov za muhe u kavu,
00:45
grounded down glass and sprinkling it
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samljeti ga čašom
00:47
over his breakfast,
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i posuti mu ga po doručku.
00:50
loosening the carpet on the stairs
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Kako ću olabaviti tepih
00:51
so he would trip and break his neck.
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na stepenicama
da se spotakne i slomi vrat.
da se spotakne i slomi vrat.
00:55
But come the day, he would always
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Ali kad bi došao dan D, on bi
00:57
skip that loose step,
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svaki put preskočio tu stepenicu,
00:59
he would always bow out of the house
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izletio iz kuće
01:01
without so much as a swig of coffee
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bez gutljaja kave
01:03
or a bite to eat.
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ili komadića doručka.
01:05
And so for many years,
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Tolikih godina
01:07
I feared that my father would die
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strahovao sam da će umrijeti
01:09
before I had a chance to kill him.
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prije no što ga stignem ubiti.
01:11
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:15
Up until our mother asked him to leave
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Sve dok mu majka nije rekla da ode
01:18
and not come back,
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i da se ne vraća,
01:20
Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.
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Podočnjak je bio zastrašujuća zvijer.
01:24
He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,
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Uvijek je bio na rubu bijesa,
01:28
rather like me, as you see.
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poput mene, kao što možete vidjeti.
01:31
He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton
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Radio je noću u Vauxhall Motorsu u Lutonu
01:35
and demanded total silence throughout the house,
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i zahtijevao potpunu tišinu u kući,
01:38
so that when we came home from school
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pa kad bismo došli kući iz škole
01:40
at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle
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u 15:30, sklupčali bismo se
01:42
beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,
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pokraj TV-a
01:46
we would twiddle with the volume control knob
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i toliko stišali ton na TV-u
01:48
on the TV so it was almost inaudible.
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da ga je bilo gotovo nemoguće čuti.
01:51
And at times, when we were like this,
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Ponekad kad bismo to radili,
01:53
so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
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toliko smo govorili "šššš",
toliko je "šššš-ova"
toliko je "šššš-ova"
01:56
going on in the house
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prolazilo kućom
01:58
that I imagined us to be like
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da sam nas zamišljao poput
02:00
the German crew of a U-boat
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posade njemačke podmornice
02:03
creeping along the edge of the ocean
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koja se šulja rubom oceana
02:06
whilst up above, on the surface,
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dok na površini
02:07
HMS Bageye patrolled
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patrolira HMS Podočnjak,
02:11
ready to drop death charges
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spreman osuditi nas na smrt
02:13
at the first sound of any disturbance.
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i za najmanji nemir.
02:17
So that lesson was the lesson that
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Iz toga sam naučio ovo:
"Ne privlači pozornost na sebe
02:20
"Do not draw attention to yourself
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02:22
either in the home or outside of the home."
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ni kod kuće ni izvan nje."
02:24
Maybe it's a migrant lesson.
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Možda je to migrantska lekcija.
02:27
We were to be below the radar,
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Nikad se nije znalo za nas,
02:30
so there was no communication, really,
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pa nije bilo komunikacije
02:31
between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,
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između Podočnjaka i nas,
nas i Podočnjaka,
nas i Podočnjaka,
02:34
and the sound that we most looked forward to,
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a zvuk kojemu se većina radovala,
02:37
you know when you're a child and you want
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znate kad ste kao djeca jedva čekali
02:39
your father to come home
and it's all going to be happy
and it's all going to be happy
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da se tata vrati kući i sve će biti super
02:42
and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.
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i čekate zvuk otvaranja vrata.
02:44
Well the sound that we looked forward to
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Mi smo se radovali
02:45
was the click of the door closing,
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zvuku zatvaranja vrata
02:47
which meant he'd gone and would not come back.
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koji je značio da je otišao
i da se ne vraća.
i da se ne vraća.
02:52
So for three decades,
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Tri desetljeća
02:55
I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.
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nikad nisam pogledao oca, a ni on mene.
02:58
We never spoke to each other for three decades,
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Nismo razgovarali tri desetljeća,
03:00
and then a couple of years ago, I decided
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a onda prije nekoliko godina odlučih
03:02
to turn the spotlight on him.
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na njega usmjeriti pozornost.
03:06
"You are being watched.
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"Gledaju te.
03:08
Actually, you are.
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Uistinu.
03:10
You are being watched."
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Gledaju te."
03:12
That was his mantra to us, his children.
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To je on govorio nama, svojoj djeci.
03:15
Time and time again he would say this to us.
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Stalno je to govorio.
03:16
And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,
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To je bilo 70-ih, u Lutonu
03:19
where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,
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gdje je radio u Vauxhall Motorsima
03:21
and he was a Jamaican.
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i bio je Jamajčanin.
03:23
And what he meant was,
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A pod tim je mislio
03:24
you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant
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da te kao dijete jamajčanskog imigranta
03:26
are being watched
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netko gleda
03:28
to see which way you turn, to see whether
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da vidi kako ćeš ispasti,
03:30
you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,
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kako utjelovljuješ stereotipe,
03:34
of being feckless, work-shy,
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kako si nemaran i lijen,
03:36
destined for a life of crime.
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predodređen za život kriminalca.
03:39
You are being watched,
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Gledaju te,
03:41
so confound their expectations of you.
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pa ih potpuno zbuni.
03:45
To that end, Bageye and his friends,
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Zbog toga su Podočnjak
i njegovi prijatelji,
i njegovi prijatelji,
03:49
mostly Jamaican,
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uglavnom Jamajčani,
03:51
exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:
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živjeli po onoj jamajčanskoj:
03:55
Turn your best side to the world,
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Pokaži svoju najbolju stranu svijetu,
03:57
show your best face to the world.
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svoje najbolje lice.
04:00
If you have seen some of the images
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Ako ste vidjeli neke slike
04:01
of the Caribbean people arriving
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doseljenja Karibijaca
04:03
in the '40s and '50s,
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40-ih i 50-ih,
04:05
you might have noticed that a lot of the men
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možda ste uočili da
04:07
wear trilbies.
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puno muškaraca nosi šešire.
04:08
Now, there was no tradition
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
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Takva tradicija nije
postojala na Jamajci.
postojala na Jamajci.
04:12
They invented that tradition for their arrival here.
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Izmislili su je po dolasku.
04:15
They wanted to project themselves in a way
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Htjeli su se zaštititi na način
04:17
that they wanted to be perceived,
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da budu opaženi,
04:19
so that the way they looked
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pa ih je izgled
04:21
and the names that they gave themselves
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i imena koja su davali sami sebi
04:23
defined them.
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definirali.
04:25
So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.
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Podočnjak je ćelav
i podočnjaci mu vise.
i podočnjaci mu vise.
04:31
Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.
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"Uredne čizme" izbirljiv je oko obuće.
04:35
Anxious is always anxious.
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"Anksiozni" je uvijek nervozan.
04:37
Clock has one arm longer than the other.
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"Sat" ima jednu dužu i jednu kraću ruku.
04:40
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
04:44
And my all-time favorite was the
guy they called Summerwear.
guy they called Summerwear.
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I moj najdraži - "Ljetna Odjeća".
04:47
When Summerwear came to this country
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Kad se gosp. Ljetna Odjeća doselio
04:49
from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted
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s Jamajke ranih 60-ih,
04:51
on wearing light summer suits,
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uporno je nosio lagana ljetna odijela,
04:53
no matter the weather,
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bez obzira na vremenske prilike.
04:55
and in the course of researching their lives,
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Istražujući njihove živote,
04:56
I asked my mom, "Whatever
became of Summerwear?"
became of Summerwear?"
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pitao sam mamu:
"Što je bilo s Ljetnom Odjećom?"
"Što je bilo s Ljetnom Odjećom?"
04:59
And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)
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Rekla je: "Prehladio se i umro."
(Smijeh)
(Smijeh)
05:04
But men like Summerwear
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Ali ljudi poput Ljetne Odjeće
05:06
taught us the importance of style.
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uče nas o važnosti stila.
05:08
Maybe they exaggerated their style
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Možda je njihov stil bio pretjeran
05:10
because they thought that they were not considered
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jer su mislili da ih drugi ne smatraju
05:13
to be quite civilized,
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civiliziranima,
05:15
and they transferred that generational attitude
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pa su prenijeli taj generacijski stav
05:18
or anxiety onto us, the next generation,
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ili anksioznost na nas,
sljedeću generaciju
sljedeću generaciju
05:20
so much so that when I was growing up,
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toliko da dok sam odrastao,
05:23
if ever on the television news or radio
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ako bi se na TV-u,
u novinama ili na radiju
u novinama ili na radiju
05:25
a report came up about a black person
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pojavila reportaža o crncima
05:26
committing some crime —
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koji počinjavaju zločine --
05:28
a mugging, a murder, a burglary —
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pljačke, ubojstva, provale --
05:32
we winced along with our parents,
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zgrozili bismo se zajedno s roditeljima
05:35
because they were letting the side down.
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jer su ti ljudi ocrnjavali sve nas.
05:38
You did not just represent yourself.
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Ne predstavljaš samo sebe.
05:39
You represented the group,
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Predstavljaš cijelu skupinu,
05:41
and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,
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a bilo se užasno teško pomiriti
05:46
in a way, that maybe you were going
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s tim da će te možda
05:48
to be perceived in the same light.
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promatrati na isti način.
05:52
So that was what needed to be challenged.
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To se trebalo promijeniti.
05:56
Our father and many of his colleagues
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Naš otac i mnoge njegove kolege
06:00
exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.
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utjelovljavali su prijenos bez primanja.
06:04
They were built to transmit but not receive.
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Stvoreni su da prenose, a ne primaju.
06:06
We were to keep quiet.
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Morali smo biti tiho.
06:09
When our father did speak to us,
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Kad nam je otac govorio,
06:10
it was from the pulpit of his mind.
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bilo je to s propovjedaonice njegova uma.
06:13
They clung to certainty in the belief
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Držali su se vjerovanja
06:15
that doubt would undermine them.
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da će ih sumnja potkopati.
06:19
But when I am working in my house
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Ali kad ja radim kod kuće
06:22
and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs
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i kad nakon cjelodnevnog pisanja
pohrlim niz stepenice
pohrlim niz stepenice
06:26
and I'm very excited to talk about
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
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i jedva čekam razgovarati
o Marcusu Garveyu ili Bobu Marleyu
o Marcusu Garveyu ili Bobu Marleyu
06:29
and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies
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i riječi lete iz mojih usta poput leptira
06:32
and I'm so excited that my children stop me,
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i toliko sam uzbuđen
da me djeca zaustave
da me djeca zaustave
06:35
and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."
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i kažu:
"Tata, to nikog ne zanima."
"Tata, to nikog ne zanima."
06:38
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
06:42
But they do care, actually.
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Ali zapravo ih zanima.
06:44
They cross over.
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Prijeđu.
06:46
Somehow they find their way to you.
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Nekako nađu put do vas.
06:48
They shape their lives according
to the narrative of your life,
to the narrative of your life,
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Oblikuju svoje živote
po uzoru na priču vašeg života,
po uzoru na priču vašeg života,
06:52
as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,
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kao što sam ja vjerojatno oblikovao
svoj život po uzoru na moje roditelje.
svoj život po uzoru na moje roditelje.
06:56
and maybe Bageye did with his father.
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a možda je i Podočnjak
učinio isto sa svojim ocem.
učinio isto sa svojim ocem.
06:59
And that was clearer to me
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Tako mi je bilo jednostavnije
07:00
in the course of looking at his life
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gledati na njegov život
07:03
and understanding, as they say,
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i shvaćati, kao što
07:06
the Native Americans say,
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Indijanci kažu:
07:08
"Do not criticize the man until you can walk
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"Ne kritiziraj nikoga dok ne prošetaš
07:09
in his moccasins."
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u njegovim mokasinkama."
07:12
But in conjuring his life, it was okay
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Ali zamišljajući njegov život,
bilo je prihvatljivo
bilo je prihvatljivo
07:14
and very straightforward to portray
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i sasvim jasno zamisliti
07:18
a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s
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karipski način života
u Engleskoj 70-ih godina
u Engleskoj 70-ih godina
07:21
with bowls of plastic fruit,
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sa zdjelama plastičnog voća,
07:26
polystyrene ceiling tiles,
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tapetama,
07:29
settees permanently sheathed
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divanima trajno prekrivenim
07:31
in their transparent covers
that they were delivered in.
that they were delivered in.
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prozirnom folijom
u kojoj su bili i dostavljeni.
u kojoj su bili i dostavljeni.
07:34
But what's more difficult to navigate
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Ali teže je zamisliti
07:36
is the emotional landscape
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emocionalnu raznolikost
07:38
between the generations,
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između generacija,
07:40
and the old adage that with age comes wisdom
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ali izreka da mudrost dolazi s godinama
07:45
is not true.
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nije istinita.
07:47
With age comes the veneer of respectability
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S godinama dolazi tanak sloj poštovanja
07:50
and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.
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i sloj neugodnih istina.
07:53
But what was true was that my parents,
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Ali istina je da moji roditelji,
07:56
my mother, and my father went along with it,
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moja majka, a otac se s time složio,
07:59
did not trust the state to educate me.
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nisu htjeli državi
povjeriti moje školovanje.
povjeriti moje školovanje.
08:01
So listen to how I sound.
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Slušajte kako govorim.
08:04
They determined that they would
send me to a private school,
send me to a private school,
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Odlučili su me poslati u privatnu školu,
08:08
but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.
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no otac je radio u Vauxhall Motorsu.
08:10
It's quite difficult to fund a private school education
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Teško je plaćati privatnu školu
08:14
and feed his army of children.
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i hraniti vojsku djece.
08:16
I remember going on to the school
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1984
Sjećam se kad sam išao u školu
08:18
for the entrance exam, and my father said
181
486856
2124
na prijamni ispit i otac je rekao
08:20
to the priest — it was a Catholic school —
182
488980
3600
svećeniku - bila je to katolička škola -
08:24
he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,
183
492580
4227
da želi bolju "Hedukaciju" za momka,
08:28
but also, he, my father,
184
496807
2928
ali on, moj otac,
08:31
never even managed to pass worms,
185
499735
2640
nije se uspio riješiti ni crva,
08:34
never mind entrance exams.
186
502375
2620
a kamoli prijamnih ispita.
08:36
But in order to fund my education,
187
504995
1945
Ali kako bi plaćao moje školovanje,
08:38
he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,
188
506940
2723
planirao se baviti mutnim poslovima,
08:41
so my father would fund my education
189
509663
3102
pa bi to radio
08:44
by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,
190
512765
3604
preprodajom ilegalnih dobara
iz prtljažnika automobila,
iz prtljažnika automobila,
08:48
and that was made even more tricky because
191
516369
1432
a to je bilo još zeznutije
08:49
my father, that's not his car by the way.
192
517801
2160
zato što moj otac,
usput ovo nije njegov auto.
usput ovo nije njegov auto.
08:51
My father aspired to have a car like that,
193
519961
1808
Htio je imati takav automobil,
08:53
but my father had a beaten-up Mini,
194
521769
2076
ali imao je izubijani Mini
08:55
and he never, being a
Jamaican coming to this country,
Jamaican coming to this country,
195
523845
4498
i, kako je bio Jamajčanin
pri dolasku u ovu zemlju,
pri dolasku u ovu zemlju,
09:00
he never had a driving license,
196
528343
2353
nije imao ni vozačku dozvolu,
09:02
he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.
197
530696
3564
nikakvo osiguranje, nije plaćao
cestovne poreze ili poreze na gorivo.
cestovne poreze ili poreze na gorivo.
09:06
He thought, "I know how to drive;
198
534260
1939
Mislio je: "Znam voziti;
09:08
why do I need the state's validation?"
199
536199
3080
što će mi potvrda države?"
09:11
But it became a little tricky when
we were stopped by the police,
we were stopped by the police,
200
539279
2232
Ali malo se zakompliciralo
kad nas je zaustavila policija,
kad nas je zaustavila policija,
09:13
and we were stopped a lot by the police,
201
541511
2213
a to se često događalo,
09:15
and I was impressed by the way
202
543724
1217
i bio sam impresioniran
09:16
that my father dealt with the police.
203
544941
1899
načinom na koji se on nosio s njima.
09:18
He would promote the policeman immediately,
204
546840
2808
Odmah bi promaknuo policajca,
09:21
so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs
205
549648
4087
pa bi policajac Bloggs postao
detektiv inspektor Bloggs
detektiv inspektor Bloggs
09:25
in the course of the conversation
206
553735
1184
tijekom razgovora
09:26
and wave us on merrily.
207
554919
1984
i veselo bi nas propustio.
09:28
So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica
208
556903
1868
Moj je otac radio ono što mi na Jamajci
09:30
called "playing fool to catch wise."
209
558771
4182
zovemo "praviti se nevješt".
09:34
But it lent also an idea
210
562953
3369
Ali činilo se
09:38
that actually he was being diminished
211
566322
1806
kao da policajac
09:40
or belittled by the policeman —
212
568128
2304
umanjuje njegov značaj -
09:42
as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —
213
570432
1817
to sam vidio kao desetogodišnjak -
09:44
but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.
214
572249
2571
ali postojala je i ambivalencija
prema autoritetu.
prema autoritetu.
09:46
So on the one hand, there was
215
574820
1645
U jednu mu se ruku
09:48
a mocking of authority,
216
576465
1627
rugao,
09:50
but on the other hand, there was a deference
217
578092
2316
ali ga je s druge strane
09:52
towards authority,
218
580408
1821
poštovao,
09:54
and these Caribbean people
219
582229
1955
a ovi Karibijci
09:56
had an overbearing obedience towards authority,
220
584184
4137
pokazivali su snažnu poslušnost
prema autoritetu
prema autoritetu
10:00
which is very striking, very strange in a way,
221
588321
2208
koja je bila jako upečatljiva, neobična
10:02
because migrants are very courageous people.
222
590529
3104
jer su migranti jako hrabri ljudi -
10:05
They leave their homes. My father and my mother
223
593633
2760
oni napuštaju svoje domove.
Moj otac i majka
Moj otac i majka
10:08
left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,
224
596393
3927
napustili su Jamajku
i prešli 6.500 km,
i prešli 6.500 km,
10:12
and yet they were infantilized by travel.
225
600320
3824
a to ih je putovanje podjetinjilo.
10:16
They were timid,
226
604144
1768
Postali su plašljivi
10:17
and somewhere along the line,
227
605912
1449
i negdje usput
10:19
the natural order was reversed.
228
607361
1841
prirodni je poredak poremećen.
10:21
The children became the parents to the parent.
229
609202
3487
Djeca su roditeljima postala roditelji.
10:26
The Caribbean people came to
this country with a five-year plan:
this country with a five-year plan:
230
614646
2497
Karibijci su ovdje stigli
s petogodišnjim planom:
s petogodišnjim planom:
10:29
they would work, some money, and then go back,
231
617143
1999
zaradit će malo novca i vratiti se,
10:31
but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,
232
619142
2823
ali pet godina postane 10,
10 postane 15
10 postane 15
10:33
and before you know it,
you're changing the wallpaper,
you're changing the wallpaper,
233
621965
2345
i niste se ni snašli,
a već mijenjate tapete,
a već mijenjate tapete,
10:36
and at that point, you know you're here to stay.
234
624310
3632
a onda već znate da ćete tu i ostati.
10:39
Although there's still the kind of temporariness
235
627942
2464
Iako su roditelji još uvijek imali
10:42
that our parents felt about being here,
236
630406
2447
osjećaj privremenosti,
10:44
but we children knew that the game was up.
237
632853
4187
mi djeca znali smo da je to za trajno.
10:49
I think there was a feeling that
238
637040
2758
Mislim da su se osjećali
10:51
they would not be able to continue with the ideals
239
639798
5350
kao da ne bi mogli nastaviti
10:57
of the life that they expected.
240
645148
2007
s idealima očekivanog života.
10:59
The reality was very much different.
241
647155
1982
Stvarnost se znatno razlikovala.
11:01
And also, that was true of the reality
242
649137
2074
To je posebno istinito za stvarnost
11:03
of trying to educate me.
243
651211
1418
mog pokušaja obrazovanja.
11:04
Having started the process,
my father did not continue.
my father did not continue.
244
652629
4062
Otac je započeo proces,
no nije ga nastavio.
no nije ga nastavio.
11:08
It was left to my mother to educate me,
245
656691
2728
Mojoj je majci dopalo da me obrazuje
11:11
and as George Lamming would say,
246
659419
2721
i kako bi George Lamming rekao,
11:14
it was my mother who fathered me.
247
662140
3779
majka mi je bila otac.
11:17
Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:
248
665919
2342
I dok ga nije bilo, misao je ostala:
11:20
You are being watched.
249
668261
1687
Gledaju te.
11:21
But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,
250
669948
3202
Ali takvo strastveno nadgledanje može
uzrokovati anksioznost.
uzrokovati anksioznost.
11:25
so much so that years later, when I was investigating
251
673150
2249
Nekoliko godina kasnije kad sam istraživao
11:27
why so many young black men
252
675399
1314
zašto toliki mladi crnci
11:28
were diagnosed with schizophrenia,
253
676713
2131
imaju dijagnosticiranu šizofreniju
11:30
six times more than they ought to be,
254
678844
2507
šest puta više nego što je to očekivano,
11:33
I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,
255
681351
3272
nije me iznenadila izjava psihijatra:
11:36
"Black people are schooled in paranoia."
256
684623
4458
"Crnci su naučeni na paranoju."
11:41
And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.
257
689081
3871
Baš me zanima što bi
Podočnjak rekao na to.
Podočnjak rekao na to.
11:44
Now I also had a 10-year-old son,
258
692952
2527
Kad sam i sam imao
desetogodišnjeg sina,
desetogodišnjeg sina,
11:47
and turned my attention to Bageye
259
695479
2849
usredotočio sam se na Podočnjaka
11:50
and I went in search of him.
260
698328
1376
i krenuo ga tražiti.
11:51
He was back in Luton, he was now 82,
261
699704
3602
Vratio se u Luton, imao je 82 g.,
11:55
and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,
262
703306
3640
nisam ga vidio trideset i nešto godina
11:58
and when he opened the door,
263
706946
1598
i kad je otvorio vrata,
12:00
I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,
264
708544
3904
vidio sam malenog čovjeka vedrog pogleda,
12:04
and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.
265
712448
2343
smiješio se,
nikad ga nisam vidio takvog.
nikad ga nisam vidio takvog.
12:06
I was very disconcerted by that.
266
714791
3048
To me jako zbunilo.
12:09
But we sat down, and he had
a Caribbean friend with him,
a Caribbean friend with him,
267
717839
3061
Sjeli smo, s njim je bio
prijatelj Karibijac,
prijatelj Karibijac,
12:12
talking some old time talk,
268
720900
2555
pričali su stare priče
12:15
and my father would look at me,
269
723455
2474
i otac me pogledavao,
12:17
and he looked at me as if I would
270
725929
1654
gledao me kao da bih mogao
12:19
miraculously disappear as I had arisen.
271
727583
3644
nestati jednako čudnovato
kao što sam se tu i stvorio.
kao što sam se tu i stvorio.
12:23
And he turned to his friend, and he said,
272
731227
2236
Okrenuo se svome prijatelju
i rekao mu:
i rekao mu:
12:25
"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,
273
733463
2960
"Ovaj momak i ja
imamo duboku povezanost,
imamo duboku povezanost,
12:28
deep, deep connection."
274
736423
2960
jako duboku povezanost."
Ali ja je nikad nisam osjećao.
12:31
But I never felt that connection.
275
739383
1397
12:32
If there was a pulse, it was very weak
276
740780
2779
Ako je postojao puls, bio je jako slab
12:35
or hardly at all.
277
743559
2824
ili jedva da je postojao.
12:38
And I almost felt in the course of that reunion
278
746383
1840
U tom ponovnom okupljanju,
12:40
that I was auditioning to be my father's son.
279
748223
4617
osjećao sam se kao na audiciji za sina.
12:44
When the book came out,
280
752840
1992
Kad je knjiga izašla, imala je
12:46
it had fair reviews in the national papers,
281
754832
1736
solidne kritike u državnim novinama,
12:48
but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,
282
756568
3272
ali u Lutonu se ne čita The Guardian,
12:51
it's the Luton News,
283
759840
2287
već Luton News,
12:54
and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,
284
762127
3776
a u Luton Newsu
knjiga je dobila naslovnicu:
knjiga je dobila naslovnicu:
12:57
"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."
285
765903
5219
"Knjiga koja bi mogla zaliječiti
32-ogodišnji jaz."
32-ogodišnji jaz."
13:03
And I understood that could also represent
286
771122
3312
Shvatio sam da to
također može predstavljati
također može predstavljati
13:06
the rift between one generation and the next,
287
774434
1903
međugeneracijski jaz,
13:08
between people like me and my father's generation,
288
776337
4004
između ljudi poput mene
i očeve generacije,
i očeve generacije,
13:12
but there's no tradition in Caribbean life
289
780341
2248
ali nema tradicije u karibijskom životu
13:14
of memoirs or biographies.
290
782589
2104
memoara ili biografija.
13:16
It was a tradition that you didn't
chat about your business in public.
chat about your business in public.
291
784693
4084
Tradicija je glasila: ne čavrljaj
o svojim poslovima u javnosti.
o svojim poslovima u javnosti.
13:20
But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,
292
788777
4656
No sviđao mi se taj naslov i pomislih: da,
13:25
there is a possibility that this
293
793433
1896
postoji mogućnost da će ovo
13:27
will open up conversations
that we'd never had before.
that we'd never had before.
294
795329
4193
pokrenuti razgovore
koje dotad nismo vodili.
koje dotad nismo vodili.
13:31
This will close the generation gap, perhaps.
295
799522
4204
Ovo će zatvoriti generacijski jaz, možda.
13:35
This could be an instrument of repair.
296
803726
2527
Ovo će biti sredstvo popravka.
13:38
And I even began to feel that this book
297
806253
2401
Počeo sam misliti da bi
13:40
may be perceived by my father
298
808654
2888
moj otac ovu knjigu mogao vidjeti
13:43
as an act of filial devotion.
299
811542
4176
kao odraz sinovljeve odanosti.
13:47
Poor, deluded fool.
300
815718
3735
Jadna, zaluđena budala.
13:51
Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be
301
819453
4041
Podočnjaka je zaboljelo
ono što je smatrao
ono što je smatrao
13:55
the public airing of his shortcomings.
302
823494
2859
javnim prikazom svojih nedostataka.
13:58
He was stung by my betrayal,
303
826353
2901
Zaboljela ga je izdaja,
14:01
and he went to the newspapers the next day
304
829254
2072
pa je sljedeći dan otišao do novina
14:03
and demanded a right of reply,
305
831326
1184
i tražio pravo replike
14:04
and he got it with the headline
306
832510
2232
koju je dobio naslovnicom:
14:06
"Bageye Bites Back."
307
834742
3160
"Podočnjak uzvraća udarac."
14:09
And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.
308
837902
2968
Bio je to blistav prikaz moje izdaje.
14:12
I was no son of his.
309
840870
2878
Nisam bio njegov sin.
14:15
He recognized in his mind that his colors
310
843748
2081
U njegovom su umu
njegove boje bile
njegove boje bile
14:17
had been dragged through the
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
311
845829
2368
okaljane, a on to nije mogao dozvoliti.
14:20
He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,
312
848197
2585
Morao je povratiti svoje dostojanstvo
i to je i učinio.
i to je i učinio.
14:22
and initially, although I was disappointed,
313
850782
2428
U početku, iako sam bio razočaran,
14:25
I grew to admire that stance.
314
853210
1680
divio sam se njegovom stavu.
14:26
There was still fire bubbling through his veins,
315
854890
3403
Još je bilo života u njemu,
14:30
even though he was 82 years old.
316
858293
3617
iako su mu bile 82 godine.
14:33
And if it meant that we would now return
317
861910
2562
Ako je to značilo da ćemo se sada vratiti
14:36
to 30 years of silence,
318
864472
3231
na trideset godina šutnje,
14:39
my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
319
867703
5960
moj bi otac rekao:
"Ako tako mora biti, neka bude tako."
"Ako tako mora biti, neka bude tako."
14:45
Jamaicans will tell you that
there's no such thing as facts,
there's no such thing as facts,
320
873663
3192
Jamajčani će vam reći
da ne postoje činjenice,
da ne postoje činjenice,
14:48
there are only versions.
321
876855
2025
postoje samo verzije.
14:50
We all tell ourselves the versions of the story
322
878880
2481
Svi si mi pričamo verzije priče
14:53
that we can best live with.
323
881361
2855
s kojom najlakše možemo živjeti.
14:56
Each generation builds up an edifice
324
884216
2527
Svaka generacija gradi zdanje
14:58
which they are reluctant or sometimes unable
325
886743
2067
koje nekad ne žele,
a nekad ne mogu
a nekad ne mogu
15:00
to disassemble,
326
888810
2308
srušiti,
15:03
but in the writing, my version of the story
327
891118
3646
ali kako sam pisao, moja se verzija priče
15:06
began to change,
328
894764
2068
počela mijenjati
15:08
and it was detached from me.
329
896832
3994
i bila je odvojena od mene.
15:12
I lost my hatred of my father.
330
900826
2929
Prestao sam mrziti oca.
15:15
I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,
331
903755
4484
Više nisam htio da umre ili ubiti ga,
15:20
and I felt free,
332
908239
4244
osjećao sam se slobodno,
15:24
much freer than I'd ever felt before.
333
912483
4864
puno slobodnije nego ikad prije.
15:29
And I wonder whether that freedness
334
917347
1880
I pitam se može li se ta sloboda
15:31
could be transferred to him.
335
919227
2915
prenijeti na njega.
15:36
In that initial reunion,
336
924218
4352
U tom početnom ponovnom ujedinjenju,
15:40
I was struck by an idea that I had
337
928570
2376
shvatio sam da imam
15:42
very few photographs of myself
338
930946
3444
vrlo malo fotografija sebe
15:46
as a young child.
339
934390
2374
kao djeteta.
15:48
This is a photograph of me,
340
936764
2190
Ovo je jedna moja fotografija,
15:50
nine months old.
341
938954
2317
imao sam devet mjeseci.
15:53
In the original photograph,
342
941271
1922
U originalnoj fotografiji
15:55
I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,
343
943193
2953
drži me otac, Podočnjak,
15:58
but when my parents separated, my mother
344
946146
2244
ali kad su se moji rastali, mama ga je
16:00
excised him from all aspects of our lives.
345
948390
2770
uklonila iz svih aspekata naših života.
16:03
She took a pair of scissors and cut
him out of every photograph,
him out of every photograph,
346
951160
4064
Uzela je škarice i izrezala ga
iz svake fotografije
iz svake fotografije
16:07
and for years, I told myself
the truth of this photograph
the truth of this photograph
347
955224
3542
i godinama sam si govorio da je
istina koja se krije u ovoj fotografiji
istina koja se krije u ovoj fotografiji
16:10
was that you are alone,
348
958766
3004
ta da si sam,
16:13
you are unsupported.
349
961770
2800
ne možeš se osloniti ni na koga.
16:16
But there's another way of looking at this photograph.
350
964570
2272
No možemo je promatrati i na drugi način.
16:18
This is a photograph that has the potential
351
966842
2576
Ovo je fotografija koja može omogućiti
16:21
for a reunion,
352
969418
2504
ponovno ujedinjenje,
16:23
a potential to be reunited with my father,
353
971922
2788
ponovno ujedinjenje s ocem,
16:26
and in my yearning to be held up by my father,
354
974710
4064
a u svojoj želji da me drži otac,
16:30
I held him up to the light.
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držao sam ga uz svjetlo.
16:33
In that first reunion,
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U tom prvom ujedinjenju,
16:36
it was very awkward and tense moments,
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bilo je jako neugodnih i napetih trenutaka
16:38
and to lessen the tension,
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i kako bismo ih umanjili,
16:39
we decided to go for a walk.
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odlučili smo prošetati.
16:43
And as we walked, I was struck
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Kako smo šetali, shvatio sam
16:45
that I had reverted to being the child
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da sam se vratio ulozi djeteta
16:47
even though I was now towering above my father.
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iako sam sada puno viši od oca.
16:50
I was almost a foot taller than my father.
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Bio sam od njega viši skoro 30 cm.
16:53
He was still the big man,
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On je još uvijek bio krupan čovjek,
16:55
and I tried to match his step.
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pokušavao sam ga pratiti korakom.
17:00
And I realized that he was walking
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Shvatio sam da hoda
17:02
as if he was still under observation,
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kao da ga se još uvijek nadgleda,
17:04
but I admired his walk.
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ali divio sam se njegovu hodu.
17:07
He walked like a man
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Hodao je poput čovjeka
17:10
on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final
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gubitničke ekipe u finalu FA kupa,
17:13
mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.
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koji se penje po stepenicama po svoju
utješnu medalju.
utješnu medalju.
17:16
There was dignity in defeat.
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Bilo je dostojanstva u tom porazu.
17:20
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
(Pljesak)
17:22
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Colin Grant - Author, historianColin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.
Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speakerGrant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com