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Colin Grant: How our stories cross over
科林·格兰特: 难以相处的父亲
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科林·格兰特花了一生的时间在他与父亲的感情世界间探索。格兰特在英国出生，有一对牙买加父母，他描述了他的移民团体间共有的经历——并且从中反映出了他是如何宽恕了那位曾经排斥他的父亲。
Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
This is a photograph
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这是一张照片
00:14
of a man whom for many years
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照片中的男人是一个很多年来
00:17
I plotted to kill.
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我都处心积虑想杀掉的人。
00:21
This is my father,
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他是我的父亲，
00:24
Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.
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克林顿 乔治 "泡泡眼“ 格兰。
00:27
He's called Bageye because he has
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他被称为“泡泡眼”是因为
00:30
permanent bags under his eyes.
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在他的眼下永远有两个大眼袋。
00:34
As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,
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作为一个十岁的孩子，与兄弟姐妹一同，
00:37
I dreamt of scraping off the poison
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我设想着将除蝇纸上的
00:41
from fly-killer paper into his coffee,
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毒药刮下来放到我父亲的咖啡中；
00:45
grounded down glass and sprinkling it
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将玻璃摔碎然后
00:47
over his breakfast,
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洒在他的早餐上；
00:50
loosening the carpet on the stairs
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把台阶上的地毯弄皱，
00:51
so he would trip and break his neck.
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这样他就会绊倒然后摔断脖子。
00:55
But come the day, he would always
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但是，在当天他总是能
00:57
skip that loose step,
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越过那节松了的台阶，
00:59
he would always bow out of the house
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他总是会低着头就出门了，
01:01
without so much as a swig of coffee
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而没有大口喝咖啡，
01:03
or a bite to eat.
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也没有吃一口早餐。
01:05
And so for many years,
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因此，这么多年来，
01:07
I feared that my father would die
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我害怕我的父亲在我有机会
01:09
before I had a chance to kill him.
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杀掉他之前就去世了。
01:11
(Laughter)
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（笑声...)
01:15
Up until our mother asked him to leave
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在我们的母亲让他离开，
01:18
and not come back,
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并且再也不要回来之前，
01:20
Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.
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“泡泡眼”一直是一个可怕的恶魔，
01:24
He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,
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他永远都在愤怒的边缘徘徊，
01:28
rather like me, as you see.
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这和我有些相像，
如你们现在看到的这样。
如你们现在看到的这样。
01:31
He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton
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他在卢顿的沃克斯豪尔公司上夜班，
01:35
and demanded total silence throughout the house,
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因此他要求在白天房子里要绝对安静。
01:38
so that when we came home from school
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这就使得，当我们下午三点
01:40
at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle
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放学回家后，会挤在电视旁，
01:42
beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,
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像破解保险箱的窃贼似的，
01:46
we would twiddle with the volume control knob
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我们会转动电视上的声音调节钮，
01:48
on the TV so it was almost inaudible.
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来让它的声音几乎听不见。
01:51
And at times, when we were like this,
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每当我们这样做的时候，
01:53
so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
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屋子里只会有许多
01:56
going on in the house
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“嘘..." ”嘘..."的声音。
01:58
that I imagined us to be like
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这让我想象我们就像
02:00
the German crew of a U-boat
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德国U型潜艇上的船员似的，
02:03
creeping along the edge of the ocean
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在大海的边缘悄悄潜行，
02:06
whilst up above, on the surface,
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同时在上方的水面上，
02:07
HMS Bageye patrolled
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“泡泡眼”号皇家海军在巡逻，
02:11
ready to drop death charges
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随时准备着在听到第一声
02:13
at the first sound of any disturbance.
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噪音时执行死刑。
02:17
So that lesson was the lesson that
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所以，那节课给我的告诫正是：
02:20
"Do not draw attention to yourself
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“无论在家里，还是在外面，
02:22
either in the home or outside of the home."
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都不要将别人的注意力引到你身上。”
02:24
Maybe it's a migrant lesson.
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也许这是对移民者告诫。
02:27
We were to be below the radar,
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我们就像是暴露在雷达下的目标一样，
02:30
so there was no communication, really,
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所以，在“泡泡眼”和我们之间
02:31
between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,
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之际上并没有真正的交流。
02:34
and the sound that we most looked forward to,
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而我们最期盼听到的声音，
02:37
you know when you're a child and you want
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如大家所知那样，当你还是个孩子时，
02:39
your father to come home
and it's all going to be happy
and it's all going to be happy
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你盼望着你的父亲回家，
然后所以的一切都将幸福欢乐，
然后所以的一切都将幸福欢乐，
02:42
and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.
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这就会让你期待着家门被打开的声音。
02:44
Well the sound that we looked forward to
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然而，我和我的兄弟姐妹所期盼的声音
02:45
was the click of the door closing,
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是房门被关上时的声响，
02:47
which meant he'd gone and would not come back.
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这就意味着我们的父亲出去了且不会回来了。
02:52
So for three decades,
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因而，三十多年来，
02:55
I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.
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我从未注视过父亲一眼，
而他也没注视过我。
而他也没注视过我。
02:58
We never spoke to each other for three decades,
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在过去的三十多年，
我们从未交谈过，
我们从未交谈过，
03:00
and then a couple of years ago, I decided
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然后，在几年前，我决定
03:02
to turn the spotlight on him.
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将聚光灯投向他。
03:06
"You are being watched.
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“你正在被监视，
03:08
Actually, you are.
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真的，
03:10
You are being watched."
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你正在被监视着”
03:12
That was his mantra to us, his children.
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这是他对我们—他的孩子们，
所说的咒语。
所说的咒语。
03:15
Time and time again he would say this to us.
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一次又一次他这样对我们念道。
03:16
And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,
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这张照片就是1970年摄于卢顿，
03:19
where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,
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他当时在沃克斯豪尔公司工作，
03:21
and he was a Jamaican.
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他是牙买加人。
03:23
And what he meant was,
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他说那些话的意思就是，
03:24
you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant
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你作为一个牙买加移民者的孩子，
03:26
are being watched
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你是时刻被人监视着的。
03:28
to see which way you turn, to see whether
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有人监视你拐向哪条路，监视你
03:30
you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,
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是否遵守你所移入国家为你设立的模式，
03:34
of being feckless, work-shy,
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表现的没有价值，游手好闲，
03:36
destined for a life of crime.
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注定一生充满罪行。
03:39
You are being watched,
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你正在被监视着，
03:41
so confound their expectations of you.
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所以，把他们所有的期盼都打消吧。
03:45
To that end, Bageye and his friends,
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最后，“泡泡眼”和他的朋友们，
03:49
mostly Jamaican,
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大部分都是牙买加人，
03:51
exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:
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展示了一种良好的印象：
03:55
Turn your best side to the world,
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把你最好的一面展示给世界，
03:57
show your best face to the world.
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将你最好的面貌展现给世界。
04:00
If you have seen some of the images
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如果你见过这些
04:01
of the Caribbean people arriving
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四五十年代时加勒比人
04:03
in the '40s and '50s,
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刚到达这里的图片，
04:05
you might have noticed that a lot of the men
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你也许会发现他们中的很多人
04:07
wear trilbies.
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戴着软毡帽。
04:08
Now, there was no tradition
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
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如今，牙买加人再也
没有戴软毡帽的传统了。
没有戴软毡帽的传统了。
04:12
They invented that tradition for their arrival here.
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他们是为了抵达这里才创立了这个传统。
04:15
They wanted to project themselves in a way
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他们试图把自己包装成
04:17
that they wanted to be perceived,
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他们想要别人见到的那一面。
04:19
so that the way they looked
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所以，他们的样子
04:21
and the names that they gave themselves
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以及他们给自己取的名字
04:23
defined them.
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定义了他们。
04:25
So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.
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因此，“泡泡眼”是一个有大眼袋的光头。
04:31
Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.
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“整洁靴子”对他的鞋子十分讲究。
04:35
Anxious is always anxious.
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“焦虑”总是表现出很焦虑。
04:37
Clock has one arm longer than the other.
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"钟表“的胳膊一只长一只短。
04:40
(Laughter)
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（笑声...)
04:44
And my all-time favorite was the
guy they called Summerwear.
guy they called Summerwear.
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长期以来我最喜欢的一位是
被叫做”夏日装着“的人。
被叫做”夏日装着“的人。
04:47
When Summerwear came to this country
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在60年代早期当”夏日装着“从牙买加
04:49
from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted
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来到这个国家时，
04:51
on wearing light summer suits,
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无论天气如何，
04:53
no matter the weather,
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他都坚持穿轻便的夏日装着。
04:55
and in the course of researching their lives,
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在我研究父辈们生活的过程时，
04:56
I asked my mom, "Whatever
became of Summerwear?"
became of Summerwear?"
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我问我的母亲：”夏日装着“后来发生了什么？
04:59
And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)
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她回答说：他得感冒去世了。（笑声...）
05:04
But men like Summerwear
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但是，像”夏日装着“这样的人
05:06
taught us the importance of style.
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教会了我们个人风格的重要性。
05:08
Maybe they exaggerated their style
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也许他们过度夸大了自身的风格，
05:10
because they thought that they were not considered
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因为他们觉得自己是被人们
05:13
to be quite civilized,
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看作是不文明的，
05:15
and they transferred that generational attitude
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并且，他们还把他们那一代人的态度
05:18
or anxiety onto us, the next generation,
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或焦虑传到了下一代——我们的身上。
05:20
so much so that when I was growing up,
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以致于当我渐渐长大时，
05:23
if ever on the television news or radio
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只要在电视新闻或者收音机上
05:25
a report came up about a black person
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出现关于一个黑人犯罪
05:26
committing some crime —
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的报道，
05:28
a mugging, a murder, a burglary —
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比如行凶抢劫，谋杀，盗窃等，
05:32
we winced along with our parents,
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我们和父母都会一同避开，
05:35
because they were letting the side down.
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因为这些报道会让我们失落。
05:38
You did not just represent yourself.
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你不仅仅代表着你自己
05:39
You represented the group,
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而代表着整个群体。
05:41
and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,
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这是需要忍受的一件很可怕的事，
05:46
in a way, that maybe you were going
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在某种程度上，人们很可能
05:48
to be perceived in the same light.
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会以同样的目光看待你。
05:52
So that was what needed to be challenged.
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所以这就是需要被挑战的。
05:56
Our father and many of his colleagues
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我们的父亲和他的许多同事
06:00
exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.
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展现出了一种传播而不是接收。
06:04
They were built to transmit but not receive.
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他们生来就是为了传播而不是接收的。
06:06
We were to keep quiet.
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我们被要求保持安静。
06:09
When our father did speak to us,
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当父亲对我们说话时，
06:10
it was from the pulpit of his mind.
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那是来自他思想的讲坛。
06:13
They clung to certainty in the belief
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他们是如此依附于那些信仰的正确性，
06:15
that doubt would undermine them.
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以致于任何怀疑都会诋毁他们。
06:19
But when I am working in my house
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但是，当次我在家中工作和写作时，
06:22
and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs
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在完成了一天的写作后，我冲下楼梯
06:26
and I'm very excited to talk about
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
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我非常激动得想谈论
马克思·加维或巴布·马里，
马克思·加维或巴布·马里，
06:29
and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies
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言辞像蝴蝶似的从我嘴中飞出，
06:32
and I'm so excited that my children stop me,
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我如此兴奋以致于我的孩子们打断了我，
06:35
and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."
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他们说：爸爸，没人在乎这些。
06:38
(Laughter)
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（笑声...)
06:42
But they do care, actually.
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但是，事实上，他们是在乎的。
06:44
They cross over.
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他们穿过你，
06:46
Somehow they find their way to you.
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不知怎么，他们寻找到了通向你的道路。
06:48
They shape their lives according
to the narrative of your life,
to the narrative of your life,
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他们参照你生活的叙述来
塑造着他们自己的生活，
塑造着他们自己的生活，
06:52
as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,
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也许，正如我和我的父母做的那样，
06:56
and maybe Bageye did with his father.
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也许也像”泡泡眼“和他父亲那样。
06:59
And that was clearer to me
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在我研究我父亲生活的过程中，
07:00
in the course of looking at his life
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我对这一点的理解越来越清晰，
07:03
and understanding, as they say,
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而且我明白了，正如他们说的那样，
07:06
the Native Americans say,
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美国原住民所说的那样，
07:08
"Do not criticize the man until you can walk
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”不要在你没有经历过他人所经历的事
07:09
in his moccasins."
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之前就随意评论他。
07:12
But in conjuring his life, it was okay
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但是，在他魔术般的人生中，
07:14
and very straightforward to portray
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在描述19世纪70年代生活
07:18
a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s
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于英国的加勒比人时，
07:21
with bowls of plastic fruit,
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用桌上摆着的几碗塑料水果，
07:26
polystyrene ceiling tiles,
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聚苯乙烯天花板，
07:29
settees permanently sheathed
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以及永远罩着刚买来时的透明塑料罩的长沙发
07:31
in their transparent covers
that they were delivered in.
that they were delivered in.
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来描述他们是即正确有直率的。
07:34
But what's more difficult to navigate
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但是，两代之间的
07:36
is the emotional landscape
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情感鸿沟则
07:38
between the generations,
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是更难以跨越的，
07:40
and the old adage that with age comes wisdom
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古话说道：智慧会随着年龄增长，
07:45
is not true.
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这并不是真的。
07:47
With age comes the veneer of respectability
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3483
年龄会带来受人尊敬的表象，
07:50
and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.
171
458528
3368
和令人不适的真理的表象。
07:53
But what was true was that my parents,
172
461896
2772
但真相是，我的父母，
07:56
my mother, and my father went along with it,
173
464668
2476
我的母亲和父亲都同意的是，
07:59
did not trust the state to educate me.
174
467144
2768
他们并不信任所在州立学校对我进行的教育。
08:01
So listen to how I sound.
175
469912
2490
所以听听我说的话吧。
08:04
They determined that they would
send me to a private school,
send me to a private school,
176
472402
4282
他们决定把我送去一所私立学校，
08:08
but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.
177
476684
1757
但是我的父亲在沃克斯豪尔公司工作，
08:10
It's quite difficult to fund a private school education
178
478441
3791
这使得为私立学校付学费，同时
08:14
and feed his army of children.
179
482232
2640
并为他所有的孩子提供食物是十分困难的。
08:16
I remember going on to the school
180
484872
1984
我记得去那所学校参加入学测试时，
08:18
for the entrance exam, and my father said
181
486856
2124
我父亲对神父说
08:20
to the priest — it was a Catholic school —
182
488980
3600
那是一所天主教学校
08:24
he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,
183
492580
4227
他希望这个孩子能得到更好的”角“育，
08:28
but also, he, my father,
184
496807
2928
但是，同样，他，我的父亲，
08:31
never even managed to pass worms,
185
499735
2640
从未打算要通过卫生检查，
08:34
never mind entrance exams.
186
502375
2620
更不在意入学考试了。
08:36
But in order to fund my education,
187
504995
1945
但是为了资助我的学费，
08:38
he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,
188
506940
2723
他打算做些投机取巧的事，
08:41
so my father would fund my education
189
509663
3102
所以，我父亲打算通过在他的车后备箱
08:44
by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,
190
512765
3604
贩卖非法货品来为我付学费，
08:48
and that was made even more tricky because
191
516369
1432
但更为棘手的是
08:49
my father, that's not his car by the way.
192
517801
2160
那辆车甚至并不是我父亲的。
08:51
My father aspired to have a car like that,
193
519961
1808
我父亲他一直期望有一辆那样的车，
08:53
but my father had a beaten-up Mini,
194
521769
2076
但他仅有的是一辆破旧的Mini,
08:55
and he never, being a
Jamaican coming to this country,
Jamaican coming to this country,
195
523845
4498
作为一个牙买加移民，
09:00
he never had a driving license,
196
528343
2353
他从未获得驾照，
09:02
he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.
197
530696
3564
也从未交过保险和道路税，也没参加驾照考试。
09:06
He thought, "I know how to drive;
198
534260
1939
他认为：“我知道如何开车，
09:08
why do I need the state's validation?"
199
536199
3080
为什么还需要州政府来验证？”
09:11
But it became a little tricky when
we were stopped by the police,
we were stopped by the police,
200
539279
2232
但是，这就使得在警察让我们
停下来时比较棘手，
停下来时比较棘手，
09:13
and we were stopped a lot by the police,
201
541511
2213
而警察又常常让我停下来，
09:15
and I was impressed by the way
202
543724
1217
我对我父亲与警察交涉的方式
09:16
that my father dealt with the police.
203
544941
1899
印象深刻。
09:18
He would promote the policeman immediately,
204
546840
2808
他会立刻让警察升职，
09:21
so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs
205
549648
4087
在谈话的过程中，警察布洛格斯
09:25
in the course of the conversation
206
553735
1184
变成了探长布洛格斯，
09:26
and wave us on merrily.
207
554919
1984
然后愉快的向我们挥手告别。
09:28
So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica
208
556903
1868
这就是我父亲在展示我们
09:30
called "playing fool to catch wise."
209
558771
4182
牙买加人称之为的“扮猪吃老虎”的智慧。
09:34
But it lent also an idea
210
562953
3369
但是，这也许以另一种想法也能解释，
09:38
that actually he was being diminished
211
566322
1806
就是实际上，他被警察贬低
09:40
or belittled by the policeman —
212
568128
2304
和轻视了，
09:42
as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —
213
570432
1817
作为一个十岁的男孩，我看出了这点，
09:44
but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.
214
572249
2571
但是还是一种对当权者的一种矛盾心理。
09:46
So on the one hand, there was
215
574820
1645
所以，一方面
09:48
a mocking of authority,
216
576465
1627
是对当权的嘲讽，
09:50
but on the other hand, there was a deference
217
578092
2316
但是，另一方面，
09:52
towards authority,
218
580408
1821
是对当权者的敬重，
09:54
and these Caribbean people
219
582229
1955
且这些加勒比人，
09:56
had an overbearing obedience towards authority,
220
584184
4137
以一种非常显著且奇怪的方式
10:00
which is very striking, very strange in a way,
221
588321
2208
对当权者者极其服从，
10:02
because migrants are very courageous people.
222
590529
3104
因为移民者都是十分有勇气的人。
10:05
They leave their homes. My father and my mother
223
593633
2760
他们远走他乡。
10:08
left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,
224
596393
3927
我的父母离开牙买加，然后旅行了四千英里，
10:12
and yet they were infantilized by travel.
225
600320
3824
即便如此，他们仍不擅长旅行。
10:16
They were timid,
226
604144
1768
他们非常胆小，
10:17
and somewhere along the line,
227
605912
1449
而不知在前行道路上的何处，
10:19
the natural order was reversed.
228
607361
1841
自然的秩序被颠倒了，
10:21
The children became the parents to the parent.
229
609202
3487
孩子们反而成为了父母们的父母。
10:26
The Caribbean people came to
this country with a five-year plan:
this country with a five-year plan:
230
614646
2497
加勒比人是带着他们的五年
计划来到这个国家的：
计划来到这个国家的：
10:29
they would work, some money, and then go back,
231
617143
1999
即他们工作，赚钱，然后回加勒比，
10:31
but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,
232
619142
2823
但是“五年”变成了十年，
接着十年变成了十五年，
接着十年变成了十五年，
10:33
and before you know it,
you're changing the wallpaper,
you're changing the wallpaper,
233
621965
2345
接下来，在你还未意识到时，
你正在换家中的墙纸，
你正在换家中的墙纸，
10:36
and at that point, you know you're here to stay.
234
624310
3632
也就是在这时，你才知道自己要留在这里了。
10:39
Although there's still the kind of temporariness
235
627942
2464
尽管，我父母依旧觉得留在这里
10:42
that our parents felt about being here,
236
630406
2447
是一种暂时性的事，
10:44
but we children knew that the game was up.
237
632853
4187
但是我们这些孩子都知道游戏已经结束了。
10:49
I think there was a feeling that
238
637040
2758
我认为，这是一种觉得
10:51
they would not be able to continue with the ideals
239
639798
5350
他们没有能力继续他们所期盼的
10:57
of the life that they expected.
240
645148
2007
理想生活的感觉。
10:59
The reality was very much different.
241
647155
1982
而现实是与之如此不同。
11:01
And also, that was true of the reality
242
649137
2074
此外，我父亲试图教育我
11:03
of trying to educate me.
243
651211
1418
这一现实也是真的。
11:04
Having started the process,
my father did not continue.
my father did not continue.
244
652629
4062
是他开始教育我的，
但他并没有坚持下来。
但他并没有坚持下来。
11:08
It was left to my mother to educate me,
245
656691
2728
而是留给我母亲来继续教育我，
11:11
and as George Lamming would say,
246
659419
2721
正如乔治·雷明说的那样，
11:14
it was my mother who fathered me.
247
662140
3779
是我的母亲扮演了我父亲的角色。
11:17
Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:
248
665919
2342
即便他缺席了，他古老的”咒语“依旧存在：
11:20
You are being watched.
249
668261
1687
你正在被监视着。
11:21
But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,
250
669948
3202
但是如此炽热的注视会导致焦虑，
11:25
so much so that years later, when I was investigating
251
673150
2249
这就使得许多年后，当我在研究
11:27
why so many young black men
252
675399
1314
为何如此多的黑人青年
11:28
were diagnosed with schizophrenia,
253
676713
2131
被诊断为精神分裂症，
11:30
six times more than they ought to be,
254
678844
2507
该疾病在他们身上的发病率是他们原本发病率的六倍，
11:33
I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,
255
681351
3272
而且在我听到心理医生说：”黑人们
11:36
"Black people are schooled in paranoia."
256
684623
4458
在恐吓中被教育“时我并不感到吃惊。
11:41
And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.
257
689081
3871
我很好奇”泡泡眼“对此有何想法。
11:44
Now I also had a 10-year-old son,
258
692952
2527
现在，我自己也有了一个十岁的儿子，
11:47
and turned my attention to Bageye
259
695479
2849
我便开始把注意力转向”泡泡眼“
11:50
and I went in search of him.
260
698328
1376
我开始寻找他。
11:51
He was back in Luton, he was now 82,
261
699704
3602
他回到了卢顿，他当时已经82岁了，
11:55
and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,
262
703306
3640
而我已经有三十几年没见过他了，
11:58
and when he opened the door,
263
706946
1598
当他来开门时，
12:00
I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,
264
708544
3904
我看见这个瘦小的男人眼中带着隐约的笑意，
12:04
and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.
265
712448
2343
他在冲我微笑，而我之前从未见他笑过。
12:06
I was very disconcerted by that.
266
714791
3048
这使我感到非常惊惶。
12:09
But we sat down, and he had
a Caribbean friend with him,
a Caribbean friend with him,
267
717839
3061
但是，我们坐下后，而且他有
位加勒比朋友正与他一起，
位加勒比朋友正与他一起，
12:12
talking some old time talk,
268
720900
2555
我父亲正与他聊一陈年往事，
12:15
and my father would look at me,
269
723455
2474
我父亲看向我，
12:17
and he looked at me as if I would
270
725929
1654
他看向我的样子
12:19
miraculously disappear as I had arisen.
271
727583
3644
好像我会像我突然出现那样乍然的消失。
12:23
And he turned to his friend, and he said,
272
731227
2236
接着，他转向他的朋友，说到：
12:25
"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,
273
733463
2960
“这个男孩和我有着很深的联系，
12:28
deep, deep connection."
274
736423
2960
很深，很深的联系。”
12:31
But I never felt that connection.
275
739383
1397
但是我从没感觉到这种联系。
12:32
If there was a pulse, it was very weak
276
740780
2779
如果我们之间有某种脉动，那也非常弱
12:35
or hardly at all.
277
743559
2824
或者基本没有。
12:38
And I almost felt in the course of that reunion
278
746383
1840
我几乎快要觉得，在重聚的过程中，
12:40
that I was auditioning to be my father's son.
279
748223
4617
我是在为担当我父亲的儿子试镜。
12:44
When the book came out,
280
752840
1992
当书出版时，
12:46
it had fair reviews in the national papers,
281
754832
1736
它在国家报纸上有着不错的评论，
12:48
but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,
282
756568
3272
但是在卢顿，人们选择的包装并不是卫报，
12:51
it's the Luton News,
283
759840
2287
而是卢顿新闻，
12:54
and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,
284
762127
3776
卢顿新闻将这本书作为了头条，
12:57
"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."
285
765903
5219
标题写道：“一本能够愈合32年的裂痕的书”。
13:03
And I understood that could also represent
286
771122
3312
并且我理解这可能也代表了
13:06
the rift between one generation and the next,
287
774434
1903
两代之间的裂痕，
13:08
between people like me and my father's generation,
288
776337
4004
像是我和我父亲这一代人之间的这种裂痕，
13:12
but there's no tradition in Caribbean life
289
780341
2248
但是在加勒比人的生活中，
13:14
of memoirs or biographies.
290
782589
2104
并没有记录回忆或者写传记的传统。
13:16
It was a tradition that you didn't
chat about your business in public.
chat about your business in public.
291
784693
4084
那只有不在公共场合谈论私事的传统。
13:20
But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,
292
788777
4656
但是我很喜欢这个标题，
而且我认为正是如此，
而且我认为正是如此，
13:25
there is a possibility that this
293
793433
1896
这也许提供了让我们进行一次
13:27
will open up conversations
that we'd never had before.
that we'd never had before.
294
795329
4193
从未有过的谈话的可能性。
13:31
This will close the generation gap, perhaps.
295
799522
4204
也许，这能使我们之间的代沟变小。
13:35
This could be an instrument of repair.
296
803726
2527
这也可能成为修复我们之间关系的工具。
13:38
And I even began to feel that this book
297
806253
2401
我甚至开始觉得我父亲
13:40
may be perceived by my father
298
808654
2888
会将这本书理解为
13:43
as an act of filial devotion.
299
811542
4176
是一种孝心的展现。
13:47
Poor, deluded fool.
300
815718
3735
这个傻子。
13:51
Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be
301
819453
4041
”泡泡眼“被激怒了，因为他认为
13:55
the public airing of his shortcomings.
302
823494
2859
这本书使公众知道了他的缺点。
13:58
He was stung by my betrayal,
303
826353
2901
他被我的背叛激怒了，
14:01
and he went to the newspapers the next day
304
829254
2072
第二天，他去了报纸发行处
14:03
and demanded a right of reply,
305
831326
1184
并且要求他们给他回应的权利，
14:04
and he got it with the headline
306
832510
2232
接着，他得到了次日的头条：
14:06
"Bageye Bites Back."
307
834742
3160
”泡泡眼的回击“。
14:09
And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.
308
837902
2968
这是一个备受瞩目的对我的背叛做出的解释，
14:12
I was no son of his.
309
840870
2878
我不是他的儿子。
14:15
He recognized in his mind that his colors
310
843748
2081
他意识到他的颜面扫地，
14:17
had been dragged through the
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
311
845829
2368
被污泥沾染，而他不能允许这样的事发生。
14:20
He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,
312
848197
2585
他必须要重建他的尊严，他也这么做了。
14:22
and initially, although I was disappointed,
313
850782
2428
虽然，一开始我对此很失望，
14:25
I grew to admire that stance.
314
853210
1680
但是我渐渐开始钦佩他的立场了。
14:26
There was still fire bubbling through his veins,
315
854890
3403
尽管他已经82岁了，
14:30
even though he was 82 years old.
316
858293
3617
但他的血管中仍有澎湃的火球。
14:33
And if it meant that we would now return
317
861910
2562
如果这意味着我们可能重新
14:36
to 30 years of silence,
318
864472
3231
回到那互不交谈的30年，
14:39
my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
319
867703
5960
我父亲可能会说：“如果是这样，那就只能如此了。”
14:45
Jamaicans will tell you that
there's no such thing as facts,
there's no such thing as facts,
320
873663
3192
牙买加可能会说没有诸如“事实”这样的事，
14:48
there are only versions.
321
876855
2025
只有不同的版本。
14:50
We all tell ourselves the versions of the story
322
878880
2481
人们总是讲述自己不同版本的故事，
14:53
that we can best live with.
323
881361
2855
他们所能承受的最佳版本。
14:56
Each generation builds up an edifice
324
884216
2527
每代人都建造了自己的知识结构，
14:58
which they are reluctant or sometimes unable
325
886743
2067
这使得他们不情愿或者有时不能
15:00
to disassemble,
326
888810
2308
拆解这些结构，
15:03
but in the writing, my version of the story
327
891118
3646
但是在我的写作中，我的故事版本
15:06
began to change,
328
894764
2068
开始改变了，
15:08
and it was detached from me.
329
896832
3994
它与我自身分离了，
15:12
I lost my hatred of my father.
330
900826
2929
我不再厌恶我父亲了。
15:15
I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,
331
903755
4484
我不再盼望着他去世或者想要谋杀他了，
15:20
and I felt free,
332
908239
4244
而且我感觉到了一种解脱，
15:24
much freer than I'd ever felt before.
333
912483
4864
我以前从未感觉到如此自由。
15:29
And I wonder whether that freedness
334
917347
1880
并且我很好奇这种自由是否
15:31
could be transferred to him.
335
919227
2915
能够传递给我的父亲。
15:36
In that initial reunion,
336
924218
4352
在最初的重聚中，
15:40
I was struck by an idea that I had
337
928570
2376
我突然想到，
15:42
very few photographs of myself
338
930946
3444
我小的时候
15:46
as a young child.
339
934390
2374
很少有自己的独照。
15:48
This is a photograph of me,
340
936764
2190
这是一张我的照片，
15:50
nine months old.
341
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是九个月大时的我。
15:53
In the original photograph,
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在原始的照片中，
15:55
I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,
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我是被我父亲“泡泡眼”高高举起的，
15:58
but when my parents separated, my mother
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但是在我父母分开后，我母亲
16:00
excised him from all aspects of our lives.
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将他从我们生活中的各方面都剔除了。
16:03
She took a pair of scissors and cut
him out of every photograph,
him out of every photograph,
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她拿剪刀把每张照片中的父亲都减掉了，
16:07
and for years, I told myself
the truth of this photograph
the truth of this photograph
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许多年来，我告诉自己，
这些照片的真相是：
这些照片的真相是：
16:10
was that you are alone,
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我是孤单一人的，
16:13
you are unsupported.
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我是不被支持的。
16:16
But there's another way of looking at this photograph.
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但是，还有另一种方式来看这些照片。
16:18
This is a photograph that has the potential
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这是有着重聚潜质
16:21
for a reunion,
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的照片，
16:23
a potential to be reunited with my father,
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和我父亲重聚的潜质，
16:26
and in my yearning to be held up by my father,
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在我希望被父亲高高举起的渴望中，
16:30
I held him up to the light.
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我将他举向了聚光灯前。
16:33
In that first reunion,
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第一次的重聚时，
16:36
it was very awkward and tense moments,
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那是气氛既尴尬又紧张的时刻，
16:38
and to lessen the tension,
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为了减缓紧张的氛围，
16:39
we decided to go for a walk.
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我们决定去散散步。
16:43
And as we walked, I was struck
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在我们散步的途中，
16:45
that I had reverted to being the child
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我突然发现，我又变回了孩子，
16:47
even though I was now towering above my father.
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尽管我比父亲高了很多。
16:50
I was almost a foot taller than my father.
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我几乎比父亲高一尺，
16:53
He was still the big man,
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但他仍旧是个大人，
16:55
and I tried to match his step.
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而我试图跟上他的步伐。
17:00
And I realized that he was walking
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接着我意识到，
17:02
as if he was still under observation,
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他正在以仍被人注视着的方式走路，
17:04
but I admired his walk.
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但我钦佩他的这种走路方式。
17:07
He walked like a man
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他像世界杯决赛失败的人
17:10
on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final
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那样走着路，
17:13
mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.
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一步步登上阶梯领取他的安慰奖。
17:16
There was dignity in defeat.
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在失败中流露出了尊严。
17:20
Thank you.
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谢谢。
17:22
(Applause)
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（掌声...)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Colin Grant - Author, historianColin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.
Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speakerGrant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com