TED2017
Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart
Guy Winch: Sådan heles et knust hjerte
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Alle oplever før eller senere en hjertesorg. Meget kan gøres anderledes hvis vi har mere forståelse for denne unikke følelsesmæssige smerte. Psykologen Guy Winch fortæller at helingen af et knus hjerte begynder med at bekæmpe de instinkter, der får os til at idealisere ekskærester og søge forklaringer, der ofte ikke er der. Her kan du lære, hvad der skal til for at overvinde hjertesorgen.
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
At some point in our lives,
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I løbet af vores liv
00:14
almost every one of us
will have our heart broken.
will have our heart broken.
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vil vi næsten alle opleve
at få hjertet knust.
at få hjertet knust.
Min patient, Kathy, planlagde sit bryllup,
da hun stadig gik i folkeskole.
da hun stadig gik i folkeskole.
00:18
My patient Kathy planned her wedding
when she was in middle school.
when she was in middle school.
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00:23
She would meet her future husband
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Hun ville møde sin kommende mand,
00:25
by age 27,
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når hun var 27 år gammel,
00:26
get engaged a year later
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blive forlovet et år senere
00:28
and get married a year after that.
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og blive gift et år efter.
00:31
But when Kathy turned 27,
she didn't find a husband.
she didn't find a husband.
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Men da Kathy fyldte 27,
fandt hun ikke en mand.
fandt hun ikke en mand.
00:35
She found a lump in her breast.
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Hun fandt en knude i sit bryst.
00:38
She went through many months
of harsh chemotherapy
of harsh chemotherapy
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Hun fik hård kemoterapi
gennem mange måneder
gennem mange måneder
00:41
and painful surgeries,
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og smertefulde operationer,
00:43
and then just as she was ready
to jump back into the dating world,
to jump back into the dating world,
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og da hun endelig var klar til
at date igen,
at date igen,
00:47
she found a lump in her other breast
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fandt hun en knude i sit andet bryst
00:50
and had to do it all over again.
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og måtte starte forfra igen.
00:53
Kathy recovered, though,
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Kathy kom sig dog –
00:54
and she was eager to resume
her search for a husband
her search for a husband
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og hun var ivrig efter at
genoptage sin søgen,
genoptage sin søgen,
00:57
as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
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så snart hendes øjenbryn
voksede frem igen.
voksede frem igen.
01:00
When you're going
on first dates in New York City,
on first dates in New York City,
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På første date i New York,
01:02
you need to be able to express
a wide range of emotions.
a wide range of emotions.
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må du kunne udtrykke
en bred vifte af følelser.
en bred vifte af følelser.
01:05
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:07
Soon afterwards,
she met Rich and fell in love.
she met Rich and fell in love.
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Snart derefter mødte hun Rich
og blev forelsket.
og blev forelsket.
01:10
The relationship was everything
she hoped it would be.
she hoped it would be.
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Forholdet var alt det hun håbede
det ville være.
det ville være.
01:14
Six months later,
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Seks måneder senere,
01:15
after a lovely weekend in New England,
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efter en dejlig weekend i New England,
01:18
Rich made reservations
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
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reserverede Rich et bord på deres
romantiske yndlingsrestaurant.
romantiske yndlingsrestaurant.
01:22
Kathy knew he was going to propose,
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Kathy vidste, at han ville fri til hende,
01:24
and she could barely
contain her excitement.
contain her excitement.
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og hun kunne knapt skjule
sin begejstring.
sin begejstring.
01:28
But Rich did not propose
to Kathy that night.
to Kathy that night.
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Men Rich friede ikke til Kathy den aften.
01:31
He broke up with her.
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Han slog op med hende.
01:33
As deeply as he cared
for Kathy -- and he did --
for Kathy -- and he did --
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Skønt han holdt meget af
Kathy, og det gjorde han,
Kathy, og det gjorde han,
01:36
he simply wasn't in love.
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var han bare ikke forelsket.
01:39
Kathy was shattered.
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Kathy var ødelagt.
01:41
Her heart was truly broken,
and she now faced yet another recovery.
and she now faced yet another recovery.
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Hendes hjerte var knust og nu
måtte hun atter hele.
måtte hun atter hele.
01:46
But five months after the breakup,
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Men fem måneder efter bruddet
01:49
Kathy still couldn't stop
thinking about Rich.
thinking about Rich.
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kunne Kathy stadig ikke holde op
med at tænke på Rich.
med at tænke på Rich.
01:52
Her heart was still very much broken.
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Hendes hjerte var stadig helt knust.
01:56
The question is:
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Spørgsmålet er:
01:57
Why?
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Hvorfor?
01:59
Why was this incredibly strong
and determined woman
and determined woman
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Hvorfor var denne stærke og
målrettede kvinde
målrettede kvinde
02:03
unable to marshal the same
emotional resources
emotional resources
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ikke i stand til at udnytte de
samme emotionelle ressourcer,
samme emotionelle ressourcer,
02:06
that got her through four years
of cancer treatments?
of cancer treatments?
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som fik hende gennem fire
års kræftbehandling?
års kræftbehandling?
02:10
Why do so many of us flounder
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Hvorfor kæmper så mange af os
02:12
when we're trying
to recover from heartbreak?
to recover from heartbreak?
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med at komme over et knust hjerte?
02:16
Why do the same coping mechanisms
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Hvorfor virker de samme mekanismer,
02:18
that get us through all kinds
of life challenges
of life challenges
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der gør os i stand til at overkomme
alle mulige udfordringer,
alle mulige udfordringer,
02:21
fail us so miserably
when our heart gets broken?
when our heart gets broken?
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ikke når vi får vores hjerte knust?
02:25
In over 20 years of private practice,
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I over 20 år som behandler,
02:28
I have seen people
of every age and background
of every age and background
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har jeg set mennesker i alle aldre og
med forskellige baggrunde,
med forskellige baggrunde,
02:31
face every manner of heartbreak,
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møde alle former for hjertesorg,
02:33
and what I've learned is this:
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og dette er hvad, jeg har lært:
02:36
when your heart is broken,
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Når dit hjerte bliver knust,
02:39
the same instincts you ordinarily rely on
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vil de instinkter, du normalt stoler på,
02:42
will time and again lead you
down the wrong path.
down the wrong path.
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igen og igen lede dig i den
forkerte retning.
forkerte retning.
02:46
You simply cannot trust
what your mind is telling you.
what your mind is telling you.
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Du kan simpelthen ikke regne med
det dit sind fortæller dig.
det dit sind fortæller dig.
02:51
For example, we know from studies
of heartbroken people
of heartbroken people
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For eksempel ved vi fra studier
af personer med hjertesorg,
af personer med hjertesorg,
02:54
that having a clear understanding
of why the relationship ended
of why the relationship ended
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at en klar forståelse af
årsagen til bruddet,
årsagen til bruddet,
02:57
is really important
for our ability to move on.
for our ability to move on.
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er utroligt vigtigt for at
kunne komme videre
kunne komme videre
03:01
Yet time and again,
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Men alligevel,
03:03
when we are offered a simple
and honest explanation
and honest explanation
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når vi får en enkel
og ærlig forklaring,
og ærlig forklaring,
03:06
like the one Rich offered Kathy,
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som den Rich gav Kathy,
03:08
we reject it.
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afviser vi den.
03:10
Heartbreak creates
such dramatic emotional pain,
such dramatic emotional pain,
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Hjertesorg skaber så dramatisk
en følelsesmæssig smerte,
en følelsesmæssig smerte,
03:14
our mind tells us the cause
must be equally dramatic.
must be equally dramatic.
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at årsagen simpelthen bare må
være lige så dramatisk.
være lige så dramatisk.
03:18
And that gut instinct is so powerful,
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Og den mavefornemmelse er så stærk,
03:21
it can make even the most reasonable
and measured of us
and measured of us
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at den kan få selv de mest fornuftige
og afbalancerede af os
og afbalancerede af os
03:24
come up with mysteries
and conspiracy theories
and conspiracy theories
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til at opfinde mysterier og
konspirationsteorier,
konspirationsteorier,
03:28
where none exist.
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hvor de slet ikke findes.
03:30
Kathy became convinced
something must have happened
something must have happened
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Kathy blev overbevist om,
at noget måtte være sket
at noget måtte være sket
03:32
during her romantic getaway with Rich
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på hendes romantiske weekend med Rich,
03:34
that soured him on the relationship,
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som gjorde ham træt af forholdet,
03:36
and she became obsessed
with figuring out what that was.
with figuring out what that was.
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og blev besat af at finde ud af,
hvad det var.
hvad det var.
03:40
And so she spent countless hours
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Derfor brugte hun utallige timer på
03:42
going through every minute
of that weekend in her mind,
of that weekend in her mind,
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at gennemgå hvert eneste minut
af weekenden i sit hoved,
af weekenden i sit hoved,
03:45
searching her memory for clues
that were not there.
that were not there.
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og søgte ledetråde i sin hukommelse,
som ikke var der.
som ikke var der.
03:50
Kathy's mind tricked her
into initiating this wild goose chase.
into initiating this wild goose chase.
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Kathys sind narrede hende til
at starte en meningsløs jagt.
at starte en meningsløs jagt.
03:54
But what compelled her to commit to it
for so many months?
for so many months?
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Men hvad drev hende til at
fortsætte i månedsvis?
fortsætte i månedsvis?
03:59
Heartbreak is far more insidious
than we realize.
than we realize.
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Hjertesorg bedrager langt
mere end vi tror.
mere end vi tror.
04:03
There is a reason we keep going
down one rabbit hole after another,
down one rabbit hole after another,
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Der er en grund til, at vi bliver ved med
at gøre nyttesløse ting,
at gøre nyttesløse ting,
04:08
even when we know it's going
to make us feel worse.
to make us feel worse.
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selvom vi ved, at de vil få os til
at få det endnu værre.
at få det endnu værre.
04:11
Brain studies have shown
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Studier af hjernen har vist,
04:13
that the withdrawal of romantic love
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at når en romantisk kærlighed forsvinder,
04:15
activates the same mechanisms
in our brain that get activated
in our brain that get activated
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aktiveres de samme mekanismer
i hjernen, som aktiveres,
i hjernen, som aktiveres,
04:19
when addicts are withdrawing
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
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når en misbruger går på afvænning
fra stoffer som kokain og opiater.
fra stoffer som kokain og opiater.
04:25
Kathy was going through withdrawal.
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Kathy var på afvænning.
04:27
And since she could not have
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
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Og da hun ikke kunne få stoffet
at være sammen med Rich,
at være sammen med Rich,
04:31
her unconscious mind chose
the methadone of her memories with him.
the methadone of her memories with him.
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valgte hun ubevidst et metadon:
hendes minder med ham.
hendes minder med ham.
04:37
Her instincts told her
she was trying to solve a mystery,
she was trying to solve a mystery,
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Instinkterne bildte hende ind
at hun opklarede et mysterie,
at hun opklarede et mysterie,
04:40
but what she was actually doing
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men faktisk var hun igang med,
04:41
was getting her fix.
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at få sit fix.
04:45
This is what makes heartbreak
so difficult to heal.
so difficult to heal.
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Det er det, der gør et knust hjerte
så svært at hele.
så svært at hele.
04:49
Addicts know they're addicted.
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Stofmisbrugere ved, når de er afhængige.
04:51
They know when they're shooting up.
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De ved, hvornår de tager et fix.
04:53
But heartbroken people do not.
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Men det gør folk med hjertesorg ikke.
04:56
But you do now.
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Men det ved du nu.
04:58
And if your heart is broken,
you cannot ignore that.
you cannot ignore that.
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Og hvis dit hjerte er knust,
kan du ikke ignorere det.
kan du ikke ignorere det.
05:02
You have to recognize that,
as compelling as the urge is,
as compelling as the urge is,
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Du er nødt til at indse,
uanset hvor fristende det er,
uanset hvor fristende det er,
05:06
with every trip down memory lane,
every text you send,
every text you send,
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at ethvert tilbageblik,
hver sms du sender,
hver sms du sender,
05:09
every second you spend
stalking your ex on social media,
stalking your ex on social media,
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hvert minut du bruger på at følge
din eks på sociale medier,
din eks på sociale medier,
05:13
you are just feeding your addiction,
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er med til at styrke din afhængighed
05:15
deepening your emotional pain
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og forstærke de
smertefulde følelser,
smertefulde følelser,
05:17
and complicating your recovery.
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som gør det sværere at komme sig.
05:20
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.
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At komme over hjertesorg er ikke en rejse.
05:23
It's a fight, and your reason
is your strongest weapon.
is your strongest weapon.
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Det er en kamp og din fornuft
er dit stærkeste våben.
er dit stærkeste våben.
05:27
There is no breakup explanation
that's going to feel satisfying.
that's going to feel satisfying.
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Ingen forklaring på bruddet
vil føles tilfredsstillende.
vil føles tilfredsstillende.
05:31
No rationale can take away
the pain you feel.
the pain you feel.
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Ingen rationel årsag vil kunne
fjerne smerten, du føler.
fjerne smerten, du føler.
05:34
So don't search for one,
don't wait for one,
don't wait for one,
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Så led ikke efter en,
vent ikke på en,
vent ikke på en,
05:37
just accept the one you were offered
or make up one yourself
or make up one yourself
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accepter bare den du fik,
eller find på din egen
eller find på din egen
05:40
and then put the question to rest,
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og lad det ligge,
05:42
because you need that closure
to resist the addiction.
to resist the addiction.
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for du har brug for afslutning
for at modstå afhængigheden.
for at modstå afhængigheden.
05:46
And you need something else as well:
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Og du behøver også noget andet:
05:50
you have to be willing to let go,
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Viljen til at give slip,
05:53
to accept that it's over.
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at acceptere at det er slut.
05:56
Otherwise, your mind
will feed on your hope
will feed on your hope
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Ellers vil dit sind leve på håb
05:58
and set you back.
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og holde dig tilbage.
06:01
Hope can be incredibly destructive
when your heart is broken.
when your heart is broken.
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Håb kan være enormt destruktivt,
når dit hjerte er knust.
når dit hjerte er knust.
06:07
Heartbreak is a master manipulator.
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Hjertesorg er en mestermanipulator.
06:10
The ease with which it gets our mind
to do the absolute opposite
to do the absolute opposite
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Den lethed hvormed den påvirker
os i modsat retning,
os i modsat retning,
06:13
of what we need in order to recover
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væk fra det vi trænger til,
06:16
is remarkable.
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er påfaldende.
06:17
One of the most common tendencies
we have when our heart is broken
we have when our heart is broken
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Noget af det vi oftest gør
når hjertet er knust,
når hjertet er knust,
06:21
is to idealize the person who broke it.
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er at idealisere personen, som knuste det.
06:24
We spend hours remembering their smile,
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Vi tænker i timevis på, hvordan de smiler,
06:27
how great they made us feel,
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hvor godt de fik os til at føle os,
06:29
that time we hiked up the mountain
and made love under the stars.
and made love under the stars.
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den gang, vi vandrede op ad bjerget
og elskede under stjernerne.
og elskede under stjernerne.
06:34
All that does is make our loss
feel more painful.
feel more painful.
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Det gør kun tabet
mere smertefuldt.
mere smertefuldt.
06:38
We know that.
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Vi ved det godt.
06:40
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle
through one greatest hit after another,
through one greatest hit after another,
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Men alligevel lader vi tankerne kredse
om det ene hit efter det andet,
om det ene hit efter det andet,
06:45
like we were being held hostage by our own
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
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som gidsel af vores egen
passivt-aggressive playliste på Spotify.
passivt-aggressive playliste på Spotify.
06:49
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:54
Heartbreak will make those thoughts
pop into your mind.
pop into your mind.
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Hjertesorg vil få de tanker til
at dukke op i dit hoved.
at dukke op i dit hoved.
06:57
And so to avoid idealizing,
you have to balance them out
you have to balance them out
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Så for at undgå idealisering,
må du vende balancen
må du vende balancen
07:00
by remembering their frown,
not just their smile,
not just their smile,
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ved at huske deres panderynken,
ikke bare deres smil,
ikke bare deres smil,
07:04
how bad they made you feel,
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hvor dårligt de fik dig til at føle dig,
07:06
the fact that after the lovemaking,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
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og det faktum, at I efter elskoven
farede vild på vej ned ad bjerget,
farede vild på vej ned ad bjerget,
07:10
argued like crazy
and didn't speak for two days.
and didn't speak for two days.
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skændtes voldsomt og ikke talte
sammen i to dage.
sammen i to dage.
07:14
What I tell my patients
is to compile an exhaustive list
is to compile an exhaustive list
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Jeg siger til mine patienter,
at de skal lave en komplet liste
at de skal lave en komplet liste
07:18
of all the ways
the person was wrong for you,
the person was wrong for you,
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over alt, der gjorde denne person
forkert,
forkert,
07:21
all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,
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alle de dårlige kvaliteter,
alle irritationsmomenter,
alle irritationsmomenter,
07:23
and then keep it on your phone.
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og gemme den på deres telefon.
07:25
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
07:27
And once you have your list,
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Og når du har din liste,
07:29
you have to use it.
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må du også bruge den.
07:30
When I hear even a hint of idealizing
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Ved det mindste hint af idealisering,
07:33
or the faintest whiff
of nostalgia in a session,
of nostalgia in a session,
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eller det mindste tegn på nostalgi
under samtalen,
under samtalen,
07:36
I go, "Phone, please."
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siger jeg, "Telefon, tak."
07:38
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
07:41
Your mind will try to tell you
they were perfect.
they were perfect.
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Dit sind vil prøve at sige dig,
at de var perfekte.
at de var perfekte.
07:43
But they were not,
and neither was the relationship.
and neither was the relationship.
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Men det var de ikke, og det var
forholdet heller ikke.
forholdet heller ikke.
07:46
And if you want to get over them,
you have to remind yourself of that,
you have to remind yourself of that,
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Og hvis du vil komme over dem,
må du minde dig selv om det,
må du minde dig selv om det,
07:50
frequently.
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ofte.
07:52
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
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Ingen af os er immune for hjertesorg.
07:55
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old
senior executive in a software company.
senior executive in a software company.
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Min patient, Miguel, var en 56-årig
senior leder i et software-firma.
senior leder i et software-firma.
08:01
Five years after his wife died,
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Fem år efter hans kone døde
08:03
he finally felt ready
to start dating again.
to start dating again.
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følte han sig endelig klar
til at date igen.
til at date igen.
08:06
He soon met Sharon,
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Snart mødte han Sharon
08:07
and a whirlwind romance ensued.
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og en vild romance fulgte.
08:10
They introduced each other
to their adult children after one month,
to their adult children after one month,
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De præsenterede hinanden for deres
voksne børn efter en måned
voksne børn efter en måned
08:13
and they moved in together after two.
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og flyttede sammen efter to.
08:16
When middle-aged people date,
they don't mess around.
they don't mess around.
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Når midaldrende folk dater,
er der ingen tid at miste.
er der ingen tid at miste.
08:20
It's like "Love, Actually"
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
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Det er som en mix af "Love, Actually"
og "The Fast and the Furious".
og "The Fast and the Furious".
08:23
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
08:26
Miguel was happier
than he had been in years.
than he had been in years.
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Miguel var lykkeligere, end han
havde været i årevis.
havde været i årevis.
08:29
But the night before
their first anniversary,
their first anniversary,
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Men aftenen inden deres
første årsdag
første årsdag
08:32
Sharon left him.
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forlod Sharon ham.
08:34
She had decided to move to the West Coast
to be closer to her children,
to be closer to her children,
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Hun havde besluttet at flytte vestpå
for at være nærmere sine børn,
for at være nærmere sine børn,
08:38
and she didn't want
a long-distance relationship.
a long-distance relationship.
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og hun ville ikke have et
langdistance-forhold.
langdistance-forhold.
08:41
Miguel was totally blindsided
and utterly devastated.
and utterly devastated.
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Miguel var helt overrumplet
og fuldstændig knust.
og fuldstændig knust.
08:46
He barely functioned at work
for many, many months,
for many, many months,
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Han kunne knapt fungere på jobbet
i mange, mange måneder,
i mange, mange måneder,
08:49
and he almost lost his job as a result.
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og mistede næsten sit arbejde
som resultat.
som resultat.
08:52
Another consequence of heartbreak
is that feeling alone and in pain
is that feeling alone and in pain
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En anden konsekvens af hjertesorg er,
at ensomheden og smerten
at ensomheden og smerten
08:56
can significantly impair
our intellectual functioning,
our intellectual functioning,
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kan nedsætte vores intellektuelle
funktioner ret drastisk,
funktioner ret drastisk,
08:59
especially when performing complex tasks
involving logic and reasoning.
involving logic and reasoning.
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særligt under komplekse opgaver,
der kræver logik og fornuft.
der kræver logik og fornuft.
09:04
It temporarily lowers our IQ.
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Det mindsker midlertidigt vores IQ.
09:08
But it wasn't just the intensity
of Miguel's grief
of Miguel's grief
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Men det var ikke kun intensiteten
af Miguels smerte,
af Miguels smerte,
09:11
that confused his employers;
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der forvirrede hans chefer;
09:13
it was the duration.
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det var dens varighed.
09:15
Miguel was confused by this as well
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Det forvirrede også Miguel
09:18
and really quite embarrassed by it.
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og gjorde ham flov.
09:20
"What's wrong with me?"
he asked me in our session.
he asked me in our session.
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"Hvad er der galt med mig?"
spurgte han under en samtale.
spurgte han under en samtale.
09:23
"What adult spends almost a year
getting over a one-year relationship?"
getting over a one-year relationship?"
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"Hvilken voksen person bruger næsten et år
på at komme over et forhold på et år?"
på at komme over et forhold på et år?"
09:27
Actually, many do.
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Det gør mange faktisk.
09:31
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks
of traditional loss and grief:
of traditional loss and grief:
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Hjertesorg deler samme kendetegn
som traditionel sorg og tab:
som traditionel sorg og tab:
09:36
insomnia, intrusive thoughts,
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Søvnløshed, plagende tanker,
09:38
immune system dysfunction.
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problemer med immunforsvaret.
09:40
Forty percent of people experience
clinically measurable depression.
clinically measurable depression.
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40% af de ramte, oplever depression
af klinisk diagnostiserbar grad.
af klinisk diagnostiserbar grad.
09:45
Heartbreak is a complex
psychological injury.
psychological injury.
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Hjertesorg er en kompleks
psykologisk skade.
psykologisk skade.
09:49
It impacts us in a multitude of ways.
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Det påvirker os på en masse måder.
09:52
For example, Sharon was both very social
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For eksempel var Sharon både meget social
09:55
and very active.
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og meget aktiv.
09:56
She had dinners at the house every week.
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Hun holdt middag i huset hver uge.
09:59
She and Miguel went on camping trips
with other couples.
with other couples.
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Hun og Miguel tog på campingture
med andre par.
med andre par.
10:02
Although Miguel was not religious,
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Selvom Miguel ikke var religiøs,
10:04
he accompanied Sharon
to church every Sunday,
to church every Sunday,
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tog han med Sharon i kirke hver søndag,
10:06
where he was welcomed
into the congregation.
into the congregation.
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hvor han blev budt ind i fællesskabet.
10:09
Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;
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Miguel mistede ikke bare en kæreste,
10:12
he lost his entire social life,
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han mistede hele sit sociale liv,
10:15
the supportive community
of Sharon's church.
of Sharon's church.
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det støttende fællesskab i Sharons kirke.
10:17
He lost his identity as a couple.
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Han mistede sin identitet som par.
10:20
Now, Miguel recognized the breakup
had left this huge void in his life,
had left this huge void in his life,
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Nu indså Miguel, at bruddet havde
efterladt et gabende hul i hans liv,
efterladt et gabende hul i hans liv,
10:24
but what he failed to recognize
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men han indså ikke,
10:27
is that it left far more than just one.
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at det havde efterladt mere end bare et.
10:30
And that is crucial,
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Og det er vigtigt,
10:32
not just because it explains
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
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ikke bare fordi det forklarer, hvorfor
hjertesorg kan være så ødelæggende,
hjertesorg kan være så ødelæggende,
10:37
but because it tells us how to heal.
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men fordi det viser os,
hvordan vi kan hele.
hvordan vi kan hele.
10:40
To fix your broken heart,
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For at hele dit knuste hjerte
10:43
you have to identify these voids
in your life and fill them,
in your life and fill them,
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må du identificere disse huller
i dit liv og fylde dem,
i dit liv og fylde dem,
10:46
and I mean all of them.
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og jeg mener dem alle.
10:48
The voids in your identity:
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Hullerne i din identitet.
10:50
you have to reestablish who you are
and what your life is about.
and what your life is about.
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Du må finde ud af, hvem du er
og hvad dit liv handler om.
og hvad dit liv handler om.
10:54
The voids in your social life,
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1712
Hullerne i dit sociale liv,
10:55
the missing activities,
even the empty spaces on the wall
even the empty spaces on the wall
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de manglende aktiviteter, selv de
tomme huller på væggene,
tomme huller på væggene,
10:58
where pictures used to hang.
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1590
hvor der engang hang billeder.
11:01
But none of that will do any good
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Men intet af det vil gavne dig,
11:03
unless you prevent the mistakes
that can set you back,
that can set you back,
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hvis du ikke undgår fejlene,
der sætter dig tilbage:
der sætter dig tilbage:
11:06
the unnecessary searches for explanations,
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2976
den unødvendige søgen på forklaringer,
11:09
idealizing your ex instead of focusing
on how they were wrong for you,
on how they were wrong for you,
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idealisering frem for fokus på
alt det forkerte vedkommende gjorde,
alt det forkerte vedkommende gjorde,
11:13
indulging thoughts and behaviors
that still give them a starring role
that still give them a starring role
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tanker og opførsel, der giver
denne person en hovedrolle
denne person en hovedrolle
11:17
in this next chapter of your life
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i næste del af dit liv,
11:19
when they shouldn't be an extra.
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skønt de end ikke
bør have biroller.
bør have biroller.
11:22
Getting over heartbreak is hard,
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At komme sig over hjertesorg er svært,
11:24
but if you refuse to be misled
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
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men hvis nægter at lade dig forlede
og går i den rigtige retning,
og går i den rigtige retning,
11:29
you can significantly minimize
your suffering.
your suffering.
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kan du mindske din lidelse væsentligt.
11:32
And it won't just be you
who benefit from that.
who benefit from that.
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Og det er ikke kun dig,
det vil komme til gavn.
det vil komme til gavn.
11:34
You'll be more present with your friends,
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Du vil være mere tilstedeværende
med venner,
med venner,
11:36
more engaged with your family,
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mere engageret i din familie.
11:39
not to mention the billions of dollars
of compromised productivity
of compromised productivity
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For ikke at nævne de millioner i
nedsat produktivitet,
nedsat produktivitet,
11:43
in the workplace that could be avoided.
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som kan spares på arbejdspladsen.
11:46
So if you know someone who is heartbroken,
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Kender du nogen med et knust hjerte,
11:49
have compassion,
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så vis medfølelse,
11:50
because social support has been found
to be important for their recovery.
to be important for their recovery.
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for social støtte viser sig at være
vigtig for at komme sig.
vigtig for at komme sig.
11:55
And have patience,
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Og hav tålmodighed
11:57
because it's going to take them longer
to move on than you think it should.
to move on than you think it should.
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for det kommer til at tage længere tid
for dem, end du synes, det burde.
for dem, end du synes, det burde.
12:01
And if you're hurting,
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Og hvis du har ondt,
12:03
know this:
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så husk dette:
12:05
it's difficult, it is a battle
within your own mind,
within your own mind,
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Det er svært. Det er
en kamp i dit sind
en kamp i dit sind
12:08
and you have to be diligent to win.
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og du må være vedholdende for at vinde.
12:10
But you do have weapons.
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Men du har våben.
12:12
You can fight.
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Du kan kæmpe.
12:14
And you will heal.
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Og du vil hele.
12:16
Thank you.
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Tak.
12:17
(Applause)
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(Klapsalve)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com