Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart
가이 윈치: 실연의 상처를 치유하는 법
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
will have our heart broken.
실연을 경험합니다.
when she was in middle school.
결혼 계획을 세웠습니다.
미래의 남편을 만나
마음 먹었죠.
she didn't find a husband.
남편을 만나지 못했습니다.
of harsh chemotherapy
to jump back into the dating world,
돌아갈 준비가 되었을 때,
her search for a husband
마음으로 가득했죠.
on first dates in New York City,
a wide range of emotions.
표현할 줄 알아야 하니깐요.
she met Rich and fell in love.
사랑에 빠졌습니다.
she hoped it would be.
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
레스토랑을 예약했습니다.
생각했던 캐시는
contain her excitement.
to Kathy that night.
프러포즈하지 않았습니다.
for Kathy -- and he did --
실제로도 정말 아꼈죠.
and she now faced yet another recovery.
또 다른 회복에 직면하게 되었죠.
thinking about Rich.
떨칠 수 없었습니다.
and determined woman
emotional resources
of cancer treatments?
없었던 것일까요?
to recover from heartbreak?
허둥대는 것일까요?
of life challenges
when our heart gets broken?
of every age and background
많은 사람을 만났습니다.
동일한 본능이
down the wrong path.
인도하게 됩니다.
what your mind is telling you.
믿을 수 없게 돼버립니다.
of heartbroken people
사람들에 관한 연구를 통해
of why the relationship ended
제대로 파악하는 것은
매우 중요합니다.
for our ability to move on.
and honest explanation
such dramatic emotional pain,
유발합니다.
must be equally dramatic.
찾아냅니다.
and measured of us
and conspiracy theories
음모론을
something must have happened
확신했습니다.
with figuring out what that was.
집착하게 되었습니다.
of that weekend in her mind,
많은 시간을 허비했습니다.
that were not there.
단서를 찾으려 했습니다.
into initiating this wild goose chase.
부질없는 시도를 시작하게 했죠.
for so many months?
이유는 무엇일까요?
than we realize.
간사합니다.
down one rabbit hole after another,
알면서도,
to make us feel worse.
갈팡질팡하는 이유가 있습니다.
in our brain that get activated
약물을 끊을 때
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
동일한 메커니즘이 작용합니다.
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
the methadone of her memories with him.
추억을 메타돈으로 선택했습니다.
she was trying to solve a mystery,
그녀는 미스터리를 풀려고 했지만
so difficult to heal.
치유하기 어렵게 만듭니다.
그 사실을 모릅니다.
you cannot ignore that.
외면하지 마세요.
as compelling as the urge is,
every text you send,
stalking your ex on social media,
보내는 시간은
is your strongest weapon.
당신의 최고의 무기입니다.
that's going to feel satisfying.
당신을 만족시킬 수는 없습니다.
the pain you feel.
근거도 존재하지 않아요.
don't wait for one,
기다리지도 마십시오.
or make up one yourself
스스로 지어내 보세요.
to resist the addiction.
단절이 필요하기 때문입니다.
will feed on your hope
헛된 희망에 기대고,
when your heart is broken.
파괴적으로 작용합니다.
to do the absolute opposite
마음을 편안하게 한다는 것은
we have when our heart is broken
흔히 하는 대표적인 행동이
이상화하는 것입니다.
시간을 보냅니다.
and made love under the stars.
별 밤 아래서 나누었던 사랑.
feel more painful.
더 크게 만뿐입니다.
through one greatest hit after another,
반복재생합니다.
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
pop into your mind.
you have to balance them out
균형을 잡아야 합니다.
not just their smile,
찡그린 표정을 떠올려보세요.
you got lost coming down the mountain,
and didn't speak for two days.
말 한마디 나누지 않았던 일들이요.
is to compile an exhaustive list
좋은 짝이 아니었던 이유를
the person was wrong for you,
낌새가 있거나
of nostalgia in a session,
내비치면
"핸드폰을 봐주세요."
they were perfect.
완벽했다고 말합니다.
and neither was the relationship.
연인관계도 마찬가지였죠.
you have to remind yourself of that,
이 점을 자주 상기시켜야 합니다.
아무도 없습니다.
senior executive in a software company.
소프트웨어 기업의 간부였습니다.
to start dating again.
준비되었다고 느끼게 되었죠.
to their adult children after one month,
서로를 소개했고
they don't mess around.
미적거리지 않아요.
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
"분노의 질주"를 만난 것 같다고 할까요.
than he had been in years.
their first anniversary,
to be closer to her children,
자녀들 곁에서 지내기로 했죠.
a long-distance relationship.
원하지 않았던 겁니다.
and utterly devastated.
엄청난 충격에 빠졌습니다.
for many, many months,
제대로 집중하지 못했습니다.
is that feeling alone and in pain
혼자라는 외로움과 괴로움이
our intellectual functioning,
상당히 손상시키는데 있습니다.
involving logic and reasoning.
복잡한 과제 수행에 지장을 줍니다.
of Miguel's grief
혼란스럽게 한 것은
he asked me in our session.
상담 중 그가 물었습니다.
getting over a one-year relationship?"
극복하지 못한 성인이 있나요?"
of traditional loss and grief:
모든 특징을 공유합니다.
clinically measurable depression.
측정가능할 만큼의 우울증을 경험합니다.
psychological injury.
with other couples.
캠핑을 가곤 했습니다.
to church every Sunday,
into the congregation.
잃은 게 아니었죠.
of Sharon's church.
힘을 준 공동체도 멀어졌죠.
had left this huge void in his life,
남겼음을 깨달았습니다.
남긴다는 사실이었죠.
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
이유가 설명되고
때문입니다.
in your life and fill them,
채워 넣어야합니다.
and what your life is about.
재정립해야 합니다.
even the empty spaces on the wall
사진들을 걸어놓았던
실수를 막으려는 노력 없이는
that can set you back,
불필요한 탐색,
on how they were wrong for you,
대한 생각에 집중하는 대신
that still give them a starring role
새로운 장에서도 주인공 역할을 부여하고
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
치유의 단계를 차근차근 따라간다면
your suffering.
who benefit from that.
당신 혼자만이 아닙니다.
of compromised productivity
to be important for their recovery.
열쇠입니다.
to move on than you think it should.
걸릴 수도 있습니다.
within your own mind,
이별은 마음 속 전쟁이며,
부지런해야 합니다.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com