Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart
盖伊·温奇: 如何愈合一颗破碎的心
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
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will have our heart broken.
when she was in middle school.
就开始为她的婚礼做计划。
she didn't find a husband.
她并没找到丈夫。
of harsh chemotherapy
to jump back into the dating world,
her search for a husband
寻找丈夫这个任务,
on first dates in New York City,
a wide range of emotions.
she met Rich and fell in love.
两人堕入爱河。
she hoped it would be.
甜美的周末后,
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
浪漫餐厅做了预订。
contain her excitement.
to Kathy that night.
并没向凯蒂求婚。
for Kathy -- and he did --
——确实如此——
and she now faced yet another recovery.
现在她又要进行另一个治疗。
thinking about Rich.
想起瑞奇。
and determined woman
意志坚定的女人
emotional resources
of cancer treatments?
to recover from heartbreak?
of life challenges
when our heart gets broken?
of every age and background
以及背景的人
down the wrong path.
误导你步上歧途。
what your mind is telling you.
of heartbroken people
心碎的人的研究显示,
of why the relationship ended
for our ability to move on.
的能力非常重要。
and honest explanation
以及真诚的解释时,
such dramatic emotional pain,
戏剧化的感情伤痛,
must be equally dramatic.
其原因也肯定同样戏剧化。
and measured of us
最理性和最慎重的人
and conspiracy theories
something must have happened
一起度过的浪漫假期时
with figuring out what that was.
猜想到底是什么事儿。
of that weekend in her mind,
那个周末的每一分钟,
that were not there.
不存在的线索。
into initiating this wild goose chase.
开始这徒劳的搜索。
for so many months?
无数个月的时间这么做呢?
than we realize.
更阴险狡诈。
down one rabbit hole after another,
又一个的迷幻世界,
to make us feel worse.
让我们觉得更糟,是有原因的。
in our brain that get activated
鸦片类毒品时是一样的。
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
像海洛因一样的瑞奇,
the methadone of her memories with him.
在一起的回忆当做代替品。
she was trying to solve a mystery,
解开一个谜题,
so difficult to heal.
you cannot ignore that.
你不能坐视不理。
as compelling as the urge is,
无论冲动是多么强大,
every text you send,
每发一条短信,
stalking your ex on social media,
跟踪你的旧爱,
is your strongest weapon.
是你最强大的武器。
that's going to feel satisfying.
让你感到满足。
the pain you feel.
带走你所感受的痛楚。
don't wait for one,
不要再等另一个理论了,
or make up one yourself
或自己捏造一个吧,
to resist the addiction.
来应付你的毒瘾。
will feed on your hope
会继续给你奢望,
when your heart is broken.
有灾难性的破坏力。
to do the absolute opposite
采取跟愈合心碎
we have when our heart is broken
and made love under the stars.
在星光下亲吻的时候。
feel more painful.
损失感到更痛苦。
through one greatest hit after another,
重复那些难忘的经历,
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
音乐播放表所劫持。
pop into your mind.
you have to balance them out
你必须平衡你的记忆片段,
not just their smile,
而不只是他们的笑容,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
你们爬下山时迷路了,
and didn't speak for two days.
两天没跟对方说话。
is to compile an exhaustive list
写出一个详尽的列表,
the person was wrong for you,
对不起你的事,
依然崇拜他们的旧爱,
of nostalgia in a session,
they were perfect.
他们是完美的。
and neither was the relationship.
那段感情也并非如此。
you have to remind yourself of that,
你就必须提醒你自己那个事实,
senior executive in a software company.
的软件公司高级行政人员。
to start dating again.
to their adult children after one month,
成年孩子介绍对方,
they don't mess around.
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
遇上了《速度与激情》一样。
than he had been in years.
都没那么幸福过了。
their first anniversary,
的前一个晚上,
to be closer to her children,
跟她的孩子住得近一点儿,
a long-distance relationship.
and utterly devastated.
并且感到极其悲痛。
for many, many months,
无法正常上班,
is that feeling alone and in pain
寂寞感和心痛
our intellectual functioning,
的智力功能,
involving logic and reasoning.
和推论思考的复杂任务,
of Miguel's grief
he asked me in our session.
他问我这个问题。
getting over a one-year relationship?"
忘记一段一年长的感情呢?”
of traditional loss and grief:
痛失亲友以及悲痛是一样的:
clinically measurable depression.
临床可观察的抑郁症。
psychological injury.
with other couples.
一起去露营。
to church every Sunday,
陪伴莎伦去上教堂,
into the congregation.
of Sharon's church.
had left this huge void in his life,
生活中留下了一个很大的空缺,
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
的伤害可以如此之大,
in your life and fill them,
这些空缺并填补它们,
and what your life is about.
和你的生活目标。
even the empty spaces on the wall
that can set you back,
停滞不前的过错,
on how they were wrong for you,
而是要集中于他们怎么对不起你,
that still give them a starring role
不再把他们捧为明星
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
误导你,并主动采取愈合的行动,
your suffering.
who benefit from that.
of compromised productivity
to be important for their recovery.
对他们的复原非常重要。
to move on than you think it should.
会比你想象中的更长。
within your own mind,
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com