ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.

Why you should listen

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.

His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.

More profile about the speaker
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com
TED2017

Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart

盖伊·温奇: 如何愈合一颗破碎的心

Filmed:
9,818,729 views

在我们一生中的某个时刻,差不多每个人都经历过心碎。试想,要是我们集中更多精力于这个独特的心理创痛,事态的结果将会如何不同。心理学家盖伊·温奇(Guy Winch)向我们揭晓了如果要从心碎中痊愈,我们就必须开始下定决心跟我们崇拜以及寻找不存在的答案的本性搏斗。他也跟我们分享了一些点子,帮助我们最终忘怀感情,继续生活下去。我们的心有时也许破碎了,但我们不需要因心碎而崩溃。
- Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
At some point in our lives生活,
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在我们一生中的某个时刻,
00:14
almost几乎 every一切 one of us
will have our heart broken破碎.
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差不多每个人都经历过心碎。
00:18
My patient患者 Kathy凯西 planned计划 her wedding婚礼
when she was in middle中间 school学校.
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我的病人凯蒂中学时
就开始为她的婚礼做计划。
00:23
She would meet遇到 her future未来 husband丈夫
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她想27岁时就遇见她的
00:25
by age年龄 27,
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未来丈夫,
00:26
get engaged订婚 a year later后来
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一年后订婚,
00:28
and get married已婚 a year after that.
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最后在接下来的一年结婚。
00:31
But when Kathy凯西 turned转身 27,
she didn't find a husband丈夫.
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但是当凯蒂27岁时,
她并没找到丈夫。
00:35
She found发现 a lump in her breast乳房.
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她发现她的乳房有肿块。
00:38
She went through通过 many许多 months个月
of harsh苛刻 chemotherapy化疗
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她必须捱过多个月的严酷化疗
00:41
and painful痛苦 surgeries手术,
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以及痛不欲生的手术,
00:43
and then just as she was ready准备
to jump back into the dating约会 world世界,
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当她准备好重新开始约会时,
00:47
she found发现 a lump in her other breast乳房
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她又发现另一个乳房有肿块,
00:50
and had to do it all over again.
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而又要再重新进行治疗。
00:53
Kathy凯西 recovered恢复, though虽然,
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凯蒂最终康复,
00:54
and she was eager急于 to resume恢复
her search搜索 for a husband丈夫
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她迫不及待地重返
寻找丈夫这个任务,
00:57
as soon不久 as her eyebrows眉毛 grew成长 back in.
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在她的眉毛长回后就立即开始。
01:00
When you're going
on first dates日期 in New York纽约 City,
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你在纽约第一次约会,
01:02
you need to be able能够 to express表现
a wide range范围 of emotions情绪.
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必须能表达多样化的感情。
01:05
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
01:07
Soon不久 afterwards之后,
she met会见 Rich丰富 and fell下跌 in love.
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不久之后,她遇见了瑞奇,
两人堕入爱河。
01:10
The relationship关系 was everything
she hoped希望 it would be.
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这段感情是她梦寐以求的。
01:14
Six months个月 later后来,
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六个月后,
01:15
after a lovely可爱 weekend周末 in New England英国,
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在新英格兰度过了
甜美的周末后,
01:18
Rich丰富 made制作 reservations预订
at their favorite喜爱 romantic浪漫 restaurant餐厅.
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瑞奇在他们最喜欢的
浪漫餐厅做了预订。
01:22
Kathy凯西 knew知道 he was going to propose提出,
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凯蒂知道他将会向她求婚,
01:24
and she could barely仅仅
contain包含 her excitement激动.
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她几乎无法压抑她的兴奋感。
01:28
But Rich丰富 did not propose提出
to Kathy凯西 that night.
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但是那天晚上瑞奇
并没向凯蒂求婚。
01:31
He broke打破 up with her.
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他跟凯蒂分手了。
01:33
As deeply as he cared照顾
for Kathy凯西 -- and he did --
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尽管瑞奇非常关心凯蒂
——确实如此——
01:36
he simply只是 wasn't in love.
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但他就是没爱上凯蒂。
01:39
Kathy凯西 was shattered破灭.
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凯蒂心碎万分。
01:41
Her heart was truly broken破碎,
and she now faced面对 yet然而 another另一个 recovery复苏.
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她的心彻底碎了,
现在她又要进行另一个治疗。
01:46
But five months个月 after the breakup分手,
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但是分手之后过了五个月,
01:49
Kathy凯西 still couldn't不能 stop
thinking思维 about Rich丰富.
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凯蒂还是无法停止
想起瑞奇。
01:52
Her heart was still very much broken破碎.
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她的心仍然破碎不堪。
01:56
The question is:
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问题是:
01:57
Why?
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为什么?
01:59
Why was this incredibly令人难以置信 strong强大
and determined决心 woman女人
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为什么这位异常坚强和
意志坚定的女人
02:03
unable无法 to marshal元帅 the same相同
emotional情绪化 resources资源
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无法重拾四年前帮助她
02:06
that got her through通过 four years年份
of cancer癌症 treatments治疗?
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挺过癌症治疗的心理状态?
02:10
Why do so many许多 of us flounder比目鱼
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为什么我们那么多人
02:12
when we're trying
to recover恢复 from heartbreak心碎?
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在尝试愈合心碎时挣扎不堪?
02:16
Why do the same相同 coping应对 mechanisms机制
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为什么帮助我们应付
02:18
that get us through通过 all kinds
of life challenges挑战
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许多人生挑战的作用机理
02:21
fail失败 us so miserably非常不幸地
when our heart gets得到 broken破碎?
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却在我们心碎时完全无效?
02:25
In over 20 years年份 of private私人的 practice实践,
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在超过20年的私人看诊经历中,
02:28
I have seen看到 people
of every一切 age年龄 and background背景
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我见过来自各个年龄
以及背景的人
02:31
face面对 every一切 manner方式 of heartbreak心碎,
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面对每种类别的心碎,
02:33
and what I've learned学到了 is this:
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而我从中学习到的是:
02:36
when your heart is broken破碎,
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当你心碎时,
02:39
the same相同 instincts本能 you ordinarily按说 rely依靠 on
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你平常所依赖的那些直觉
02:42
will time and again lead you
down the wrong错误 path路径.
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将一次又一次地
误导你步上歧途。
02:46
You simply只是 cannot不能 trust相信
what your mind心神 is telling告诉 you.
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你不能相信自己的直觉。
02:51
For example, we know from studies学习
of heartbroken肠断 people
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举个例子,我们知道有关
心碎的人的研究显示,
02:54
that having a clear明确 understanding理解
of why the relationship关系 ended结束
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清楚了解关系终结的原因
02:57
is really important重要
for our ability能力 to move移动 on.
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对继续向前,不被感情所困
的能力非常重要。
03:01
Yet然而 time and again,
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但是,一次又一次地,
03:03
when we are offered提供 a simple简单
and honest诚实 explanation说明
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当别人告诉我们简单
以及真诚的解释时,
03:06
like the one Rich丰富 offered提供 Kathy凯西,
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如同瑞奇告诉凯蒂的,
03:08
we reject拒绝 it.
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我们会全盘拒绝。
03:10
Heartbreak心碎 creates创建
such这样 dramatic戏剧性 emotional情绪化 pain疼痛,
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心碎制造出如此
戏剧化的感情伤痛,
03:14
our mind心神 tells告诉 us the cause原因
must必须 be equally一样 dramatic戏剧性.
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以致我们的头脑告诉我们
其原因也肯定同样戏剧化。
03:18
And that gut肠道 instinct直觉 is so powerful强大,
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而那直觉是如此强大,
03:21
it can make even the most reasonable合理
and measured测量 of us
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它可导致我们当中
最理性和最慎重的人
03:24
come up with mysteries奥秘
and conspiracy阴谋 theories理论
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想出完全不存在的神秘论和
03:28
where none没有 exist存在.
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阴谋论。
03:30
Kathy凯西 became成为 convinced相信
something must必须 have happened发生
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凯蒂坚信她和瑞奇
一起度过的浪漫假期时
03:32
during her romantic浪漫 getaway逃离 with Rich丰富
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肯定发生了什么
03:34
that soured恶化 him on the relationship关系,
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破坏他们俩感情的事儿,
03:36
and she became成为 obsessed痴迷
with figuring盘算 out what that was.
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导致她无法自拔地
猜想到底是什么事儿。
03:40
And so she spent花费 countless无数 hours小时
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就那样,她花了无数时间
03:42
going through通过 every一切 minute分钟
of that weekend周末 in her mind心神,
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在脑海里重新回顾
那个周末的每一分钟,
03:45
searching搜索 her memory记忆 for clues线索
that were not there.
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尝试在她的记忆里寻找
不存在的线索。
03:50
Kathy's凯西的 mind心神 tricked被骗 her
into initiating启动 this wild野生 goose chase.
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凯蒂的思想哄骗她
开始这徒劳的搜索。
03:54
But what compelled被迫 her to commit承诺 to it
for so many许多 months个月?
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但是又是什么迫使她花
无数个月的时间这么做呢?
03:59
Heartbreak心碎 is far more insidious阴险
than we realize实现.
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心碎比我们意识到的
更阴险狡诈。
04:03
There is a reason原因 we keep going
down one rabbit兔子 hole after another另一个,
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让我们不断地重返一个
又一个的迷幻世界,
04:08
even when we know it's going
to make us feel worse更差.
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就算我们知道这么做只会
让我们觉得更糟,是有原因的。
04:11
Brain studies学习 have shown显示
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大脑研究显示,
04:13
that the withdrawal退出 of romantic浪漫 love
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失去浪漫的爱情
04:15
activates激活 the same相同 mechanisms机制
in our brain that get activated活性
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在我们大脑所引发的作用机理
跟上瘾者停止吸食如可卡因和
鸦片类毒品时是一样的。
04:19
when addicts瘾君子 are withdrawing撤销
from substances物质 like cocaine可卡因 or opioids阿片类药物.
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04:25
Kathy凯西 was going through通过 withdrawal退出.
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凯蒂正经历着戒断期。
04:27
And since以来 she could not have
the heroin海洛因 of actually其实 being存在 with Rich丰富,
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既然她的生活中不能没有了
像海洛因一样的瑞奇,
04:31
her unconscious无意识 mind心神 chose选择
the methadone美 沙 酮 of her memories回忆 with him.
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于是她的潜意识选择把他们在
在一起的回忆当做代替品。
04:37
Her instincts本能 told her
she was trying to solve解决 a mystery神秘,
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她的直觉告诉她在
解开一个谜题,
04:40
but what she was actually其实 doing
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但其实她正在做的
04:41
was getting得到 her fix固定.
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是满足她的“毒瘾”。
04:45
This is what makes品牌 heartbreak心碎
so difficult to heal愈合.
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这也就是心碎那么难痊愈的原因。
04:49
Addicts瘾君子 know they're addicted上瘾.
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吸毒者知道他们上了瘾。
04:51
They know when they're shooting射击 up.
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他们知道他们正在注射毒品。
04:53
But heartbroken肠断 people do not.
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但心碎的人则完全不知情。
04:56
But you do now.
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不过现在你们知道了。
04:58
And if your heart is broken破碎,
you cannot不能 ignore忽视 that.
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如果你的心碎了,
你不能坐视不理。
05:02
You have to recognize认识 that,
as compelling引人注目 as the urge敦促 is,
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你必须承认,
无论冲动是多么强大,
05:06
with every一切 trip down memory记忆 lane车道,
every一切 text文本 you send发送,
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每次重温记忆,
每发一条短信,
05:09
every一切 second第二 you spend
stalking盯梢 your ex on social社会 media媒体,
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每秒你花在社交媒体上
跟踪你的旧爱,
05:13
you are just feeding馈送 your addiction,
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你其实就在满足你的“毒瘾”,
05:15
deepening深化 your emotional情绪化 pain疼痛
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加深你感情上的痛苦,
05:17
and complicating并发 your recovery复苏.
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并使痊愈过程更复杂。
05:20
Getting入门 over heartbreak心碎 is not a journey旅程.
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要愈合心碎并非一个旅程,
05:23
It's a fight斗争, and your reason原因
is your strongest最强 weapon武器.
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而是个斗争,而你的理智
是你最强大的武器。
05:27
There is no breakup分手 explanation说明
that's going to feel satisfying满意的.
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没有任何分手原因将
让你感到满足。
05:31
No rationale合理 can take away
the pain疼痛 you feel.
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没有任何理论可以
带走你所感受的痛楚。
05:34
So don't search搜索 for one,
don't wait for one,
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所以不要再找原因了,
不要再等另一个理论了,
05:37
just accept接受 the one you were offered提供
or make up one yourself你自己
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就接受你已知原因,
或自己捏造一个吧,
05:40
and then put the question to rest休息,
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然后不再继续追究了,
05:42
because you need that closure关闭
to resist the addiction.
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因为你需要的就是这个了结
来应付你的毒瘾。
05:46
And you need something else其他 as well:
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你也需要其它东西:
05:50
you have to be willing愿意 to let go,
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你必须甘心放手,
05:53
to accept接受 that it's over.
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接受一切已经终结了的事实。
05:56
Otherwise除此以外, your mind心神
will feed饲料 on your hope希望
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不然的话,你的潜意识
会继续给你奢望,
05:58
and set you back.
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使你无法前进。
06:01
Hope希望 can be incredibly令人难以置信 destructive有害
when your heart is broken破碎.
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当你心碎时,奢望可以
有灾难性的破坏力。
06:07
Heartbreak心碎 is a master manipulator机械手.
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心碎是个灵巧的操纵者。
06:10
The ease缓解 with which哪一个 it gets得到 our mind心神
to do the absolute绝对 opposite对面
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对我们的头脑来说,
采取跟愈合心碎
06:13
of what we need in order订购 to recover恢复
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完全相反的步骤
06:16
is remarkable卓越.
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是相当容易的。
06:17
One of the most common共同 tendencies倾向
we have when our heart is broken破碎
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我们心碎时最常有的倾向之一
06:21
is to idealize理想化 the person who broke打破 it.
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是崇拜跟我们分手的人。
06:24
We spend hours小时 remembering记忆 their smile微笑,
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我们花无数时间回想起他们的微笑、
06:27
how great they made制作 us feel,
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他们如何让我们感到愉快、
06:29
that time we hiked上调 up the mountain
and made制作 love under the stars明星.
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或者我们一起爬山时
在星光下亲吻的时候。
06:34
All that does is make our loss失利
feel more painful痛苦.
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这些都会让我们为
损失感到更痛苦。
06:38
We know that.
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我们知道这一点。
06:40
Yet然而 we still allow允许 our mind心神 to cycle周期
through通过 one greatest最大 hit击中 after another另一个,
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但我们仍不断地在脑袋里
重复那些难忘的经历,
06:45
like we were being存在 held保持 hostage人质 by our own拥有
passive-aggressive被动-侵略性 SpotifySpotify的 playlist播放列表.
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如同我们被自己被动攻击型的
音乐播放表所劫持。
06:49
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
06:54
Heartbreak心碎 will make those thoughts思念
pop流行的 into your mind心神.
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心碎会让那些想法突然浮现在脑海中。
06:57
And so to avoid避免 idealizing理想化,
you have to balance平衡 them out
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所以为了避免理想化他们的形象,
你必须平衡你的记忆片段,
07:00
by remembering记忆 their frown皱眉,
not just their smile微笑,
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想起他们的愁眉苦脸,
而不只是他们的笑容,
07:04
how bad they made制作 you feel,
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是他们让你感到糟糕,
07:06
the fact事实 that after the lovemaking做爱,
you got lost丢失 coming未来 down the mountain,
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以及事实是,亲吻完后,
你们爬下山时迷路了,
07:10
argued争论 like crazy
and didn't speak说话 for two days.
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然后因此而大吵一架,
两天没跟对方说话。
07:14
What I tell my patients耐心
is to compile an exhaustive详细 list名单
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我建议我的病人
写出一个详尽的列表,
07:18
of all the ways方法
the person was wrong错误 for you,
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说明那个人所做过
对不起你的事,
07:21
all the bad qualities气质, all the pet宠物 peeves眼中钉,
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所有的缺点,所有的怪毛病,
07:23
and then keep it on your phone电话.
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然后存入你的手机内。
07:25
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
07:27
And once一旦 you have your list名单,
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一旦你有这个列表,
07:29
you have to use it.
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就一定要使用它。
07:30
When I hear even a hint暗示 of idealizing理想化
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当我在疗程进行时听到病人
依然崇拜他们的旧爱,
07:33
or the faintest微弱 whiff喷气
of nostalgia怀旧之情 in a session会议,
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或略微缅怀过去,
07:36
I go, "Phone电话, please."
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我就说,“请拿出手机。”
07:38
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
07:41
Your mind心神 will try to tell you
they were perfect完善.
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你的头脑尝试告诉你
他们是完美的。
07:43
But they were not,
and neither也不 was the relationship关系.
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然而他们并非如此,
那段感情也并非如此。
07:46
And if you want to get over them,
you have to remind提醒 yourself你自己 of that,
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如果你要忘却他们,
你就必须提醒你自己那个事实,
07:50
frequently经常.
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并时刻照做。
07:52
None没有 of us is immune免疫的 to heartbreak心碎.
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所有人都会心碎。
07:55
My patient患者 Miguel米格尔 was a 56-year-old-岁
senior前辈 executive行政人员 in a software软件 company公司.
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我的病人米格尔是个56岁
的软件公司高级行政人员。
08:01
Five years年份 after his wife妻子 died死亡,
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他的妻子去世五年后,
08:03
he finally最后 felt ready准备
to start开始 dating约会 again.
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他终于准备好开始一段新恋情。
08:06
He soon不久 met会见 Sharon沙龙,
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他很快遇上了莎伦,
08:07
and a whirlwind旋风 romance浪漫 ensued接踵而至.
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风驰电掣般的爱情随后发生。
08:10
They introduced介绍 each other
to their adult成人 children孩子 after one month,
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一个月后,他们向各自的
成年孩子介绍对方,
08:13
and they moved移动 in together一起 after two.
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并在两个月后开始同居。
08:16
When middle-aged中年 people date日期,
they don't mess食堂 around.
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中年人谈恋爱,认真不随便。
08:20
It's like "Love, Actually其实"
meets符合 "The Fast快速 and the Furious愤怒."
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情况就如电影《真爱至上》
遇上了《速度与激情》一样。
08:23
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
08:26
Miguel米格尔 was happier幸福
than he had been in years年份.
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米格尔好几年
都没那么幸福过了。
08:29
But the night before
their first anniversary周年,
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但是他们第一个周年纪念日
的前一个晚上,
08:32
Sharon沙龙 left him.
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莎伦离开了他。
08:34
She had decided决定 to move移动 to the West西 Coast
to be closer接近 to her children孩子,
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莎伦决定搬去美国西海岸
跟她的孩子住得近一点儿,
08:38
and she didn't want
a long-distance远距离 relationship关系.
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而她不想要谈异地恋爱。
08:41
Miguel米格尔 was totally完全 blindsided盲目
and utterly完全 devastated满目疮痍.
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米格尔对这个消息防不胜防,
并且感到极其悲痛。
08:46
He barely仅仅 functioned运作 at work
for many许多, many许多 months个月,
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连续好几个月,他几乎
无法正常上班,
08:49
and he almost几乎 lost丢失 his job工作 as a result结果.
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他也因此而差一点儿丢了工作。
08:52
Another另一个 consequence后果 of heartbreak心碎
is that feeling感觉 alone单独 and in pain疼痛
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心碎的另一个后遗症是,
寂寞感和心痛
08:56
can significantly显著 impair损害
our intellectual知识分子 functioning功能,
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可以大大地削弱我们
的智力功能,
08:59
especially特别 when performing执行 complex复杂 tasks任务
involving涉及 logic逻辑 and reasoning推理.
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尤其是当我们进行牵涉逻辑
和推论思考的复杂任务,
09:04
It temporarily暂时 lowers降低 our IQ智商.
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心痛会暂时性地降低我们的智商。
09:08
But it wasn't just the intensity强度
of Miguel's米格尔的 grief哀思
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但是使米格尔的雇主纳闷的
09:11
that confused困惑 his employers雇主;
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并非只是他的悲痛程度;
09:13
it was the duration持续时间.
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而是悲痛持续的时间。
09:15
Miguel米格尔 was confused困惑 by this as well
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米格尔也被无法释怀这件事困扰着,
09:18
and really quite相当 embarrassed尴尬 by it.
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并且为此而感到相当尴尬。
09:20
"What's wrong错误 with me?"
he asked me in our session会议.
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“我到底怎么了?治疗期间
他问我这个问题。
09:23
"What adult成人 spends almost几乎 a year
getting得到 over a one-year一年 relationship关系?"
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“哪有成年人花将近一年时间
忘记一段一年长的感情呢?”
09:27
Actually其实, many许多 do.
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其实,很多成年人都这样。
09:31
Heartbreak心碎 shares分享 all the hallmarks特点
of traditional传统 loss失利 and grief哀思:
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心碎的特征跟传统的
痛失亲友以及悲痛是一样的:
09:36
insomnia失眠, intrusive侵入 thoughts思念,
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失眠、侵入性思想、
09:38
immune免疫的 system系统 dysfunction功能障碍.
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免疫系统缺陷。
09:40
Forty四十 percent百分 of people experience经验
clinically临床 measurable可测量 depression萧条.
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百分之四十的人会经历
临床可观察的抑郁症。
09:45
Heartbreak心碎 is a complex复杂
psychological心理 injury.
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心碎是个复杂的心理创伤。
09:49
It impacts影响 us in a multitude of ways方法.
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它在许多方面影响着我们。
09:52
For example, Sharon沙龙 was both very social社会
187
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举个例子,莎伦很爱好交际,
09:55
and very active活性.
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也会经常出去参加社交活动。
09:56
She had dinners晚餐 at the house every一切 week.
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她每个星期都在家里开设晚宴。
09:59
She and Miguel米格尔 went on camping露营 trips旅行
with other couples情侣.
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她和米格尔跟其他情侣
一起去露营。
10:02
Although虽然 Miguel米格尔 was not religious宗教,
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虽然米格尔不信奉任何宗教,
10:04
he accompanied伴随着 Sharon沙龙
to church教会 every一切 Sunday星期日,
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他每个星期日还是会
陪伴莎伦去上教堂,
10:06
where he was welcomed欢迎
into the congregation集合.
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教堂会众也热情地接待他。
10:09
Miguel米格尔 didn't just lose失去 his girlfriend女朋友;
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米格尔不单单失去了他的女朋友;
10:12
he lost丢失 his entire整个 social社会 life,
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他失去了他整个社交生活,
10:15
the supportive支持 community社区
of Sharon's沙龙的 church教会.
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莎伦的教堂这个支持他的团体,
10:17
He lost丢失 his identity身分 as a couple一对.
197
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还失去了身为情侣的身份。
10:20
Now, Miguel米格尔 recognized认可 the breakup分手
had left this huge巨大 void空虚 in his life,
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米格尔意识到分手在他的
生活中留下了一个很大的空缺,
10:24
but what he failed失败 to recognize认识
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但是他没有意识到的是
10:27
is that it left far more than just one.
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分手留下的空缺不只是一个。
10:30
And that is crucial关键,
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那是至关重要的,
10:32
not just because it explains说明
why heartbreak心碎 could be so devastating破坏性的,
202
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因为那不只解释了为什么心碎
的伤害可以如此之大,
10:37
but because it tells告诉 us how to heal愈合.
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也告诉我们可以如何愈合。
10:40
To fix固定 your broken破碎 heart,
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要从心碎中走出来,
10:43
you have to identify鉴定 these voids空隙
in your life and fill them,
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你一定要辨识你生活中
这些空缺并填补它们,
10:46
and I mean all of them.
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我说的是所有空缺。
10:48
The voids空隙 in your identity身分:
207
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你身份上的空缺:
10:50
you have to reestablish重建 who you are
and what your life is about.
208
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你一定要重新建立你的身份
和你的生活目标。
10:54
The voids空隙 in your social社会 life,
209
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你的社交生活上的空缺,
10:55
the missing失踪 activities活动,
even the empty spaces空间 on the wall
210
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不再做的活动,就连墙壁上那个
10:58
where pictures图片 used to hang.
211
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曾经挂着相片的空位。
11:01
But none没有 of that will do any good
212
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但让这一切见效的前提是,
11:03
unless除非 you prevent避免 the mistakes错误
that can set you back,
213
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你必须不再犯下让你
停滞不前的过错,
11:06
the unnecessary不必要 searches搜索 for explanations说明,
214
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不再不必要地去寻找解释,
11:09
idealizing理想化 your ex instead代替 of focusing调焦
on how they were wrong错误 for you,
215
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不再崇拜你的前情侣,
而是要集中于他们怎么对不起你,
11:13
indulging沉迷 thoughts思念 and behaviors行为
that still give them a starring主演 role角色
216
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在这个新的生活篇章中
不再把他们捧为明星
11:17
in this next下一个 chapter章节 of your life
217
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并沉迷于这种思想和行为,
11:19
when they shouldn't不能 be an extra额外.
218
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事实是他们连路人甲都不配做。
11:22
Getting入门 over heartbreak心碎 is hard,
219
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让破碎的心愈合是非常痛苦的事,
11:24
but if you refuse垃圾 to be misled误导
by your mind心神 and you take steps脚步 to heal愈合,
220
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但是如果你拒绝让你的头脑
误导你,并主动采取愈合的行动,
11:29
you can significantly显著 minimize最小化
your suffering痛苦.
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你可以最大限度地降低痛苦。
11:32
And it won't惯于 just be you
who benefit效益 from that.
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你将不会是唯一一个获利的人。
11:34
You'll你会 be more present当下 with your friends朋友,
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你将会花更多时间在你朋友身边,
11:36
more engaged订婚 with your family家庭,
224
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花更多时间跟你的家人在一起,
11:39
not to mention提到 the billions数十亿 of dollars美元
of compromised妥协 productivity生产率
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更别谈上亿万美元可避免的
11:43
in the workplace职场 that could be avoided避免.
226
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工作生产力上的损失。
11:46
So if you know someone有人 who is heartbroken肠断,
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如果你知道有谁心碎了,
11:49
have compassion同情,
228
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要心怀同情,
11:50
because social社会 support支持 has been found发现
to be important重要 for their recovery复苏.
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因为社会的支持被证实
对他们的复原非常重要。
11:55
And have patience忍耐,
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要有耐心,
11:57
because it's going to take them longer
to move移动 on than you think it should.
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因为他们放下感情所需的时间
会比你想象中的更长。
12:01
And if you're hurting伤害,
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还有如果是你的心在痛,
12:03
know this:
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要知道:
12:05
it's difficult, it is a battle战斗
within your own拥有 mind心神,
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要赢得这个在你脑海中的搏斗很难,
12:08
and you have to be diligent勤奋 to win赢得.
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你必须努力才可以赢得这场斗争。
12:10
But you do have weapons武器.
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但是你不是手无寸铁的。
12:12
You can fight斗争.
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你可以战胜它。
12:14
And you will heal愈合.
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你将会痊愈。
12:16
Thank you.
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谢谢。
12:17
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
Translated by Chien Yet Chong
Reviewed by Chan Yuxin

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.

Why you should listen

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.

His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.

More profile about the speaker
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com

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