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Heidi Grant: How to ask for help -- and get a "yes"
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Asking for help is tough. But to get through life, you have to do it all the time. So how do you get comfortable asking? In this actionable talk, social psychologist Heidi Grant shares four simple rules for asking for help and getting it -- while making the process more rewarding for your helper, too.
Heidi Grant - Social psychologist
Heidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making. Full bio
Heidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
So, asking for help
is basically the worst, right?
is basically the worst, right?
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I've actually never seen it
on one of those top ten lists
on one of those top ten lists
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of things people fear,
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like public speaking
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and death,
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but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.
it actually belongs there.
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Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,
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whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker
or a friend or from a coworker
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or even from a stranger,
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somehow it always feel just a little bit
uncomfortable and embarrassing
uncomfortable and embarrassing
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to actually ask for help,
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which is, of course, why most of us
try to avoid asking for help
try to avoid asking for help
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whenever humanly possible.
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My father was one of those
legions of fathers
legions of fathers
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who, I swear, would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp
through an alligator-infested swamp
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than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.
getting back to the road.
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01:07
When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.
we took a family vacation.
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We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg.
to Colonial Williamsburg.
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And I remember we got really badly lost.
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My mother and I pleaded with him
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to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,
for directions back to the highway,
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and he absolutely refused,
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and, in fact, assured us
that we were not lost,
that we were not lost,
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he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.
what was over here.
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(Laughter)
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So if we're going to ask for help --
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and we have to, we all do,
practically every day --
practically every day --
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the only way we're going to even begin
to get comfortable with it
to get comfortable with it
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is to get good at it,
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to actually increase the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,
that when you ask for help from someone,
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they're actually going to say yes.
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And not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying
to find it actually satisfying
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and rewarding to help you,
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because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.
to continue to help you into the future.
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02:02
So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done
and some of my colleagues have done
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has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes
that sometimes people say yes
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to our requests for help
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and why sometimes they say no.
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02:13
Now let me just start by saying right now:
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if you need help,
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you are going to have to ask for it.
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Out loud.
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OK?
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We all, to some extent, suffer
from something that psychologists call
from something that psychologists call
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"the illusion of transparency" --
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basically, the mistaken belief
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that our thoughts
and our feelings and our needs
and our feelings and our needs
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are really obvious to other people.
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This is not true, but we believe it.
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And so, we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs
waiting for someone to notice our needs
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and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.
to help us with it.
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This is a really, really bad assumption.
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In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,
to tell what your needs are,
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but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand
often struggle to understand
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how they can support you.
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My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit
had to adopt a habit
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of asking me multiple times a day,
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"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"
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because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.
when I need someone's help.
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Now, he is more patient than I deserve
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and much more proactive,
much more, about helping
much more, about helping
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than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.
to expect other people to be.
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So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it.
to have to ask for it.
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And by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,
can tell that you need help,
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how do they know that you want it?
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Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who, it turns out,
to someone who, it turns out,
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did not actually want your help
in the first place?
in the first place?
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They get nasty real quick, don't they?
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The other day -- true story --
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my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school,
was getting dressed for school,
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and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.
some unsolicited help about that.
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(Laughter)
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I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.
in brighter colors.
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She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones.
more neutral tones.
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And so I said, very helpfully,
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that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs
she could go back upstairs
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and try to find something
a little less somber.
a little less somber.
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04:02
(Laughter)
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So, if looks could kill,
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I would not be standing here right now.
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04:09
We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us
just spontaneously offering to help us
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when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.
that that's what is wanted.
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In fact, actually, research shows
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that 90 percent of the help that coworkers
give one another in the workplace
give one another in the workplace
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is in response
to explicit requests for help.
to explicit requests for help.
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So you're going to have to say
the words "I need your help." Right?
the words "I need your help." Right?
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There's no getting around it.
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Now, to be good at it,
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to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,
help you when you ask for it,
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there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.
that are very helpful to keep in mind.
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First thing: when you ask for help,
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be very, very specific
about the help you want and why.
about the help you want and why.
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Vague, sort of indirect requests for help
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actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?
to the helper, right?
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We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,
what it is you want from us,
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and, just as important,
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we don't know whether or not
we can be successful
we can be successful
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in giving you the help.
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Nobody wants to give bad help.
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05:07
Like me, you probably get
some of these requests
some of these requests
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from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn
strangers on LinkedIn
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who want to do things like
"get together over coffee and connect"
"get together over coffee and connect"
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or "pick your brain."
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05:21
I ignore these requests
literally every time.
literally every time.
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And it's not that I'm not a nice person.
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It's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,
what it is you want from me,
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like the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide,
you're hoping that can I provide,
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I'm not interested.
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Nobody is.
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I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said
if they had just come out and said
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whatever it is was
they were hoping to get from me,
they were hoping to get from me,
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because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.
something specific in mind.
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So go ahead and say,
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"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"
to work in your company,"
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or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project
a joint research project
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in an area I know you're interested in,"
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or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."
on getting into medical school."
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Technically, I can't help you
with that last one
with that last one
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because I'm not that kind of doctor,
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but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.
of someone who could.
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OK, second tip.
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This is really important:
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please avoid disclaimers,
apologies and bribes.
apologies and bribes.
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Really, really important.
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Do any of these sound familiar?
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(Clears throat)
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'I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this."
that I have to ask you for this."
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"I really hate bothering you with this."
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"If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would."
without your help, I would."
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(Laughter)
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Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove
are so eager to prove
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that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,
when they ask your for help,
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they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable
on how uncomfortable
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they're making you feel.
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And by the way -- how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you
to find it satisfying to help you
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if you really hated
having to ask me for help?
having to ask me for help?
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And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable
perfectly acceptable
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to pay strangers to do things for you,
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you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing
when it comes to incentivizing
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your friends and coworkers.
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When you have a relationship with someone,
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helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.
a natural part of that relationship.
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It's how we show one another that we care.
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If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,
or payments into that,
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what can happen is, it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,
like it isn't a relationship,
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it's a transaction.
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And that actually
is experienced as distancing,
is experienced as distancing,
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which, ironically, makes people
less likely to help you.
less likely to help you.
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So a spontaneous gift
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after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude --
to show your appreciation and gratitude --
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perfectly fine.
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An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment
to help you move into your new apartment
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is not.
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OK, third rule,
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and I really mean this one:
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please do not ask for help
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over email or text.
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Really, seriously, please don't.
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Email and text are impersonal.
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I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,
there's no alternative,
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but mostly what happens is,
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we like to ask for help
over email and text
over email and text
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because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.
for us to do so.
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You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?
less awkward over email and text?
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Telling you no.
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And it turns out, there's
research to support this.
research to support this.
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In-person requests for help
are 30 times more likely to get a yes
are 30 times more likely to get a yes
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than a request made by email.
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So when something is really important
and you really need someone's help,
and you really need someone's help,
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make face time to make the request,
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or use your phone as a phone --
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(Laughter)
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to ask for the help that you need.
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OK.
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Last one, and this is actually
a really, really important one
a really, really important one
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and probably the one
that is most overlooked
that is most overlooked
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when it comes to asking for help:
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when you ask someone
for their help and they say yes,
for their help and they say yes,
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follow up with them afterward.
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There's a common misconception
that what's rewarding about helping
that what's rewarding about helping
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is the act of helping itself.
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This is not true.
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What is rewarding about helping
is knowing that your help landed,
is knowing that your help landed,
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that it had impact,
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that you were effective.
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If I have no idea
how my help affected you,
how my help affected you,
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how am I supposed to feel about it?
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09:14
This happened; I was a university
professor for many years,
professor for many years,
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I wrote lots and lots
of letters of recommendation
of letters of recommendation
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for people to get jobs
or to go into graduate school.
or to go into graduate school.
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And probably about 95 percent of them,
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I have no idea what happened.
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Now, how do I feel about the time
and effort I took to do that,
and effort I took to do that,
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when I really have no idea
if I helped you,
if I helped you,
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if it actually helped you
get the thing that you wanted?
get the thing that you wanted?
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In fact, this idea of feeling effective
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is part of why certain kinds
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --
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because they allow you
to really vividly imagine
to really vividly imagine
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the effect that your help
is going to have.
is going to have.
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Take something like DonorsChoose.
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You go online, you can choose
the individual teacher by name
the individual teacher by name
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whose classroom you're going
to be able to help
to be able to help
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by literally buying the specific
items they've requested,
items they've requested,
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like microscopes or laptops
or flexible seating.
or flexible seating.
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An appeal like that makes it
so easy for me to imagine
so easy for me to imagine
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the good that my money will do,
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that I actually get
an immediate sense of effectiveness
an immediate sense of effectiveness
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the minute I commit to giving.
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But you know what else they do?
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They follow up.
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Donors actually get letters
from the kids in the classroom.
from the kids in the classroom.
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They get pictures.
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They get to know
that they made a difference.
that they made a difference.
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And this is something we need
to all be doing in our everyday lives,
to all be doing in our everyday lives,
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especially if we want people
to continue to give us help
to continue to give us help
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over the long term.
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Take time to tell your colleague
that the help that they gave you
that the help that they gave you
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really helped you land that big sale,
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or helped you get that interview
that you were really hoping to get.
that you were really hoping to get.
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Take time to tell your partner
that the support they gave you
that the support they gave you
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really made it possible for you
to get through a tough time.
to get through a tough time.
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Take time to tell your catsitter
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that you're super happy
that for some reason,
that for some reason,
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this time the cats didn't break
anything while you were away,
anything while you were away,
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and so they must have done
a really good job.
a really good job.
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The bottom line is:
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I know -- believe me, I know --
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that it is not easy to ask for help.
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We are all a little bit afraid to do it.
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It makes us feel vulnerable.
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But the reality of modern work
and modern life
and modern life
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is that nobody does it alone.
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Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.
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More than ever, we actually do
have to rely on other people,
have to rely on other people,
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on their support and collaboration,
in order to be successful.
in order to be successful.
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So when you need help,
ask for it out loud.
ask for it out loud.
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And when you do, do it in a way
that increases your chances
that increases your chances
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that you'll get a yes
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and makes the other person
feel awesome for having helped you,
feel awesome for having helped you,
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because you both deserve it.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Heidi Grant - Social psychologistHeidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making.
Why you should listen
Dr. Heidi Grant is the Chief Science Officer for the Neuroleadership Institute, Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University, and author of six best-selling books, including: Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, No One Understands You and What to Do About It and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently. In 2017, Grant was named one of Thinkers50's most influential management thinkers globally.
Heidi Grant | Speaker | TED.com