Heidi Grant: How to ask for help -- and get a "yes"
היידי גראנט: איך לבקש עזרה ולקבל "כן"
Heidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
is basically the worst, right?
on one of those top ten lists
באחד מאותם רשימות עשרת הדברים
it actually belongs there.
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,
שנפחד להודות בכך שאנחנו זקוקים לעזרה,
or a friend or from a coworker
uncomfortable and embarrassing
try to avoid asking for help
מנסים להימנע מבקשת עזרה
legions of fathers
through an alligator-infested swamp
דרך ביצה מלאה בתנינים
getting back to the road.
we took a family vacation.
to Colonial Williamsburg.
לוויליאמסבורג הקולוניאלית.
for directions back to the highway,
הכוונה חזרה לכביש המהיר,
that we were not lost,
what was over here.
practically every day --
כמעט בכל יום --
to get comfortable with it
להתחיל להרגיש בנוח עם זה
that when you ask for help from someone,
שכשתבקשו עזרה ממישהו,
to find it actually satisfying
to continue to help you into the future.
להמשיך לעזור לכם בעתיד.
and some of my colleagues have done
that sometimes people say yes
לפעמים אנשים אומרים כן
from something that psychologists call
שהפסיכולוגים קוראים לו
and our feelings and our needs
waiting for someone to notice our needs
שמישהו ישים לב לצרכים שלנו
to help us with it.
to tell what your needs are,
מה הצרכים שלכם,
often struggle to understand
לרוב מתקשים להבין
had to adopt a habit
when I need someone's help.
כשאני צריכה עזרה ממישהו.
much more, about helping
to expect other people to be.
את הזכות לצפות מאחרים.
to have to ask for it.
אתם חייבים לבקש אותה.
can tell that you need help,
שאתם זקוקים לעזרה,
to someone who, it turns out,
שלא ביקש את עזרתכם
in the first place?
את העזרה שלכם מלכתחילה?
was getting dressed for school,
some unsolicited help about that.
עזרה יזומה בעניין.
in brighter colors.
more neutral tones.
she could go back upstairs
a little less somber.
just spontaneously offering to help us
על כך שאינם מציעים לנו עזרה באופן ספונטני
that that's what is wanted.
give one another in the workplace
נותנים אחד לשני במקום העבודה
to explicit requests for help.
the words "I need your help." Right?
"אני זקוק לעזרתך",
help you when you ask for it,
כשאתם מבקשים עזרה,
that are very helpful to keep in mind.
about the help you want and why.
שאתם רוצים ולמה.
to the helper, right?
what it is you want from us,
we can be successful
some of these requests
strangers on LinkedIn
"get together over coffee and connect"
"להיפגש על כוס קפה ולהתחבר"
literally every time.
what it is you want from me,
you're hoping that can I provide,
if they had just come out and said
אם הם פשוט היו באים ומבקשים
they were hoping to get from me,
something specific in mind.
to work in your company,"
בחברה שלך",
a joint research project
on getting into medical school."
לגבי קבלה לבית ספר לרפואה."
with that last one
of someone who could.
למישהו שכן יכול.
apologies and bribes.
that I have to ask you for this."
without your help, I would."
הייתי עושה זאת".
are so eager to prove
כל כך להוטים להוכיח
when they ask your for help,
כשהם מבקשים את עזרתך,
on how uncomfortable
to find it satisfying to help you
מהגשת עזרה לכם
having to ask me for help?
perfectly acceptable
when it comes to incentivizing
כשמדובר במתן תמריץ
a natural part of that relationship.
של אותה מערכת יחסים.
or payments into that,
like it isn't a relationship,
כאילו זו לא מערכת יחסים,
is experienced as distancing,
less likely to help you.
לרצות לעזור לך עוד פחות.
to show your appreciation and gratitude --
להפגין את הערכתם או הכרת התודה שלכם --
to help you move into your new apartment
שיעזור לך לעבור לדירה חדשה
there's no alternative,
over email and text
for us to do so.
less awkward over email and text?
באימייל או בטקסט?
research to support this.
are 30 times more likely to get a yes
סבירות של פי 30 שתקבלו כן
and you really need someone's help,
ואתם ממש צריכים עזרה ממישהו,
a really, really important one
that is most overlooked
for their help and they say yes,
that what's rewarding about helping
הדבר המתגמל במתן עזרה
is knowing that your help landed,
שהעזרה שלכם נחתה,
how my help affected you,
professor for many years,
כפרופסור באוניברסיטה במשך שנים,
of letters of recommendation
or to go into graduate school.
או להתקבל לתואר שני.
and effort I took to do that,
שהשקעתי לעשות את זה,
if I helped you,
get the thing that you wanted?
של תחושת אפקטיביות
of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --
של פניות לתרומה הן כל כך משכנעות --
to really vividly imagine
is going to have.
the individual teacher by name
יכולים לבחור את המורה הספציפי בשם
to be able to help
items they've requested,
ממש שהם ביקשו.
or flexible seating.
כיסאות ארגונומטריים.
so easy for me to imagine
an immediate sense of effectiveness
תחושה מיידית של אפקטיביות
from the kids in the classroom.
that they made a difference.
to all be doing in our everyday lives,
to continue to give us help
ימשיכו להעניק לנו עזרה
that the help that they gave you
העזרה שהם העניקו לכם
העסקה המשמעותית ההיא,
that you were really hoping to get.
שממש קיוויתם לקבל.
that the support they gave you
שהתמיכה שהעניקו לכם
to get through a tough time.
that for some reason,
anything while you were away,
בזמן שהייתם בחופשה.
a really good job.
and modern life
והחיים המודרניים
have to rely on other people,
חייבים להסתמך על אחרים,
in order to be successful.
ask for it out loud.
that increases your chances
שתגדיל את הסיכויים שלכם
feel awesome for having helped you,
להרגיש מעולה על כך שעזר לכם,
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Heidi Grant - Social psychologistHeidi Grant researches, writes and speaks about the science of motivation, influence and decision-making.
Why you should listen
Dr. Heidi Grant is the Chief Science Officer for the Neuroleadership Institute, Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia University, and author of six best-selling books, including: Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, No One Understands You and What to Do About It and Nine Things Successful People Do Differently. In 2017, Grant was named one of Thinkers50's most influential management thinkers globally.
Heidi Grant | Speaker | TED.com