TED2014
Jennifer Senior: For parents, happiness is a very high bar
Jennifer Senior: Za roditelje, sreća je visoko postavljena letvica
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Odjeljak u knjižari s knjigama o roditeljstvu je poražavajuće velik - to je "ogroman šareni spomenik našoj kolektivnoj panici", kao što to kaže spisateljica Jennifer Senior. Zašto je roditeljstvo ispunjeno s toliko tjeskobe? Zato što je cilj modernog roditelja iz srednje klase - odgojiti sretno dijete - toliko teško dohvatljiv. U ovom iskrenom govoru, ona nudi neke suosjećajnije i lakše dostižne ciljeve.
Jennifer Senior - Writer
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
In her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
When I was born,
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Kada sam se ja rodila,
00:14
there was really only one book
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postojala je samo jedna knjiga
00:15
about how to raise your children,
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o odgoju djece.
00:17
and it was written by Dr. Spock.
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Njezin autor je dr. Spock.
00:20
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
00:22
Thank you for indulging me.
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Hvala što mi podilazite,
00:23
I have always wanted to do that.
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oduvijek sam željela ovo učiniti.
00:27
No, it was Benjamin Spock,
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Bio je to Benjamin Spock,
00:29
and his book was called "The Common
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
Sense Book of Baby And Child Care."
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a njegova knjiga se zvala
"Odgoj i njega djeteta"
"Odgoj i njega djeteta"
00:33
It sold almost 50 million copies
by the time he died.
by the time he died.
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Knjiga se prodala u gotovo 50 milijuna primjeraka prije njegove smrti.
00:39
Today, I, as the mother of a six-year-old,
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Danas, kada kao majka šestogodišnjaka
00:42
walk into Barnes and Noble,
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uđem u knjižaru Barnes and Noble,
00:44
and see this.
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ugledam ovo.
00:47
And it is amazing
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Nevjerojatna je raznolikost knjiga
00:49
the variety that one finds
on those shelves.
on those shelves.
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koju možete pronaći na tim policama.
00:52
There are guides to raising
an eco-friendly kid,
an eco-friendly kid,
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Postoje vodiči za odgoj
ekološki osvještenog djeteta,
ekološki osvještenog djeteta,
00:57
a gluten-free kid,
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djeteta s bezglutenskom prehranom
00:59
a disease-proof kid,
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djeteta otpornog na bolesti
01:01
which, if you ask me, is a little bit creepy.
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što je, ako se mene pita, pomalo jezivo.
01:05
There are guides to raising a bilingual kid
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Postoje vodiči za odgoj dvojezičnog djeteta
01:08
even if you only speak one language at home.
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čak i ako se kod kuće govori samo jedan jezik.
01:11
There are guides to raising a financially savvy kid
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Postoje vodiči za odgoj
financijski pametnog djeteta
financijski pametnog djeteta
01:14
and a science-minded kid
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i znanstveno orijentiranog djeteta
01:17
and a kid who is a whiz at yoga.
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te djeteta koje je ekspert za jogu.
01:20
Short of teaching your toddler how to defuse
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Osim možda priručnika kako naučiti dijete
01:23
a nuclear bomb,
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da onesposobi atomsku bombu,
01:25
there is pretty much a guide to everything.
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postoji vodič više manje za sve ostalo.
01:31
All of these books are well-intentioned.
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Sve ove knjige su dobronamjerne.
01:34
I am sure that many of them are great.
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Sigurna sam da su mnoge od njih izvrsne.
01:38
But taken together, I am sorry,
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No sve u svemu, žao mi je,
01:42
I do not see help
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ali ne vidim pomoć
01:45
when I look at that shelf.
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kada pogledam tu policu.
01:49
I see anxiety.
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Vidim anksioznost.
01:51
I see a giant candy-colored monument
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Vidim ogroman šareni spomenik
01:54
to our collective panic,
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našoj kolektivnoj panici
01:57
and it makes me want to know,
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zbog kojeg želim znati
01:59
why is it that raising our children
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zbog čega je odgoj naše djece
02:02
is associated with so much anguish
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povezan s toliko tjeskobe
02:03
and so much confusion?
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i toliko nedoumica?
02:06
Why is it that we are at sixes and sevens
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I zašto smo na sto muka
02:08
about the one thing human beings
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zbog nečeg što su ljudska bića
02:11
have been doing successfully for millennia,
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uspješno činila tisućljećima,
02:13
long before parenting message boards
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mnogo prije foruma o roditeljstvu
02:16
and peer-reviewed studies came along?
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i znanstveno recenziranih istraživanja?
02:19
Why is it that so many mothers and fathers
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Zašto toliko majki i očeva
02:21
experience parenthood as a kind of crisis?
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doživljava roditeljstvo kao neku vrstu krize?
02:28
Crisis might seem like a strong word,
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Kriza možda zvuči kao prejaka riječ,
02:30
but there is data suggesting it probably isn't.
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no postoje podaci koji govore suprotno.
02:33
There was, in fact, a paper of just this very name,
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Postoji znanstveni rad upravo ovakvog naslova,
02:36
"Parenthood as Crisis," published in 1957,
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"Roditeljstvo kao kriza", objavljen 1957. godine
02:40
and in the 50-plus years since,
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te je u preko 50 narednih godina
02:42
there has been plenty of scholarship
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mnoštvo znanstvenika
02:45
documenting a pretty clear pattern
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zabilježilo prilično jasan obrazac
02:47
of parental anguish.
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roditeljske tjeskobe.
02:49
Parents experience more stress than non-parents.
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Roditelji doživljavaju više
stresa nego oni koji nisu roditelji.
stresa nego oni koji nisu roditelji.
02:52
Their marital satisfaction is lower.
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Njihovo zadovoljstvo u braku je niže.
02:55
There have been a number of studies
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Mnoga istraživanja
02:57
looking at how parents feel
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su ispitivala kako se osjećaju roditelji
02:58
when they are spending time with their kids,
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kada provode vrijeme s djecom
03:00
and the answer often is, not so great.
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i rezultati često nisu bili bajni.
03:04
Last year, I spoke with a researcher
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Prošle godine sam
razgovarala sa znanstvenikom
razgovarala sa znanstvenikom
03:06
named Matthew Killingsworth
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Matthewom Killingsworthom
03:08
who is doing a very, very imaginative project
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koji radi na vrlo maštovitom projektu
03:11
that tracks people's happiness,
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koji prati ljudsku sreću.
03:13
and here is what he told me he found:
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Evo što mi je rekao da je otkrio:
03:17
"Interacting with your friends
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"Interakcija s prijateljima
03:19
is better than interacting with your spouse,
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je bolja od interakcije sa supružnikom
03:22
which is better than interacting with other relatives,
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koja je bolja od interakcije s rodbinom
03:25
which is better than interacting with acquaintances,
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koja je bolja od interakcije s poznanicima
03:28
which is better than interacting with parents,
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koja je bolja od interakcije s roditeljima
03:31
which is better than interacting with children.
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koja je bolja od interakcije s djecom
03:35
Who are on par with strangers."
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koji su na istoj razini sa strancima."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:41
But here's the thing.
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Ali evo u čemu je stvar.
03:44
I have been looking at what underlies these data
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Tri godine sam proučavala
03:47
for three years,
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podlogu ovih podataka
03:49
and children are not the problem.
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i problem nije u djeci.
03:52
Something about parenting right now at this moment
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Nešto u roditeljstvu danas,
upravo u ovom trenutku
upravo u ovom trenutku
03:57
is the problem.
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je problem.
03:59
Specifically, I don't think we know
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Konkretno, mislim da ne znamo
04:01
what parenting is supposed to be.
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što bi roditeljstvo trebalo biti.
04:04
Parent, as a verb,
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Roditeljstvo kao glagol (parent) u engleskom
04:06
only entered common usage in 1970.
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je u upotrebi tek od 1970.
04:10
Our roles as mothers and fathers have changed.
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Naše uloge majki i očeva su se promijenile.
04:14
The roles of our children have changed.
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Promijenile su se i uloge naše djece.
04:17
We are all now furiously improvising
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Svi mi mahnito improviziramo
04:19
our way through a situation
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snalazeći se u situacijama
04:21
for which there is no script,
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za koje nema scenarija
04:24
and if you're an amazing jazz musician,
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i ako ste vrhunski jazz glazbenik
04:26
then improv is great,
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improviziranje je sjajno,
04:29
but for the rest of us,
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ali nama ostalima
04:31
it can kind of feel like a crisis.
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može izgledati kao kriza.
04:35
So how did we get here?
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Kako smo se našli u ovoj situaciji?
04:37
How is it that we are all now navigating
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Kako se dogodilo da se pokušavamo snaći
04:40
a child-rearing universe
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u odgoju djece
04:41
without any norms to guide us?
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bez ikakvih pravila da nas vode?
04:44
Well, for starters, there has been
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Za početak, dogodila se
04:46
a major historical change.
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značajna povijesna promjena.
04:48
Until fairly recently,
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Do nedavno,
04:50
kids worked, on our farms primarily,
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djeca su radila, prvenstveno na našim farmama,
04:54
but also in factories, mills, mines.
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ali i u tvornicama, mlinovima, rudnicima.
04:57
Kids were considered economic assets.
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Djeca su bila imovina.
05:00
Sometime during the Progressive Era,
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Početkom 20. stoljeća
05:02
we put an end to this arrangement.
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stali smo na kraj ovakvom uređenju.
05:03
We recognized kids had rights,
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Priznali smo prava djece,
05:06
we banned child labor,
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zabranili da djeca rade,
05:07
we focused on education instead,
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usredotočili se na obrazovanje
05:10
and school became a child's new work.
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te je škola postala novo radno mjesto djeteta.
05:13
And thank God it did.
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I hvala Bogu na tome.
05:15
But that only made a parent's role
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No time je uloga roditelja
05:17
more confusing in a way.
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postala još više zbunjujuća.
05:19
The old arrangement might not have been
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Staro uređenje možda nije bilo
05:20
particularly ethical, but it was reciprocal.
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izrazito etično, ali je bilo recipročno.
05:24
We provided food, clothing, shelter,
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Djeci smo pružili hranu, odjeću, utočište
05:26
and moral instruction to our kids,
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i upute za moralno ponašanje,
05:28
and they in return provided income.
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a ona su zauzvrat stvarala prihod.
05:34
Once kids stopped working,
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Kada su djeca prestala raditi,
05:36
the economics of parenting changed.
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ekonomska računica roditeljstva se promijenila.
05:39
Kids became, in the words of one
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Djeca su postala, riječima jednog
05:42
brilliant if totally ruthless sociologist,
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briljantnog makar potpuno surovog sociologa,
05:45
"economically worthless but emotionally priceless."
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"ekonomski bezvrijedna, ali emocionalno neprocjenjiva."
05:50
Rather than them working for us,
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Pa radije nego da oni rade za nas,
05:52
we began to work for them,
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mi smo počeli raditi za njih
05:54
because within only a matter of decades
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te je kroz samo nekoliko desetljeća
05:56
it became clear:
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postalo jasno:
05:57
if we wanted our kids to succeed,
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ako želimo da naša djeca budu uspješna,
06:00
school was not enough.
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škola nije dovoljna.
06:03
Today, extracurricular activities are a kid's new work,
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Danas su izvannastavne
aktivnosti novi posao djeteta,
aktivnosti novi posao djeteta,
06:07
but that's work for us too,
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ali to je i naš posao
06:09
because we are the ones
driving them to soccer practice.
driving them to soccer practice.
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jer ih mi razvozimo na sportske aktivnosti.
Ogromne hrpe domaćih zadaća
su novi posao djeteta,
su novi posao djeteta,
06:12
Massive piles of homework are a kid's new work,
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06:15
but that's also work for us,
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ali to je također i posao za nas
06:17
because we have to check it.
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jer ih mi moramo provjeriti.
06:19
About three years ago, a Texas woman
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Prije otprilike tri godine, jedna teksašanka
06:21
told something to me
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mi je rekla nešto
06:22
that totally broke my heart.
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što mi je slomilo srce.
06:26
She said, almost casually,
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Rekla je, gotovo usputno,
06:30
"Homework is the new dinner."
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"Domaća zadaća je večera današnjeg doba"
06:34
The middle class now pours all of its time
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Pripadnici srednjeg sloja
ulažu svo svoje vrijeme,
ulažu svo svoje vrijeme,
06:37
and energy and resources into its kids,
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energiju i resurse u svoju djecu,
iako pripadnici srednjeg sloja
06:40
even though the middle class
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06:41
has less and less of those things to give.
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imaju sve manje tih stvari za dati."
06:45
Mothers now spend more time with their children
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Majke danas provode
više vremena sa svojom djecom,
više vremena sa svojom djecom,
06:48
than they did in 1965,
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nego što su ga provodile 1965.
06:51
when most women were not even in the workforce.
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kada većina žena nije niti bila zaposlena.
Za roditelje bi vjerojatno bilo jednostavnije
06:56
It would probably be easier for parents
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06:58
to do their new roles
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da izvršavaju svoje nove uloge
07:00
if they knew what they were preparing their kids for.
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kada bi znali za što pripremaju djecu.
Ovo je još jedna od
stvari koja čini moderno roditeljstvo
stvari koja čini moderno roditeljstvo
07:03
This is yet another thing that
makes modern parenting
makes modern parenting
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07:06
so very confounding.
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tako zbunjujućim.
07:08
We have no clue what portion our wisdom, if any,
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Nemamo pojma koji je
dio naše mudrosti, ako ikoji,
dio naše mudrosti, ako ikoji,
07:11
is of use to our kids.
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koristan našoj djeci.
07:13
The world is changing so rapidly,
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Svijet se mijenja toliko brzo
07:15
it's impossible to say.
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da je to nemoguće znati.
Ovo je bila istina čak i kad sam ja bila mlada.
07:17
This was true even when I was young.
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07:19
When I was a kid, high school specifically,
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Kada sam ja bila dijete, točnije srednjoškolka,
07:22
I was told that I would be at sea
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rečeno mi je da ću biti izgubljena
07:24
in the new global economy
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u novoj globalnoj ekonomiji
07:26
if I did not know Japanese.
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ako ne budem znala Japanski.
07:30
And with all due respect to the Japanese,
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I uz svo dužno poštovanje prema Japancima,
07:33
it didn't turn out that way.
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nije baš tako ispalo.
Danas postoje tipovi roditelja srednjeg sloja
07:35
Now there is a certain kind of middle-class parent
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07:37
that is obsessed with teaching their kids Mandarin,
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koji su opsjednuti idejom
da nauče djecu mandarinski kineski
da nauče djecu mandarinski kineski
07:40
and maybe they're onto something,
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i možda su na pravom tragu,
07:43
but we cannot know for sure.
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ali ne možemo sa sigurnošću znati.
07:45
So, absent being able to anticipate the future,
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Tako, iako ne možemo predvidjeti budućnost,
07:48
what we all do, as good parents,
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ono što svi činimo, kao dobri roditelji,
07:51
is try and prepare our kids
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je da pokušavamo pripremiti našu djecu
07:53
for every possible kind of future,
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za sve moguće tipove budućnosti
07:56
hoping that just one of our efforts will pay off.
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u nadi da će se bar dio
našeg truda isplatiti.
našeg truda isplatiti.
08:00
We teach our kids chess,
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Našu djecu učimo igrati šah
08:02
thinking maybe they will need analytical skills.
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misleći da će im možda
trebati analitičke vještine.
trebati analitičke vještine.
08:04
We sign them up for team sports,
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Upisujemo ih na timske sportove
08:07
thinking maybe they will need collaborative skills,
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misleći da će im možda trebati
vještine suradnje
vještine suradnje
08:10
you know, for when they go
to Harvard Business School.
to Harvard Business School.
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kad budu išli na harvardsku poslovnu školu.
08:13
We try and teach them to be financially savvy
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Pokušavamo ih naučiti da
budu financijski mudri,
budu financijski mudri,
08:16
and science-minded and eco-friendly
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znanstveno nastrojeni, ekološki osviješteni
08:19
and gluten-free,
177
487767
2966
i ne jedu gluten
08:22
though now is probably a good time to tell you
178
490733
1972
iako je možda sad pravo vrijeme
da vam kažem da
da vam kažem da
08:24
that I was not eco-friendly and gluten-free as a child.
179
492705
5540
ja nisam bila ekološki osviještena
i da sam jela gluten kao dijete.
i da sam jela gluten kao dijete.
08:30
I ate jars of pureed macaroni and beef.
180
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4790
Jela sam zdjele pirea od makarona i govedine.
08:35
And you know what? I'm doing okay.
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2177
I znate što? Dobro sam.
08:37
I pay my taxes.
182
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2413
Plaćam poreze.
08:39
I hold down a steady job.
183
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3217
Imam stalni posao.
08:42
I was even invited to speak at TED.
184
510842
4328
Čak sam pozvana da održim govor na TED-u.
Ali današnja pretpostavka je
08:47
But the presumption now is that
185
515170
1382
08:48
what was good enough for me,
or for my folks for that matter,
or for my folks for that matter,
186
516552
3398
da ono što je bilo dovoljno
dobro za mene ili za moje starce
dobro za mene ili za moje starce
08:51
isn't good enough anymore.
187
519950
1811
nije više dovoljno dobro.
08:53
So we all make a mad dash to that bookshelf,
188
521761
3664
Pa svi sumanuto jurimo do te police
08:57
because we feel like if we aren't trying everything,
189
525425
3312
jer nam se čini ako ne pokušavamo sve
09:00
it's as if we're doing nothing
190
528737
2130
da je to isto kao da ne činimo ništa
09:02
and we're defaulting on our obligations to our kids.
191
530867
5337
i ne ispunjavamo obveze prema svojoj djeci.
09:08
So it's hard enough to navigate our new roles
192
536204
2608
Dakle dovoljno je teško snalaziti se u našim
novim ulogama majki i očeva.
09:10
as mothers and fathers.
193
538812
1522
09:12
Now add to this problem something else:
194
540334
2446
Sad ovom problemu dodajte još nešto:
također se pokušavamo snaći u novim ulogama
09:14
we are also navigating new roles
195
542780
1928
09:16
as husbands and wives
196
544708
1604
muževa i žena
09:18
because most women today are in the workforce.
197
546312
3648
jer je većina žena danas zaposlena.
Mislim da je ovo još jedan razlog
09:21
This is another reason, I think,
198
549960
1530
09:23
that parenthood feels like a crisis.
199
551490
2322
zbog kojeg roditeljstvo izgleda kao kriza.
09:25
We have no rules, no scripts, no norms
200
553812
2650
Nemamo pravila, scenarija ili obrazaca
09:28
for what to do when a child comes along
201
556462
2540
što činiti kada stigne dijete
09:31
now that both mom and dad are breadwinners.
202
559002
3191
sada kada su i mama i tata hranitelji obitelji.
09:34
The writer Michael Lewis once put this
203
562193
2405
Pisac Michael Lewis je ovo
09:36
very, very well.
204
564598
1237
jako dobro sročio.
09:37
He said that the surest way
205
565835
2512
Rekao je da je najsigurniji način
09:40
for a couple to start fighting
206
568347
1795
da se par počne svađati
09:42
is for them to go out to dinner with another couple
207
570142
3028
da odu na večeru s drugim parom
09:45
whose division of labor
208
573170
1185
čija je podjela poslova
09:46
is ever so slightly different from theirs,
209
574355
3610
mrvicu drugačija nego njihova
09:49
because the conversation in
the car on the way home
the car on the way home
210
577965
3676
jer će razgovor u autu na putu kući
09:53
goes something like this:
211
581641
2217
teći otprilike ovako:
09:56
"So, did you catch that Dave is the one
212
584775
4633
"Onda, jesi čuo da je Dave taj koji
10:01
who walks them to school every morning?"
213
589408
3901
prati djecu u školu svako jutro?"
10:05
(Laughter)
214
593309
3821
(Smijeh)
10:09
Without scripts telling us who does what
215
597742
2515
Bez scenarija koji nam govori tko što radi
10:12
in this brave new world, couples fight,
216
600257
3049
u ovom vrlom novom svijetu, parovi se svađaju
10:15
and both mothers and fathers each have
217
603306
3239
te i majke i očevi imaju svaki svoje
10:18
their legitimate gripes.
218
606545
1930
legitimne pritužbe.
10:20
Mothers are much more likely
219
608475
1855
Majke će vjerojatno
raditi više poslova odjednom kad su kod kuće
10:22
to be multi-tasking when they are at home,
220
610330
2078
10:24
and fathers, when they are at home,
221
612408
2211
dok će očevi, kad su kod kuće,
10:26
are much more likely to be mono-tasking.
222
614619
2959
vjerojatno raditi samo jedan posao.
Nađite bilo kojeg muškarca
doma i dobre su šanse
doma i dobre su šanse
10:29
Find a guy at home, and odds are
223
617578
2568
10:32
he is doing just one thing at a time.
224
620146
3761
da radi samo jednu stvar u isto vrijeme.
10:35
In fact, UCLA recently did a study
225
623907
2904
Zapravo, na UCLA je nedavno provedena studija
10:38
looking at the most common configuration
226
626811
2533
koja je promatrala najčešću konfiguraciju
10:41
of family members in middle-class homes.
227
629344
3046
članova obitelji u domovima srednjeg sloja.
10:44
Guess what it was?
228
632390
1733
Pogodite kako je izgledala?
10:46
Dad in a room by himself.
229
634123
2647
Tata sam u sobi.
10:48
According to the American Time Use Survey,
230
636770
2440
Prema anketi
10:51
mothers still do twice as much childcare as fathers,
231
639210
3225
majke još uvijek dvostruko više brinu za djecu, nego očevi
10:54
which is better than it was in Erma Bombeck's day,
232
642435
3599
što je bolje nego u vrijeme Erme Bombeck,
ali mislim da je nešto što je ona napisala
10:58
but I still think that something she wrote
233
646034
2266
11:00
is highly relevant:
234
648300
2872
vrlo aktualno:
11:03
"I have not been alone in the
bathroom since October."
bathroom since October."
235
651172
3718
"Nisam bila sama u kupaonici od listopada."
11:06
(Laughter)
236
654890
4334
(Smijeh)
11:11
But here is the thing: Men are doing plenty.
237
659224
4830
No evo o čemu se radi: muškarci čine puno.
Provode više vremena s djecom
11:16
They spend more time with their kids
238
664054
1776
11:17
than their fathers ever spent with them.
239
665830
3334
nego što su njihovi očevi provodili s njima.
11:21
They work more paid hours, on average,
240
669164
1980
U prosjeku rade više plaćenih sati
11:23
than their wives,
241
671144
1693
nego njihove supruge
11:24
and they genuinely want to be good,
242
672837
1834
i istinski žele biti dobri,
11:26
involved dads.
243
674671
1579
uključeni očevi.
11:28
Today, it is fathers, not mothers,
244
676250
3368
Danas očevi, a ne majke
11:31
who report the most work-life conflict.
245
679618
4111
govore o sukobu privatnog života i posla.
11:35
Either way, by the way,
246
683729
2232
U svakom slučaju, usput rečeno,
ako mislite da je
tradicionalnim obiteljima teško
tradicionalnim obiteljima teško
11:37
if you think it's hard for traditional families
247
685961
2335
11:40
to sort out these new roles,
248
688296
1624
podijeliti ove nove uloge,
11:41
just imagine what it's like now
249
689920
1836
zamislite samo kako je
11:43
for non-traditional families:
250
691756
1895
netradicionalnim obiteljima:
11:45
families with two dads, families with two moms,
251
693651
2595
obiteljima s dva oca,
obiteljima s dvije mame,
obiteljima s dvije mame,
11:48
single-parent households.
252
696246
1705
samohranim roditeljima.
11:49
They are truly improvising as they go.
253
697951
4393
Oni usitinu improviziraju u hodu.
11:54
Now, in a more progressive country,
254
702344
3791
U naprednijoj zemlji,
11:58
and forgive me here for capitulating to cliché
255
706135
2730
i ispričavam se na klišeu
12:00
and invoking, yes, Sweden,
256
708865
3054
pa spominjem, da, Švedsku,
12:03
parents could rely on the state
257
711919
2921
roditelji su se mogli osloniti na državu
12:06
for support.
258
714840
2649
za podršku.
12:09
There are countries that acknowledge
259
717489
1879
Postoje zemlje koje prepoznaju
12:11
the anxieties and the changing roles
260
719368
1433
tjeskobu i izmijenjene uloge
12:12
of mothers and fathers.
261
720801
2364
majki i očeva.
12:15
Unfortunately, the United States is not one of them,
262
723165
3264
Nažalost, SAD nisu jedna od tih zemalja
12:18
so in case you were wondering what the U.S.
263
726429
1965
pa ako ste se pitali što SAD
12:20
has in common with Papua New Guinea and Liberia,
264
728394
5303
imaju zajedničkog s
Papua Novom Gvinejom i Liberijom
Papua Novom Gvinejom i Liberijom
12:25
it's this:
265
733697
3031
to je ovo:
12:28
We too have no paid maternity leave policy.
266
736728
3727
Ni SAD nemaju zakon o plaćenom porodiljnom dopustu.
12:32
We are one of eight known countries that does not.
267
740455
7247
Mi smo jedna od osam zemalja koja ga nema.
12:39
In this age of intense confusion,
268
747702
3571
U ovo doba intenzivne zbunjenosti
12:43
there is just one goal upon which
269
751273
3402
postoji samo jedan cilj oko kojeg
12:46
all parents can agree,
270
754675
1832
se mogu složiti svi roditelji,
12:48
and that is whether they are
271
756507
1464
a taj je, bilo da se radi o
12:49
tiger moms or hippie moms, helicopters or drones,
272
757971
4566
preambicioznim ili hipi mamama,
helikopterima ili lebdjelicama,
helikopterima ili lebdjelicama,
12:54
our kids' happiness is paramount.
273
762537
4141
da je sreća naše djece na prvom mjestu.
12:58
That is what it means
274
766678
1882
Eto što znači
13:00
to raise kids in an age
275
768560
2450
odgajati djecu u doba
13:03
when they are economically worthless
276
771010
2225
kada su ekonomski bezvrijedna,
13:05
but emotionally priceless.
277
773235
2245
ali emocionalno neprocjenjiva,
13:07
We are all the custodians of their self-esteem.
278
775480
3400
Mi smo čuvari njihova samopoštovanja.
13:10
The one mantra no parent ever questions is,
279
778880
3833
Mantra koju ni jedan roditelj ne dovodi u pitanje je:
13:14
"All I want is for my children to be happy."
280
782713
5731
"Sve što želim za svoju
djecu jest da budu sretna."
djecu jest da budu sretna."
13:20
And don't get me wrong:
281
788444
1713
I nemojte me krivo shvatiti,
13:22
I think happiness is a wonderful goal for a child.
282
790157
4880
mislim da je sreća divan cilj za dijete.
13:27
But it is a very elusive one.
283
795037
3706
Ali je ujedno i teško uhvatljiv.
13:30
Happiness and self-confidence,
284
798743
3940
Sreća i samopouzdanje,
učenje djece koje nije poput učenja
13:34
teaching children that is not like teaching them
285
802683
1981
13:36
how to plow a field.
286
804664
1516
kako orati polje.
13:38
It's not like teaching them how to ride a bike.
287
806180
2701
Nije poput učenja vožnje bicikla.
13:40
There's no curriculum for it.
288
808881
2557
Ne postoji kurikulum za to.
13:43
Happiness and self-confidence can
be the byproducts of other things,
be the byproducts of other things,
289
811438
3597
Sreća i samopouzdanje mogu
biti nusproizvod drugih stvari,
biti nusproizvod drugih stvari,
13:47
but they cannot really be goals unto themselves.
290
815035
3055
ali ne mogu biti cilj same po sebi.
13:50
A child's happiness
291
818090
1666
Djetetova sreća
13:51
is a very unfair burden to place on a parent.
292
819756
3755
je nepošten teret svaljen na roditelja.
13:55
And happiness is an even more unfair burden
293
823521
2838
A još je nepoštenije taj teret
13:58
to place on a kid.
294
826359
2840
svaliti na dijete.
14:01
And I have to tell you,
295
829199
2023
I moram vam reći,
14:03
I think it leads to some very strange excesses.
296
831222
3882
mislim da vodi vrlo čudnom pretjerivanju.
14:07
We are now so anxious
297
835104
2402
Toliko smo pod pritiskom
14:09
to protect our kids from the world's ugliness
298
837506
3318
da moramo zaštititi našu
djecu od ružnih stvari
djecu od ružnih stvari
14:12
that we now shield them from "Sesame Street."
299
840824
4752
da ih štitimo od "Ulice Sezam."
Voljela bih da mogu reći
da se šalim u vezi ovoga,
da se šalim u vezi ovoga,
14:17
I wish I could say I was kidding about this,
300
845576
2136
14:19
but if you go out and you buy
301
847712
2672
no ako kupite
14:22
the first few episodes of "Sesame Street" on DVD,
302
850384
2939
prvih par epizoda "Ulice Sezam" na DVD-u,
14:25
as I did out of nostalgia,
303
853323
3081
kao što sam ja iz nostalgije učinila,
14:28
you will find a warning at the beginning
304
856404
3113
vidjet ćete upozorenje na početku
14:31
saying that the content is not suitable
305
859517
2630
koje kaže da sadržaj nije prikladan
14:34
for children.
306
862147
1768
za djecu.
14:35
(Laughter)
307
863915
2110
(Smijeh)
Mogu li samo ovo ponoviti?
14:38
Can I just repeat that?
308
866025
1205
14:39
The content of the original "Sesame Street"
309
867230
2631
Sadržaj originalne "Ulice Sezam"
14:41
is not suitable for children.
310
869861
3342
nije prikladan za djecu.
14:45
When asked about this by The New York Times,
311
873203
3642
Kada ih je New York Times upitao o ovome,
14:48
a producer for the show gave
a variety of explanations.
a variety of explanations.
312
876845
3305
producentica emisije
je dala cijeli niz objašnjenja.
je dala cijeli niz objašnjenja.
14:52
One was that Cookie Monster smoked a pipe
313
880150
2759
Jedno je bilo da Cookie Monster puši lulu
u jednom skeču i zatim je proguta.
14:54
in one skit and then swallowed it.
314
882909
1761
14:56
Bad modeling. I don't know.
315
884670
1435
Loš primjer, ili što već.
14:58
But the thing that stuck with me
316
886105
2982
Ali nešto što mi se urezalo u pamćenje
15:01
is she said that she didn't know
317
889087
2455
je da je rekla da ne zna
15:03
whether Oscar the Grouch could be invented today
318
891542
4339
bi li gunđalo Oscar danas bio izmišljen
15:07
because he was too depressive.
319
895881
4898
jer je predepresivan.
15:12
I cannot tell you how much this distresses me.
320
900779
2408
Ne mogu vam opisati koliko me to žalosti.
15:15
(Laughter)
321
903187
1519
(Smijeh)
15:16
You are looking at a woman
322
904706
1853
Gledate u ženu
15:18
who has a periodic table of the Muppets
323
906559
3044
koja ima periodni sustav Muppeta
15:21
hanging from her cubicle wall.
324
909603
3792
na zidu na radnom mjestu.
15:25
The offending muppet, right there.
325
913395
3759
Sporni muppet, evo ga ovdje.
15:30
That's my son the day he was born.
326
918239
4786
Ovo je moj sin na dan svog rođenja.
15:35
I was high as a kite on morphine.
327
923025
2192
Bila sam na morfiju.
15:37
I had had an unexpected C-section.
328
925217
3863
Imala sam nepredviđeni carski rez.
15:41
But even in my opiate haze,
329
929080
3516
Ali čak i u toj izmaglici
uzrokovanoj lijekovima,
uzrokovanoj lijekovima,
15:44
I managed to have one very clear thought
330
932596
2933
imala sam jednu jasnu misao
15:47
the first time I held him.
331
935529
2952
prvi put kad sam ga primila.
15:50
I whispered it into his ear.
332
938481
1904
Šapnula sam mu je u uho.
15:52
I said, "I will try so hard not to hurt you."
333
940385
8884
Rekla sam: "Jako ću se
truditi da te ne povrijedim."
truditi da te ne povrijedim."
16:01
It was the Hippocratic Oath,
334
949269
1320
To je bila Hipokratova zakletva,
16:02
and I didn't even know I was saying it.
335
950589
3878
a nisam niti znala da je izgovaram.
16:06
But it occurs to me now
336
954467
2324
Ali sada mi postaje jasno
16:08
that the Hippocratic Oath
337
956791
2079
da je Hipokratova zakletva
16:10
is a much more realistic aim than happiness.
338
958870
4332
puno realističniji cilj nego sreća.
16:15
In fact, as any parent will tell you,
339
963202
3600
Zapravo, kao što će vam svaki roditelj reći,
16:18
it's awfully hard.
340
966802
2768
to je iznimno teško.
16:21
All of us have said or done hurtful things
341
969570
4854
Svatko od nas je činio ružne stvari
16:26
that we wish to God we could take back.
342
974424
5974
za koje bismo voljeli da ih možemo poništiti.
16:32
I think in another era
343
980398
2848
Mislim da u neka druga doba
16:35
we did not expect quite so much from ourselves,
344
983246
3992
nismo očekivali tako puno od samih sebe
16:39
and it is important that we all remember that
345
987238
3682
i važno je da to svi zapamtimo
16:42
the next time we are staring with our hearts racing
346
990920
3834
dok idući put uzlupana srca budemo buljili
16:46
at those bookshelves.
347
994754
4046
u te police s knjigama.
16:52
I'm not really sure how to create new norms
348
1000254
3254
Nisam sigurna kako se stvaraju nova pravila
16:55
for this world,
349
1003508
1678
za ovaj svijet,
16:57
but I do think that
350
1005186
3084
no mislim da
17:00
in our desperate quest to create happy kids,
351
1008270
3318
u našoj očajničkoj misiji
da stvorimo sretnu djecu
da stvorimo sretnu djecu
17:03
we may be assuming the wrong moral burden.
352
1011588
3027
možda na sebe preuzimamo
pogrešan moralni teret.
pogrešan moralni teret.
17:06
It strikes me as a better goal,
353
1014615
1718
Čini mi se da je bolji cilj,
17:08
and, dare I say, a more virtuous one,
354
1016333
2216
a usudila bih se reći i plemenitiji,
17:10
to focus on making productive kids
355
1018549
2719
usredotočiti se na stvaranje
produktivne djece
produktivne djece
17:13
and moral kids,
356
1021268
1340
i moralne djece
17:14
and to simply hope that happiness will come to them
357
1022608
2316
te se jednostavno nadati
da će im sreća nadoći
da će im sreća nadoći
17:16
by virtue of the good that they do
358
1024924
2746
zbog dobrih stvari koje čine
17:19
and their accomplishments
359
1027670
2228
i zbog njihovih postignuća
17:21
and the love that they feel from us.
360
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2898
i ljubavi koju od nas osjećaju.
17:24
That, anyway, is one response to having no script.
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To je barem jedan
od odgovora na nemanje scenarija.
od odgovora na nemanje scenarija.
17:30
Absent having new scripts,
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Bez novih scenarija,
17:33
we just follow the oldest ones in the book --
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jednostavno pratimo najstariji koji postoji --
17:37
decency, a work ethic, love —
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poštenje, radna etika, ljubav —
17:43
and let happiness and self-esteem
take care of themselves.
take care of themselves.
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i puštamo da se sreća
i samopoštovanje pobrinu sami za sebe.
i samopoštovanje pobrinu sami za sebe.
17:47
I think if we all did that,
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MIslim da kada bismo svi to činili,
17:49
the kids would still be all right,
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djeca bi i dalje bila dobro
17:52
and so would their parents,
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kao i njihovi roditelji,
17:55
possibly in both cases even better.
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možda čak i bolje.
17:59
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
18:01
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jennifer Senior - WriterIn her new book "All Joy and No Fun," Jennifer Senior explores how children reshape their parents' lives -- for better and worse.
Why you should listen
Jennifer Senior is a contributing editor at New York Magazine, where she writes profiles and cover stories about politics, social science and mental health. In a groundbreaking 2010 story for the magazine, called "All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting," she examined the social science around modern parenting, looking at happiness research from Dan Gilbert, Danny Kahneman and others, as well as anthropological research (she was an anthro major) around how families behave. Her conclusion: Hey, parents, it's okay not to feel blissfully happy all the time.
She expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
More profile about the speakerShe expanded the piece into a book that dives deeper into the research and paradoxes of modern American parenting styles -- including parents' sometimes inflated expectations of constant awesomeness, meaningfulness and bliss. As she says, "I think of this book as a series of mini-ethnographies -- portraits of how American families live now."
Jennifer Senior | Speaker | TED.com