TEDNYC
Amy Green: A video game to cope with grief
Filmed:
Readability: 4
1,614,279 views
When Amy Green's young son was diagnosed with a rare brain tumor, she made up a bedtime story for his siblings to teach them about cancer. What resulted was a video game, "That Dragon, Cancer," which takes players on a journey they can't win. In this beautiful talk about coping with loss, Green brings joy and play to tragedy. "We made a game that's hard to play," she says, "because the hardest moments of our lives change us more than any goal we could ever accomplish."
Amy Green - Video game designer
Amy Green creates narrative video games that focus on innovative stories. Full bio
Amy Green creates narrative video games that focus on innovative stories. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
Two months ago, my kids and I
huddled around a cell phone
huddled around a cell phone
0
952
4184
00:17
watching the live stream
of the Game Awards,
of the Game Awards,
1
5160
2296
00:19
one of the video game
industry's biggest nights.
industry's biggest nights.
2
7480
2896
00:22
They announced the nominees
for the Game for Impact,
for the Game for Impact,
3
10400
3656
00:26
an award that's given
to a thought-provoking video game
to a thought-provoking video game
4
14080
3056
00:29
with a profound prosocial
message or meaning.
message or meaning.
5
17160
3776
00:32
They opened the envelope
6
20960
1696
00:34
and they read the title of our video game.
7
22680
3216
00:37
An award ...
8
25920
1376
00:39
for impact.
9
27320
1816
00:41
It was almost funny, actually,
10
29160
1696
00:42
because I always thought
that winning an award like that
that winning an award like that
11
30880
2656
00:45
would have this huge impact on my life,
12
33560
2656
00:48
but I found that the opposite is true.
13
36240
2760
00:51
The big nights,
14
39840
1416
00:53
the accomplishments --
15
41280
2096
00:55
they fade.
16
43400
1576
00:57
But the hardest nights of my life
have stuck with me,
have stuck with me,
17
45000
3416
01:00
impacting who I am
18
48440
2496
01:02
and what I do.
19
50960
1720
01:05
In 2010, my third son, Joel, was diagnosed
with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.
with a rare and aggressive brain tumor.
20
53360
6200
01:12
And before that year was finished,
21
60480
1936
01:14
doctors sat my husband and I down
22
62440
2536
01:17
and let us know
that his tumor had returned
that his tumor had returned
23
65000
3256
01:20
despite the most aggressive chemotherapy
and radiation that they could offer him.
and radiation that they could offer him.
24
68280
4720
01:26
On that terrible night,
25
74080
1896
01:28
after learning that Joel
had perhaps four months to live,
had perhaps four months to live,
26
76000
4096
01:32
I cuddled up with
my two older sons in bed --
my two older sons in bed --
27
80120
2856
01:35
they were five and three at the time --
28
83000
2536
01:37
and I never really knew
how much they understood,
how much they understood,
29
85560
3096
01:40
so I started telling them a bedtime story.
30
88680
3696
01:44
I told them about this
very brave knight named Joel
very brave knight named Joel
31
92400
3856
01:48
and his adventure fighting
a terrible dragon called cancer.
a terrible dragon called cancer.
32
96280
4640
01:53
Every night, I told them
more of the story,
more of the story,
33
101720
3056
01:56
but I never let the story end.
34
104800
2016
01:58
I was just building up a context
that they could understand
that they could understand
35
106840
3136
02:02
and hoping that our prayers
would be answered
would be answered
36
110000
2256
02:04
and I would never
have to tell them that that knight,
have to tell them that that knight,
37
112280
2496
02:06
who had fought so bravely,
38
114800
2296
02:09
was done fighting
39
117120
1536
02:10
and could rest now, forever.
40
118680
2280
02:14
Fortunately, I never did have to
finish that bedtime story.
finish that bedtime story.
41
122440
4496
02:18
My children outgrew it.
42
126960
2176
02:21
Joel responded better than anyone expected
to palliative treatment,
to palliative treatment,
43
129160
4096
02:25
and so instead of months,
44
133280
1656
02:26
we spent years learning how to love
our dying child with all of our hearts.
our dying child with all of our hearts.
45
134960
6280
02:34
Learning to recognize
that shameful feeling
that shameful feeling
46
142080
2536
02:36
of holding back just a little love
47
144640
2896
02:39
to try to spare ourselves
just a little pain
just a little pain
48
147560
2856
02:42
somewhere further down the road.
49
150440
2560
02:45
We pushed past that self-preservation
50
153760
2456
02:48
because Joel was worth loving
even if that love could crush us.
even if that love could crush us.
51
156240
4920
02:54
And that lesson of intense
vulnerability has changed me ...
vulnerability has changed me ...
52
162200
4440
02:59
more than any award ever could.
53
167440
2560
03:02
We started living like Joel could live,
54
170400
3336
03:05
and we began developing a video game
called "That Dragon, Cancer."
called "That Dragon, Cancer."
55
173760
5240
03:11
It was the story of Joel.
56
179920
2120
03:14
It was the story of hope
in the shadow of death.
in the shadow of death.
57
182760
3496
03:18
It was the story of faith
58
186280
1520
03:20
and doubt,
59
188640
1456
03:22
and the realization that a wrestle
with doubt is a part of faith --
with doubt is a part of faith --
60
190120
5120
03:28
maybe the biggest part of it.
61
196120
1560
03:30
It was a story that began as a miracle
62
198560
3456
03:34
and ended as a memorial.
63
202040
2440
03:37
(Music)
64
205840
2096
03:39
(Giggle)
65
207960
1256
03:41
(Clapping)
66
209240
1336
03:42
(Music)
67
210600
3576
03:46
(Video) Dad: Bouncing around,
do you like that?
do you like that?
68
214200
3056
03:49
(Giggle)
69
217280
1216
03:50
I love your giggle.
70
218520
1216
03:51
(Music)
71
219760
2160
03:58
(Giggle)
72
226320
1440
04:01
[A Journey of Hope In the Shadow of Death]
73
229600
4760
04:07
[That Dragon, Cancer]
74
235280
3016
04:10
(Music)
75
238320
3080
04:15
When you play "That Dragon, Cancer,"
76
243560
1896
04:17
you're transformed
into a witness of Joel's life,
into a witness of Joel's life,
77
245480
3976
04:21
exploring an emotional landscape,
78
249480
2176
04:23
clicking to discover more of what
we as a family felt and experienced.
we as a family felt and experienced.
79
251680
5536
04:29
It feels a little bit
like analyzing interactive poetry
like analyzing interactive poetry
80
257240
4536
04:33
because every game mechanic is a metaphor,
81
261800
2336
04:36
and so the more the player asks themselves
82
264160
2376
04:38
what we as designers
were trying to express and why,
were trying to express and why,
83
266560
3936
04:42
the richer the experience becomes.
84
270520
2360
04:45
We took that vulnerability
that Joel taught us,
that Joel taught us,
85
273400
3016
04:48
and we encoded the game with it.
86
276440
2560
04:51
Players expect their video games
to offer them branching narrative
to offer them branching narrative
87
279520
3576
04:55
so that every decision
that they make feels important
that they make feels important
88
283120
3536
04:58
and can change the outcome of the game.
89
286680
2696
05:01
We subverted that principle
of game design,
of game design,
90
289400
2776
05:04
collapsing the choices in on the player
91
292200
3376
05:07
so that they discover for themselves
92
295600
1776
05:09
that there is nothing that they can do
that will change the outcome for Joel.
that will change the outcome for Joel.
93
297400
4200
05:14
And they feel that discovery
as deeply and desperately as we felt it
as deeply and desperately as we felt it
94
302280
5776
05:20
on nights when we held Joel
in our arms praying for hours,
in our arms praying for hours,
95
308080
4176
05:24
stubbornly holding out hope for a grace
that we could not create for ourselves.
that we could not create for ourselves.
96
312280
5440
05:30
We'd all prefer to win,
97
318960
1360
05:33
but when you discover that you can't win,
98
321160
2360
05:36
what do you value instead?
99
324560
1640
05:39
I never planned to write video games,
100
327600
2216
05:41
but these moments
that really change our lives,
that really change our lives,
101
329840
2536
05:44
they often come as the result
of our hardship -- and not our glory.
of our hardship -- and not our glory.
102
332400
4120
05:49
When we thought that Joel could live,
103
337520
2096
05:51
I left the game designing to my husband.
104
339640
2136
05:53
I chimed in here and there
105
341800
2056
05:55
with a scene or two and some suggestions.
106
343880
2976
05:58
But after the night that Joel died,
107
346880
2640
06:02
the passion,
108
350480
1416
06:03
the possibility of sharing Joel's life
through our video game --
through our video game --
109
351920
4176
06:08
it was something that I couldn't resist.
110
356120
2136
06:10
I started writing more,
111
358280
1336
06:11
I sat in on our team's design meetings,
112
359640
2416
06:14
I added more ideas
and I helped direct scenes.
and I helped direct scenes.
113
362080
3096
06:17
And I discovered that creating
a video game is telling a story,
a video game is telling a story,
114
365200
4896
06:22
but with an entirely new vocabulary.
115
370120
2736
06:24
All the same elements of imagination
and symbolism are there,
and symbolism are there,
116
372880
5536
06:30
but they're just partnered
with player agency
with player agency
117
378440
2616
06:33
and system responsiveness.
118
381080
2000
06:36
It's challenging work.
119
384080
1656
06:37
I have to think
in a totally new way to do it,
in a totally new way to do it,
120
385760
3016
06:40
but I love it.
121
388800
1656
06:42
And I wouldn't have known
that without Joel.
that without Joel.
122
390480
2600
06:46
Maybe you're a little surprised
123
394280
2296
06:48
by our choice to share our story
of terminal cancer through a video game.
of terminal cancer through a video game.
124
396600
5080
06:54
Perhaps you're even thinking
like so many people before you:
like so many people before you:
125
402360
3336
06:57
cancer is not a game.
126
405720
2320
07:01
Well, tell that
to any pediatric cancer parent
to any pediatric cancer parent
127
409280
2176
07:03
that's ever taken an exam glove
and blown it up into a balloon,
and blown it up into a balloon,
128
411480
3936
07:07
or transformed a syringe
into a rocket ship,
into a rocket ship,
129
415440
2736
07:10
or let their child ride their IV pole
through the hospital halls
through the hospital halls
130
418200
4136
07:14
like it was a race car.
131
422360
1680
07:16
Because when you have children,
132
424880
2096
07:19
everything is a game.
133
427000
1840
07:21
And when your young child
experiences something traumatic,
experiences something traumatic,
134
429640
3936
07:25
you work even harder to make sure
that their life feels like a game
that their life feels like a game
135
433600
4056
07:29
because children naturally
explore their worlds through play.
explore their worlds through play.
136
437680
3880
07:34
While cancer can steal
many things from a family,
many things from a family,
137
442320
2936
07:37
it shouldn't steal play.
138
445280
1600
07:39
If you're listening to me
and you're trying to imagine this family
and you're trying to imagine this family
139
447880
3576
07:43
that revolves entirely
around a dying child,
around a dying child,
140
451480
4216
07:47
and you can't imagine joy
as part of that picture,
as part of that picture,
141
455720
4016
07:51
then we were right
to share our story with you,
to share our story with you,
142
459760
3056
07:54
because that season of our life was hard.
143
462840
3656
07:58
Unspeakably hard at times,
144
466520
2776
08:01
but it was also pure hope,
145
469320
2080
08:04
deep love
146
472000
1616
08:05
and joy like I have never
experienced since.
experienced since.
147
473640
2880
08:09
Our video game was our attempt
to share that world
to share that world
148
477720
4136
08:13
with people who hadn't
experienced it before,
experienced it before,
149
481880
2216
08:16
because we never could imagine
that world until it became ours.
that world until it became ours.
150
484120
3800
08:21
We made a video game that's hard to play.
151
489200
3040
08:25
It will never be a blockbuster.
152
493360
2256
08:27
People have to prepare themselves
to invest emotionally
to invest emotionally
153
495640
3736
08:31
in a story that they know
will break their hearts.
will break their hearts.
154
499400
3520
08:35
But when our hearts break,
155
503880
2336
08:38
they heal a little differently.
156
506240
2320
08:42
My broken heart has been healing
with a new and a deeper compassion --
with a new and a deeper compassion --
157
510000
4895
08:46
a desire to sit with people in their pain,
158
514919
2937
08:49
to hear their stories
and try to help tell them
and try to help tell them
159
517880
3015
08:52
so that they know that they're seen.
160
520919
1961
08:56
On the night when "That Dragon, Cancer"
won the Game for Impact Award,
won the Game for Impact Award,
161
524600
4336
09:00
we cheered,
162
528960
1416
09:02
we smiled and we talked about Joel
163
530400
3176
09:05
and the impact he had on our life --
164
533600
2256
09:07
on all of those hard and hopeful nights
that we shared with him
that we shared with him
165
535880
4096
09:12
when he changed our hearts
166
540000
1456
09:13
and taught us so much more
about life and love and faith and purpose.
about life and love and faith and purpose.
167
541480
5880
09:20
That award will never mean as much to me
as even a single photograph of my son,
as even a single photograph of my son,
168
548560
5760
09:27
but it does represent all of the people
who his life has impacted,
who his life has impacted,
169
555200
4656
09:31
people I'll never meet.
170
559880
2096
09:34
They write me emails sometimes.
171
562000
2360
09:36
They tell me that they miss Joel,
even though they never met him.
even though they never met him.
172
564880
5456
09:42
They describe the tears
that they've shed for my son,
that they've shed for my son,
173
570360
4640
09:47
and it makes my burden of grief
just a little bit lighter
just a little bit lighter
174
575920
3816
09:51
knowing that it's shared
with a 10-year-old
with a 10-year-old
175
579760
2096
09:53
watching a YouTube playthrough,
176
581880
2016
09:55
or a doctor playing on his airplane
with a smartphone,
with a smartphone,
177
583920
4216
10:00
or a professor introducing Joel
to her first-year philosophy students.
to her first-year philosophy students.
178
588160
5440
10:06
We made a video game that's hard to play.
179
594800
3600
10:11
But that feels just right to me,
180
599280
2936
10:14
because the hardest moments of our lives
181
602240
2576
10:16
change us more than any goal
we could ever accomplish.
we could ever accomplish.
182
604840
3480
10:21
Tragedy has shifted my heart
183
609320
2656
10:24
more than any dream
I could ever see come true.
I could ever see come true.
184
612000
3040
10:28
Thank you.
185
616120
1216
10:29
(Applause)
186
617360
4238
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Amy Green - Video game designerAmy Green creates narrative video games that focus on innovative stories.
Why you should listen
Amy Green writes and designs video games for Numinous Games, whose first title, That Dragon, Cancer, was an intimate autobiography of the life and death of her son Joel Green. Along with her husband and a team of six other developers, she used a video game to artistically portray the surreal emotional landscape of raising a child with a terminal illness. In May 2017, the Peabody Media Center and the University of Georgia awarded That Dragon, Cancer a Peabody-Facebook Futures of Media Award for Best Video Game.
Green's current project, Untethered, is an episodic virtual reality mystery that allows the player to speak out loud to the characters within the game. These characters speak back to the player, including the player as an integral character in the quirky story that is being told in the game.
Green's work with Numinous Games has been recognized by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts, South by Southwest, Games for Change, the Independent Game Developers Association, the Game Awards and has been featured in press coverage by the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Wired Magazine, Popular Science, RadioLab, CBS Sunday Morning, the BBC and the Guardian.
Amy Green | Speaker | TED.com