TEDSummit 2019
Hajer Sharief: How to use family dinner to teach politics
Filmed:
Readability: 4.3
1,954,697 views
Everyone should participate in decision-making and politics -- and it starts at home, says activist Hajer Sharief. She introduces a simple yet transformative idea: that parents can teach their children about political agency by giving them a say in how their households are run, in the form of candid family meetings where everyone can express their opinions, negotiate and compromise. "We need to teach people that political, national and global affairs are as relevant to them as personal and family affairs," she says. "Can you really afford not to be interested or not participate in politics?"
Hajer Sharief - Activist
As an activist promoting human rights in Libya and beyond, Hajer Sharief works against society's flow -- and across generations -- to find solutions. Full bio
As an activist promoting human rights in Libya and beyond, Hajer Sharief works against society's flow -- and across generations -- to find solutions. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
Twenty years ago,
0
1643
1366
00:15
my family introduced a system
called "Friday Democracy Meetings."
called "Friday Democracy Meetings."
1
3033
5848
00:21
Every Friday at 7pm, my family
came together for an official meeting
came together for an official meeting
2
9812
5294
00:27
to discuss the current family affairs.
3
15130
2960
00:31
These meetings were facilitated
by one of my parents,
by one of my parents,
4
19740
3294
00:35
and we even had a notetaker.
5
23058
2469
00:37
These meetings had two rules.
6
25551
2115
00:39
First, you are allowed
to speak open and freely.
to speak open and freely.
7
27690
3217
00:42
Us kids were allowed
to criticize our parents
to criticize our parents
8
30931
2673
00:45
without that being considered
disrespectful or rude.
disrespectful or rude.
9
33628
3316
00:48
Second rule was the Chatham House rule,
10
36968
2786
00:51
meaning whatever is said in the meeting
stays in the meeting.
stays in the meeting.
11
39778
3950
00:55
(Laughter)
12
43752
1001
00:56
The topics which were discussed
in these meetings
in these meetings
13
44777
2364
00:59
varied from one week to another.
14
47165
2411
01:01
One week, we'd talk about
what food we wanted to eat,
what food we wanted to eat,
15
49600
3466
01:05
what time us kids should go to bed
16
53090
2701
01:07
and how to improve things as a family,
17
55815
2587
01:10
while another meeting discussed
pretty much events that happened at school
pretty much events that happened at school
18
58426
4833
01:15
and how to solve
disputes between siblings,
disputes between siblings,
19
63283
3144
01:18
by which I mean real fights.
20
66451
1879
01:21
At the end of each meeting,
we'd reach decisions and agreements
we'd reach decisions and agreements
21
69232
3810
01:25
that would last at least
until the next meeting.
until the next meeting.
22
73066
3764
01:28
So you could say
I was raised as a politician.
I was raised as a politician.
23
76854
4491
01:35
By the age of six or seven,
I mastered politics.
I mastered politics.
24
83105
3715
01:38
I was negotiating, compromising,
25
86844
2843
01:41
building alliances
with other political actors.
with other political actors.
26
89711
2808
01:44
(Laughter)
27
92543
2331
01:46
And I even once tried to jeopardize
the political process.
the political process.
28
94898
4090
01:51
(Laughter)
29
99012
1000
01:53
These meetings sound very peaceful,
civil and democratic, right?
civil and democratic, right?
30
101077
4643
01:58
But that was not always the case.
31
106421
2001
02:00
Because of this open, free space
to talk, discuss and criticize,
to talk, discuss and criticize,
32
108446
4785
02:05
things sometimes got really heated.
33
113255
2610
02:08
One meeting went really bad for me.
34
116529
2683
02:11
I was about 10 years old at that time,
35
119236
2067
02:13
and I'd done something
really horrible at school,
really horrible at school,
36
121327
2295
02:15
which I'm not going to share today --
37
123646
1811
02:17
(Laughter)
38
125481
1018
02:18
but my brother decided
to bring it up in the meeting.
to bring it up in the meeting.
39
126523
4223
02:22
I could not defend myself,
40
130770
1779
02:24
so I decided to withdraw from the meeting
and boycott the whole system.
and boycott the whole system.
41
132573
4076
02:29
I literally wrote an official letter
and handed it to my dad,
and handed it to my dad,
42
137287
3151
02:32
announcing that I am boycotting.
43
140462
1817
02:34
(Laughter)
44
142303
2158
02:36
I thought that if I stopped
attending these meetings anymore,
attending these meetings anymore,
45
144485
3540
02:40
the system would collapse,
46
148049
1952
02:42
(Laughter)
47
150025
1531
02:43
but my family continued with the meetings,
48
151580
2859
02:46
and they often
made decisions that I disliked.
made decisions that I disliked.
49
154463
3690
02:50
But I could not challenge these decisions,
50
158177
2192
02:52
because I was not attending the meetings,
51
160393
1953
02:54
and thus had no right to go against it.
52
162370
2350
02:57
Ironically, when I turned
about 13 years old,
about 13 years old,
53
165517
4204
03:01
I ended up attending
one of these meetings again,
one of these meetings again,
54
169745
2900
03:04
after I boycotted them for a long time.
55
172669
3097
03:07
Because there was an issue
that was affecting me only,
that was affecting me only,
56
175790
4557
03:12
and no other family member
was bringing it up.
was bringing it up.
57
180371
3315
03:16
The problem was that after each dinner,
58
184760
4152
03:20
I was always the only one
who was asked to wash the dishes,
who was asked to wash the dishes,
59
188936
4032
03:24
while my brothers didn't have to do
anything about it.
anything about it.
60
192992
3193
03:28
I felt this was unjust,
unfair and discriminatory,
unfair and discriminatory,
61
196971
4568
03:33
so I wanted to discuss it in the meeting.
62
201563
2776
03:36
As you know, the idea that it's a woman
or a girl's role to do household work
or a girl's role to do household work
63
204363
5627
03:42
is a rule that has been carried out
by many societies for so long,
by many societies for so long,
64
210014
4222
03:46
so in order for a 13-year-old me
to challenge it, I needed a platform.
to challenge it, I needed a platform.
65
214260
4166
03:51
In the meeting, my brothers argued
66
219295
2243
03:53
that none of the other boys we knew
were washing the dishes,
were washing the dishes,
67
221562
3535
03:57
so why should our family be any different?
68
225121
2697
03:59
But my parents agreed with me and decided
that my brothers should assist me.
that my brothers should assist me.
69
227842
4936
04:04
However, they could not force them,
so the problem continued.
so the problem continued.
70
232802
3733
04:08
Seeing no solution to my problem,
I decided to attend another meeting
I decided to attend another meeting
71
236559
4965
04:13
and propose a new system
that would be fair to everyone.
that would be fair to everyone.
72
241548
4417
04:17
So I suggested instead of one person
73
245989
2775
04:20
washing all the dishes
used by all the family members,
used by all the family members,
74
248788
3819
04:24
each family member
should wash their own dishes.
should wash their own dishes.
75
252631
3986
04:28
And as a gesture of good faith,
76
256641
2032
04:30
I said I'd wash the pots as well.
77
258697
2221
04:33
This way, my brothers
could no longer argue
could no longer argue
78
261808
2802
04:36
that it wasn't within their responsibility
79
264634
2046
04:38
as boys or men to wash the dishes
and clean after the family,
and clean after the family,
80
266704
3954
04:42
because the system I proposed
was about every member of the family
was about every member of the family
81
270682
5187
04:47
cleaning after themselves
and taking care of themselves.
and taking care of themselves.
82
275893
3620
04:51
Everyone agreed to my proposal,
83
279537
2088
04:53
and for years, that was
our washing-the-dishes system.
our washing-the-dishes system.
84
281649
4514
05:00
What I just shared with you
is a family story,
is a family story,
85
288152
3675
05:03
but it's pure politics.
86
291851
1824
05:06
Every part of politics
includes decision-making,
includes decision-making,
87
294500
3834
05:10
and ideally, the process
of decision-making
of decision-making
88
298358
2676
05:13
should include people
from different backgrounds,
from different backgrounds,
89
301058
2926
05:16
interests, opinions, gender,
90
304008
3143
05:19
beliefs, race, ethnicity, age, and so on.
91
307175
3794
05:22
And they should all have
an equal opportunity to contribute
an equal opportunity to contribute
92
310993
3357
05:26
to the decision-making process
and influence the decisions
and influence the decisions
93
314374
3809
05:30
that will affect their lives
directly or indirectly.
directly or indirectly.
94
318207
3571
05:34
As such, I find it difficult to understand
when I hear young people saying,
when I hear young people saying,
95
322742
6102
05:40
"I'm too young to engage in politics
or to even hold a political opinion."
or to even hold a political opinion."
96
328868
4318
05:45
Similarly, when I hear some women saying,
97
333569
2401
05:47
"Politics is a dirty world
I don't want to engage with,"
I don't want to engage with,"
98
335994
4023
05:52
I'm worried that the idea of politics
and political engagement
and political engagement
99
340041
4354
05:56
has become so polarized
in many parts of the world
in many parts of the world
100
344419
3963
06:00
that ordinary people feel, in order
for them to participate in politics,
for them to participate in politics,
101
348406
4315
06:04
they need to be outspoken activists,
102
352745
2928
06:07
and that is not true.
103
355697
1460
06:09
I want to ask these young people,
women and ordinary people in general:
women and ordinary people in general:
104
357835
5683
06:15
Can you really afford not to be interested
or not to participate in politics?
or not to participate in politics?
105
363542
6246
06:22
Politics is not only activism.
106
370172
2067
06:24
It's awareness,
107
372263
1151
06:25
it's keeping ourselves informed,
it's caring for the facts.
it's caring for the facts.
108
373438
2784
06:28
When it's possible, it's casting a vote.
109
376246
2128
06:30
Politics is the tool
through which we structure ourselves
through which we structure ourselves
110
378914
2794
06:33
as groups and societies.
111
381732
1769
06:36
Politics governs every aspect of life,
112
384039
2715
06:38
and by not participating in it,
113
386778
2222
06:41
you're literally allowing other people
to decide on what you can eat, where,
to decide on what you can eat, where,
114
389024
5247
06:46
if you can have access to health care,
115
394295
2214
06:48
free education,
116
396533
1447
06:50
how much tax you pay,
117
398004
1850
06:51
when you can retire,
118
399878
1539
06:53
what is your pension.
119
401441
1734
06:55
Other people are also deciding
on whether your race and ethnicity
on whether your race and ethnicity
120
403199
3878
06:59
is enough to consider you a criminal,
121
407101
2357
07:01
or if your religion and nationality
is enough to put you on a terrorist list.
is enough to put you on a terrorist list.
122
409482
4351
07:06
And if you still think you are a strong,
independent human being
independent human being
123
414293
3888
07:10
unaffected by politics,
124
418205
2594
07:12
then think twice.
125
420823
1493
07:15
I am speaking to you
as a young woman from Libya,
as a young woman from Libya,
126
423607
3381
07:19
a country that is
in the middle of a civil war.
in the middle of a civil war.
127
427012
2764
07:22
After more than 40 years
of authoritarian rule,
of authoritarian rule,
128
430083
3215
07:25
it's not a place
where political engagement
where political engagement
129
433322
2247
07:27
by women and young people
is possible, nor encouraged.
is possible, nor encouraged.
130
435593
2927
07:31
Almost all political dialogues
that took place in the past few years,
that took place in the past few years,
131
439020
4080
07:35
even those gathered by foreign powers,
132
443124
2366
07:37
has been with only
middle-aged men in the room.
middle-aged men in the room.
133
445514
2832
07:41
But in places with a broken
political system like Libya,
political system like Libya,
134
449235
3945
07:45
or in seemingly functioning places,
including international organizations,
including international organizations,
135
453204
4832
07:50
the systems we have nowadays
for political decision-making
for political decision-making
136
458060
4256
07:54
are not from the people for the people,
137
462340
2945
07:57
but they have been established
by the few for the few.
by the few for the few.
138
465309
4084
08:01
And these few have been historically
almost exclusively men,
almost exclusively men,
139
469417
6237
08:07
and they've produced laws, policies,
140
475678
3175
08:10
mechanisms for political participation
that are based on the opinions,
that are based on the opinions,
141
478877
4758
08:15
beliefs, worldviews, dreams,
142
483659
2844
08:18
aspirations of this one group of people,
143
486527
2696
08:21
while everyone else was kept out.
144
489247
2905
08:24
After all, we've all heard
some version of this sentence:
some version of this sentence:
145
492585
4075
08:28
"What does a woman,
let alone a young person, who is brown,
let alone a young person, who is brown,
146
496684
4123
08:32
understand about politics?"
147
500831
1772
08:35
When you're young --
148
503437
1263
08:36
and in many parts of the world, a woman --
149
504724
2001
08:38
you often hear experienced politicians
say, "But you lack political experience."
say, "But you lack political experience."
150
506749
5740
08:44
And when I hear that,
151
512513
1421
08:45
I wonder what sort of experience
are they referring to?
are they referring to?
152
513958
3325
08:49
The experience of corrupted
political systems?
political systems?
153
517307
3465
08:53
Or of waging wars?
154
521266
1938
08:55
Or are they referring to the experience
155
523228
2183
08:57
of putting the interests
of economic profits
of economic profits
156
525435
2184
08:59
before those of the environment?
157
527643
1878
09:01
Because if this is political experience,
158
529545
2229
09:03
then yes --
159
531798
1151
09:04
(Applause)
160
532973
7000
09:14
we, as women and young people,
have no political experience at all.
have no political experience at all.
161
542828
4825
09:21
Now, politicians might not be
the only ones to blame,
the only ones to blame,
162
549240
5905
09:27
because ordinary people,
and many young people as well,
and many young people as well,
163
555169
5688
09:32
don't care about politics.
164
560881
2169
09:35
And even those who care
don't know how to participate.
don't know how to participate.
165
563074
4715
09:39
This must change, and here is my proposal.
166
567813
3327
09:43
We need to teach people at an early age
167
571164
3081
09:46
about decision-making
and how to be part of it.
and how to be part of it.
168
574269
3545
09:49
Every family is its own
mini political system
mini political system
169
577838
3578
09:53
that is usually not democratic,
170
581440
2507
09:55
because parents make decisions
that affect all members of the family,
that affect all members of the family,
171
583971
4183
10:00
while the kids have very little to say.
172
588178
2580
10:02
Similarly, politicians make decisions
that affect the whole nation,
that affect the whole nation,
173
590782
4150
10:06
while the people have
very little say in them.
very little say in them.
174
594956
2745
10:10
We need to change this,
175
598566
1975
10:12
and in order to achieve
this change systematically,
this change systematically,
176
600565
3288
10:15
we need to teach people
177
603877
2009
10:17
that political, national
and global affairs
and global affairs
178
605910
3418
10:21
are as relevant to them
as personal and family affairs.
as personal and family affairs.
179
609352
5308
10:26
So if we want to achieve this,
my proposal and advice is,
my proposal and advice is,
180
614684
4890
10:31
try out the Family Democracy
Meeting system.
Meeting system.
181
619598
3604
10:35
Because that will enable your kids
to exercise their agency
to exercise their agency
182
623226
3595
10:38
and decision-making from a very early age.
183
626845
2760
10:42
Politics is about having conversations,
184
630494
2867
10:45
including difficult conversations,
185
633385
2139
10:47
that lead to decisions.
186
635548
2137
10:49
And in order to have a conversation,
you need to participate,
you need to participate,
187
637709
3839
10:53
not sign off like I did when I was a kid
188
641572
2073
10:55
and then learn the lesson the hard way
and have to go back again.
and have to go back again.
189
643669
3841
10:59
If you include your kids
in family conversations,
in family conversations,
190
647534
2437
11:01
they will grow up
191
649995
1334
11:03
and know how to participate
in political conversations.
in political conversations.
192
651353
3356
11:06
And most importantly, most importantly,
193
654733
3297
11:10
they will help others engage.
194
658054
1870
11:11
Thank you.
195
659948
1151
11:13
(Applause)
196
661123
7000
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Hajer Sharief - ActivistAs an activist promoting human rights in Libya and beyond, Hajer Sharief works against society's flow -- and across generations -- to find solutions.
Why you should listen
When Hajer Sharief was young, she had no risk assessment skills. If she felt like jumping from a cliff, she did so without thinking of the consequences. As an older and wiser activist, she tends to balance risks -- but she still actively keeps an element of risk-free thinking when it comes to doing the right thing.
As cofounder of the Together We Build It Foundation, an intergenerational organization working to builds peace in Libya, Sharief promotes human rights, gender equality and political participation. Doing the right thing regardless of risk remains her life principle, and activism remains her lifestyle -- one that helps individuals become aware of their responsibility towards humanity and the environment.
Hajer Sharief | Speaker | TED.com