TED2010
Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"
Julia Sweeney té "La Xerrada"
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Tot i els seus millors esforços, la comedianta Julia Sweeney es veu obligada a explicar una mentida pietosa quan la seva filla de 8 anys comença a aprendre coses sobre la reproducció de les granotes (i comença a fer preguntes més intel·ligents).
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
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Tinc una filla, la Mulan.
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
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I l'any passat, quan en tenia vuit,
00:20
she was doing a report for school
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estava fent un treball de l'escola
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
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o tenia uns deures sobre les granotes.
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
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I estàvem en un restaurant,
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
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i ella va dir: "O sigui que
00:28
frogs lay eggs
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les granotes ponen ous,
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
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els ous es tornen capgrossos
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
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i els capgrossos es tornen granotes".
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
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I jo vaig dir: "Sí. Saps? No estic pas gaire
al cas de la reproducció de les granotes.
al cas de la reproducció de les granotes.
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
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Són les femelles, em sembla, que ponen els ous,
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
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i després els mascles les fecunden.
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
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I després es tornen capgrossos i granotes".
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
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I ella diu: "Què? Només les femelles tenen ous?"
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
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I jo vaig dir: "Sí".
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
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I ella: "I què és això de fecundar?"
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
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I jo vaig dir com: "Oh, és aquell ingredient extra,
00:51
you know, that you need
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saps, que necessites
00:53
to create a new frog
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per crear una granota nova
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
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de la mama i el papa granotes". (Riure)
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
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I ella va dir: "Oh, doncs és el mateix
pels homes, també?"
pels homes, també?"
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
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I vaig pensar: "Molt bé, som-hi".
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
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No sabia que passaria tan ràpid, als vuit anys.
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
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Intentava recordar tots els manuals,
01:07
and all I could remember was,
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i l'únic que vaig poder recordar va ser:
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
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"Responeu només la pregunta que fan.
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
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No doneu cap més informació". (Riure)
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
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Per tant, vaig dir: "Sí".
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
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I va dir: "I on, hmm,
01:19
where do human women,
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les dones humanes on...
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
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o sigui, on ponen els ous les dones?"
01:23
And I said, "Well,
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I vaig dir: "Bé,
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
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fa gràcia que ho preguntis. (Riure)
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
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Hem evolucionat fins a tenir el nostre propi estany.
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
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Tenim el nostre estany particular dins el cos.
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
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I ponem els ous allà,
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
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no ens hem de preocupar pels ous
dels altres ni res d'això.
dels altres ni res d'això.
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
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És el nostre estany. I així és com va."
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
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I ella: "Així doncs, com són fecundades?"
01:44
And I said, "Well,
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I jo vaig dir: "Bé,
01:46
Men, through their penis,
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Els homes, a través del penis,
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
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fecunden els ous amb l'esperma que surt
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
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i passa a través de la vagina de la dona".
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
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I estàvem allà menjant,
ella es queda amb la boca oberta
ella es queda amb la boca oberta
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
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i diu: "Mama!
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
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Igual que per on vas al lavabo?"
02:02
And I said, "I know.
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I vaig dir: "Ja ho sé.
02:04
I know."
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Ja ho sé".
02:06
(Laughter)
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(Riure)
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
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Hem evolucionat així. És ben estrany.
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
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És com tenir una deixalleria
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
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just al costat d'un parc d'atraccions...
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
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Mal situat, però..." (Riure)
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
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Ella estava com: "Què?" I diu: "Però mama,
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
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però els homes i les dones
mai no es poden veure despullats, mama.
mai no es poden veure despullats, mama.
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
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O sigui que com pot passar?"
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
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I després jo: "Bé", i em vaig posar
el meu barret d'educadora sexual.
el meu barret d'educadora sexual.
02:34
"Human males and females
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Els homes i les dones
02:36
develop a special bond,
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desenvolupen un vincle especial,
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
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i quan són més grans, molt molt més grans que tu,
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
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i tenen un sentiment molt especial,
02:44
then they can be naked together."
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després poden estar despullats junts".
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
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I va dir: "Mama,
02:48
have you done this before?"
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tu ho has fet mai abans?"
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
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I vaig dir: "Sí".
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
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I va dir: "Però mama, tu no pots tenir fills".
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
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Perquè sap que l'he adoptada i que no puc tenir fills.
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
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I vaig dir: "Sí".
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
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I ella: "Bé, doncs així no cal que ho tornis a fer".
03:01
And I said, "..."
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I jo: "..."
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
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I després va dir: "Però com va quan un home
i una dona estan junts?
i una dona estan junts?
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
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O sigui, com saben quan és el moment?
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
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Mama, l'home va i pregunta:
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
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'Ara és el moment de treure'm els pantalons?'"
03:13
(Laughter)
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(Riure)
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
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I vaig dir: "Sí".
03:17
(Laughter)
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(Riure)
03:19
"That is exactly right.
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"És exactament això.
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
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Funciona just així".
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
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Després tornàvem a casa amb cotxe,
ella mirava per la finestra i va dir:
ella mirava per la finestra i va dir:
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
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"Mama. I si dues persones es veiessin al carrer,
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
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un home i una dona, i comencessin a fer-ho.
Pot ser que passi mai?"
Pot ser que passi mai?"
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
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I jo vaig dir: "Oh, no.
Els humans són molt reservats.
Els humans són molt reservats.
03:35
Oh ..."
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Oh..."
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
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I ella: "I si per exemple hi hagués una festa
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
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i hi hagués un grup de noies i un grup de nois,
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
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i hi hagués un pilot d'homes i dones
i comencessin a fer-ho, mama?
i comencessin a fer-ho, mama?
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
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Podria passar mai?"
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
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I jo: "Oh, no, no.
03:49
That's not how we do it."
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No ho fem pas així".
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
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Després vam anar a casa
i vam veure el gat. I ella va dir:
i vam veure el gat. I ella va dir:
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
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"Mama, com ho fan els gats?"
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
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I jo: "Oh, és el mateix. És bàsicament el mateix".
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
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I ella es va obsessionar amb les cames.
"Però com anirien les cames, mama?
"Però com anirien les cames, mama?
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
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No entenc això de les cames".
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
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Deia: "Mama, no tothom pot fer l'espagat".
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
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I jo: "Ja ho sé, però les cames..."
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
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i vaig dir com: "Les cames no són problema".
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
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I ella: "És que no ho puc entendre".
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
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I vaig dir: "Mira, perquè no anem a Internet,
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
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i potser ho podem veure.. com a Wikipedia". (Riure)
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
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I ens vam connectar
i vam posar "gats aparellant-se".
i vam posar "gats aparellant-se".
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
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I, per desgràcia, a YouTube hi ha molts vídeos
de gats aparellant-se.
de gats aparellant-se.
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
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I ho vam mirar i jo estava molt agraïda,
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
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perquè estava com: "Uau! Això és increïble!"
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
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I diu: "I els gossos?"
04:27
So we put in dogs mating, and,
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I vam posar gossos aparellant-se i,
04:29
you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
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sabeu, ho estàvem mirant
i ella estava totalment concentrada.
i ella estava totalment concentrada.
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
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I després diu: "Mama,
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
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creus que a Internet hi haurà
04:36
any humans mating?"
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humans aparellant-se?"
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Riure)
04:41
And then I realized that
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I de cop em vaig adonar
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
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que havia agafat la meva nena de vuit anys de la mà
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
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i l'havia portat directe al porno d'Internet. (Riure)
04:47
And I looked into this
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I vaig mirar la seva cara
04:49
trusting, loving face,
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ingènua i tendra
04:51
and I said,
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i vaig dir:
04:53
"Oh, no.
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"Oh, no.
04:55
That would never happen."
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Això no passarà mai".
04:57
Thank you.
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Gràcies.
04:59
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
05:01
Thank you.
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Gràcies.
05:03
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
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Gràcies. Estic molt contenta d'estar aquí.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwrightJulia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.
Why you should listen
Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.
Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com