TED2010
Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"
ジュリア・スウィーニの談話
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コメディアンのジュリア・スウィーニは、彼女の努力とは逆に、８歳の娘さんが蛙に生殖について学び始めた時ちょっとした嘘をつかなくてはなりません。というのも娘さんがとても機転の利いた質問をし始めるからです。
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
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私にはムーランという娘がいます
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
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去年彼女は8歳で
00:20
she was doing a report for school
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学校のレポートというか
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
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蛙についての宿題がありました
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
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レストランにいる時
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
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彼女は言いました
00:28
frogs lay eggs
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「要は 基本的に蛙は卵を産んで」
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
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「卵がオタマジャクシになって」
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
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「オタマジャクシが蛙になるのね」
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
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私は言います「そうね 蛙の生殖は詳しくないけど」
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
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「雌が卵を産むんだと思う」
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
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「それで雄が卵を受精させて」
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
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「卵がオタマジャクシになり 蛙になる」
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
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娘は言います「え?卵を雌だけ産むの?」
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
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私は答えます「そうよ」
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
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娘は続けて「じゃあ受精ってなに?」
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
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大雑把に答えました
00:51
you know, that you need
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「あぁ お父さん蛙とお母さん蛙から」
00:53
to create a new frog
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「新しい蛙を作るのに必要な」
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
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「えぇと 特別な成分ね」
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
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すると娘は「へえ じゃあ人間もそうなの?」
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
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私は考えました「はいはい 来ました」
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
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8歳でこの時が来るとは思ってませんでした
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
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あらゆる教本を思いだそうとして
01:07
and all I could remember was,
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思いだせたことと言えば
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
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「子供の聞いていることだけ答えて」
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
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「余計な情報は与えないこと」
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
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そこで私は言いました「そうよ」
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
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次に彼女は言いました
01:19
where do human women,
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「どこで どこで 人間の雌は」
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
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「どこで卵を産むの?」
01:23
And I said, "Well,
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私は言います「えぇっと」
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
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「そんなこと聞くなんておかしいわね」
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
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「人間は進化したから自分の池を持ってるの」
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
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「自分の体内に池を持ってるのよ」
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
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「そこに卵を産むのよ」
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
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「他の卵とか余計な事心配する必要はないの」
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
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「それは自分の池なの まぁそういう訳ね」
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
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すると彼女は「どうやって卵を受精させるの?」
01:44
And I said, "Well,
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そこで私は言いました
01:46
Men, through their penis,
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「そうね 男性のペニスから」
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
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「女性の膣を通るよう射精して」
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
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「受精するのよ」
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
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私達は当に食事中で 彼女は
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
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唖然としてこう言います
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
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「ママ!それってトイレに行くようなもの?」
02:02
And I said, "I know.
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私は答えます「はいはい そういうこと」
02:04
I know."
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「そういうことね」
02:06
(Laughter)
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(笑)
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
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そうやって進化したのね 少し変だけど
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
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ゴミ処理場が遊園地の
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
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すぐ隣にあるようなもんね
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
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まずい配置です...でも
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
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彼女は続けて「え?何?」
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
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「でもママ 男と女って裸で会わないよ」
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
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「どうしてそんなことできるの?」
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
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そこで私はマーガレット ミードを演じました
02:34
"Human males and females
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「人間の男女は」
02:36
develop a special bond,
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「特別な関係を築けるの」
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
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「だからあなたよりずっとずっと大きくなったら」
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
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「男女は特別な感情を持って」
02:44
then they can be naked together."
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「お互い裸になれるのよ」
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
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すると彼女は言います「ママ」
02:48
have you done this before?"
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「ママも前そういう事したの?」
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
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そこで私は答えます「ええ」
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
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すると彼女は「でもママ子供産めないじゃん」
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
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私が不妊で彼女が養子と知ってるんです
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
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そして私は言います「そうよ」
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
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すると彼女は「じゃあ もうそんな事しなくていいね」
03:01
And I said, "..."
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私の答えは「…」
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
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次に娘は「でも男女が裸でどうやってそんな事が起こるの?」
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
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「どうしてタイミングとか分かるの?」
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
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「ママ 男の方が」
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
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「『今パンツを脱ぐときか?』って言うの?」
03:13
(Laughter)
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(笑)
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
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そして私は言います「そうよ」
03:17
(Laughter)
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(笑)
03:19
"That is exactly right.
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「大正解」
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
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「当にその通りね」
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
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帰宅途中の車内 娘は窓の外を眺て言います
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
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「ママ 2人の人が路上でもし会って」
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
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「それを始めたらどうなるの?そんなことあるの?」
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
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私は「いや 人間はとてもプライベートでね」
03:35
Oh ..."
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「そんなことはないのよ」
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
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すると彼女は「じゃあ 男女がたくさんいる」
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
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「パーティがあったとして」
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
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「皆がそれを始めちゃったらどうなるの?」
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
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「そんなことってあるの?」
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
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私は言います「いやいや」
03:49
That's not how we do it."
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「人間はそんな風にはしないわ」
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
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そして家に着き うちの猫を見て彼女は
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
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「ママ 猫はどうするの?」
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
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私は言います「ああ 同じよ 基本的には同じ」
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
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娘は足を絡ませ「でもママ 脚はどうするの?」
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
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「脚のことが分からないわ」
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
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続けて「皆が股割出来るわけじゃないよ」
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
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そして私は言います「そうね でも脚は...」
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
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「なんとかなるのよ」と言ってみる
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
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娘は「でも全然わからない」
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
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そこで私は「じゃあ ネットで調べてみよう」
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
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「何か分かるかもね…ウィキぺディアとかで」
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
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ネットにアクセスし「猫の交尾」で検索しました
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
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不運にYoutubeに動画が幾つもありました
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
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それらを見て彼女は幸いにも
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
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「わぁ すごーい」とだけ言いました
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
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しかし次に「犬はどうするの?」
04:27
So we put in dogs mating, and,
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そこで私達は「犬の交尾」で検索して
04:29
you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
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動画を見て 彼女ははまってしまいます
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
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娘は続けて「ママ」
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
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「インターネットに人間の交尾の」
04:36
any humans mating?"
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「動画もあるかな?」
04:39
(Laughter)
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(笑)
04:41
And then I realized that
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そして気付くと8歳の我が娘を
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
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インターネットポルノへと
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
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導いていたのです
04:47
And I looked into this
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そして私は純粋無垢な
04:49
trusting, loving face,
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愛すべき娘の顔を見つめて
04:51
and I said,
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言います
04:53
"Oh, no.
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「まぁ やだ」
04:55
That would never happen."
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「あるわけないじゃない」
04:57
Thank you.
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ありがとうございました
04:59
(Applause)
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(拍手)
05:01
Thank you.
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ご清聴ありがとうございました
05:03
(Applause)
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（拍手）
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
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ありがとう とても楽しかったです
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwrightJulia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.
Why you should listen
Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.
Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com