TED2010
Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"
Filmed:
Readability: 2.6
3,719,405 views
Despite her best efforts, comedian Julia Sweeney is forced to tell a little white lie when her 8-year-old begins learning about frog reproduction -- and starts to ask some very smart questions.
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
0
0
2000
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
1
2000
3000
00:20
she was doing a report for school
2
5000
2000
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
3
7000
2000
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
4
9000
2000
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
5
11000
2000
00:28
frogs lay eggs
6
13000
2000
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
7
15000
2000
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
8
17000
2000
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
9
19000
3000
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
10
22000
2000
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
11
24000
2000
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
12
26000
2000
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
13
28000
2000
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
14
30000
2000
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
15
32000
2000
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
16
34000
2000
00:51
you know, that you need
17
36000
2000
00:53
to create a new frog
18
38000
2000
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
19
40000
2000
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
20
42000
3000
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
21
45000
3000
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
22
48000
2000
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
23
50000
2000
01:07
and all I could remember was,
24
52000
2000
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
25
54000
2000
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
26
56000
3000
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
27
59000
2000
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
28
61000
3000
01:19
where do human women,
29
64000
2000
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
30
66000
2000
01:23
And I said, "Well,
31
68000
2000
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
32
70000
3000
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
33
73000
3000
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
34
76000
3000
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
35
79000
2000
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
36
81000
3000
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
37
84000
3000
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
38
87000
2000
01:44
And I said, "Well,
39
89000
2000
01:46
Men, through their penis,
40
91000
3000
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
41
94000
3000
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
42
97000
3000
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
43
100000
2000
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
44
102000
2000
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
45
104000
3000
02:02
And I said, "I know.
46
107000
2000
02:04
I know."
47
109000
2000
02:06
(Laughter)
48
111000
6000
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
49
117000
2000
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
50
119000
3000
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
51
122000
3000
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
52
125000
2000
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
53
127000
3000
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
54
130000
3000
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
55
133000
2000
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
56
135000
3000
02:34
"Human males and females
57
139000
2000
02:36
develop a special bond,
58
141000
3000
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
59
144000
3000
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
60
147000
2000
02:44
then they can be naked together."
61
149000
2000
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
62
151000
2000
02:48
have you done this before?"
63
153000
2000
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
64
155000
3000
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
65
158000
2000
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
66
160000
2000
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
67
162000
2000
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
68
164000
2000
03:01
And I said, "..."
69
166000
3000
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
70
169000
3000
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
71
172000
2000
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
72
174000
2000
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
73
176000
2000
03:13
(Laughter)
74
178000
2000
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
75
180000
2000
03:17
(Laughter)
76
182000
2000
03:19
"That is exactly right.
77
184000
3000
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
78
187000
2000
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
79
189000
3000
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
80
192000
2000
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
81
194000
3000
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
82
197000
3000
03:35
Oh ..."
83
200000
2000
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
84
202000
2000
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
85
204000
2000
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
86
206000
3000
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
87
209000
2000
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
88
211000
3000
03:49
That's not how we do it."
89
214000
3000
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
90
217000
2000
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
91
219000
2000
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
92
221000
2000
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
93
223000
2000
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
94
225000
2000
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
95
227000
2000
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
96
229000
2000
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
97
231000
2000
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
98
233000
1000
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
99
234000
2000
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
100
236000
3000
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
101
240000
2000
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
102
242000
3000
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
103
245000
2000
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
104
247000
2000
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
105
249000
3000
04:27
So we put in dogs mating, and,
106
252000
2000
04:29
you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
107
254000
2000
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
108
256000
2000
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
109
258000
3000
04:36
any humans mating?"
110
261000
3000
04:39
(Laughter)
111
264000
2000
04:41
And then I realized that
112
266000
2000
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
113
268000
2000
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
114
270000
2000
04:47
And I looked into this
115
272000
2000
04:49
trusting, loving face,
116
274000
2000
04:51
and I said,
117
276000
2000
04:53
"Oh, no.
118
278000
2000
04:55
That would never happen."
119
280000
2000
04:57
Thank you.
120
282000
2000
04:59
(Applause)
121
284000
2000
05:01
Thank you.
122
286000
2000
05:03
(Applause)
123
288000
3000
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
124
291000
2000
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwrightJulia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.
Why you should listen
Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.
Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com