TED2010
Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"
朱莉娅斯威尼（Julia Sweeney）和女儿的“谈话”
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八岁的女儿开始学习青蛙的繁殖，并提出一些非常棘手的问题时， 喜剧演员朱莉娅斯威尼使尽解术仍不得不撒了个小谎。
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
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我的女儿叫木兰。
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
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去年她刚好八岁，
00:20
she was doing a report for school
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学校要她做个报告，
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
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要么就是她得做些和青蛙有关的家庭作业。
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
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当时我们在餐馆，
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
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她说，”那么，基本上，
00:28
frogs lay eggs
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青蛙产卵，
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
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卵变成蝌蚪，
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
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然后蝌蚪变成青蛙。”
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
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我回答，“大概吧，我对青蛙繁殖不是很熟悉，
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
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我想，应该是雌青蛙产卵，
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
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雄青蛙使他们受精，
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
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然后就变成了蝌蚪和青蛙。”
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
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女儿说，”什么？只有雌青蛙产卵？“
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
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我说，”是的。“
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
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她问，”那么什么是受精？“
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
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我就回答，”噢，是额外的一种成分...
00:51
you know, that you need
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你知道，需要这种额外的成分
00:53
to create a new frog
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来使得青蛙爸爸和青蛙妈妈
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
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得到一只青蛙宝宝。”
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
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她又问，“哦，人类也是这样吗？”
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
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我心想，“这下好了，该来的还是要来。”
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
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我没有想到这事来得这么快，她才八岁。
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
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我努力回想所有给家长的指导丛书，
01:07
and all I could remember was,
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唯一能想起就是，
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
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“只回答孩子们问的问题，
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
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不要提供任何额外的信息。“
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
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于是我说，”是。“
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
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她又问：“ 在哪里，
01:19
where do human women,
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人类妇女
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
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在哪里产卵呢？
01:23
And I said, "Well,
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我回答，“嗯，
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
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好问题，
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
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我们已经进化到了有自己的池塘，
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
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我们的身体里有属于自己的池塘。
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
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就在体内的池塘里产卵。
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
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我们也不用担心会和别人的卵搞混，
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
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因为那是我们自己的池子。就是这么回事。“
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
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她又问，”那么这些卵怎么受精呢？“
01:44
And I said, "Well,
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我回答，”嗯，
01:46
Men, through their penis,
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通过男人的阴茎，
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
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他们的精子使卵子受精。
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
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这要经过女人的阴道。“
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
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当时我们正在吃饭，她惊讶得把嘴张得老大，下巴恨不得掉下来，
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
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喊道，”妈妈！
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
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就是我们上厕所时用的的地方？”
02:02
And I said, "I know.
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我说，“可不是～～
02:04
I know."
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可不是～～
02:06
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
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但这就是我们的进化，是有点奇怪，
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
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就好像把一个废弃物处理站
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
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建得紧靠游乐场一样，
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
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规划不当。但是……
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
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她又惊呼“什么？但是妈妈
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
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男人和女人不能看见彼此光着身子的样子啊妈妈。
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
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那么这怎么可能发生呢？”
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
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这时我摆出一副人类学家的模样开始步道：
02:34
"Human males and females
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"男人和女人呢，
02:36
develop a special bond,
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会发展出一种特别的关系，
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
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当他们长大时，比你可要大得多的多，
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
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他们之间会产生一种特别的情感，
02:44
then they can be naked together."
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到那时他们就可以赤裸相见。“
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
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她问，“妈妈，
02:48
have you done this before?"
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你以前也做过那些？”
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
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我回答，“是的。”
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
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她又说，“但是妈妈，你不能生小孩啊。”
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
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因为她知道她是我领养的小孩因为我不能生育。
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
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我回答，“是的。”
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
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她松了口气，“谢天谢地你不用再做那些了。”
03:01
And I said, "..."
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我无语。
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
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过了一会儿她又问了，“但是当一个男人和一个女人在一起时那些事情会怎样发生呢？
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
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就好比，他们怎么知道是时候了呢？
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
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妈妈，难道男人就直接问，
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
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现在是时候脱裤子了吗?"
03:13
(Laughter)
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(大笑)
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
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我说，“没错。
03:17
(Laughter)
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（狂笑）
03:19
"That is exactly right.
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完全正确
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
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就是这么说的。”
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
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后来我们开车回家，她看着窗外，问道，
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
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“妈妈，如果两个人在街上遇到，
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
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一个男的一个女的，然后他们就突然开始做那事了，会不会这样啊？”
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
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我说，“噢，不，人类是很注重隐私的。
03:35
Oh ..."
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哦，不会的。“
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
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她又说，”如果有个聚会，
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
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有一群男人和一群女人。
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
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然后他们就突然开始做那事了。妈妈，
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
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这会不会发生啊？“
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
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我回答，”噢，不，不，
03:49
That's not how we do it."
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我们不会这样做的。”
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
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随后我们到家，看见只猫，她又问道，
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
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“妈妈，猫咪们是怎么做的呢？”
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
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我回答，“是一样的，基本上一样。”
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
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她立刻纠缠在腿的问题上，“但是，腿要怎么放呢？妈妈
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
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我不知道腿要怎么办。“
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
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她说，”妈妈，又不是每个人都会劈叉。“
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
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我说，”我知道，但这腿……”
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
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腿的问题自己会解决啦。”
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
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她纠缠不放，“但是我想不通。”
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
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没办法，我只好说，“要不我们上网吧，
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
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也许可以看到。”我当时猜测维基百科之类。
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
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于是我们上网，搜索猫的交配。
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
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不幸的是，在YouTube上，有无数猫的交配视频。
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
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我们看了，非常谢天谢地的，
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
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她只是一直感叹，“哇，多么神奇啊！”
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
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她又继续，“那么狗狗呢？”
04:27
So we put in dogs mating, and,
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我们接着搜索狗的交配，
04:29
you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
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你知道，又看了那些视频，她完全沉浸其中。
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
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她再次发问，“妈妈，
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
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你说网上会不会有
04:36
any humans mating?"
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人交配的视频啊？”
04:39
(Laughter)
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（大笑）
04:41
And then I realized that
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这时我才意识到，
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
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我牵着八岁女儿的手，
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
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一直把她带进了网络色情片的殿堂。
04:47
And I looked into this
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我看着她
04:49
trusting, loving face,
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她那天真充满信任的脸，
04:51
and I said,
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我说，
04:53
"Oh, no.
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“哦，不，
04:55
That would never happen."
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绝对没有。”
04:57
Thank you.
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谢谢大家。
04:59
(Applause)
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（掌声）
05:01
Thank you.
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谢谢。
05:03
(Applause)
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（掌声不断）
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
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谢谢，很高兴来这里。
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwrightJulia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.
Why you should listen
Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.
Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com