TEDMED 2013
Andrew Solomon: Love, no matter what
安德魯 • 索羅門: 愛，沒有條件
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如果孩子和你截然不同，例如是天才、殘障人士、或罪犯，那會是什麼感受？這場平靜感人的演說，作家安德魯 • 索羅門（Andrew Solomon ）與您分享他訪問數十位父母之後的領悟 — 他問家長：「無條件的愛和無條件的接受，區別在哪裡？」
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
"Even in purely non-religious terms,
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「即使完全不就宗教的觀點而言
00:16
homosexuality represents a misuse of the sexual faculty.
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同性戀仍是性機能的誤用
00:22
It is a pathetic little second-rate substitute for reality --
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是一種可悲又渺小的二流現實替代品
00:27
a pitiable flight from life.
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是一場逃離人生的可憐之旅
00:29
As such, it deserves no compassion,
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因此，同性戀不值得同情
00:33
it deserves no treatment
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不值得擁有
00:36
as minority martyrdom,
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受苦的少數族群該有的待遇
00:38
and it deserves not to be deemed anything but a pernicious sickness."
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同性戀應該被視為一種惡性疾病。」
00:45
That's from Time magazine in 1966, when I was three years old.
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那是引自 1966 年的時代雜誌，我當時三歲
00:50
And last year, the president of the United States
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而去年，美國總統
00:54
came out in favor of gay marriage.
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公開表態支持同性婚姻
00:57
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
01:04
And my question is, how did we get from there to here?
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我的問題是，我們是怎麼走過來的？
01:10
How did an illness become an identity?
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疾病是如何變成一種身分的？
01:15
When I was perhaps six years old,
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我大概六歲的時候
01:18
I went to a shoe store with my mother and my brother.
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跟媽媽和弟弟去鞋店
01:21
And at the end of buying our shoes,
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買完鞋後
01:23
the salesman said to us that we could each have a balloon to take home.
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店員告訴我們可以各拿一個氣球回家
01:27
My brother wanted a red balloon, and I wanted a pink balloon.
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我弟弟想要紅色的，我想要粉紅色的
01:32
My mother said that she thought I'd really rather have a blue balloon.
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媽媽說我想要的其實是藍色的氣球
01:37
But I said that I definitely wanted the pink one.
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但是我堅決表示，我想要粉紅色的
01:40
And she reminded me that my favorite color was blue.
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媽媽提醒我，藍色才是我的最愛
01:46
The fact that my favorite color now is blue, but I'm still gay --
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現在我最愛的顏色確實是藍色，但我仍舊是同志
01:51
(Laughter) --
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（笑聲）
01:54
is evidence of both my mother's influence and its limits.
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證明了媽媽影響力之大，但也有其極限
01:58
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:00
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
02:07
When I was little, my mother used to say,
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小時候媽媽常常告訴我
02:10
"The love you have for your children is like no other feeling in the world.
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「父母對子女的愛是世上獨一無二的感情
02:14
And until you have children, you don't know what it's like."
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等到你為人父母才能體會。 」
02:17
And when I was little, I took it as the greatest compliment in the world
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媽媽會如此表達養育我和弟弟的心情
02:21
that she would say that about parenting my brother and me.
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小時候我認為那是至高無上的讚美
02:24
And when I was an adolescent, I thought
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等到了青春期，我就開始想
02:26
that I'm gay, and so I probably can't have a family.
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我是同志，大概不能有家庭了
02:30
And when she said it, it made me anxious.
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那時媽媽舊話重提，讓我感到不安
02:32
And after I came out of the closet,
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我出櫃以後
02:33
when she continued to say it, it made me furious.
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媽媽還繼續說，我就發飆了
02:37
I said, "I'm gay. That's not the direction that I'm headed in.
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我告訴她「我是同志，不打算走那條路
02:41
And I want you to stop saying that."
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請您以後別再提了。」
02:47
About 20 years ago, I was asked by my editors at The New York Times Magazine
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大約 20 年前，紐約時報雜誌的編輯向我邀稿
02:52
to write a piece about deaf culture.
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讓我寫一篇聾人文化的文章
02:54
And I was rather taken aback.
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我大吃一驚
02:56
I had thought of deafness entirely as an illness.
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在那之前我一直認為耳聾完全是一種疾病
02:58
Those poor people, they couldn't hear.
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那群可憐的人，他們聽不到
03:00
They lacked hearing, and what could we do for them?
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他們失去了聽力，我們幫得上忙嗎？
03:03
And then I went out into the deaf world.
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然後我走進聾人的世界
03:05
I went to deaf clubs.
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我去了聾人俱樂部
03:07
I saw performances of deaf theater and of deaf poetry.
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我去看聾人戲劇和聾人詩歌
03:11
I even went to the Miss Deaf America contest in Nashville, Tennessee
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我甚至去了田納西州的納許維爾
看聾人美國小姐大賽
看聾人美國小姐大賽
03:17
where people complained about that slurry Southern signing.
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那裡有人抱怨含糊的南方手語
03:21
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:25
And as I plunged deeper and deeper into the deaf world,
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當我越來越深入聾人的世界
03:29
I become convinced that deafness was a culture
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我開始確信聾是一種文化
03:32
and that the people in the deaf world who said,
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也相信聾人所說
03:35
"We don't lack hearing, we have membership in a culture,"
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「我們沒有聽覺的缺憾，我們是聾文化的成員。」
03:38
were saying something that was viable.
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這種說法是站得住腳的
03:41
It wasn't my culture,
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聾不是我的文化
03:42
and I didn't particularly want to rush off and join it,
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我也不是特別想要跑去參與
03:45
but I appreciated that it was a culture
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但是我體會得出聾是一種文化
03:48
and that for the people who were members of it,
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對於聾人而言
03:50
it felt as valuable as Latino culture or gay culture or Jewish culture.
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聾文化的價值不亞於
拉美裔文化、同志文化或猶太文化
拉美裔文化、同志文化或猶太文化
03:56
It felt as valid perhaps even as American culture.
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我覺得聾文化也許甚至和美國文化一樣正當
04:01
Then a friend of a friend of mine had a daughter who was a dwarf.
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然後我朋友的朋友生了一個侏儒女兒
04:04
And when her daughter was born,
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她女兒出生時
04:06
she suddenly found herself confronting questions
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她突然面臨難題
04:08
that now began to seem quite resonant to me.
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我現在頗能體會她當時的心境
04:11
She was facing the question of what to do with this child.
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她面對的問題是怎麼教小孩
04:15
Should she say, "You're just like everyone else but a little bit shorter?"
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她應該說：「妳和大家沒兩樣，只不過稍矮一點」嗎？
04:18
Or should she try to construct some kind of dwarf identity,
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還是她應該打造某種侏儒身分
04:22
get involved in the Little People of America,
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參與美國矮人協會
04:24
become aware of what was happening for dwarfs?
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去認識侏儒面臨的問題
04:27
And I suddenly thought,
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我當時突然想到
04:28
most deaf children are born to hearing parents.
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大多數聾人的父母是聽得見的
04:31
Those hearing parents tend to try to cure them.
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有聽力的父母通常會想治好聾孩子
04:34
Those deaf people discover community somehow in adolescence.
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但是這些聾人在青少年時期總是能找到自己的社群
04:38
Most gay people are born to straight parents.
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大多數同志的父母不是同性戀
04:40
Those straight parents often want them to function
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那些不是同志的父母通常會要求同志
04:42
in what they think of as the mainstream world,
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在父母認知的主流社會裡表現正常
04:45
and those gay people have to discover identity later on.
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這些同志要等到以後才能發覺自己的身分
04:48
And here was this friend of mine
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而我的那位朋友
04:50
looking at these questions of identity with her dwarf daughter.
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她在思考侏儒女兒的身分問題
04:53
And I thought, there it is again:
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我當時就想，又是同樣的問題
04:55
A family that perceives itself to be normal
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一個自認為正常的家庭
04:58
with a child who seems to be extraordinary.
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卻有了看似與眾不同的孩子
05:00
And I hatched the idea that there are really two kinds of identity.
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於是我的想法誕生了：其實身分有兩種
05:05
There are vertical identities,
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一種是垂直身分
05:06
which are passed down generationally from parent to child.
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從父母到子女世代相傳
05:09
Those are things like ethnicity, frequently nationality, language, often religion.
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像是種族，經常包括國籍、語言，通常也有宗教
05:15
Those are things you have in common with your parents and with your children.
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這些都是你和你的父母及子女共同擁有的
05:20
And while some of them can be difficult,
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有些垂直身分或許難以認同
05:22
there's no attempt to cure them.
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但沒有人想要改正這些身分
05:24
You can argue that it's harder in the United States --
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你可以主張美國有一種身分較為困難
05:27
our current presidency notwithstanding --
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姑且不論現任總統也是這個身分
05:29
to be a person of color.
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就是有色人種
05:31
And yet, we have nobody who is trying to ensure
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然而沒人會想要確保
05:34
that the next generation of children born to African-Americans and Asians
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非裔和亞裔美國人的下一代
05:38
come out with creamy skin and yellow hair.
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生出來的時候會是金髮白膚
05:41
There are these other identities which you have to learn from a peer group.
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另一種身分必須從同輩中得知
05:45
And I call them horizontal identities,
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我稱之為水平身分
05:48
because the peer group is the horizontal experience.
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因為同輩之間的體驗是水平的
05:51
These are identities that are alien to your parents
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水平身分是你父母所沒有的
05:53
and that you have to discover when you get to see them in peers.
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必須在同輩之間察覺到這種身分才能認同
05:57
And those identities, those horizontal identities,
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這些身分，這些水平身分
06:00
people have almost always tried to cure.
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人們幾乎總是想要治癒
06:04
And I wanted to look at what the process is
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我要觀察的是一種歷程
06:07
through which people who have those identities
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有這些水平身分的人
06:09
come to a good relationship with them.
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如何處之泰然的歷程
06:12
And it seemed to me that there were three levels of acceptance
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在我看來，似乎需要
06:16
that needed to take place.
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三個層次的接受
06:17
There's self-acceptance, there's family acceptance, and there's social acceptance.
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自我接受、家庭接受、社會接受
06:23
And they don't always coincide.
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三種接受不一定同時發生
06:25
And a lot of the time, people who have these conditions are very angry
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不被接受的人常常會很生氣
06:29
because they feel as though their parents don't love them,
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因為覺得父母好像不愛他們
06:32
when what actually has happened is that their parents don't accept them.
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其實父母只是不贊同他們
06:36
Love is something that ideally is there unconditionally
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愛，理想上是沒有條件的
06:40
throughout the relationship between a parent and a child.
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在親子關係裡恆久存在
06:43
But acceptance is something that takes time.
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但是接受需要時間
06:46
It always takes time.
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總是需要時間
06:48
One of the dwarfs I got to know was a guy named Clinton Brown.
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我認識一位叫做克林頓 • 布朗的侏儒
06:53
When he was born, he was diagnosed with diastrophic dwarfism,
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他出生時被診斷為畸形性侏儒症
06:56
a very disabling condition,
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一種極端殘障的病症
06:58
and his parents were told that he would never walk, he would never talk,
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他的父母被告知，他以後永遠不能走路，也不會說話
07:02
he would have no intellectual capacity,
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還會有智能障礙
07:04
and he would probably not even recognize them.
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甚至可能認不出父母
07:06
And it was suggested to them that they leave him at the hospital
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醫生建議他們把孩子留在醫院
07:10
so that he could die there quietly.
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讓他在那裡靜靜地死去
07:12
And his mother said she wasn't going to do it.
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他的媽媽不願意這麼做
07:14
And she took her son home.
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她把兒子帶回家
07:16
And even though she didn't have a lot of educational or financial advantages,
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雖然媽媽教育程度不高也不富裕
07:19
she found the best doctor in the country
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卻找到了全國最好的醫生
07:21
for dealing with diastrophic dwarfism,
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主治畸形性侏儒症
07:24
and she got Clinton enrolled with him.
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媽媽讓克林頓去看那位醫生
07:26
And in the course of his childhood,
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克林頓的童年
07:28
he had 30 major surgical procedures.
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接受過 30 個重大的外科手術
07:31
And he spent all this time stuck in the hospital
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他為了動手術
07:33
while he was having those procedures,
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長時間待在醫院
07:35
as a result of which he now can walk.
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結果他現在可以走路
07:37
And while he was there, they sent tutors around to help him with his school work.
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他在醫院的時候有老師輔導課業
07:41
And he worked very hard because there was nothing else to do.
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他很用功，因為沒別的事情可做
07:44
And he ended up achieving at a level
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他後來的成就
07:46
that had never before been contemplated by any member of his family.
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家人以前怎麼也想不到
07:50
He was the first one in his family, in fact, to go to college,
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事實上他是家裡面第一位上大學的
07:53
where he lived on campus and drove a specially-fitted car
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他住校而且自己開車
07:56
that accommodated his unusual body.
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一輛為他特殊身體狀況而製的車子
07:59
And his mother told me this story of coming home one day --
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他媽媽有一天告訴我他兒子回家的故事
08:02
and he went to college nearby --
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他的學校離家很近
08:04
and she said, "I saw that car, which you can always recognize,
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她說：「我看到那輛車，一眼就認出來是他的
08:07
in the parking lot of a bar," she said. (Laughter)
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車子停在酒吧的停車場。」（笑聲）
08:11
"And I thought to myself, they're six feet tall, he's three feet tall.
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她說：「我心裡想，他們 180 公分，他才 90 公分
08:16
Two beers for them is four beers for him."
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他們的兩杯啤酒是他的四杯。」
08:18
She said, "I knew I couldn't go in there and interrupt him,
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她說：「我知道不能進去阻止他
08:21
but I went home, and I left him eight messages on his cell phone."
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但我回家後留了八封手機簡訊給他。」
08:25
She said, "And then I thought,
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她說：「然後我心裡想
08:27
if someone had said to me when he was born
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如果他出生時有人告訴我
08:29
that my future worry would be that he'd go drinking and driving with his college buddies -- "
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將來我擔心的會是他和大學同伴酒後駕車...。」
08:34
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
08:43
And I said to her, "What do you think you did
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然後我問她：「妳認為自己做了什麼
08:45
that helped him to emerge as this charming, accomplished, wonderful person?"
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能幫助他成為迷人、有成就、又令人驚嘆的人？
08:50
And she said, "What did I do? I loved him, that's all.
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她回答：「我做了什麼？我愛他，沒別的。」
08:54
Clinton just always had that light in him.
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克林頓的心中總是有著光芒
08:57
And his father and I were lucky enough to be the first to see it there."
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而他父親和我，是有幸最先看到那道光芒的人。」
09:04
I'm going to quote from another magazine of the '60s.
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我要引述 1960 年代另一家雜誌
09:07
This one is from 1968 -- The Atlantic Monthly, voice of liberal America --
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這次是 1968 年的大西洋月刊 —
美國的自由主義之聲
美國的自由主義之聲
09:13
written by an important bioethicist.
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作者是重要的生物倫理學家
09:15
He said, "There is no reason to feel guilty
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他表示：「對於放棄唐氏症兒童
09:19
about putting a Down syndrome child away,
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我們沒有理由內疚
09:22
whether it is put away in the sense of hidden in a sanitarium
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無論是私下送到療養院
09:27
or in a more responsible, lethal sense.
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或是更負責的、一了百了的方式
09:31
It is sad, yes -- dreadful. But it carries no guilt.
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很可悲沒錯，也很可怕。但是不需要內疚
09:36
True guilt arises only from an offense against a person,
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真正的內疚，是冒犯他人
09:40
and a Down's is not a person."
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而唐氏症患者不算是人。」
09:45
There's been a lot of ink given to the enormous progress that we've made
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關於同志處境的大幅進步
09:49
in the treatment of gay people.
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已經有很多文章有所著墨
09:51
The fact that our attitude has changed is in the headlines every day.
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每天的頭條都有報導我們對同志的態度已改變
09:55
But we forget how we used to see people who had other differences,
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但我們忘了過去是怎麼看待其他不同的人
10:00
how we used to see people who were disabled,
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忘了過去是怎麼看待殘障的人
10:02
how inhuman we held people to be.
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忘了過去我們是多麼不人道
10:05
And the change that's been accomplished there,
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在那些方面的改變
10:07
which is almost equally radical,
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幾乎同樣地激進
10:09
is one that we pay not very much attention to.
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我們卻不是很重視
10:11
One of the families I interviewed, Tom and Karen Robards,
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我採訪過羅巴茲家庭的湯姆和凱倫夫婦
10:15
were taken aback when, as young and successful New Yorkers,
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他們當時是年輕且成功的紐約人
10:19
their first child was diagnosed with Down syndrome.
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得知長子是唐氏兒時大為驚訝
10:23
They thought the educational opportunities for him were not what they should be,
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他們認為兒子的教育機會不符期望
10:27
and so they decided they would build a little center --
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於是決定要成立一個小型中心
10:31
two classrooms that they started with a few other parents --
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利用兩間教室，開始和其他父母
10:34
to educate kids with D.S.
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一起教導唐氏兒
10:37
And over the years, that center grew into something called the Cooke Center,
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多年來，該中心已擴大為庫克中心
10:41
where there are now thousands upon thousands
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現在有成千上萬名
10:43
of children with intellectual disabilities who are being taught.
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智障兒童在此受教
10:47
In the time since that Atlantic Monthly story ran,
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自從大西洋月刊登出那篇文章以來
10:50
the life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has tripled.
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唐氏症患者的平均壽命已成長了三倍
10:54
The experience of Down syndrome people includes those who are actors,
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有唐氏症的人包括演員
10:59
those who are writers, some who are able to live fully independently in adulthood.
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作家以及成年後可以完全獨立生活的人
11:05
The Robards had a lot to do with that.
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羅巴茲夫婦的貢獻不小
11:07
And I said, "Do you regret it?
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我問他們：「你們有遺憾嗎？
11:08
Do you wish your child didn't have Down syndrome?
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你們希望自己的孩子不是唐氏兒嗎？
11:11
Do you wish you'd never heard of it?"
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你們希望從未聽過唐氏症這回事嗎？
11:12
And interestingly his father said,
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有趣的是這位父親表示
11:15
"Well, for David, our son, I regret it,
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「這個嘛，為了兒子大衛著想，我有遺憾
11:17
because for David, it's a difficult way to be in the world,
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因為對大衛來說，這個世界的患者之路很難走
11:21
and I'd like to give David an easier life.
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我想讓大衛生活得更輕鬆
11:24
But I think if we lost everyone with Down syndrome, it would be a catastrophic loss."
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但我想，如果世上不再有唐氏兒，會是極大的損失。」
11:29
And Karen Robards said to me, "I'm with Tom.
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凱倫 • 羅巴茲對我說：「我同意湯姆的看法
11:32
For David, I would cure it in an instant to give him an easier life.
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為了讓大衛過得更輕鬆，我會想立刻治癒唐氏症
11:36
But speaking for myself -- well, I would never have believed 23 years ago when he was born
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但對我而言，23年前他出生時，我絕不會相信
11:41
that I could come to such a point --
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我能走到今天這一步
11:43
speaking for myself, it's made me so much better and so much kinder
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對我而言，他的病讓我成為更好、更仁慈的人
11:48
and so much more purposeful in my whole life,
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讓我的人生更有目的
11:51
that speaking for myself, I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world."
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對我而言，這種經驗世上任何東西都換不來。」
11:57
We live at a point when social acceptance for these and many other conditions
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現在社會對這些和其他病症的接受程度
12:02
is on the up and up.
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越來越高
12:03
And yet we also live at the moment
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然而此時此刻
12:05
when our ability to eliminate those conditions
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我們滅絕這些病症的能力
12:08
has reached a height we never imagined before.
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也已經達到了超乎想像的高峰
12:11
Most deaf infants born in the United States now
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美國現在新生的聾兒
12:14
will receive Cochlear implants,
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會接受人工電子耳
12:16
which are put into the brain and connected to a receiver,
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植入大腦並連上接收器
12:21
and which allow them to acquire a facsimile of hearing and to use oral speech.
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讓他們具有聽說的能力
12:26
A compound that has been tested in mice, BMN-111,
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有一種名為 BMN-111 的化合物，已做過小鼠試驗
12:30
is useful in preventing the action of the achondroplasia gene.
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能夠抑制「軟骨發育不全」基因
12:35
Achondroplasia is the most common form of dwarfism,
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軟骨發育不全是侏儒症最常見的形式
12:38
and mice who have been given that substance and who have the achondroplasia gene,
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有「軟骨發育不全」基因的小鼠
攝取了 BMN-11 後
攝取了 BMN-11 後
12:42
grow to full size.
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可以生長到正常體型
12:44
Testing in humans is around the corner.
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人體試驗指日可待
12:46
There are blood tests which are making progress
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唐氏症的驗血的技術也在進步
12:48
that would pick up Down syndrome more clearly and earlier in pregnancies than ever before,
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可以在懷孕時，更早且更明確地鑑別唐氏症
12:54
making it easier and easier for people to eliminate those pregnancies,
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從而越來越容易避免
12:59
or to terminate them.
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唐氏症胎兒的出生
13:00
And so we have both social progress and medical progress.
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因此我們的社會進步了，醫學也進步了
13:05
And I believe in both of them.
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我認同這兩方面的進步
13:07
I believe the social progress is fantastic and meaningful and wonderful,
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我認為社會的進步太棒了、有意義、令人讚歎
13:11
and I think the same thing about the medical progress.
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我認為醫學的進步同樣是好事
13:14
But I think it's a tragedy when one of them doesn't see the other.
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但我認為二者不能配合卻是個悲劇
13:18
And when I see the way they're intersecting
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我觀察他們交會的方式
13:20
in conditions like the three I've just described,
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以我剛才描述的三個病症為例
13:23
I sometimes think it's like those moments in grand opera
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有時侯我會覺得這像大歌劇裡面
13:26
when the hero realizes he loves the heroine
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男主角發現自己愛上了女主角的時刻
13:29
at the exact moment that she lies expiring on a divan.
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就是女主角躺在長沙發上要斷氣的那一刻
13:33
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
13:36
We have to think about how we feel about cures altogether.
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我們必須全盤考量對於治癒的態度
13:40
And a lot of the time the question of parenthood is,
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常常父母面對的問題是
13:43
what do we validate in our children,
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孩子的哪些方面該肯定
13:45
and what do we cure in them?
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哪些方面又需要治療？
13:47
Jim Sinclair, a prominent autism activist, said,
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知名的自閉症行動主義者吉姆 • 辛克萊表示
13:51
"When parents say 'I wish my child did not have autism,'
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「父母說『我希望我的孩子沒有自閉症』
13:55
what they're really saying is 'I wish the child I have did not exist
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他們真正的意思是『我希望這個孩子不存在』
14:00
and I had a different, non-autistic child instead.'
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換成另一個沒有自閉症的孩子
14:04
Read that again. This is what we hear when you mourn over our existence.
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聽清楚。你們哀嘆我們的存在之時
我們聽到的這就是這個意思
我們聽到的這就是這個意思
14:09
This is what we hear when you pray for a cure --
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你們祈禱解藥出現的時候，我們聽到的是 ─
14:12
that your fondest wish for us
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你們衷心希望
14:14
is that someday we will cease to be
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有一天我們不復存在
14:17
and strangers you can love will move in behind our faces."
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和我們有著相同面孔的陌生人
將取代我們，得到你們所有的愛。」
將取代我們，得到你們所有的愛。」
14:22
It's a very extreme point of view,
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這個觀點非常極端
14:25
but it points to the reality that people engage with the life they have
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但指出了一個現實：人們要過自己的生活
14:29
and they don't want to be cured or changed or eliminated.
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不希望被治癒、改變或滅絕
14:34
They want to be whoever it is that they've come to be.
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他們希望保有與生俱來的天性
14:37
One of the families I interviewed for this project
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我為這個專案採訪了迪倫 • 柯萊柏德的家庭
14:41
was the family of Dylan Klebold who was one of the perpetrators of the Columbine massacre.
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迪倫是科倫拜校園慘案的兇手之一
14:46
It took a long time to persuade them to talk to me,
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我花了很長時間說服他的家人跟我談話
14:49
and once they agreed, they were so full of their story
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一旦他們同意談話，因為有太多故事
14:52
that they couldn't stop telling it.
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一開口就欲罷不能
14:53
And the first weekend I spent with them -- the first of many --
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我第一次和他們共度週末 — 後來還有許多次
14:56
I recorded more than 20 hours of conversation.
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我錄了 20 幾個小時的談話
14:59
And on Sunday night, we were all exhausted.
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到了週日晚上，我們都已疲憊不堪
15:01
We were sitting in the kitchen. Sue Klebold was fixing dinner.
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我們坐在廚房裡，蘇柯 • 萊柏德在做晚餐
15:04
And I said, "If Dylan were here now,
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我說：「如果迪倫還在
15:07
do you have a sense of what you'd want to ask him?"
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你們想要問他什麼嗎？」
15:10
And his father said, "I sure do.
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迪倫的父親說：「當然
15:12
I'd want to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing."
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我要問他搞什麼鬼，怎麼會做出那種事。」
15:16
And Sue looked at the floor, and she thought for a minute.
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蘇看著地板，沉思了一會兒
15:19
And then she looked back up and said,
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然後抬頭說
15:21
"I would ask him to forgive me for being his mother
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「我想請他原諒我沒做好母親的角色
15:25
and never knowing what was going on inside his head."
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從來不知道他腦子裡想的是什麼。」
15:30
When I had dinner with her a couple of years later --
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兩年之後我再度和她共度晚餐
15:33
one of many dinners that we had together --
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我們許多共同的晚餐之一
15:35
she said, "You know, when it first happened,
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她說：「你知道嗎，事情發生的時候
15:38
I used to wish that I had never married, that I had never had children.
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我希望自己沒結過婚，沒生過孩子
15:42
If I hadn't gone to Ohio State and crossed paths with Tom,
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我想如果沒去俄亥俄州立大學，沒遇見湯姆
15:45
this child wouldn't have existed and this terrible thing wouldn't have happened.
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就不會有這個孩子，慘案也不會發生了
15:49
But I've come to feel that I love the children I had so much
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但是後來我覺得自己太愛孩子們了
15:54
that I don't want to imagine a life without them.
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不願意想像沒有他們的生活
15:57
I recognize the pain they caused to others, for which there can be no forgiveness,
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我明白他們對別人造成的痛苦，那是無法寬恕的
16:02
but the pain they caused to me, there is," she said.
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但我能寬恕他們帶給我的痛苦。」她說
16:05
"So while I recognize that it would have been better for the world
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「所以雖然我明白，如果迪倫從未出生
16:09
if Dylan had never been born,
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世界會更好
16:12
I've decided that it would not have been better for me."
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但是我認定那樣對我並非更好。」
16:17
I thought it was surprising how all of these families had all of these children with all of these problems,
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我認為令人驚訝的是這些家庭
有這麼多子女的問題
有這麼多子女的問題
16:24
problems that they mostly would have done anything to avoid,
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這些問題又是他們常常不惜代價去避免的
16:27
and that they had all found so much meaning in that experience of parenting.
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但他們都發現養育兒女的經驗很有意義
16:30
And then I thought, all of us who have children
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然後我想，我們這些有孩子的人
16:34
love the children we have, with their flaws.
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愛我們有缺陷的孩子
16:36
If some glorious angel suddenly descended through my living room ceiling
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如果光輝的天使突然從客廳的天花板降臨
16:41
and offered to take away the children I have
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提議帶走我的孩子
16:43
and give me other, better children -- more polite, funnier, nicer, smarter --
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換一個更好的孩子 ─ 更有禮、風趣、友善、聰明
16:49
I would cling to the children I have and pray away that atrocious spectacle.
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我會緊握住自己的孩子不放
祈禱殘忍的場面不會發生
祈禱殘忍的場面不會發生
16:54
And ultimately I feel
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我終究覺得
16:56
that in the same way that we test flame-retardant pajamas in an inferno
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就像我們在大火中測試防火睡衣
17:00
to ensure they won't catch fire when our child reaches across the stove,
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以確保孩子手伸到爐子上時不會著火
17:05
so these stories of families negotiating these extreme differences
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這些家庭超越極端差異的故事
17:09
reflect on the universal experience of parenting,
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反映了普世的育兒經驗
17:11
which is always that sometimes you look at your child and you think,
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有時候你看著孩子，心裡想
17:15
where did you come from?
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你是從哪裡蹦出來的？
17:18
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
17:20
It turns out that while each of these individual differences is siloed --
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事實證明，儘管個別的每一種差異都被掩藏起來
17:25
there are only so many families dealing with schizophrenia,
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畢竟面對精神分裂症的家庭只有這麼多
17:28
there are only so many families of children who are transgender,
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孩子變性的家庭只有這麼多
17:30
there are only so many families of prodigies --
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神童的家庭只有這麼多
17:32
who also face similar challenges in many ways --
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神童家庭也有多方面類似的挑戰
17:35
there are only so many families in each of those categories --
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這些家庭的數目，每一種都不是很多
17:37
but if you start to think
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但如果換個想法
17:39
that the experience of negotiating difference within your family
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你的家人超越差異的經驗
17:42
is what people are addressing,
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是大家都在解決的問題
17:44
then you discover that it's a nearly universal phenomenon.
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那你就會發現這幾乎是普世現象
17:48
Ironically, it turns out, that it's our differences, and our negotiation of difference,
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諷刺的是，事實證明我們的差異以及我們超越了差異
17:53
that unite us.
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使我們團結起來
17:55
I decided to have children while I was working on this project.
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我是在做這個專案的時候才決定要有孩子
18:01
And many people were astonished and said,
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很多人驚訝地問我
18:04
"But how can you decide to have children
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「你怎麼會現在決定要孩子
18:05
in the midst of studying everything that can go wrong?"
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你不是正在研究所有可能出錯之處嗎？」
18:10
And I said, "I'm not studying everything that can go wrong.
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我說：「我不是在研究所有可能出錯之處
18:13
What I'm studying is how much love there can be,
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我研究的是儘管一切看似出了錯
18:16
even when everything appears to be going wrong."
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愛還能夠有多少。」
18:21
I thought a lot about the mother of one disabled child I had seen,
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我常常想到一位母親，我見過她殘障的兒子
18:26
a severely disabled child who died through caregiver neglect.
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那個嚴重殘障的孩子因為看護的疏失而死
18:30
And when his ashes were interred, his mother said,
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他的骨灰入土時，他的母親說
18:33
"I pray here for forgiveness for having been twice robbed,
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「我在這裡祈求寬恕，為了我的孩子兩次被奪走
18:41
once of the child I wanted and once of the son I loved."
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一次失去的是我想要的孩子，一次是我愛的兒子。」
18:47
And I figured it was possible then for anyone to love any child
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於是我想通了，任何人都有可能愛任何孩子
18:52
if they had the effective will to do so.
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只要他們有實際的意願
18:54
So my husband is the biological father of two children
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我丈夫是兩個孩子的生父
18:59
with some lesbian friends in Minneapolis.
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他們的母親是在明尼阿波里斯市的女同志友人
19:02
I had a close friend from college who'd gone through a divorce and wanted to have children.
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我有個大學密友離了婚，想要孩子
19:08
And so she and I have a daughter,
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於是她和我有了一個女兒
19:10
and mother and daughter live in Texas.
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母女住在德州
19:12
And my husband and I have a son who lives with us all the time
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我丈夫和我有個一直住在一起的兒子
19:15
of whom I am the biological father,
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我是他的生父
19:17
and our surrogate for the pregnancy was Laura,
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我們的代孕母是蘿拉
19:21
the lesbian mother of Oliver and Lucy in Minneapolis.
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她是在明尼阿波里斯市的女同志
奧利弗和露西的母親
奧利弗和露西的母親
19:24
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
19:33
So the shorthand is five parents of four children in three states.
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簡言之，我們在三個州有五個父母和四個孩子
19:39
And there are people who think that the existence of my family
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有人認為我家庭的存在
19:42
somehow undermines or weakens or damages their family.
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多少減弱或破壞了他們的家庭
19:47
And there are people who think that families like mine
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還有人認為像我這樣的家庭
19:50
shouldn't be allowed to exist.
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不應該容許存在
19:52
And I don't accept subtractive models of love, only additive ones.
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我不接受減法的愛，只接受加法的愛
19:58
And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity
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而且我相信，就像我們需要物種多樣性
20:01
to ensure that the planet can go on,
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以確保地球能延續下去
20:03
so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family
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我們同樣需要多樣的親情和多樣的家庭
20:08
in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.
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以加強「仁慈生態圈」
20:12
The day after our son was born,
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我們兒子出生的次日
20:15
the pediatrician came into the hospital room and said she was concerned.
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小兒科醫生走進病房表示擔心
20:19
He wasn't extending his legs appropriately.
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孩子伸腿不太正常
20:22
She said that might mean that he had brain damage.
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她說這可能顯示大腦受損
20:25
In so far as he was extending them, he was doing so asymmetrically,
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他有伸過腿，但伸得不對稱
20:29
which she thought could mean that there was a tumor of some kind in action.
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她認為這可能顯示孩子有腫瘤干擾
20:32
And he had a very large head, which she thought might indicate hydrocephalus.
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孩子的頭非常大，她認為這可能顯示腦水腫
20:37
And as she told me all of these things,
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她告訴我這一切的時候
20:39
I felt the very center of my being pouring out onto the floor.
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我覺得六神無主
20:43
And I thought, here I had been working for years
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我當時想，這本書寫了好幾年了
20:45
on a book about how much meaning people had found
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探討養育殘障孩子的經驗
20:48
in the experience of parenting children who are disabled,
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父母從中發現了多少人生的意義
20:51
and I didn't want to join their number.
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我當時卻不想成為他們的一員
20:55
Because what I was encountering was an idea of illness.
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因為我面對的是一種疾病的觀念
20:58
And like all parents since the dawn of time,
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就像自古以來所有的父母
21:00
I wanted to protect my child from illness.
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我想讓我的孩子遠離疾病
21:03
And I wanted also to protect myself from illness.
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我自己也不想得病
21:07
And yet, I knew from the work I had done
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然而我從工作得知
21:09
that if he had any of the things we were about to start testing for,
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如果測試結果他有我們擔心的情況
21:13
that those would ultimately be his identity,
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那些終歸是他的身分
21:16
and if they were his identity they would become my identity,
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如果那些是他的身分，也將成為我的身分
21:21
that that illness was going to take a very different shape as it unfolded.
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我也知道疾病將會發展出非常不同的狀態
21:25
We took him to the MRI machine, we took him to the CAT scanner,
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我們帶他去做核磁共振，去做斷層掃描
21:28
we took this day-old child and gave him over for an arterial blood draw.
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我們讓這個一天大的孩子接受動脈抽血
21:32
We felt helpless.
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我們感到無助
21:33
And at the end of five hours,
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五個小時之後
21:34
they said that his brain was completely clear
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院方表示他的大腦完全沒問題
21:37
and that he was by then extending his legs correctly.
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並且那個時候他已經能夠正常伸腿
21:40
And when I asked the pediatrician what had been going on,
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我問小兒科醫生這到底是怎麼回事
21:43
she said she thought in the morning he had probably had a cramp.
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她說孩子早上可能是抽筋吧
21:47
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
21:51
But I thought how my mother was right.
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但我想我母親真對
21:58
I thought, the love you have for your children
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我心裡想，對孩子的愛
22:02
is unlike any other feeling in the world,
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是世上獨一無二的感情
22:05
and until you have children, you don't know what it feels like.
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等到你為人父母才知道是什麼滋味
22:11
I think children had ensnared me
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我想到作為父親的失落之時
22:14
the moment I connected fatherhood with loss.
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孩子就成了我的陷阱
22:17
But I'm not sure I would have noticed that
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但要不是我一直在鑽研這個專案
22:19
if I hadn't been so in the thick of this research project of mine.
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我不確定會有如此領悟
22:25
I'd encountered so much strange love,
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我接觸了這麼多奇怪的愛
22:28
and I fell very naturally into its bewitching patterns.
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很自然地落入它迷人的模式
22:32
And I saw how splendor can illuminate even the most abject vulnerabilities.
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我看到光彩是如何照亮了甚至最難堪的弱點
22:38
During these 10 years, I had witnessed and learned
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十年來我目睹和學到
22:42
the terrifying joy of unbearable responsibility,
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難忍的責任帶來了令人震懾的喜悅
22:46
and I had come to see how it conquers everything else.
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我看到了這些喜悅征服了一切
22:49
And while I had sometimes thought the parents I was interviewing were fools,
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雖然有時侯我認為受訪的父母是傻子
22:54
enslaving themselves to a lifetime's journey with their thankless children
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他們一輩子受忘恩的孩子束縛
22:58
and trying to breed identity out of misery,
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還想要從不幸中孕育出身分認同
23:01
I realized that day that my research had built me a plank
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那天我明白了我的研究替我建立了踏板
23:06
and that I was ready to join them on their ship.
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我已準備好上船和那些父母同舟共濟
23:09
Thank you.
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謝謝
23:11
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Andrew Solomon - WriterAndrew Solomon writes about politics, culture and psychology.
Why you should listen
Andrew Solomon is a writer, lecturer and Professor of Clinical Psychology at Columbia University. He is president of PEN American Center. He writes regularly for The New Yorker and the New York Times.
Solomon's newest book, Far and Away: Reporting from the Brink of Change, Seven Continents, Twenty-Five Years was published in April, 2016. His previous book, Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity won the National Book Critics Circle award for nonfiction, the Wellcome Prize and 22 other national awards. It tells the stories of parents who not only learn to deal with their exceptional children but also find profound meaning in doing so. It was a New York Times bestseller in both hardcover and paperback editions. Solomon's previous book, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, won the 2001 National Book Award for Nonfiction, was a finalist for the 2002 Pulitzer Prize and was included in The Times of London's list of one hundred best books of the decade. It has been published in twenty-four languages. Solomon is also the author of the novel A Stone Boat and of The Irony Tower: Soviet Artists in a Time of Glasnost.
Solomon is an activist in LGBT rights, mental health, education and the arts. He is a member of the boards of directors of the National LGBTQ Force and Trans Youth Family Allies. He is a member of the Board of Visitors of Columbia University Medical Center, serves on the National Advisory Board of the Depression Center at the University of Michigan, is a director of Columbia Psychiatry and is a member of the Advisory Board of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. Solomon also serves on the boards of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, Yaddo and The Alex Fund, which supports the education of Romani children. He is also a fellow of Berkeley College at Yale University and a member of the New York Institute for the Humanities and the Council on Foreign Relations.
Solomon lives with his husband and son in New York and London and is a dual national. He also has a daughter with a college friend; mother and daughter live in Texas but visit often.
Andrew Solomon | Speaker | TED.com