TEDWomen 2010
Tony Porter: A call to men
Tony Porter: Um apelo aos Homens
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Na TEDWomen, Tony Porter faz um apelo a homens em todo o mundo: não "ajam como um homem". Tirando exemplos poderosos da sua própria vida, ele demonstra-nos como esta mentalidade, incutida em tantos homens e rapazes, pode levar homens ao desrespeito, mau trato e abuso não só para com as mulheres, mas também entre si. A sua solução: libertar-se da "caixa masculina"
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activist
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Tony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up in New York City,
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Nasci na cidade de Nova Iorque
00:18
between Harlem and the Bronx.
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entre o Harlem e o Bronx.
00:20
Growing up as a boy, we were taught
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Quando era miúdo, eramos ensinados
00:22
that men had to be tough, had to be strong,
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que homens tinham de ser duros, tinham de ser fortes,
00:24
had to be courageous, dominating --
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tinham de ser corajosos, dominadores-
00:27
no pain, no emotions,
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sem dor, sem emoções,
00:29
with the exception of anger --
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à excepção da raiva-
00:31
and definitely no fear;
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e definitivamente, sem medo-
00:33
that men are in charge,
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os homens estão no comando,
00:35
which means women are not;
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o que quer dizer que as mulheres não estão;
00:37
that men lead,
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os homens lideram,
00:39
and you should just follow and do what we say;
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e vocês têm de seguir aquilo que vos dissermos;
00:42
that men are superior; women are inferior;
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que os homens são superiores, as mulheres, inferiores;
00:45
that men are strong; women are weak;
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que os homens são fortes, as mulheres são fracas;
00:48
that women are of less value,
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que as mulheres valem menos-
00:51
property of men,
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propriedade de homens-
00:53
and objects,
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são objectos,
00:55
particularly sexual objects.
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em particular, objectos sexuais.
00:58
I've later come to know that to be
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E vim a reconhecer nisso, mais tarde
01:01
the collective socialization of men,
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uma mentalidade social colectiva nos homens
01:04
better known
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mais conhecida
01:06
as the "man box."
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por "caixa masculina".
01:08
See this man box has in it
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E esta caixa masculina contem
01:10
all the ingredients
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todos os componentes
01:12
of how we define what it means to be a man.
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que usamos para definir o que significa ser homem.
01:14
Now I also want to say, without a doubt,
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Quero também dizer, sem dúvida,
01:16
there are some wonderful, wonderful,
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que há coisas maravilhosas, maravilhosas,
01:18
absolutely wonderful things
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absolutamente maravilhosas
01:20
about being a man.
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em ser-se homem.
01:22
But at the same time,
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Mas ao mesmo tempo,
01:24
there's some stuff
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algumas coisas são
01:26
that's just straight up twisted,
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francamente retorcidas.
01:28
and we really need to begin
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E precisamos realmente de começar
01:30
to challenge, look at it
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a contestá-las, observá-las
01:32
and really get in the process
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e envolvermo-nos no processo
01:34
of deconstructing, redefining,
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de desconstruir, redefinir,
01:37
what we come to know as manhood.
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o que conhecemos hoje como masculinidade.
01:41
This is my two at home, Kendall and Jay.
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Estes são os meus filhos, Kendall e Jay.
01:43
They're 11 and 12.
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Têm 11 e 12 anos.
01:45
Kendall's 15 months older than Jay.
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O Kendal é 15 meses mais velho que a Jay.
01:47
There was a period of time when my wife -- her name is Tammie -- and I,
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Houve uma altura da minha vida em que a minha mulher, Tammie, e eu,
01:50
we just got real busy and whip, bam, boom:
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não andámos a perder tempo, e catrapumba:
01:52
Kendall and Jay.
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Kendall e a Jay.
01:54
(Laughter)
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(risos)
01:56
And when they were about five and six,
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E quando eles tinham cerca de 5 ou 6 anos,
01:58
four and five,
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4 ou 5,
02:00
Jay could come to me,
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a Jay vinha ter comigo,
02:02
come to me crying.
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a chorar.
02:04
It didn't matter what she was crying about,
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Não importava o porquê de ela estar a chorar,
02:06
she could get on my knee, she could snot my sleeve up,
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podia sentar-se ao meu colo, encher-me a manga de ranho,
02:08
just cry, cry it out.
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e chorar, chorar à vontade.
02:10
Daddy's got you. That's all that's important.
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O papá está aqui. É tudo o que importa.
02:13
Now Kendall on the other hand --
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Já o Kendall, por seu turno-
02:15
and like I said, he's only 15 months older than her --
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e como disse, é apenas 15 meses mais velho que a Jay-
02:18
he'd come to me crying,
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vinha ter comigo a chorar,
02:20
it's like as soon as I would hear him cry,
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e era como se, mal o ouvisse,
02:22
a clock would go off.
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um relógio disparasse.
02:24
I would give the boy probably about 30 seconds,
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E dava ao rapaz cerca de uns 30 segundos,
02:27
which means, by the time he got to me,
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o que significava que, quando ele chegava ao pé de mim,
02:30
I was already saying things like, "Why are you crying?
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eu já lhe perguntava coisas como, "porque estás a chorar?
02:32
Hold your head up. Look at me.
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Queixo para cima. Olha para mim.
02:35
Explain to me what's wrong.
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Explica-me o que se passa.
02:37
Tell me what's wrong. I can't understand you.
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Conta-me o que se passa, não te compreendo.
02:39
Why are you crying?"
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Porque estás a chorar?"
02:41
And out of my own frustration
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E, por causa da minha frustração
02:43
of my role and responsibility
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do meu papel e responsabilidade
02:45
of building him up as a man
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de o educar como um homem
02:47
to fit into these guidelines
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e se encaixar nas linhas mestras
02:49
and these structures that are defining this man box,
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nas estruturas que definem essa caixa masculina,
02:52
I would find myself saying things like,
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acabava por lhe dizer coisas como,
02:54
"Just go in your room.
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"Vai mas é para o teu quarto.
02:56
Just go on, go on in your room.
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Vai lá, vai para o teu quarto.
02:58
Sit down,
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Senta-te,
03:00
get yourself together
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compõe-te
03:02
and come back and talk to me
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e vem falar comigo apenas quando
03:04
when you can talk to me like a --" what?
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conseguires falar como um -" quê?
03:06
(Audience: Man.)
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Homem.
03:08
Like a man.
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"Como um homem."
03:10
And he's five years old.
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E ele tinha 5 anos.
03:12
And as I grow in life,
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E à medida que crescia na minha vida
03:14
I would say to myself,
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dizia comigo mesmo,
03:16
"My God, what's wrong with me?
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"Meu Deus, que se passa comigo?
03:18
What am I doing? Why would I do this?"
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Que é que estou a fazer? Porque estou a fazer isto?"
03:21
And I think back.
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E penso no passado.
03:23
I think back to my father.
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Penso como era com o meu pai.
03:26
There was a time in my life
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Houve um tempo na minha vida
03:28
where we had a very troubled experience in our family.
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em que algo de traumático se passou na minha família.
03:31
My brother, Henry, he died tragically
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O meu irmão, Henry, morreu de forma trágica
03:33
when we were teenagers.
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quando éramos adolescentes.
03:35
We lived in New York City, as I said.
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Vivíamos em Nova Iorque, como disse.
03:37
We lived in the Bronx at the time,
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No bairro do Bronx, na altura.
03:40
and the burial was in a place called Long Island,
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E o cemitério era num sítio chamado Long Island,
03:43
it was about two hours outside of the city.
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a cerca de duas horas da cidade.
03:46
And as we were preparing
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E à medida que nos preparávamos
03:48
to come back from the burial,
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para regressar do enterro,
03:50
the cars stopped at the bathroom
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os carros fizeram uma paragem na casa de banho
03:52
to let folks take care of themselves
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para as pessoas se aliviarem
03:54
before the long ride back to the city.
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antes da viagem de volta.
03:56
And the limousine empties out.
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A limusine esvazia-se.
03:58
My mother, my sister, my auntie, they all get out,
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A minha mãe, a minha irmã, a minha tia, saem todas,
04:00
but my father and I stayed in the limousine,
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mas o meu pai e eu ficamos na limusine.
04:03
and no sooner than the women got out,
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E mal as mulheres saem,
04:06
he burst out crying.
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ele irrompeu em lágrimas.
04:09
He didn't want cry in front of me,
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Não queria chorar à minha frente.
04:11
but he knew he wasn't going to make it back to the city,
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Mas sabia que não se ia aguentar até chegarmos à cidade,
04:14
and it was better me than to allow himself
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e achou-me preferível a ter de permitir
04:16
to express these feelings and emotions in front of the women.
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que as mulheres o vissem a expressar esses sentimentos e emoções.
04:19
And this is a man
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E este era um homem
04:21
who, 10 minutes ago,
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que, 10 minutos antes,
04:23
had just put his teenage son
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tinha colocado o seu filho adolescente
04:25
in the ground --
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debaixo da terra --
04:27
something I just can't even imagine.
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algo que nem consigo imaginar.
04:32
The thing that sticks with me the most
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Aquilo que mais me marcou de tudo isto
04:34
is that he was apologizing to me
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foi o facto de ele me pedir desculpas
04:37
for crying in front of me,
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por chorar à minha frente.
04:39
and at the same time, he was also giving me props,
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E ao mesmo tempo, estava a congratular-me,
04:42
lifting me up,
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a elogiar-me,
04:44
for not crying.
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por eu não chorar.
04:46
I come to also look at this
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E comecei a ver nisto
04:49
as this fear that we have as men,
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um medo que temos, enquanto homens,
04:51
this fear that just has us paralyzed,
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um medo que simplesmente nos paraliza
04:53
holding us hostage
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e deixa reféns
04:55
to this man box.
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dessa caixa masculina.
04:57
I can remember speaking
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Lembro-me de falar
04:59
to a 12-year-old boy, a football player,
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com um rapaz de 12 anos, jogador de futebol americano
05:01
and I asked him, I said,
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e perguntei-lhe
05:03
"How would you feel if,
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"como te sentirias se
05:05
in front of all the players,
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à frente de todos os jogadores,
05:07
your coach told you you were playing like a girl?"
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o teu treinador te dissesse que estás a jogar como uma menina?"
05:10
Now I expected him to say something like,
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Estava na verdade à espera de uma resposta como,
05:12
I'd be sad; I'd be mad; I'd be angry, or something like that.
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ficava triste, ficava furioso, irritado, algo do género.
05:14
No, the boy said to me --
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Mas não, o rapaz disse-me -
05:16
the boy said to me,
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este rapaz disse-me a mim
05:18
"It would destroy me."
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"Isso ia destruir-me."
05:21
And I said to myself,
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E disse para mim mesmo,
05:24
"God, if it would destroy him
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"Meu Deus, se isso o destruia,
05:26
to be called a girl,
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ser chamado de rapariga,
05:28
what are we then teaching him
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então o que lhe estamos a ensinar
05:31
about girls?"
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acerca das raparigas?"
05:34
(Applause)
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(aplausos)
05:38
It took me back to a time
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E isto levou-me a um tempo
05:40
when I was about 12 years old.
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em que eu tinha os meus 12 anos.
05:43
I grew up in tenement buildings in the inner city.
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cresci em bairros de apartamentos no centro da cidade.
05:46
At this time we're living in the Bronx,
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Nessa altura vivíamos no Bronx
05:48
and in the building next to where I lived there was a guy named Johnny.
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E no prédio ao lado da minha casa vivia um rapaz chamado Johnny.
05:51
He was about 16 years old,
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Tinha uns 16 anos de idade,
05:53
and we were all about 12 years old -- younger guys.
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e todos nós tínhamos uns 12 - rapazes mais novos.
05:55
And he was hanging out with all us younger guys.
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E ele dava-se com estes miúdos mais novos.
05:57
And this guy, he was up to a lot of no good.
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E este rapaz, andava metido em sarilhos.
05:59
He was the kind of kid who parents would have to wonder,
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Era o tipo de miúdo que faz os pais perguntar,
06:01
"What is this 16-year-old boy doing with these 12-year-old boys?"
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"o que faz este miúdo de 16 com todos estes de 12?"
06:04
And he did spend a lot of time up to no good.
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E ele de facto passava muito tempo a meter-se em sarilhos.
06:06
He was a troubled kid.
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Era um miúdo perturbado.
06:08
His mother had died from a heroin overdose.
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A sua mãe morrera com uma overdose de heroína.
06:10
He was being raised by his grandmother.
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Era criado pela avó.
06:12
His father wasn't on the set.
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O seu pai era ausente.
06:14
His grandmother had two jobs.
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A avó tinha dois empregos.
06:16
He was home alone a lot.
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Ele vivia muito tempo sozinho.
06:18
But I've got to tell you, we young guys,
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Mas deixem que vos diga, nós, os mais novos,
06:20
we looked up to this dude, man.
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admirávamos o gajo.
06:22
He was cool. He was fine.
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Era fixe. "Um bacano".
06:25
That's what the sisters said, "He was fine."
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Era assim que as "damas" o tratavam, "ele é um bacano".
06:28
He was having sex.
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Ele tinha relações sexuais.
06:30
We all looked up to him.
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Nós admirávamo-lo.
06:32
So one day, I'm out in front of the house doing something --
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E um dia, estava eu em frente à minha casa a fazer qualquer coisa,
06:34
just playing around, doing something -- I don't know what.
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a brincar, ou outra coisa qualquer - Não me recordo.
06:37
He looks out his window; he calls me upstairs; he said, "Hey Anthony."
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Ele olha pela janela, chama-me até as escadas, "Anthony", disse ele,
06:39
They called me Anthony growing up as a kid.
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(chamavam-me Anthony quando era miúdo),
06:41
"Hey Anthony, come on upstairs."
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"Anthony, anda cá acima".
06:43
Johnny call, you go.
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O Johnny chama, tu vais.
06:45
So I run right upstairs.
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Por isso, corro escada acima.
06:47
As he opens the door, he says to me, "Do you want some?"
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E quando ele abre a porta, pergunta-me "Então, queres?"
06:50
Now I immediately knew what he meant.
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E eu soube imediatamente o que ele queria dizer.
06:52
Because for me growing up at that time,
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Porque quando eu estava a crescer,
06:54
and our relationship with this man box,
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e no contexto dessa caixa masculina,
06:56
"Do you want some?" meant one of two things:
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"queres" significava apenas duas coisas,
06:58
sex or drugs --
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sexo, ou drogas -
07:00
and we weren't doing drugs.
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e nós não tomávamos drogas.
07:02
Now my box, my card,
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E a minha caixa de homem,
07:04
my man box card,
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da minha caixa de homem de cartão,
07:06
was immediately in jeopardy.
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estavam imediatamente em risco.
07:08
Two things: One, I never had sex.
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Duas coisas, em primeiro, nunca tinha tido sexo.
07:11
We don't talk about that as men.
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Não falamos disso enquanto homens.
07:13
You only tell your dearest, closest friend, sworn to secrecy for life,
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Contamos ao nosso melhor e mais chegado amigo, sob juramento para toda a vida
07:16
the first time you had sex.
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acerca da nossa primeira vez.
07:18
For everybody else, we go around like we've been having sex since we were two.
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Para todos os outros, é como se tivessemos sexo desde os 2 anos,
07:21
There ain't no first time.
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não há qualquer primeira vez!
07:23
(Laughter)
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(risos)
07:26
The other thing I couldn't tell him is that I didn't want any.
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A outra coisa que não lhe podia dizer, é que não queria ter sexo.
07:28
That's even worse. We're supposed to always be on the prowl.
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É ainda pior. É suposto andarmos sempre à caça.
07:31
Women are objects,
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As mulheres são objectos,
07:33
especially sexual objects.
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objectos sexuais, em particular.
07:35
Anyway, so I couldn't tell him any of that.
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Enfim, não lhe podia contar nada disto.
07:37
So, like my mother would say, make a long story short,
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E como dizia a minha mãe, resumindo e concluindo,
07:39
I just simply said to Johnny, "Yes."
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simplesmente disse ao Johnny, "sim".
07:41
He told me to go in his room.
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Mandou-me ir para o seu quarto.
07:43
I go in his room. On his bed is a girl from the neighborhood named Sheila.
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Eu fui. Na cama dele estava uma miúda do bairro chamada Sheila.
07:46
She's 16 years old.
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Tinha 16 anos.
07:48
She's nude.
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Estava nua.
07:50
She's what I know today to be mentally ill,
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Tinha, aquilo que eu hoje sei serem distúrbios mentais,
07:52
higher-functioning at times than others.
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uns dias mais funcional que outros.
07:55
We had a whole choice of inappropriate names for her.
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Tínhamos toda uma gama de palavras inapropriadas para ela.
07:59
Anyway, Johnny had just gotten through having sex with her.
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Mas, o Johnny tinha acabado de ter sexo com ela.
08:02
Well actually, he raped her, but he would say he had sex with her.
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Na verdade, ele violou-a, mas dizia que teve sexo com ela.
08:05
Because, while Sheila never said no,
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Porque, apesar da Sheila nunca dizer não,
08:08
she also never said yes.
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também nunca disse sim.
08:10
So he was offering me the opportunity to do the same.
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E estava a oferecer-me a oportunidade de fazer o mesmo.
08:12
So when I go in the room, I close the door.
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E eu entro no quarto, fecho a porta.
08:15
Folks, I'm petrified.
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Pessoal, estava petrificado.
08:17
I stand with my back to the door so Johnny can't bust in the room
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E estou ali de costas contra a porta para que o Johnny não entre no quarto
08:19
and see that I'm not doing anything,
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e veja que não estou a fazer nada.
08:21
and I stand there long enough that I could have actually done something.
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E fico ali tempo que chegue para se imaginar que fiz realmente qualquer coisa,
08:24
So now I'm no longer trying to figure out what I'm going to do;
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e já não penso no que hei-de fazer,
08:26
I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this room.
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mas sim em como sair daquele quarto.
08:29
So in my 12 years of wisdom,
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Portanto, na minha sabedoria de 12 anos,
08:31
I zip my pants down,
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desabotoo as calças,
08:33
I walk out into the room,
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e vou até à sala.
08:35
and lo and behold to me,
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E para meu enorme espanto,
08:37
while I was in the room with Sheila,
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enquanto estava no quarto com a Sheila,
08:39
Johnny was back at the window calling guys up.
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o Johnny estava de novo à janela a chamar mais rapazes.
08:42
So now there's a living room full of guys.
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E a sala de estar estava cheia deles.
08:44
It was like the waiting room in the doctor's office.
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Parecia a sala de espera de um consultório.
08:47
And they asked me how was it,
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E eles perguntavam-me como tinha sido.
08:49
and I say to them, "It was good,"
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E eu respondia "foi bom".
08:52
and I zip my pants up in front of them,
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E abotoo as calças à frente deles,
08:54
and I head for the door.
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e saio porta fora.
08:56
Now I say this all with remorse,
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Conto tudo isto com remorsos,
08:58
and I was feeling a tremendous amount of remorse at that time,
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e sentia já remorsos enormes naquela altura,
09:00
but I was conflicted, because, while I was feeling remorse, I was excited,
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mas estava dividido porque, ao mesmo tempo que sentia remorsos, estava excitado
09:03
because I didn't get caught.
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pelo facto de não ter sido apanhado,
09:05
But I knew I felt bad about what was happening.
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mas senti-me mal sobre o que se estava a passar.
09:07
This fear, getting outside the man box,
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Este medo de sair da minha caixa masculina
09:10
totally enveloped me.
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envolvia-me por completo.
09:12
It was way more important to me,
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E era bem mais importante para mim,
09:14
about me and my man box card
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eu e a minha caixa masculina de cartão
09:17
than about Sheila
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que propriamente a Sheila
09:19
and what was happening to her.
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e o que lhe estava a acontecer.
09:21
See collectively, we as men
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Porque, colectivamente, nós como homens
09:23
are taught to have less value in women,
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somos ensinados a não dar valor às mulheres,
09:25
to view them as property and the objects of men.
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vê-las como propriedade e objectos dos homens.
09:28
We see that as an equation that equals violence against women.
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É uma equação que resulta na violência contra as mulheres.
09:31
We as men, good men,
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Nós como homens, bons homens,
09:33
the large majority of men,
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a grande maioria de nós,
09:35
we operate on the foundation
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actua com base
09:37
of this whole collective socialization.
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nesta socialização colectiva.
09:39
We kind of see ourselves separate, but we're very much a part of it.
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Tendemos a ver-nos como separados, mas somos ainda parte disso.
09:42
You see, we have to come to understand
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É que, temos de começar a compreender
09:45
that less value, property and objectification is the foundation
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que essa desvalorização, sentido de posse e objectificação são as fundações
09:48
and the violence can't happen without it.
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sem as quais a violência não pode actuar.
09:50
So we're very much a part of the solution
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Portanto, somos em larga escala parte da solução
09:53
as well as the problem.
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e também do problema.
09:55
The center for disease control says
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O centro de controle de doenças diz
09:57
that men's violence against women is at epidemic proportions,
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que violência contra as mulheres está a níveis epidémcos,
10:00
is the number one health concern for women
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e é a causa principal de preocupação na saúde das mulheres
10:02
in this country and abroad.
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neste país e no estrangeiro.
10:04
So quickly, I'd like to just say,
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Portanto, rapidamente, gostava de dizer,
10:07
this is the love of my life, my daughter Jay.
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este é o amor da minha vida, a minha filha, Jay.
10:10
The world I envision for her --
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No mundo que imagino para ela,
10:12
how do I want men to be acting and behaving?
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como quero eu ver os homens a comportar-se e agir?
10:14
I need you on board. I need you with me.
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E preciso da vossa colaboração. Que estejam comigo nisto.
10:16
I need you working with me and me working with you
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Preciso que trabalhem comigo e eu convosco
10:19
on how we raise our sons
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na educação dos nossos filhos
10:21
and teach them to be men --
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e a ensiná-los a ser homens-
10:23
that it's okay to not be dominating,
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que não há mal em não ser dominante,
10:25
that it's okay to have feelings and emotions,
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que não há mal em ter sentimentos e emoções,
10:28
that it's okay to promote equality,
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que não há mal em promover a igualdade,
10:30
that it's okay to have women who are just friends and that's it,
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que não há mal ter mulheres que são apenas amigas, sem mais nada,
10:33
that it's okay to be whole,
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que não há mal em ser-se completo,
10:35
that my liberation as a man
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e que a minha emancipação enquanto homem
10:38
is tied to your liberation as a woman. (Applause)
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está ligada à vossa emancipação enquanto mulheres.
10:41
I remember asking a nine-year-old boy,
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Lembro-me de perguntar a um rapaz de 9 anos.
10:44
I asked a nine-year-old boy,
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Perguntei a um rapaz de 9 anos,
10:47
"What would life be like for you,
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"Como seria a vida para ti,
10:49
if you didn't have to adhere to this man box?"
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se não tivesses de aderir a esta caixa masculina?"
10:51
He said to me, "I would be free."
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Ele respondeu, "seria livre."
10:53
Thank you folks.
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Muito obrigado a todos.
10:55
(Applause)
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(aplausos)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tony Porter - Author, educator, activistTony Porter is an educator and activist who is internationally recognized for his effort to end violence against women.
Why you should listen
Tony Porter is an author, educator and activist working to advance social justice issues. As the co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, Tony is internationally recognized for his efforts to prevent violence against women while promoting a healthy, respectful manhood. Tony’s 2010 TED Talk has been named by GQ Magazine as one of the “Top 10 TED Talks Every Man Should See.”
Tony is an adviser to the National Football League, National Basketball Association, National Hockey League and Major League Baseball, providing policy consultation, working extensively with player engagement, and facilitating violence prevention and healthy manhood training.
He is an international lecturer for the U.S. State Department, having extensive global experience to include Brazil, India and Africa, and has been a guest presenter to the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women. Tony has worked with the United States Military Academy at West Point and the United States Naval Academy at Annapolis.
He is sought after for his in-depth understanding of the collective socialization of men, and has served as a script consultant for the Emmy Award-winning television series “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”
Tony is the author of Breaking Out of the Man Box and the visionary for NFL Dads: Dedicated to Daughters.
Tony Porter | Speaker | TED.com