TEDxBoulder
Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up
Ash Beckham: 所有人都隐藏些什么。让我们鼓起勇气敞开心扉
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2,792,022 views
在这个动人的演讲中，Ash Beckham用一种新的方法来理解别人，敞开心扉。首先，我们要明白，在任何人生命中的某一个点，大家都会经历艰难的事情。Beckham提出唯一的解决办法，就是打开柜门，走出来。
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I'm going to talk to you tonight
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今晚我会和大家讲述
00:14
about coming out of the closet,
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如何走出柜
00:16
and not in the traditional sense,
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但不是传统意义上的层面
00:17
not just the gay closet.
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不只是成为同性恋那样的出柜
00:19
I think we all have closets.
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我想大家都有个柜
00:21
Your closet may be telling someone
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你所谓的出柜
00:23
you love her for the first time,
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有的或许是你跟她第一次说我爱你
00:25
or telling someone that you're pregnant,
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或许告诉别人你怀孕了
00:27
or telling someone you have cancer,
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或许告诉别人你患有癌症
00:30
or any of the other hard conversations
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甚至是其他我们都经历过的
00:32
we have throughout our lives.
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难以启齿的谈话
00:34
All a closet is is a hard conversation,
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所谓的柜就是一次说不出口的谈话
00:38
and although our topics may vary tremendously,
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虽然我们的话题涉及广泛
00:41
the experience of being in
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在柜中
00:43
and coming out of the closet is universal.
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和出柜的经历都是相通的
00:46
It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
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这种感觉很可怕 尽管我们都不喜欢 但是还得这样做
00:52
Several years ago,
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几年以前
00:53
I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe,
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我在South Side Walnut咖啡店工作
00:57
a local diner in town,
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一个当地的餐厅
00:59
and during my time there I would go through phases
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那段时间我经历了
01:01
of militant lesbian intensity:
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激进女同性恋的紧张
01:05
not shaving my armpits,
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没有刮我的腋毛
01:07
quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.
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引用福音Ani DiFranco的歌词
01:10
And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts
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由于我宽松的工装短裤
01:13
and how recently I had shaved my head,
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还有我最近的发型
01:15
the question would often be sprung on me,
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经常会有人问我
01:17
usually by a little kid:
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通常是小孩儿问我
01:19
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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“嗯，你是男孩还是女孩？”
01:24
And there would be an awkward silence at the table.
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随之而来的是一阵尴尬的寂静
01:27
I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
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我紧咬牙关
01:29
hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.
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怀着报复的心紧握着咖啡罐
01:32
The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper
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爸爸尴尬地乱翻着报纸
01:35
and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.
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妈妈冷漠地盯着孩子
01:37
But I would say nothing,
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但是我说不出口
01:39
and I would seethe inside.
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内心却在沸腾
01:41
And it got to the point where every time I walked up
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重点是 每次我走到旁边
01:43
to a table that had a kid anywhere between
three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight.
three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight.
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有3到10岁小孩儿的桌子时 我都准备好要干一架了
01:47
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:49
And that is a terrible feeling.
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这种感觉非常不好
01:51
So I promised myself, the next
time, I would say something.
time, I would say something.
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所以我跟自己讲 下一次 我一定会说什么
01:55
I would have that hard conversation.
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我会把话说出口
01:57
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
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所以 过了几个星期 又出现这种状况了
02:00
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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“你是男孩还是女孩？”
02:02
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready,
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熟悉的沉寂 但是这次我准备好了
02:05
and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101
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这次我要把所有女性的话
02:09
on this table. (Laughter)
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说出来 （笑声）
02:12
I've got my Betty Friedan quotes.
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我准备好引用Betty Friedan的话
02:14
I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes.
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准备好引用Gloria Steinem的话
02:16
I've even got this little bit from
"Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do.
"Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do.
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我甚至从《阴道独白》中选了几句话
02:19
So I take a deep breath and I look down
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我深吸了口气 我低下头看
02:23
and staring back at me is a
four-year-old girl in a pink dress,
four-year-old girl in a pink dress,
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迎来的是一个穿着粉色裙子的4岁小女孩儿的目光
02:27
not a challenge to a feminist duel,
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这个小菜一碟
02:29
just a kid with a question:
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只是个小孩儿问问题
02:32
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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“你是男孩还是女孩？”
02:34
So I take another deep breath,
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我又深吸了口气
02:36
squat down to next to her, and say,
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在她身旁蹲下来说
02:37
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing.
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“我知道有点不好理解
02:39
My hair is short like a boy's,
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我的头发像男生的那样短
02:41
and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl,
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我还穿着男生的衣服 但是我是个女孩
02:43
and you know how sometimes
you like to wear a pink dress,
you like to wear a pink dress,
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有时候你喜欢穿粉色的裙子
02:45
and sometimes you like to
wear your comfy jammies?
wear your comfy jammies?
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有时候喜欢穿舒服的睡衣 对吧
02:48
Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
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那我就是那种喜欢穿舒服睡衣的那种女孩
02:52
And this kid looks me dead in the eye,
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这个小孩儿死死的盯着我
02:54
without missing a beat, and says,
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都不带眨的 说
02:55
"My favorite pajamas are purple with fish.
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”我最喜欢的睡衣是紫色的 上面还有鱼
02:57
Can I get a pancake, please?"
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能给我块煎饼吗？“
02:59
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:02
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl.
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就是这样 ”哦 好吧 你是个女孩
03:05
How about that pancake?"
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来块煎饼怎么样？“
03:08
It was the easiest hard conversation
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这是有史以来
03:10
I have ever had.
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最简单的一次艰难对话
03:12
And why? Because Pancake Girl and I,
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为什么呢 因为这个煎饼女孩和我
03:15
we were both real with each other.
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我们对彼此都很真诚
03:18
So like many of us,
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所以 跟很多人一样
03:20
I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah,
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我住在自己的几个柜里 是的
03:23
most often, my walls happened to be rainbow.
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而且我的四面墙常常会变成彩色
03:25
But inside, in the dark,
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但是墙的里面 黑暗中
03:27
you can't tell what color the walls are.
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你却不知道内墙是什么颜色
03:29
You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.
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你就是知道在柜里是什么感觉
03:33
So really, my closet is no different than yours
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所以 真的 我的柜和你的 你的
03:36
or yours or yours.
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所有人的柜都是一样的
03:39
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons
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当然 我会告诉你100个理由
03:41
why coming out of my closet was
harder than coming out of yours,
harder than coming out of yours,
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来解释为什么我出柜会比你出柜要难
03:43
but here's the thing: Hard is not relative.
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但是重点是 难并不是相对的
03:46
Hard is hard.
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各有各的难处
03:48
Who can tell me that explaining to
someone you've just declared bankruptcy
someone you've just declared bankruptcy
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谁能告诉我 是跟一个人讲你刚刚破产难
03:52
is harder than telling someone
you just cheated on them?
you just cheated on them?
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还是跟一个人讲你背叛他难呢
03:54
Who can tell me that his coming out story
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谁能告诉我 是一个人说自己出柜难
03:57
is harder than telling your five-year-old
you're getting a divorce?
you're getting a divorce?
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还是告诉你5岁的孩子你要离婚了难呢
03:59
There is no harder, there is just hard.
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没有谁更难一些 就只是很难而已
04:03
We need to stop ranking our hard
against everyone else's hard
against everyone else's hard
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我们不能把各自的难处排个1234
04:06
to make us feel better or worse about our closets
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以此来让我们对自己的柜更好过或更难过些
04:09
and just commiserate on the
fact that we all have hard.
fact that we all have hard.
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然后又互相怜悯大家都很难
04:13
At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,
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在生活中的某些时刻 我们都闷在柜里
04:16
and they may feel safe,
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这样我们感到很安全
04:18
or at least safer than what lies
on the other side of that door.
on the other side of that door.
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至少比在柜外面更安全些
04:21
But I am here to tell you,
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但是我要告诉大家
04:23
no matter what your walls are made of,
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不管你的柜是什么材质
04:25
a closet is no place for a person to live.
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那都不是一个人应该住的地方
04:29
Thanks. (Applause)
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谢谢 （掌声）
04:32
So imagine yourself 20 years ago.
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想想20年前的你
04:36
Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress,
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那时的我 扎着马尾 穿着没有肩带的裙子
04:41
and high-heeled shoes.
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蹬着高跟鞋
04:43
I was not the militant lesbian
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我不是那个紧张的女同性恋
04:44
ready to fight any four-year-old
that walked into the cafe.
that walked into the cafe.
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随时准备迎战走进咖啡厅的4岁孩童
04:48
I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner
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恐惧使我不得动弹 缩在我
04:52
of my pitch-black closet
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那个黑漆漆的柜里
04:54
clutching my gay grenade,
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绷紧身为同性恋的神经
04:57
and moving one muscle is the scariest thing
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我从未
05:00
I have ever done.
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放松过紧绷的那根弦
05:03
My family, my friends, complete strangers --
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我的家人 朋友 陌生人
05:05
I had spent my entire life
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我一直都
05:06
trying to not disappoint these people,
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努力不让这些人失望
05:08
and now I was turning the world upside down
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然而现在 我却故意
05:11
on purpose.
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把事情弄的一团糟
05:13
I was burning the pages of the script
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我把我们一直沿用的脚本
05:15
we had all followed for so long,
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都烧掉
05:17
but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
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但是如果你不丢掉手中的手榴弹 它会至你于死地
05:21
One of my most memorable grenade tosses
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让我印象最深刻的一次爆发
05:23
was at my sister's wedding.
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是在我姐姐的婚礼上
05:25
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:27
It was the first time that many in attendance
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很多在场的人知道我是同性恋
05:30
knew I was gay, so in doing
my maid of honor duties,
my maid of honor duties,
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这还是头一回 所以我作为伴娘
05:33
in my black dress and heels,
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穿着一袭黑裙和高跟鞋
05:35
I walked around to tables
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我游走在桌边
05:37
and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends,
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最后决定坐在我父母的朋友的那一桌上
05:39
folks that had known me for years.
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他们认识我很久了
05:42
And after a little small talk,
one of the women shouted out,
one of the women shouted out,
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说了一会儿话后 有个女人大叫着说
05:45
"I love Nathan Lane!"
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“我超爱Nathan Lane！”
05:48
And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
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就这样一场关于同性恋的话题拉开帷幕
05:51
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
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”Ash 你去过Castro吗？“
05:53
"Well, yeah, actually, we have
friends in San Francisco."
friends in San Francisco."
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”恩 内什么 实际上 我们在旧金山有朋友“
05:55
"Well, we've never been there
but we've heard it's fabulous."
but we've heard it's fabulous."
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”内什么 我们没去过那儿 但是听说那儿挺棒的“
05:58
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?
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”Ash 你知道我的理发师Antonio吗？
06:00
He's really good and he has
never talked about a girlfriend."
never talked about a girlfriend."
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他人很好 但是从没听他谈过女性朋友”
06:03
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
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"Ash 你最喜欢哪个电视节目
06:05
Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace.
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我们最喜欢的？ 最喜欢的电视节目非Will & Grace莫属
06:07
And you know who we love? Jack.
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你知道我们最爱谁吗 最爱Jack了
06:08
Jack is our favorite."
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我们最喜欢Jack了“
06:10
And then one woman, stumped
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然后另一个女人 张口结舌
06:13
but wanting so desperately to show her support,
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但是极力变现出她的支持
06:15
to let me know she was on my side,
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让我明白她是站在我这一边的
06:18
she finally blurted out,
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她最终脱口而出
06:19
"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."
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”有时候我丈夫穿粉色的T恤“
06:23
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:25
And I had a choice in that moment,
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在那一刻 和所有爆发者一样
06:27
as all grenade throwers do.
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我作出了选择
06:29
I could go back to my girlfriend
and my gay-loving table
and my gay-loving table
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我可以回到我女性朋友和支持同性恋的那一桌去
06:33
and mock their responses,
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对他们这些人的反应嘲笑一番
06:35
chastise their unworldliness and their inability
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说他们什么都不懂
06:37
to jump through the politically correct
gay hoops I had brought with me,
gay hoops I had brought with me,
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他们不能理解我身上所带的同性恋的标签
06:40
or I could empathize with them
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或者我可以选择感同身受
06:43
and realize that that was maybe one of
the hardest things they had ever done,
the hardest things they had ever done,
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理解那可能是他们从未做过的最难的事情
06:47
that starting and having that conversation
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开始并进行那样的对话
06:50
was them coming out of their closets.
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是他们出柜的表现
06:52
Sure, it would have been easy
to point out where they felt short.
to point out where they felt short.
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当然 指出他们不对的地方很容易
06:56
It's a lot harder to meet them where they are
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但是和他们在同一层面上理解
06:58
and acknowledge the fact that they were trying.
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并知道他们在努力却很难
07:00
And what else can you ask someone to do but try?
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除了让人家努力尝试 你还能要求人家什么呢
07:05
If you're going to be real with someone,
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如果你想对某人坦诚
07:07
you gotta be ready for real in return.
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那你就要准备好别人同样对你完全坦白
07:11
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit.
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所以进行难的对话仍不是我的强项
07:14
Ask anybody I have ever dated.
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去问问我从未约过会的人就知道了
07:16
But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call
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但是我做好的更好了 因为我遵循我称之为
07:19
the three Pancake Girl principles.
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煎饼女孩三原则
07:21
Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses,
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请各位带上同性恋有色眼镜来看待这个
07:25
but know what it takes to come out of any closet
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但是要明白出任何的柜所需的努力
07:28
is essentially the same.
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都是一样的
07:30
Number one: Be authentic.
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原则一 要真实
07:33
Take the armor off. Be yourself.
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卸下你的防御 做真实的自己
07:34
That kid in the cafe had no armor,
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那个在咖啡厅的女孩就没有防御
07:36
but I was ready for battle.
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然而我却是准备开战
07:38
If you want someone to be real with you,
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如果你想让别人对你坦诚
07:41
they need to know that you bleed too.
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你得让他们知道你也有所付出
07:44
Number two: Be direct. Just
say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
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原则二 要直接 有什么说什么 不要绷着
07:47
If you know you are gay, just say it.
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你知道你是同性恋 那就说出来
07:50
If you tell your parents you might be gay,
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如果你告诉你的父母 你可能是同性恋
07:51
they will hold out hope that this will change.
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他们会心有一丝希望 你会改变的
07:53
Do not give them that sense of false hope.
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不要让他们有这样的错觉
07:56
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:58
And number three, and most important --
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原则三 最重要的一点
08:03
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:05
Be unapologetic.
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不要有负罪感
08:09
You are speaking your truth.
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你是在坦言有关自己的事情
08:11
Never apologize for that.
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不要对此感到抱歉
08:15
And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way,
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可能会有人受伤
08:17
so sure, apologize for what you've done,
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这是一定的 对你所做的事情道歉
08:20
but never apologize for who you are.
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但是不要为你的本质而道歉
08:23
And yeah, some folks may be disappointed,
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是的 有些人会很失望
08:26
but that is on them, not on you.
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但是他们对自己失望 而不是对你
08:29
Those are their expectations
of who you are, not yours.
of who you are, not yours.
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那是他们所期望的你的样子 而不是你自己的期望
08:31
That is their story, not yours.
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那是他们的故事 而不是属于你的故事
08:36
The only story that matters
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唯一重要的故事
08:37
is the one that you want to write.
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是你想要书写的那一个
08:40
So the next time you find yourself
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那么下回你发现自己
08:42
in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade,
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窝在柜里 手里紧攥着手榴弹时
08:44
know we have all been there before.
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要知道我们都经历过这个阶段
08:48
And you may feel so very alone, but you are not.
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你可能会感到孤独 但实际上不是的
08:51
And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
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虽然很难 但是你需要走出柜
08:54
no matter what your walls are made of,
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不管你的墙是什么
08:57
because I guarantee you there are others
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我向你保证 还有些人
08:59
peering through the keyholes of their closets
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从他们柜的锁眼里
09:01
looking for the next brave soul to
bust a door open, so be that person
bust a door open, so be that person
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寻找下一个勇敢的人推开们 所以做那个勇敢的人吧
09:05
and show the world that we
are bigger than our closets
are bigger than our closets
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让人们知道柜已容不下我们
09:08
and that a closet is no place for a person
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一个柜不是一个人
09:12
to truly live.
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能活出真实自己的地方
09:13
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
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谢谢 Boulder 祝各位晚上愉快 （掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocateAsh Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.
Why you should listen
Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com