TEDxBoulder
Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up
艾許．貝克漢: 人都有秘密，讓我們找到敞開心胸的勇氣吧
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在這篇感人的演講中，艾許．貝克漢提出了一個同情與心胸開放的全新方式——首先要理解每個人在生命中皆曾經歷過困難。艾許說，度過難關唯一的方法，就是要開啟櫃門，勇敢的踏出櫃子。
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I'm going to talk to you tonight
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今晚我要分享
00:14
about coming out of the closet,
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關於出櫃的故事。
00:16
and not in the traditional sense,
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並非只是一般人所認為的
00:17
not just the gay closet.
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同性戀出櫃。
00:19
I think we all have closets.
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我認為所有人都有櫃子。
00:21
Your closet may be telling someone
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你的櫃子也許是對某人
00:23
you love her for the first time,
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初次告白說你愛她，
00:25
or telling someone that you're pregnant,
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或者告訴某人妳懷孕了，
00:27
or telling someone you have cancer,
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亦或告訴某人你罹患癌症，
00:30
or any of the other hard conversations
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又或者我們一生中
任何其難以啟齒的對話，
任何其難以啟齒的對話，
00:32
we have throughout our lives.
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00:34
All a closet is is a hard conversation,
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櫃子所代表的是困難的對話，
00:38
and although our topics may vary tremendously,
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雖然每個人的難題可能完全不同，
00:41
the experience of being in
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但被困在櫃子裡
00:43
and coming out of the closet is universal.
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以及走出櫃子的經驗是舉世皆然的。
00:46
It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
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這很可怕，我們都痛恨它，但又不得不做。
00:52
Several years ago,
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幾年前
00:53
I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe,
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我在南岸胡桃咖啡店工作，
00:57
a local diner in town,
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那是當地的小餐廳，
00:59
and during my time there I would go through phases
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我在那工作的那段時間
01:01
of militant lesbian intensity:
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經歷了激進女同性戀階段：
01:05
not shaving my armpits,
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我不刮腋毛，
01:07
quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.
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並把安妮．荻芙蘭蔻的歌當聖旨。
01:10
And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts
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如果我穿著垮垮短褲，
01:13
and how recently I had shaved my head,
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剛好又剪了超短髮，
01:15
the question would often be sprung on me,
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就會常有人拋出這問題，
01:17
usually by a little kid:
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通常是小孩子：
01:19
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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「嗯，你是男生還是女生？」
01:24
And there would be an awkward silence at the table.
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接著是桌上的一陣尷尬沉默。
01:27
I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
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我便會咬緊嘴唇，
01:29
hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.
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抓緊咖啡壺，開始不爽。
01:32
The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper
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孩子的爸會尷尬地翻閱報紙，
01:35
and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.
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媽媽則會對那孩子使眼色。
01:37
But I would say nothing,
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但我悶不作聲，
01:39
and I would seethe inside.
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內心真是快爆炸了。
01:41
And it got to the point where every time I walked up
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搞到最後，每次走到桌前
01:43
to a table that had a kid anywhere between
three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight.
three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight.
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看到有 3-10 歲的小孩，我就進入戰鬥模式。
01:47
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:49
And that is a terrible feeling.
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那感覺很糟。
01:51
So I promised myself, the next
time, I would say something.
time, I would say something.
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所以我告訴自己，下次要替自己發聲。
01:55
I would have that hard conversation.
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我會完成那困難的對話。
01:57
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
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不到幾星期，一樣的事又發生了。
02:00
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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「你是男生還是女生？」
02:02
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready,
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一樣的沉默，但這次我準備好了，
02:05
and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101
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準備好好教育這桌客人女權主義是什麼。
02:09
on this table. (Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:12
I've got my Betty Friedan quotes.
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我準備了女權主義者貝蒂．傅瑞丹的名言、
02:14
I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes.
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也想好葛羅莉亞．斯坦能的名言，
02:16
I've even got this little bit from
"Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do.
"Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do.
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我甚至還準備了《陰道獨白》裡的台詞。
02:19
So I take a deep breath and I look down
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然後我深呼吸了一口氣，低下頭，
02:23
and staring back at me is a
four-year-old girl in a pink dress,
four-year-old girl in a pink dress,
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眼睛直盯著我的是
一位穿著粉色洋裝的四歲女孩，
一位穿著粉色洋裝的四歲女孩，
02:27
not a challenge to a feminist duel,
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不是女權主義一對一決鬥的對手，
02:29
just a kid with a question:
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只是個問問題的孩子：
02:32
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
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「你是男生還女生？」
02:34
So I take another deep breath,
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我又深呼吸一口氣，
02:36
squat down to next to her, and say,
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蹲在她身旁說：
02:37
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing.
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「嘿，我知道這有點讓人搞不清楚。
02:39
My hair is short like a boy's,
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我的頭髮跟男生一樣短，
02:41
and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl,
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我穿男生的衣服，但我是女生，
02:43
and you know how sometimes
you like to wear a pink dress,
you like to wear a pink dress,
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就像有時候你喜歡穿粉色洋裝，
02:45
and sometimes you like to
wear your comfy jammies?
wear your comfy jammies?
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有時候喜歡穿寬鬆舒服的睡衣一樣。
02:48
Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
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我只是那種喜歡穿寬鬆睡衣的女生。」
02:52
And this kid looks me dead in the eye,
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然後這小孩沒什麼反應地看著我，
02:54
without missing a beat, and says,
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馬上說出：
02:55
"My favorite pajamas are purple with fish.
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「我喜歡的睡衣是紫色的，有魚的圖案，
02:57
Can I get a pancake, please?"
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我可以點個鬆餅嗎？」
02:59
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:02
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl.
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就這樣，好像說：「好，妳是女生。
03:05
How about that pancake?"
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我可以點鬆餅了嗎？」
03:08
It was the easiest hard conversation
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這是我經歷過最簡單的困難對話。
03:10
I have ever had.
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03:12
And why? Because Pancake Girl and I,
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為什麼呢？因為鬆餅女孩跟我
03:15
we were both real with each other.
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都很真誠的對待彼此。
03:18
So like many of us,
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跟許多人一樣，
03:20
I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah,
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我一生中也被困在些櫃子中，
03:23
most often, my walls happened to be rainbow.
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大部份時候，我的牆正好是彩虹色的。
03:25
But inside, in the dark,
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但裡面一片漆黑，
03:27
you can't tell what color the walls are.
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根本無法得知牆的顏色。
03:29
You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.
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你只知道困在櫃中的感受。
03:33
So really, my closet is no different than yours
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真的，我的櫃子跟你們的沒兩樣。
03:36
or yours or yours.
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跟你的一樣、還有你的。
03:39
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons
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當然，我可以提出一百個理由
03:41
why coming out of my closet was
harder than coming out of yours,
harder than coming out of yours,
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說明為什麼我出櫃會比你出櫃困難，
03:43
but here's the thing: Hard is not relative.
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但要知道，困難並非相對的。
03:46
Hard is hard.
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困難就是困難。
03:48
Who can tell me that explaining to
someone you've just declared bankruptcy
someone you've just declared bankruptcy
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誰可以告訴我，跟別人坦承你剛破產
03:52
is harder than telling someone
you just cheated on them?
you just cheated on them?
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比告訴別人你出軌還要困難？
03:54
Who can tell me that his coming out story
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誰可以跟我說，他的出櫃故事
03:57
is harder than telling your five-year-old
you're getting a divorce?
you're getting a divorce?
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比告訴你五歲小孩爸媽要離婚更難？
03:59
There is no harder, there is just hard.
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根本沒有什麼比較難，難就是難。
04:03
We need to stop ranking our hard
against everyone else's hard
against everyone else's hard
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我們不該將困難跟別人的困難比
04:06
to make us feel better or worse about our closets
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來讓自己好過或難過，
04:09
and just commiserate on the
fact that we all have hard.
fact that we all have hard.
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而是要用同情心，知道每個人都面臨著難事。
04:13
At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,
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我們生命中，一定有些時候是住在櫃子裡的，
04:16
and they may feel safe,
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我們在櫃中覺得安全，
04:18
or at least safer than what lies
on the other side of that door.
on the other side of that door.
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至少比走出櫃子感覺更安全。
04:21
But I am here to tell you,
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但我要告訴各位，
04:23
no matter what your walls are made of,
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不管你牆裝飾得多美，
04:25
a closet is no place for a person to live.
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櫃子不是人住的地方。
04:29
Thanks. (Applause)
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謝謝。（掌聲）
04:32
So imagine yourself 20 years ago.
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想像一下自己二十年前的樣子。
04:36
Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress,
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我二十年前留著馬尾、穿著平口洋裝，
04:41
and high-heeled shoes.
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腳踩高跟鞋。
04:43
I was not the militant lesbian
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我並不是激進女同志，
04:44
ready to fight any four-year-old
that walked into the cafe.
that walked into the cafe.
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不是個要跟咖啡廳裡的
四歲小孩打仗的人。
四歲小孩打仗的人。
04:48
I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner
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我被恐懼冰凍，蜷曲在
04:52
of my pitch-black closet
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漆黑櫃子的角落，
04:54
clutching my gay grenade,
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手上緊抓著同性戀手榴彈，
04:57
and moving one muscle is the scariest thing
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將手中的手榴彈放開
是我做過最可怕的事情。
05:00
I have ever done.
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05:03
My family, my friends, complete strangers --
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我的家人、朋友、甚至陌生人，
05:05
I had spent my entire life
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我終其一生
05:06
trying to not disappoint these people,
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試圖不讓他們失望，
05:08
and now I was turning the world upside down
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而我現在我顛覆了世界，
05:11
on purpose.
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我有意這麼做的。
05:13
I was burning the pages of the script
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我將我們長久以來的認知燒得一乾二淨，
05:15
we had all followed for so long,
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05:17
but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
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但如果你不將手榴彈丟出，它會殺了你。
05:21
One of my most memorable grenade tosses
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我印象最深刻的丟手榴彈時刻
05:23
was at my sister's wedding.
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是在我姐姐的婚禮上。
05:25
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:27
It was the first time that many in attendance
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當時是第一次有很多賓客
05:30
knew I was gay, so in doing
my maid of honor duties,
my maid of honor duties,
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知道我是同性戀，
所以我在執行伴娘任務時，
所以我在執行伴娘任務時，
05:33
in my black dress and heels,
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穿著黑色洋裝和高跟鞋
05:35
I walked around to tables
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到各桌四處交際，
05:37
and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends,
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最後我來到我父母朋友的那桌，
05:39
folks that had known me for years.
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那些人已經認識我好多年了。
05:42
And after a little small talk,
one of the women shouted out,
one of the women shouted out,
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小聊完後，一位女士突然大喊：
05:45
"I love Nathan Lane!"
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「我愛內森．連恩（同性戀演員）！」
05:48
And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
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然後他們開始比賽
誰對同性戀話題比較熟。
誰對同性戀話題比較熟。
05:51
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
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「艾許，你有去過卡斯楚（著名同性戀區）嗎？」
05:53
"Well, yeah, actually, we have
friends in San Francisco."
friends in San Francisco."
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「其實我們在舊金山有朋友。」
05:55
"Well, we've never been there
but we've heard it's fabulous."
but we've heard it's fabulous."
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「我們還沒去過但聽說那裡超棒！」
05:58
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?
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「艾許，我的髮型師安東尼歐
06:00
He's really good and he has
never talked about a girlfriend."
never talked about a girlfriend."
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非常厲害，但從沒提過女朋友。」
06:03
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
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「艾許，妳最喜歡的影集是哪部？
06:05
Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace.
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我們最喜歡《威爾和葛雷絲》
06:07
And you know who we love? Jack.
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而且劇中演員我們最愛傑克。
06:08
Jack is our favorite."
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傑克是我們的最愛。」
06:10
And then one woman, stumped
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然後有個女人愣住了，
06:13
but wanting so desperately to show her support,
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但又急著想表示對同性戀的支持，
06:15
to let me know she was on my side,
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讓我知道她是站在我這邊的。
06:18
she finally blurted out,
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後來終於脫口說出：
06:19
"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."
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「我老公有時候會穿粉紅色襯衫！」
06:23
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:25
And I had a choice in that moment,
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那瞬間，我有個選擇，
06:27
as all grenade throwers do.
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就像每個丟手榴彈的人一樣，
06:29
I could go back to my girlfriend
and my gay-loving table
and my gay-loving table
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我可以回到我女友那桌、
回到同性戀擁護桌，
回到同性戀擁護桌，
06:33
and mock their responses,
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並嘲笑他們的反應，
06:35
chastise their unworldliness and their inability
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鄙視他們的不諳世故以及無法
06:37
to jump through the politically correct
gay hoops I had brought with me,
gay hoops I had brought with me,
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以正確的方式討論同性戀議題。
06:40
or I could empathize with them
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或者，我可以用同理心，
06:43
and realize that that was maybe one of
the hardest things they had ever done,
the hardest things they had ever done,
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試著了解這可能是
他們做過最困難的事，
他們做過最困難的事，
06:47
that starting and having that conversation
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開啟、討論這個話題
06:50
was them coming out of their closets.
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是他們走出了櫃子。
06:52
Sure, it would have been easy
to point out where they felt short.
to point out where they felt short.
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當然，指責他們哪裡沒做好很容易，
06:56
It's a lot harder to meet them where they are
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難的是接受他們的態度
06:58
and acknowledge the fact that they were trying.
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並理解他們也在嘗試接納。
07:00
And what else can you ask someone to do but try?
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有人願意嘗試了，你還能要求什麼呢？
07:05
If you're going to be real with someone,
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如果你要對別人坦誠，
07:07
you gotta be ready for real in return.
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那你也要準備好真誠以對。
07:11
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit.
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我不擅長困難的對話，
07:14
Ask anybody I have ever dated.
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問以前跟我交往過的人就知道。
07:16
But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call
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但我越來越厲害，我遵循
07:19
the three Pancake Girl principles.
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鬆餅女孩三原則。
07:21
Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses,
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請以同性戀的角度來看這些原則，
07:25
but know what it takes to come out of any closet
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但請明白，不管要從哪個櫃子走出，
07:28
is essentially the same.
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其實都是一樣的。
07:30
Number one: Be authentic.
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第一點：做真實的自己。
07:33
Take the armor off. Be yourself.
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把盔甲卸下，做自己。
07:34
That kid in the cafe had no armor,
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咖啡店的小女孩並沒有盔甲，
07:36
but I was ready for battle.
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但我本來準備好跟她拚命了。
07:38
If you want someone to be real with you,
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如果你要別人真誠待你，
07:41
they need to know that you bleed too.
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那他們必須知道你也是有血有淚的。
07:44
Number two: Be direct. Just
say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
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第二點：直接了當。
直接說出來，長痛不如短痛。
直接說出來，長痛不如短痛。
07:47
If you know you are gay, just say it.
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如果你知道自己是同性戀，就說出來。
07:50
If you tell your parents you might be gay,
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如果你告訴父母，你可能是同性戀，
07:51
they will hold out hope that this will change.
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他們會心存希望，認為這有天會改變。
07:53
Do not give them that sense of false hope.
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不要給他們無謂的希望。
07:56
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
07:58
And number three, and most important --
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第三點，也是最重要的——
（笑聲）
08:03
(Laughter)
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08:05
Be unapologetic.
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別感到愧疚。
08:09
You are speaking your truth.
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你坦白的說了實話，
08:11
Never apologize for that.
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絕對不要為此道歉。
08:15
And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way,
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有些人可能會因你的實話而受傷，
08:17
so sure, apologize for what you've done,
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當然，可以為此道歉，
08:20
but never apologize for who you are.
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但絕對不要為了做自己而道歉。
08:23
And yeah, some folks may be disappointed,
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有些人可能因此失望，
08:26
but that is on them, not on you.
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但那是他們的問題，不是你的。
08:29
Those are their expectations
of who you are, not yours.
of who you are, not yours.
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那是他們對你的期望，而不是你自己的。
08:31
That is their story, not yours.
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那是他們的故事，不是你的人生。
08:36
The only story that matters
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唯一重要的故事，
08:37
is the one that you want to write.
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就是你想寫下的故事。
08:40
So the next time you find yourself
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所以下次你發現自己
08:42
in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade,
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握著手榴彈蜷曲在漆黑櫃子裡時，
08:44
know we have all been there before.
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請記得我們都曾經歷過。
08:48
And you may feel so very alone, but you are not.
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你或許覺得孤單，但並非如此。
08:51
And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
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我們知道這很困難，但需要你勇敢走出來，
08:54
no matter what your walls are made of,
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不管將你困在裡面的原因是什麼，
08:57
because I guarantee you there are others
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我向你保證，
有很多人也從櫃子的鑰匙孔中探出，
08:59
peering through the keyholes of their closets
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09:01
looking for the next brave soul to
bust a door open, so be that person
bust a door open, so be that person
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尋找下一個勇敢的人衝出門外，
成為那個人吧！
成為那個人吧！
09:05
and show the world that we
are bigger than our closets
are bigger than our closets
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讓世界知道櫃子容不下我們，
09:08
and that a closet is no place for a person
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而且櫃子絕對不是人住的地方。
09:12
to truly live.
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09:13
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
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謝謝博爾德市的各位，
祝你們有個美好夜晚。（掌聲）
祝你們有個美好夜晚。（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocateAsh Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.
Why you should listen
Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com