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Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
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By loading kids with high expectations and micromanaging their lives at every turn, parents aren't actually helping. At least, that's how Julie Lythcott-Haims sees it. With passion and wry humor, the former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford makes the case for parents to stop defining their children's success via grades and test scores. Instead, she says, they should focus on providing the oldest idea of all: unconditional love.
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert.
to be a parenting expert.
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In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se.
in parenting, per Se.
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It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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that is kind of messing up kids,
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impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves.
to develop into theirselves.
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There's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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that's getting in the way.
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I guess what I'm saying is,
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we spend a lot of time
being very concerned
being very concerned
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about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids
in the lives of their kids
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and their education or their upbringing,
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and rightly so.
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But at the other end of the spectrum,
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there's a lot of harm
going on there as well,
going on there as well,
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where parents feel
a kid can't be successful
a kid can't be successful
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unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn
and preventing at every turn
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and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment,
and micromanaging every moment,
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01:03
and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers.
some small subset of colleges and careers.
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01:10
When we raise kids this way,
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01:13
and I'll say we,
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because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers,
in raising my two teenagers,
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I've had these tendencies myself,
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our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood.
a kind of checklisted childhood.
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And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.
childhood looks like.
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01:27
We keep them safe and sound
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and fed and watered,
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and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools,
they go to the right schools,
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that they're in the right classes
at the right schools,
at the right schools,
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01:38
and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools.
in the right classes in the right schools.
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01:42
But not just the grades, the scores,
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and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards
but the accolades and the awards
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01:47
and the sports,
the activities, the leadership.
the activities, the leadership.
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We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
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start a club, because colleges
want to see that.
want to see that.
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And check the box for community service.
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01:55
I mean, show the colleges
you care about others.
you care about others.
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01:58
(Laughter)
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02:00
And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection.
hoped-for degree of perfection.
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02:05
We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection
to perform at a level of perfection
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02:07
we were never asked
to perform at ourselves,
to perform at ourselves,
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02:11
and so because so much is required,
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we think,
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well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher
have to argue with every teacher
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and principal and coach and referee
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and act like our kid's concierge
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and personal handler
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and secretary.
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And then with our kids, our precious kids,
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we spend so much time nudging,
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cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be,
nagging as the case may be,
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to be sure they're not screwing up,
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not closing doors,
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not ruining their future,
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some hoped-for admission
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to a tiny handful of colleges
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that deny almost every applicant.
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And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
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03:00
First of all, there's
no time for free play.
no time for free play.
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03:02
There's no room in the afternoons,
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because everything
has to be enriching, we think.
has to be enriching, we think.
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It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity
every quiz, every activity
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is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them,
for this future we have in mind for them,
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and we absolve them
of helping out around the house,
of helping out around the house,
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and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep
of getting enough sleep
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as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.
the items on their checklist.
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And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy,
we say we just want them to be happy,
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but when they come home from school,
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what we ask about all too often first
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is their homework and their grades.
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And they see in our faces
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that our approval, that our love,
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that their very worth,
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comes from A's.
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And then we walk alongside them
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and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show --
at the Westminster Dog Show --
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(Laughter)
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coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther,
and soar a little farther,
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day after day after day.
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And when they get to high school,
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they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying
be interested in studying
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or doing as an activity?"
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They go to counselors and they say,
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"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?"
to get into the right college?"
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04:15
And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school,
start to roll in in high school,
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and they're getting some B's,
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or God forbid some C's,
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they frantically text their friends
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and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?"
into the right college with these grades?"
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And our kids,
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regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school,
at the end of high school,
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they're breathless.
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They're brittle.
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They're a little burned out.
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They're a little old before their time,
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wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
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this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough."
in childhood is enough."
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And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression
under high rates of anxiety and depression
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and some of them are wondering,
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will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it?
to have been worth it?
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Well, we parents,
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we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it.
it's all worth it.
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We seem to behave --
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it's like we literally think
they will have no future
they will have no future
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if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers
tiny set of colleges or careers
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we have in mind for them.
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Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
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they won't have a future we can brag about
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to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars.
on the backs of our cars.
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05:29
Yeah.
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(Applause)
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But if you look at what we've done,
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if you have the courage
to really look at it,
to really look at it,
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you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes
think their worth comes
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from grades and scores,
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but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds
their precious developing minds
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all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
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we send our children the message:
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"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me."
achieve any of this without me."
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06:03
And so with our overhelp,
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our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding,
and overdirection and hand-holding,
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we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
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which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche,
of the human psyche,
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far more important
than that self-esteem they get
than that self-esteem they get
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every time we applaud.
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Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
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not --
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There you go.
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(Applause)
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Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf,
actions on one's behalf,
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but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes.
lead to outcomes.
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So simply put,
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if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must,
self-efficacy, and they must,
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then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
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doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
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dreaming and experiencing of life
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for themselves.
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Now, am I saying
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every kid is hard-working and motivated
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and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives,
or interest in their lives,
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and we should just back off and let go?
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Hell no.
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(Laughter)
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That is not what I'm saying.
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What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards
grades and scores and accolades and awards
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as the purpose of childhood,
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all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges
admission to a tiny number of colleges
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or entrance to a small number of careers,
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that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids.
of success for our kids.
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And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins
achieve some short-term wins
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by overhelping --
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like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework,
if we help them do their homework,
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they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help --
childhood résumé when we help --
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what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost
comes at a long-term cost
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to their sense of self.
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What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned
we should be less concerned
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with the specific set of colleges
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they might be able
to apply to or might get into
to apply to or might get into
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and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
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the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go.
wherever they go.
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What I'm saying is,
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our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores
less obsessed with grades and scores
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and a whole lot more interested
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in childhood providing
a foundation for their success
a foundation for their success
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built on things like love
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and chores.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did.
Did I just say chores? I really did.
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But really, here's why.
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The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted
of humans ever conducted
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is called the Harvard Grant Study.
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It found that professional
success in life,
success in life,
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which is what we want for our kids,
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that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
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and the earlier you started, the better,
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that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset,
and-pitch-in mindset,
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a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work,
there's some unpleasant work,
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someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me,
it might as well be me,
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a mindset that says,
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I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole,
to the betterment of the whole,
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that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.
in the workplace.
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Now, we all know this. You know this.
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(Applause)
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We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood,
in the checklisted childhood,
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we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house,
the work of chores around the house,
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and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace
as young adults in the workplace
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still waiting for a checklist,
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but it doesn't exist,
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and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct
lacking the impulse, the instinct
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to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
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and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
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How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need?
to what my boss might need?
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A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study
from the Harvard Grant Study
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said that happiness in life
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comes from love,
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not love of work,
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love of humans:
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our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family.
our friends, our family.
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So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love,
our kids how to love,
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and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves,
if they don't first love themselves,
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and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
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(Applause)
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Right.
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And so,
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instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores
with grades and scores
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when our precious offspring
come home from school,
come home from school,
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or we come home from work,
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we need to close our technology,
put away our phones,
put away our phones,
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and look them in the eye
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and let them see
the joy that fills our faces
the joy that fills our faces
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when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours.
for the first time in a few hours.
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And then we have to say,
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"How was your day?
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What did you like about today?"
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And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
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and I want to hear about the math test,
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not lunch,
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you have to still
take an interest in lunch.
take an interest in lunch.
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You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?"
about lunch today?"
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They need to know
they matter to us as humans,
they matter to us as humans,
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not because of their GPA.
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All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love,
chores and love,
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that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break.
but give me a break.
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The colleges want to see
top scores and grades
top scores and grades
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and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
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The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults,
are asking that of our young adults,
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but here's the good news.
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Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe --
rankings racket would have us believe --
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(Applause)
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you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools
of the biggest brand name schools
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to be happy and successful in life.
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Happy and successful people
went to state school,
went to state school,
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went to a small college
no one has heard of,
no one has heard of,
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went to community college,
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went to a college over here
and flunked out.
and flunked out.
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(Applause)
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The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities,
is in our communities,
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that this is the truth.
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And if we could widen our blinders
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and be willing to look
at a few more colleges,
at a few more colleges,
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maybe remove our own egos
from the equation,
from the equation,
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we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize,
this truth and then realize,
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it is hardly the end of the world
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if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools.
of those big brand-name schools.
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And more importantly,
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if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist
according to a tyrannical checklist
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then when they get to college,
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whichever one it is,
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well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition,
on their own volition,
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fueled by their own desire,
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capable and ready to thrive there.
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I have to admit something to you.
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I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery.
Sawyer and Avery.
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They're teenagers.
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And once upon a time,
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I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
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like little bonsai trees --
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(Laughter)
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that I was going
to carefully clip and prune
to carefully clip and prune
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and shape into some perfect
form of a human
form of a human
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that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission
to warrant them admission
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to one of the most
highly selective colleges.
highly selective colleges.
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But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids --
with thousands of other people's kids --
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(Laughter)
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and raising two kids of my own,
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my kids aren't bonsai trees.
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They're wildflowers
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of an unknown genus and species --
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(Laughter)
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and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment,
a nourishing environment,
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to strengthen them through chores
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and to love them so they can
love others and receive love
love others and receive love
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and the college, the major, the career,
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that's up to them.
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My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become,
what I would have them become,
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but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves.
in becoming their glorious selves.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, authorJulie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com