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Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
Džuli Litkot-Hejms (Julie Lythcott-Haims): Kako da podignete uspešnu decu - bez preterivanja u vaspitanju
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Opterećujući decu visokim očekivanjima i upravljajući svakim aspektom njihovog života, roditelji zapravo ne pomažu. Barem to tako vidi Džuli Litkot-Hejms. Bivša dekanka brucošima na univerzitetu Stanford, strastveno i sarkastično argumentuje zašto bi roditelji trebalo da prestanu da definišu uspeh svoje dece na osnovu ocena i rezultata na testovima. Umesto toga, kaže, trebalo bi da se usredsrede na obezbeđivanje jedne od najstarijih ideja: bezuslovne ljubavi.
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert.
to be a parenting expert.
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Znate, nije mi bila namera
da budem ekspert za roditeljstvo.
da budem ekspert za roditeljstvo.
00:16
In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se.
in parenting, per Se.
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Zapravo, nisam naročito zainteresovana
za roditeljstvo samo po sebi.
za roditeljstvo samo po sebi.
00:21
It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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Prosto, ovih dana imamo
određeni stil roditeljstva
određeni stil roditeljstva
00:25
that is kind of messing up kids,
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koji na neki način kvari decu,
00:28
impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves.
to develop into theirselves.
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potkopava im šanse
da se razviju u sebe same.
da se razviju u sebe same.
00:33
There's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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Imamo određeni stil
roditeljstva ovih dana
roditeljstva ovih dana
00:35
that's getting in the way.
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koji smeta.
00:36
I guess what I'm saying is,
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Valjda hoću da kažem,
00:38
we spend a lot of time
being very concerned
being very concerned
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provodimo mnogo vremena veoma zabrinuti
00:40
about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids
in the lives of their kids
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za roditelje koji nisu dovoljno uključeni
u živote svoje dece
u živote svoje dece
00:44
and their education or their upbringing,
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i njihovo obrazovanje i podizanje,
00:46
and rightly so.
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i s pravom je tako.
00:48
But at the other end of the spectrum,
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Ali na drugom kraju spektra
00:50
there's a lot of harm
going on there as well,
going on there as well,
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se takođe mnogo štete nanosi,
00:53
where parents feel
a kid can't be successful
a kid can't be successful
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gde roditelji osećaju
da dete ne može da bude uspešno
da dete ne može da bude uspešno
00:56
unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn
and preventing at every turn
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ukoliko ga roditelj ne štiti
i brani na svakom koraku
i brani na svakom koraku
01:00
and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment,
and micromanaging every moment,
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i ne lebdi iznad svega što se dešava
i upravlja svime svakog trena,
i upravlja svime svakog trena,
01:03
and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers.
some small subset of colleges and careers.
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i usmerava svoju decu ka malom
podskupu fakulteta i karijera.
podskupu fakulteta i karijera.
01:10
When we raise kids this way,
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Kada ovako podižemo decu,
01:13
and I'll say we,
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i reći ću "mi",
01:15
because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers,
in raising my two teenagers,
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jer, sam bog zna, da sam
podižući dvoje tinejdžera
podižući dvoje tinejdžera
01:17
I've had these tendencies myself,
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i sama imala slične tendencije,
01:20
our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood.
a kind of checklisted childhood.
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naša deca završe vodeći detinjstvo
nalik štrikliranim listama.
nalik štrikliranim listama.
01:25
And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.
childhood looks like.
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A evo kako štriklirano detinjstvo izgleda.
01:27
We keep them safe and sound
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Čuvamo ih bezbednim i zdravim
01:30
and fed and watered,
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i hranimo i pojimo,
01:33
and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools,
they go to the right schools,
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a potom želimo da se postaramo
da pohađaju dobre škole,
da pohađaju dobre škole,
01:36
that they're in the right classes
at the right schools,
at the right schools,
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da su u dobrim odeljenjima
u dobrim školama,
u dobrim školama,
01:38
and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools.
in the right classes in the right schools.
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i da dobiju dobre ocene
u dobrim odeljenjima u dobrim školama.
u dobrim odeljenjima u dobrim školama.
Ali ne samo ocene, prosek,
01:42
But not just the grades, the scores,
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i ne samo ocene i prosek,
već i priznanja i nagrade
već i priznanja i nagrade
01:44
and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards
but the accolades and the awards
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i da se bave sportom,
aktivnostima, predvodništvom.
aktivnostima, predvodništvom.
01:47
and the sports,
the activities, the leadership.
the activities, the leadership.
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Govorimo našoj deci,
nemojte samo da se učlanite,
nemojte samo da se učlanite,
01:49
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
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osnujte klub jer fakulteti
žele to da vide.
žele to da vide.
01:51
start a club, because colleges
want to see that.
want to see that.
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01:53
And check the box for community service.
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I štriklirajte polje društvenog rada.
01:55
I mean, show the colleges
you care about others.
you care about others.
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Mislim, pokažite fakultetima
da marite za druge.
da marite za druge.
01:58
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:00
And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection.
hoped-for degree of perfection.
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I sve ovo se radi zarad
priželjkivane savršene diplome.
priželjkivane savršene diplome.
02:05
We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection
to perform at a level of perfection
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Očekujemo od dece
da imaju vrhunski učinak,
da imaju vrhunski učinak,
02:07
we were never asked
to perform at ourselves,
to perform at ourselves,
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koji nikad nismo tražili od nas samih,
02:11
and so because so much is required,
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i kako se toliko zahteva od njih,
02:13
we think,
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smatramo,
02:14
well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher
have to argue with every teacher
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svakako da mi roditelji moramo
da se prepiremo sa svakim nastavnikom
da se prepiremo sa svakim nastavnikom
02:17
and principal and coach and referee
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i direktorom i trenerom i sudijom
02:20
and act like our kid's concierge
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i da se ponašamo kao dečji asistent
02:23
and personal handler
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i lični sekundant
02:25
and secretary.
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i sekretarica.
02:27
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
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I onda s našom decom,
našom dragocenom decom,
našom dragocenom decom,
02:29
we spend so much time nudging,
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provodimo toliko vremena u poguravanju,
02:32
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be,
nagging as the case may be,
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dodvoravanju, aludiranju, pomaganju,
cenkanju, zakeranju - shodno tome
cenkanju, zakeranju - shodno tome
02:36
to be sure they're not screwing up,
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kako bismo se postarali da ne završe loše,
02:39
not closing doors,
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da ne zatvaraju vrata,
02:41
not ruining their future,
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ne uništavaju svoju budućnost,
02:44
some hoped-for admission
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nekakav priželjkivani prijem
02:46
to a tiny handful of colleges
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na šačicu fakulteta
02:49
that deny almost every applicant.
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koji odbijaju skoro sve kandidate.
02:54
And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
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A evo kako izgleda biti dete
u ovom štrikliranom detinjstvu.
u ovom štrikliranom detinjstvu.
03:00
First of all, there's
no time for free play.
no time for free play.
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Pre svega, nema vremena za slobodnu igru.
03:02
There's no room in the afternoons,
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Nema tome mesta tokom popodneva
03:04
because everything
has to be enriching, we think.
has to be enriching, we think.
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jer sve mora da obogaćuje decu,
tako smatramo.
tako smatramo.
03:07
It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity
every quiz, every activity
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Kao da je svaki domaći zadatak,
svaki kviz, svaka aktivnost
svaki kviz, svaka aktivnost
03:10
is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them,
for this future we have in mind for them,
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sudbonosni tren
za budućnost koju smo im osmislili,
za budućnost koju smo im osmislili,
03:15
and we absolve them
of helping out around the house,
of helping out around the house,
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i oslobađamo ih
pomaganja u kućnim aktivnostima,
pomaganja u kućnim aktivnostima,
03:18
and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep
of getting enough sleep
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čak ih oslobađamo i od sna
03:21
as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.
the items on their checklist.
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dokle god štrikliraju
zaduženja na svojim listama.
zaduženja na svojim listama.
03:26
And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy,
we say we just want them to be happy,
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A u štrikliranom detinjstvu,
govorimo da samo želimo da budu srećna,
govorimo da samo želimo da budu srećna,
03:30
but when they come home from school,
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ali kad se vrate kući iz škole,
03:32
what we ask about all too often first
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prečesto prvo što pitamo
03:35
is their homework and their grades.
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je o domaćim zadacima i ocenama.
03:38
And they see in our faces
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I ona vide na našim licima
03:40
that our approval, that our love,
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da naše odobravanje, naša ljubav,
03:43
that their very worth,
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da sama njihova vrednost
03:45
comes from A's.
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potiče od petica.
03:46
And then we walk alongside them
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I onda šetamo uz njih
03:49
and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show --
at the Westminster Dog Show --
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i pružamo im glasnu podršku poput
dresera na Vestminsterskoj izložbi pasa -
dresera na Vestminsterskoj izložbi pasa -
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:55
coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther,
and soar a little farther,
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nagovaramo ih da skaču malo više
i da se vinu malo dalje,
i da se vinu malo dalje,
04:00
day after day after day.
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dan za danom za danom.
04:03
And when they get to high school,
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A kad stignu do srednje škole,
04:05
they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying
be interested in studying
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ne kažu: "Pa, šta bi me zanimalo da učim
04:08
or doing as an activity?"
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ili čime da se zanimam?"
04:09
They go to counselors and they say,
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Odlaze kod savetnika i kažu:
04:11
"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?"
to get into the right college?"
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"Šta bi trebalo da uradim
da bih stigla na dobar fakultet?"
da bih stigla na dobar fakultet?"
04:15
And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school,
start to roll in in high school,
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A onda kad krenu ocene u srednjoj školi
04:18
and they're getting some B's,
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i počnu da dobijaju četvorke
04:19
or God forbid some C's,
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ili, ne daj bože, neke trojke,
04:22
they frantically text their friends
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u panici šalju prijateljima poruke,
04:24
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?"
into the right college with these grades?"
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pitajući: "Da li je iko upisao
dobar fakultet sa ovim ocenama?"
dobar fakultet sa ovim ocenama?"
04:29
And our kids,
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A naša deca,
04:31
regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school,
at the end of high school,
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bez obzira na to gde završila
nakon srednje škole,
nakon srednje škole,
04:35
they're breathless.
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bez daha su.
04:37
They're brittle.
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Krhka su.
04:38
They're a little burned out.
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Pomalo su istrošena.
04:40
They're a little old before their time,
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Pomalo su ostarila pre vremena,
04:42
wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
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želeći da su odrasli iz njihovog života
rekli: "Dovoljno ste uradili,
rekli: "Dovoljno ste uradili,
04:46
this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough."
in childhood is enough."
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ovaj trud koji ste uložili
tokom detinjstva je dovoljan."
tokom detinjstva je dovoljan."
04:49
And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression
under high rates of anxiety and depression
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I ona trenutno venu pod visokim stopama
anksioznosti i depresije,
anksioznosti i depresije,
04:53
and some of them are wondering,
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a neka od njih se pitaju,
04:55
will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it?
to have been worth it?
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hoće li ovaj život ikad ispasti
vredan svega ovoga?
vredan svega ovoga?
05:01
Well, we parents,
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Pa, mi roditelji,
05:03
we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it.
it's all worth it.
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mi roditelji smo prilično uvereni
da je vredno svega toga.
da je vredno svega toga.
05:06
We seem to behave --
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Čini se da se ponašamo -
05:08
it's like we literally think
they will have no future
they will have no future
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kao da bukvalno smatramo
da neće imati budućnost,
da neće imati budućnost,
05:10
if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers
tiny set of colleges or careers
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ako ne upadnu u neki od tih
fakulteta i karijera iz uskog kruga,
fakulteta i karijera iz uskog kruga,
05:15
we have in mind for them.
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koje smo zacrtali za njih.
05:17
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
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Ili smo možda, možda, prosto uplašeni
05:21
they won't have a future we can brag about
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da neće imati budućnost
kojom možemo da se hvalimo
kojom možemo da se hvalimo
05:23
to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars.
on the backs of our cars.
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pred našim prijateljima
i sa nalepnicama na pozadini automobila.
i sa nalepnicama na pozadini automobila.
05:29
Yeah.
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Da.
05:30
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
05:36
But if you look at what we've done,
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No, ako razmotrite šta smo uradili,
05:39
if you have the courage
to really look at it,
to really look at it,
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ako imate hrabrosti
da to zaista razmotrite,
da to zaista razmotrite,
05:43
you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes
think their worth comes
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videćete da ne samo da naša deca
misle da vrede onoliko
misle da vrede onoliko
05:46
from grades and scores,
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kolike su im ocene i prosek,
05:47
but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds
their precious developing minds
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već da kad se uselimo direktno
u njihove dragocene umove u razvoju,
u njihove dragocene umove u razvoju,
05:51
all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
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sve vreme, poput sopstvene verzije
filma "Biti Džon Malkovič",
filma "Biti Džon Malkovič",
05:56
we send our children the message:
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šaljemo našoj deci poruku:
05:58
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me."
achieve any of this without me."
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"Slušaj, dete, smatram da ništa od ovoga
zaista ne bi ostvario bez mene."
zaista ne bi ostvario bez mene."
06:03
And so with our overhelp,
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Pa uz našu preteranu pomoć,
06:06
our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding,
and overdirection and hand-holding,
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našu prezaštićenost
i preterano usmeravanje i paženje,
i preterano usmeravanje i paženje,
06:08
we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
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lišavamo našu decu
prilike da izgrade samoefikasnost,
prilike da izgrade samoefikasnost,
06:12
which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche,
of the human psyche,
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a to je zaista temeljno načelo
ljudske psihe,
ljudske psihe,
06:16
far more important
than that self-esteem they get
than that self-esteem they get
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daleko važnije
od samopouzdanja koje dobiju
od samopouzdanja koje dobiju
06:19
every time we applaud.
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svaki put kad im aplaudiramo.
06:21
Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
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Samoefikasnost se gradi kad pojedinac
uvidi da njegova dela daju rezultate,
uvidi da njegova dela daju rezultate,
06:27
not --
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ne -
06:28
There you go.
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Samo napred.
06:29
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
06:33
Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf,
actions on one's behalf,
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A ne dela roditelja u njegovo ime,
06:37
but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes.
lead to outcomes.
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već kad lična dela pojedinca
daju rezultate.
daju rezultate.
06:40
So simply put,
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Prosto rečeno,
06:41
if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must,
self-efficacy, and they must,
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ako želimo da naša deca razviju
samoefikasnost, a moraju,
samoefikasnost, a moraju,
06:47
then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
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onda će morati daleko više
da razmišljaju, planiraju, odlučuju,
da razmišljaju, planiraju, odlučuju,
06:51
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
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rade, nadaju se, izlaze na kraj,
pokušavaju i greše,
pokušavaju i greše,
06:55
dreaming and experiencing of life
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sanjaju i proživljavaju život
06:58
for themselves.
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samostalno.
07:01
Now, am I saying
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Sad, da li govorim
07:03
every kid is hard-working and motivated
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da je svako dete vredno i motivisano
07:06
and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives,
or interest in their lives,
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i nije im potrebno mešanje roditelja
i njihovih interesa u život
i njihovih interesa u život
07:09
and we should just back off and let go?
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i samo treba da se povučemo i pustimo ih?
07:12
Hell no.
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Nipošto!
07:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:14
That is not what I'm saying.
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Ne govorim to.
07:16
What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards
grades and scores and accolades and awards
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Govorim da kad tretiramo
ocene i prosek i priznanja i nagrade
ocene i prosek i priznanja i nagrade
07:19
as the purpose of childhood,
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kao svrhu detinjstva,
07:22
all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges
admission to a tiny number of colleges
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a sve zbog približavanja upisu
na neki priželjkivani fakultet
na neki priželjkivani fakultet
07:25
or entrance to a small number of careers,
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ili ulasku u maleni krug karijera,
07:28
that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids.
of success for our kids.
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to je suviše svedena definicija
uspeha za našu decu.
uspeha za našu decu.
07:33
And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins
achieve some short-term wins
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I, iako im možemo pomoći
da dobiju neke kratkoročne pobede
da dobiju neke kratkoročne pobede
07:36
by overhelping --
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preteranim pomaganjem -
07:38
like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework,
if we help them do their homework,
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poput dobijanja boljih ocena,
ako im pomažemo s domaćim,
ako im pomažemo s domaćim,
07:42
they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help --
childhood résumé when we help --
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možda će imati dužu
biografiju detinjstva kad im pomažemo -
biografiju detinjstva kad im pomažemo -
07:47
what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost
comes at a long-term cost
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govorim da sve ovo na duže staze šteti
07:50
to their sense of self.
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njihovoj svesti o sebi.
07:52
What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned
we should be less concerned
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Govorim da bi trebalo
da manje budemo obuzeti
da manje budemo obuzeti
07:55
with the specific set of colleges
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određenim krugom fakulteta
07:56
they might be able
to apply to or might get into
to apply to or might get into
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na koje mogu da se prijave
ili ih možda upišu,
ili ih možda upišu,
08:00
and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
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a daleko više zainteresovani time
da steknu navike, mentalni sklop, veštine,
da steknu navike, mentalni sklop, veštine,
08:05
the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go.
wherever they go.
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dobrostanje, da budu uspešni
kuda god da krenu.
kuda god da krenu.
08:10
What I'm saying is,
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Govorim
08:11
our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores
less obsessed with grades and scores
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da zbog naše dece moramo da budemo
manje opsednuti ocenama i prosekom,
manje opsednuti ocenama i prosekom,
08:15
and a whole lot more interested
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a daleko zainteresovaniji
08:18
in childhood providing
a foundation for their success
a foundation for their success
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za to da im detinjstvo
obezbedi temelj za njihov uspeh,
obezbedi temelj za njihov uspeh,
08:23
built on things like love
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sagrađen od nečega kao što je ljubav
08:27
and chores.
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i kućni poslovi.
08:28
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:30
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
08:35
Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did.
Did I just say chores? I really did.
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Da li sam rekla kućni poslovi?
Da li sam to upravo rekla? Zaista jesam.
Da li sam to upravo rekla? Zaista jesam.
08:39
But really, here's why.
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Uistinu, evo zašto.
08:43
The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted
of humans ever conducted
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Najduže longitudinalno istraživanje
ljudi ikad sprovedeno
ljudi ikad sprovedeno
08:46
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
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se naziva Istraživanje Harvard Grant.
08:49
It found that professional
success in life,
success in life,
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Otkrilo je da profesionalni
uspeh u životu,
uspeh u životu,
08:51
which is what we want for our kids,
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nešto što želimo našoj deci,
da profesionalni uspeh u životu proističe
iz obavljanja kućnih poslova u detinjstvu
iz obavljanja kućnih poslova u detinjstvu
08:54
that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
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08:57
and the earlier you started, the better,
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2016
i što ranije počnete, to bolje,
08:59
that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset,
and-pitch-in mindset,
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da mentalni sklop -
zavrnuti-rukave-i-pripomoći,
zavrnuti-rukave-i-pripomoći,
mentalni sklop koji kaže:
postoji i neprijatan posao,
postoji i neprijatan posao,
09:02
a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work,
there's some unpleasant work,
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09:04
someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me,
it might as well be me,
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neko mora da ga obavi,
bolje da to budem ja;
bolje da to budem ja;
09:07
a mindset that says,
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mentalni sklop koji kaže:
09:08
I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole,
to the betterment of the whole,
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priložiću svoj trud
zarad sveukupnog boljitka -
zarad sveukupnog boljitka -
09:11
that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.
in the workplace.
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tako se napreduje na radnom mestu.
09:14
Now, we all know this. You know this.
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E sad, svi ovo znamo. Vi ovo znate.
09:17
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
09:20
We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood,
in the checklisted childhood,
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Svi ovo znamo, pa ipak
u štrikliranom detinjstvu,
u štrikliranom detinjstvu,
09:23
we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house,
the work of chores around the house,
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oslobađamo decu kućnih poslova,
09:27
and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace
as young adults in the workplace
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i ona završe kao mladi ljudi
na radnom mestu
na radnom mestu
09:30
still waiting for a checklist,
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i dalje čekajući na listu za štrikliranje,
09:32
but it doesn't exist,
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koja ne postoji;
09:33
and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct
lacking the impulse, the instinct
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a što je još značajnije,
nedostaje im potisak, instinkt
nedostaje im potisak, instinkt
09:37
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
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da zavrnu rukave i pripomognu
09:39
and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
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i da se osvrnu i zapitaju:
kako mogu da budem od pomoći kolegama?
kako mogu da budem od pomoći kolegama?
09:43
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need?
to what my boss might need?
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Kako da unapred predvidim
šta bi mom šefu trebalo?
šta bi mom šefu trebalo?
09:48
A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study
from the Harvard Grant Study
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Drugo, veoma važno otkriće
iz Istraživanja Harvard Grant
iz Istraživanja Harvard Grant
09:52
said that happiness in life
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kaže da sreća u životu
09:55
comes from love,
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proističe iz ljubavi,
09:57
not love of work,
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ne ljubavi prema poslu,
09:59
love of humans:
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već ljubavi prema ljudima:
10:02
our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family.
our friends, our family.
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našem supružniku, našem partneru,
našim prijateljima, našoj porodici.
našim prijateljima, našoj porodici.
10:06
So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love,
our kids how to love,
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Stoga bi deca u detinjstvu
trebalo da nauče da vole,
trebalo da nauče da vole,
10:10
and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves,
if they don't first love themselves,
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a ne mogu da vole druge,
ako prevashodno ne vole sebe,
ako prevashodno ne vole sebe,
10:13
and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
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a neće voleti sebe,
ako im ne pružimo bezuslovnu ljubav.
ako im ne pružimo bezuslovnu ljubav.
10:17
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
10:21
Right.
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Tačno tako.
10:24
And so,
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I stoga,
10:26
instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores
with grades and scores
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umesto opsednutosti ocenama i prosekom,
10:28
when our precious offspring
come home from school,
come home from school,
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kad se naš dragoceni potomak
vrati kući iz škole,
vrati kući iz škole,
10:31
or we come home from work,
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ili se mi vratimo kući s posla,
10:32
we need to close our technology,
put away our phones,
put away our phones,
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trebalo bi da isključimo tehnologiju,
odložimo telefone
odložimo telefone
10:35
and look them in the eye
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i da ih pogledamo u oči
10:36
and let them see
the joy that fills our faces
the joy that fills our faces
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i dozvolimo im da vide
radost koja nam obasjava lica
radost koja nam obasjava lica
10:40
when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours.
for the first time in a few hours.
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jer vidimo svoju decu
prvi put nakon nekoliko sati.
prvi put nakon nekoliko sati.
10:43
And then we have to say,
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A onda moramo da pitamo:
10:45
"How was your day?
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"Kako ste proveli dan?
10:47
What did you like about today?"
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Šta vam je danas bilo lepo?"
10:50
And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
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A kad vaša tinejdžerka odgovori:
"Užina", kao što moja radi,
"Užina", kao što moja radi,
a ja želim da čujem
o kontrolnom iz matematike,
o kontrolnom iz matematike,
10:54
and I want to hear about the math test,
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10:56
not lunch,
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a ne o užini,
10:57
you have to still
take an interest in lunch.
take an interest in lunch.
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i dalje se morate zainteresovati za užinu.
11:01
You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?"
about lunch today?"
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Morate da pitate: "Šta je tako krasno
bilo kod današnje užine?"
bilo kod današnje užine?"
11:04
They need to know
they matter to us as humans,
they matter to us as humans,
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Moraju da znaju
da su nam važni kao ljudi,
da su nam važni kao ljudi,
11:07
not because of their GPA.
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a ne zbog proseka.
11:11
All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love,
chores and love,
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U redu, sad mislite,
kućni poslovi i ljubav,
kućni poslovi i ljubav,
11:13
that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break.
but give me a break.
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sve to zvuči sjajno, ali manite me se.
11:16
The colleges want to see
top scores and grades
top scores and grades
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2976
Fakulteti žele da vide
vrhunski prosek i ocene
vrhunski prosek i ocene
11:19
and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
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i priznanja i nagrade,
a ja vam kažem da nije baš tako.
a ja vam kažem da nije baš tako.
11:25
The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults,
are asking that of our young adults,
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Najuglednije škole
to traže od naše omladine,
to traže od naše omladine,
11:31
but here's the good news.
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ali evo dobrih vijesti.
11:33
Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe --
rankings racket would have us believe --
227
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Nasuprot tome u šta nas uveravaju
reketaši koji rangiraju fakultete -
reketaši koji rangiraju fakultete -
11:38
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
11:44
you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools
of the biggest brand name schools
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ne morate da pohađate najugledniju školu
da biste bili srećni i uspešni u životu.
11:46
to be happy and successful in life.
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11:48
Happy and successful people
went to state school,
went to state school,
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Srećni i uspešni ljudi
su pohađali državne škole,
su pohađali državne škole,
pohađali su manje fakultete
za koje niko nije čuo,
za koje niko nije čuo,
11:51
went to a small college
no one has heard of,
no one has heard of,
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11:53
went to community college,
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pohađali su državne fakultete,
11:55
went to a college over here
and flunked out.
and flunked out.
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pohađali su te tamo fakultete
i napuštali ih.
i napuštali ih.
11:58
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
12:05
The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities,
is in our communities,
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Dokaz je u ovoj prostoriji,
u našim zajednicama,
u našim zajednicama,
12:08
that this is the truth.
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da je ovo istina.
12:09
And if we could widen our blinders
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I ako bismo proširili vidike
i bili voljni da razmotrimo
još par fakulteta,
još par fakulteta,
12:11
and be willing to look
at a few more colleges,
at a few more colleges,
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12:13
maybe remove our own egos
from the equation,
from the equation,
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3536
možda uklonili sopstveni ego iz jednačine,
12:17
we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize,
this truth and then realize,
241
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3656
mogli bismo da prihvatimo i prigrlimo
ovu istinu i da shvatimo,
ovu istinu i da shvatimo,
12:21
it is hardly the end of the world
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1976
teško da je smak sveta,
12:23
if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools.
of those big brand-name schools.
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ako naša deca ne pohađaju
jedan od tih uglednijih fakulteta.
jedan od tih uglednijih fakulteta.
12:27
And more importantly,
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I što je još važnije,
12:29
if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist
according to a tyrannical checklist
245
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ako detinjstvo ne prožive
prema tiranskoj listi za štrikliranje,
prema tiranskoj listi za štrikliranje,
12:34
then when they get to college,
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onda će kad upišu fakultet,
12:36
whichever one it is,
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1936
koji god to bio,
12:38
well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition,
on their own volition,
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pa, stići će tamo samovoljno,
12:41
fueled by their own desire,
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pokrenuti sopstvenom željom,
12:44
capable and ready to thrive there.
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sposobni i spremni da uspeju tamo.
12:49
I have to admit something to you.
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Moram nešto da vam priznam.
12:51
I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery.
Sawyer and Avery.
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Pomenula sam da imam dvoje dece,
Sojera i Ejveri.
Sojera i Ejveri.
12:54
They're teenagers.
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Tinejdžeri su.
12:56
And once upon a time,
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I nekada davno,
12:58
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
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mislim da sam tretirala
mog Sojera i moju Ejveri
mog Sojera i moju Ejveri
13:01
like little bonsai trees --
256
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poput malenog bonsai drveća -
13:02
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:05
that I was going
to carefully clip and prune
to carefully clip and prune
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2936
htela sam pažljivo
da ih podšišam i potkrešem
da ih podšišam i potkrešem
13:08
and shape into some perfect
form of a human
form of a human
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i oblikujem u nekakva
savršena ljudska bića,
savršena ljudska bića,
13:12
that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission
to warrant them admission
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3496
koja će možda biti dovoljno savršena
da obezbede sebi upis
da obezbede sebi upis
13:15
to one of the most
highly selective colleges.
highly selective colleges.
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na jedan od najizbirljivijih fakulteta.
13:19
But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids --
with thousands of other people's kids --
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Ali sam shvatila,
radeći sa hiljadama tuđe dece -
radeći sa hiljadama tuđe dece -
13:23
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:26
and raising two kids of my own,
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i podižući dvoje sopstvene dece,
13:30
my kids aren't bonsai trees.
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da moja deca nisu bonsai drveće.
13:33
They're wildflowers
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Ona su livadsko cveće
13:36
of an unknown genus and species --
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nepoznatog roda i vrste -
13:39
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
13:41
and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment,
a nourishing environment,
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a moj je posao da im obezbedim
plodno okruženje,
plodno okruženje,
13:44
to strengthen them through chores
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da ih ojačam kroz kućne poslove
13:47
and to love them so they can
love others and receive love
love others and receive love
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i da ih volim kako bi oni znali
da vole druge i prihvate ljubav,
da vole druge i prihvate ljubav,
13:51
and the college, the major, the career,
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a fakultet, odsek, karijera,
13:54
that's up to them.
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to je na njima.
13:56
My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become,
what I would have them become,
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Moj posao nije da ih nateram da postanu
ono što ja želim da postanu,
ono što ja želim da postanu,
14:01
but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves.
in becoming their glorious selves.
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već da im pružim podršku
da ostvare svoje najuzvišenije "ja".
da ostvare svoje najuzvišenije "ja".
14:07
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
14:08
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, authorJulie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com