Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
Julie Lythcott-Haims: Como criar crianças de sucesso — sem demasiado controlo
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to be a parenting expert.
a ser especialista parental.
in parenting, per Se.
nas competências parentais em si mesmas.
of parenting these days
hoje em dia
está a prejudicar as crianças,
to develop into theirselves.
a sua personalidade.
of parenting these days
de educação, hoje em dia,
é que nos preocupamos muito
being very concerned
in the lives of their kids
na vida dos seus filhos,
e fazemos bem.
há também muitos prejuízos
going on there as well,
a kid can't be successful
que o filho não será bem sucedido,
and preventing at every turn
sempre a protegê-lo,
and micromanaging every moment,
e a gerir todos os momentos,
some small subset of colleges and careers.
faculdades e carreiras.
in raising my two teenagers,
ao criar os meus dois adolescentes,
a kind of checklisted childhood.
uma infância programada.
childhood looks like.
they go to the right schools,
nas escolas certas, mas não só,
at the right schools,
nas classes certas das escolas certas.
in the right classes in the right schools.
também as notas,
mas distinções e prémios,
but the accolades and the awards
the activities, the leadership.
"Não adiram a um clube, iniciem um clube,
want to see that.
do serviço comunitário".
que se preocupam com os outros.
you care about others.
hoped-for degree of perfection.
de um alto grau de perfeição.
to perform at a level of perfection
atinjam um nível de perfeição
to perform at ourselves,
have to argue with every teacher
temos que discutir com os professores,
e com os árbitros
nagging as the case may be,
negociando, insistindo se necessário
não deitem tudo a perder,
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
com esta infância programada?
no time for free play.
has to be enriching, we think.
tem que ser enriquecedor.
every quiz, every activity
cada teste, cada atividade,
for this future we have in mind for them,
para o futuro que lhes planeámos.
of helping out around the house,
não ajudem nos trabalhos domésticos,
of getting enough sleep
não durmam o suficiente,
the items on their checklist.
as tarefas do programa.
we say we just want them to be happy,
que só queremos que eles sejam felizes,
em primeiro lugar
at the Westminster Dog Show --
como um treinador num concurso canino...
and soar a little farther,
um pouco mais alto,
não dizem:
be interested in studying
interessado em estudar?
to get into the right college?"
para entrar na faculdade certa?"
start to roll in in high school,
a aparecer as notas, no liceu,
aos amigos e dizem:
into the right college with these grades?"
com estas notas?"
at the end of high school,
no final do liceu,
para a sua idade,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
in childhood is enough."
durante a infância é suficiente".
under high rates of anxiety and depression
sob uma grande ansiedade e depressão
to have been worth it?
it's all worth it.
de que vale a pena.
they will have no future
que não terão futuro
tiny set of colleges or careers
faculdades ou carreiras
um futuro de que nos possamos gabar
on the backs of our cars.
na traseira do automóvel.
to really look at it,
think their worth comes
não só pensam
dos diplomas e notas,
their precious developing minds
espíritos em desenvolvimento,
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
"Queres ser John Malkovich?"
achieve any of this without me."
fazer isso sem mim".
and overdirection and hand-holding,
e super direção, de mão dada,
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
a capacidade de realização
of the human psyche,
da psique humana,
than that self-esteem they get
do que a autoestima
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
que as nossas ações produzem resultados
actions on one's behalf,
em nosso nome,
lead to outcomes.
produzem resultados.
self-efficacy, and they must,
desenvolvam autoeficácia
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
na área do pensar, planear, decidir,
sobreviver, tentar e errar,
bons trabalhadores e estão motivados
or interest in their lives,
ou do seu interesse pela vida deles,
grades and scores and accolades and awards
diplomas e notas, distinções e prémios
admission to a tiny number of colleges
num pequeno leque de faculdades,
número de carreiras,
of success for our kids.
de êxito para os nossos filhos.
achieve some short-term wins
a alcançar alguns ganhos a curto prazo,
if we help them do their homework,
se os ajudarmos nos trabalhos de casa,
childhood résumé when we help --
quando os ajudamos —
comes at a long-term cost
tem um alto preço a longo prazo.
we should be less concerned
é que devemos preocupar-nos menos
to apply to or might get into
ou poderão entrar,
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
que eles tenham os hábitos,
wherever they go.
para onde quer que vão.
less obsessed with grades and scores
menos obcecados com diplomas e notas
a foundation for their success
os alicerces do seu êxito
Did I just say chores? I really did.
Disse tarefas? Disse, sim.
of humans ever conducted
sobre seres humanos, já feito,
success in life,
que o êxito profissional na vida,
para os nossos filhos,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
depende de ter feito tarefas em criança
e "pôr as mãos na massa",
and-pitch-in mindset,
there's some unpleasant work,
se há trabalho desagradável
it might as well be me,
"posso ser eu",
to the betterment of the whole,
para a melhoria de todos",
in the workplace.
no local do trabalho.
Vocês sabem isto.
in the checklisted childhood,
na infância programada,
the work of chores around the house,
de fazerem as tarefas domésticas,
as young adults in the workplace
no local do trabalho
lacking the impulse, the instinct
falta-lhes o impulso, o instinto
e pôr as mãos na massa
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
"Como posso ser útil para os colegas?"
to what my boss might need?
com alguma antecedência
from the Harvard Grant Study
do Harvard Grant Study
our friends, our family.
dos nossos amigos, da nossa família.
our kids how to love,
aos nossos filhos como amar,
if they don't first love themselves,
se não se amarem,
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
um amor incondicional.
with grades and scores
com diplomas e notas,
come home from school,
regressam da escola,
put away our phones,
guardar os telemóveis,
the joy that fills our faces
a alegria que enche a nossa cara
for the first time in a few hours.
pela primeira vez, ao fim de horas.
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
disser: "Almoço", como fez a minha,
do teste de matemática,
take an interest in lunch.
about lunch today?"
"O que é que o almoço teve hoje de bom?"
they matter to us as humans,
enquanto seres humanos,
chores and love,
"Tarefas e amor,
but give me a break.
top scores and grades
e notas altas, distinções e prémios".
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
are asking that of our young adults,
pedem isso aos adolescentes
rankings racket would have us believe --
das faculdades nos querem fazer crer...
of the biggest brand name schools
dessas escolas de maior renome
went to state school,
andaram em escolas públicas,
no one has heard of,
de que ninguém ouviu falar,
and flunked out.
e desistiram.
is in our communities,
está nas nossas comunidades,
at a few more colleges,
para mais faculdades,
from the equation,
this truth and then realize,
esta verdade e perceber
of those big brand-name schools.
numa dessas escolas de renome.
according to a tyrannical checklist
segundo um programa tirânico,
on their own volition,
por sua própria vontade,
Sawyer and Avery.
Sawyer e Avery.
Sawyer e Avery
to carefully clip and prune
cortar e podar
form of a human
de um ser humano,
to warrant them admission
para lhes garantir a entrada
highly selective colleges.
with thousands of other people's kids --
depois de trabalhar
de outras pessoas...
a nourishing environment,
um ambiente nutritivo,
love others and receive love
amar outros e receberem amor
what I would have them become,
em quem eu gostava que fossem,
in becoming their glorious selves.
nos seres gloriosos que irão ser.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, authorJulie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com