Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
युली लिथकॉट-हेम्स: यशस्वी मुलं कशी वाढवावीत - पालकत्वाचा अतिरेक न करता
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to be a parenting expert.
पालकत्वाची तज्ञ होणार नव्हते.
in parenting, per Se.
फारसा रसही नाही.
of parenting these days
प्रकारची पद्धत आहे
to develop into theirselves.
of parenting these days
एक ठराविक प्रकारची पद्धत
being very concerned
पालकांची काळजी
in the lives of their kids
आणि त्यांच्या शिक्षणात किंवा त्यांना
going on there as well,
a kid can't be successful
मुलं यशस्वी होऊ शकत नाहीत
and preventing at every turn
आणि प्रत्येक वळणावर रक्षण करत नाही
and micromanaging every moment,
आणि प्रत्येक क्षणात लक्ष घालत नाही
some small subset of colleges and careers.
आणि कारकिरदींच्या एका छोट्या संचाकडे ढकलत नाही
in raising my two teenagers,
मुलांना वाढवताना,
a kind of checklisted childhood.
साचेबद्ध असंच गेलं.
childhood looks like.
they go to the right schools,
ते योग्य शाळांत जातील,
at the right schools,
in the right classes in the right schools.
योग्य श्रेणी मिळेल.
but the accolades and the awards
प्रशंसा आणि परितोषिकं
the activities, the leadership.
आपण आपल्या मुलांना
समूह
want to see that.
असतं.
you care about others.
इतरांची
(हशा)
hoped-for degree of perfection.
परिपूर्णतेसाठी हे सगळं केलं जातं.
to perform at a level of perfection
पातळीने कामगिरी
to perform at ourselves,
आपल्यालासुद्धा लागू नव्हती
have to argue with every teacher
शिक्षकाशी आणि मुख्याध्यापकाशी
घातला पाहिजे
आपल्या बहुमूल्य
घालवतो प्रसंगानुरूप
nagging as the case may be,
देण्यात, मदतीत, तडजोडीत, उणीदुणी काढण्यात
घोळ तर घालत नाही आहेत,
अशा महाविद्यालयांत
नाकारतात
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
मूल असणं म्हणजे हे असं असतं.
no time for free play.
वेळ नसतो.
has to be enriching, we think.
ही समृद्ध करणारी असावी.
every quiz, every activity
प्रत्येक प्रश्नमंजुषा, प्रत्येक कृती
for this future we have in mind for them,
कल्पिलेल्या त्यांच्या भविष्यातील
of helping out around the house,
करण्यापासून मुक्त करतो,
of getting enough sleep
घेऊ देत नाही जोवर ते
the items on their checklist.
we say we just want them to be happy,
आपल्याला ते खुश असायला हवेत,
at the Westminster Dog Show --
प्रशिक्षकसारखी पकपक करतो.
and soar a little farther,
थोडी अजून भरारी घेण्यासाठी चुचकारतो,
be interested in studying
to get into the right college?"
मला काय करणं गरजेचं आहे?"
start to roll in in high school,
ते वेडेपिसे होऊन
into the right college with these grades?"
महाविद्यालयात प्रवेश मिळाला आहे?
at the end of high school,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
मोठी माणसं म्हणतील, "तू जे केलं आहेस ते
in childhood is enough."
हे प्रयत्न पुरेसे आहेत."
under high rates of anxiety and depression
अतिप्रमाणामुळे ते कोमेजून जात आहेत
to have been worth it?
it's all worth it.
कि ते मौल्यवान आहे.
they will have no future
त्यांना भविष्यच नसेल जर त्यांनी
tiny set of colleges or careers
आणि कारकिर्दींच्या छोट्या समूहात
ही भीती असते
शकू असे
on the backs of our cars.
शकू असे त्यांचे भविष्य नसेल.
हे जर तुम्ही पहिलं तर
to really look at it,
खरच तुमच्याकडे असेल तर,
think their worth comes
हाच विचार करत नाहीत कि
their precious developing minds
सतत वास करत असतो
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
आपल्या स्वरुपात
achieve any of this without me."
जमेल असं मला वाटत नाही."
and overdirection and hand-holding,
अती दिग्दर्शनाने आणि आधाराने
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
निर्माण करण्याच्या संधीपासून वंचित ठेवतो,
of the human psyche,
than that self-esteem they get
स्वाभिमानपेक्षा
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
लागते तेव्हा स्वसामर्थ्य उभारून येते,
actions on one's behalf,
केलेल्या कृतींतून नव्हे,
lead to outcomes.
होते तेव्हा.
self-efficacy, and they must,
असेल, आणि त्यांच्यात ते हवंच,
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
विचार, नियोजन, निर्णय, कृती,
आणि प्रेरित असते
or interest in their lives,
सहभागाची गरज नसते
grades and scores and accolades and awards
श्रेणी, गुण, परितोषिकं आणि बक्षिसं हीच
admission to a tiny number of colleges
ईप्सित प्रवेशाच्या उत्कर्षासाठी किंवा
of success for our kids.
संकुचित संज्ञा असते.
achieve some short-term wins
पल्ल्यातील यश मिळवण्यास मदत केली
if we help them do their homework,
त्यांना चांगली श्रेणी मिळते,
childhood résumé when we help --
त्यांचे बालपण लांबू शकते --
comes at a long-term cost
एक दीर्घकालीन किंमत मोजावी लागते
जागृत होण्यासाठी.
we should be less concerned
कमी चिंतीत असावं
to apply to or might get into
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
कि ते जिथे कुठे जातील तिथे यशस्वी
wherever they go.
कौशल्ये, आरोग्य असेल.
less obsessed with grades and scores
गुणांच्या बाबतीत कमी झपाटलेले हवे आहोत
a foundation for their success
Did I just say chores? I really did.
मी आत्ता दैनंदिन कामं म्हणले का?
पण खरंच. का ते सांगते.
of humans ever conducted
प्रदीर्घ अभ्यास म्हणजे
success in life,
व्यावसायिक यश,
हवं असतं,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
केलेल्या दैनंदिन कामांतून येतं,
and-pitch-in mindset,
there's some unpleasant work,
एक नावडतं काम आहे,
it might as well be me,
कदाचित ती व्यक्ती मीच,
to the betterment of the whole,
प्रयत्नांचे योगदान देईन,
in the workplace.
प्रगती करू शकता.
in the checklisted childhood,
सूचीबद्ध बालपणात,
the work of chores around the house,
as young adults in the workplace
बनतात ज्यांना,
lacking the impulse, the instinct
सहजप्रवृत्तीची कमतरता असते
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
सहकार्यांच्या कसं उपयोगी पडू शकतो?
to what my boss might need?
याचा अंदाज मी आधीच कसा लावू शकतो?
from the Harvard Grant Study
शोध सांगतो
our friends, our family.
आपले मित्र, आपले कुटुंबीय.
our kids how to love,
आपल्या मुलांना शिकवणे गरजेचे आहे,
if they don't first love themselves,
जर त्यांनी आधी स्वतःवर
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
व ते स्वतःवर प्रेम करणार नाहीत
with grades and scores
come home from school,
घरी येते
put away our phones,
फोन्स बाजूला ठेवले
the joy that fills our faces
खुललेला चेहरा पहायला दिला
for the first time in a few hours.
तासांनंतर प्रथमच पाहतो.
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
"दुपारचं जेवण," जशी माझी मुलगी म्हणाली,
take an interest in lunch.
about lunch today?"
काय विशेष होतं?"
they matter to us as humans,
माणूस या नात्याने ते महत्वाचे आहेत
chores and love,
दैनंदिन कामं व
but give me a break.
पण वास्तवात ते नसतं.
top scores and grades
लागतात
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
आणि मी तुम्हाला सांगणार आहे.
are asking that of our young adults,
तरूणांकडे विचारणा करतात
rankings racket would have us believe --
आपल्याला विश्वास ठेवायला लावते त्याविरुद्ध
of the biggest brand name schools
जयची गरज नसते
went to state school,
सरकारी शाळेत गेले,
no one has heard of,
शिकले,
and flunked out.
अयशस्वी ठरले.
is in our communities,
आपल्या समाजात आहे,
at a few more colleges,
महाविद्यालयांकडे बघू शकलो
from the equation,
दूर करू शकलो
this truth and then realize,
शकतो आणि कळू शकते
of those big brand-name schools.
शाळांत गेली नाहीत तर.
according to a tyrannical checklist
सूचीनुसार गेलेले नसेल तर
on their own volition,
गेलेले असतील
आणि तयार असतील.
Sawyer and Avery.
सॉयर आणि अवेरी.
to carefully clip and prune
form of a human
मानवाचा आकार देणार होते
to warrant them admission
highly selective colleges.
with thousands of other people's kids --
वावरल्यावर माझ्या लक्षात आले --
a nourishing environment,
माझे काम आहे,
love others and receive love
इतरांवर प्रेम करतील आणि प्रेम मिळवतील
what I would have them become,
बनवणं नाही
in becoming their glorious selves.
करून देण्यास आधार देणे आहे.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, authorJulie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com