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Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
Julie Lythcott-Haims: Kako odgojiti uspješnu djecu bez pretjerivanja s roditeljstvom
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Nametanjem gomile velikih očekivanja djeci i upravljanjem njihovim životima do najsitnijih detalja, roditelji, zapravo, ne pomažu. Tako barem smatra Julie Lytchott-Haims. Bivša dekanica za brucoše na Stanfordu, strastveno i s dozom sarkastičnog humora, roditeljima poručuje da prestanu definirati uspjeh svoje djece ocjenama i rezultatima testova. Umjesto toga, tvrdi da bi se trebali okrenuti najstarijoj ideji - pružanju bezuvjetne ljubavi.
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert.
to be a parenting expert.
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Znate, nisam planirala postati
stručnjak za roditeljstvo.
stručnjak za roditeljstvo.
00:16
In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se.
in parenting, per Se.
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Zapravo, roditeljstvo kao takvo
ne zanima me pretjerano.
ne zanima me pretjerano.
00:21
It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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Ali u zadnje vrijeme postoji
jedan stil roditeljstva
jedan stil roditeljstva
00:25
that is kind of messing up kids,
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koji stvara zbrku kod djece
00:28
impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves.
to develop into theirselves.
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i sprječava ih da se razviju u same sebe.
Danas postoji jedan stil roditeljstva
00:33
There's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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00:35
that's getting in the way.
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koji smeta.
00:36
I guess what I'm saying is,
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Hoću reći
da provodimo mnogo vremena
veoma se brinući
veoma se brinući
00:38
we spend a lot of time
being very concerned
being very concerned
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00:40
about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids
in the lives of their kids
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o roditeljima koji nisu dovoljno
uključeni u život svoje djece,
uključeni u život svoje djece,
u njihovo obrazovanje ili odgoj
00:44
and their education or their upbringing,
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i s pravom smo zabrinuti.
00:46
and rightly so.
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00:48
But at the other end of the spectrum,
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No, i na suprotnoj se strani spektra
događa mnogo toga lošeg.
00:50
there's a lot of harm
going on there as well,
going on there as well,
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00:53
where parents feel
a kid can't be successful
a kid can't be successful
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Roditelji misle da dijete
ne može biti uspješno
ne može biti uspješno
ako oni nisu tu da ga štite
i sprječavaju na svakom koraku,
i sprječavaju na svakom koraku,
00:56
unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn
and preventing at every turn
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da nadgledaju i upravljaju
svime što se događa,
svime što se događa,
01:00
and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment,
and micromanaging every moment,
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da usmjeravaju dijete ka šačici
fakulteta i karijera.
fakulteta i karijera.
01:03
and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers.
some small subset of colleges and careers.
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01:10
When we raise kids this way,
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Kada na ovakav način odgajamo djecu,
a kažem mi,
01:13
and I'll say we,
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jer sam, odgajajući dvoje tinejdžera,
01:15
because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers,
in raising my two teenagers,
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i sama imala takve tendencije,
01:17
I've had these tendencies myself,
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djetinjstva naše djece
unaprijed su isplanirana.
unaprijed su isplanirana.
01:20
our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood.
a kind of checklisted childhood.
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01:25
And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.
childhood looks like.
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Ovako izgleda takvo djetinjstvo.
01:27
We keep them safe and sound
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Brinemo se da su na sigurnom,
da jedu i piju,
01:30
and fed and watered,
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01:33
and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools,
they go to the right schools,
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a zatim se želimo pobrinuti za to
da idu u dobre škole,
da idu u dobre škole,
01:36
that they're in the right classes
at the right schools,
at the right schools,
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da su u dobrim razredima dobrih škola
i da u dobrim razredima dobrih škola
imaju dobre ocjene.
imaju dobre ocjene.
01:38
and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools.
in the right classes in the right schools.
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Ali ne samo ocjene, već i prosjeke.
01:42
But not just the grades, the scores,
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I ne samo ocjene i prosjeke,
već i priznanja, nagrade,
već i priznanja, nagrade,
01:44
and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards
but the accolades and the awards
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sportove, aktivnosti i predvodništvo.
01:47
and the sports,
the activities, the leadership.
the activities, the leadership.
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Kažemo im, nemoj samo biti član kluba,
01:49
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
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pokreni klub, to fakulteti žele vidjeti.
01:51
start a club, because colleges
want to see that.
want to see that.
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Bavi se i društvenim radom.
01:53
And check the box for community service.
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Pokaži fakultetima
da ti je stalo do drugih.
da ti je stalo do drugih.
01:55
I mean, show the colleges
you care about others.
you care about others.
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01:58
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:00
And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection.
hoped-for degree of perfection.
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Sve to kako bi se dostigla
neka zamišljena diploma savršenstva.
neka zamišljena diploma savršenstva.
02:05
We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection
to perform at a level of perfection
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Od djece očekujemo
savršenu raznu postignuća,
savršenu raznu postignuća,
02:07
we were never asked
to perform at ourselves,
to perform at ourselves,
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kakva od nas samih nikad nije tražena.
02:11
and so because so much is required,
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I baš zato što se toliko toga zahtijeva,
mislimo da se
02:13
we think,
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kao roditelji, naravno, moramo
svađati sa svakim nastavnikom,
svađati sa svakim nastavnikom,
02:14
well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher
have to argue with every teacher
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ravnateljem, trenerom i sucem
02:17
and principal and coach and referee
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te svojem djetetu glumiti čuvara,
02:20
and act like our kid's concierge
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osobnog trenera
02:23
and personal handler
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02:25
and secretary.
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i tajnicu.
02:27
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
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A zatim sa svojom tako dragom djecom
provodimo toliko vremena gurkajući,
02:29
we spend so much time nudging,
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nagovarajući, ukazujući, pomažući,
prepirući se, prigovarajući,
prepirući se, prigovarajući,
02:32
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be,
nagging as the case may be,
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kako bismo bili sigurni da
sve rade kako treba,
sve rade kako treba,
02:36
to be sure they're not screwing up,
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da si ne zatvaraju vrata,
02:39
not closing doors,
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da si ne upropaštavaju budućnost,
02:41
not ruining their future,
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to priželjkivano primanje
02:44
some hoped-for admission
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na šačicu fakulteta
02:46
to a tiny handful of colleges
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koji odbijaju gotovo sve kandidate.
02:49
that deny almost every applicant.
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02:54
And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
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Evo kako je to biti dijete
isplaniranog djetinjstva.
isplaniranog djetinjstva.
Prije svega, nema vremena
za slobodnu igru.
za slobodnu igru.
03:00
First of all, there's
no time for free play.
no time for free play.
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Nema vremena poslijepodne
03:02
There's no room in the afternoons,
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jer mislimo da sve mora biti obogaćujuće.
03:04
because everything
has to be enriching, we think.
has to be enriching, we think.
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Kao da je svaka zadaća,
svaki test, svaka aktivnost
svaki test, svaka aktivnost
03:07
It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity
every quiz, every activity
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odlučujući trenutak za tu budućnost
koju za njih sanjamo
koju za njih sanjamo
03:10
is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them,
for this future we have in mind for them,
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pa ih oslobađamo od pomaganja po kući,
03:15
and we absolve them
of helping out around the house,
of helping out around the house,
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oslobađamo ih i od dovoljno sna,
03:18
and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep
of getting enough sleep
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sve dok odrađuju stvari s popisa.
03:21
as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.
the items on their checklist.
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03:26
And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy,
we say we just want them to be happy,
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U isplaniranom djetinjstvu
kažemo da samo želimo da budu sretni,
kažemo da samo želimo da budu sretni,
ali kad se vrate iz škole,
03:30
but when they come home from school,
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prvo za što ih pitamo obično su
03:32
what we ask about all too often first
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domaća zadaća i ocjene.
03:35
is their homework and their grades.
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I oni na našim licima vide
03:38
And they see in our faces
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da naše odobravanje, naša ljubav,
03:40
that our approval, that our love,
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da sama njihova vrijednost,
03:43
that their very worth,
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dolazi od petica.
03:45
comes from A's.
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03:46
And then we walk alongside them
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I onda ih pratimo u stopu
i glasno navijamo za njih
kao treneri s izložbe pasa u Westminsteru,
kao treneri s izložbe pasa u Westminsteru,
03:49
and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show --
at the Westminster Dog Show --
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03:54
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:55
coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther,
and soar a little farther,
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potičući ih da skoče još malo više
i vinu se još malo dalje,
i vinu se još malo dalje,
iz dana u dan.
04:00
day after day after day.
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04:03
And when they get to high school,
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I kada dođu do srednje škole,
ne pitaju se: "Što bih htio učiti
04:05
they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying
be interested in studying
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ili što bih volio raditi?"
04:08
or doing as an activity?"
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Idu savjetniku i pitaju:
04:09
They go to counselors and they say,
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"Što trebam napraviti
da upadnem na dobar fakultet?"
da upadnem na dobar fakultet?"
04:11
"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?"
to get into the right college?"
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04:15
And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school,
start to roll in in high school,
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A kada krenu ocjene u srednjoj školi
i kada dobiju pokoju četvorku,
04:18
and they're getting some B's,
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ili, ne daj Bože, trojku,
04:19
or God forbid some C's,
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panično šalju poruke prijateljima
04:22
they frantically text their friends
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i pitaju: "Je li itko s ovim ocjenama
ikada uspio upisati dobar fakultet?"
ikada uspio upisati dobar fakultet?"
04:24
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?"
into the right college with these grades?"
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04:29
And our kids,
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I naša su djeca,
gdje god završila nakon srednje škole,
04:31
regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school,
at the end of high school,
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potpuno bez daha.
04:35
they're breathless.
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04:37
They're brittle.
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Krhka su.
Pomalo su istrošena.
04:38
They're a little burned out.
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Pomalo su ostarjela prije vremena,
04:40
They're a little old before their time,
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želeći da su odrasli u njihovim životima
rekli: "Dovoljno ste napravili,
rekli: "Dovoljno ste napravili,
04:42
wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
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trud uložen u djetinjstvu je dovoljan."
04:46
this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough."
in childhood is enough."
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A sada venu pod visokim stopama
anksioznosti i depresije
anksioznosti i depresije
04:49
And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression
under high rates of anxiety and depression
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04:53
and some of them are wondering,
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te se neki od njih pitaju
04:55
will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it?
to have been worth it?
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hoće li život ikada
biti vrijedan svega toga?
biti vrijedan svega toga?
Pa, mi roditelji
05:01
Well, we parents,
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05:03
we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it.
it's all worth it.
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prilično smo sigurni u to.
Ponašamo se
05:06
We seem to behave --
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05:08
it's like we literally think
they will have no future
they will have no future
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kao da doslovno mislimo
kako nemaju budućnost
kako nemaju budućnost
ako ne upadnu na jedan
od šačice fakulteta i karijera
od šačice fakulteta i karijera
05:10
if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers
tiny set of colleges or careers
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koje smo za njih zacrtali.
05:15
we have in mind for them.
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05:17
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
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Ili se, možda, samo bojimo
da neće imati budućnost
kojom se možemo hvaliti
kojom se možemo hvaliti
05:21
they won't have a future we can brag about
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05:23
to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars.
on the backs of our cars.
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pred prijateljima i na naljepnicama
na pozadini automobila.
na pozadini automobila.
05:29
Yeah.
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Da.
(Pljesak)
05:30
(Applause)
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05:36
But if you look at what we've done,
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Ali, pogledate li što smo napravili,
ako imate hrabrosti da zbilja pogledate,
05:39
if you have the courage
to really look at it,
to really look at it,
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vidjet ćete da djeca ne samo da vjeruju
da njihova vrijednost proizlazi
da njihova vrijednost proizlazi
05:43
you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes
think their worth comes
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05:46
from grades and scores,
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iz ocjena i prosjeka,
05:47
but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds
their precious developing minds
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već i da naša stalna prisutnost
u njihovim dragocjenim umovima u razvoju,
u njihovim dragocjenim umovima u razvoju,
kao da smo u vlastitoj verziji filma
Biti John Malkovich,
Biti John Malkovich,
05:51
all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
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05:56
we send our children the message:
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našoj djeci šalje poruku:
"Slušaj, dijete, mislim da ti sve ovo
bez mene ne možeš postići."
bez mene ne možeš postići."
05:58
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me."
achieve any of this without me."
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06:03
And so with our overhelp,
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I tako pretjeranim pomaganjem
06:06
our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding,
and overdirection and hand-holding,
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i zaštitom, upravljanjem
i držanjem za ruku,
i držanjem za ruku,
ne dajemo djeci priliku
da izgrade samoučinkovitost,
da izgrade samoučinkovitost,
06:08
we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
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06:12
which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche,
of the human psyche,
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temeljno načelo ljudske psihe,
06:16
far more important
than that self-esteem they get
than that self-esteem they get
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neusporedivo važnije
od samopouzdanja koje dobiju
od samopouzdanja koje dobiju
svaki put kad im plješćemo.
06:19
every time we applaud.
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Samoučinkovitost gradimo shvaćanjem
da naša vlastita djela daju rezultate,
da naša vlastita djela daju rezultate,
06:21
Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
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a ne --
06:27
not --
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06:28
There you go.
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Eto.
06:29
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
06:33
Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf,
actions on one's behalf,
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Ne djela naših roditelja umjesto nas,
već naša vlastita djela daju rezultate.
06:37
but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes.
lead to outcomes.
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06:40
So simply put,
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Jednostavno rečeno,
želimo li da nam djeca razviju
samoučinkovitost, a moraju,
samoučinkovitost, a moraju,
06:41
if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must,
self-efficacy, and they must,
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morat će daleko više razmišljati,
planirati, odlučivati,
planirati, odlučivati,
06:47
then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
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djelovati, nadati se, izlaziti na kraj,
pokušavati i griješiti,
pokušavati i griješiti,
06:51
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
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06:55
dreaming and experiencing of life
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sanjati i proživljavati
samostalno.
06:58
for themselves.
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07:01
Now, am I saying
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Sada, govorim li
da je svako dijete marljivo i motivirano
07:03
every kid is hard-working and motivated
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i ne treba miješanje roditelja
i njihovih interesa u svojem životu,
i njihovih interesa u svojem životu,
07:06
and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives,
or interest in their lives,
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i da se samo trebamo povući i pustiti ih?
07:09
and we should just back off and let go?
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07:12
Hell no.
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Naravno da ne.
(Smijeh)
07:13
(Laughter)
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Ne govorim to.
07:14
That is not what I'm saying.
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07:16
What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards
grades and scores and accolades and awards
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Govorim da tretirajući ocjene,
prosjek, priznanja i nagrade
prosjek, priznanja i nagrade
07:19
as the purpose of childhood,
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kao svrhu djetinjstva,
sve kako bi bili što bliže
željenom upisu na šačicu fakulteta
željenom upisu na šačicu fakulteta
07:22
all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges
admission to a tiny number of colleges
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07:25
or entrance to a small number of careers,
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ili ulasku u mali krug karijera,
07:28
that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids.
of success for our kids.
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dolazimo do jako uske
definicije uspjeha za našu djecu.
definicije uspjeha za našu djecu.
I premda im možemo pomoći da ostvare
neke kratkoročne pobjede
neke kratkoročne pobjede
07:33
And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins
achieve some short-term wins
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07:36
by overhelping --
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pretjeranim pomaganjem,
07:38
like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework,
if we help them do their homework,
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poput boljih ocjena
pomognemo li im sa zadaćom,
pomognemo li im sa zadaćom,
07:42
they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help --
childhood résumé when we help --
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možda će im biografija djetinjstva
biti duža uz našu pomoć -
biti duža uz našu pomoć -
07:47
what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost
comes at a long-term cost
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želim reći da sve to dugoročno šteti
07:50
to their sense of self.
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njihovoj svijesti o sebi.
07:52
What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned
we should be less concerned
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Govorim da bismo se trebali manje brinuti
07:55
with the specific set of colleges
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oko posebne grupe fakulteta
07:56
they might be able
to apply to or might get into
to apply to or might get into
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na koje će se moći prijaviti
ili ih upisati,
ili ih upisati,
08:00
and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
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a daleko više o tome da imaju
navike, stav, vještine,
navike, stav, vještine,
08:05
the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go.
wherever they go.
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blagostanje kako bi svugdje bili uspješni.
Govorim da se zbog naše djece
08:10
What I'm saying is,
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08:11
our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores
less obsessed with grades and scores
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moramo manje opterećivati
ocjenama i prosjecima
ocjenama i prosjecima
i biti daleko zainteresiraniji
08:15
and a whole lot more interested
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08:18
in childhood providing
a foundation for their success
a foundation for their success
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za to da im djetinjstvo bude
osnova uspjeha
osnova uspjeha
građenog na stvarima poput ljubavi
08:23
built on things like love
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08:27
and chores.
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i kućanskih poslova.
08:28
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
(Pljesak)
08:30
(Applause)
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08:35
Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did.
Did I just say chores? I really did.
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Rekla sam kućanskih poslova?
Zbilja jesam.
Zbilja jesam.
08:39
But really, here's why.
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Ali evo zašto.
08:43
The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted
of humans ever conducted
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Najdulje provedeno
longitudinalno istraživanje ljudi
longitudinalno istraživanje ljudi
08:46
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
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zove se Harvard Grant Study.
08:49
It found that professional
success in life,
success in life,
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Pokazalo je da profesionalni uspjeh,
08:51
which is what we want for our kids,
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koji želimo za našu djecu,
08:54
that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
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proizlazi iz obavljanja
kućanskih poslova u djetinjstvu,
kućanskih poslova u djetinjstvu,
08:57
and the earlier you started, the better,
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i što prije počnete, to bolje,
08:59
that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset,
and-pitch-in mindset,
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da spremnost da
zasučemo rukave i pomognemo,
zasučemo rukave i pomognemo,
stav da i neugodan posao
mora biti obavljen,
mora biti obavljen,
09:02
a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work,
there's some unpleasant work,
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09:04
someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me,
it might as well be me,
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mogu ga obaviti i ja,
09:07
a mindset that says,
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stav koji kaže:
svojim ću djelima pomoći
poboljšanju cjeline,
poboljšanju cjeline,
09:08
I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole,
to the betterment of the whole,
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09:11
that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.
in the workplace.
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tako se napreduje na radnom mjestu.
09:14
Now, we all know this. You know this.
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Svi mi to znamo. Vi to znate.
(Pljesak)
09:17
(Applause)
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Svi to znamo, a ipak,
u isplaniranom djetinjstvu,
u isplaniranom djetinjstvu,
09:20
We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood,
in the checklisted childhood,
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09:23
we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house,
the work of chores around the house,
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djecu oslobađamo obavljanja
kućanskih poslova,
kućanskih poslova,
09:27
and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace
as young adults in the workplace
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a kada kao mladi ljudi počnu raditi,
09:30
still waiting for a checklist,
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još uvijek čekaju popis zadataka,
09:32
but it doesn't exist,
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ali on ne postoji,
09:33
and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct
lacking the impulse, the instinct
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a još važnije, nemaju poticaj ni instinkt
da zasuču rukave i pomognu
09:37
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
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09:39
and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
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i da se zapitaju:
"Kako mogu pomoći kolegama?
"Kako mogu pomoći kolegama?
Kako ću predvidjeti
što bi moj šef mogao zatrebati?"
što bi moj šef mogao zatrebati?"
09:43
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need?
to what my boss might need?
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09:48
A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study
from the Harvard Grant Study
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Drugo veliko otkriće Harvard Grant Studyja
09:52
said that happiness in life
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kaže da životna sreća
09:55
comes from love,
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proizlazi iz ljubavi,
09:57
not love of work,
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ne iz ljubavi prema poslu,
09:59
love of humans:
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već iz ljubavi prema ljudima:
10:02
our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family.
our friends, our family.
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supružniku, partneru,
prijateljima, obitelji.
prijateljima, obitelji.
10:06
So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love,
our kids how to love,
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Djetinjstvo našu djecu
mora naučiti voljeti,
mora naučiti voljeti,
10:10
and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves,
if they don't first love themselves,
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a ne mogu voljeti druge
ako prvo ne vole sebe,
ako prvo ne vole sebe,
a neće voljeti sebe
ne pružimo li im bezuvjetnu ljubav.
ne pružimo li im bezuvjetnu ljubav.
10:13
and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
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10:17
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
10:21
Right.
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Tako je.
Stoga,
10:24
And so,
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10:26
instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores
with grades and scores
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umjesto opsjednutosti
ocjenama i prosjekom,
ocjenama i prosjekom,
kad naši dragocjeni potomci dođu iz škole
10:28
when our precious offspring
come home from school,
come home from school,
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ili kad se vratimo s posla,
10:31
or we come home from work,
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10:32
we need to close our technology,
put away our phones,
put away our phones,
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moramo pogasiti ekrane, odložiti mobitele,
pogledati ih u oči
10:35
and look them in the eye
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10:36
and let them see
the joy that fills our faces
the joy that fills our faces
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i dati im da vide
kako nam radost obasjava lice
kako nam radost obasjava lice
10:40
when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours.
for the first time in a few hours.
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jer prvi puta nakon nekoliko sati
vidimo svoju djecu.
vidimo svoju djecu.
10:43
And then we have to say,
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1936
A onda trebamo reći:
10:45
"How was your day?
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"Kako ste proveli dan?
Što se lijepoga danas dogodilo?"
10:47
What did you like about today?"
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10:50
And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
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I kada vam kći tinejdžerica kaže:
"Užina", kao moja,
"Užina", kao moja,
10:54
and I want to hear about the math test,
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a mene zanima test iz matematike,
10:56
not lunch,
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a ne užina,
10:57
you have to still
take an interest in lunch.
take an interest in lunch.
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ipak vas mora zanimati užina.
11:01
You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?"
about lunch today?"
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Morate pitati: "Što je to danas bilo
super u vezi s užinom?"
super u vezi s užinom?"
11:04
They need to know
they matter to us as humans,
they matter to us as humans,
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Moraju znati da su nam važni kao osobe,
11:07
not because of their GPA.
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a ne zbog njihovog prosjeka.
11:11
All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love,
chores and love,
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U redu, sada mislite,
kućanski poslovi i ljubav,
kućanski poslovi i ljubav,
11:13
that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break.
but give me a break.
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sve to dobro zvuči, ali daj, pusti me.
11:16
The colleges want to see
top scores and grades
top scores and grades
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Fakulteti žele vidjeti
vrhunske rezultate i ocjene,
vrhunske rezultate i ocjene,
11:19
and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
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priznanja i nagrade,
a ja ću vam reći da to i nije baš tako.
a ja ću vam reći da to i nije baš tako.
11:25
The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults,
are asking that of our young adults,
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Najpoznatije razvikane škole
traže to od naših mladih,
traže to od naših mladih,
11:31
but here's the good news.
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ali evo dobre vijesti.
11:33
Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe --
rankings racket would have us believe --
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Suprotno onome u što nas
liste najboljih škola žele uvjeriti -
liste najboljih škola žele uvjeriti -
11:38
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ne trebate pohađati
neku od razvikanih škola,
neku od razvikanih škola,
11:44
you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools
of the biggest brand name schools
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kako biste u životu bili
sretni i uspješni.
sretni i uspješni.
11:46
to be happy and successful in life.
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11:48
Happy and successful people
went to state school,
went to state school,
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Sretni i uspješni ljudi
pohađali su državne škole,
pohađali su državne škole,
11:51
went to a small college
no one has heard of,
no one has heard of,
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male fakultete za koje nitko nije čuo,
11:53
went to community college,
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pučka učilišta,
11:55
went to a college over here
and flunked out.
and flunked out.
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pohađali neki fakultet
pa s njega izletjeli.
pa s njega izletjeli.
11:58
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
12:05
The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities,
is in our communities,
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U ovoj prostoriji i u našim zajednicama
dokaz je da je to istina.
12:08
that this is the truth.
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12:09
And if we could widen our blinders
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I kada bismo proširili vidike,
12:11
and be willing to look
at a few more colleges,
at a few more colleges,
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razmotrili još koji fakultet,
12:13
maybe remove our own egos
from the equation,
from the equation,
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možda uklonili svoj ego iz jednadžbe,
mogli bismo prihvatiti i prigrliti
tu istinu i shvatiti
tu istinu i shvatiti
12:17
we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize,
this truth and then realize,
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12:21
it is hardly the end of the world
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da zbilja nije kraj svijeta
12:23
if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools.
of those big brand-name schools.
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ako nam djeca ne pohađaju razvikane škole.
12:27
And more importantly,
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I što je još važnije,
12:29
if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist
according to a tyrannical checklist
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bez tiranski isplaniranog djetinjstva,
12:34
then when they get to college,
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kada upišu fakultet,
12:36
whichever one it is,
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koji god bio,
12:38
well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition,
on their own volition,
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odabrat će ga svojevoljno,
12:41
fueled by their own desire,
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vođeni vlastitom željom,
12:44
capable and ready to thrive there.
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sposobni i spremni da tamo uspiju.
12:49
I have to admit something to you.
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Moram vam nešto priznati.
12:51
I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery.
Sawyer and Avery.
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Imam dvoje djece, Sawyera i Avery.
12:54
They're teenagers.
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Tinejdžeri su.
12:56
And once upon a time,
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I nekad davno,
12:58
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
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mislim da sam ih tretirala
kao mala bonsai drvca.
13:01
like little bonsai trees --
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13:02
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
13:05
that I was going
to carefully clip and prune
to carefully clip and prune
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Samo ću ih pažljivo sjeckati, podrezivati
13:08
and shape into some perfect
form of a human
form of a human
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i oblikovati u neki savršen ljudski oblik
13:12
that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission
to warrant them admission
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koji bi mogao biti dovoljno savršen
da im osigura upis
da im osigura upis
13:15
to one of the most
highly selective colleges.
highly selective colleges.
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na jedan od najselektivnijih fakulteta.
13:19
But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids --
with thousands of other people's kids --
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Ali sam shvatila,
radeći s tisućama tuđe djece -
radeći s tisućama tuđe djece -
13:23
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
13:26
and raising two kids of my own,
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i odgajajući dvoje vlastite,
13:30
my kids aren't bonsai trees.
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da moja djeca nisu bonsai drvca,
13:33
They're wildflowers
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već divlje cvijeće
13:36
of an unknown genus and species --
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nepoznatog roda i vrste -
13:39
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
13:41
and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment,
a nourishing environment,
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i da je moj posao osigurati im
njegujuću okolinu,
njegujuću okolinu,
13:44
to strengthen them through chores
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osnažiti ih kućanskim poslovima
13:47
and to love them so they can
love others and receive love
love others and receive love
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i voljeti ih kako bi voljeli druge
i primali ljubav,
i primali ljubav,
13:51
and the college, the major, the career,
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a fakultet, smjer, karijera,
13:54
that's up to them.
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to je na njima.
13:56
My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become,
what I would have them become,
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Moj posao nije učiniti od njih
ono što ja želim,
ono što ja želim,
već podupirati ih pri postajanju
najboljih verzija sebe.
najboljih verzija sebe.
14:01
but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves.
in becoming their glorious selves.
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14:07
Thank you.
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Hvala.
(Pljesak)
14:08
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, authorJulie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com