ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - Writer
Mandy Len Catron explores love stories.

Why you should listen

Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.

More profile about the speaker
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxChapmanU

Mandy Len Catron: Falling in love is the easy part

Filmed:
3,963,490 views

Did you know you can fall in love with anyone just by asking them 36 questions? Mandy Len Catron tried this experiment, it worked, and she wrote a viral article about it (that your mom probably sent you). But ... is that real love? Did it last? And what's the difference between falling in love and staying in love?
- Writer
Mandy Len Catron explores love stories. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
I published this article
0
960
1456
00:14
in the New York Times Modern Love column
in January of this year.
1
2440
4376
00:18
"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
2
6840
2336
00:21
And the article
is about a psychological study
3
9200
2296
00:23
designed to create romantic love
in the laboratory,
4
11520
3416
00:26
and my own experience
trying the study myself
5
14960
2736
00:29
one night last summer.
6
17720
1856
00:31
So the procedure is fairly simple:
7
19600
2736
00:34
two strangers take turns asking each other
36 increasingly personal questions
8
22360
6856
00:41
and then they stare into each other's eyes
9
29240
2896
00:44
without speaking for four minutes.
10
32159
2561
00:47
So here are a couple of sample questions.
11
35360
3376
00:50
Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow
having gained any one quality or ability,
12
38760
5256
00:56
what would it be?
13
44040
1200
00:58
Number 28: When did you last cry
in front of another person?
14
46240
4696
01:02
By yourself?
15
50960
1216
01:04
As you can see, they really do
get more personal as they go along.
16
52200
4256
01:08
Number 30, I really like this one:
17
56480
2376
01:10
Tell your partner
what you like about them;
18
58880
2856
01:13
be very honest this time,
19
61760
1856
01:15
saying things you might not say
to someone you just met.
20
63640
4360
01:20
So when I first came across this study
a few years earlier,
21
68840
4536
01:25
one detail really stuck out to me,
22
73400
2096
01:27
and that was the rumor
that two of the participants
23
75520
3056
01:30
had gotten married six months later,
24
78600
2496
01:33
and they'd invited the entire lab
to the ceremony.
25
81120
4176
01:37
So I was of course very skeptical
26
85320
2856
01:40
about this process of just
manufacturing romantic love,
27
88200
3656
01:43
but of course I was intrigued.
28
91880
2856
01:46
And when I got the chance
to try this study myself,
29
94760
3416
01:50
with someone I knew
but not particularly well,
30
98200
3136
01:53
I wasn't expecting to fall in love.
31
101360
3136
01:56
But then we did, and --
32
104520
2696
01:59
(Laughter)
33
107240
1896
02:01
And I thought it made a good story,
so I sent it to the Modern Love column
34
109160
4376
02:05
a few months later.
35
113560
1816
02:07
Now, this was published in January,
36
115400
3720
02:11
and now it is August,
37
119880
1696
02:13
so I'm guessing that some of you
are probably wondering,
38
121600
3616
02:17
are we still together?
39
125240
2376
02:19
And the reason I think
you might be wondering this
40
127640
2375
02:22
is because I have been asked this question
41
130039
2657
02:24
again and again and again
for the past seven months.
42
132720
3936
02:28
And this question is really
what I want to talk about today.
43
136680
3696
02:32
But let's come back to it.
44
140400
1456
02:33
(Laughter)
45
141880
2976
02:36
So the week before the article came out,
46
144880
1976
02:38
I was very nervous.
47
146880
2696
02:41
I had been working
on a book about love stories
48
149600
2576
02:44
for the past few years,
49
152200
1816
02:46
so I had gotten used to writing
about my own experiences
50
154040
2816
02:48
with romantic love on my blog.
51
156880
3016
02:51
But a blog post might get
a couple hundred views at the most,
52
159920
4576
02:56
and those were usually
just my Facebook friends,
53
164520
3096
02:59
and I figured my article
in the New York Times
54
167640
2576
03:02
would probably get a few thousand views.
55
170240
2800
03:06
And that felt like a lot of attention
56
174080
2776
03:08
on a relatively new relationship.
57
176880
3176
03:12
But as it turned out, I had no idea.
58
180080
3280
03:16
So the article was published online
59
184240
1896
03:18
on a Friday evening,
60
186160
2056
03:20
and by Saturday, this had happened
to the traffic on my blog.
61
188240
6136
03:26
And by Sunday, both the Today Show
and Good Morning America had called.
62
194400
4880
03:32
Within a month, the article
would receive over 8 million views,
63
200720
4536
03:37
and I was, to say the least,
64
205280
2296
03:39
underprepared for this sort of attention.
65
207600
3896
03:43
It's one thing to work up
the confidence to write honestly
66
211520
2976
03:46
about your experiences with love,
67
214520
2096
03:48
but it is another thing to discover
68
216640
2456
03:51
that your love life
has made international news --
69
219120
2976
03:54
(Laughter)
70
222120
1216
03:55
and to realize
that people across the world
71
223360
3816
03:59
are genuinely invested
in the status of your new relationship.
72
227200
4976
04:04
(Laughter)
73
232200
2176
04:06
And when people called or emailed,
which they did every day for weeks,
74
234400
4816
04:11
they always asked the same question first:
75
239240
3336
04:14
are you guys still together?
76
242600
2656
04:17
In fact, as I was preparing this talk,
77
245280
2336
04:19
I did a quick search of my email inbox
78
247640
2256
04:21
for the phrase "Are you still together?"
79
249920
1936
04:23
and several messages
popped up immediately.
80
251880
2696
04:26
They were from students and journalists
81
254600
2655
04:29
and friendly strangers like this one.
82
257279
3017
04:32
I did radio interviews and they asked.
83
260320
2456
04:34
I even gave a talk, and one woman
shouted up to the stage,
84
262800
3936
04:38
"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"
85
266760
3336
04:42
And I promptly turned bright red.
86
270120
3296
04:45
I understand that this
is part of the deal.
87
273440
2816
04:48
If you write about your relationship
in an international newspaper,
88
276280
3536
04:51
you should expect people
to feel comfortable asking about it.
89
279840
3656
04:55
But I just wasn't prepared
for the scope of the response.
90
283520
4936
05:00
The 36 questions seem
to have taken on a life of their own.
91
288480
3856
05:04
In fact, the New York Times
published a follow-up article
92
292360
3416
05:07
for Valentine's Day,
93
295800
1216
05:09
which featured readers' experiences
of trying the study themselves,
94
297040
4496
05:13
with varying degrees of success.
95
301560
2280
05:16
So my first impulse
in the face of all of this attention
96
304960
4216
05:21
was to become very protective
of my own relationship.
97
309200
3440
05:25
I said no to every request
for the two of us
98
313920
3016
05:28
to do a media appearance together.
99
316960
2336
05:31
I turned down TV interviews,
100
319320
1696
05:33
and I said no to every request
for photos of the two us.
101
321040
4136
05:37
I think I was afraid that we would become
102
325200
2576
05:39
inadvertent icons
for the process of falling in love,
103
327800
4136
05:43
a position I did not at all
feel qualified for.
104
331960
3720
05:48
And I get it:
105
336760
2456
05:51
people didn't just want to know
if the study worked,
106
339240
2776
05:54
they wanted to know if it really worked:
107
342040
2936
05:57
that is, if it was capable
of producing love that would last,
108
345000
4696
06:01
not just a fling, but real love,
sustainable love.
109
349720
5376
06:07
But this was a question
I didn't feel capable of answering.
110
355120
4096
06:11
My own relationship
was only a few months old,
111
359240
2696
06:13
and I felt like people were asking
the wrong question in the first place.
112
361960
4760
06:20
What would knowing whether or not
we were still together really tell them?
113
368040
4136
06:24
If the answer was no,
114
372200
1656
06:25
would it make the experience
of doing these 36 questions
115
373880
3976
06:29
any less worthwhile?
116
377880
2200
06:32
Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote
about these questions
117
380800
2776
06:35
in this study here in 1997,
118
383600
4376
06:40
and here, the researcher's goal
was not to produce romantic love.
119
388000
4736
06:44
Instead, they wanted to foster
120
392760
1936
06:46
interpersonal closeness
among college students,
121
394720
3456
06:50
by using what Aron called
122
398200
2736
06:52
"sustained, escalating, reciprocal,
personalistic self-disclosure."
123
400960
4896
06:57
Sounds romantic, doesn't it?
124
405880
2480
07:01
But the study did work.
125
409600
1656
07:03
The participants
did feel closer after doing it,
126
411280
3056
07:06
and several subsequent studies have also
used Aron's fast friends protocol
127
414360
5296
07:11
as a way to quickly create
trust and intimacy between strangers.
128
419680
4136
07:15
They've used it between members
of the police and members of community,
129
423840
3429
07:19
and they've used it between people
of opposing political ideologies.
130
427293
3560
07:23
The original version of the story,
131
431800
1776
07:25
the one that I tried last summer,
132
433600
2496
07:28
that pairs the personal questions
with four minutes of eye contact,
133
436120
4216
07:32
was referenced in this article,
134
440360
2096
07:34
but unfortunately it was never published.
135
442480
2600
07:38
So a few months ago, I was giving a talk
136
446640
3016
07:41
at a small liberal arts college,
137
449680
2296
07:44
and a student came up to me afterwards
138
452000
2696
07:46
and he said, kind of shyly,
139
454720
1920
07:49
"So, I tried your study,
and it didn't work."
140
457360
5016
07:54
He seemed a little mystified by this.
141
462400
3256
07:57
"You mean, you didn't fall in love
with the person you did it with?" I asked.
142
465680
4776
08:02
"Well..." He paused.
143
470480
2416
08:04
"I think she just wants to be friends."
144
472920
2480
08:09
"But did you become
better friends?" I asked.
145
477480
3736
08:13
"Did you feel like you got to really
know each other after doing the study?"
146
481240
3656
08:16
He nodded.
147
484920
1296
08:18
"So, then it worked," I said.
148
486240
2936
08:21
I don't think this is the answer
he was looking for.
149
489200
4216
08:25
In fact, I don't think this is the answer
that any of us are looking for
150
493440
4336
08:29
when it comes to love.
151
497800
2256
08:32
I first came across this study
152
500080
1736
08:33
when I was 29
153
501840
1456
08:35
and I was going through
a really difficult breakup.
154
503320
3416
08:38
I had been in the relationship
since I was 20,
155
506760
2616
08:41
which was basically my entire adult life,
156
509400
2776
08:44
and he was my first real love,
157
512200
2096
08:46
and I had no idea how or if
I could make a life without him.
158
514320
5096
08:51
So I turned to science.
159
519440
2376
08:53
I researched everything I could find
about the science of romantic love,
160
521840
4576
08:58
and I think I was hoping that it might
somehow inoculate me from heartache.
161
526440
5096
09:03
I don't know if I realized
this at the time --
162
531560
2640
09:07
I thought I was just doing research
for this book I was writing --
163
535120
3296
09:10
but it seems really obvious in retrospect.
164
538440
3416
09:13
I hoped that if I armed myself
with the knowledge of romantic love,
165
541880
4416
09:18
I might never have to feel
as terrible and lonely as I did then.
166
546320
4640
09:24
And all this knowledge
has been useful in some ways.
167
552320
4296
09:28
I am more patient with love.
I am more relaxed.
168
556640
3296
09:31
I am more confident
about asking for what I want.
169
559960
3576
09:35
But I can also see myself more clearly,
170
563560
3736
09:39
and I can see that what I want
is sometimes more
171
567320
4256
09:43
than can reasonably be asked for.
172
571600
3056
09:46
What I want from love is a guarantee,
173
574680
3456
09:50
not just that I am loved today
174
578160
2216
09:52
and that I will be loved tomorrow,
175
580400
2416
09:54
but that I will continue to be loved
by the person I love indefinitely.
176
582840
5200
10:01
Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee
177
589240
3496
10:04
that people were really asking about
178
592760
1976
10:06
when they wanted to know
if we were still together.
179
594760
2720
10:10
So the story that the media told
about the 36 questions
180
598800
3936
10:14
was that there might be
a shortcut to falling in love.
181
602760
3296
10:18
There might be a way to somehow
mitigate some of the risk involved,
182
606080
3736
10:21
and this is a very appealing story,
183
609840
2616
10:24
because falling in love feels amazing,
184
612480
3176
10:27
but it's also terrifying.
185
615680
2736
10:30
The moment you admit to loving someone,
186
618440
2576
10:33
you admit to having a lot to lose,
187
621040
2640
10:36
and it's true that these questions
do provide a mechanism
188
624640
4216
10:40
for getting to know someone quickly,
189
628880
2296
10:43
which is also a mechanism for being known,
190
631200
2536
10:45
and I think this is the thing
that most of us really want from love:
191
633760
4456
10:50
to be known, to be seen, to be understood.
192
638240
4080
10:55
But I think when it comes to love,
193
643200
1936
10:57
we are too willing to accept
the short version of the story.
194
645160
4496
11:01
The version of the story that asks,
"Are you still together?"
195
649680
3576
11:05
and is content with a yes or no answer.
196
653280
3120
11:09
So rather than that question,
197
657560
1936
11:11
I would propose we ask
some more difficult questions,
198
659520
3656
11:15
questions like:
199
663200
1200
11:17
How do you decide who deserves your love
200
665080
3016
11:20
and who does not?
201
668120
1240
11:22
How do you stay in love
when things get difficult,
202
670840
3256
11:26
and how do you know
when to just cut and run?
203
674120
2520
11:29
How do you live with the doubt
204
677880
1896
11:31
that inevitably creeps
into every relationship,
205
679800
3016
11:34
or even harder,
206
682840
1616
11:36
how do you live with your partner's doubt?
207
684480
2360
11:39
I don't necessarily know
the answers to these questions,
208
687800
3616
11:43
but I think they're an important start
at having a more thoughtful conversation
209
691440
5136
11:48
about what it means to love someone.
210
696600
2160
11:52
So, if you want it,
211
700080
2336
11:54
the short version of the story
of my relationship is this:
212
702440
4296
11:58
a year ago, an acquaintance
and I did a study
213
706760
3096
12:01
designed to create romantic love,
214
709880
2696
12:04
and we fell in love,
215
712600
1696
12:06
and we are still together,
216
714320
1856
12:08
and I am so glad.
217
716200
2160
12:11
But falling in love is not
the same thing as staying in love.
218
719040
4760
12:16
Falling in love is the easy part.
219
724440
2400
12:20
So at the end of my article, I wrote,
"Love didn't happen to us.
220
728360
4376
12:24
We're in love because we each
made the choice to be."
221
732760
3296
12:28
And I cringe a little
when I read that now,
222
736080
4176
12:32
not because it isn't true,
223
740280
2296
12:34
but because at the time,
I really hadn't considered
224
742600
3216
12:37
everything that was contained
in that choice.
225
745840
3616
12:41
I didn't consider how many times
we would each have to make that choice,
226
749480
5216
12:46
and how many times I will continue
to have to make that choice
227
754720
3576
12:50
without knowing whether or not
he will always choose me.
228
758320
3816
12:54
I want it to be enough to have asked
and answered 36 questions,
229
762160
5496
12:59
and to have chosen to love someone
so generous and kind and fun
230
767680
5216
13:04
and to have broadcast that choice
in the biggest newspaper in America.
231
772920
5000
13:10
But what I have done instead
is turn my relationship
232
778880
3096
13:14
into the kind of myth
I don't quite believe in.
233
782000
4176
13:18
And what I want, what perhaps
I will spend my life wanting,
234
786200
4256
13:22
is for that myth to be true.
235
790480
2696
13:25
I want the happy ending
implied by the title to my article,
236
793200
4776
13:30
which is, incidentally,
237
798000
1496
13:31
the only part of the article
that I didn't actually write.
238
799520
3656
13:35
(Laughter)
239
803200
3296
13:38
But what I have instead is the chance
to make the choice to love someone,
240
806520
4696
13:43
and the hope that he will choose
to love me back,
241
811240
3456
13:46
and it is terrifying,
242
814720
2696
13:49
but that's the deal with love.
243
817440
1736
13:51
Thank you.
244
819200
1240

▲Back to top

ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - Writer
Mandy Len Catron explores love stories.

Why you should listen

Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.

More profile about the speaker
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com