TEDxChapmanU
Mandy Len Catron: Falling in love is the easy part
Mandy Len Catron: Lako je zaljubiti se
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Jeste li znali da se možete zaljubiti u bilo koga tako da im jednostavno postavite 36 pitanja? Mandy Len Catron isprobala je ovaj eksperiment; uspio je i napisala je članak o tome koji se vrlo brzo proširio internetom (tvoja mama ti je sigurno poslala link na njega) No... je li to prava ljubav? Je li potrajala? I koja je razlika između zaljubljivanja i ljubavi?
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I published this article
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Objavila sam članak
00:14
in the New York Times Modern Love column
in January of this year.
in January of this year.
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u kolumni o modernoj ljubavi NY Timesa
u siječnju ove godine.
u siječnju ove godine.
00:18
"To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This."
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"Da se zaljubite
u bilo koga, učinite ovo."
u bilo koga, učinite ovo."
00:21
And the article
is about a psychological study
is about a psychological study
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U članku se radi
o psihološkom eksperimentu
o psihološkom eksperimentu
00:23
designed to create romantic love
in the laboratory,
in the laboratory,
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osmišljenom radi stvaranja
romantične ljubavi u laboratoriju
romantične ljubavi u laboratoriju
00:26
and my own experience
trying the study myself
trying the study myself
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i o vlastitom iskustvu u kojem
sam pokušala ispitati sebe
sam pokušala ispitati sebe
00:29
one night last summer.
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jedne večeri tijekom prošlog ljeta.
00:31
So the procedure is fairly simple:
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Postupak je dosta jednostavan:
00:34
two strangers take turns asking each other
36 increasingly personal questions
36 increasingly personal questions
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dva stranca naizmjence si postavljaju
36 pitanja koja postaju sve osobnija,
36 pitanja koja postaju sve osobnija,
00:41
and then they stare into each other's eyes
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a zatim gledaju jedno drugome u oči
00:44
without speaking for four minutes.
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četiri minute - u tišini.
00:47
So here are a couple of sample questions.
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Ovo su neka od pitanja.
00:50
Number 12: If you could wake up tomorrow
having gained any one quality or ability,
having gained any one quality or ability,
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Pitanje br.12: Da se sutra možeš probuditi
s jednom novom kvalitetom ili sposobnosti,
s jednom novom kvalitetom ili sposobnosti,
00:56
what would it be?
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što bi izabrao/la?
00:58
Number 28: When did you last cry
in front of another person?
in front of another person?
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Pitanje br. 28: Kad si zadnji put
plakao/la pred drugom osobom?
plakao/la pred drugom osobom?
01:02
By yourself?
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Ili sam/a?
01:04
As you can see, they really do
get more personal as they go along.
get more personal as they go along.
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Kao što možete vidjeti, što dalje idemo,
pitanja zaista postaju sve osobnija.
pitanja zaista postaju sve osobnija.
01:08
Number 30, I really like this one:
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Pitanje br. 30, ovo mi je baš super:
01:10
Tell your partner
what you like about them;
what you like about them;
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Recite svom partneru
što volite na njemu;
što volite na njemu;
01:13
be very honest this time,
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budite krajnje iskreni ovaj put,
01:15
saying things you might not say
to someone you just met.
to someone you just met.
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recite nešto što možda ne biste rekli
nekome koga ste tek upoznali.
nekome koga ste tek upoznali.
01:20
So when I first came across this study
a few years earlier,
a few years earlier,
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Kad sam prije nekoliko godina
prvi put naišla na ovaj eskperiment,
prvi put naišla na ovaj eskperiment,
01:25
one detail really stuck out to me,
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jedan mi je detalj privukao pozornost --
01:27
and that was the rumor
that two of the participants
that two of the participants
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glasina da se dvoje sudionika
u eksperimentu
u eksperimentu
01:30
had gotten married six months later,
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vjenčalo šest mjeseci kasnije
01:33
and they'd invited the entire lab
to the ceremony.
to the ceremony.
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i da su pozvali
cijeli laboratorij na svadbu.
cijeli laboratorij na svadbu.
01:37
So I was of course very skeptical
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Naravno, bila sam jako skeptična
01:40
about this process of just
manufacturing romantic love,
manufacturing romantic love,
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po pitanju procesa stvaranja
romantične ljubavi,
romantične ljubavi,
01:43
but of course I was intrigued.
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ali me, naravno, i zaintrigirao.
01:46
And when I got the chance
to try this study myself,
to try this study myself,
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Kad sam dobila priliku
i sama isprobati taj eksperiment
i sama isprobati taj eksperiment
01:50
with someone I knew
but not particularly well,
but not particularly well,
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s nekim koga nisam
pretjerano dobro poznavala,
pretjerano dobro poznavala,
01:53
I wasn't expecting to fall in love.
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nisam očekivala da ću se zaljubiti,
01:56
But then we did, and --
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ali zaljubili smo se i --
01:59
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:01
And I thought it made a good story,
so I sent it to the Modern Love column
so I sent it to the Modern Love column
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-- i to mi se učinilo kao dobra priča, pa
sam je poslala u kolumnu moderne ljubavi
sam je poslala u kolumnu moderne ljubavi
02:05
a few months later.
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nekoliko mjeseci kasnije.
02:07
Now, this was published in January,
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Članak je objavljen u siječnju,
02:11
and now it is August,
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a sada je kolovoz,
02:13
so I'm guessing that some of you
are probably wondering,
are probably wondering,
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pa se neki od vas vjerojatno pitaju
02:17
are we still together?
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jesmo li još uvijek zajedno.
02:19
And the reason I think
you might be wondering this
you might be wondering this
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A to se vjerojatno pitate
02:22
is because I have been asked this question
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zato što mi ovo pitanje
02:24
again and again and again
for the past seven months.
for the past seven months.
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neprestano ponavljaju
tijekom zadnjih sedam mjeseci.
tijekom zadnjih sedam mjeseci.
02:28
And this question is really
what I want to talk about today.
what I want to talk about today.
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To je pitanje ono o čemu
danas želim govoriti.
danas želim govoriti.
02:32
But let's come back to it.
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No, vratit ćemo se na njega.
02:33
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:36
So the week before the article came out,
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Tjedan dana prije objave članka
02:38
I was very nervous.
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bila sam jako nervozna.
02:41
I had been working
on a book about love stories
on a book about love stories
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Radim na knjizi ljubavnih priča
02:44
for the past few years,
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zadnjih nekoliko godina,
02:46
so I had gotten used to writing
about my own experiences
about my own experiences
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pa sam se naviknula pisati
o vlastitim iskustvima
o vlastitim iskustvima
02:48
with romantic love on my blog.
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s romantičnom ljubavi na blogu.
02:51
But a blog post might get
a couple hundred views at the most,
a couple hundred views at the most,
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No, tekst na blogu može vidjeti
najviše par stotina ljudi,
najviše par stotina ljudi,
02:56
and those were usually
just my Facebook friends,
just my Facebook friends,
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i to su uglavnom
moji prijatelji s Facebooka,
moji prijatelji s Facebooka,
02:59
and I figured my article
in the New York Times
in the New York Times
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a pretpostavila sam da će moj članak
u New York Timesu
u New York Timesu
03:02
would probably get a few thousand views.
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vidjeti nekoliko tisuća ljudi.
03:06
And that felt like a lot of attention
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To mi se činilo kao prevelika pozornost
03:08
on a relatively new relationship.
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za jednu relativno svježu vezu,
03:12
But as it turned out, I had no idea.
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no ispostavilo se
da nisam imala pojma koliko.
da nisam imala pojma koliko.
03:16
So the article was published online
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Članak je objavljen na internetu
03:18
on a Friday evening,
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u petak navečer,
03:20
and by Saturday, this had happened
to the traffic on my blog.
to the traffic on my blog.
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a do subote ovo se dogodilo
posjećenosti mog bloga.
posjećenosti mog bloga.
03:26
And by Sunday, both the Today Show
and Good Morning America had called.
and Good Morning America had called.
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Do nedjelje su me zvali i Today Show
i Good Morning, America.
i Good Morning, America.
03:32
Within a month, the article
would receive over 8 million views,
would receive over 8 million views,
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Tijekom mjesec dana
članak je pregledan preko 8 milijuna puta,
članak je pregledan preko 8 milijuna puta,
03:37
and I was, to say the least,
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a ja sam bila, najblaže rečeno,
03:39
underprepared for this sort of attention.
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nedovoljno pripremljena
za toliku pozornost.
za toliku pozornost.
03:43
It's one thing to work up
the confidence to write honestly
the confidence to write honestly
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Jedna je stvar skupiti hrabrosti
da iskreno pišeš
da iskreno pišeš
03:46
about your experiences with love,
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o svojim ljubavnim iskustvima,
03:48
but it is another thing to discover
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ali sasvim je druga stvar otkriti
03:51
that your love life
has made international news --
has made international news --
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da je tvoj ljubavni život
postao svjetska vijest --
postao svjetska vijest --
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:55
and to realize
that people across the world
that people across the world
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i shvatiti da ljude diljem svijeta
03:59
are genuinely invested
in the status of your new relationship.
in the status of your new relationship.
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uistinu zanima u kakvom je stanju
vaša nova veza.
vaša nova veza.
04:04
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
04:06
And when people called or emailed,
which they did every day for weeks,
which they did every day for weeks,
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Kad sam primala pozive i mejlove,
što se događalo svakodnevno, tjednima,
što se događalo svakodnevno, tjednima,
04:11
they always asked the same question first:
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svi su imali isto prvo pitanje:
04:14
are you guys still together?
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jeste li još uvijek zajedno?
04:17
In fact, as I was preparing this talk,
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Zapravo, dok sam pripremala ovaj govor,
04:19
I did a quick search of my email inbox
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brzinski sam pretražila
ulaznu poštu u potrazi
ulaznu poštu u potrazi
04:21
for the phrase "Are you still together?"
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za frazom: "Jeste li još uvijek zajedno?"
04:23
and several messages
popped up immediately.
popped up immediately.
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i odmah mi je iskočilo nekoliko poruka.
04:26
They were from students and journalists
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Poruke su bile od studenata i novinara
04:29
and friendly strangers like this one.
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i ljubaznih stranaca poput ovoga.
04:32
I did radio interviews and they asked.
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I na intervjuu za radio
postavili su mi to pitanje.
postavili su mi to pitanje.
04:34
I even gave a talk, and one woman
shouted up to the stage,
shouted up to the stage,
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Čak sam držala i jedan govor,
a žena iz publike mi je doviknula:
a žena iz publike mi je doviknula:
04:38
"Hey Mandy, where's your boyfriend?"
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"Hej, Mandy, gdje ti je dečko?"
04:42
And I promptly turned bright red.
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Pocrvenjela sam iste sekunde.
04:45
I understand that this
is part of the deal.
is part of the deal.
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Znam da sam se na to obvezala.
04:48
If you write about your relationship
in an international newspaper,
in an international newspaper,
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Ako pišeš o svojoj vezi
u svjetskim novinama,
u svjetskim novinama,
04:51
you should expect people
to feel comfortable asking about it.
to feel comfortable asking about it.
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moraš očekivati da će te
ljudi pitati o njoj bez zadrške.
ljudi pitati o njoj bez zadrške.
04:55
But I just wasn't prepared
for the scope of the response.
for the scope of the response.
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No, nisam bila spremna na opseg odgovora.
05:00
The 36 questions seem
to have taken on a life of their own.
to have taken on a life of their own.
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Tih 36 pitanja počelo je
voditi vlastiti život.
voditi vlastiti život.
05:04
In fact, the New York Times
published a follow-up article
published a follow-up article
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Štoviše, New York Times
objavio je sljedeći članak
objavio je sljedeći članak
05:07
for Valentine's Day,
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uoči Valentinova
05:09
which featured readers' experiences
of trying the study themselves,
of trying the study themselves,
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koji se bavio iskustvima čitatelja
koji su se i sami okušali u eksperimentu
koji su se i sami okušali u eksperimentu
05:13
with varying degrees of success.
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i koji su polučili
različite stupnjeve uspjeha.
različite stupnjeve uspjeha.
05:16
So my first impulse
in the face of all of this attention
in the face of all of this attention
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Moja prva reakcija na svu tu pozornost
05:21
was to become very protective
of my own relationship.
of my own relationship.
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bila je postati izrazito zaštitnički
nastrojena prema vlastitoj vezi.
nastrojena prema vlastitoj vezi.
05:25
I said no to every request
for the two of us
for the two of us
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Odbila sam svaki poziv
05:28
to do a media appearance together.
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za naše zajedničko
pojavljivanje u medijima.
pojavljivanje u medijima.
05:31
I turned down TV interviews,
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Odbijala sam TV-intervjue,
05:33
and I said no to every request
for photos of the two us.
for photos of the two us.
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molbe za našim zajedničkim slikama.
05:37
I think I was afraid that we would become
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Mislim da sam se bojala da ćemo postati
05:39
inadvertent icons
for the process of falling in love,
for the process of falling in love,
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slučajne ikone procesa zaljubljivanja,
05:43
a position I did not at all
feel qualified for.
feel qualified for.
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a to je položaj kojem se nisam smatrala
doraslom.
doraslom.
05:48
And I get it:
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Razumijem to:
05:51
people didn't just want to know
if the study worked,
if the study worked,
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ljudi nisu samo htjeli znati
funkcionira li eksperiment,
funkcionira li eksperiment,
05:54
they wanted to know if it really worked:
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htjeli su znati funkcionira li on zaista,
05:57
that is, if it was capable
of producing love that would last,
of producing love that would last,
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tj. može li stvoriti ljubav
koja će trajati,
koja će trajati,
06:01
not just a fling, but real love,
sustainable love.
sustainable love.
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ne nešto prolazno, već
pravu, održivu ljubav.
pravu, održivu ljubav.
06:07
But this was a question
I didn't feel capable of answering.
I didn't feel capable of answering.
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Nisam se osjećala sposobnom
odgovarati na to pitanje.
odgovarati na to pitanje.
06:11
My own relationship
was only a few months old,
was only a few months old,
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Moja je veza trajala tek nekoliko mjeseci,
06:13
and I felt like people were asking
the wrong question in the first place.
the wrong question in the first place.
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a imala sam osjećaj da ljudi
zapravo postavljaju krivo pitanje.
zapravo postavljaju krivo pitanje.
06:20
What would knowing whether or not
we were still together really tell them?
we were still together really tell them?
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Što bi im rekla činjenica
jesmo li još uvijek zajedno ili ne?
jesmo li još uvijek zajedno ili ne?
06:24
If the answer was no,
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Ako je odgovor ne,
06:25
would it make the experience
of doing these 36 questions
of doing these 36 questions
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znači li to da je iskustvo
prolaženja kroz tih 36 pitanja
prolaženja kroz tih 36 pitanja
06:29
any less worthwhile?
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išta manje vrijedno truda?
06:32
Dr. Arthur Aron first wrote
about these questions
about these questions
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Dr. Arthur Aron prvi je pisao
o tim pitanjima
o tim pitanjima
06:35
in this study here in 1997,
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u ovoj studiji 1997. godine,
06:40
and here, the researcher's goal
was not to produce romantic love.
was not to produce romantic love.
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a ovdje cilj istraživača nije bio
stvoriti romantičnu ljubav,
stvoriti romantičnu ljubav,
06:44
Instead, they wanted to foster
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već su htjeli poticati na
06:46
interpersonal closeness
among college students,
among college students,
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međusobnu bliskost među studentima
06:50
by using what Aron called
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koristeći nešto što je Aron zvao
06:52
"sustained, escalating, reciprocal,
personalistic self-disclosure."
personalistic self-disclosure."
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"održivo, rastuće, recipročno,
personalizirano samootkrivanje."
personalizirano samootkrivanje."
06:57
Sounds romantic, doesn't it?
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Zvuči romantično, zar ne?
07:01
But the study did work.
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Ali eksperiment je djelovao.
07:03
The participants
did feel closer after doing it,
did feel closer after doing it,
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Sudionici su nakon njega
osjećali veću bliskost i kasnije je
osjećali veću bliskost i kasnije je
07:06
and several subsequent studies have also
used Aron's fast friends protocol
used Aron's fast friends protocol
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nekoliko eksperimenata koristilo
njegov protokol brzinskog sprijateljavanja
njegov protokol brzinskog sprijateljavanja
07:11
as a way to quickly create
trust and intimacy between strangers.
trust and intimacy between strangers.
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radi brzinskog stvaranja povjerenja
i intimnosti između stranaca.
i intimnosti između stranaca.
07:15
They've used it between members
of the police and members of community,
of the police and members of community,
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Koristili su ga među članovima policije
i članovima zajednice,
i članovima zajednice,
07:19
and they've used it between people
of opposing political ideologies.
of opposing political ideologies.
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čak i između ljudi oprečnih
političkih ideologija.
političkih ideologija.
07:23
The original version of the story,
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Originalna verzija priče,
07:25
the one that I tried last summer,
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ona koju sam probala prošlog ljeta,
07:28
that pairs the personal questions
with four minutes of eye contact,
with four minutes of eye contact,
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koja kombinira osobna pitanja
s četverominutnim kontaktom očima
s četverominutnim kontaktom očima
07:32
was referenced in this article,
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spomenuta je u ovom članku,
07:34
but unfortunately it was never published.
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no nažalost, nikad nije objavljena.
07:38
So a few months ago, I was giving a talk
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Prije nekoliko mjeseci držala sam govor
07:41
at a small liberal arts college,
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na malenom fakultetu
humanističkih znanosti
humanističkih znanosti
07:44
and a student came up to me afterwards
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i kasnije mi je prišao student
07:46
and he said, kind of shyly,
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i pomalo sramežljivo rekao:
07:49
"So, I tried your study,
and it didn't work."
and it didn't work."
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"Isprobao sam vaš eksperiment,
ali nije djelovao."
ali nije djelovao."
07:54
He seemed a little mystified by this.
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Djelovao je kao da ga je to malo zbunilo.
07:57
"You mean, you didn't fall in love
with the person you did it with?" I asked.
with the person you did it with?" I asked.
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"Misliš, nisi se zaljubio u osobu
s kojom si ga isprobao?" upitah.
s kojom si ga isprobao?" upitah.
08:02
"Well..." He paused.
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"Pa..." zastao je.
08:04
"I think she just wants to be friends."
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"Mislim da želi
da budemo samo prijatelji."
da budemo samo prijatelji."
08:09
"But did you become
better friends?" I asked.
better friends?" I asked.
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"Ali jeste li postali
bolji prijatelji?" upitah.
bolji prijatelji?" upitah.
08:13
"Did you feel like you got to really
know each other after doing the study?"
know each other after doing the study?"
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"Misliš li da ste se zbilja upoznali
nakon što ste isprobali eksperiment?"
nakon što ste isprobali eksperiment?"
08:16
He nodded.
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Kimao je glavom.
08:18
"So, then it worked," I said.
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"Onda je djelovalo", rekoh.
08:21
I don't think this is the answer
he was looking for.
he was looking for.
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Mislim da se nije nadao takvom odgovoru.
08:25
In fact, I don't think this is the answer
that any of us are looking for
that any of us are looking for
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Zapravo, mislim da to nije odgovor
kojemu se itko od nas nada
kojemu se itko od nas nada
08:29
when it comes to love.
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kada govorimo o ljubavi.
08:32
I first came across this study
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Na taj sam eksperiment prvi put
08:33
when I was 29
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naišla kada mi je bilo 29 godina
08:35
and I was going through
a really difficult breakup.
a really difficult breakup.
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dok sam pokušavala
preboljeti težak prekid.
preboljeti težak prekid.
08:38
I had been in the relationship
since I was 20,
since I was 20,
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Bila sam u toj vezi od 20. godine,
08:41
which was basically my entire adult life,
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a to je bio gotovo cijeli moj
odrasli dio života,
odrasli dio života,
08:44
and he was my first real love,
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i bio je moja prva prava ljubav
08:46
and I had no idea how or if
I could make a life without him.
I could make a life without him.
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i nisam imala pojma kako ću ili hoću li
uopće moći nastaviti živjeti bez njega,
uopće moći nastaviti živjeti bez njega,
08:51
So I turned to science.
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pa sam se okrenula znanosti.
08:53
I researched everything I could find
about the science of romantic love,
about the science of romantic love,
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Istražila sam sve što sam uspjela pronaći
o znanosti romantične ljubavi
o znanosti romantične ljubavi
08:58
and I think I was hoping that it might
somehow inoculate me from heartache.
somehow inoculate me from heartache.
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i mislim da sam se nadala da će me to
izliječiti od slomljenog srca.
izliječiti od slomljenog srca.
09:03
I don't know if I realized
this at the time --
this at the time --
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Ne znam jesam li to tada shvaćala --
09:07
I thought I was just doing research
for this book I was writing --
for this book I was writing --
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mislila sam da sam samo istraživala
za knjigu na kojoj sam radila --
za knjigu na kojoj sam radila --
09:10
but it seems really obvious in retrospect.
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ali s vremenske distance
čini se zaista očito.
čini se zaista očito.
09:13
I hoped that if I armed myself
with the knowledge of romantic love,
with the knowledge of romantic love,
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Nadala sam se da, ako se naoružam
znanjem o romantičnoj ljubavi,
znanjem o romantičnoj ljubavi,
09:18
I might never have to feel
as terrible and lonely as I did then.
as terrible and lonely as I did then.
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nikad se više neću morati osjećati
tako užasno i usamljeno kao tada.
tako užasno i usamljeno kao tada.
09:24
And all this knowledge
has been useful in some ways.
has been useful in some ways.
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Sve je to znanje u neku ruku
i bilo korisno.
i bilo korisno.
09:28
I am more patient with love.
I am more relaxed.
I am more relaxed.
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Sada sam strpljivija s ljubavi.
Sada sam opuštenija.
Sada sam opuštenija.
09:31
I am more confident
about asking for what I want.
about asking for what I want.
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Sada imam više hrabrosti
tražiti ono što želim,
tražiti ono što želim,
09:35
But I can also see myself more clearly,
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ali i vidim se jasnije
09:39
and I can see that what I want
is sometimes more
is sometimes more
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i vidim da je ono što
ja želim ponekad više
ja želim ponekad više
09:43
than can reasonably be asked for.
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nego što je razumno tražiti.
09:46
What I want from love is a guarantee,
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Ja od ljubavi želim jamstvo,
09:50
not just that I am loved today
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ne želim samo biti voljena danas
09:52
and that I will be loved tomorrow,
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i voljena sutra,
09:54
but that I will continue to be loved
by the person I love indefinitely.
by the person I love indefinitely.
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već da će me ta osoba voljeti
do beskonačnosti.
do beskonačnosti.
10:01
Maybe it's this possibility of a guarantee
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Možda je ova mogućnost jamstva
10:04
that people were really asking about
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zapravo zanimala ljude
10:06
when they wanted to know
if we were still together.
if we were still together.
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kad su pitali jesmo li još uvijek zajedno.
10:10
So the story that the media told
about the 36 questions
about the 36 questions
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Priča koju su mediji ispričali
o 36 pitanja
o 36 pitanja
10:14
was that there might be
a shortcut to falling in love.
a shortcut to falling in love.
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temeljila se na tome
da postoji prečac do zaljubljivanja,
da postoji prečac do zaljubljivanja,
10:18
There might be a way to somehow
mitigate some of the risk involved,
mitigate some of the risk involved,
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da postoji način
da ublažimo neke od rizika,
da ublažimo neke od rizika,
10:21
and this is a very appealing story,
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a to je jako primamljiva priča
10:24
because falling in love feels amazing,
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jer je zaljubljivanje čarobno,
10:27
but it's also terrifying.
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ali i zastrašujuće.
10:30
The moment you admit to loving someone,
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Kada priznate da nekoga volite,
10:33
you admit to having a lot to lose,
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priznajete da imate puno toga za izgubiti,
10:36
and it's true that these questions
do provide a mechanism
do provide a mechanism
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a istina je da ova pitanja
pružaju određeni mehanizam
pružaju određeni mehanizam
10:40
for getting to know someone quickly,
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za upoznavanje nekoga na brzinu,
10:43
which is also a mechanism for being known,
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što je također mehanizam za poznavanje,
10:45
and I think this is the thing
that most of us really want from love:
that most of us really want from love:
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a mislim da je to ono što većina nas
traži od ljubavi:
traži od ljubavi:
10:50
to be known, to be seen, to be understood.
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da nas netko poznaje,
da nas vidi, da nas razumije.
da nas vidi, da nas razumije.
10:55
But I think when it comes to love,
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Kad se radi o ljubavi,
10:57
we are too willing to accept
the short version of the story.
the short version of the story.
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prečesto smo voljni prihvatiti
kratke verzije priče.
kratke verzije priče.
11:01
The version of the story that asks,
"Are you still together?"
"Are you still together?"
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Verziju priče koja pita:
"Jeste li još uvijek zajedno?"
"Jeste li još uvijek zajedno?"
11:05
and is content with a yes or no answer.
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i koja je zadovoljna potvrdnim
ili niječnim odgovorom.
ili niječnim odgovorom.
11:09
So rather than that question,
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Umjesto tog pitanja,
11:11
I would propose we ask
some more difficult questions,
some more difficult questions,
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predlažem da postavimo neka teža pitanja,
11:15
questions like:
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poput:
11:17
How do you decide who deserves your love
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Kako odlučujete tko zaslužuje vašu ljubav,
11:20
and who does not?
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a tko ne?
11:22
How do you stay in love
when things get difficult,
when things get difficult,
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Kako ostajete zaljubljeni
kad se stvari zakompliciraju,
kad se stvari zakompliciraju,
11:26
and how do you know
when to just cut and run?
when to just cut and run?
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a kako znate kad je vrijeme
da se pokupite i odete?
da se pokupite i odete?
11:29
How do you live with the doubt
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Kako živite sa sumnjom
11:31
that inevitably creeps
into every relationship,
into every relationship,
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koja se neizbježno uvlači u svaku vezu,
11:34
or even harder,
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ili još teže,
11:36
how do you live with your partner's doubt?
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kako živite s partnerovom sumnjom?
11:39
I don't necessarily know
the answers to these questions,
the answers to these questions,
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Ne znam nužno odgovore na ta pitanja,
11:43
but I think they're an important start
at having a more thoughtful conversation
at having a more thoughtful conversation
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ali mislim da su važan uvod
u dublji razgovor
u dublji razgovor
11:48
about what it means to love someone.
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o tome što znači voljeti nekoga.
11:52
So, if you want it,
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Pa, ako je već želite,
11:54
the short version of the story
of my relationship is this:
of my relationship is this:
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kratka verzija priče
o mojoj vezi glasi ovako:
o mojoj vezi glasi ovako:
11:58
a year ago, an acquaintance
and I did a study
and I did a study
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prije godinu dana poznanik
i ja proveli smo ekspriment
i ja proveli smo ekspriment
12:01
designed to create romantic love,
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osmišljen za stvaranje
romantične ljubavi
romantične ljubavi
12:04
and we fell in love,
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i zaljubili smo se
12:06
and we are still together,
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i još smo uvijek zajedno
12:08
and I am so glad.
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i presretna sam.
12:11
But falling in love is not
the same thing as staying in love.
the same thing as staying in love.
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Ali zaljubljivanje nije isto što i ljubav.
12:16
Falling in love is the easy part.
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Lako je zaljubiti se.
12:20
So at the end of my article, I wrote,
"Love didn't happen to us.
"Love didn't happen to us.
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Svoj sam članak završila riječima:
"Nama se ljubav nije dogodila.
"Nama se ljubav nije dogodila.
12:24
We're in love because we each
made the choice to be."
made the choice to be."
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Zaljubljeni smo jer smo se
oboje na to odlučili."
oboje na to odlučili."
12:28
And I cringe a little
when I read that now,
when I read that now,
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Sada kada to čitam, malo se naježim -
12:32
not because it isn't true,
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ne zato što to nije istina,
12:34
but because at the time,
I really hadn't considered
I really hadn't considered
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nego zato što tada nisam shvaćala
12:37
everything that was contained
in that choice.
in that choice.
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sve što je uključeno u taj izbor.
12:41
I didn't consider how many times
we would each have to make that choice,
we would each have to make that choice,
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Nisam shvaćala koliko ćemo puta
oboje morati donositi tu odluku
oboje morati donositi tu odluku
12:46
and how many times I will continue
to have to make that choice
to have to make that choice
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i koliko ću puta morati
ponovno donositi tu odluku
ponovno donositi tu odluku
12:50
without knowing whether or not
he will always choose me.
he will always choose me.
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ne znajući hoće li me on
svaki put izabrati.
svaki put izabrati.
12:54
I want it to be enough to have asked
and answered 36 questions,
and answered 36 questions,
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Voljela bih da je bilo dovoljno postaviti
i odgovoriti na 36 pitanja
i odgovoriti na 36 pitanja
12:59
and to have chosen to love someone
so generous and kind and fun
so generous and kind and fun
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i odlučiti voljeti nekoga
tako velikodušnog, dragog i zabavnog
tako velikodušnog, dragog i zabavnog
13:04
and to have broadcast that choice
in the biggest newspaper in America.
in the biggest newspaper in America.
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i objaviti taj izbor u najvećim
američkim novinama.
američkim novinama.
13:10
But what I have done instead
is turn my relationship
is turn my relationship
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Umjesto toga pretvorila sam svoju vezu
13:14
into the kind of myth
I don't quite believe in.
I don't quite believe in.
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u svojevrstan mit
u koji baš i ne vjerujem.
u koji baš i ne vjerujem.
13:18
And what I want, what perhaps
I will spend my life wanting,
I will spend my life wanting,
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Ono što ja želim, ono što ću možda
željeti cijeli svoj život,
željeti cijeli svoj život,
13:22
is for that myth to be true.
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jest da se taj mit ostvari.
13:25
I want the happy ending
implied by the title to my article,
implied by the title to my article,
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Želim da se sretan završetak
podrazumijeva u nazivu mog članka
podrazumijeva u nazivu mog članka
13:30
which is, incidentally,
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koji je, usput budi rečeno,
13:31
the only part of the article
that I didn't actually write.
that I didn't actually write.
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jedini dio članka koji nisam ja napisala.
13:35
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
13:38
But what I have instead is the chance
to make the choice to love someone,
to make the choice to love someone,
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Umjesto toga imam priliku
donijeti odluku voljeti nekoga
donijeti odluku voljeti nekoga
13:43
and the hope that he will choose
to love me back,
to love me back,
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i nadati se da će
i on odlučiti voljeti mene,
i on odlučiti voljeti mene,
13:46
and it is terrifying,
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a to je zastrašujuće,
13:49
but that's the deal with love.
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ali takva je ljubav.
13:51
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - WriterMandy Len Catron explores love stories.
Why you should listen
Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com