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James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: La agonía de intentar cancelar una suscripción
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Nos pasa a todos: nos damos de baja de un correo electrónico de marketing no deseado, y unos días más tarde, otro mensaje de la misma empresa aparece en la bandeja de entrada. El comediante James Veitch convirtió esa frustración en algo banal, cuando un supermercado local se negó a aceptar un no por respuesta. Luego, sobrevino el catalizador lúdico.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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Es curioso las cosas que uno olvida.
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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Fui a ver a mi madre el otro día,
y me contó esta historia
y me contó esta historia
que yo había olvidado por completo
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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de cómo, al ir juntos en el auto,
ella paró el auto,
ella paró el auto,
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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y cuando había salido,
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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y dio la vuelta alrededor del auto
para que bajara,
para que bajara,
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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yo ya había salido
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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00:31
and pretended to have died.
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y fingía haber muerto.
00:34
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
(Aplausos)
00:37
(Applause)
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00:47
Because that's how you die.
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Porque uno muere así.
00:48
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Y recuerdo que era un juego al que jugaba
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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para entretenerme cuando estaba
aburrido o frustrado.
aburrido o frustrado.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
01:00
Settle down.
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Me establecí.
01:01
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Se dice que vivimos en una época
de sobrecarga de información, ¿no?
de sobrecarga de información, ¿no?
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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No sé de eso,
01:06
I don't know about that,
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solo sé que recibo demasiados
emails de marketing.
emails de marketing.
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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Recibí uno de un supermercado
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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01:13
which will remain nameless
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que no mencionaré
por razones eminentemente legales,
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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pero que voy a llamar "SafeMart".
01:19
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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Recibí un email de ellos que decía:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"¡Faltan solo tres semanas para la
apertura de SafeMart en King Cross!"
apertura de SafeMart en King Cross!"
Y esto me molestó,
01:28
And I resented this,
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porque no solo no recordaba
haberme suscrito a eso,
haberme suscrito a eso,
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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sino que me molestaba que pensaran
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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que debía estar entusiasmado
por la apertura de una tienda.
por la apertura de una tienda.
Así que me desplacé hasta
el final del email,
el final del email,
01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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y presioné "Cancelar suscripción".
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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Pensé que eso sería todo.
Pero una semana después,
recibí otro email que decía:
recibí otro email que decía:
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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01:50
"Just two weeks
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"¡Faltan solo dos semanas
para la apertura de SafeMart
en King Cross!"
en King Cross!"
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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Y pensé, obviamente,
no le di clic con suficiente fuerza.
no le di clic con suficiente fuerza.
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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Y probé de nuevo, ¿no?
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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Y he aquí que pasa una semana,
y adivinen:
y adivinen:
"¡Falta solo una semana para la
apertura de SafeMart en King Cross!"
apertura de SafeMart en King Cross!"
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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Y este es el problema:
02:06
And here's the problem:
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02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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Internet nos da acceso a todo;
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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pero también todos acceden a nosotros.
Es difícil discriminar
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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las cosas que realmente
importan en este mundo
importan en este mundo
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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de las minucias de la vida,
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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sin recibir emails
de cadenas de supermercados
de cadenas de supermercados
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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y la Saga de Candy Crush.
Y me enojé mucho con ellos,
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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y pensé en escribirles
un email muy extenso,
un email muy extenso,
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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algo que hago bastante bien.
02:32
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
02:35
And I thought, no --
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Y pensé, no,
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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vamos a jugar.
Así que les respondí:
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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"¡No veo la hora!"
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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"¿Qué necesitan de mí?"
Me respondió un tal Dan:
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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"Hola James. Le pedí a un colega
que me ayude con su consulta".
que me ayude con su consulta".
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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02:56
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Necesita ayuda.
02:57
Like it needs help.
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03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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Y le dije: "¿Cuál es el plan, Dan?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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Se me ocurren fuegos artificiales,
castillos inflables..."
castillos inflables..."
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
"No estoy seguro de a qué te refieres".
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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03:09
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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Dije: "¡Es que estoy muy entusiasmado
con la apertura del local!"
con la apertura del local!"
03:14
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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"¿Quieres reservar el castillo
inflable o lo hago yo?"
inflable o lo hago yo?"
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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El dijo: "Creo que Ud. ha entendido mal".
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
"Abre una nueva tienda,
pero no hay festejos planificados".
pero no hay festejos planificados".
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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Dije: "Pero ¿y los emails de faltan
tres semanas, dos semanas...?"
tres semanas, dos semanas...?"
03:35
I was getting excited."
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Yo estaba ilusionado".
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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"Siento que esté decepcionado".
03:41
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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Dije: "No te preocupes.
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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¡Hagamos algo de todos modos!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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Aparte, el depósito del castillo
no era reembolsable".
no era reembolsable".
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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"Si no lo usamos, perderemos
cientos de libras, Dan".
cientos de libras, Dan".
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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Dijo: "Señor Veitch, no soy responsable
de lo que haya pedido".
de lo que haya pedido".
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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Dije: "No entremos en quién hizo qué.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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En síntesis: tú y yo
estamos juntos en esto".
estamos juntos en esto".
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
04:19
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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"Pregunta: ¿Estarás allí para asegurarte
de que se quitan los zapatos?"
de que se quitan los zapatos?"
04:26
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Seré honesto, luego mi relación
con Dan empeoró levemente,
con Dan empeoró levemente,
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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porque el siguiente correo
que recibí decía:
que recibí decía:
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Gracias por su email.
Su Número de caso es..."
Su Número de caso es..."
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
04:41
That's outrageous.
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Eso es indignante.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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Dije: "¿Dan?"
04:44
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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Me dijo... me dije... pensé...
Le dije: "¿Danny?"
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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Y pensé, esto es terrible.
Solo recibo números de casos.
Solo recibo números de casos.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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Dije: "¿D-Dog?"
04:57
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
05:00
"The store is now open."
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"La tienda está abierta, Dan".
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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Dije: "Dan, deben haberse preguntado
por qué no había castillo inflable".
por qué no había castillo inflable".
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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Y luego volvimos a esto.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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Y podría haber sido
el fin de la historia,
el fin de la historia,
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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pero recordé que todo, cualquier cosa,
incluso algo tan mundano
como bajar de un auto,
como bajar de un auto,
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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puede ser divertido si se
encuentra el juego correcto.
encuentra el juego correcto.
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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05:29
So,
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Así que...
05:31
this is what I replied:
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le respondí esto:
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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[Gracias por tu email.
Tu número de caso es #0000001.]
Tu número de caso es #0000001.]
05:36
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
05:39
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
05:44
And we just, uh ...
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Y empezamos, uh...
(Risas)
05:46
(Laughter)
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05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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Fue como estar bailando.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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Fue una relación hermosa.
05:52
We just kept going.
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Así seguimos.
Fue maravilloso.
05:55
It was lovely.
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05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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Pero para ser honesto, muchachos,
esto exigía bastante trabajo manual,
esto exigía bastante trabajo manual,
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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y tenía otras cosas que hacer,
06:02
believe it or not.
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lo crean o no.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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Por eso hice un programita
automático para responder emails.
automático para responder emails.
Y lo configuré para que cada vez
que recibía un email de SafeMart,
que recibía un email de SafeMart,
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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respondiera con otro mensaje.
06:15
it just pings one back.
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Lo configuré y dice:
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Gracias por tu email.
Tu número de caso es..."
Tu número de caso es..."
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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Y le puse una formulita
para sumar de a uno cada vez.
para sumar de a uno cada vez.
Lo puse en el servidor
06:24
And I put it on the server
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06:26
and set it running.
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y lo dejé correr.
06:29
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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Seré honesto, muchachos,
luego me olvidé.
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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06:37
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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El otro día miré,
y parece que hubo algunos
mails de ida y vuelta.
mails de ida y vuelta.
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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06:49
We're on 21,439.
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Vamos por el 21 439.
06:52
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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Me da una inmensa satisfacción saber
que estos programas informáticos
mantendrán correspondencia
mantendrán correspondencia
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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07:06
for eternity.
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por la eternidad.
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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Y como va el legado,
no creo que sea malo.
no creo que sea malo.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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Así que recuerden:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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si alguna vez se sienten abrumados
por la burocracia
por la burocracia
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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y, a menudo, por la mundanidad
de la vida moderna,
de la vida moderna,
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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no luchen contra la frustración.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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Que ese sea el catalizador
07:28
for whimsy.
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de la fantasía.
07:31
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Gracias.
07:34
Thank you.
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07:35
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com