TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: Penderitaan untuk berhenti langganan
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Ini terjadi pada kita semua: Anda berhenti langganan dari surel promosi yang tak diinginkan, dan beberapa hari kemudian surel lain dari perusahaan yang sama muncul di kotak masuk Anda. Komedian James Veitch mengubah rasa frustrasi ini menjadi kelucuan ketika sebuah pasar swalayan lokal menolak menjawab tidak. Kegaduhan pun terjadi.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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Hal-hal yang terlupakan itu lucu.
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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Aku mengunjungi ibuku suatu hari,
dan dia bercerita
dan dia bercerita
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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tentang sesuatu yang benar-benar
sudah kulupakan tentang
sudah kulupakan tentang
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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bagaimana, ketika kami berkendara,
dia akan menepi,
dia akan menepi,
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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dan saat dia keluar,
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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dan memutari mobil untuk
mengeluarkanku,
mengeluarkanku,
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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aku sudah keluar dari mobil
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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dan berpura-pura mati.
00:34
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
00:37
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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Karena begitulah caramu mati.
00:48
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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Dan aku ingat, itulah permainan
yang biasa kumainkan sendiri
yang biasa kumainkan sendiri
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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untuk menghibur diri
saat bosan atau frustasi.
saat bosan atau frustasi.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:00
Settle down.
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Tenanglah.
01:01
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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Orang bilang kita hidup di
era banjir informasi. Benar, kan?
era banjir informasi. Benar, kan?
01:06
I don't know about that,
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Entahlah,
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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yang kutahu, aku dapat
terlalu banyak surel promosi.
terlalu banyak surel promosi.
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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Aku dapat surel promosi
dari sebuah pasar swalayan,
dari sebuah pasar swalayan,
01:13
which will remain nameless
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yang akan tetap tidak bernama
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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terutama demi alasan legal,
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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tapi akan kusebut dengan "SafeMart".
01:19
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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Aku menerima surel dari mereka,
bunyinya begini:
bunyinya begini:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"Tiga minggu menuju pembukaan SafeMart
di Kings' Cross!!!"
di Kings' Cross!!!"
01:28
And I resented this,
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Dan aku merasa kesal,
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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bukan hanya karena aku tidak ingat
kapan mendaftar untuk surel itu,
kapan mendaftar untuk surel itu,
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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tapi juga karena
mereka sepertinya berpikir
mereka sepertinya berpikir
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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bahwa aku mesti tertarik
dengan pembukaan sebuah toko.
dengan pembukaan sebuah toko.
01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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Jadi, yang kulakukan hanya
menggulir layar ke dasar surel,
menggulir layar ke dasar surel,
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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lalu menekan, "Berhenti Langganan."
01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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Dan kupikir itu akan berakhir.
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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Tapi sepekan kemudian,
muncul surel lain,
muncul surel lain,
01:50
"Just two weeks
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"Dua minggu menuju
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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pembukaan SafeMart di King's Cross!!!"
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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Dan kupikir, pastinya,
aku mengklik kurang keras.
aku mengklik kurang keras.
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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Jadi aku mencobanya lagi. Betul, kan?
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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Tapi coba lihat, seminggu berlalu,
dan bisa ditebak,
dan bisa ditebak,
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"Satu minggu menuju pembukaan SafeMart
di King's Cross!!!"
di King's Cross!!!"
02:06
And here's the problem:
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Dan inilah masalahnya:
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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Internet memberi kita akses
kepada semua hal;
kepada semua hal;
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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tapi juga memberi semua hal
akses kepada kita.
akses kepada kita.
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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Sudah cukup sulit membedakan
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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antara hal yang sungguh penting
di dunia ini
di dunia ini
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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dengan pernak-pernik kehidupan,
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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tanpa menerima surel
tentang pasar swalayan
tentang pasar swalayan
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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dan Candy Crush Saga.
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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Dan itu sangat menggangguku,
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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dan kupikir, oke, aku akan menulis
surel peringatan keras,
surel peringatan keras,
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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yang amat mahir kulakukan.
02:32
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
02:35
And I thought, no --
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Tapi kupikir, tidak --
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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aku akan mengikuti permainannya.
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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Jadi kubalas surel itu,
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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"Aku benar-benar tidak sabar!!!!"
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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"Apa yang kau perlu dariku?"
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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Mereka membalas;
pria bernama Dan berkata,
pria bernama Dan berkata,
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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"Hai, James. Saya telah meminta rekan saya
membantu Anda."
membantu Anda."
02:56
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
02:57
Like it needs help.
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Seperti aku perlu bantuan saja.
03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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Dan kujawab, "Apa rencananya, Dan?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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Mungkin kembang api, istana goyang..."
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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"Saya tidak mengerti maksud Anda."
03:09
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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Aku menulis, "Aku cuma begitu senang
dengan pembukaannya!"
dengan pembukaannya!"
03:14
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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"Kau yang akan memesan istana goyang,
atau aku saja?"
atau aku saja?"
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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Dia bilang, "Mungkin Anda salah paham."
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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"Toko baru akan dibuka,
tapi tidak ada rencana perayaan."
tapi tidak ada rencana perayaan."
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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Kutulis, "Lalu buat apa surel
'Tiga minggu', 'Dua minggu' itu?
'Tiga minggu', 'Dua minggu' itu?
03:35
I was getting excited."
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Aku sudah sangat tidak sabar."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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"Maaf membuat Anda kecewa."
03:41
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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Kubilang, "Jangan khawatir.
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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Ayo kita lakukan sesuatu!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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Lagipula, uang muka istana goyang
tidak bisa dikembalikan."
tidak bisa dikembalikan."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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"Jika tak digunakan,
kita rugi ratusan poundsterling, Dan."
kita rugi ratusan poundsterling, Dan."
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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Katanya, "Pak Veitch, saya tak
bertanggung jawab atas pesanan Anda."
bertanggung jawab atas pesanan Anda."
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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Kubilang, "Mari jangan saling menyalahkan.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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Intinya: kau dan aku
melakukan ini bersama."
melakukan ini bersama."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:19
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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"Pertanyaan: Kau akan di sana,
memastikan semua orang melepas sepatu?"
memastikan semua orang melepas sepatu?"
04:26
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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Sejujurnya, setelah itu hubunganku
dengan Dan langsung memburuk,
dengan Dan langsung memburuk,
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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karena surel berikutnya menyatakan:
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Terima kasih atas surel Anda -
Nomor Kasus Anda ..."
Nomor Kasus Anda ..."
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:41
That's outrageous.
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Itu kasar sekali.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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Kubalas, "Dan?"
04:44
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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Dan yang kuterima -- padahal aku cuma,
ini ... -- aku, aku...
ini ... -- aku, aku...
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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Dan aku berkata, "Danny?"
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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Dan kupikir, ini buruk.
Aku hanya mengumpulkan Nomor Kasus.
Aku hanya mengumpulkan Nomor Kasus.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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Aku menulis, "Bro?"
04:57
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:00
"The store is now open."
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"Sekarang toko dibuka."
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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Kubalas, "Tapi Dan, mereka pasti penasaran
kenapa tak ada istana goyang."
kenapa tak ada istana goyang."
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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Lalu kami kembali lagi.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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Dan itu bisa jadi akhir cerita,
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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tapi aku ingat bahwa setiap hal --
semuanya --
semuanya --
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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bahkan hal biasa
seperti keluar dari mobil,
seperti keluar dari mobil,
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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bisa seru jika
dimainkan dengan tepat.
dimainkan dengan tepat.
05:29
So,
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Jadi,
05:31
this is what I replied:
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inilah jawabanku:
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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[Terima kasih -
Nomor Kasus Anda #0000001.]
Nomor Kasus Anda #0000001.]
05:36
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:39
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
05:44
And we just, uh ...
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Dan kami hanya, eh...
05:46
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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Kami seperti sedang berdansa.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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Itu adalah hubungan yang indah.
05:52
We just kept going.
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Kami hanya terus melakukannya.
05:55
It was lovely.
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Sangat menyenangkan.
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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Tapi sejujurnya, kawan,
hal itu cukup menyita tenaga,
hal itu cukup menyita tenaga,
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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dan aku punya hal lain untuk dilakukan,
06:02
believe it or not.
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percaya atau tidak.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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Jadi yang kulakukan hanya
memiliki program pembalas surel otomatis.
memiliki program pembalas surel otomatis.
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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Aku mengaturnya sehingga
setiap menerima surel dari SafeMart,
setiap menerima surel dari SafeMart,
06:15
it just pings one back.
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akan langsung terbalas.
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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Jadi, kuatur seperti ini,
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Terima kasih -
Nomor Kasus Anda..."
Nomor Kasus Anda..."
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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Lalu aku membuat rumus sederhana
untuk menambahkan nomor kasus.
untuk menambahkan nomor kasus.
06:24
And I put it on the server
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Aku mengaturnya di peladen
06:26
and set it running.
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dan membiarkannya berjalan.
06:29
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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Sejujurnya, kawan --
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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kemudian aku melupakannya.
06:37
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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Aku memeriksa lagi suatu hari,
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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dan tampaknya sudah ada beberapa
surel yang saling berbalas.
surel yang saling berbalas.
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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Saat ini sudah 1.439.
06:52
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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Aku sangat puas saat
mengetahui bahwa
mengetahui bahwa
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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program komputer ini
hanya akan saling berbalas
hanya akan saling berbalas
07:06
for eternity.
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untuk selamanya.
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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Kalau diamati kembali,
kupikir itu tidak buruk.
kupikir itu tidak buruk.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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Jadi, kawan, ingatlah:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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jika kau merasa dikecewakan
oleh birokrasi
oleh birokrasi
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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dan kebosanan akan hidup modern,
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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jangan lawan rasa frustrasi itu.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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Biarkan menjadi katalis
07:28
for whimsy.
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untuk hal-hal lucu.
07:31
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
07:34
Thank you.
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Terima kasih.
07:35
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com