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James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: 取消訂閱嘅苦惱
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我哋每個人都試過取消訂閱唔想要嘅推廣電郵，但幾日後又收到同一間公司嘅另一個推廣電郵。全因一間本地超市唔肯講唔做，喜劇演員 James Veitch 成功將呢個煩惱變成幽默，亦令到有趣嘅事陸續有嚟。
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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唔記得嘅事係幾有趣
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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有一日我探我媽
佢同我講呢個
我已經完全唔記得嘅故事
我已經完全唔記得嘅故事
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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就係我同媽媽出街揸車，佢泊車
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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當佢落車
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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佢走去另一邊，畀我落車
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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而我已經一早落咗車
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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仲扮死添
00:34
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:37
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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因為我哋都係咁死
00:48
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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仲記得我悶同煩惱嗰陣
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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我都會咁樣同自己玩，娛樂自己
00:58
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:00
Settle down.
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就係冷靜
01:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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好多人講我哋生活喺資訊爆炸嘅時代？
01:06
I don't know about that,
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我唔知道呀
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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但我剩係知我收到好多推廣電郵
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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有一封係黎自超級市場
01:13
which will remain nameless
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主要因為法律原因，我唔會講名
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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所以我就叫佢做 SafeMart
01:19
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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佢哋嘅電郵內容係︰
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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「仲有三日就係 King's Cross
嘅 SafeMart 開幕！」
嘅 SafeMart 開幕！」
01:28
And I resented this,
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我好嬲
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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首先因為係唔記訂閱過佢哋
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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其次因為
佢哋覺得我應該要為超市開幕而興奮
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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於是我拉落去電郵最底
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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㩒取消訂閱
01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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我以為就咁可以告一段落
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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誰不知一星期後，我收到另一封電郵
話︰「仲有兩個星期
01:50
"Just two weeks
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King's Cross 嘅 SafeMart 開幕啦！」
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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我諗係我未㩒到取消訂閱
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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所以我再試多次
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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一個星期之後，你估下咩事？
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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「仲有一個星期 King's Cross
嘅 SafeMart 開幕啦！」
嘅 SafeMart 開幕啦！」
02:06
And here's the problem:
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呢度有一個問題
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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我哋因為互聯網而知道曬所有嘅嘢
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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同時我哋都暴露無遺
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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冇咗連鎖超市同 Candy Crush 嘅電郵
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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我哋係好難去分別
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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乜嘢係對呢個世界真正重要
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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同對生命微不足道
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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但我真係覺得佢哋好煩
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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所以我要寫一封好嚴肅嘅電郵
而且我覺得我會勝任呢件事
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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02:32
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:35
And I thought, no --
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我覺得都係唔得
我要玩個遊戲
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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所以我回覆電郵話︰
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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「我真係好期待！」
02:43
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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「我有咩可以幫到你？」
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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然後有個叫 Dan 嘅男人回覆我︰
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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「你好 James，我已經
叫我同事回答你嘅問題。」
叫我同事回答你嘅問題。」
（笑聲）
02:56
(Laughter)
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好似真係需要協助
02:57
Like it needs help.
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03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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我話︰「Dan 你有咩計劃？
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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我諗緊煙花、充氣城堡…」
03:04
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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「我唔係好明你意思。」
03:09
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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我話︰「我只係對開幕超級期待！」
03:14
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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「你想唔想訂充氣城堡，
或者我幫你訂？」
或者我幫你訂？」
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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佢話︰「我諗有啲誤會。」
03:25
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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「新店開幕，不過冇慶祝計劃。」
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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我話︰「但係啲倒數嘅電郵
令我愈來愈興奮！」
令我愈來愈興奮！」
03:35
I was getting excited."
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03:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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「唔好意思，令你失望。」
03:41
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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我話︰「唔緊要，
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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等我哋做啲嘢。
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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不過充氣城堡嘅訂金係無得退。」
03:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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「如果我哋唔用，
我哋會損失幾百英磅，Dan。」
我哋會損失幾百英磅，Dan。」
04:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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佢話︰「Veitch 先生，
我唔係負責你訂購咗嘅嘢。」
我唔係負責你訂購咗嘅嘢。」
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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我話︰「咁我哋唔傾邊個負責乜嘢。」
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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最低嗰行︰呢件事係我同你都有份嘅
04:16
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:19
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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「問題︰你會唔會喺嗰度
確保所有人除鞋㗎？」
確保所有人除鞋㗎？」
04:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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好老實，我同 Dan 嘅關係之後差咗
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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因為我收到嘅下一個電郵係︰
「多謝你嘅電郵，你嘅檔案編號係…」
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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04:39
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:41
That's outrageous.
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咁好奇怪
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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我話︰「Dan？」
04:44
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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之後我收到…
「多謝，你嘅檔案編號係
#39009371。」
#39009371。」
我話︰「Danny？」
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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我心諗咁樣唔掂喎
因為佢之後回覆嘅電郵都只有檔案編號
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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所以我話︰阿狗公？
04:57
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:00
"The store is now open."
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然後我收到︰「店鋪依家開幕。」
05:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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我話︰「但係 Dan，
佢哋一定諗點解無充氣城堡。」
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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之後我哋又去返檔案編號
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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故事可能就咁完
但係我記得任何嘢或者所有嘢
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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即使同落車一樣咁普通
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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只要我哋識玩，都可以好有趣
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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05:29
So,
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所以我就咁回覆︰
05:31
this is what I replied:
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05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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「多謝你嘅電郵，
你嘅檔案編號係 #0000001。」
你嘅檔案編號係 #0000001。」
05:36
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
（掌聲）
05:39
(Applause)
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05:44
And we just, uh ...
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而我哋…
05:46
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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我哋好似跳舞咁有一段美好嘅關係
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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05:52
We just kept going.
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亦都所以繼續落去
成件事好得意
05:55
It was lovely.
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05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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但老實講，咁樣做有啲麻煩
畢竟我有其他事做
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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06:02
believe it or not.
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06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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所以我整咗個小小嘅
電郵自動回覆程式
電郵自動回覆程式
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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令到每次收到 SafeMart 嘅電郵
都會回覆一個返去
都會回覆一個返去
06:15
it just pings one back.
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06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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我設定內容係︰
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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「多謝你嘅電郵，你嘅檔案編號係…」
我仲寫咗一條程式
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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令到檔案編號每次會加一
06:24
And I put it on the server
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我將個程式輸入個系統，同埋開咗佢
06:26
and set it running.
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06:29
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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好老實，之後我唔記得咗呢件事
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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06:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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有一日我睇返
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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我至發覺我同佢之間
一直都有好多電郵來來回回
一直都有好多電郵來來回回
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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我哋目前嘅編號係 21439
06:52
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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見到電腦程式會永遠將信件彈嚟彈去
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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07:06
for eternity.
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我覺得好滿足
所以我想講
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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即使精彩生活不在，其實都唔係咁差啫
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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就算你唔鍾意官僚主義
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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同現今平凡嘅生活模式
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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你都可以用佢黎製造幽默
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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所以千祈唔好唔開心
07:28
for whimsy.
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07:31
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
07:34
Thank you.
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多謝
07:35
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com