TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: Agonija pokušaja odjave
Filmed:
Readability: 3.5
21,478,160 views
Događa se svima: odjavite se sa neželjenog marketing maila, i par dana kasnije novi mail od iste tvrtke dolazi u inbox. Komičar James Veitch pretvorio je svoju frustraciju u šalu kada lokalni supermarket nije htio prihvatiti ne kao odgovor. Nepodopštine su slijedile.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
0
985
1807
Neobično je kakve sve stvari
zaboravljamo.
zaboravljamo.
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
1
3809
3690
Išao sam vidjeti majku neki dan,
i ispričala mi je priču
i ispričala mi je priču
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
2
7523
2168
koju sam skroz zaboravio
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
3
9715
3386
da kada bismo se vozili skupa,
ona bi stala,
ona bi stala,
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
4
13125
2156
i dok bi izašla iz auta,
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
5
15305
2444
i prošla oko auta da me pusti van,
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
6
17773
2078
ja bih se već izukao iz auta
00:31
and pretended to have died.
7
19875
2239
i pravio se da sam umro.
00:34
(Laughter)
8
22138
2946
(Smijeh)
00:37
(Applause)
9
25108
4348
(Pljesak)
00:47
Because that's how you die.
10
35386
1517
Jer tako umrete.
00:48
(Laughter)
11
36927
1933
(Smijeh)
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
12
38884
3103
I sjećam se, to je bila igra
koju sam igrao sam sa sobom
koju sam igrao sam sa sobom
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
13
42011
3396
da bih se zabavio kad mi je bilo
dosadno ili sam bio frustriran.
dosadno ili sam bio frustriran.
00:58
(Laughter)
14
46174
1396
(Smijeh)
01:00
Settle down.
15
48173
1343
Smirite se.
01:01
(Laughter)
16
49540
1993
(Smijeh)
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
17
51929
2888
Ljudi kažu da živimo u
vremenu prekomjernih informacija. Jelda?
vremenu prekomjernih informacija. Jelda?
01:06
I don't know about that,
18
54841
1164
Ne znam za to,
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
19
56029
2563
ali znam da dobivam
previše marketing mailova.
previše marketing mailova.
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
20
58616
2449
Dobio sam marketing mail
od supermarketa,
od supermarketa,
01:13
which will remain nameless
21
61089
1809
koji će ostati bezimen,
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
22
62922
1946
iz uglavnom legalnih razloga,
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
23
64892
2481
ali nazvat ću ih "SafeMart."
01:19
(Laughter)
24
67397
2058
(Smijeh)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
25
69479
3198
Dobio sam mail od njih,
i išlo je ovako:
i išlo je ovako:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
26
72701
4241
"Samo tri tjedna dok se SafeMart
na King's Crossu otvori!!!"
na King's Crossu otvori!!!"
01:28
And I resented this,
27
76966
1412
I zamjerio sam im to,
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
28
78402
4171
jer ne samo da se ne sjećam
da sam se pretplatio na to,
da sam se pretplatio na to,
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
29
82597
2712
nego zamjeram i činjenicu
da oni misle
da oni misle
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
30
85333
3142
da bih ja trebao biti uzbuđen
zbog otvaranja trgovine.
zbog otvaranja trgovine.
01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
31
89259
2985
Tako da sam otišao u dno maila
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
32
92268
1557
i pritisnuo, "Odjavi se."
01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
33
94238
1833
I pomislio sam da je to kraj.
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
34
96095
2156
Ali tjedan dana kasnije,
dobio sam još jedan,
dobio sam još jedan,
01:50
"Just two weeks
35
98275
1438
"Samo još dva tjedna
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
36
100664
1915
dok se SafeMart
na King's Crossu otvori!!!"
na King's Crossu otvori!!!"
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
37
102603
2627
I pomislio sam,
očito nisam dovoljno jako kliknuo.
očito nisam dovoljno jako kliknuo.
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
38
105254
1889
Tako da sam pokušao opet. Ok?
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
39
108254
2485
Čujte i počujte, tjedan dana prođe,
pogodili ste,
pogodili ste,
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
40
110763
4057
"Samo još tjedan dana
dok se SafeMart otvori!!!"
dok se SafeMart otvori!!!"
02:06
And here's the problem:
41
114844
1842
I tu je problem:
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
42
116710
2322
Internet nam je dao pristup svemu;
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
43
119889
2304
ali također je svemu dao pristup nama.
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
44
123177
1573
Dovoljno je lako razlučiti
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
45
124774
2555
između stvari koje su važne u svijetu
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
46
127353
1524
i nevažne stvari u životu,
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
47
128901
2675
bez mailova o supermarketima
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
48
131600
1443
i Candy Crush Sagi.
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
49
134696
1707
I bio sam frustriran njima,
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
50
136427
3178
i pomislio sam, napisat ću oštar mail
02:31
which I can do quite well.
51
139629
1261
koje znam dobro pisati.
02:32
(Laughter)
52
140914
1793
(Smijeh)
02:35
And I thought, no --
53
143144
1222
I pomislio sam, ne --
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
54
145252
1696
idem naći igru.
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
55
146972
2109
Tako da sam odgovorio i rekao,
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
56
149105
1800
"Doslovno ne mogu čekati!!!!"
02:43
(Laughter)
57
151535
1920
(Smijeh)
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
58
155173
1520
"Što trebate od mene?"
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
59
159201
2010
Odgovorili su mi,
tip imena Dan rekao je,
tip imena Dan rekao je,
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
60
161235
2914
"Zdravo James, pitao sam kolegu
da mi pomogne s tvojim upitom."
da mi pomogne s tvojim upitom."
02:56
(Laughter)
61
164173
1020
(Smijeh)
02:57
Like it needs help.
62
165217
1632
Kao da treba pomoć.
03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
63
168364
1755
Rekao sam, "Koji je plan, Dan?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
64
170143
2293
Mislim vatromet, dvorac za skakanje ..."
03:04
(Laughter)
65
172460
2195
(Smijeh)
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
66
176276
1475
"Nisam siguran što misliš."
03:09
(Laughter)
67
177775
1207
(Smijeh)
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
68
179512
2797
Rekao sam, "Samo sam nevjerojatno uzbuđen
oko otvaranja!"
oko otvaranja!"
03:14
(Laughter)
69
182333
1435
(Smijeh)
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
70
185362
3529
"Želiš rezervirati dvorac za skakanje,
ili da ja?"
ili da ja?"
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
71
191687
2152
Rekao je, "Mislim da nisi shvatio."
03:25
(Laughter)
72
193863
1515
(Smijeh)
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
73
195402
2991
"Otvara se nova trgovina,
ali nije planirana proslava."
ali nije planirana proslava."
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
74
199599
3980
Rekao sam, "Ali što je sa 'Tri tjedna do,'
'Dva tjedna do' mailovima?
'Dva tjedna do' mailovima?
03:35
I was getting excited."
75
203603
2139
Postajao sam uzbuđen."
03:37
(Laughter)
76
205766
1483
(Smijeh)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
77
208296
1554
"Žao mi je što si razočaran."
03:41
(Laughter)
78
209874
2000
(Smijeh)
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
79
213694
1335
Rekoh, "Ne brini.
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
80
216216
2773
Učinimo ipak nešto!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
81
219381
2988
Osim toga, polog na dvorac za skakanje
je nepovratan."
je nepovratan."
03:54
(Laughter)
82
222393
2104
(Smijeh)
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
83
226812
2820
"Ako ga ne iskoristimo, izgubili smo
par stotina funti, Dan."
par stotina funti, Dan."
04:01
(Laughter)
84
229656
1690
(Smijeh)
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
85
232718
3531
Rekao je, "Mr. Veitch, nisam odgovoran
ni za što što ste naručili."
ni za što što ste naručili."
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
86
237454
3324
Rekao sam, "Nemojmo ulaziti u to
tko je naručio što.
tko je naručio što.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
87
242182
2629
Kad podvučemo: ti i ja smo u ovome skupa."
04:16
(Laughter)
88
244835
2244
(Smijeh)
04:19
(Applause)
89
247103
1630
(Pljesak)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
90
251452
3378
"Pitanje: Hoćeš li biti tamo
da svi skinu cipele?"
da svi skinu cipele?"
04:26
(Laughter)
91
254854
2126
(Smijeh)
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
92
259429
3446
Iskreno, tada je moja veza s Danom
malo opala,
malo opala,
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
93
262899
2325
jer je sljedeći e-mail koji sam dobio bio:
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
94
265248
2382
"Hvala na vašem emailu -
broj vašeg slučaja je ..."
broj vašeg slučaja je ..."
04:39
(Laughter)
95
267654
2000
(Smijeh)
04:41
That's outrageous.
96
269981
1151
To je suludo.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
97
271156
1151
Rekao sam, "Dan?"
04:44
(Laughter)
98
272331
1840
(Smijeh)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
99
274195
2922
I dobio sam -- i bio sam kao,
ovo je ... -- i ja, ja .....
ovo je ... -- i ja, ja .....
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
100
277141
1796
I rekao sam, "Danny?"
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
101
279407
4616
I pomislio sam, ovo je užasno. Sve što sam radio
je skupljanje brojeva slučaja.
je skupljanje brojeva slučaja.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
102
284047
1547
Rekao sam, "D-dog?"
04:57
(Laughter)
103
285618
1826
(Smijeh)
05:00
"The store is now open."
104
288030
1296
"Trgovina je sada otvorena."
05:01
(Laughter)
105
289350
2000
(Smijeh)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
106
293104
4514
Rekao sam, "Ali Dan, sigurno su se pitali
gdje je dvorac za skakanje."
gdje je dvorac za skakanje."
05:10
And then we were back to this.
107
298587
2309
I onda smo se vratili ovome.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
108
303123
2607
I to bi možda bio kraj naše priče,
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
109
305754
4052
ali sam se sjetio da bilo što -- sve --
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
110
309830
3572
čak i nešto dosadno kao izlazak iz auta,
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
111
313426
1926
može biti zabavno ako nađete pravu igru.
05:29
So,
112
317474
1152
Dakle,
05:31
this is what I replied:
113
319944
1309
ovako sam odgovorio:
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
114
322063
2607
[Hvala vam na vašem mailu
- broj vašeg slučaja je #0000001.]
- broj vašeg slučaja je #0000001.]
05:36
(Laughter)
115
324694
2286
(Smijeh)
05:39
(Applause)
116
327004
3335
(Pljesak)
05:44
And we just, uh ...
117
332843
1395
I mi smo samo ...
05:46
(Laughter)
118
334262
2001
(Smijeh)
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
119
336287
2153
bilo je kao da smo plesali.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
120
338464
2243
Bila je to prekrasna veza.
05:52
We just kept going.
121
340731
2395
Nastavili smo.
05:55
It was lovely.
122
343150
1442
Bilo je prekrasno.
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
123
344616
2885
Ali da budem iskren, ljudi,
nije to bilo tako radno intenzivno,
nije to bilo tako radno intenzivno,
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
124
347525
3045
i imao sam druge stvari za raditi,
06:02
believe it or not.
125
350594
1389
vjerovali ili ne.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
126
353262
5729
I onda, ono što imam je mali
program za automatske odgovore.
program za automatske odgovore.
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
127
360358
3135
I postavio sam ga tako da svaki put
kad stigne mail od SafeMarta,
kad stigne mail od SafeMarta,
06:15
it just pings one back.
128
363517
1150
samo pošalje drugi natrag.
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
129
364691
1351
Tako da sam ga postavio, i kaže,
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
130
366066
2361
"Hvala na vašem mailu -
broj vašeg slučaja je ..."
broj vašeg slučaja je ..."
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
131
368451
3854
Onda ima formulu koju sam napisao
koja povećava broj svaki put.
koja povećava broj svaki put.
06:24
And I put it on the server
132
372329
1285
I stavio sam ju na server
06:26
and set it running.
133
374455
1365
i pokrenuo je.
06:29
(Laughter)
134
377681
3765
(Smijeh)
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
135
382889
1186
Bit ću iskren ljudi --
06:36
then I forgot about it.
136
384099
1396
onda sam zaboravio na njega.
06:37
(Laughter)
137
385519
2000
(Smijeh)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
138
388453
2139
Pogledao sam neki dan,
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
139
390616
6283
i čini se da je određeni broj mailova
išao tamo-amo.
išao tamo-amo.
06:49
We're on 21,439.
140
397661
2985
Bili smo na 21,439.
06:52
(Applause)
141
400670
4182
(Pljesak)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
142
407252
3052
Daje mi nevjerojatan
osjećaj zadovoljstva što znam
osjećaj zadovoljstva što znam
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
143
410328
3921
da ovi računalni programi
samo šalju poruke jedni drugima
samo šalju poruke jedni drugima
07:06
for eternity.
144
414273
1469
cijelu vječnost.
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
145
416926
2345
I po pitanju nasljeđa,
rekao bih da ovo nije loše.
rekao bih da ovo nije loše.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
146
421573
1810
Dakle ljudi, samo upamtite:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
147
423407
3453
ako ikad osjetite da vas
pritišće birokracija
pritišće birokracija
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
148
426884
2141
i često dosada modernog života,
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
149
430073
1825
ne borite se protiv frustracije.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
150
434263
1500
Neka vam to bude pokretač
07:28
for whimsy.
151
436725
1165
za nestašluk.
07:31
(Laughter)
152
439739
2515
(Smijeh)
07:34
Thank you.
153
442278
1159
Hvala vam.
07:35
(Applause)
154
443461
3832
(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com