TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
James Veitch: Agonija odjavljanja od nezaželene pošte
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Zgodi se vsem nam: odjaviš se od nezaželene reklamne e-pošte in čez nekaj dni se novo sporočilo istega podjetja prikaže v tvoji mapi Prejeto. Komik James Veitch je spremenil svoje frustracije v hudomušnost, ko lokalni supermarket ni hotel odnehati. Sledila je neverjetna zabava.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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Hecno je, kaj vse pozabiš.
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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Zadnjič sem obiskal svojo mamo
in povedala mi je zgodbo,
in povedala mi je zgodbo,
ki sem jo čisto pozabil, o tem, kako je,
ko sva se vozila skupaj, ustavila avto,
ko sva se vozila skupaj, ustavila avto,
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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in v tem času, ko je šla iz avta
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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in okrog njega, da bi me spustila ven,
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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sem jaz že šel iz avta
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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in se pretvarjal, da sem umrl.
00:34
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:37
(Applause)
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(Aplavz)
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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Ker tako se umre.
00:48
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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In spominjam se, da sem se tako igral
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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in se s tem zabaval, ko sem bil
zdolgočasen ali frustriran.
zdolgočasen ali frustriran.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:00
Settle down.
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Umirite se.
01:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
Pravijo, da živimo v dobi
prevelike količine podatkov. Kajne?
prevelike količine podatkov. Kajne?
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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Ne vem, kako je s tem, vem pa,
da dobim čisto preveč oglasne e-pošte.
da dobim čisto preveč oglasne e-pošte.
01:06
I don't know about that,
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01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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Dobil sem oglasno elektronsko
pismo trgovske verige,
pismo trgovske verige,
01:13
which will remain nameless
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ki bo ostala brez imena,
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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predvsem zaradi pravnih razlogov,
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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rekel pa ji bom "SafeMart."
01:19
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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Od njih sem dobil e-mail
in v njem je pisalo:
in v njem je pisalo:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"Samo še tri tedne do odprtja
SafeMarta na King's Crossu!!!"
SafeMarta na King's Crossu!!!"
01:28
And I resented this,
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In to sem jim zameril,
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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ne samo zato, ker se ne spomnim,
da bi se na to prijavil,
da bi se na to prijavil,
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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ampak zamerim jim, da očitno mislijo, da
bi naj bil navdušen nad odprtjem trgovine.
bi naj bil navdušen nad odprtjem trgovine.
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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Zato sem šel do konca e-maila
in kliknil "Odjava."
in kliknil "Odjava."
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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In si mislil, da je to to.
A čez en teden sem dobil
enega, kjer je pisalo:
enega, kjer je pisalo:
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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01:50
"Just two weeks
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"Samo dva tedna
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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do odprtja SafeMarta na King's Crossu!!!"
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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Pa sem si mislil, očitno
nisem dovolj močno kliknil.
nisem dovolj močno kliknil.
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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Zato sem še enkrat poskusil.
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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A glej in se čudi, en teden mine,
in - uganili ste:
in - uganili ste:
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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"Samo en teden do odprtja
SafeMarta na King's Crossu!!!"
SafeMarta na King's Crossu!!!"
02:06
And here's the problem:
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In tu je težava:
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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internet nam je dal dostop do vsega;
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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a je dal tudi vsemu dostop do nas.
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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Že tako je težko odločati,
kaj je na tem svetu res pomembno
kaj je na tem svetu res pomembno
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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in kaj so malenkosti,
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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brez da dobivate elektronsko pošto
o supermarketih in igrici Candy Crush.
o supermarketih in igrici Candy Crush.
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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Res sem bil jezen nanje
in si mislil, v redu, jim bom napisal
res ostro elektronsko pismo,
res ostro elektronsko pismo,
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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02:31
which I can do quite well.
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v čemer sem kar dober.
02:32
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:35
And I thought, no --
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In pomislil, ne -
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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našel bom igro v tem.
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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Zato sem jim odgovoril in napisal:
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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"Dobesedno komaj čakam!!!"
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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"Kaj potrebujete od mene?"
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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Odzvali so se in tip
po imenu Dan je rekel:
po imenu Dan je rekel:
"Pozdravljen James. Kolega mi bo
pomagal pri tvojem vprašanju."
pomagal pri tvojem vprašanju."
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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(Smeh)
02:56
(Laughter)
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02:57
Like it needs help.
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Kot da potrebuje pomoč.
03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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Rekel sem: "Kakšen je plan, Dan?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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V mislih imam ognjemet, napihljiv grad..."
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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"Ne vem točno, kaj mislite."
03:09
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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Rekel sem: "Samo navdušen sem
zaradi odprtja trgovine!"
zaradi odprtja trgovine!"
03:14
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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"Naj napihljiv grad rezerviram jaz
ali ga boste vi?"
ali ga boste vi?"
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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Rekel je: "Mislim,
da sva se narobe razumela."
da sva se narobe razumela."
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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Nova trgovina se bo odprla,
a nismo načrtovali praznovanja."
a nismo načrtovali praznovanja."
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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Rekel sem: "Kaj pa je bilo potem
s 'trije tedni do', 'dva tedna do' pošto?
s 'trije tedni do', 'dva tedna do' pošto?
03:35
I was getting excited."
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Bil sem vznemirjen!"
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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"Žal mi je, da ste razočarani."
03:41
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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Rekel sem: "Ne skrbite.
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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Vseeno naredimo nekaj!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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Poleg tega pa depozita
za napihljivi grad ne vračajo.
za napihljivi grad ne vračajo.
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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Če ga ne bomo uporabili,
sva izgubila nekaj sto funtov, Dan.
sva izgubila nekaj sto funtov, Dan.
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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Rekel je: "G. Veitch, nisem odgovoren
za nič, kar ste naročili."
za nič, kar ste naročili."
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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Rekel sem: "Ne poglabljajva se v,
kdo je naredil kaj.
kdo je naredil kaj.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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Navsezadnje: ti in jaz
sva zdaj skupaj v tem."
sva zdaj skupaj v tem."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:19
(Applause)
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(Aplavz)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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"Vprašanje: Boš ti tam in poskrbel,
da si bodo ljudje sezuli čevlje?"
da si bodo ljudje sezuli čevlje?"
04:26
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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Odkrit bom, moji odnosi z Danom
so se nekako skisali,
so se nekako skisali,
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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ker je bilo naslednje
elektronsko pismo tako:
elektronsko pismo tako:
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"Hvala za vaše pismo,
številka vašega primera je..."
številka vašega primera je..."
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:41
That's outrageous.
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To je nezaslišano.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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Rekel sem: "Dan?"
04:44
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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In dobil sem - in si mislil,
tole je... - in sem...
tole je... - in sem...
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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In sem rekel: "Danny?"
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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Pomislil sem, to je grozno.
Samo številke zbiram.
Samo številke zbiram.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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Rekel sem: "D-Dog?"
04:57
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:00
"The store is now open."
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"Trgovina je zdaj odprta."
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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Rekel sem: "Ampak Dan, gotovo so se
spraševali, zakaj ni napihljivega gradu?"
spraševali, zakaj ni napihljivega gradu?"
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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Pa sva bila spet pri tem.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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To bi lahko bil konec zgodbe,
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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a sem se spomnil, da je
lahko vse - karkoli -,
lahko vse - karkoli -,
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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tudi nekaj tako banalnega,
kot je iti ven iz avta,
kot je iti ven iz avta,
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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lahko zabavno, če najdeš pravo igro.
05:29
So,
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Torej,
05:31
this is what I replied:
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tole sem odgovoril:
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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[Hvala za vaše pismo -
številka vašega primera je #0000001.]
številka vašega primera je #0000001.]
05:36
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:39
(Applause)
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(Aplavz)
05:44
And we just, uh ...
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In sva pač...
05:46
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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Kot da bi plesala.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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Bilo je lepo razmerje.
05:52
We just kept going.
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Kar nadaljevala sva.
05:55
It was lovely.
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Bilo je lepo.
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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A če sem odkrit, bilo je naporno
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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in še kaj drugega imam za početi,
06:02
believe it or not.
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verjeli ali ne.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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Imam program
za avtomatski odgovor na e-pošto.
za avtomatski odgovor na e-pošto.
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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Nastavil sem ga, da vsakič, ko dobi
elektronsko pismo iz SafeMarta,
elektronsko pismo iz SafeMarta,
pošlje enega nazaj.
06:15
it just pings one back.
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06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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Nastavil sem ga, da piše:
"Hvala za vaše pismo,
številka vašega primera je..."
številka vašega primera je..."
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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Tu je majhna formula, ki sem
jo napisal, da vsakič poviša številko.
jo napisal, da vsakič poviša številko.
06:24
And I put it on the server
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Jo dal na server
06:26
and set it running.
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in jo pognal.
06:29
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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Odkrit bom -
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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potem sem pozabil na to.
06:37
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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Zadnjič sem spet pogledal
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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in očitno je šlo sem
in tja lepo število e-pošte.
in tja lepo število e-pošte.
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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Sedaj smo na 21.439.
06:52
(Applause)
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(Aplavz)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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V neverjetno zadoščenje mi je, da vem,
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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da bosta ta dva računalniška programa
odgovarjala eden drugemu
odgovarjala eden drugemu
07:06
for eternity.
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za vedno.
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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In kar se tiče zapuščine,
se mi to ne zdi tako slabo.
se mi to ne zdi tako slabo.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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Tako da, zapomnite si:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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če vas kdaj teži birokracija
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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in banalnost modernega življenja,
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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ne borite se s frustracijo.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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Naj bo katalizator
07:28
for whimsy.
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za hudomušnost.
07:31
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:34
Thank you.
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Hvala.
07:35
(Applause)
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(Aplavz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com