TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
詹姆斯·梵奇: 取消订阅的烦恼
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它与你我息息相关：你退订了一封并不感兴趣的营销邮件，几天后另一封来自相同公司的邮件又会出现在你的收件箱。当喜剧演员Jame Veitch在多次退订当地超市邮件无果后，他把这种烦恼变成了搞怪。 一场闹剧随之而来……
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
很多你不记得的东西是很搞笑的。
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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前几天我去看我老妈，
她告诉我了这样一个故事，
她告诉我了这样一个故事，
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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我已经完全忘了，
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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我们曾经一起开车出去，
她要停车，
她要停车，
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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当她从车里出来，
围着车绕了一圈，然后准备让我也下车，
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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我那时已经下了车，
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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并且假装已经死了。
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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（观众笑）
00:34
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
00:37
(Applause)
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00:47
Because that's how you die.
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因为在那时你差不多就是这么“死”的。
00:48
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
我记得，我以前常常和自己玩装死，
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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只要我无聊或者感到沮丧我就玩装死
来自娱自乐。
来自娱自乐。
00:58
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
01:00
Settle down.
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好让自己冷静点。
（观众笑）
01:01
(Laughter)
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01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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人们常说我们生活在信息膨胀的时代
对吧？
对吧？
我也不清楚，
01:06
I don't know about that,
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但是我知道我常收到很多营销邮件。
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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我收到过来自
一个超市集团的营销邮件，
一个超市集团的营销邮件，
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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匿名的邮件，
01:13
which will remain nameless
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因为一些法律原因，
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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但是我准备叫它“安全超市”。
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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（观众笑）
01:19
(Laughter)
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我收到一封他们发的邮件，上面写着：
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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“还有三周，安全超市就要在
国王十字路口开张啦！！！”
国王十字路口开张啦！！！”
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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01:28
And I resented this,
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我讨厌这种邮件，
因为不仅我记不得订阅过这样的消息，
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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而且我对于他们理所应当地认为我应该
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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对于新店开张感到
无比兴奋这种事儿非常厌恶。
无比兴奋这种事儿非常厌恶。
01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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于是我滑到邮箱的最底部，
点击了下“取消订阅”。
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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我想这样应该就会清净了。
但是一周后，
我收到了另一封邮件写到，
我收到了另一封邮件写到，
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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“还有两周安全超市即将在
01:50
"Just two weeks
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01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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国王十字路口开张啦！！！”
我想，应该是我上次没有退订成功。
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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然后我又退订了一次，这样应该好了吧？
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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没想到，过了一周，
你猜怎么着，
你猜怎么着，
“还有一周，安全超市
即将在国王十字路口开张啦！！！”
即将在国王十字路口开张啦！！！”
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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02:06
And here's the problem:
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这就有问题了：
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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互联网让我们与世界相连；
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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同时也让所有东西与我们相连。
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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没有关于连锁超市
和糖果传奇（一款手机游戏）的邮件，
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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我们可能就会很难分辨
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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世界上真正重要的东西，
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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和生活中的鸡毛蒜皮。
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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我真的被它们搞烦了，
我想，看来我必须要写一封
语气很重的回复邮件了，
语气很重的回复邮件了，
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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我很擅长这种事儿。
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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（观众笑）
02:32
(Laughter)
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02:35
And I thought, no --
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然后我仔细想想，不——
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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我要陪它们玩下去。
所以我回复了它，我写到，
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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“我真是等不及了啊！！！”
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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02:43
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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“我可以为你们做些什么呢？”
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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一个叫Dan的人给我回复了，
写道：
写道：
“你好 James.
我就你的问题向我的同事咨询了一下。”
我就你的问题向我的同事咨询了一下。”
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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（观众笑）
02:56
(Laughter)
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好像他才需要帮助吧。
02:57
Like it needs help.
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03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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我说：“你们有什么打算呢，Dan？
我能想到的是开业的烟花，
充气的城堡……”
充气的城堡……”
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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（观众笑）
03:04
(Laughter)
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03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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Dan：“我没搞懂你的意思。”
（观众笑）
03:09
(Laughter)
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03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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我说：“我只是对你们开业相当激动！”
（观众笑）
03:14
(Laughter)
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03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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“你打算订充气城堡，还是我来订？”
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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他说：“我觉得你可能误会了。”
（观众笑）
03:25
(Laughter)
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“我们新店确实要开业了，
但是并没有开业典礼计划。”
但是并没有开业典礼计划。”
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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我说：“但是你们每周都有发
那些开业倒计时邮件啊？
那些开业倒计时邮件啊？
让我都白激动了啊。”
03:35
I was getting excited."
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（观众笑）
03:37
(Laughter)
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03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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Dan：“我对你的失望感到十分歉意。”
（观众笑）
03:41
(Laughter)
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03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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我说：“没事。
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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不管怎么样我们还是做点什么吧！
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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再说充气城堡的订金已经不能退了。
（观众笑）
03:54
(Laughter)
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03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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如果我们不用它，
我们就浪费了几百块呢，Dan.”
我们就浪费了几百块呢，Dan.”
（观众笑）
04:01
(Laughter)
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04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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他说：“Veitch先生，
我对您所订购的东西没有任何责任。”
我对您所订购的东西没有任何责任。”
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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我说：“我们先别说谁做了什么。
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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无可否认，我们现在已经在一条船上了。
04:16
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
（掌声）
04:19
(Applause)
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04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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请问：你愿意一直在旁边看着
保证别人都把鞋子脱了吗？”
保证别人都把鞋子脱了吗？”
（观众笑）
04:26
(Laughter)
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04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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实话实说，那之后我跟Dan的关系
在某种程度上就恶化了，
在某种程度上就恶化了，
因为我发现下一封邮件是这样写的：
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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“感谢您的邮件——您的处理编号是……”
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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（观众笑）
04:39
(Laughter)
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04:41
That's outrageous.
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这真是让我哭笑不得。
我说：“Dan，在吗？”
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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（观众笑）
04:44
(Laughter)
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然后我收到的还是……
这……让我……
这……让我……
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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我说：“Danny，你在吗？！”
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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我觉得，这太糟糕了。
我一直在收到这些处理编号。
我一直在收到这些处理编号。
我说：“是电子狗吗？”
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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（观众笑）
04:57
(Laughter)
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05:00
"The store is now open."
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“超市现在开张了。——Dan”
（观众笑）
05:01
(Laughter)
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05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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我说：“但是Dan，
大家都会想为什么没有充气城堡吧。”
大家都会想为什么没有充气城堡吧。”
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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然后又变成了处理邮件。
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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故事应该在此就结束了。
但是我突然发觉，任何事——每件事——
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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甚至于一些日常小事儿，如下车，
只要掌握了正确的玩法，
只要掌握了正确的玩法，
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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都能变得有趣。
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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05:29
So,
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所以，
05:31
this is what I replied:
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我就回复到：
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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[感谢您的邮件——
您的处理编号是#0000001。]
您的处理编号是#0000001。]
（笑）
05:36
(Laughter)
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（掌声）
05:39
(Applause)
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05:44
And we just, uh ...
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然后我们就……
（笑）
05:46
(Laughter)
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这就像我们在翩翩起舞。
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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就像我们是完美的关系。
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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我们就这样进行下去。
05:52
We just kept going.
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太和谐了。
05:55
It was lovely.
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但是老实说，伙计们，这挺费功夫的，
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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我还有别的事情要忙，
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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不论你信不信。
06:02
believe it or not.
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06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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于是我做了一个邮件自动回复程序。
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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我设置好了程序，
每一次从安全超市收到邮件，
每一次从安全超市收到邮件，
它就这样发送一封回去。
06:15
it just pings one back.
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我设置好的内容是，
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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“谢谢您的邮件，您的处理编号为……”
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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我用了一个小公式，
每一次都会在上一个数字上加1。
每一次都会在上一个数字上加1。
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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然后把它放入服务器
06:24
And I put it on the server
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06:26
and set it running.
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让它运转。
06:29
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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坦白讲——
我最后把这事给忘了。
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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（观众笑）
06:37
(Laughter)
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06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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过了几天我回头查看邮件，
它显示出，来回的回复邮件，
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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06:49
We're on 21,439.
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达到21,439篇。
（掌声）
06:52
(Applause)
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06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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这件事带给我了很大的满足感，
我意识到
我意识到
这些电脑程序可以一直相互回复，
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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无穷无尽。
07:06
for eternity.
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07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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作为一种馈赠，
我觉得还是不错的。
我觉得还是不错的。
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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所以朋友们，请记住：
如果你们感觉自己被官僚主义深深压迫
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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或者被平淡无奇的生活压迫，
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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不要和沮丧做无谓的抗争。
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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让它成为我们的动力，
07:28
for whimsy.
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搞点小怪。
07:31
(Laughter)
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（观众笑）
谢谢。
07:34
Thank you.
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（掌声）
07:35
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com