TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
詹姆斯 威馳: 退訂之煩惱
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我們都曾遇到過：我們退訂了不想要的營銷郵件，幾天后，同一公司的又一封郵件重新擠進了你的收件箱。當喜劇演員詹姆斯 威馳收到當地超市多封郵件時，他把這種鬱悶轉化成了一種奇思妙想...
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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有時你所忘記的事情很有趣，
00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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有一天，我去看望我的媽媽，
她給我講了個故事，
她給我講了個故事，
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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而我早已全然忘記
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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我們是什麼時候、如何開車一起出行，
她把車停靠在路邊，
她把車停靠在路邊，
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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然後那個時候，
她下了車，
她下了車，
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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走到車的另一邊讓我下車，
00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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那時，我其實早已下車，
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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躺在地上裝死。
00:34
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:37
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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因為人就是這麼死的。
00:48
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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我記得，
每當自己感到無聊或者難過時，
每當自己感到無聊或者難過時，
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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我就會這麼做來讓自己開心。
00:58
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:00
Settle down.
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大家淡定點。
01:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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人們常說我們身處一個信息過剩
的時代，對吧？
的時代，對吧？
01:06
I don't know about that,
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對此我並不了解，
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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我只知道，
我收到的營銷郵件確實過剩。
我收到的營銷郵件確實過剩。
01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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我收到過一封超市公司發來的
營銷郵件，
營銷郵件，
01:13
which will remain nameless
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考慮到法律因素，
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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公司的名字我在此就不提了，
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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姑且叫它“沃安心“。
01:19
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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我收到的這封郵件，
是這麼說的：
是這麼說的：
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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“距國王十字街沃安心
盛大開業只剩三周！！！”
盛大開業只剩三周！！！”
01:28
And I resented this,
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我挺討厭這個的，
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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不光是因為
我不記得自己訂閱過推送，
我不記得自己訂閱過推送，
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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我討厭它，因為
他們似乎認為我為新店開業感到激動。
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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所以，我把郵件拖到底端，
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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然後點了“取消關注”。
01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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我以為這件事就這麼完了。
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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但是一周以後，
我又收到一封，
我又收到一封，
郵件寫道：
“距國王十字街沃安心
盛大開業只剩兩周！！！”
盛大開業只剩兩周！！！”
01:50
"Just two weeks
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01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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我想一定是自己沒有退訂成功。
01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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所以我就再一次點擊取消關注。
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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結果一周以後，你猜怎麼著，
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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“距國王十字街沃安心盛大開
業只剩一周！！！”
業只剩一周！！！”
02:06
And here's the problem:
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然後，問題就來了：
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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我們通過互聯網洞悉世事，
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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但同時，外界也借助互聯網“洞悉”我們。
02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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我們很難辨別，
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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什麼是真正關乎世界的大事，
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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是生活中的瑣事，
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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我們不需要連鎖超市和
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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“糖果粉碎傳奇”發來的郵件。
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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我對此很惱火，
然後我想，好吧，
就讓我來寫一封長信，
就讓我來寫一封長信，
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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02:31
which I can do quite well.
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這我挺拿手的。
02:32
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:35
And I thought, no --
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後來，我想：這可不行，
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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我要跟他們玩個遊戲，
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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所以，我回复了他們，信中寫道，
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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“我真是迫不及待呀！！！”
02:43
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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”我有什麼能幫到你們嗎？“
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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一個名叫丹的人回复了我，他說
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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“你好，詹姆斯。我找了一個同事
來幫忙解決你的疑問。
來幫忙解決你的疑問。
02:56
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:57
Like it needs help.
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我裝作以為他們需要幫忙。
03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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然後說，“計劃得如何，丹？
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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我能想到的是煙花和充氣城堡...“
03:04
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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”我沒弄懂你在說什麼。“
03:09
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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我回答道，”我只是對於開業感到非常激動！“
03:14
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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”你想要訂購充氣城堡嗎，
或者我可以幫忙？“
或者我可以幫忙？“
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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他說，“我想你是誤解了。”
03:25
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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“新店確實是要開業了，
但是並沒有慶祝計畫。”
但是並沒有慶祝計畫。”
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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“但是那些三週、兩週的倒計時
郵件是什麼呢？
郵件是什麼呢？
03:35
I was getting excited."
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我白激動一場啊。“
03:37
(Laughter)
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(笑聲)
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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“很抱歉讓您失望了。”
03:41
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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我回复道，”別擔心，
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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無論如何，我們得做點什麼！“
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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另外，訂購充氣城堡的錢可是不退的喔。”
03:54
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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“如果我們不用它，
那可是浪費了幾百磅啊，丹。”
那可是浪費了幾百磅啊，丹。”
04:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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他說，“威馳先生，
我不對您訂購的任何物資負責。”
我不對您訂購的任何物資負責。”
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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我回答，“我們先不要糾結誰做了什麼。
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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最後一行：“你和我都與此事相關。”
04:16
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:19
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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“請問：你會到場確保人們脫鞋進入嗎？”
04:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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實話實說，自那以後，
我和丹鬧僵了，
我和丹鬧僵了，
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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因為接下來的郵件是這樣的，
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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"謝謝您的來信，
您的問題編碼為..."
您的問題編碼為..."
04:39
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:41
That's outrageous.
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這可是很無理的
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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我問，”丹,你在嗎？“
04:44
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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然後回信是，
我回复，”我是...,我...
我回复，”我是...,我...
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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後來，我說，“丹尼？”
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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我想，這真是糟糕，
我現在就是在收集問題編碼呀，
我現在就是在收集問題編碼呀，
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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我又寫信，“丹尼狗？”
04:57
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:00
"The store is now open."
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“店鋪現在開業了。”
05:01
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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“但是，丹，人們一定在想
為什麼會沒有充氣城堡。”
為什麼會沒有充氣城堡。”
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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然後對話又變成了這個。
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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這個故事可能就這麼結束了，
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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但是我認為，任何事情-所有事情-
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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就算是像下車這種平常小事，
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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也可以在遊戲中變得很有趣。
05:29
So,
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所以，
05:31
this is what I replied:
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我是這樣回复的，
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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『感謝您的來信，您的問題編碼為#0000001.』
05:36
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:39
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
05:44
And we just, uh ...
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然後我們就...
05:46
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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就像是我們在翩翩起舞。
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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一場美妙的關係
05:52
We just kept going.
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我們就這樣持續下去
05:55
It was lovely.
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太可愛了
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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但是說實話，朋友們，
這確實挺耗費人力的，
這確實挺耗費人力的，
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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不管你信不信，
我真的還有很多事情要忙。
06:02
believe it or not.
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06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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所以我做了一個郵件自動回复程序。
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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設置好後，
每次收到"沃安心“的郵件，
每次收到"沃安心“的郵件，
06:15
it just pings one back.
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程序就會自動回复，
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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我是這樣設置的，
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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”謝謝您的來信，您的問題編碼為...“
06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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並且我設置程序
每次都增加編碼上的數字。
每次都增加編碼上的數字。
06:24
And I put it on the server
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我轉到服務器，
06:26
and set it running.
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並啟動了這個程序。
06:29
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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朋友們，我不得不說--
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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我把這件事完全拋擲腦後了，
06:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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後來有一天，我查看郵箱，
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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上面顯示了好多來來往往的郵件。
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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我們已經達到21439封了
06:52
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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我感到巨大的滿足，
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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我發現這個電腦程序會
讓我們之間的郵件往來
讓我們之間的郵件往來
07:06
for eternity.
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永無止境的持續下去。
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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我並不覺得這種持續不好。
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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所以朋友們，請記住：
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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如果有天你被官僚制度
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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以及各種現代生活中的俗事壓身，
07:22
don't fight the frustration.
149
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不要與沮喪抗爭。
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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讓它變成一種催化劑，
07:28
for whimsy.
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催生出各種奇思妙想。
07:31
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
07:34
Thank you.
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謝謝。
07:35
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com