TEDxLinnaeusUniversity
Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid
Guy Winch: Por que todos necesitamos practicar primeiros auxilios emocionais
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Imos ao médico cando nos temos catarro ou unha dor persistente. Entón, por que non consultamos a un profesional da saúde cando sentimos dor emocional: culpabilidade, abatemento, soidade? Moitos de nós lidamos con problemas psicolóxicos comúns sós, di Guy Winch. Pero non temos que facelo. Nesta charla fai unha convincente argumentación para practicar hixiene emocional, atender as nosas emocións, os nosos pensamentos, coa mesma dilixencia coa que atendemos os nosos corpos.
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
Crecín co meu xemelgo,
00:15
I grew up with my identical twin,
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00:18
who was an incredibly loving brother.
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que era un irmán incriblemente cariñoso.
Ora ben, o que ten ser xemelgo
é que te fai un experto
é que te fai un experto
00:21
Now, one thing about being a twin
is that it makes you an expert
is that it makes you an expert
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00:26
at spotting favoritism.
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en detectar favoritismos.
Se a súa galleta era un algo máis grande
ca a miña, eu cuestionábao.
ca a miña, eu cuestionábao.
00:28
If his cookie was even slightly bigger
than my cookie, I had questions.
than my cookie, I had questions.
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00:34
And clearly, I wasn't starving.
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E por suposto, non é
que estivera esfameado.
que estivera esfameado.
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Cando me fixen psicólogo, dei en reparar
nun tipo distinto de favoritismo:
nun tipo distinto de favoritismo:
00:40
When I became a psychologist, I began to
notice favoritism of a different kind,
notice favoritism of a different kind,
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00:46
and that is how much more we
value the body than we do the mind.
value the body than we do the mind.
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o de canto máis valoramos
o corpo ca a mente.
o corpo ca a mente.
Botei nove anos na universidade para
conseguir o doutoramento en Psicoloxía,
conseguir o doutoramento en Psicoloxía,
00:52
I spent nine years at university earning
my doctorate in psychology,
my doctorate in psychology,
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e nin imaxinan canta xente
mira a miña tarxeta e di:
mira a miña tarxeta e di:
00:58
and I can't tell you how many people
look at my business card and say,
look at my business card and say,
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"Oh, un psicólogo. Entón
non é un doutor de verdade",
non é un doutor de verdade",
01:02
"Oh, a psychologist.
So not a real doctor,"
So not a real doctor,"
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01:07
as if it should say that on my card.
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como se iso debera figurar na tarxeta.
01:10
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
Este favoritismo que lle damos ao corpo
sobre a mente, véxoo por todos os lados.
sobre a mente, véxoo por todos os lados.
01:15
This favoritism we show the body
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
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Hai pouco estaba na casa dun amigo,
01:21
I recently was at a friend's house,
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e o seu neno de cinco anos
preparábase para ir durmir.
preparábase para ir durmir.
01:23
and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed.
was getting ready for bed.
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Estaba subido a un tallo no lavabo
a cepillar os dentes, cando esvarou,
a cepillar os dentes, cando esvarou,
01:26
He was standing on a stool
by the sink brushing his teeth,
by the sink brushing his teeth,
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01:29
when he slipped, and scratched his leg
on the stool when he fell.
on the stool when he fell.
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e rabuñou unha perna
co tallo ao caer.
co tallo ao caer.
01:33
He cried for a minute,
but then he got back up,
but then he got back up,
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Chorou durante un minuto, e despois
ergueuse, volveu ao tallo
ergueuse, volveu ao tallo
01:36
got back on the stool, and reached out for
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
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e acadou unha caixa de tiras adhesivas
para poñer unha no corte.
para poñer unha no corte.
Este neno case non podía amalloar
os zapatos, pero sabía
os zapatos, pero sabía
01:43
Now, this kid could barely
tie his shoelaces,
tie his shoelaces,
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01:47
but he knew you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become infected,
so it doesn't become infected,
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que hai que tapar os cortes
para que non se infecten,
para que non se infecten,
01:51
and you have to care for
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
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e que hai que coidar os dentes
cepillándoos dúas veces ao día.
cepillándoos dúas veces ao día.
01:55
We all know how to maintain
our physical health
our physical health
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Todos sabemos como coidar
a nosa saúde física
a nosa saúde física
01:58
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
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e como practicar hixiene bucal, non si?
02:00
We've known it since
we were five years old.
we were five years old.
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Sabémolo desde que tiñamos cinco anos.
Mais que sabemos de coidar
a nosa saúde psicolóxica?
a nosa saúde psicolóxica?
02:04
But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health?
our psychological health?
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02:09
Well, nothing.
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Nadiña.
Que lles ensinamos aos nosos fillos
sobre hixiene emocional?
sobre hixiene emocional?
02:11
What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene?
about emotional hygiene?
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02:16
Nothing.
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Ren.
02:18
How is it that we spend more time
taking care of our teeth
taking care of our teeth
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Como pode ser que botemos máis tempo
coidando os nosos dentes
coidando os nosos dentes
02:23
than we do our minds.
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ca as nosas mentes?
Por que a saúde física
é moito máis importante para nós
é moito máis importante para nós
02:26
Why is it that our physical health is
so much more important to us
so much more important to us
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02:30
than our psychological health?
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ca a saúde psicolóxica?
02:33
We sustain psychological injuries
even more often than we do physical ones,
even more often than we do physical ones,
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Padecemos feridas psicolóxicas
incluso máis a miúdo ca físicas.
incluso máis a miúdo ca físicas.
Feridas coma o fracaso,
o rexeitamento ou a soidade.
o rexeitamento ou a soidade.
02:38
injuries like failure
or rejection or loneliness.
or rejection or loneliness.
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E estas tamén poden empeorar,
se as ignoramos,
se as ignoramos,
02:43
And they can also get
worse if we ignore them,
worse if we ignore them,
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e poden afectar as nosas vidas
de xeito dramático.
de xeito dramático.
02:46
and they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways.
in dramatic ways.
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E malia estaren cientificamente
demostradas técnicas que podemos empregar
demostradas técnicas que podemos empregar
02:49
And yet, even though there are
scientifically proven techniques
scientifically proven techniques
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02:53
we could use to treat these
kinds of psychological injuries,
kinds of psychological injuries,
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para tratar este tipo
de afeccións psicolóxicas,
de afeccións psicolóxicas,
02:57
we don't.
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non o facemos.
02:59
It doesn't even occur to us
that we should.
that we should.
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Nin sequera se nos ocorre
que deberiamos facelo.
que deberiamos facelo.
03:02
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
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"Vaia, estás deprimido? Esquéceo;
está todo na túa cabeza".
está todo na túa cabeza".
03:06
Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg:
to somebody with a broken leg:
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Imaxinades dicirlle iso
a alguén cunha perna rota?
a alguén cunha perna rota?
"Oh, tira para adiante;
está todo na túa perna".
está todo na túa perna".
03:10
"Oh, just walk it off;
it's all in your leg."
it's all in your leg."
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03:13
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
É hora de enchermos a fenda entre
a saúde física e a psicolóxica.
a saúde física e a psicolóxica.
03:15
It is time we closed the gap between
our physical and our psychological health.
our physical and our psychological health.
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03:21
It's time we made them more equal,
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É hora de facérmolas máis iguais,
03:24
more like twins.
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máis coma xemelgas.
03:27
Speaking of which,
my brother is also a psychologist.
my brother is also a psychologist.
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Falando diso, o meu irmán
tamén é psicólogo.
tamén é psicólogo.
03:30
So he's not a real doctor, either.
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Así que tampouco é un doutor de verdade.
(Risas)
03:33
(Laughter)
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03:35
We didn't study together, though.
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Porén, non estudamos xuntos.
03:37
In fact, the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life
I've ever done in my life
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De feito, o máis difícil
que fixen na miña vida,
que fixen na miña vida,
03:41
is move across the Atlantic
to New York City
to New York City
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foi cruzar o Atlántico ata Nova York
para obter o meu doutoramento
en Psicoloxía.
en Psicoloxía.
03:44
to get my doctorate in psychology.
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Daquela estivemos separados
por primeira vez nas nosas vidas,
por primeira vez nas nosas vidas,
03:47
We were apart then
for the first time in our lives,
for the first time in our lives,
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e o afastamento foi brutal para os dous.
03:50
and the separation was
brutal for both of us.
brutal for both of us.
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03:54
But while he remained among
family and friends,
family and friends,
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Pero mentres que el ficou
entre a familia e os amigos,
entre a familia e os amigos,
03:57
I was alone in a new country.
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eu estaba só nun novo país.
Estrañabámonos terriblemente,
04:00
We missed each other terribly,
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mais as chamadas internacionais
eran realmente caras daquela,
eran realmente caras daquela,
04:02
but international phone calls were
really expensive then
really expensive then
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e só podiamos aforrar para falarmos
durante cinco minutos á semana.
durante cinco minutos á semana.
04:05
and we could only afford to speak
for five minutes a week.
for five minutes a week.
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04:09
When our birthday rolled around,
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Cando chegou o noso aniversario,
--o primeiro que non
puidemos pasar xuntos.
puidemos pasar xuntos.
04:12
it was the first we wouldn't
be spending together.
be spending together.
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Decidimos desbaldir, e esa semana
iamos falar dez minutos.
iamos falar dez minutos.
04:14
We decide to splurge, and that week
we would talk for 10 minutes.
we would talk for 10 minutes.
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04:19
I spent the morning pacing around my room,
waiting for him to call --
waiting for him to call --
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Pasei a mañá dando voltas polo cuarto,
esperando a que chamara,
esperando a que chamara,
04:23
and waiting and waiting,
but the phone didn't ring.
but the phone didn't ring.
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esperando e esperando,
pero o teléfono non soou.
pero o teléfono non soou.
04:29
Given the time difference, I assumed,
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Dada a diferenza horaria, supuxen:
"Vale, está por aí cos amigos,
xa chamará máis tarde".
xa chamará máis tarde".
04:32
"Ok, he's out with friends,
he will call later."
he will call later."
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Non había móbiles daquela.
04:34
There were no cell phones then.
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04:36
But he didn't.
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Pero non o fixo.
04:39
And I began to realize that after
being away for over 10 months,
being away for over 10 months,
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E eu comecei a darme conta de que despois
de estar fóra máis de dez meses,
de estar fóra máis de dez meses,
04:44
he no longer missed me
the way I missed him.
the way I missed him.
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xa non me estrañaba da mesma
maneira en que eu o facía.
maneira en que eu o facía.
04:47
I knew he would call in the morning,
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Sabía que chamaría pola mañá,
pero esa noite foi unha das máis tristes
e longas da miña vida.
e longas da miña vida.
04:49
but that night was one of the
saddest and longest nights of my life.
saddest and longest nights of my life.
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04:56
I woke up the next morning.
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Espertei á mañá seguinte.
Boteille unha ollada ao teléfono,
e deime conta de que o descolgara
e deime conta de que o descolgara
04:58
I glanced down at the phone, and
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
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05:03
when pacing the day before.
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sen querer mentres paseaba o día anterior.
05:06
I stumbled out off bed,
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Saín a tombos da cama,
colgueino ben,
e soou un segundo despois,
e soou un segundo despois,
05:08
I put the phone back on the receiver,
and it rang a second later,
and it rang a second later,
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05:11
and it was my brother,
and, boy, was he pissed.
and, boy, was he pissed.
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e era o meu irmán, e meus,
estaba moi cabreado.
estaba moi cabreado.
(Risas)
05:15
(Laughter)
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Fora a máis triste e longa noite
da súa vida tamén.
da súa vida tamén.
05:17
It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well.
night of his life as well.
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05:20
Now I tried to explain what
happened, but he said,
happened, but he said,
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Intentei explicarlle
o que acontecera, pero dixo:
o que acontecera, pero dixo:
05:23
"I don't understand.
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
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"Non o entendo. Se viches que non chamaba,
05:26
why didn't you just pick up
the phone and call me?"
the phone and call me?"
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por que non colliches o teléfono
e me chamaches ti a min?"
e me chamaches ti a min?"
Levaba razón. Por que non o chamei eu?
05:31
He was right. Why didn't I call him?
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Non tiven a resposta xacando,
mais si a teño hoxe.
mais si a teño hoxe.
05:35
I didn't have an answer then,
but I do today,
but I do today,
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05:38
and it's a simple one: loneliness.
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E é simple:
Soidade.
A soidade crea unha profunda
ferida psicolóxica,
ferida psicolóxica,
05:43
Loneliness creates a
deep psychological wound,
deep psychological wound,
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05:47
one that distorts our perceptions
and scrambles our thinking.
and scrambles our thinking.
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unha que distorsiona as nosas percepcións
e embarulla o noso pensamento.
e embarulla o noso pensamento.
05:51
It makes us believe that those around us
care much less than they actually do.
care much less than they actually do.
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Fainos crer que a aqueles que nos rodean
lles importamos moito menos do que é.
lles importamos moito menos do que é.
05:57
It make us really afraid to reach out,
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Iso fainos ter medo a abrirnos aos demais,
pois por que expoñerte ao rexeitamento
e á angustia cando o corazón
e á angustia cando o corazón
06:00
because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache
for rejection and heartache
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06:03
when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand?
more than you can stand?
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xa está padecendo máis
do que podes aturar?
do que podes aturar?
06:08
I was in the grips of real
loneliness back then,
loneliness back then,
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Eu estiven ao bordo
da verdadeira soidade daquela,
da verdadeira soidade daquela,
mais estaba rodeado de xente todo o día,
polo que non chegou a pasarme.
polo que non chegou a pasarme.
06:11
but I was surrounded by people all day,
so it never occurred to me.
so it never occurred to me.
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06:16
But loneliness is defined
purely subjectively.
purely subjectively.
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Mais a soidade defínese
en termos estritamente subxectivos.
en termos estritamente subxectivos.
Depende unicamente de se te sentes
06:20
It depends solely on whether you feel
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06:23
emotionally or socially disconnected
from those around you.
from those around you.
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emocional ou socialmente desconectado
dos que están ao teu redor.
dos que están ao teu redor.
06:27
And I did.
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E eu sentíame así.
06:28
There is a lot of research on loneliness,
and all of it is horrifying.
and all of it is horrifying.
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Hai unha morea de investigacións sobre
a soidade, e todas elas son arrepiantes.
a soidade, e todas elas son arrepiantes.
06:35
Loneliness won't just make you
miserable, it will kill you.
miserable, it will kill you.
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A soidade non só te fará infeliz,
tamén te matará.
tamén te matará.
06:39
I'm not kidding.
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Non estou de chanza.
06:40
Chronic loneliness increases your
likelihood of an early death
likelihood of an early death
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A soidade crónica incrementa a
probabilidade de morte prematura
probabilidade de morte prematura
nun 14 por cento.
06:44
by 14 percent.
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Un 14 por cento!
06:48
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
high cholesterol.
high cholesterol.
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A soidade provoca hipertensión
sanguínea e colesterol alto.
sanguínea e colesterol alto.
Incluso inhibe o funcionamento
do sistema inmunitario,
do sistema inmunitario,
06:52
It even suppress the functioning
of your immune system,
of your immune system,
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06:56
making you vulnerable to all kinds
of illnesses and diseases.
of illnesses and diseases.
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facéndoo a un vulnerable a todo tipo
de enfermidades e doenzas.
de enfermidades e doenzas.
De feito, científicos concluíron
que en conxunto,
que en conxunto,
07:00
In fact, scientists have concluded
that taken together,
that taken together,
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a soidade crónica causa
un risco tan significativo
un risco tan significativo
07:04
chronic loneliness poses as
significant a risk
significant a risk
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para a saúde a longo prazo
e a lonxevidade coma fumar.
e a lonxevidade coma fumar.
07:07
for your longterm health and
longevity as cigarette smoking.
longevity as cigarette smoking.
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Agora os paquetes de cigarros veñen
con advertencias que din:
con advertencias que din:
07:12
Now cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you."
saying, "This could kill you."
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"Isto podería matarte".
Pero a soidade non.
07:17
But loneliness doesn't.
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E por iso é tan importante que
prioricemos a saúde psicolóxica,
prioricemos a saúde psicolóxica,
07:19
And that's why it's so important that
we prioritize our psychological health,
we prioritize our psychological health,
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07:23
that we practice emotional hygiene.
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que practiquemos hixiene emocional.
07:27
Because you can't treat
a psychological wound
a psychological wound
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Porque non podes tratar
unha ferida psicolóxica
unha ferida psicolóxica
se nin sequera sabes que estás ferido.
07:30
if you don't even know you're injured.
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[Préstalle atención á dor emocional]
A soidade non é a única ferida psicolóxica
que distorsiona as nosas percepcións
que distorsiona as nosas percepcións
07:34
Loneliness isn't the only
psychological wound
psychological wound
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07:36
that distorts our perceptions
and misleads us.
and misleads us.
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e nos confunde.
O fracaso tamén o fai.
07:40
Failure does that as well.
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Unha vez visitei unha gardería,
onde vin tres cativos a brincar
onde vin tres cativos a brincar
07:43
I once visited a day care center,
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07:46
where I saw three toddlers
play with identical plastic toys.
play with identical plastic toys.
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con xoguetes de plástico idénticos.
Había que mover o botón vermello
e saía un cadeliño.
e saía un cadeliño.
07:51
You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggie would pop out.
and a cute doggie would pop out.
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Unha neniña tentou tirar do botón morado,
logo premelo e despois simplemente sentou
logo premelo e despois simplemente sentou
07:55
One little girl tried pulling the
purple button, then pushing it,
purple button, then pushing it,
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08:00
and then she just sat back and looked
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
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e mirou para a caixa,
co beizo inferior tremendo.
co beizo inferior tremendo.
08:04
The little boy next to her
watched this happen,
watched this happen,
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O meniño do lado viu o que aconteceu,
logo volveuse para a súa caixa
logo volveuse para a súa caixa
08:08
then turned to his box and and burst
into tears without even touching it.
into tears without even touching it.
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e deu en chorar sen tan sequera tocala.
Mentres tanto, outra rapaciña probou
todo canto se lle ocorreu,
todo canto se lle ocorreu,
08:13
Meanwhile, another little girl tried
everything she could think of
everything she could think of
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08:16
until she slid the red button,
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ata que desprazou o botón vermello,
o cadeliño saltou, e ela reloucou.
o cadeliño saltou, e ela reloucou.
08:18
the cute doggie popped out,
and she squealed with delight.
and she squealed with delight.
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Ou sexa, tres cativos con
xoguetes de plástico idénticos,
xoguetes de plástico idénticos,
08:22
So three toddlers with
identical plastic toys,
identical plastic toys,
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08:25
but with very different
reactions to failure.
reactions to failure.
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pero con moi distintas
reaccións ao fracaso.
reaccións ao fracaso.
Os dous primeiros nenos
eran perfectamente capaces
eran perfectamente capaces
08:29
The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button.
capable of sliding a red button.
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de mover o botón vermello.
08:34
The only thing that prevented
them from succeeding
them from succeeding
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O único que lles impediu facelo
foi que a súa mente os enganou,
foi que a súa mente os enganou,
08:37
was that their mind tricked them
into believing they could not.
into believing they could not.
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facéndolles crer que non poderían.
08:41
Now, adults get tricked this way
as well, all the time.
as well, all the time.
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Aos adultos tamén
nos enganan así, todo o tempo.
nos enganan así, todo o tempo.
De feito, todos nós temos un xogo
de sentimentos e crenzas predeterminado
de sentimentos e crenzas predeterminado
08:45
In fact, we all have a default set of
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
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que se desencadea cando nos atopamos
con frustracións e reveses.
con frustracións e reveses.
08:52
whenever we encounter
frustrations and setbacks.
frustrations and setbacks.
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Son conscientes de como
a súa mente reacciona ao fracaso?
a súa mente reacciona ao fracaso?
08:55
Are you aware of how
your mind reacts to failure?
your mind reacts to failure?
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08:58
You need to be.
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Necesitan selo.
Porque se a mente trata de convencelos
de que son incapaces de algo e o cren,
de que son incapaces de algo e o cren,
09:00
Because if your mind tries to convince you
you're incapable of something
you're incapable of something
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09:04
and you believe it,
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entón, como aqueles dous cativos,
comezarán a sentirse impotentes
comezarán a sentirse impotentes
09:05
then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless
you'll begin to feel helpless
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e pronto deixarán de intentalo tamén,
ou nin sequera probarán en absoluto.
ou nin sequera probarán en absoluto.
09:09
and you'll stop trying too soon,
or you won't even try at all.
or you won't even try at all.
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E despois estarán aínda máis convencidos
de que non poden ter éxito.
de que non poden ter éxito.
09:12
And then you'll be even more
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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Como ven, este é o motivo
polo que moita xente
polo que moita xente
09:15
You see, that's why so many people
function below their actual potential.
function below their actual potential.
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rende por debaixo do seu potencial real.
09:20
Because somewhere along the way,
sometimes a single failure
sometimes a single failure
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Porque nalgún punto do camiño,
ás veces un único fracaso
ás veces un único fracaso
09:24
convinced them that they couldn't
succeed, and they believed it.
succeed, and they believed it.
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os convenceu de que
non poderían triunfar, e crérono.
non poderían triunfar, e crérono.
09:27
Once we become convinced of something,
it's very difficult to change our mind.
it's very difficult to change our mind.
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Unha vez que nos convencemos de algo,
é moi difícil mudar a maneira de pensar.
é moi difícil mudar a maneira de pensar.
Eu aprendín esta lección á forza
cando era adolescente, co meu irmán.
cando era adolescente, co meu irmán.
09:33
I learned that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager with my brother.
when I was a teenager with my brother.
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Estabamos conducindo con amigos
por unha escura estrada de noite,
por unha escura estrada de noite,
09:38
We were driving with friends
down a dark road at night,
down a dark road at night,
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cando un coche de policía nos parou.
09:41
when a police car stopped us.
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09:42
There had been a robbery in the area
and they were looking for suspects.
and they were looking for suspects.
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Houbera un roubo pola zona
e estaban buscando sospeitosos.
e estaban buscando sospeitosos.
09:46
The officer approached the car, and he
shined his flashlight on the driver,
shined his flashlight on the driver,
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O axente achegouse ao coche
e alumeou coa lanterna ao condutor,
e alumeou coa lanterna ao condutor,
09:50
then on my brother in the front seat,
and then on me.
and then on me.
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logo ao meu irmán, no asento do copiloto
e despois a min.
e despois a min.
Os seus ollos abríronse moito e dixo:
09:54
And his eyes opened wide and he said,
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09:56
"Where have I seen your face before?"
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"Onde vin eu esa cara antes?".
09:58
(Laughter)
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(Risas)
E eu dixen: "No asento de adiante".
10:02
And I said, "In the front seat."
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(Risas)
10:05
(Laughter)
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10:08
But that made no sense
to him whatsoever.
to him whatsoever.
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Pero iso non lle tiña sentido ningún,
así que pensou que eu estaba drogado.
así que pensou que eu estaba drogado.
10:10
So now he thought I was on drugs.
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(Risas)
10:13
(Laughter)
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E sacoume do vehículo, rexistroume
e levoume dereito ao coche patrulla,
e levoume dereito ao coche patrulla,
10:14
So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me,
he searches me,
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10:16
he marches me over to the police car,
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e só cando comprobou
que non tiña antecedentes,
que non tiña antecedentes,
10:18
and only when he verified
I didn't have a police record,
I didn't have a police record,
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10:21
could I show him
I had a twin in the front seat.
I had a twin in the front seat.
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puiden ensinarlle que tiña un xemelgo
no asento de adiante.
no asento de adiante.
10:26
But even as we were driving away,
you could see by the look on his face
you could see by the look on his face
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Pero aínda cando estabamos marchando
podía verse pola expresión da súa cara
podía verse pola expresión da súa cara
10:29
he was convinced that I was
getting away with something.
getting away with something.
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que estaba convencido de que
me estaba a zafar de algo.
me estaba a zafar de algo.
(Risas)
10:34
Our mind is hard to change
once we become convinced.
once we become convinced.
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A nosa mente é difícil de cambiar
unha vez que estamos convencidos.
unha vez que estamos convencidos.
Pode ser moi normal sentirse desmoralizado
e derrotado despois de fracasar.
e derrotado despois de fracasar.
10:38
So it might be very natural to feel
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
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10:43
But you cannot allow yourself to become
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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Pero non poden deixarse autoconvencer
de que non poden ter éxito.
de que non poden ter éxito.
Teñen que combater os sentimentos
de imposibilidade.
de imposibilidade.
10:48
You have to fight
feelings of helplessness.
feelings of helplessness.
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10:50
You have to gain control
over the situation.
over the situation.
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Teñen que recuperar
o control da situación.
o control da situación.
E romper esta especie de círculo negativo
antes de que comece.
antes de que comece.
10:54
And you have to break this kind of
negative cycle before it begins.
negative cycle before it begins.
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[Deter a hemorraxia emocional]
As nosas mentes e pensamentos non son
os amigos confiables que criamos que eran.
os amigos confiables que criamos que eran.
11:00
Our minds and our feelings,
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11:02
they're not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were.
we thought they were.
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Máis ben son coma un amigo inestable
que pode ser moi comprensivo nun momento,
que pode ser moi comprensivo nun momento,
11:05
They are more like a really moody friend,
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11:08
who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next.
and really unpleasant the next.
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e totalmente antipático no seguinte.
11:13
I once worked with this woman
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Unha vez traballei cunha muller
que despois de vinte anos de matrimonio
que despois de vinte anos de matrimonio
11:15
who after 20 years marriage
and an extremely ugly divorce,
and an extremely ugly divorce,
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e un divorcio extremadamente desagradable,
11:19
was finally ready for her first date.
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estaba por fin preparada
para a súa primeira cita.
para a súa primeira cita.
11:22
She had met this guy online, and he
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
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Coñecera a un tipo por internet,
e el parecía agradable e exitoso,
e el parecía agradable e exitoso,
e o máis importante, parecía
que ela lle gustaba de verdade.
que ela lle gustaba de verdade.
11:26
and most importantly,
he seemed really into her.
he seemed really into her.
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Por iso, estaba moi emocionada,
mercou un vestido novo
mercou un vestido novo
11:30
So she was very excited,
she bought a new dress,
she bought a new dress,
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e quedaron nun exclusivo bar de Nova York
para tomar algo.
para tomar algo.
11:33
and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink.
New York City bar for a drink.
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Ao cabo de dez minutos de cita,
o home ergueuse e dixo:
o home ergueuse e dixo:
11:37
Ten minutes into the date,
the man stands up and says,
the man stands up and says,
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11:41
"I'm not interested," and walks out.
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"Non estou interesado"
E marchou.
11:45
Rejection is extremely painful.
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[REXEITAMENTO]
O rexeitamento é extremadamente doloroso.
A muller estaba tan doída
que non puido nin moverse.
que non puido nin moverse.
11:49
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.
All she could do was call a friend.
All she could do was call a friend.
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Todo que deu feito foi chamar a un amigo.
11:54
Here's what the friend said:
"Well, what do you expect?
"Well, what do you expect?
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E velaquí o que este lle dixo:
"Ben, que esperabas? Tes moita cadeira,
non tes nada interesante do que falar,
non tes nada interesante do que falar,
11:58
You have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say,
you have nothing interesting to say,
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12:02
why would a handsome,
successful man like that
successful man like that
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por que ía un home atractivo e de éxito
coma ese saír cunha perdedora coma ti?
coma ese saír cunha perdedora coma ti?
12:04
ever go out with a loser like you?"
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Impresionante, non si,
que un amigo poida ser tan cruel?
que un amigo poida ser tan cruel?
12:08
Shocking, right, that a friend
could be so cruel?
could be so cruel?
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12:12
But it would be much less shocking
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Mais seríao moito menos se vos digo
que non foi o amigo quen tal dixo.
que non foi o amigo quen tal dixo.
12:14
if I told you it wasn't
the friend who said that.
the friend who said that.
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12:17
It's what the woman said to herself.
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Foi o que a muller se dixo a si mesma.
12:20
And that's something we all do,
especially after a rejection.
especially after a rejection.
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E isto é algo que todos facemos,
especialmente despois dun rexeitamento.
especialmente despois dun rexeitamento.
12:25
We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings,
and all our shortcomings,
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Todos nós comezamos a pensar
sobre todos os nosos fallos e defectos,
sobre todos os nosos fallos e defectos,
12:28
what we wish we were,
what we wish we weren't,
what we wish we weren't,
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o que desexariamos ser e o que non,
insultámonos a nós mesmos.
insultámonos a nós mesmos.
12:30
we call ourselves names.
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12:32
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.
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Talvez non con tanta dureza,
pero todos o facemos.
pero todos o facemos.
E é curioso que o fagamos,
porque a nosa autoestima xa está danada.
porque a nosa autoestima xa está danada.
12:35
And it's interesting that we do, because
our self-esteem is already hurting.
our self-esteem is already hurting.
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Por que iamos querer collela
e danala aínda máis?
e danala aínda máis?
12:40
Why would we want to go
and damage it even further?
and damage it even further?
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Non empeorariamos á mantenta
unha ferida física.
unha ferida física.
12:43
We wouldn't make a physical injury
worse on purpose.
worse on purpose.
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12:45
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm
and decide, "Oh, I know!
and decide, "Oh, I know!
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Non vos cortades nun brazo e dicides:
"Ah, xa sei! Vou coller un coitelo
e ver canto máis profundo o podo facer".
e ver canto máis profundo o podo facer".
12:48
I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper I can make it."
how much deeper I can make it."
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Pero facémolo seguido coas feridas
psicolóxicas.
psicolóxicas.
12:52
But we do that with psychological
injuries all the time.
injuries all the time.
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12:55
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
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Por que? Por unha hixiene emocional pobre.
Porque non priorizamos
a nosa saúde psicolóxica.
a nosa saúde psicolóxica.
12:59
Because we don't prioritize
our psychological health.
our psychological health.
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13:02
We know from dozens of studies
that when your self-esteem is lower,
that when your self-esteem is lower,
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Sabemos por ducias de estudos
que cando a autoestima está baixa,
que cando a autoestima está baixa,
13:06
you are more vulnerable to
stress and to anxiety,
stress and to anxiety,
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es máis vulnerable
ao estrés e á ansiedade,
ao estrés e á ansiedade,
que fracasos e rexeitamentos feren máis
e leva máis tempo recuperarse deles.
e leva máis tempo recuperarse deles.
13:09
that failures and rejections hurt more
and it takes longer to recover from them.
and it takes longer to recover from them.
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13:15
So when you get rejected,
the first thing you should be doing
the first thing you should be doing
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Así que cando te rexeitan,
o primeiro que deberías facer
o primeiro que deberías facer
13:18
is to revive your self-esteem, not
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
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é recuperar a túa autoestima,
non unirte ao Club da Loita e mallar nela.
non unirte ao Club da Loita e mallar nela.
13:24
When you're in emotional pain,
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Cando sofres dor emocional,
trátate coa mesma compaixón
trátate coa mesma compaixón
13:27
treat yourself with the same compassion
you would expect from a truly good friend.
you would expect from a truly good friend.
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que esperarías por parte
dun verdadeiro bo amigo.
dun verdadeiro bo amigo.
[Protexe a túa autoestima]
13:35
We have to catch our unhealthy
psychological habits and change them.
psychological habits and change them.
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Temos que coller os nosos malsáns hábitos
psicolóxicos e trocalos.
psicolóxicos e trocalos.
13:39
One of unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination.
is called rumination.
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Un dos máis prexudiciais e comúns
chámase «ruminación».
chámase «ruminación».
Rumiar quere dicir remoer.
13:44
To ruminate means to chew over.
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É cando o xefe che berra, ou o profesor
te fai sentir estúpido na clase,
te fai sentir estúpido na clase,
13:46
It's when your boss yells at you, or your
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
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13:51
or you have big fight with a friend
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ou tes unha gran rifa cun amigo,
e non podes deixar de reproducir
e non podes deixar de reproducir
13:53
and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days,
the scene in your head for days,
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a escena na cabeza durante días,
ás veces semanas, sen parar.
ás veces semanas, sen parar.
13:57
sometimes for weeks on end.
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Rumiar sobre sucesos angustiosos así
pode facilmente converterse nun hábito,
pode facilmente converterse nun hábito,
13:59
Ruminating about upsetting events
in this way can easily become a habit,
in this way can easily become a habit,
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5708
e é un moi custoso.
14:05
and it's a very costly one.
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Porque cando estás tanto tempo centrado
en pensamentos tristes e negativos,
en pensamentos tristes e negativos,
14:07
Because by spending so much time focused
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
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14:11
you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk
at significant risk
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realmente estaste a poñer
en risco significativo de desenvolver
en risco significativo de desenvolver
14:14
for developing clinical depression,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
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depresión clínica, alcoholismo,
desordes alimentarias
desordes alimentarias
14:19
and even cardiovascular disease.
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e incluso doenzas cardiovasculares.
14:22
The problem is the urge to ruminate can
feel really strong and really important,
feel really strong and really important,
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O problema é que a ansia de rumiar pode
sentirse con moita forza e intensidade,
sentirse con moita forza e intensidade,
polo que é un hábito difícil de abandonar.
14:28
so it's a difficult habit to stop.
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14:30
I know this for a fact,
because a little over a year ago,
because a little over a year ago,
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Eu seino ben, porque hai algo máis dun ano
eu mesmo desenvolvín este vezo.
eu mesmo desenvolvín este vezo.
14:33
I developed the habit myself.
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14:36
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
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Mirade, ao meu irmán diagnosticáronlle
un linfoma non-Hodking en estadio tres.
un linfoma non-Hodking en estadio tres.
14:42
His cancer was extremly aggressive.
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O seu cáncer foi extremadamente agresivo.
Tivo tumores visibles por todo o corpo.
14:45
He had visible tumors all over his body.
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E tivo que comezar un duro tratamento
de quimioterapia.
de quimioterapia.
14:48
And he had to start
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
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E eu non podía deixar de pensar
sobre se se estaba a ir.
sobre se se estaba a ir.
14:53
And I couldn't stop thinking about
what he was going through.
what he was going through.
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Non podía deixar de pensar
canto estaba sufrindo,
canto estaba sufrindo,
14:58
I couldn't stop thinking about
how much he was suffering,
how much he was suffering,
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15:01
even though he never complained, not once.
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aínda que non se queixaba,
nin unha soa vez.
nin unha soa vez.
El tiña unha actitude
enormemente positiva.
enormemente positiva.
15:06
He had this incredibly positive attitude.
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15:08
His psychological health was amazing.
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A súa saúde psicolóxica era sorprendente.
Eu estaba fisicamente san,
pero psicoloxicamente era un desastre.
pero psicoloxicamente era un desastre.
15:12
I was physically healthy,
but psychologically I was a mess.
but psychologically I was a mess.
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15:16
But I knew what to do.
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Pero sabía que facer.
Hai estudos que din que
unha distracción de dous minutos
unha distracción de dous minutos
15:18
Studies tell us that even a two-minute
distraction is sufficient
distraction is sufficient
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abonda para romper a necesidade
de rumiar nese momento.
de rumiar nese momento.
15:22
to break the urge to ruminate
in that moment.
in that moment.
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15:25
And so each time I had a worrying,
upsetting, negative thought,
upsetting, negative thought,
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Así, cada vez que tiña un pensamento
preocupante, triste ou negativo,
preocupante, triste ou negativo,
15:29
I forced myself to concentrate on
something else until the urge passed.
something else until the urge passed.
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forzábame a me concentrar
en calquera outra cousa
en calquera outra cousa
ata que a ansia pasara.
15:34
And within one week,
my whole outlook changed
my whole outlook changed
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E nunha semana,
a miña perspectiva enteira cambiara
a miña perspectiva enteira cambiara
e tornárase máis positiva
e máis esperanzada.
e máis esperanzada.
15:38
and became more positive
and more hopeful.
and more hopeful.
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[Combater pensamentos negativos]
Nove semanas despois de comezar a quimio,
ao meu irmán fixéronlle un TAC,
ao meu irmán fixéronlle un TAC,
15:43
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan,
my brother had a CAT scan,
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15:47
and I was by his side when
he got the results.
he got the results.
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e eu estaba con el
cando lle deron os resultados.
cando lle deron os resultados.
Todos os tumores desapareceran.
15:51
All the tumors were gone.
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Aínda lle quedaban tres sesións máis,
pero sabiamos que se recuperaría.
pero sabiamos que se recuperaría.
15:54
He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy to go,
of chemotherapy to go,
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15:57
but we knew he would recover.
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Esta foto tirouse hai dúas semanas.
15:59
This picture was taken two weeks ago.
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Actuando cando estás só,
16:05
By taking action when you're lonely,
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mudando a resposta ao fracaso,
16:08
by changing your responses to failure,
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conservando a autoestima,
16:12
by protecting your self-esteem,
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combatendo os pensamentos negativos,
16:15
by battling negative thinking,
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non só curarán as feridas psicolóxicas,
16:17
you won't just heal your
psychological wounds,
psychological wounds,
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16:19
you will build emotional resilience,
you will thrive.
you will thrive.
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tamén forxarán a resiliencia emocional,
desenvolveranse.
desenvolveranse.
Hai cen anos, a xente comezou a practicar
hixiene persoal, e a esperanza de vida
hixiene persoal, e a esperanza de vida
16:24
A hundred years ago,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
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16:28
and life expectancy rates rose
by over 50 percent
by over 50 percent
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aumentou por riba dun 50 por cento
en só unhas décadas.
en só unhas décadas.
16:33
in just a matter of decades.
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16:35
I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically
could rise just as dramatically
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Coido que a nosa calidade de vida
aumentaría de xeito igual de drástico
aumentaría de xeito igual de drástico
16:39
if we all began practicing
emotional hygiene.
emotional hygiene.
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se todos comezásemos a practicar
hixiene emocional.
hixiene emocional.
16:43
Can you imagine what
the world would be like
the world would be like
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Poden imaxinar como sería
o mundo se todos estivésemos
o mundo se todos estivésemos
16:45
if everyone was psychologically healthier?
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máis sans psicoloxicamente?
Se houbese menos soidade e depresión?
16:49
If there were less loneliness
and less depression?
and less depression?
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Se a xente soubera como superar o fracaso?
16:52
If people knew how to overcome failure?
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Se se sentisen mellor consigo mesmos
e máis fortes?
e máis fortes?
16:55
If they felt better about themselves
and more empowered?
and more empowered?
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16:58
If they were happier and more fulfilled?
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Se estivesen máis felices e realizados?
17:01
I can, because that's the world
I want to live in,
I want to live in,
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Eu podo, porque este
é o mundo en que quero vivir,
é o mundo en que quero vivir,
17:05
and that's the world my brother
wants to live in as well.
wants to live in as well.
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e é o mundo en que o meu irmán
quere vivir tamén.
quere vivir tamén.
E se comezades a ser conscientes
e a mudar uns poucos hábitos sinxelos,
e a mudar uns poucos hábitos sinxelos,
17:10
And if you just become informed
and change a few simple habits,
and change a few simple habits,
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17:14
well, that's the world we can all live in.
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este é o mundo en que todos podemos vivir.
17:18
Thank you very much.
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Moitas grazas.
17:20
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com