TEDxLinnaeusUniversity
Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid
盖 温驰: 为什么情绪急救势在必行
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Readability: 3.6
10,148,018 views
我们在感冒发痛时会去看医生。但为什么我们在经历类似心理伤痛时不去就医呢？盖温驰说我们此时大都独自疗伤。但这不是唯一出路。他有力的论证了为何我们应该像对待身体一样照料我们的情绪和心理健康。
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up with my identical twin,
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我和我的双胞胎哥哥一起长大，
00:18
who was an incredibly loving brother.
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他是个富有爱心的好兄弟。
00:21
Now, one thing about being a twin
is that it makes you an expert
is that it makes you an expert
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要知道，作为双胞胎，你很快
就在一件事上成为专家，
就在一件事上成为专家，
00:26
at spotting favoritism.
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就是注意到偏爱。
00:28
If his cookie was even slightly bigger
than my cookie, I had questions.
than my cookie, I had questions.
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如果他的饼干比我的大
哪怕一点点，我就会质疑。
哪怕一点点，我就会质疑。
00:34
And clearly, I wasn't starving.
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当然我也没被饿着。
00:38
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:40
When I became a psychologist, I began to
notice favoritism of a different kind,
notice favoritism of a different kind,
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当我成为一个心理学家，我开始
注意到另一种不同的偏爱，
注意到另一种不同的偏爱，
00:46
and that is how much more we
value the body than we do the mind.
value the body than we do the mind.
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那就是我们赋予我们的身体
比精神更多的价值。
比精神更多的价值。
00:52
I spent nine years at university earning
my doctorate in psychology,
my doctorate in psychology,
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我花了九年时间
获得心理学博士学位，
获得心理学博士学位，
00:58
and I can't tell you how many people
look at my business card and say,
look at my business card and say,
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但不知道有多少人看了我的名片说，
01:02
"Oh, a psychologist.
So not a real doctor,"
So not a real doctor,"
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“哦，心理学家，
原来不是真正的医生。”
原来不是真正的医生。”
01:07
as if it should say that on my card.
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就好像我的名片上就该明确说明似的。
01:10
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:15
This favoritism we show the body
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
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这种对身体多于精神的偏爱随处可见。
01:21
I recently was at a friend's house,
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我最近在朋友家，
01:23
and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed.
was getting ready for bed.
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他们五岁的小孩准备上床睡觉。
01:26
He was standing on a stool
by the sink brushing his teeth,
by the sink brushing his teeth,
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他站在小凳子上，
在水池边刷牙，
在水池边刷牙，
01:29
when he slipped, and scratched his leg
on the stool when he fell.
on the stool when he fell.
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然后他滑了一下，
摔倒的时候刮了他的腿。
摔倒的时候刮了他的腿。
01:33
He cried for a minute,
but then he got back up,
but then he got back up,
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他哭了一下，
随后就爬起来了，
随后就爬起来了，
01:36
got back on the stool, and reached out for
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
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站回小凳子上，拿了一个创可贴
贴在他的伤口上。
贴在他的伤口上。
01:43
Now, this kid could barely
tie his shoelaces,
tie his shoelaces,
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这孩子刚学会系鞋带儿，
01:47
but he knew you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become infected,
so it doesn't become infected,
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但他都知道要保护伤口以免感染，
01:51
and you have to care for
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
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同时还要一天刷两次牙来保护牙齿。
01:55
We all know how to maintain
our physical health
our physical health
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我们都知道怎样保持身体的健康
01:58
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
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还有怎样保持牙齿卫生，对不对？
02:00
We've known it since
we were five years old.
we were five years old.
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我们从五岁起就知道这些东西了。
02:04
But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health?
our psychological health?
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但是我们知道怎样
保持精神上的健康吗？
保持精神上的健康吗？
02:09
Well, nothing.
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完全不知道。
02:11
What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene?
about emotional hygiene?
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我们教给孩子们情绪保健吗？
02:16
Nothing.
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完全没有。
02:18
How is it that we spend more time
taking care of our teeth
taking care of our teeth
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为什么我们花在牙齿的时间
02:23
than we do our minds.
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比花在精神的时间上还多呢？
02:26
Why is it that our physical health is
so much more important to us
so much more important to us
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为什么我们那么重视身体健康
02:30
than our psychological health?
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远远多于心理健康呢？
02:33
We sustain psychological injuries
even more often than we do physical ones,
even more often than we do physical ones,
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我们承受心理上的伤害
比身体上的多得多，
比身体上的多得多，
02:38
injuries like failure
or rejection or loneliness.
or rejection or loneliness.
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例如失败，被拒绝，孤独。
02:43
And they can also get
worse if we ignore them,
worse if we ignore them,
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如果我们忽视它们，
情况也会恶化，
情况也会恶化，
02:46
and they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways.
in dramatic ways.
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它们同样会给我们的生活
带来重大的影响。
带来重大的影响。
02:49
And yet, even though there are
scientifically proven techniques
scientifically proven techniques
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然而，虽然有科学证实的疗法
02:53
we could use to treat these
kinds of psychological injuries,
kinds of psychological injuries,
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来帮助我们治疗
这些心理上的伤害，
这些心理上的伤害，
02:57
we don't.
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我们却不采取行动。
02:59
It doesn't even occur to us
that we should.
that we should.
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我们甚至都没意识到
我们应该采取行动。
我们应该采取行动。
03:02
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
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“哦，你感到抑郁么？
别去想了，都在你脑袋里。”
别去想了，都在你脑袋里。”
03:06
Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg:
to somebody with a broken leg:
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你能想象对一个
骨折了的人说这样的话吗？
骨折了的人说这样的话吗？
03:10
"Oh, just walk it off;
it's all in your leg."
it's all in your leg."
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“哦，走走就好了，都在你腿上。”
03:13
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:15
It is time we closed the gap between
our physical and our psychological health.
our physical and our psychological health.
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我们应该消除这种对身体和
精神健康的区别对待。
精神健康的区别对待。
03:21
It's time we made them more equal,
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应该把两者对等起来，
03:24
more like twins.
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像双胞胎一样。
03:27
Speaking of which,
my brother is also a psychologist.
my brother is also a psychologist.
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说起双胞胎，
我哥哥也是个心理医生。
我哥哥也是个心理医生。
03:30
So he's not a real doctor, either.
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所以他也不是真正的医生。
03:33
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:35
We didn't study together, though.
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我们不是在一起上的学。
03:37
In fact, the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life
I've ever done in my life
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事实上，我这辈子
经历过的最困难的事
经历过的最困难的事
03:41
is move across the Atlantic
to New York City
to New York City
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就是跨过大西洋搬到纽约
03:44
to get my doctorate in psychology.
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来读心理学的博士学位。
03:47
We were apart then
for the first time in our lives,
for the first time in our lives,
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那是我们俩第一次分隔两地，
03:50
and the separation was
brutal for both of us.
brutal for both of us.
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这个分离对我俩来说都很残酷。
03:54
But while he remained among
family and friends,
family and friends,
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当他和家人朋友一起时，
03:57
I was alone in a new country.
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我却孤单的在一个新的国度。
04:00
We missed each other terribly,
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我们都非常想念对方，
04:02
but international phone calls were
really expensive then
really expensive then
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但那时候国际长途都很贵
04:05
and we could only afford to speak
for five minutes a week.
for five minutes a week.
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我们一周只打的起五分钟的电话。
04:09
When our birthday rolled around,
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当我们生日快到了的时候，
04:12
it was the first we wouldn't
be spending together.
be spending together.
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那是我们第一个
没在一起过的生日。
没在一起过的生日。
04:14
We decide to splurge, and that week
we would talk for 10 minutes.
we would talk for 10 minutes.
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我们决定奢侈一把，
在那个星期聊上十分钟。
在那个星期聊上十分钟。
04:19
I spent the morning pacing around my room,
waiting for him to call --
waiting for him to call --
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我那天早上在房间里踱来踱去，
等着我哥哥给我打过来 －
等着我哥哥给我打过来 －
04:23
and waiting and waiting,
but the phone didn't ring.
but the phone didn't ring.
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我等啊等啊，电话就是不响。
04:29
Given the time difference, I assumed,
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由于时差的关系，我就想，
04:32
"Ok, he's out with friends,
he will call later."
he will call later."
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“好吧，他一定是和朋友在一起，
他晚点儿会打来的。”
他晚点儿会打来的。”
04:34
There were no cell phones then.
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那时候也没有手机。
04:36
But he didn't.
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但他始终没打来。
04:39
And I began to realize that after
being away for over 10 months,
being away for over 10 months,
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我开始意识到，
在我离开十个月以后，
在我离开十个月以后，
04:44
he no longer missed me
the way I missed him.
the way I missed him.
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他不再像我想他那样想我了。
04:47
I knew he would call in the morning,
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我知道他早上会打来，
04:49
but that night was one of the
saddest and longest nights of my life.
saddest and longest nights of my life.
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但那一晚是我一生中
最伤心，最漫长的一晚。
最伤心，最漫长的一晚。
04:56
I woke up the next morning.
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第二天一早醒来，
04:58
I glanced down at the phone, and
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
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我瞅了一眼电话，我意识到,
来回踱步时
来回踱步时
05:03
when pacing the day before.
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我把电话线踹下来了
05:06
I stumbled out off bed,
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我迷迷糊糊的跳下床，
05:08
I put the phone back on the receiver,
and it rang a second later,
and it rang a second later,
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我刚把电话插回接口，
一秒钟之后电话就响了。
一秒钟之后电话就响了。
05:11
and it was my brother,
and, boy, was he pissed.
and, boy, was he pissed.
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是我哥哥，他可气坏了。
05:15
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:17
It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well.
night of his life as well.
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那也是他一生中
最伤心漫长的一夜。
最伤心漫长的一夜。
05:20
Now I tried to explain what
happened, but he said,
happened, but he said,
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当我跟他解释事情的经过，他说，
05:23
"I don't understand.
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
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“我不明白。你看我没给你打，
05:26
why didn't you just pick up
the phone and call me?"
the phone and call me?"
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你为什么不打给我呢？”
05:31
He was right. Why didn't I call him?
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他说的对。
我为什么不打给他呢？
我为什么不打给他呢？
05:35
I didn't have an answer then,
but I do today,
but I do today,
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我当时无法解释，
但我现在明白了，
但我现在明白了，
05:38
and it's a simple one: loneliness.
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非常简单的原因：孤独。
05:43
Loneliness creates a
deep psychological wound,
deep psychological wound,
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孤独导致深重的心理创伤，
05:47
one that distorts our perceptions
and scrambles our thinking.
and scrambles our thinking.
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扭曲我们的感知能力，
剥夺我们的思考能力。
剥夺我们的思考能力。
05:51
It makes us believe that those around us
care much less than they actually do.
care much less than they actually do.
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它使我们相信
身边的人不再在乎我们。
身边的人不再在乎我们。
05:57
It make us really afraid to reach out,
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它使我们不敢与人联络，
06:00
because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache
for rejection and heartache
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为什么给自取其辱被拒绝呢？
06:03
when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand?
more than you can stand?
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你的心痛的还不够多么？
06:08
I was in the grips of real
loneliness back then,
loneliness back then,
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我那个时候被孤独紧紧包裹着，
06:11
but I was surrounded by people all day,
so it never occurred to me.
so it never occurred to me.
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但我总和别人在一起，
我自己都没意识到。
我自己都没意识到。
06:16
But loneliness is defined
purely subjectively.
purely subjectively.
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但孤独是完全从主观上定义的。
06:20
It depends solely on whether you feel
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它完全取决于你是否觉得
06:23
emotionally or socially disconnected
from those around you.
from those around you.
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在情绪上或是交际上
和你周围的人相隔绝。
和你周围的人相隔绝。
06:27
And I did.
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我当时是这样的。
06:28
There is a lot of research on loneliness,
and all of it is horrifying.
and all of it is horrifying.
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我们有很多关于孤独的研究，
都很可怕。
都很可怕。
06:35
Loneliness won't just make you
miserable, it will kill you.
miserable, it will kill you.
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孤独不仅让你觉得凄惨，
它还可能致死。
它还可能致死。
06:39
I'm not kidding.
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我可不是开玩笑。
06:40
Chronic loneliness increases your
likelihood of an early death
likelihood of an early death
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长期的孤独
会增加你早逝的可能性
会增加你早逝的可能性
06:44
by 14 percent.
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高达14%之多。
06:48
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
high cholesterol.
high cholesterol.
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孤独可能导致
高血压，高胆固醇。
高血压，高胆固醇。
06:52
It even suppress the functioning
of your immune system,
of your immune system,
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它甚至会影响你的免疫系统，
06:56
making you vulnerable to all kinds
of illnesses and diseases.
of illnesses and diseases.
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使你容易患上各种疾病。
07:00
In fact, scientists have concluded
that taken together,
that taken together,
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事实上，科学家已经得出结论，
07:04
chronic loneliness poses as
significant a risk
significant a risk
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长期的孤独对你的健康和长寿
07:07
for your longterm health and
longevity as cigarette smoking.
longevity as cigarette smoking.
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的负面影响比抽烟还要糟。
07:12
Now cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you."
saying, "This could kill you."
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香烟的包装上还有
“吸烟致命”的警句。
“吸烟致命”的警句。
07:17
But loneliness doesn't.
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可孤独没有。
07:19
And that's why it's so important that
we prioritize our psychological health,
we prioritize our psychological health,
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这就是我们为什么
要重视心理健康，
要重视心理健康，
07:23
that we practice emotional hygiene.
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要注意保持情绪健康。
07:27
Because you can't treat
a psychological wound
a psychological wound
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因为，你无法治愈心理上的创伤，
07:30
if you don't even know you're injured.
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如果你都不知道
自己受到了伤害的话。
自己受到了伤害的话。
07:34
Loneliness isn't the only
psychological wound
psychological wound
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孤独不是唯一
07:36
that distorts our perceptions
and misleads us.
and misleads us.
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可能扭曲及误导
我们的心理创伤。
我们的心理创伤。
07:40
Failure does that as well.
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失败也有同样效果。
07:43
I once visited a day care center,
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我曾访问过一个幼儿园，
07:46
where I saw three toddlers
play with identical plastic toys.
play with identical plastic toys.
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在那儿我观察了三个儿童,
在玩完全一样的塑料玩具。
在玩完全一样的塑料玩具。
07:51
You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggie would pop out.
and a cute doggie would pop out.
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你得把一个红色的钮滑开，
然后一个可爱的小狗就会跳出来。
然后一个可爱的小狗就会跳出来。
07:55
One little girl tried pulling the
purple button, then pushing it,
purple button, then pushing it,
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一个小女孩
对紫色的钮又拉又按，
对紫色的钮又拉又按，
08:00
and then she just sat back and looked
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
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然后她就坐下来，瞧着那盒子，
下嘴唇开始发颤。
下嘴唇开始发颤。
08:04
The little boy next to her
watched this happen,
watched this happen,
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她旁边的一个小男孩
看到这一幕，
看到这一幕，
08:08
then turned to his box and and burst
into tears without even touching it.
into tears without even touching it.
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再看着他的盒子，
都没动手就哇哇大哭了。
都没动手就哇哇大哭了。
08:13
Meanwhile, another little girl tried
everything she could think of
everything she could think of
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与此同时，
另一个小女孩试了各种方法
另一个小女孩试了各种方法
08:16
until she slid the red button,
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直到她滑动了那个红钮，
08:18
the cute doggie popped out,
and she squealed with delight.
and she squealed with delight.
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可爱的小狗跳了出来，
她开心的叫了起来。
她开心的叫了起来。
08:22
So three toddlers with
identical plastic toys,
identical plastic toys,
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同样的塑料玩具
给了这三个幼儿，
给了这三个幼儿，
08:25
but with very different
reactions to failure.
reactions to failure.
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但他们对失败的反应截然不同。
08:29
The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button.
capable of sliding a red button.
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前两个小孩完全
有能力滑动那个红钮。
有能力滑动那个红钮。
08:34
The only thing that prevented
them from succeeding
them from succeeding
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唯一阻止他们成功的因素
08:37
was that their mind tricked them
into believing they could not.
into believing they could not.
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就是他们被自己
做不成的想法给骗了。
做不成的想法给骗了。
08:41
Now, adults get tricked this way
as well, all the time.
as well, all the time.
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成年人也经常中这样的圈套。
08:45
In fact, we all have a default set of
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
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事实上，我们都有
一个固定的思维感知模式，
一个固定的思维感知模式，
08:52
whenever we encounter
frustrations and setbacks.
frustrations and setbacks.
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每当我们感到沮丧，受到挫折，
我们便会进入这个模式。
我们便会进入这个模式。
08:55
Are you aware of how
your mind reacts to failure?
your mind reacts to failure?
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你清不清楚你是怎么对应失败的？
08:58
You need to be.
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你应该清楚。
09:00
Because if your mind tries to convince you
you're incapable of something
you're incapable of something
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因为如果你的头脑告诉你
你不能做成什么事
你不能做成什么事
09:04
and you believe it,
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而你相信了的话，
09:05
then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless
you'll begin to feel helpless
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你就会像那前两个小孩似的，
开始感到无助
开始感到无助
09:09
and you'll stop trying too soon,
or you won't even try at all.
or you won't even try at all.
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然后你很快就放弃了，
甚至都不去试一下。
甚至都不去试一下。
09:12
And then you'll be even more
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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然后你就更加确信你成功不了。
09:15
You see, that's why so many people
function below their actual potential.
function below their actual potential.
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你看，这就是为什么那么多人
都无法充分发挥他们的潜能。
都无法充分发挥他们的潜能。
09:20
Because somewhere along the way,
sometimes a single failure
sometimes a single failure
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因为不一定在什么地方，
有那么一次失败
有那么一次失败
09:24
convinced them that they couldn't
succeed, and they believed it.
succeed, and they believed it.
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让他们认定了自己不能成功。
09:27
Once we become convinced of something,
it's very difficult to change our mind.
it's very difficult to change our mind.
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我们一旦被某件事说服，
往往就很难改变主意。
往往就很难改变主意。
09:33
I learned that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager with my brother.
when I was a teenager with my brother.
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我十几岁的时候，和我哥哥一起，
吃了点苦头才明白这道理。
吃了点苦头才明白这道理。
09:38
We were driving with friends
down a dark road at night,
down a dark road at night,
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有一天晚上，我俩和朋友们
在一条很黑的路上开着车。
在一条很黑的路上开着车。
09:41
when a police car stopped us.
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一辆警车把我们拦下了。
09:42
There had been a robbery in the area
and they were looking for suspects.
and they were looking for suspects.
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附近发生了抢劫，
警察在追踪嫌犯。
警察在追踪嫌犯。
09:46
The officer approached the car, and he
shined his flashlight on the driver,
shined his flashlight on the driver,
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警察走到车边，
对司机晃了晃手电筒，
对司机晃了晃手电筒，
09:50
then on my brother in the front seat,
and then on me.
and then on me.
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又照了照坐在副驾驶的我哥哥，
然后照到了我。
然后照到了我。
09:54
And his eyes opened wide and he said,
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他瞪大了眼睛说得，
09:56
"Where have I seen your face before?"
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“我在哪儿见过你？”
09:58
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
10:02
And I said, "In the front seat."
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我说，“副驾驶座上。”
10:05
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
10:08
But that made no sense
to him whatsoever.
to him whatsoever.
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但对他来说，
我的回答莫名其妙。
我的回答莫名其妙。
10:10
So now he thought I was on drugs.
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所以他认为我嗑了药。
10:13
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
10:14
So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me,
he searches me,
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于是他把我拖出车子，
又搜了我的身，
又搜了我的身，
10:16
he marches me over to the police car,
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他把我押到警车那儿，
10:18
and only when he verified
I didn't have a police record,
I didn't have a police record,
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直到他验证了
我并没有犯罪记录，
我并没有犯罪记录，
10:21
could I show him
I had a twin in the front seat.
I had a twin in the front seat.
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我才有机会解释
我和副驾驶座位上的是双胞胎。
我和副驾驶座位上的是双胞胎。
10:26
But even as we were driving away,
you could see by the look on his face
you could see by the look on his face
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但是直到我们开走了，
你仍可以看到他的表情
你仍可以看到他的表情
10:29
he was convinced that I was
getting away with something.
getting away with something.
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他认定我一定干了什么坏事。
10:34
Our mind is hard to change
once we become convinced.
once we become convinced.
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一旦我们认定了的事情，
我们很难改变看法。
我们很难改变看法。
10:38
So it might be very natural to feel
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
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所以当你失败了，
感觉士气低落是很自然的。
感觉士气低落是很自然的。
10:43
But you cannot allow yourself to become
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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但是你不能允许自己
相信你不可能成功。
相信你不可能成功。
10:48
You have to fight
feelings of helplessness.
feelings of helplessness.
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你要和那种无助的感觉斗争。
10:50
You have to gain control
over the situation.
over the situation.
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你要重新控制局面。
10:54
And you have to break this kind of
negative cycle before it begins.
negative cycle before it begins.
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而且你必须在
这种负能量循环开始前打破它。
这种负能量循环开始前打破它。
11:00
Our minds and our feelings,
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我们的想法和感觉，
11:02
they're not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were.
we thought they were.
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它们不是像我们想象的
那么忠诚的朋友。
那么忠诚的朋友。
11:05
They are more like a really moody friend,
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它们更像是一个非常情绪化的朋友，
11:08
who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next.
and really unpleasant the next.
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有时非常支持你，
而有时令人不愉快。
而有时令人不愉快。
11:13
I once worked with this woman
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我以前的一个女同事
11:15
who after 20 years marriage
and an extremely ugly divorce,
and an extremely ugly divorce,
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她结婚20年之后离婚了，
婚离的很惨烈，
婚离的很惨烈，
11:19
was finally ready for her first date.
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然后她终于准备好
开始新的约会了。
开始新的约会了。
11:22
She had met this guy online, and he
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
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她在网上认识了这个男的。
他看上去人很好，也很成功，
他看上去人很好，也很成功，
11:26
and most importantly,
he seemed really into her.
he seemed really into her.
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最重要的是，
他似乎对她非常感兴趣。
他似乎对她非常感兴趣。
11:30
So she was very excited,
she bought a new dress,
she bought a new dress,
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她非常兴奋，
还为约会买了新裙子，
还为约会买了新裙子，
11:33
and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink.
New York City bar for a drink.
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然后他们约在纽约的
一个高级酒吧里喝一杯。
一个高级酒吧里喝一杯。
11:37
Ten minutes into the date,
the man stands up and says,
the man stands up and says,
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约会才进行了10分钟，
那位男士站起来说，
那位男士站起来说，
11:41
"I'm not interested," and walks out.
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“我没兴趣了，” 然后就走了。
11:45
Rejection is extremely painful.
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被拒绝是极其痛苦的。
11:49
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.
All she could do was call a friend.
All she could do was call a friend.
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这位女士非常受伤，以致于都动不了了。
于是她给一个朋友打电话。
于是她给一个朋友打电话。
11:54
Here's what the friend said:
"Well, what do you expect?
"Well, what do you expect?
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她朋友是这样说的：
“那你还想怎样？
“那你还想怎样？
11:58
You have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say,
you have nothing interesting to say,
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你又胖又没有什么好聊的，
12:02
why would a handsome,
successful man like that
successful man like that
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为什么任何一个英俊的成功男士
12:04
ever go out with a loser like you?"
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会和你这样的失败者约会呢？“
12:08
Shocking, right, that a friend
could be so cruel?
could be so cruel?
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太不像话了，是不是，
朋友怎么可以这样冷酷无情？
朋友怎么可以这样冷酷无情？
12:12
But it would be much less shocking
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这或许听上去不太过分，
12:14
if I told you it wasn't
the friend who said that.
the friend who said that.
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要是我告诉你
这话不是朋友说的。
这话不是朋友说的。
12:17
It's what the woman said to herself.
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这其实是那位女士
对她自己说的。
对她自己说的。
12:20
And that's something we all do,
especially after a rejection.
especially after a rejection.
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我们都干过这事儿，
尤其是被拒绝之后。
尤其是被拒绝之后。
12:25
We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings,
and all our shortcomings,
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我们开始去想
我们犯的错，我们的缺点，
我们犯的错，我们的缺点，
12:28
what we wish we were,
what we wish we weren't,
what we wish we weren't,
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我们要是这样就好了，
我们要是不那样就好了，
我们要是不那样就好了，
12:30
we call ourselves names.
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我们给自己起外号。
12:32
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.
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也许程度不同，
但我们都干过这事。
但我们都干过这事。
12:35
And it's interesting that we do, because
our self-esteem is already hurting.
our self-esteem is already hurting.
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我们为什么会这样做。
我们的自尊已经被伤害了。
我们的自尊已经被伤害了。
12:40
Why would we want to go
and damage it even further?
and damage it even further?
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为什么我们要进一步伤害它呢？
12:43
We wouldn't make a physical injury
worse on purpose.
worse on purpose.
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要是身体受伤了，
我们不会故意去把它弄的更糟。
我们不会故意去把它弄的更糟。
12:45
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm
and decide, "Oh, I know!
and decide, "Oh, I know!
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你要是胳膊上有个伤口，
你不会说，“啊，我知道！
你不会说，“啊，我知道！
12:48
I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper I can make it."
how much deeper I can make it."
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我要拿刀看我到底能捅多深。“
12:52
But we do that with psychological
injuries all the time.
injuries all the time.
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3454
但是我们经常如此对待心理伤害。
12:55
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
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为什么？由于糟糕的心理保健意识。
12:59
Because we don't prioritize
our psychological health.
our psychological health.
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因为我们不重视心理健康。
13:02
We know from dozens of studies
that when your self-esteem is lower,
that when your self-esteem is lower,
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很多研究表明，
如果你的自尊心低落，
如果你的自尊心低落，
13:06
you are more vulnerable to
stress and to anxiety,
stress and to anxiety,
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你就更容易感到压力和焦虑，
13:09
that failures and rejections hurt more
and it takes longer to recover from them.
and it takes longer to recover from them.
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失败和拒绝会伤害你更深，
你也需要更多的时间复原。
你也需要更多的时间复原。
13:15
So when you get rejected,
the first thing you should be doing
the first thing you should be doing
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所以如果你被拒绝了，
首要的事情是应该
首要的事情是应该
13:18
is to revive your self-esteem, not
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
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重新激活你的自尊心，而不是
去拳击俱乐部打拳来发泄。
去拳击俱乐部打拳来发泄。
13:24
When you're in emotional pain,
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当你在经历感情上痛苦，
13:27
treat yourself with the same compassion
you would expect from a truly good friend.
you would expect from a truly good friend.
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像一个真正的好朋友那样同情你自己。
13:35
We have to catch our unhealthy
psychological habits and change them.
psychological habits and change them.
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我们需要改变
不健康的心理习惯。
不健康的心理习惯。
13:39
One of unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination.
is called rumination.
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最常见又最不健康的习惯之一
就是穷思竭虑。
就是穷思竭虑。
13:44
To ruminate means to chew over.
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就是事后反复咀嚼回味一件事。
13:46
It's when your boss yells at you, or your
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
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比如你的老板冲你发脾气了，
或是教授在课上让你感到愚蠢，
或是教授在课上让你感到愚蠢，
13:51
or you have big fight with a friend
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或是你和好朋友吵架了，
13:53
and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days,
the scene in your head for days,
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4417
然后你不断的在脑海里
回放当时的情况，好几天，
回放当时的情况，好几天，
13:57
sometimes for weeks on end.
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甚至好几个礼拜都不停。
13:59
Ruminating about upsetting events
in this way can easily become a habit,
in this way can easily become a habit,
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反复回味不愉快的事
很容易变成习惯，
很容易变成习惯，
14:05
and it's a very costly one.
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而这个习惯代价很大。
14:07
Because by spending so much time focused
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
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因为当你在不愉快和
负面的事情上花这么多时间，
负面的事情上花这么多时间，
14:11
you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk
at significant risk
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你把自己放在一个非常危险的境地，
14:14
for developing clinical depression,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
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4532
可能诱发抑郁症，酗酒，饮食失调，
14:19
and even cardiovascular disease.
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甚至心血管疾病。
14:22
The problem is the urge to ruminate can
feel really strong and really important,
feel really strong and really important,
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5870
问题在于那种反复回味的需要
会变得非常强烈，非常紧迫，
会变得非常强烈，非常紧迫，
14:28
so it's a difficult habit to stop.
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所以这种习惯会很难打破。
14:30
I know this for a fact,
because a little over a year ago,
because a little over a year ago,
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3372
我知道事实如此，
因为就在一年多以前，
因为就在一年多以前，
14:33
I developed the habit myself.
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我自己就经历了这个习惯。
14:36
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
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我的双胞胎哥哥
被确诊为三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。
被确诊为三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。
14:42
His cancer was extremly aggressive.
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他的癌症来势汹汹。
14:45
He had visible tumors all over his body.
240
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3771
全身都有看得到的肿瘤。
14:48
And he had to start
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
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4931
他要做一轮大剂量的化疗。
14:53
And I couldn't stop thinking about
what he was going through.
what he was going through.
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我情不自禁去想
他所经历的这一切。
他所经历的这一切。
14:58
I couldn't stop thinking about
how much he was suffering,
how much he was suffering,
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情不自禁去想
他受的这些罪，
他受的这些罪，
15:01
even though he never complained, not once.
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尽管他从没抱怨过，
一次都没有。
一次都没有。
15:06
He had this incredibly positive attitude.
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他有着这种不可思议的积极态度。
15:08
His psychological health was amazing.
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他的心理健康程度太了不起了。
15:12
I was physically healthy,
but psychologically I was a mess.
but psychologically I was a mess.
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我身体上很健康，
但心理上我那时是一团糟。
但心理上我那时是一团糟。
15:16
But I knew what to do.
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但我知道该怎样做。
15:18
Studies tell us that even a two-minute
distraction is sufficient
distraction is sufficient
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研究表明，
哪怕只是分心短短两分钟
哪怕只是分心短短两分钟
15:22
to break the urge to ruminate
in that moment.
in that moment.
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都足以打破那一刻
你穷思竭虑的需求。
你穷思竭虑的需求。
15:25
And so each time I had a worrying,
upsetting, negative thought,
upsetting, negative thought,
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所以每次当我担心，
烦恼，或带有负面情绪时，
烦恼，或带有负面情绪时，
15:29
I forced myself to concentrate on
something else until the urge passed.
something else until the urge passed.
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我就强迫自己专注于其他的事情，
直到那种感觉过去。
直到那种感觉过去。
15:34
And within one week,
my whole outlook changed
my whole outlook changed
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仅仅一周时间，
我的视角就全变了
我的视角就全变了
15:38
and became more positive
and more hopeful.
and more hopeful.
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变得更积极，更充满希望。
15:43
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan,
my brother had a CAT scan,
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做了化疗九周之后，
我哥哥做了电脑断层扫描，
我哥哥做了电脑断层扫描，
15:47
and I was by his side when
he got the results.
he got the results.
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出结果的时候，
我就在他身边。
我就在他身边。
15:51
All the tumors were gone.
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所有的肿瘤都消失了。
15:54
He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy to go,
of chemotherapy to go,
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他还得再做三轮化疗，
15:57
but we knew he would recover.
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但是我们知道他能恢复。
15:59
This picture was taken two weeks ago.
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这张照片是两周前照的。
16:05
By taking action when you're lonely,
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当你在孤独的时候采取行动，
16:08
by changing your responses to failure,
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当你改变对待失败的反应，
16:12
by protecting your self-esteem,
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当你保护自己的自尊心，
16:15
by battling negative thinking,
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当你与负面的想法做斗争，
16:17
you won't just heal your
psychological wounds,
psychological wounds,
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你不仅可以治愈心理上的创伤，
16:19
you will build emotional resilience,
you will thrive.
you will thrive.
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你会建立起情绪恢复能力，
你会变得更强。
你会变得更强。
16:24
A hundred years ago,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
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一百年以前，
人们开始注重个人卫生，
人们开始注重个人卫生，
16:28
and life expectancy rates rose
by over 50 percent
by over 50 percent
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人的寿命延长了50%还多
16:33
in just a matter of decades.
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这仅用了十年就实现了。
16:35
I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically
could rise just as dramatically
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我相信，我们的生活质量
也会有同样程度的提高
也会有同样程度的提高
16:39
if we all began practicing
emotional hygiene.
emotional hygiene.
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如果我们开始
关注情绪上的保健。
关注情绪上的保健。
16:43
Can you imagine what
the world would be like
the world would be like
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能想象一下么，
这个世界会是什么样子
这个世界会是什么样子
16:45
if everyone was psychologically healthier?
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如果每个人都在心理上更健康
16:49
If there were less loneliness
and less depression?
and less depression?
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如果世上少一些孤独和抑郁
16:52
If people knew how to overcome failure?
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如果人们了解
如何走出失败的阴影
如何走出失败的阴影
16:55
If they felt better about themselves
and more empowered?
and more empowered?
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如果人们更自信，充满力量。
16:58
If they were happier and more fulfilled?
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如果人们更幸福，更满足。
17:01
I can, because that's the world
I want to live in,
I want to live in,
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我能，因为那是一个
我想置身其中的世界，
我想置身其中的世界，
17:05
and that's the world my brother
wants to live in as well.
wants to live in as well.
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也是我哥哥想置身其中的世界。
17:10
And if you just become informed
and change a few simple habits,
and change a few simple habits,
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只要你了解这些知识，
并改变一些简单的习惯，
并改变一些简单的习惯，
17:14
well, that's the world we can all live in.
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那将是一个
我们都能置身其中的世界。
我们都能置身其中的世界。
17:18
Thank you very much.
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非常感谢。
17:20
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com