TEDxLinnaeusUniversity
Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid
Gaj Vinč (Guy Winch): Zašto svi treba da primenjujemo emocionalnu prvu pomoć
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Otići ćemo kod doktora kada se osećamo gripozno ili imamo uporan bol. Pa zašto ne otići kod stručnjaka kada osećamo emocionalni bol: krivicu, gubitak, usamljenost? Previše nas se bavi ovim čestim psihološko-zdravstvenim problemima na svoju ruku, kaže Gaj Vinč. Ali ne moramo tako. On ubedljivo prikazuje da treba praktikovati emocionalnu higijenu - brinuti se o našim emocijama, našem umu, sa istom revnošću sa kojom se staramo o našim telima.
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up with my identical twin,
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Odrastao sam
sa svojim identičnim blizancem
sa svojim identičnim blizancem
00:18
who was an incredibly loving brother.
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koji je izuzetan brat pun ljubavi.
00:21
Now, one thing about being a twin
is that it makes you an expert
is that it makes you an expert
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Jedna od stvari kad si blizanac
je da te to učini ekspertom
je da te to učini ekspertom
00:26
at spotting favoritism.
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za primećivanje favorizovanja.
00:28
If his cookie was even slightly bigger
than my cookie, I had questions.
than my cookie, I had questions.
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Kad bi njegov kolač bio malčice veći
od mog, postavljao bih pitanja.
od mog, postavljao bih pitanja.
00:34
And clearly, I wasn't starving.
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A očigledno je da nisam gladovao.
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:40
When I became a psychologist, I began to
notice favoritism of a different kind,
notice favoritism of a different kind,
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Kada sam postao psiholog, počeo sam
da primećujem drugu vrstu favorizovanja,
da primećujem drugu vrstu favorizovanja,
00:46
and that is how much more we
value the body than we do the mind.
value the body than we do the mind.
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a to je koliko više
vrednujemo telo od uma.
vrednujemo telo od uma.
00:52
I spent nine years at university earning
my doctorate in psychology,
my doctorate in psychology,
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Proveo sam devet godina na univerzitetu
stičući svoj doktorat iz psihologije,
stičući svoj doktorat iz psihologije,
00:58
and I can't tell you how many people
look at my business card and say,
look at my business card and say,
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i ne mogu da vam opišem koliko ljudi
pogleda moju vizit kartu i kaže:
pogleda moju vizit kartu i kaže:
01:02
"Oh, a psychologist.
So not a real doctor,"
So not a real doctor,"
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"O, psiholog. Znači niste pravi doktor."
01:07
as if it should say that on my card.
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kao da bi to trebalo da piše na njoj.
01:10
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:15
This favoritism we show the body
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
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Ovo favorizovanje tela nad umom
vidim svugde.
vidim svugde.
Nedavno sam bio u kući jednog prijatelja,
01:21
I recently was at a friend's house,
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01:23
and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed.
was getting ready for bed.
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i njihov petogodišnjak
se spremao za krevet.
se spremao za krevet.
01:26
He was standing on a stool
by the sink brushing his teeth,
by the sink brushing his teeth,
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Stajao je na stolici kraj lavaboa
perući zube,
perući zube,
01:29
when he slipped, and scratched his leg
on the stool when he fell.
on the stool when he fell.
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kada se okliznuo i ogrebao nogu
o stolicu kada je pao.
o stolicu kada je pao.
01:33
He cried for a minute,
but then he got back up,
but then he got back up,
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Plakao je minut, ali onda je ponovo ustao,
01:36
got back on the stool, and reached out for
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
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vratio se na stolicu, i posegao za kutijom
flastera da stavi jedan na posekotinu.
flastera da stavi jedan na posekotinu.
01:43
Now, this kid could barely
tie his shoelaces,
tie his shoelaces,
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Ovo dete jedva da može da veže pertle,
01:47
but he knew you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become infected,
so it doesn't become infected,
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ali zna da treba da zaštitite posekotinu
tako da se ne inficira,
tako da se ne inficira,
01:51
and you have to care for
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
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i da morate da se starate o zubima
tako što ćete ih prati dva puta dnevno.
tako što ćete ih prati dva puta dnevno.
01:55
We all know how to maintain
our physical health
our physical health
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Svi mi znamo
kako da održavamo fizičko zdravlje
kako da održavamo fizičko zdravlje
01:58
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
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i kako da obavljamo higijenu zuba, zar ne?
02:00
We've known it since
we were five years old.
we were five years old.
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Znamo to od svoje pete godine.
02:04
But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health?
our psychological health?
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Ali šta znamo o održavanju
našeg psihičkog zdravlja?
našeg psihičkog zdravlja?
02:09
Well, nothing.
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Pa, ništa.
02:11
What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene?
about emotional hygiene?
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Čemu učimo našu decu
u vezi sa emocionalnom higijenom?
u vezi sa emocionalnom higijenom?
02:16
Nothing.
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Ničemu.
02:18
How is it that we spend more time
taking care of our teeth
taking care of our teeth
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Kako to da provodimo više vremena
brinući o svojim zubima
brinući o svojim zubima
02:23
than we do our minds.
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nego o svom umu.
02:26
Why is it that our physical health is
so much more important to us
so much more important to us
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Zašto nam je fizičko zdravlje
toliko važnije
toliko važnije
02:30
than our psychological health?
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od psihičkog zdravlja?
02:33
We sustain psychological injuries
even more often than we do physical ones,
even more often than we do physical ones,
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Trpimo psihičke povrede
čak i češće nego fizičke,
čak i češće nego fizičke,
02:38
injuries like failure
or rejection or loneliness.
or rejection or loneliness.
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povrede poput neuspeha
ili odbacivanja i usamljenosti.
ili odbacivanja i usamljenosti.
02:43
And they can also get
worse if we ignore them,
worse if we ignore them,
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A one se mogu i pogoršati
ako ih ignorišemo,
ako ih ignorišemo,
02:46
and they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways.
in dramatic ways.
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i mogu drastično uticati na naše živote.
02:49
And yet, even though there are
scientifically proven techniques
scientifically proven techniques
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A ipak, iako postoje
naučno dokazane tehnike
naučno dokazane tehnike
02:53
we could use to treat these
kinds of psychological injuries,
kinds of psychological injuries,
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koje možemo koristiti da tretiramo
te psihičke povrede,
te psihičke povrede,
02:57
we don't.
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mi to ne činimo.
02:59
It doesn't even occur to us
that we should.
that we should.
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Čak nam ni ne pada na pamet da bi trebalo.
03:02
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
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"O, deprimiran si?
Samo se trgni, sve je to u tvojoj glavi."
Samo se trgni, sve je to u tvojoj glavi."
03:06
Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg:
to somebody with a broken leg:
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Možete li da zamislite da kažete to
nekome sa slomljenom nogom:
nekome sa slomljenom nogom:
03:10
"Oh, just walk it off;
it's all in your leg."
it's all in your leg."
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"O, samo se trgni,
sve je to u tvojoj nozi."
sve je to u tvojoj nozi."
03:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:15
It is time we closed the gap between
our physical and our psychological health.
our physical and our psychological health.
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Vreme je da zatvorimo jaz između
našeg fizičkog i psihičkog zdravlja.
našeg fizičkog i psihičkog zdravlja.
03:21
It's time we made them more equal,
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Vreme je da ih izjednačimo,
03:24
more like twins.
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kao blizance.
03:27
Speaking of which,
my brother is also a psychologist.
my brother is also a psychologist.
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Kad smo već kod toga,
moj brat je takođe psiholog.
moj brat je takođe psiholog.
03:30
So he's not a real doctor, either.
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Tako da ni on nije pravi doktor.
03:33
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:35
We didn't study together, though.
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Nismo studirali zajedno, doduše.
03:37
In fact, the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life
I've ever done in my life
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Zapravo, u životu mi je najteže bilo
03:41
is move across the Atlantic
to New York City
to New York City
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da se preselim preko Atlantika u Njujork
03:44
to get my doctorate in psychology.
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da bih stekao doktorat iz psihologije.
03:47
We were apart then
for the first time in our lives,
for the first time in our lives,
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Tada smo bili razdvojeni
prvi put u životu,
prvi put u životu,
03:50
and the separation was
brutal for both of us.
brutal for both of us.
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i razdvojenost je bila
grozna za obojicu.
grozna za obojicu.
03:54
But while he remained among
family and friends,
family and friends,
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Ali dok je on ostao
sa porodicom i prijateljima,
sa porodicom i prijateljima,
03:57
I was alone in a new country.
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ja sam bio sam u novoj zemlji.
Užasno smo nedostajali jedan drugom,
04:00
We missed each other terribly,
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04:02
but international phone calls were
really expensive then
really expensive then
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ali su međunarodni pozivi
tada bili stvarno skupi
tada bili stvarno skupi
04:05
and we could only afford to speak
for five minutes a week.
for five minutes a week.
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i mogli smo da priuštimo da pričamo
pet minuta nedeljno.
pet minuta nedeljno.
04:09
When our birthday rolled around,
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Kada je došao naš rođendan,
04:12
it was the first we wouldn't
be spending together.
be spending together.
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bio je to prvi
koji nećemo provesti zajedno.
koji nećemo provesti zajedno.
04:14
We decide to splurge, and that week
we would talk for 10 minutes.
we would talk for 10 minutes.
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Odlučili smo da se razmećemo
i te nedelje da pričamo 10 minuta.
i te nedelje da pričamo 10 minuta.
04:19
I spent the morning pacing around my room,
waiting for him to call --
waiting for him to call --
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Proveo sam jutro koračajući po sobi,
čekajući ga da pozove -
čekajući ga da pozove -
04:23
and waiting and waiting,
but the phone didn't ring.
but the phone didn't ring.
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i čekao sam i čekao,
ali telefon nije zvonio.
ali telefon nije zvonio.
04:29
Given the time difference, I assumed,
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S obzirom na vremensku razliku,
pretpostavio sam:
pretpostavio sam:
04:32
"Ok, he's out with friends,
he will call later."
he will call later."
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"Okej, izašao je sa prijateljima,
pozvaće kasnije."
pozvaće kasnije."
04:34
There were no cell phones then.
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Tada nije bilo mobilnih telefona.
04:36
But he didn't.
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Ali nije zvao.
04:39
And I began to realize that after
being away for over 10 months,
being away for over 10 months,
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I počeo sam da shvatam da nakon
razdvojenosti duže od 10 meseci,
razdvojenosti duže od 10 meseci,
04:44
he no longer missed me
the way I missed him.
the way I missed him.
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nisam mu više nedostajao
koliko je on meni.
koliko je on meni.
04:47
I knew he would call in the morning,
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Znao sam da će pozvati ujutru,
04:49
but that night was one of the
saddest and longest nights of my life.
saddest and longest nights of my life.
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ali ta noć je bila jedna od najtužnijih
i najdužih noći u mom životu.
i najdužih noći u mom životu.
04:56
I woke up the next morning.
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Probudio sam se narednog jutra.
04:58
I glanced down at the phone, and
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
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Bacio sam pogled na telefon
i shvatio sam da sam prevrnuo slušalicu
i shvatio sam da sam prevrnuo slušalicu
05:03
when pacing the day before.
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kada sam koračao prethodnog dana.
05:06
I stumbled out off bed,
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Zateturao sam se iz kreveta,
05:08
I put the phone back on the receiver,
and it rang a second later,
and it rang a second later,
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povezao sam telefon sa prijemnikom,
i zazvonio je sekundu kasnije,
i zazvonio je sekundu kasnije,
05:11
and it was my brother,
and, boy, was he pissed.
and, boy, was he pissed.
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bio je to moj brat,
i čoveče, koliko je bio ljut.
i čoveče, koliko je bio ljut.
05:15
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:17
It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well.
night of his life as well.
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To je bila najtužnija i najduža noć
i njegovog života.
i njegovog života.
05:20
Now I tried to explain what
happened, but he said,
happened, but he said,
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Pokušao sam da objasnim
šta se dogodilo, ali je rekao:
šta se dogodilo, ali je rekao:
05:23
"I don't understand.
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
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"Ne razumem. Ako si video da te ne zovem,
05:26
why didn't you just pick up
the phone and call me?"
the phone and call me?"
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zašto nisi prosto podigao telefon
i pozvao me?"
i pozvao me?"
05:31
He was right. Why didn't I call him?
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Bio je u pravu. Zašto ga nisam pozvao?
05:35
I didn't have an answer then,
but I do today,
but I do today,
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Nisam imao odgovor tada,
ali ga imam danas,
ali ga imam danas,
05:38
and it's a simple one: loneliness.
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i jednostavan je: usamljenost.
05:43
Loneliness creates a
deep psychological wound,
deep psychological wound,
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Usamljenost stvara duboku psihičku ranu
05:47
one that distorts our perceptions
and scrambles our thinking.
and scrambles our thinking.
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koja izopačuje naše opažanje
i izokreće naše mišljenje.
i izokreće naše mišljenje.
05:51
It makes us believe that those around us
care much less than they actually do.
care much less than they actually do.
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Čini da verujemo da je onima oko nas
mnogo manje stalo nego što jeste.
mnogo manje stalo nego što jeste.
05:57
It make us really afraid to reach out,
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Čini da smo uplašeni da posegnemo,
06:00
because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache
for rejection and heartache
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jer zašto postaviti sebe
za odbacivanje i lomljenje srca
za odbacivanje i lomljenje srca
06:03
when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand?
more than you can stand?
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kada vaše srce već boluje
više nego što možete podneti?
više nego što možete podneti?
06:08
I was in the grips of real
loneliness back then,
loneliness back then,
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Bio sam tada
u kandžama prave usamljenosti,
u kandžama prave usamljenosti,
06:11
but I was surrounded by people all day,
so it never occurred to me.
so it never occurred to me.
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ali sam bio okružen ljudima po ceo dan
pa mi nikada nije palo na pamet.
pa mi nikada nije palo na pamet.
06:16
But loneliness is defined
purely subjectively.
purely subjectively.
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Ali usamljenost se definiše
potpuno subjektivno.
potpuno subjektivno.
06:20
It depends solely on whether you feel
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U potpunosti zavisi od toga
da li se osećate
da li se osećate
06:23
emotionally or socially disconnected
from those around you.
from those around you.
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emotivno i socijalno isključeno
od onih oko vas.
od onih oko vas.
06:27
And I did.
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A ja sam se tako osećao.
06:28
There is a lot of research on loneliness,
and all of it is horrifying.
and all of it is horrifying.
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Postoji mnogo istraživanja
o usamljenosti i sva su užasavajuća.
o usamljenosti i sva su užasavajuća.
06:35
Loneliness won't just make you
miserable, it will kill you.
miserable, it will kill you.
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Usamljenost vas neće
samo učiniti nesrećnim, ubiće vas.
samo učiniti nesrećnim, ubiće vas.
06:39
I'm not kidding.
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Ne šalim se.
06:40
Chronic loneliness increases your
likelihood of an early death
likelihood of an early death
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Hronična usamljenost
povećava verovatnoću rane smrti
povećava verovatnoću rane smrti
06:44
by 14 percent.
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za 14 posto.
06:48
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
high cholesterol.
high cholesterol.
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Usamljenost prouzrokuje
visok krvni pritisak, visok holesterol.
visok krvni pritisak, visok holesterol.
06:52
It even suppress the functioning
of your immune system,
of your immune system,
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Može čak i da potisne funkcionisanje
vašeg imunog sistema,
vašeg imunog sistema,
06:56
making you vulnerable to all kinds
of illnesses and diseases.
of illnesses and diseases.
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čineći vas podložnim
za razne bolesti i oboljenja.
za razne bolesti i oboljenja.
07:00
In fact, scientists have concluded
that taken together,
that taken together,
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U stvari, naučnici su zaključili
da opšte uzev,
da opšte uzev,
07:04
chronic loneliness poses as
significant a risk
significant a risk
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hronična usamljenost
predstavlja značajan rizik
predstavlja značajan rizik
07:07
for your longterm health and
longevity as cigarette smoking.
longevity as cigarette smoking.
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po vaše dugoročno zdravlje
i dužinu života kao pušenje cigareta.
i dužinu života kao pušenje cigareta.
07:12
Now cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you."
saying, "This could kill you."
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Danas paklice cigareta imaju upozorenja
koja kažu: "Ovo vas može ubiti."
koja kažu: "Ovo vas može ubiti."
07:17
But loneliness doesn't.
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Ali usamljenost to nema.
07:19
And that's why it's so important that
we prioritize our psychological health,
we prioritize our psychological health,
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I zato je toliko važno da damo prioritet
našem psihičkom zdravlju,
našem psihičkom zdravlju,
07:23
that we practice emotional hygiene.
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da primenjujemo emocionalnu higijenu.
07:27
Because you can't treat
a psychological wound
a psychological wound
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Jer ne možete lečiti psihičku ranu
07:30
if you don't even know you're injured.
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ako ni ne znate da ste povređeni.
07:34
Loneliness isn't the only
psychological wound
psychological wound
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Usamljenost nije jedina psihička rana
07:36
that distorts our perceptions
and misleads us.
and misleads us.
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koja krivi našu percepciju
i obmanjuje nas.
i obmanjuje nas.
07:40
Failure does that as well.
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Neuspeh to takođe čini.
07:43
I once visited a day care center,
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Jednom sam posetio jaslice
07:46
where I saw three toddlers
play with identical plastic toys.
play with identical plastic toys.
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gde sam video kako se tri deteta
igraju identičnom plastičnom igračkom.
igraju identičnom plastičnom igračkom.
07:51
You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggie would pop out.
and a cute doggie would pop out.
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Treba da pomerite crveno dugme
i iskače slatka kuca.
i iskače slatka kuca.
07:55
One little girl tried pulling the
purple button, then pushing it,
purple button, then pushing it,
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Jedna devojčica je pokušala
da vuče ljubičasto dugme, pa da ga gura,
da vuče ljubičasto dugme, pa da ga gura,
08:00
and then she just sat back and looked
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
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a onda je samo sela i gledala kutiju,
dok joj je drhtala donja usna.
dok joj je drhtala donja usna.
08:04
The little boy next to her
watched this happen,
watched this happen,
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Dečak pokraj nje je to gledao,
08:08
then turned to his box and and burst
into tears without even touching it.
into tears without even touching it.
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zatim se okrenuo ka svojoj kutiji
i briznuo u plač a da je nije ni dodirnuo.
i briznuo u plač a da je nije ni dodirnuo.
08:13
Meanwhile, another little girl tried
everything she could think of
everything she could think of
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U međuvremenu, druga devojčica
je probala sve čega se setila
je probala sve čega se setila
08:16
until she slid the red button,
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dok nije pomerila crveno dugme,
08:18
the cute doggie popped out,
and she squealed with delight.
and she squealed with delight.
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slatka kuca je iskočila
i ona je sa oduševljenjem zacičala.
i ona je sa oduševljenjem zacičala.
08:22
So three toddlers with
identical plastic toys,
identical plastic toys,
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Dakle, tri deteta
sa identičnim plastičnim igračkama,
sa identičnim plastičnim igračkama,
08:25
but with very different
reactions to failure.
reactions to failure.
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ali sa vrlo različitim
reakcijama na neuspeh.
reakcijama na neuspeh.
08:29
The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button.
capable of sliding a red button.
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Prva dva deteta su bila
savršeno sposobna da pomere crveno dugme.
savršeno sposobna da pomere crveno dugme.
08:34
The only thing that prevented
them from succeeding
them from succeeding
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Jedino što ih je sprečavalo da uspeju
08:37
was that their mind tricked them
into believing they could not.
into believing they could not.
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je to što ih je um prevario
da poveruju da ne mogu.
da poveruju da ne mogu.
08:41
Now, adults get tricked this way
as well, all the time.
as well, all the time.
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Odrasli takođe stalno bivaju
prevareni na ovaj način.
prevareni na ovaj način.
08:45
In fact, we all have a default set of
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
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Zapravo, svi mi imamo određeni skup
osećanja i uverenja koji se aktivira
osećanja i uverenja koji se aktivira
08:52
whenever we encounter
frustrations and setbacks.
frustrations and setbacks.
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kad god naiđemo na frustracije i zastoje.
08:55
Are you aware of how
your mind reacts to failure?
your mind reacts to failure?
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Da li ste svesni toga
kako vaš um reaguje na neuspeh?
kako vaš um reaguje na neuspeh?
08:58
You need to be.
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Treba da budete.
09:00
Because if your mind tries to convince you
you're incapable of something
you're incapable of something
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Jer ako um pokuša da vas ubedi
da ste nesposobni za nešto
da ste nesposobni za nešto
09:04
and you believe it,
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i poverujete mu,
09:05
then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless
you'll begin to feel helpless
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tada ćete, kao ona dva deteta,
početi da se osećate bespomoćno
početi da se osećate bespomoćno
09:09
and you'll stop trying too soon,
or you won't even try at all.
or you won't even try at all.
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i prerano ćete prestati da pokušavate,
ili nećete uopšte ni pokušati.
ili nećete uopšte ni pokušati.
09:12
And then you'll be even more
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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I tada ćete biti još ubeđeniji
da ne možete uspeti.
da ne možete uspeti.
09:15
You see, that's why so many people
function below their actual potential.
function below their actual potential.
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Vidite, zato toliko ljudi funkcioniše
ispod svog stvarnog potencijala.
ispod svog stvarnog potencijala.
09:20
Because somewhere along the way,
sometimes a single failure
sometimes a single failure
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Jer negde usput,
nekad ih je samo jedan neuspeh
nekad ih je samo jedan neuspeh
09:24
convinced them that they couldn't
succeed, and they believed it.
succeed, and they believed it.
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ubedio da ne mogu uspeti
i oni su u to poverovali.
i oni su u to poverovali.
09:27
Once we become convinced of something,
it's very difficult to change our mind.
it's very difficult to change our mind.
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Jednom kada postanemo ubeđeni
u nešto, vrlo je teško da se predomislimo.
u nešto, vrlo je teško da se predomislimo.
09:33
I learned that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager with my brother.
when I was a teenager with my brother.
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Naučio sam tu lekciju na teži način,
kada sam bio tinejdžer, sa svojim bratom.
kada sam bio tinejdžer, sa svojim bratom.
09:38
We were driving with friends
down a dark road at night,
down a dark road at night,
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Vozili smo se sa prijateljima
noću po mračnom putu,
noću po mračnom putu,
kada nas je zaustavio policijski auto.
09:41
when a police car stopped us.
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09:42
There had been a robbery in the area
and they were looking for suspects.
and they were looking for suspects.
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Desila se pljačka u okolini
i tražili su osumnjičene.
i tražili su osumnjičene.
09:46
The officer approached the car, and he
shined his flashlight on the driver,
shined his flashlight on the driver,
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Policajac je prišao automobilu
i osvetlio vozača svojom lampom,
i osvetlio vozača svojom lampom,
09:50
then on my brother in the front seat,
and then on me.
and then on me.
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zatim mog brata na prednjem sedištu,
pa onda mene.
pa onda mene.
09:54
And his eyes opened wide and he said,
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Oči su mu se raširile i pitao je:
09:56
"Where have I seen your face before?"
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"Gde sam pre video tvoje lice?"
09:58
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
10:02
And I said, "In the front seat."
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Rekao sam: "Na prednjem sedištu."
10:05
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
10:08
But that made no sense
to him whatsoever.
to him whatsoever.
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Ali to za njega nije imalo smisla.
10:10
So now he thought I was on drugs.
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Mislio je da sam na drogama.
10:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
10:14
So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me,
he searches me,
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Izvukao me je iz auta, pretresao me,
10:16
he marches me over to the police car,
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odveo me do policijskog auta,
10:18
and only when he verified
I didn't have a police record,
I didn't have a police record,
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i tek kada je potvrdio
da nemam policijski dosije,
da nemam policijski dosije,
10:21
could I show him
I had a twin in the front seat.
I had a twin in the front seat.
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mogao sam da mu pokažem da imam
blizanca koji je na prednjem sedištu.
blizanca koji je na prednjem sedištu.
10:26
But even as we were driving away,
you could see by the look on his face
you could see by the look on his face
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Ali čak i dok smo odlazili,
moglo se videti po izrazu njegovog lica
moglo se videti po izrazu njegovog lica
10:29
he was convinced that I was
getting away with something.
getting away with something.
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da je ubeđen da sam kriv za nešto.
10:34
Our mind is hard to change
once we become convinced.
once we become convinced.
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Naše mišljenje je teško promeniti
kada postanemo ubeđeni.
kada postanemo ubeđeni.
10:38
So it might be very natural to feel
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
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Zato može biti prirodno osećati se
demoralisano i poraženo nakon neuspeha.
demoralisano i poraženo nakon neuspeha.
10:43
But you cannot allow yourself to become
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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Ali ne možete dozvoliti sebi da postanete
ubeđeni da ne možete uspeti.
ubeđeni da ne možete uspeti.
10:48
You have to fight
feelings of helplessness.
feelings of helplessness.
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Morate da se borite
protiv osećanja bespomoćnosti.
protiv osećanja bespomoćnosti.
10:50
You have to gain control
over the situation.
over the situation.
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Morate da preuzmete kontrolu
nad situacijom.
nad situacijom.
10:54
And you have to break this kind of
negative cycle before it begins.
negative cycle before it begins.
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I morate da prekinete takav
negativan krug pre nego što otpočne.
negativan krug pre nego što otpočne.
11:00
Our minds and our feelings,
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Naš um i naša osećanja
11:02
they're not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were.
we thought they were.
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nisu tako pouzdani prijatelji
kao što smo mislili.
kao što smo mislili.
11:05
They are more like a really moody friend,
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Oni su više kao ćudljivi prijatelji,
11:08
who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next.
and really unpleasant the next.
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koji mogu biti potpuno podržavajući
jednog trenutka,
jednog trenutka,
a već sledećeg zaista neprijatni.
Jednom sam radio sa ženom
11:13
I once worked with this woman
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11:15
who after 20 years marriage
and an extremely ugly divorce,
and an extremely ugly divorce,
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koja je, nakon 20 godina braka
i izuzetno ružnog razvoda,
i izuzetno ružnog razvoda,
11:19
was finally ready for her first date.
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konačno bila spremna za prvi sastanak.
11:22
She had met this guy online, and he
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
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Upoznala je nekog tipa na internetu,
delovao je fino i uspešno,
delovao je fino i uspešno,
11:26
and most importantly,
he seemed really into her.
he seemed really into her.
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i što je najvažnije,
izgledalo je da je zainteresovan za nju.
izgledalo je da je zainteresovan za nju.
11:30
So she was very excited,
she bought a new dress,
she bought a new dress,
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Bila je vrlo uzbuđena,
kupila je novu haljinu,
kupila je novu haljinu,
11:33
and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink.
New York City bar for a drink.
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i našli su se u skupljem baru
u Njujorku na piću.
u Njujorku na piću.
11:37
Ten minutes into the date,
the man stands up and says,
the man stands up and says,
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Deset minuta od početka sastanka,
čovek je ustao i rekao:
čovek je ustao i rekao:
11:41
"I'm not interested," and walks out.
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"Nisam zainteresovan" i izašao je napolje.
11:45
Rejection is extremely painful.
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Odbijanje je izuzetno bolno.
11:49
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.
All she could do was call a friend.
All she could do was call a friend.
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Žena je bila toliko povređena
da nije mogla da se pomeri.
da nije mogla da se pomeri.
Mogla je samo da pozove prijatelja.
11:54
Here's what the friend said:
"Well, what do you expect?
"Well, what do you expect?
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Evo šta je prijatelj rekao:
"Pa, šta očekuješ?
"Pa, šta očekuješ?
11:58
You have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say,
you have nothing interesting to say,
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Imaš široke kukove,
nemaš ništa zanimljivo da kažeš,
nemaš ništa zanimljivo da kažeš,
12:02
why would a handsome,
successful man like that
successful man like that
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zašto bi takav zgodan, uspešan muškarac
12:04
ever go out with a loser like you?"
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ikada izašao sa gubitnicom kao što si ti?"
12:08
Shocking, right, that a friend
could be so cruel?
could be so cruel?
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Šokatno, zar ne,
da prijatelj može biti tako okrutan?
da prijatelj može biti tako okrutan?
12:12
But it would be much less shocking
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Ali bilo bi manje šokantno
12:14
if I told you it wasn't
the friend who said that.
the friend who said that.
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kada bih vam rekao
da to nije rekao prijatelj.
da to nije rekao prijatelj.
12:17
It's what the woman said to herself.
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To je ono što je žena rekla samoj sebi.
12:20
And that's something we all do,
especially after a rejection.
especially after a rejection.
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A to je nešto što svi mi radimo,
naročito nakon odbijanja.
naročito nakon odbijanja.
12:25
We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings,
and all our shortcomings,
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Počinjemo da razmišljamo
o svim našim manama i nedostacima,
o svim našim manama i nedostacima,
šta bismo želeli da smo,
šta bismo želeli da nismo,
šta bismo želeli da nismo,
12:28
what we wish we were,
what we wish we weren't,
what we wish we weren't,
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12:30
we call ourselves names.
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vređamo sami sebe.
12:32
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.
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Možda ne tako oštro, ali svi mi to radimo.
12:35
And it's interesting that we do, because
our self-esteem is already hurting.
our self-esteem is already hurting.
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Zanimljivo je to što radimo,
jer naše samopoštovanje već pati.
jer naše samopoštovanje već pati.
12:40
Why would we want to go
and damage it even further?
and damage it even further?
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Zašto želimo da ga još više povređujemo?
12:43
We wouldn't make a physical injury
worse on purpose.
worse on purpose.
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Fizičku povredu ne bismo
namerno pogoršali.
namerno pogoršali.
12:45
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm
and decide, "Oh, I know!
and decide, "Oh, I know!
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Ne biste zadobili posekotinu na ruci
i odlučili: "O, znam!
i odlučili: "O, znam!
12:48
I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper I can make it."
how much deeper I can make it."
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Uzeću nož da vidim
koliko mogu da je produbim."
koliko mogu da je produbim."
12:52
But we do that with psychological
injuries all the time.
injuries all the time.
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Ali to radimo stalno
sa psihičkim povredama.
sa psihičkim povredama.
12:55
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
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Zašto? Zbog slabe emocionalne higijene.
12:59
Because we don't prioritize
our psychological health.
our psychological health.
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Jer ne dajemo prioritet
našem psihičkom zdravlju.
našem psihičkom zdravlju.
13:02
We know from dozens of studies
that when your self-esteem is lower,
that when your self-esteem is lower,
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Iz gomile studija saznajemo da,
kada vam je samopoštovanje niže,
kada vam je samopoštovanje niže,
13:06
you are more vulnerable to
stress and to anxiety,
stress and to anxiety,
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podložniji ste stresu i anksioznosti,
13:09
that failures and rejections hurt more
and it takes longer to recover from them.
and it takes longer to recover from them.
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neuspesi i odbijanja više bole i treba
više vremena za oporavljanje od njih.
više vremena za oporavljanje od njih.
13:15
So when you get rejected,
the first thing you should be doing
the first thing you should be doing
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Tako da, kada ste odbijeni,
prvo što treba da radite
prvo što treba da radite
13:18
is to revive your self-esteem, not
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
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jeste da povratite svoje samopoštovanje,
ne da se priključite Borilačkom klubu
i pretvorite ga u kašu.
i pretvorite ga u kašu.
Kada preživljavate emotivni bol,
13:24
When you're in emotional pain,
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13:27
treat yourself with the same compassion
you would expect from a truly good friend.
you would expect from a truly good friend.
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tretirajte sebe sa istim saosećanjem
koje biste očekivali od dobrog prijatelja.
koje biste očekivali od dobrog prijatelja.
13:35
We have to catch our unhealthy
psychological habits and change them.
psychological habits and change them.
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Treba da uhvatimo naše nezdrave
psihičke navike i menjamo ih.
psihičke navike i menjamo ih.
13:39
One of unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination.
is called rumination.
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Jedna od najnezdravijih i najčešćih
naziva se ruminacija.
naziva se ruminacija.
13:44
To ruminate means to chew over.
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Ruminirati znači preživati.
13:46
It's when your boss yells at you, or your
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
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To je kada vaš šef viče na vas,
ili vaš profesor učini
da se osećate glupo na času,
da se osećate glupo na času,
13:51
or you have big fight with a friend
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2191
ili se strašno posvađate sa prijateljem
13:53
and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days,
the scene in your head for days,
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4417
i ne možete danima da prestanete
da ponavljate tu scenu u glavi,
da ponavljate tu scenu u glavi,
13:57
sometimes for weeks on end.
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nekada i nedeljama uzastopno.
13:59
Ruminating about upsetting events
in this way can easily become a habit,
in this way can easily become a habit,
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5708
Ruminacija uznemirujućih događaja
tako može lako postati navika,
tako može lako postati navika,
14:05
and it's a very costly one.
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i to vrlo skupa.
14:07
Because by spending so much time focused
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
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Jer trošeći toliko vremena sa fokusom
na uznemirujuće i negativne misli,
na uznemirujuće i negativne misli,
14:11
you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk
at significant risk
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zapravo stavljate sebe pod značajan rizik
14:14
for developing clinical depression,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
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za razvijanje kliničke depresije,
alkoholizma, poremećaja ishrane,
alkoholizma, poremećaja ishrane,
14:19
and even cardiovascular disease.
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čak i kardiovaskularnih oboljenja.
14:22
The problem is the urge to ruminate can
feel really strong and really important,
feel really strong and really important,
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Problem je to što impuls za ruminacijom
može delovati kao vrlo jak i važan,
može delovati kao vrlo jak i važan,
14:28
so it's a difficult habit to stop.
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tako da ju je teško zaustaviti.
14:30
I know this for a fact,
because a little over a year ago,
because a little over a year ago,
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Dobro mi je ovo poznato,
jer pre nešto više od godinu dana,
jer pre nešto više od godinu dana,
14:33
I developed the habit myself.
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i sam sam razvio tu naviku.
14:36
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
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Vidite, mom bratu je dijagnostikovan
treći stadijum Ne-Hodžkinove bolesti.
treći stadijum Ne-Hodžkinove bolesti.
14:42
His cancer was extremly aggressive.
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Njegov rak je bio izuzetno agresivan.
14:45
He had visible tumors all over his body.
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Imao je vidljive tumore po celom telu.
14:48
And he had to start
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
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Morao je da započne
sa teškom hemoterapijom.
sa teškom hemoterapijom.
14:53
And I couldn't stop thinking about
what he was going through.
what he was going through.
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A ja nisam mogao da prestanem
da mislim o tome kroz šta on prolazi.
da mislim o tome kroz šta on prolazi.
14:58
I couldn't stop thinking about
how much he was suffering,
how much he was suffering,
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Nisam mogao da prestanem
da mislim o tome koliko on pati,
da mislim o tome koliko on pati,
15:01
even though he never complained, not once.
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iako se nikada nije žalio, nijednom.
15:06
He had this incredibly positive attitude.
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Imao je neverovatno pozitivan stav.
15:08
His psychological health was amazing.
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Njegovo psihičko zdravlje
je bilo neverovatno.
je bilo neverovatno.
15:12
I was physically healthy,
but psychologically I was a mess.
but psychologically I was a mess.
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Ja sam fizički bio zdrav,
ali sam psihički bio u haosu.
ali sam psihički bio u haosu.
15:16
But I knew what to do.
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Ali sam znao šta da radim.
15:18
Studies tell us that even a two-minute
distraction is sufficient
distraction is sufficient
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Istraživanja kažu da je čak i dva minuta
odvraćanja pažnje dovoljno
odvraćanja pažnje dovoljno
15:22
to break the urge to ruminate
in that moment.
in that moment.
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za prekidanje impulsa za ruminacijom
u tom trenutku.
u tom trenutku.
15:25
And so each time I had a worrying,
upsetting, negative thought,
upsetting, negative thought,
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Tako da svaki put kada sam imao
zabrinjavajuću, uznemirujuću,
negativnu pomisao,
negativnu pomisao,
15:29
I forced myself to concentrate on
something else until the urge passed.
something else until the urge passed.
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primorao bih sebe da se koncentrišem
na nešto drugo dok impuls ne prođe.
na nešto drugo dok impuls ne prođe.
15:34
And within one week,
my whole outlook changed
my whole outlook changed
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Za nedelju dana,
čitava moja perspektiva se izmenila
čitava moja perspektiva se izmenila
15:38
and became more positive
and more hopeful.
and more hopeful.
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i postala pozitivnija i ispunjenija nadom.
15:43
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan,
my brother had a CAT scan,
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Devet nedelja
nakon što je počeo sa hemoterapijom,
nakon što je počeo sa hemoterapijom,
mom bratu je urađeno snimanje rendgenom
15:47
and I was by his side when
he got the results.
he got the results.
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i bio sam kraj njega
kada je dobio rezultate.
kada je dobio rezultate.
15:51
All the tumors were gone.
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Svi tumori su nestali.
15:54
He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy to go,
of chemotherapy to go,
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Imao je pred sobom još tri ture terapije,
15:57
but we knew he would recover.
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ali smo znali da će se oporaviti.
15:59
This picture was taken two weeks ago.
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Ova slika je nastala pre dve nedelje.
16:05
By taking action when you're lonely,
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Preduzimanjem mera kada ste usamljeni,
16:08
by changing your responses to failure,
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menjanjem svojih odgovora na neuspeh,
16:12
by protecting your self-esteem,
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štiteći svoje samopoštovanje,
16:15
by battling negative thinking,
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boreći se sa negativnim razmišljanjem,
16:17
you won't just heal your
psychological wounds,
psychological wounds,
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nećete samo zalečiti svoje psihičke rane,
16:19
you will build emotional resilience,
you will thrive.
you will thrive.
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izgradićete emocionalnu otpornost,
razvijaćete se.
razvijaćete se.
16:24
A hundred years ago,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
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Pre sto godina, ljudi su počeli
da primenjuju ličnu higijenu,
da primenjuju ličnu higijenu,
16:28
and life expectancy rates rose
by over 50 percent
by over 50 percent
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i stopa očekivanog životnog veka
se povećala za preko 50 procenata
se povećala za preko 50 procenata
16:33
in just a matter of decades.
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za samo nekoliko decenija.
16:35
I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically
could rise just as dramatically
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Verujem da bi se naš kvalitet života
mogao isto tako dramatično povećati
mogao isto tako dramatično povećati
16:39
if we all began practicing
emotional hygiene.
emotional hygiene.
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ako svi počnemo da primenjujemo
emocionalnu higijenu.
emocionalnu higijenu.
16:43
Can you imagine what
the world would be like
the world would be like
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Možete li da zamislite kakav bi svet bio
16:45
if everyone was psychologically healthier?
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kada bi svi bili psihološki zdraviji?
16:49
If there were less loneliness
and less depression?
and less depression?
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Kada bi bilo manje
usamljenosti i depresije?
usamljenosti i depresije?
16:52
If people knew how to overcome failure?
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Kada bi ljudi znali
kako da prevaziđu neuspeh?
kako da prevaziđu neuspeh?
16:55
If they felt better about themselves
and more empowered?
and more empowered?
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Kada bi se osećali bolje u svojoj koži
i osnaženije?
i osnaženije?
16:58
If they were happier and more fulfilled?
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Kada bi bili srećniji i ispunjeniji?
17:01
I can, because that's the world
I want to live in,
I want to live in,
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Ja mogu, jer je to svet
u kome želim da živim,
u kome želim da živim,
17:05
and that's the world my brother
wants to live in as well.
wants to live in as well.
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i to je svet u kome
i moj brat želi da živi.
i moj brat želi da živi.
17:10
And if you just become informed
and change a few simple habits,
and change a few simple habits,
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Ako se samo informišete
i promenite nekoliko jednostavnih navika,
i promenite nekoliko jednostavnih navika,
17:14
well, that's the world we can all live in.
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pa, to je svet u kome svi možemo živeti.
17:18
Thank you very much.
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Hvala vam mnogo.
17:20
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com