TEDxLinnaeusUniversity
Guy Winch: Why we all need to practice emotional first aid
蓋伊•溫奇: 為何我們都需要情緒急救
Filmed:
Readability: 3.6
10,148,018 views
感冒頭痛，我們會去看醫生。可是為什麽在經歷愧疚、失落、孤獨等心理傷痛時，我們卻不去就醫呢？蓋伊•溫奇解釋道，我們此時基本都獨自療傷。但這不是唯一出路。他有力地論證了為何我們應該像照顧身體一樣，來照料我們的情緒和心理健康。
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I grew up with my identical twin,
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我和我的雙胞胎哥哥一起長大，
00:18
who was an incredibly loving brother.
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他是個富有愛心的好兄弟。
00:21
Now, one thing about being a twin
is that it makes you an expert
is that it makes you an expert
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要知道，做為雙胞胎，
你很快就在某件事上成為專家，
你很快就在某件事上成為專家，
00:26
at spotting favoritism.
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那就是注意到偏愛。
00:28
If his cookie was even slightly bigger
than my cookie, I had questions.
than my cookie, I had questions.
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如果他的餅乾比我的大，
哪怕只是一丁點，我就會質疑。
哪怕只是一丁點，我就會質疑。
00:34
And clearly, I wasn't starving.
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很顯然，我也沒餓著。
00:38
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:40
When I became a psychologist, I began to
notice favoritism of a different kind,
notice favoritism of a different kind,
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當我成為一名心理學家，
我開始注意到另一種偏愛，
我開始注意到另一種偏愛，
00:46
and that is how much more we
value the body than we do the mind.
value the body than we do the mind.
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那就是我們對自己的身體
比精神更為珍視。
比精神更為珍視。
00:52
I spent nine years at university earning
my doctorate in psychology,
my doctorate in psychology,
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我花了九年時間
獲得心理學博士學位，
獲得心理學博士學位，
00:58
and I can't tell you how many people
look at my business card and say,
look at my business card and say,
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但不知道有多少人
會看了我的名片就說：
會看了我的名片就說：
01:02
"Oh, a psychologist.
So not a real doctor,"
So not a real doctor,"
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「哦，是個心理學家，
原來不是真正的醫生。」
原來不是真正的醫生。」
01:07
as if it should say that on my card.
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好像我的名片上就該這樣註明：
01:10
(Laughter)
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「只是心理醫生（不是真正的醫生）
沒錯，很讓人失望」（笑聲）
沒錯，很讓人失望」（笑聲）
01:15
This favoritism we show the body
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
over the mind, I see it everywhere.
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這種對身體多過精神的偏愛隨處可見。
01:21
I recently was at a friend's house,
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我最近拜訪朋友家，
01:23
and their five-year-old
was getting ready for bed.
was getting ready for bed.
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他們五歲的小孩正準備上床睡覺。
01:26
He was standing on a stool
by the sink brushing his teeth,
by the sink brushing his teeth,
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他站在小凳子上，在洗手盤邊刷牙，
01:29
when he slipped, and scratched his leg
on the stool when he fell.
on the stool when he fell.
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然後他滑倒了，
摔到的時候刮傷了他的腿。
摔到的時候刮傷了他的腿。
01:33
He cried for a minute,
but then he got back up,
but then he got back up,
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他哭了幾聲，隨後就爬起來，
01:36
got back on the stool, and reached out for
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
a box of Band-Aids to put one on his cut.
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站回小凳子上，拿了一個 OK 蹦
貼在自己的傷口上。
貼在自己的傷口上。
01:43
Now, this kid could barely
tie his shoelaces,
tie his shoelaces,
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這孩子剛剛學會繫鞋帶，
01:47
but he knew you have to cover a cut,
so it doesn't become infected,
so it doesn't become infected,
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但他都知道要保護傷口以免感染，
01:51
and you have to care for
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
your teeth by brushing twice a day.
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同時還要一天刷兩次牙來保護牙齒。
01:55
We all know how to maintain
our physical health
our physical health
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我們都知道怎樣保持身體的健康，
01:58
and how to practice dental hygiene, right?
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還有怎樣保持牙齒衛生，對嗎？
02:00
We've known it since
we were five years old.
we were five years old.
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我們從五歲起就知道這些東西了。
02:04
But what do we know about maintaining
our psychological health?
our psychological health?
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但是我們知道怎樣
保持精神上的健康嗎？
保持精神上的健康嗎？
02:09
Well, nothing.
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完全不知道。
02:11
What do we teach our children
about emotional hygiene?
about emotional hygiene?
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我們教孩子們情緒保健嗎？
02:16
Nothing.
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完全沒有。
02:18
How is it that we spend more time
taking care of our teeth
taking care of our teeth
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為什麽我們花在照顧牙齒上的時間
02:23
than we do our minds.
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比花在關注精神健康的時間還多呢？
02:26
Why is it that our physical health is
so much more important to us
so much more important to us
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為什麽我們那麽重視身體健康
02:30
than our psychological health?
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遠遠多於心理健康呢？
02:33
We sustain psychological injuries
even more often than we do physical ones,
even more often than we do physical ones,
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我們承受心理上的傷害
比身體上的多得多，
比身體上的多得多，
02:38
injuries like failure
or rejection or loneliness.
or rejection or loneliness.
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例如失敗，被拒絕，孤獨。
02:43
And they can also get
worse if we ignore them,
worse if we ignore them,
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如果我們忽視它們，情況也可能惡化，
02:46
and they can impact our lives
in dramatic ways.
in dramatic ways.
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它們同樣會給我們的生活
帶來重大的影響。
帶來重大的影響。
02:49
And yet, even though there are
scientifically proven techniques
scientifically proven techniques
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然而，雖然有科學證實的療法
來幫助我們治療這些心理上的傷害，
來幫助我們治療這些心理上的傷害，
02:53
we could use to treat these
kinds of psychological injuries,
kinds of psychological injuries,
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02:57
we don't.
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我們卻不採取行動。
02:59
It doesn't even occur to us
that we should.
that we should.
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我們甚至都沒意識到
我們應該採取行動。
我們應該採取行動。
03:02
"Oh, you're feeling depressed?
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
Just shake it off; it's all in your head."
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「哦，你感到憂鬱嗎？
別去想了，那都在你腦袋裡面。」
別去想了，那都在你腦袋裡面。」
03:06
Can you imagine saying that
to somebody with a broken leg:
to somebody with a broken leg:
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你能想像對一個斷了腿的人
說這樣的話嗎？
說這樣的話嗎？
03:10
"Oh, just walk it off;
it's all in your leg."
it's all in your leg."
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「哦，走走就好了，都在你腿上而已。」
03:13
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:15
It is time we closed the gap between
our physical and our psychological health.
our physical and our psychological health.
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我們應該消除這種
對身體和精神健康的區別對待。
對身體和精神健康的區別對待。
03:21
It's time we made them more equal,
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應該把兩者平等對待，
03:24
more like twins.
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像雙胞胎一樣。
03:27
Speaking of which,
my brother is also a psychologist.
my brother is also a psychologist.
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說起雙胞胎，我哥哥也是個心理醫生。
03:30
So he's not a real doctor, either.
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所以他也不算是真正的醫生。
03:33
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:35
We didn't study together, though.
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不過我們並沒有一起上學。
03:37
In fact, the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life
I've ever done in my life
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事實上，我這輩子經歷過的最困難的事
03:41
is move across the Atlantic
to New York City
to New York City
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就是跨過大西洋搬到紐約
03:44
to get my doctorate in psychology.
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攻讀心理學的博士學位。
03:47
We were apart then
for the first time in our lives,
for the first time in our lives,
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那是我們倆這輩子第一次分隔兩地，
03:50
and the separation was
brutal for both of us.
brutal for both of us.
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這個分離對我倆來說都很殘酷。
03:54
But while he remained among
family and friends,
family and friends,
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當他和家人朋友一起時，
03:57
I was alone in a new country.
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我卻孤單地遠在另一個國度。
04:00
We missed each other terribly,
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我們都非常想念對方，
04:02
but international phone calls were
really expensive then
really expensive then
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但那時候國際長途都很貴，
04:05
and we could only afford to speak
for five minutes a week.
for five minutes a week.
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我們每週通話只能是五分鐘。
04:09
When our birthday rolled around,
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當我們生日快到了的時候，
04:12
it was the first we wouldn't
be spending together.
be spending together.
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那是我們第一次不能在一起過生日。
04:14
We decide to splurge, and that week
we would talk for 10 minutes.
we would talk for 10 minutes.
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我們決定奢侈一回，
那個星期我們要聊十分鐘。
那個星期我們要聊十分鐘。
04:19
I spent the morning pacing around my room,
waiting for him to call --
waiting for him to call --
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那天早上，我一直在房間裡踱步，
等著我哥哥給我打過來 －
等著我哥哥給我打過來 －
04:23
and waiting and waiting,
but the phone didn't ring.
but the phone didn't ring.
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我等啊等啊，電話就是不響。
04:29
Given the time difference, I assumed,
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由於時差的關係，我就想：
04:32
"Ok, he's out with friends,
he will call later."
he will call later."
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「好吧，他一定是和朋友在一起，
他晚點兒就會打來的。」
他晚點兒就會打來的。」
04:34
There were no cell phones then.
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那時候也沒有手機。
04:36
But he didn't.
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但他始終沒打來。
04:39
And I began to realize that after
being away for over 10 months,
being away for over 10 months,
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我開始意識到，離開十個多月以後，
04:44
he no longer missed me
the way I missed him.
the way I missed him.
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他不再像我想他那樣想我了。
04:47
I knew he would call in the morning,
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我知道他早上給我打電話，
04:49
but that night was one of the
saddest and longest nights of my life.
saddest and longest nights of my life.
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但那一晚是我一生中
最傷心，最漫長的一晚。
最傷心，最漫長的一晚。
04:56
I woke up the next morning.
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第二天早上醒來，
04:58
I glanced down at the phone, and
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
I realized I had kicked it off the hook
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我瞅了一眼電話，意識到
自己把電話線踹飛了，
自己把電話線踹飛了，
05:03
when pacing the day before.
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就在昨天來回踱步時踹飛的。
05:06
I stumbled out off bed,
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我迷迷糊糊跳下床，
05:08
I put the phone back on the receiver,
and it rang a second later,
and it rang a second later,
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我剛把電話插回接口，
一秒鐘之後電話就響了。
一秒鐘之後電話就響了。
05:11
and it was my brother,
and, boy, was he pissed.
and, boy, was he pissed.
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是我哥哥打來的，他可氣壞了。
05:15
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:17
It was the saddest and longest
night of his life as well.
night of his life as well.
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那也是他一生中
最傷心漫長的一夜。
最傷心漫長的一夜。
05:20
Now I tried to explain what
happened, but he said,
happened, but he said,
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當我跟他解釋事情的經過，他說：
05:23
"I don't understand.
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
If you saw I wasn't calling you,
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「我真不明白。如果你意識到
我沒給你打電話，
我沒給你打電話，
05:26
why didn't you just pick up
the phone and call me?"
the phone and call me?"
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那你為什麽不打給我呢？」
05:31
He was right. Why didn't I call him?
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他說的對。我為什麽沒有打給他呢？
05:35
I didn't have an answer then,
but I do today,
but I do today,
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我當時無法解釋，但我現在明白了，
05:38
and it's a simple one: loneliness.
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非常簡單的原因：孤獨。
05:43
Loneliness creates a
deep psychological wound,
deep psychological wound,
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孤獨導致深重的心理創傷，
05:47
one that distorts our perceptions
and scrambles our thinking.
and scrambles our thinking.
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扭曲我們的感知能力，
剝奪我們的思考能力。
剝奪我們的思考能力。
05:51
It makes us believe that those around us
care much less than they actually do.
care much less than they actually do.
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它使我們以為身邊的人不再在乎我們。
05:57
It make us really afraid to reach out,
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它使我們不敢與人聯絡，
06:00
because why set yourself up
for rejection and heartache
for rejection and heartache
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何必自取其辱被拒絕呢，
06:03
when your heart is already aching
more than you can stand?
more than you can stand?
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你的心還不夠痛嗎？
06:08
I was in the grips of real
loneliness back then,
loneliness back then,
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我那個時候被孤獨緊緊包裹著，
06:11
but I was surrounded by people all day,
so it never occurred to me.
so it never occurred to me.
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但我總和別人在一起，
我自己都沒意識到。
我自己都沒意識到。
06:16
But loneliness is defined
purely subjectively.
purely subjectively.
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但孤獨是完全主觀的定義。
06:20
It depends solely on whether you feel
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它完全取決於你是否覺得
06:23
emotionally or socially disconnected
from those around you.
from those around you.
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在情緒上或是交際上
和你周圍的人相隔絕。
和你周圍的人相隔絕。
06:27
And I did.
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我當時是這樣的。
06:28
There is a lot of research on loneliness,
and all of it is horrifying.
and all of it is horrifying.
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我們有很多關於孤獨的研究，
而且都很可怕。
而且都很可怕。
06:35
Loneliness won't just make you
miserable, it will kill you.
miserable, it will kill you.
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孤獨不僅讓你覺得淒慘，
它還可能致命。
它還可能致命。
06:39
I'm not kidding.
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我可不是開玩笑。
06:40
Chronic loneliness increases your
likelihood of an early death
likelihood of an early death
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長期的孤獨會增加早逝的可能性
06:44
by 14 percent.
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高達14%之多。
06:48
Loneliness causes high blood pressure,
high cholesterol.
high cholesterol.
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孤獨可以導致高血壓、高膽固醇，
06:52
It even suppress the functioning
of your immune system,
of your immune system,
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它甚至會影響你的免疫系統，
06:56
making you vulnerable to all kinds
of illnesses and diseases.
of illnesses and diseases.
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使你容易患上各種疾病。
07:00
In fact, scientists have concluded
that taken together,
that taken together,
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事實上，科學家已經得出結論，
07:04
chronic loneliness poses as
significant a risk
significant a risk
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長期的孤獨對你的健康
和長壽的負面影響
和長壽的負面影響
07:07
for your longterm health and
longevity as cigarette smoking.
longevity as cigarette smoking.
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比抽煙還要糟。
07:12
Now cigarette packs come with warnings
saying, "This could kill you."
saying, "This could kill you."
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香煙的包裝上還寫了
「吸煙致命」的警示呢。
「吸煙致命」的警示呢。
07:17
But loneliness doesn't.
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可孤獨沒有。
07:19
And that's why it's so important that
we prioritize our psychological health,
we prioritize our psychological health,
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這就是我們為什麽要重視心理健康，
07:23
that we practice emotional hygiene.
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要注意保持情緒健康。
07:27
Because you can't treat
a psychological wound
a psychological wound
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因為，你無法治癒心理上的創傷，
07:30
if you don't even know you're injured.
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如果你都不知道自己受到了傷害的話。
「關注情感痛苦」
07:34
Loneliness isn't the only
psychological wound
psychological wound
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孤獨不是唯一可能扭曲
及誤導我們的心理創傷。
及誤導我們的心理創傷。
07:36
that distorts our perceptions
and misleads us.
and misleads us.
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07:40
Failure does that as well.
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「失敗」也有同樣效果。
07:43
I once visited a day care center,
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我曾參觀過一間幼稚園，
07:46
where I saw three toddlers
play with identical plastic toys.
play with identical plastic toys.
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在那兒我觀察了三個兒童,
在玩完全一樣的塑膠玩具。
在玩完全一樣的塑膠玩具。
07:51
You had to slide the red button,
and a cute doggie would pop out.
and a cute doggie would pop out.
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你將紅色的按鈕滑開，
然後一隻可愛的小狗就會跳出來。
然後一隻可愛的小狗就會跳出來。
07:55
One little girl tried pulling the
purple button, then pushing it,
purple button, then pushing it,
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一個小女孩對紫色的鈕又拉又按，
08:00
and then she just sat back and looked
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
at the box, with her lower lip trembling.
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然後她就坐下來，瞧著那盒子，
下嘴唇開始發顫。
下嘴唇開始發顫。
08:04
The little boy next to her
watched this happen,
watched this happen,
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她旁邊的一個小男孩看到這一幕，
08:08
then turned to his box and and burst
into tears without even touching it.
into tears without even touching it.
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再看著他的盒子，
都沒動手就哇哇大哭了。
都沒動手就哇哇大哭了。
08:13
Meanwhile, another little girl tried
everything she could think of
everything she could think of
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與此同時，
另一個小女孩試了各種方法，
另一個小女孩試了各種方法，
08:16
until she slid the red button,
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直到她滑動了那個紅色按鈕，
08:18
the cute doggie popped out,
and she squealed with delight.
and she squealed with delight.
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可愛的小狗跳了出來，
她開心地叫了起來。
她開心地叫了起來。
08:22
So three toddlers with
identical plastic toys,
identical plastic toys,
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同樣的塑膠玩具給了這三個幼兒，
08:25
but with very different
reactions to failure.
reactions to failure.
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但他們對失敗的反應截然不同。
08:29
The first two toddlers were perfectly
capable of sliding a red button.
capable of sliding a red button.
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前兩個小孩完全有能力滑動那個紅鈕。
08:34
The only thing that prevented
them from succeeding
them from succeeding
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唯一阻止他們成功的因素
08:37
was that their mind tricked them
into believing they could not.
into believing they could not.
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就是他們被自己的想法給騙了，
以為自己做不到。
以為自己做不到。
08:41
Now, adults get tricked this way
as well, all the time.
as well, all the time.
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其實，成年人也經常中這樣的圈套。
08:45
In fact, we all have a default set of
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
feelings and beliefs that gets triggered
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事實上，我們都有
一個固定的思維感知模式，
一個固定的思維感知模式，
每當我們感到沮喪，受到挫折時，
我們便會進入這個模式。
我們便會進入這個模式。
08:52
whenever we encounter
frustrations and setbacks.
frustrations and setbacks.
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08:55
Are you aware of how
your mind reacts to failure?
your mind reacts to failure?
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你清不清楚你是怎麽對應失敗的？
08:58
You need to be.
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你應該清楚。
09:00
Because if your mind tries to convince you
you're incapable of something
you're incapable of something
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因為如果你的頭腦告訴你，
你做不到什麽事，
你做不到什麽事，
09:04
and you believe it,
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而你相信了的話，
09:05
then like those two toddlers,
you'll begin to feel helpless
you'll begin to feel helpless
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你就會像那前兩個小孩，
開始感到無助，
開始感到無助，
09:09
and you'll stop trying too soon,
or you won't even try at all.
or you won't even try at all.
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然後你很快就放棄了，
甚至都不去試一下。
甚至都不去試一下。
09:12
And then you'll be even more
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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然後你就更加確信自己成功不了。
09:15
You see, that's why so many people
function below their actual potential.
function below their actual potential.
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你看，這就是為什麽那麽多人
都無法充分發揮他們的潛能。
都無法充分發揮他們的潛能。
09:20
Because somewhere along the way,
sometimes a single failure
sometimes a single failure
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因為半途中會有那麽一次失敗，
09:24
convinced them that they couldn't
succeed, and they believed it.
succeed, and they believed it.
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讓他們確信自己不能成功。
09:27
Once we become convinced of something,
it's very difficult to change our mind.
it's very difficult to change our mind.
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我們一旦被某件事說服，
往往就很難改變主意。
往往就很難改變主意。
09:33
I learned that lesson the hard way
when I was a teenager with my brother.
when I was a teenager with my brother.
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我十幾歲的時候，和我哥哥一起，
經歷了一些困難才明白這個道理。
經歷了一些困難才明白這個道理。
09:38
We were driving with friends
down a dark road at night,
down a dark road at night,
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有一天晚上，我倆和朋友們
在一條很黑的路上開著車。
在一條很黑的路上開著車。
09:41
when a police car stopped us.
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一輛警車把我們攔住了。
09:42
There had been a robbery in the area
and they were looking for suspects.
and they were looking for suspects.
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附近發生了搶劫，警察在追蹤嫌犯。
09:46
The officer approached the car, and he
shined his flashlight on the driver,
shined his flashlight on the driver,
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警察走到車邊，對司機晃了晃手電筒，
09:50
then on my brother in the front seat,
and then on me.
and then on me.
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又照了照坐在副駕駛的我哥哥，
然後照到了我。
然後照到了我。
09:54
And his eyes opened wide and he said,
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他瞪大了眼睛說道，
09:56
"Where have I seen your face before?"
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「我在哪兒見過你吧？」
09:58
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
10:02
And I said, "In the front seat."
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我說：「副駕駛座上。」
10:05
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
10:08
But that made no sense
to him whatsoever.
to him whatsoever.
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但對他來說，我的回答莫名其妙。
10:10
So now he thought I was on drugs.
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所以他認為我嗑了藥。
10:13
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
10:14
So he drags me out of the car,
he searches me,
he searches me,
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於是他把我拖出車，又搜了我的身，
10:16
he marches me over to the police car,
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他把我押到警車那裡，
10:18
and only when he verified
I didn't have a police record,
I didn't have a police record,
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直到他驗證了我並沒有犯罪記錄，
10:21
could I show him
I had a twin in the front seat.
I had a twin in the front seat.
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我才有機會解釋
我和副駕駛座位上的是雙胞胎。
我和副駕駛座位上的是雙胞胎。
10:26
But even as we were driving away,
you could see by the look on his face
you could see by the look on his face
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但是直到我們把車開走，
你仍可以看到他的表情，
你仍可以看到他的表情，
10:29
he was convinced that I was
getting away with something.
getting away with something.
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他認定我肯定是幹了什麽壞事。
10:34
Our mind is hard to change
once we become convinced.
once we become convinced.
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一旦我們認定了某件事情，
我們很難改變看法。
我們很難改變看法。
10:38
So it might be very natural to feel
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
demoralized and defeated after you fail.
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所以當你失敗了，
感到意氣消沉是很自然的。
感到意氣消沉是很自然的。
10:43
But you cannot allow yourself to become
convinced you can't succeed.
convinced you can't succeed.
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但是你不能允許自己
相信自己不可能成功。
相信自己不可能成功。
10:48
You have to fight
feelings of helplessness.
feelings of helplessness.
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你要和那種無助的感覺鬥爭。
10:50
You have to gain control
over the situation.
over the situation.
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你要重新控制局面。
10:54
And you have to break this kind of
negative cycle before it begins.
negative cycle before it begins.
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而且必須在這種負能量開始循環前
就打破它。
就打破它。
「停止情緒流血」
我們的想法和感覺，
11:00
Our minds and our feelings,
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11:02
they're not the trustworthy friends
we thought they were.
we thought they were.
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不像我們想像中
那麽信得過的朋友。
那麽信得過的朋友。
11:05
They are more like a really moody friend,
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它們更像是一個非常情緒化的朋友，
11:08
who can be totally supportive one minute,
and really unpleasant the next.
and really unpleasant the next.
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有時非常支持你，有時卻令人不愉快。
11:13
I once worked with this woman
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我以前的一個女同事
11:15
who after 20 years marriage
and an extremely ugly divorce,
and an extremely ugly divorce,
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她結婚 20 年之後離婚了，
婚離得很慘烈，
婚離得很慘烈，
11:19
was finally ready for her first date.
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然後她終於準備好開始新的約會。
11:22
She had met this guy online, and he
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
seemed nice and he seemed successful,
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她在網上認識了這個男的。
他看上去人很好也很成功，
他看上去人很好也很成功，
11:26
and most importantly,
he seemed really into her.
he seemed really into her.
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最重要的是，他似乎真的很喜歡她。
11:30
So she was very excited,
she bought a new dress,
she bought a new dress,
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她非常興奮，還為約會買了新裙子，
11:33
and they met at an upscale
New York City bar for a drink.
New York City bar for a drink.
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然後他們相約在紐約的
一家高級酒吧裡喝一杯。
一家高級酒吧裡喝一杯。
11:37
Ten minutes into the date,
the man stands up and says,
the man stands up and says,
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約會才進行了10分鐘，
那位男士站起來說，
那位男士站起來說，
11:41
"I'm not interested," and walks out.
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「我沒興趣了。」 然後就走了。
11:45
Rejection is extremely painful.
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被拒絕是極其痛苦的。
11:49
The woman was so hurt she couldn't move.
All she could do was call a friend.
All she could do was call a friend.
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這位女士非常受傷，無法彈動。
於是她給一個朋友打電話。
於是她給一個朋友打電話。
11:54
Here's what the friend said:
"Well, what do you expect?
"Well, what do you expect?
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她朋友是這樣說的：「那妳還想怎樣？
11:58
You have big hips,
you have nothing interesting to say,
you have nothing interesting to say,
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妳又胖又沒有什麽好聊，
12:02
why would a handsome,
successful man like that
successful man like that
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為什麽一個英俊的成功男士
12:04
ever go out with a loser like you?"
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會和妳這樣的失敗者約會呢？」
12:08
Shocking, right, that a friend
could be so cruel?
could be so cruel?
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太不像話了，對吧，
朋友怎麽可以這樣冷酷無情？
朋友怎麽可以這樣冷酷無情？
12:12
But it would be much less shocking
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這或許聽上去不太過分，
12:14
if I told you it wasn't
the friend who said that.
the friend who said that.
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要是我告訴你，這話不是朋友說的。
12:17
It's what the woman said to herself.
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這其實是那位女士對自己說的。
12:20
And that's something we all do,
especially after a rejection.
especially after a rejection.
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我們都幹過這事兒，
尤其是被拒絕之後。
尤其是被拒絕之後。
12:25
We all start thinking of all our faults
and all our shortcomings,
and all our shortcomings,
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我們開始去想
我們犯的錯，我們的缺點，
我們犯的錯，我們的缺點，
12:28
what we wish we were,
what we wish we weren't,
what we wish we weren't,
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我們要是這樣就好了，
要是不那樣就好了，
要是不那樣就好了，
12:30
we call ourselves names.
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我們給自己起外號。
12:32
Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.
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也許程度不同，但我們都幹過這事。
12:35
And it's interesting that we do, because
our self-esteem is already hurting.
our self-esteem is already hurting.
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有趣的是，我們竟然會這樣做，
因為自尊本來就受到傷害了。
因為自尊本來就受到傷害了。
12:40
Why would we want to go
and damage it even further?
and damage it even further?
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我們為什麽會進一步傷害自尊心？
12:43
We wouldn't make a physical injury
worse on purpose.
worse on purpose.
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要是身體受傷了，
我們不會故意把它弄得更糟。
我們不會故意把它弄得更糟。
12:45
You wouldn't get a cut on your arm
and decide, "Oh, I know!
and decide, "Oh, I know!
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你胳膊上有個傷口，
你不會說，「啊，我知道！
你不會說，「啊，我知道！
12:48
I'm going to take a knife and see
how much deeper I can make it."
how much deeper I can make it."
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我要拿把刀看我到底能捅多深。」
12:52
But we do that with psychological
injuries all the time.
injuries all the time.
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但是我們經常如此對待心理傷害。
12:55
Why? Because of poor emotional hygiene.
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為什麽？因為心理保健意識很糟糕。
12:59
Because we don't prioritize
our psychological health.
our psychological health.
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因為我們不重視心理健康。
13:02
We know from dozens of studies
that when your self-esteem is lower,
that when your self-esteem is lower,
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很多研究表明，
如果你的自尊心低落，
如果你的自尊心低落，
13:06
you are more vulnerable to
stress and to anxiety,
stress and to anxiety,
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你就更容易感到壓力和焦慮，
13:09
that failures and rejections hurt more
and it takes longer to recover from them.
and it takes longer to recover from them.
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失敗和拒絕會傷害你更深，
你也需要更多的時間復原。
你也需要更多的時間復原。
13:15
So when you get rejected,
the first thing you should be doing
the first thing you should be doing
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所以如果你被拒絕了，
首先應該做的事情是
首先應該做的事情是
13:18
is to revive your self-esteem, not
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
join Fight Club and beat it into a pulp.
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重新激活你的自尊心，而不是
去瘋狂地打擊自尊心來發泄。
去瘋狂地打擊自尊心來發泄。
13:24
When you're in emotional pain,
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當你在經歷感情上的痛苦，
13:27
treat yourself with the same compassion
you would expect from a truly good friend.
you would expect from a truly good friend.
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像真正的好朋友那樣
關護自己。
關護自己。
「保護你的自尊心」
13:35
We have to catch our unhealthy
psychological habits and change them.
psychological habits and change them.
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我們需要改變不健康的心理習慣。
13:39
One of unhealthiest and most common
is called rumination.
is called rumination.
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最常見又最不健康的習慣之一
就是想太多。
就是想太多。
13:44
To ruminate means to chew over.
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事後反覆回想一件事。
13:46
It's when your boss yells at you, or your
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
professor makes you feel stupid in class,
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比如你的老板衝你發脾氣了，
或是教授在課上讓你感覺愚蠢，
或是教授在課上讓你感覺愚蠢，
13:51
or you have big fight with a friend
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或是你和好朋友吵架了，
13:53
and you just can't stop replaying
the scene in your head for days,
the scene in your head for days,
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然後你不斷的在腦海裡
回放當時的情況，好幾天，
回放當時的情況，好幾天，
13:57
sometimes for weeks on end.
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甚至好幾個禮拜都不停。
13:59
Ruminating about upsetting events
in this way can easily become a habit,
in this way can easily become a habit,
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反覆回味不愉快的事很容易變成習慣，
14:05
and it's a very costly one.
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而這個習慣代價很大。
14:07
Because by spending so much time focused
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
on upsetting and negative thoughts,
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因為當你花這麽多時間
在不愉快和負面的事情上，
在不愉快和負面的事情上，
14:11
you are actually putting yourself
at significant risk
at significant risk
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就是把自己放在
一個非常危險的境地，
一個非常危險的境地，
14:14
for developing clinical depression,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
alcoholism, eating disorders,
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可能誘發抑郁症，酗酒，飲食失調，
14:19
and even cardiovascular disease.
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甚至心血管疾病。
14:22
The problem is the urge to ruminate can
feel really strong and really important,
feel really strong and really important,
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問題是，那種反復回味的需要
會變得非常強烈，非常緊迫，
會變得非常強烈，非常緊迫，
14:28
so it's a difficult habit to stop.
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所以這種習慣會很難打破。
14:30
I know this for a fact,
because a little over a year ago,
because a little over a year ago,
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我知道事實如此，因為就在一年多前，
14:33
I developed the habit myself.
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我自己就經歷了這個習慣。
14:36
You see, my twin brother was diagnosed
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
with stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
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我的雙胞胎哥哥
被確診為三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。
被確診為三期非霍奇金淋巴瘤。
14:42
His cancer was extremly aggressive.
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他的癌癥來勢洶洶。
14:45
He had visible tumors all over his body.
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全身都有看得到的腫瘤。
14:48
And he had to start
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
a harsh course of chemotherapy.
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他要做一輪大劑量的化療。
14:53
And I couldn't stop thinking about
what he was going through.
what he was going through.
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而我無法不去想他所經歷的這一切。
14:58
I couldn't stop thinking about
how much he was suffering,
how much he was suffering,
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無法不去想他受的這些罪，
15:01
even though he never complained, not once.
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盡管他從沒抱怨過，一次都沒有。
15:06
He had this incredibly positive attitude.
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他有著這種不可思議的積極態度。
15:08
His psychological health was amazing.
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他的心理健康程度太了不起了。
15:12
I was physically healthy,
but psychologically I was a mess.
but psychologically I was a mess.
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當時的我身體上很健康，
心理上卻是一團糟。
心理上卻是一團糟。
15:16
But I knew what to do.
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但我知道該怎樣做。
15:18
Studies tell us that even a two-minute
distraction is sufficient
distraction is sufficient
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研究表明，哪怕只是分心短短兩分鐘
15:22
to break the urge to ruminate
in that moment.
in that moment.
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都足以打破那一刻反覆憂心的需求。
15:25
And so each time I had a worrying,
upsetting, negative thought,
upsetting, negative thought,
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所以每次當我擔心、煩惱，
或有負面情緒時，
或有負面情緒時，
15:29
I forced myself to concentrate on
something else until the urge passed.
something else until the urge passed.
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我就強迫自己專註於其它的事情，
直到那種感覺過去。
直到那種感覺過去。
15:34
And within one week,
my whole outlook changed
my whole outlook changed
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僅僅一週后，我的視角就全變了，
15:38
and became more positive
and more hopeful.
and more hopeful.
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變得更積極，更充滿希望。
「與消極思考戰鬥」
15:43
Nine weeks after he started chemotherapy,
my brother had a CAT scan,
my brother had a CAT scan,
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做了化療九周之後，
我哥哥做了電腦斷層掃描，
我哥哥做了電腦斷層掃描，
15:47
and I was by his side when
he got the results.
he got the results.
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出結果的時候，我就在他身邊。
15:51
All the tumors were gone.
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所有的腫瘤都消失了。
15:54
He still had three more rounds
of chemotherapy to go,
of chemotherapy to go,
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他還得再做三輪化療，
15:57
but we knew he would recover.
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但是我們知道他能恢復。
15:59
This picture was taken two weeks ago.
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這張照片是兩週前照的。
16:05
By taking action when you're lonely,
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當你在孤獨的時候採取行動，
16:08
by changing your responses to failure,
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當你改變對待失敗的反應，
16:12
by protecting your self-esteem,
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當你保護自己的自尊心，
16:15
by battling negative thinking,
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當你與負面的想法做鬥爭，
16:17
you won't just heal your
psychological wounds,
psychological wounds,
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你不僅可以治愈心理上的創傷，
16:19
you will build emotional resilience,
you will thrive.
you will thrive.
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還會建立起情緒恢復能力，
會變得更強。
會變得更強。
16:24
A hundred years ago,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
people began practicing personal hygiene,
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一百年以前，人們開始注重個人衛生，
16:28
and life expectancy rates rose
by over 50 percent
by over 50 percent
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人的壽命延長了超過 50%，
16:33
in just a matter of decades.
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這僅用了 10 年就實現了。
16:35
I believe our quality of life
could rise just as dramatically
could rise just as dramatically
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我相信，我們的生活質量
也會有同樣程度的提高，
也會有同樣程度的提高，
16:39
if we all began practicing
emotional hygiene.
emotional hygiene.
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如果我們開始注重情緒上的保健。
16:43
Can you imagine what
the world would be like
the world would be like
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能想像一下
這個世界將會是什麽樣子，
這個世界將會是什麽樣子，
16:45
if everyone was psychologically healthier?
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如果每個人都在心理上更健康，
16:49
If there were less loneliness
and less depression?
and less depression?
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如果世上少一些孤獨和憂鬱，
16:52
If people knew how to overcome failure?
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如果人們了解該如何走出失敗的陰影，
16:55
If they felt better about themselves
and more empowered?
and more empowered?
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如果人們更自信，充滿力量。
16:58
If they were happier and more fulfilled?
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如果人們更幸福，更滿足。
17:01
I can, because that's the world
I want to live in,
I want to live in,
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我能想像，因為我希望
生活在這樣的世界中，
生活在這樣的世界中，
17:05
and that's the world my brother
wants to live in as well.
wants to live in as well.
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我哥哥也希望
生活在這樣的世界中。
生活在這樣的世界中。
17:10
And if you just become informed
and change a few simple habits,
and change a few simple habits,
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只要你了解這些知識，
並改變一些簡單的習慣，
並改變一些簡單的習慣，
17:14
well, that's the world we can all live in.
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我們都能生活在這樣的世界中。
17:18
Thank you very much.
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非常感謝。
17:20
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com