TEDxBeaconStreet
Robert Waldinger: What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness
Filmed:
Readability: 3.5
31,511,567 views
What keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? If you think it's fame and money, you're not alone – but, according to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, you're mistaken. As the director of a 75-year-old study on adult development, Waldinger has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction. In this talk, he shares three important lessons learned from the study as well as some practical, old-as-the-hills wisdom on how to build a fulfilling, long life.
Robert Waldinger - Psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, Zen priest
Robert Waldinger is the Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history. Full bio
Robert Waldinger is the Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
What keeps us healthy and happy
0
760
2975
00:15
as we go through life?
1
3760
1560
00:18
If you were going to invest now
2
6520
2496
00:21
in your future best self,
3
9040
2056
00:23
where would you put your time
and your energy?
and your energy?
4
11120
2960
00:27
There was a recent survey of millennials
5
15120
2416
00:29
asking them what their
most important life goals were,
most important life goals were,
6
17560
5176
00:34
and over 80 percent said
7
22760
2016
00:36
that a major life goal for them
was to get rich.
was to get rich.
8
24800
4136
00:40
And another 50 percent
of those same young adults
of those same young adults
9
28960
4336
00:45
said that another major life goal
10
33320
2536
00:47
was to become famous.
11
35880
1840
00:50
(Laughter)
12
38960
1216
00:52
And we're constantly told
to lean in to work, to push harder
to lean in to work, to push harder
13
40200
6656
00:58
and achieve more.
14
46880
2056
01:00
We're given the impression that these
are the things that we need to go after
are the things that we need to go after
15
48960
3656
01:04
in order to have a good life.
16
52640
1816
01:06
Pictures of entire lives,
17
54480
2216
01:08
of the choices that people make
and how those choices work out for them,
and how those choices work out for them,
18
56720
5216
01:13
those pictures
are almost impossible to get.
are almost impossible to get.
19
61960
2880
01:18
Most of what we know about human life
20
66080
3056
01:21
we know from asking people
to remember the past,
to remember the past,
21
69160
3456
01:24
and as we know, hindsight
is anything but 20/20.
is anything but 20/20.
22
72640
4776
01:29
We forget vast amounts
of what happens to us in life,
of what happens to us in life,
23
77440
3696
01:33
and sometimes memory
is downright creative.
is downright creative.
24
81160
2880
01:36
But what if we could watch entire lives
25
84800
4376
01:41
as they unfold through time?
26
89200
2856
01:44
What if we could study people
from the time that they were teenagers
from the time that they were teenagers
27
92080
3976
01:48
all the way into old age
28
96080
2736
01:50
to see what really keeps people
happy and healthy?
happy and healthy?
29
98840
3360
01:55
We did that.
30
103560
1200
01:57
The Harvard Study of Adult Development
31
105640
2216
01:59
may be the longest study
of adult life that's ever been done.
of adult life that's ever been done.
32
107880
4760
02:05
For 75 years, we've tracked
the lives of 724 men,
the lives of 724 men,
33
113720
6120
02:13
year after year, asking about their work,
their home lives, their health,
their home lives, their health,
34
121360
4496
02:17
and of course asking all along the way
without knowing how their life stories
without knowing how their life stories
35
125880
4376
02:22
were going to turn out.
36
130280
1440
02:25
Studies like this are exceedingly rare.
37
133280
3616
02:28
Almost all projects of this kind
fall apart within a decade
fall apart within a decade
38
136920
4056
02:33
because too many people
drop out of the study,
drop out of the study,
39
141000
3176
02:36
or funding for the research dries up,
40
144200
2896
02:39
or the researchers get distracted,
41
147120
2256
02:41
or they die, and nobody moves the ball
further down the field.
further down the field.
42
149400
4080
02:46
But through a combination of luck
43
154280
2256
02:48
and the persistence
of several generations of researchers,
of several generations of researchers,
44
156560
3696
02:52
this study has survived.
45
160280
1560
02:54
About 60 of our original 724 men
46
162520
4496
02:59
are still alive,
47
167040
1296
03:00
still participating in the study,
48
168360
2176
03:02
most of them in their 90s.
49
170560
2040
03:05
And we are now beginning to study
50
173560
1896
03:07
the more than 2,000 children of these men.
51
175480
3360
03:11
And I'm the fourth director of the study.
52
179680
2320
03:15
Since 1938, we've tracked the lives
of two groups of men.
of two groups of men.
53
183400
4736
03:20
The first group started in the study
54
188160
2136
03:22
when they were sophomores
at Harvard College.
at Harvard College.
55
190320
2696
03:25
They all finished college
during World War II,
during World War II,
56
193040
2816
03:27
and then most went off
to serve in the war.
to serve in the war.
57
195880
2440
03:31
And the second group that we've followed
58
199280
2136
03:33
was a group of boys
from Boston's poorest neighborhoods,
from Boston's poorest neighborhoods,
59
201440
4176
03:37
boys who were chosen for the study
60
205640
2016
03:39
specifically because they were
from some of the most troubled
from some of the most troubled
61
207680
3336
03:43
and disadvantaged families
62
211040
1856
03:44
in the Boston of the 1930s.
63
212920
2736
03:47
Most lived in tenements,
many without hot and cold running water.
many without hot and cold running water.
64
215680
4600
03:54
When they entered the study,
65
222520
1896
03:56
all of these teenagers were interviewed.
66
224440
2936
03:59
They were given medical exams.
67
227400
2216
04:01
We went to their homes
and we interviewed their parents.
and we interviewed their parents.
68
229640
3536
04:05
And then these teenagers
grew up into adults
grew up into adults
69
233200
2376
04:07
who entered all walks of life.
70
235600
2416
04:10
They became factory workers and lawyers
and bricklayers and doctors,
and bricklayers and doctors,
71
238040
6096
04:16
one President of the United States.
72
244160
2360
04:20
Some developed alcoholism.
A few developed schizophrenia.
A few developed schizophrenia.
73
248160
4240
04:25
Some climbed the social ladder
74
253320
2296
04:27
from the bottom
all the way to the very top,
all the way to the very top,
75
255640
3216
04:30
and some made that journey
in the opposite direction.
in the opposite direction.
76
258880
3280
04:35
The founders of this study
77
263520
2936
04:38
would never in their wildest dreams
78
266480
2016
04:40
have imagined that I would be
standing here today, 75 years later,
standing here today, 75 years later,
79
268520
4536
04:45
telling you that
the study still continues.
the study still continues.
80
273080
3080
04:49
Every two years, our patient
and dedicated research staff
and dedicated research staff
81
277280
3616
04:52
calls up our men
and asks them if we can send them
and asks them if we can send them
82
280920
3056
04:56
yet one more set of questions
about their lives.
about their lives.
83
284000
3120
05:00
Many of the inner city Boston men ask us,
84
288040
3576
05:03
"Why do you keep wanting to study me?
My life just isn't that interesting."
My life just isn't that interesting."
85
291640
3880
05:08
The Harvard men never ask that question.
86
296600
2376
05:11
(Laughter)
87
299000
5200
05:20
To get the clearest picture
of these lives,
of these lives,
88
308920
2856
05:23
we don't just send them questionnaires.
89
311800
2936
05:26
We interview them in their living rooms.
90
314760
2456
05:29
We get their medical records
from their doctors.
from their doctors.
91
317240
2936
05:32
We draw their blood, we scan their brains,
92
320200
2496
05:34
we talk to their children.
93
322720
1696
05:36
We videotape them talking with their wives
about their deepest concerns.
about their deepest concerns.
94
324440
5256
05:41
And when, about a decade ago,
we finally asked the wives
we finally asked the wives
95
329720
3536
05:45
if they would join us
as members of the study,
as members of the study,
96
333280
2376
05:47
many of the women said,
"You know, it's about time."
"You know, it's about time."
97
335680
2696
05:50
(Laughter)
98
338400
1056
05:51
So what have we learned?
99
339480
1696
05:53
What are the lessons that come
from the tens of thousands of pages
from the tens of thousands of pages
100
341200
5216
05:58
of information that we've generated
101
346440
3056
06:01
on these lives?
102
349520
1200
06:03
Well, the lessons aren't about wealth
or fame or working harder and harder.
or fame or working harder and harder.
103
351720
5600
06:10
The clearest message that we get
from this 75-year study is this:
from this 75-year study is this:
104
358520
6296
06:16
Good relationships keep us
happier and healthier. Period.
happier and healthier. Period.
105
364840
5200
06:23
We've learned three big lessons
about relationships.
about relationships.
106
371000
3816
06:26
The first is that social connections
are really good for us,
are really good for us,
107
374840
4096
06:30
and that loneliness kills.
108
378960
2496
06:33
It turns out that people
who are more socially connected
who are more socially connected
109
381480
3656
06:37
to family, to friends, to community,
110
385160
3096
06:40
are happier, they're physically healthier,
and they live longer
and they live longer
111
388280
4696
06:45
than people who are less well connected.
112
393000
3376
06:48
And the experience of loneliness
turns out to be toxic.
turns out to be toxic.
113
396400
3416
06:51
People who are more isolated
than they want to be from others
than they want to be from others
114
399840
5136
06:57
find that they are less happy,
115
405000
3216
07:00
their health declines earlier in midlife,
116
408240
2936
07:03
their brain functioning declines sooner
117
411200
2216
07:05
and they live shorter lives
than people who are not lonely.
than people who are not lonely.
118
413440
3560
07:10
And the sad fact
is that at any given time,
is that at any given time,
119
418040
3216
07:13
more than one in five Americans
will report that they're lonely.
will report that they're lonely.
120
421280
4600
07:19
And we know that you
can be lonely in a crowd
can be lonely in a crowd
121
427040
2656
07:21
and you can be lonely in a marriage,
122
429720
2656
07:24
so the second big lesson that we learned
123
432400
2136
07:26
is that it's not just
the number of friends you have,
the number of friends you have,
124
434560
3096
07:29
and it's not whether or not
you're in a committed relationship,
you're in a committed relationship,
125
437680
3496
07:33
but it's the quality
of your close relationships that matters.
of your close relationships that matters.
126
441200
4640
07:38
It turns out that living in the midst
of conflict is really bad for our health.
of conflict is really bad for our health.
127
446560
4776
07:43
High-conflict marriages, for example,
without much affection,
without much affection,
128
451360
3976
07:47
turn out to be very bad for our health,
perhaps worse than getting divorced.
perhaps worse than getting divorced.
129
455360
5776
07:53
And living in the midst of good,
warm relationships is protective.
warm relationships is protective.
130
461160
4776
07:57
Once we had followed our men
all the way into their 80s,
all the way into their 80s,
131
465960
3096
08:01
we wanted to look back at them at midlife
132
469080
3016
08:04
and to see if we could predict
133
472120
1576
08:05
who was going to grow
into a happy, healthy octogenarian
into a happy, healthy octogenarian
134
473720
3976
08:09
and who wasn't.
135
477720
1200
08:11
And when we gathered together
everything we knew about them
everything we knew about them
136
479680
4216
08:15
at age 50,
137
483920
1360
08:18
it wasn't their middle age
cholesterol levels
cholesterol levels
138
486080
2536
08:20
that predicted how they
were going to grow old.
were going to grow old.
139
488640
2896
08:23
It was how satisfied they were
in their relationships.
in their relationships.
140
491560
3456
08:27
The people who were the most satisfied
in their relationships at age 50
in their relationships at age 50
141
495040
4896
08:31
were the healthiest at age 80.
142
499960
2400
08:35
And good, close relationships
seem to buffer us
seem to buffer us
143
503680
3176
08:38
from some of the slings and arrows
of getting old.
of getting old.
144
506880
2760
08:42
Our most happily partnered men and women
145
510480
3976
08:46
reported, in their 80s,
146
514480
2055
08:48
that on the days
when they had more physical pain,
when they had more physical pain,
147
516559
2937
08:51
their mood stayed just as happy.
148
519520
1960
08:54
But the people who were
in unhappy relationships,
in unhappy relationships,
149
522400
3256
08:57
on the days when they
reported more physical pain,
reported more physical pain,
150
525680
2936
09:00
it was magnified by more emotional pain.
151
528640
3040
09:04
And the third big lesson that we learned
about relationships and our health
about relationships and our health
152
532360
4376
09:08
is that good relationships
don't just protect our bodies,
don't just protect our bodies,
153
536760
3256
09:12
they protect our brains.
154
540040
1480
09:14
It turns out that being
in a securely attached relationship
in a securely attached relationship
155
542440
4656
09:19
to another person in your 80s
is protective,
is protective,
156
547120
3896
09:23
that the people who are in relationships
157
551040
1976
09:25
where they really feel they can count
on the other person in times of need,
on the other person in times of need,
158
553040
4136
09:29
those people's memories
stay sharper longer.
stay sharper longer.
159
557200
3696
09:32
And the people in relationships
160
560920
1496
09:34
where they feel they really
can't count on the other one,
can't count on the other one,
161
562440
3136
09:37
those are the people who experience
earlier memory decline.
earlier memory decline.
162
565600
3880
09:42
And those good relationships,
they don't have to be smooth all the time.
they don't have to be smooth all the time.
163
570520
3456
09:46
Some of our octogenarian couples
could bicker with each other
could bicker with each other
164
574000
3576
09:49
day in and day out,
165
577600
1736
09:51
but as long as they felt that they
could really count on the other
could really count on the other
166
579360
3176
09:54
when the going got tough,
167
582560
1816
09:56
those arguments didn't take a toll
on their memories.
on their memories.
168
584400
3600
10:01
So this message,
169
589600
2736
10:04
that good, close relationships
are good for our health and well-being,
are good for our health and well-being,
170
592360
5696
10:10
this is wisdom that's as old as the hills.
171
598080
2936
10:13
Why is this so hard to get
and so easy to ignore?
and so easy to ignore?
172
601040
3840
10:17
Well, we're human.
173
605560
1456
10:19
What we'd really like is a quick fix,
174
607040
2816
10:21
something we can get
175
609880
1696
10:23
that'll make our lives good
and keep them that way.
and keep them that way.
176
611600
2760
10:27
Relationships are messy
and they're complicated
and they're complicated
177
615320
3336
10:30
and the hard work of tending
to family and friends,
to family and friends,
178
618680
3816
10:34
it's not sexy or glamorous.
179
622520
2656
10:37
It's also lifelong. It never ends.
180
625200
3336
10:40
The people in our 75-year study
who were the happiest in retirement
who were the happiest in retirement
181
628560
5056
10:45
were the people who had actively worked
to replace workmates with new playmates.
to replace workmates with new playmates.
182
633640
5816
10:51
Just like the millennials
in that recent survey,
in that recent survey,
183
639480
2976
10:54
many of our men when they
were starting out as young adults
were starting out as young adults
184
642480
3616
10:58
really believed that fame and wealth
and high achievement
and high achievement
185
646120
4016
11:02
were what they needed to go after
to have a good life.
to have a good life.
186
650160
3936
11:06
But over and over, over these 75 years,
our study has shown
our study has shown
187
654120
4176
11:10
that the people who fared the best were
the people who leaned in to relationships,
the people who leaned in to relationships,
188
658320
5656
11:16
with family, with friends, with community.
189
664000
3240
11:21
So what about you?
190
669080
1976
11:23
Let's say you're 25,
or you're 40, or you're 60.
or you're 40, or you're 60.
191
671080
3760
11:27
What might leaning in
to relationships even look like?
to relationships even look like?
192
675800
2960
11:31
Well, the possibilities
are practically endless.
are practically endless.
193
679760
3120
11:35
It might be something as simple
as replacing screen time with people time
as replacing screen time with people time
194
683600
6096
11:41
or livening up a stale relationship
by doing something new together,
by doing something new together,
195
689720
4456
11:46
long walks or date nights,
196
694200
2200
11:49
or reaching out to that family member
who you haven't spoken to in years,
who you haven't spoken to in years,
197
697360
4856
11:54
because those all-too-common family feuds
198
702240
3496
11:57
take a terrible toll
199
705760
2216
12:00
on the people who hold the grudges.
200
708000
2080
12:04
I'd like to close with a quote
from Mark Twain.
from Mark Twain.
201
712000
3920
12:09
More than a century ago,
202
717280
2376
12:11
he was looking back on his life,
203
719680
2616
12:14
and he wrote this:
204
722320
1280
12:16
"There isn't time, so brief is life,
205
724840
3696
12:20
for bickerings, apologies,
heartburnings, callings to account.
heartburnings, callings to account.
206
728560
5160
12:26
There is only time for loving,
207
734720
2816
12:29
and but an instant,
so to speak, for that."
so to speak, for that."
208
737560
3720
12:34
The good life is built
with good relationships.
with good relationships.
209
742760
4376
12:39
Thank you.
210
747160
1216
12:40
(Applause)
211
748400
5440
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Robert Waldinger - Psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, Zen priestRobert Waldinger is the Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the most comprehensive longitudinal studies in history.
Why you should listen
Robert Waldinger is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst and Zen priest. He is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies of adult life ever done. The Study tracked the lives of two groups of men for over 75 years, and it now follows their Baby Boomer children to understand how childhood experience reaches across decades to affect health and wellbeing in middle age. He writes about what science and Zen can teach us about healthy human development.
Dr. Waldinger is the author of numerous scientific papers as well as two books. He teaches medical students and psychiatry residents at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, and he is a Senior Dharma Teacher in Boundless Way Zen.
To keep abreast of research findings, insights and more, visit robertwaldinger.com.
Robert Waldinger | Speaker | TED.com