TED2012
Brené Brown: Listening to shame
Brené Brown: Poslušati sram
Filmed:
Readability: 3.2
13,362,658 views
Sram je neizrečena epidemija, je skrivnost, ki tiči za številnimi oblikami nefunkcionalnega vedenja. Brené Brown, čigar nastopi o ranljivosti so postali pravi hit, raziskuje kaj se lahko zgodi, ko se ljudje soočijo s sramom. Njena beseda je obsijana s posebnim humorjem, človečnostjo in ranljivostjo.
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcher
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I'm going to tell you a little bit
0
0
3000
Povedala vam bom nekaj
00:18
about my TEDxHouston Talk.
1
3000
2000
v zvezi z nastopom na dogodku TEDxHouston.
00:20
I woke up the morning after I gave that Talk
2
5000
4000
Po tistem nastopu sem zjutraj vstala
00:24
with the worst vulnerability hangover
3
9000
3000
z največjim "ranljivostnim mačkom"
00:27
of my life.
4
12000
2000
v življenju.
00:29
And I actually didn't leave my house
5
14000
3000
Hiše nisem zapustila
00:32
for about three days.
6
17000
2000
približno tri dni.
00:34
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.
7
19000
4000
Nato sem šla na kosilo s prijateljico.
00:38
And when I walked in, she was already at the table.
8
23000
2000
Ko sem vstopila, je bila že za mizo.
00:40
And I sat down, and she said,
9
25000
2000
Prisedem in reče mi:
00:42
"God, you look like hell."
10
27000
2000
"Moj bog, izgledaš pa slabo",
00:44
I said, "Thanks. I feel really --
11
29000
2000
"Hvala," ji odgovorim.
"Počutim se res --
"Počutim se res --
00:46
I'm not functioning."
12
31000
3000
Sploh ne funkcioniram."
00:49
And she said, "What's going on?"
13
34000
2000
Vpraša me je, kaj se dogaja.
00:51
And I said, "I just told
14
36000
2000
"Pravkar sem povedala
00:53
500 people
15
38000
3000
petsto ljudem,
00:56
that I became a researcher
16
41000
2000
da sem postala raziskovalka,
00:58
to avoid vulnerability.
17
43000
2000
da bi se izognila ranljivosti.
01:00
And that when being vulnerable
18
45000
2000
In ko so moji podatki pokazali,
da je ranljivost
da je ranljivost
01:02
emerged from my data,
19
47000
2000
01:04
as absolutely essential
20
49000
3000
nekaj absolutno nujnega
01:07
to whole-hearted living,
21
52000
2000
za polno življenje,
01:09
I told these 500 people
22
54000
2000
grem povedat celotni publiki,
01:11
that I had a breakdown.
23
56000
2000
da sem doživela živčni zlom.
01:13
I had a slide that said Breakdown.
24
58000
2000
Na diapozitivu mi je pisalo "Živčni zlom".
01:15
At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
25
60000
3000
Kako se mi je to lahko zdela dobra ideja?"
01:18
(Laughter)
26
63000
3000
(Smeh)
01:21
And she said, "I saw your Talk live-streamed.
27
66000
2000
Pa reče: "Tvoj nastop sem gledala v živo.
01:23
It was not really you.
28
68000
2000
Nisi si bila prav podobna.
Bil je malo drugačen od tega,
kar narediš ponavadi.
kar narediš ponavadi.
01:25
It was a little different than what you usually do.
29
70000
2000
01:27
But it was great."
30
72000
2000
Ampak bilo je super."
01:29
And I said,
31
74000
2000
In jaz ji rečem:
01:31
"This can't happen.
32
76000
2000
"To se ne sme zgoditi."
01:33
YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.
33
78000
2000
"To stvar bodo naložili na YouTube."
01:35
And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
34
80000
4000
"In potem jo bo videlo 600, 700 ljudi."
01:39
(Laughter)
35
84000
4000
(Smeh)
01:43
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
36
88000
3000
In reče: "No, mislim, da je prepozno."
01:46
And I said, "Let me ask you something."
37
91000
2000
In ji rečem: "Te lahko nekaj vprašam?"
01:48
And she said, "Yeah."
38
93000
2000
In ona reče: "Ja."
01:50
And I said, "Do you remember when we were in college
39
95000
2000
In rečem: "Se spomniš faksa,
01:52
and really wild and kind of dumb?"
40
97000
2000
ko sva bili čisto podivjani
in malo neumni?"
in malo neumni?"
01:54
And she said, "Yeah."
41
99000
2000
In odgovori: "Ja."
01:56
And I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message
42
101000
2000
"Veš, ko pustiš res grozno sporočilo
01:58
on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?
43
103000
2000
na tajnici svojega bivšega?
02:00
Then we'd have to break into his dorm room
44
105000
2000
In potem mu moraš vdreti v sobo
02:02
and then erase the tape?"
45
107000
2000
in zbrisati kaseto?"
02:04
(Laughter)
46
109000
2000
(Smeh)
02:06
And she goes, "Uh ... no."
47
111000
3000
In ona reče: "Uh... Ne."
02:09
(Laughter)
48
114000
2000
(Smeh)
02:11
So of course, the only thing I could think of to say at that point was,
49
116000
3000
Na tej točki sem seveda lahko rekla samo:
02:14
"Yeah, me neither.
50
119000
2000
"Ne, niti jaz ne.
02:16
That ... me neither."
51
121000
3000
To... Res ne."
02:20
And I'm thinking to myself,
52
125000
2000
In sama pri sebi si mislim:
02:22
"Brene, what are you doing? What are you doing?
53
127000
3000
"Brené, kaj delaš? Kaj delaš?
02:25
Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind?
54
130000
3000
Zakaj si to omenila? Se ti je zmešalo?
02:28
Your sisters would be perfect for this."
55
133000
3000
Tvoji sestri bi bili idealni za tole."
02:32
So I looked back up and she said,
56
137000
3000
Ko spet pogledam gor, mi reče:
02:35
"Are you really going to try to break in
57
140000
3000
"Boš res poskušala vlomiti k njim
02:38
and steal the video
58
143000
2000
in ukrasti video,
02:40
before they put it on YouTube?"
59
145000
3000
preden ga naložijo na YouTube?"
02:43
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
60
148000
3000
In ji rečem: "Samo malo razmišljam o tem."
02:46
(Laughter)
61
151000
2000
(Smeh)
02:48
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
62
153000
4000
In ona reče: "Ti si najslabša
vzornica za ranljivost sploh."
vzornica za ranljivost sploh."
02:52
(Laughter)
63
157000
3000
(Smeh)
02:55
And then I looked at her and I said something
64
160000
2000
In potem sem jo pogledala in rekla nekaj,
02:57
that at the time felt a little dramatic,
65
162000
2000
kar se je takrat zdelo dramatično,
02:59
but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.
66
164000
2000
ampak se je izkazalo za preroško.
03:01
I said,
67
166000
2000
Rekla sem:
03:03
"If 500 turns into 1,000
68
168000
4000
"Če se 500 spremeni v 1000
03:07
or 2,000,
69
172000
2000
ali 2000,
03:09
my life is over."
70
174000
2000
bo mojega življenja konec."
03:11
(Laughter)
71
176000
2000
(Smeh)
03:13
I had no contingency plan for four million.
72
178000
3000
Nisem imela kriznega načrta za 4 milijone.
03:16
(Laughter)
73
181000
3000
(Smeh)
03:20
And my life did end when that happened.
74
185000
3000
In mojega življenja
je bilo takrat res konec.
je bilo takrat res konec.
03:23
And maybe the hardest part about my life ending
75
188000
4000
Mogoče je bilo pri tem najtežje,
03:27
is that I learned something hard about myself,
76
192000
4000
da sem se naučila nekaj težkega o sebi
03:31
and that was that,
77
196000
3000
in sicer:
čeprav bi me frustriralo,
03:34
as much as I would frustrated
78
199000
2000
če svojega dela
ne bi mogla predstaviti svetu,
ne bi mogla predstaviti svetu,
03:36
about not being able to get my work out to the world,
79
201000
2000
03:38
there was a part of me that was working very hard
80
203000
3000
se je del mene močno trudil,
03:41
to engineer staying small,
81
206000
3000
da bi ostala majhna
03:44
staying right under the radar.
82
209000
3000
in neopažena.
03:48
But I want to talk about what I've learned.
83
213000
2000
Rada bi vam povedala, kaj sem se naučila.
03:50
There's two things that I've learned in the last year.
84
215000
3000
V preteklem letu sem se naučila dvoje.
03:54
The first is
85
219000
4000
Prvič,
ranljivost ni šibkost.
03:58
vulnerability is not weakness.
86
223000
4000
04:02
And that myth
87
227000
2000
To prepričanje
04:04
is profoundly dangerous.
88
229000
2000
je izredno nevarno.
04:06
Let me ask you honestly --
89
231000
2000
Naj vas iskreno vprašam --
04:08
and I'll give you this warning,
90
233000
2000
in opozarjam vas,
04:10
I'm trained as a therapist,
91
235000
2000
da sem izučena terapevtka,
04:12
so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --
92
237000
3000
in lahko vzdržim
več neprijetnega čakanja od vas --
več neprijetnega čakanja od vas --
04:15
so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --
93
240000
3000
Super bi bilo, če bi lahko dvignili roke
04:18
how many of you honestly,
94
243000
2000
tisti med vami, ki
04:20
when you're thinking about doing something vulnerable
95
245000
2000
ko pomislite,
da bi storili nekaj ranljivega
da bi storili nekaj ranljivega
04:22
or saying something vulnerable,
96
247000
2000
ali rekli nekaj ranljivega,
04:24
think, "God, vulnerability's weakness. This is weakness?"
97
249000
2000
pomislite: "Joj, ranljivost je šibkost."
04:26
How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?
98
251000
3000
Komu se zdi, da sta
ranljivost in šibkost sopomenki?
ranljivost in šibkost sopomenki?
04:29
The majority of people.
99
254000
2000
Večini ljudi.
04:31
Now let me ask you this question:
100
256000
2000
Naj vas zdaj vprašam tole:
04:33
This past week at TED,
101
258000
3000
Ta teden na konferenci TED,
04:36
how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,
102
261000
3000
ko ste na tem odru videli ranljivost,
04:39
thought it was pure courage?
103
264000
2000
komu od vas se je zdela
kot čisti pogum?
kot čisti pogum?
04:43
Vulnerability is not weakness.
104
268000
3000
Ranljivost ni šibkost.
04:46
I define vulnerability
105
271000
2000
Ranljivost definiram
04:48
as emotional risk,
106
273000
3000
kot čustveno tveganje,
04:51
exposure, uncertainty.
107
276000
3000
izpostavljanje, negotovost.
04:54
It fuels our daily lives.
108
279000
2000
To je gonilo našega vsakdanjega življenja.
04:56
And I've come to the belief --
109
281000
2000
In prišla sem do spoznanja --
04:58
this is my 12th year doing this research --
110
283000
2000
to je moje dvanajsto leto
s to raziskavo --
s to raziskavo --
05:00
that vulnerability
111
285000
2000
da je ranljivost
05:02
is our most accurate measurement
112
287000
3000
naše najbolj natančno merilo
05:05
of courage --
113
290000
3000
poguma.
05:08
to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,
114
293000
3000
Biti ranljiv, dopustiti,
da nas drugi vidijo,
da nas drugi vidijo,
05:11
to be honest.
115
296000
2000
biti iskren.
05:13
One of the weird things that's happened
116
298000
2000
Ena od nenavadnih stvari,
ki so se zgodile:
ki so se zgodile:
05:15
is, after the TED explosion,
117
300000
2000
po TED ekploziji sem dobila
05:17
I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --
118
302000
3000
ogromno ponudb
za nastope po celi državi --
za nastope po celi državi --
05:20
everyone from schools and parent meetings
119
305000
3000
od šol in skupin za starše
05:23
to Fortune 500 companies.
120
308000
3000
do podjetij z lestvice Fortune 500.
05:26
And so many of the calls went like this,
121
311000
2000
In toliko klicev se je začelo takole:
05:28
"Hey, Dr. Brown. We loved your TEDTalk.
122
313000
2000
"Dr. Brown,
vaš TED nastop je bil super."
vaš TED nastop je bil super."
05:30
We'd like you to come in and speak.
123
315000
2000
Radi bi, da pridete nastopit k nam.
05:32
We'd appreciate it
124
317000
2000
Res bi bili hvaležni,
05:34
if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
125
319000
3000
če ne bi omenili ranljivosti ali sramu."
(Smeh)
05:37
(Laughter)
126
322000
4000
05:41
What would you like for me to talk about?
127
326000
3000
O čem bi radi, da govorim?
05:44
There's three big answers.
128
329000
2000
Obstajajo trije glavni odgovori
05:46
This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:
129
331000
3000
po pravici povedano
predvsem iz poslovnega sektorja:
predvsem iz poslovnega sektorja:
05:49
innovation, creativity
130
334000
2000
inovacija, kreativnost
05:51
and change.
131
336000
3000
in spremembe.
05:55
So let me go on the record
132
340000
2000
Naj tukaj javno
05:57
and say,
133
342000
2000
povem tole:
05:59
vulnerability is the birthplace
134
344000
2000
ranljivost je zibelka
06:01
of innovation, creativity and change.
135
346000
3000
inovacij, kreativnosti in sprememb.
06:04
(Applause)
136
349000
5000
(Aplavz)
06:12
To create is to make something
137
357000
3000
Ustvarjati pomeni narediti nekaj,
06:15
that has never existed before.
138
360000
3000
kar prej še ni obstajalo.
06:18
There's nothing more vulnerable than that.
139
363000
3000
Nič ni bolj ranljivega.
06:21
Adaptability to change
140
366000
2000
Prilagajanje spremembam
06:23
is all about vulnerability.
141
368000
2000
je močno povezano z ranljivostjo.
06:25
The second thing,
142
370000
2000
Drugič,
06:27
in addition to really finally understanding
143
372000
4000
poleg tega, da sem končno res razumela
06:31
the relationship between vulnerability and courage,
144
376000
2000
razmerje med ranljivostjo in pogumom,
06:33
the second thing I learned is this:
145
378000
3000
sem se naučila tudi tole:
06:36
We have to talk about shame.
146
381000
3000
moramo govoriti o sramu.
06:41
And I'm going to be really honest with you.
147
386000
2000
In z vami bom res odkrita.
06:43
When I became a "vulnerability researcher"
148
388000
4000
Ko sem postala "raziskovalka ranljivosti"
06:47
and that became the focus because of the TEDTalk --
149
392000
3000
in je bilo to v središču pozornosti
zaradi nastopa na TED-u,
zaradi nastopa na TED-u,
06:50
and I'm not kidding.
150
395000
2000
brez šale.
06:52
I'll give you an example.
151
397000
2000
Dala vam bom primer.
Pred približno tremi meseci,
sem bila v športni trgovini.
sem bila v športni trgovini.
06:54
About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store
152
399000
2000
06:56
buying goggles and shin guards
153
401000
2000
Kupovala sem zaščitna očala in ščitnike
06:58
and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.
154
403000
3000
in vse ostalo, kar starši kupujejo
v športni trgovini.
v športni trgovini.
07:01
About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:
155
406000
3000
Približno 30 metrov stran zaslišim:
07:04
"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
156
409000
3000
"Ranljivost TED! Ranljivost TED!"
07:07
(Laughter)
157
412000
8000
(Smeh)
Moja družina že pet generacij
živi v Teksasu.
živi v Teksasu.
07:15
I'm a fifth generation Texan.
158
420000
2000
07:17
Our family motto is "Lock and load."
159
422000
3000
Naš moto je "Bodi pripravljen."
07:20
I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.
160
425000
4000
Nisem rojena za raziskovalko ranljivosti.
07:25
So I'm like,
161
430000
2000
In tako rečem:
07:27
just keep walking, she's on my six.
162
432000
2000
"Kar hodi naprej, za mano je."
07:29
(Laughter)
163
434000
2000
(Smeh)
07:31
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"
164
436000
4000
In potem zaslišim, "TED Ranljivost!"
07:35
I turn around, I go, "Hi."
165
440000
3000
Obrnem se in rečem: "Živjo."
07:38
She's right here and she said,
166
443000
2000
Stala je tam in mi rekla:
07:40
"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
167
445000
3000
"Ti si raziskovalka sramu,
ki je imela živčni zlom."
ki je imela živčni zlom."
07:43
(Laughter)
168
448000
4000
(Smeh)
07:47
At this point
169
452000
2000
Na tej točki
07:49
parents are, like, pulling their children close.
170
454000
3000
so starši svoje otroke potegnili k sebi.
07:53
"Look away."
171
458000
2000
"Stran glej."
07:57
And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,
172
462000
2000
In jaz sem bila že tako izmučena,
07:59
I look at her and I actually say,
173
464000
2000
da sem jo pogledala in rekla:
08:01
"It was a frickin' spiritual awakening."
174
466000
3000
"Bilo je presneto duhovno prebujenje."
08:04
(Laughter)
175
469000
2000
(Smeh)
08:06
(Applause)
176
471000
2000
(Aplavz)
08:08
And she looks back and does this,
177
473000
2000
In ona me pogleda nazaj in reče:
08:10
"I know."
178
475000
2000
"Vem."
08:12
And she said,
179
477000
2000
In rekla mi je:
08:14
"We watched your TEDTalk in my book club.
180
479000
3000
"Z bralnim klubom smo gledali
tvoj TED nastop.
tvoj TED nastop.
08:17
Then we read your book
181
482000
2000
Potem smo prebrali tvojo knjigo
08:19
and we renamed ourselves
182
484000
2000
in se preimenovali
08:21
'The Breakdown Babes.'"
183
486000
3000
v 'Ženske sredi živčnega zloma'.
08:24
And she said, "Our tagline is:
184
489000
2000
Naš slogan je:
08:26
'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
185
491000
4000
'Sesuvamo se in občutek je fantastičen.'"
08:30
(Laughter)
186
495000
3000
(Smeh)
08:33
You can only imagine
187
498000
2000
Lahko si samo predstavljate,
08:35
what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
188
500000
3000
kako se počutim med sestanki na fakulteti.
08:40
So when I became Vulnerability TED,
189
505000
2000
Tako sem postala TED Ranljivost,
08:42
like an action figure --
190
507000
3000
kot igrača, akcijska figura --
08:45
like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --
191
510000
4000
kot nindža Barbie,
samo da sem jaz TED Ranljivost.
samo da sem jaz TED Ranljivost.
08:49
I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,
192
514000
3000
Mislila sem si, da bom vse tisto o sramu
pustila za sabo,
pustila za sabo,
08:52
because I spent six years studying shame
193
517000
3000
ker sem šest let proučevala sram
08:55
before I really started writing and talking about vulnerability.
194
520000
3000
preden sem zares začela pisati in govoriti
o ranljivosti.
o ranljivosti.
08:58
And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,
195
523000
3000
In mislila sem si, hvala Bogu,
ker je sram taka grozna tema.
ker je sram taka grozna tema.
09:01
no one wants to talk about it.
196
526000
2000
Nihče noče govoriti o sramu.
To je najboljši način,
da utišate soseda na letu.
da utišate soseda na letu.
09:03
It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.
197
528000
2000
09:05
"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
198
530000
2000
"S čim se ukvarjate?"
"Raziskujem sram." -"Oh."
"Raziskujem sram." -"Oh."
09:07
(Laughter)
199
532000
2000
(Smeh)
09:09
And I see you.
200
534000
2000
In vidim vas.
09:11
(Laughter)
201
536000
6000
(Smeh)
09:17
But in surviving this last year,
202
542000
3000
Ampak, ko sem preživela preteklo leto,
09:20
I was reminded of a cardinal rule --
203
545000
3000
sem se spomnila glavnega pravila --
09:23
not a research rule,
204
548000
3000
ne pravila za raziskovanje,
09:26
but a moral imperative
205
551000
2000
ampak moralne obveze
09:28
from my upbringing --
206
553000
2000
iz svoje vzgoje --
09:30
you've got to dance with the one who brung ya.
207
555000
4000
Plesati moraš s tistim,
ki te je pripeljal.
ki te je pripeljal.
09:34
And I did not learn about vulnerability
208
559000
2000
Nisem se naučila o ranljivosti
09:36
and courage and creativity and innovation
209
561000
3000
in pogumu in ustvarjalnosti in inovaciji
09:39
from studying vulnerability.
210
564000
3000
s proučevanjem ranljivosti.
09:42
I learned about these things
211
567000
2000
O teh stvareh sem se naučila
09:44
from studying shame.
212
569000
2000
s proučevanjem sramu.
09:46
And so I want to walk you in
213
571000
2000
In tako vam hočem predstaviti sram.
09:48
to shame.
214
573000
2000
09:50
Jungian analysts call shame
215
575000
3000
Jungovski analitiki sram imenujejo
09:53
the swampland of the soul.
216
578000
3000
močvirje duše.
09:56
And we're going to walk in.
217
581000
2000
In mi bomo zabredli v močvirje.
09:58
And the purpose is not to walk in
218
583000
2000
Namen tega ni, da zabredemo v močvirje
10:00
and construct a home and live there.
219
585000
2000
in si tam zgradimo hišo in tam živimo.
10:02
It is to put on some galoshes
220
587000
4000
Namen je, da si nataknemo galoše
10:06
and walk through and find our way around.
221
591000
3000
in prečkamo močvirje in najdemo svojo pot.
10:11
Here's why.
222
596000
2000
In sicer zato.
10:15
We heard the most compelling call ever
223
600000
2000
Slišali smo najbolj prepričljiv poziv,
10:17
to have a conversation in this country,
224
602000
3000
da se v tej državi
10:20
and I think globally,
225
605000
2000
in tudi globalno
10:22
around race, right?
226
607000
2000
pogovorimo o rasi, kajne?
10:24
Yes? We heard that.
227
609000
2000
Kajne? To smo slišali.
10:26
Yes?
228
611000
2000
Kajne?
10:28
Cannot have that conversation without shame,
229
613000
3000
Tega pogovora ne moremo imeti brez sramu,
10:31
because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.
230
616000
3000
ker ne moreš govoriti o rasi,
ne da bi govoril o privilegiranosti.
ne da bi govoril o privilegiranosti.
10:34
And when people start talking about privilege,
231
619000
3000
In ko ljudje začnejo govoriti
o privilegiranosti,
o privilegiranosti,
10:37
they get paralyzed by shame.
232
622000
2000
jih paralizira sram.
10:39
We heard a brilliant simple solution
233
624000
2000
Slišali smo briljantno preprosto rešitev,
10:41
to not killing people in surgery,
234
626000
2000
kako ne ubiti človeka med operacijo.
10:43
which is have a checklist.
235
628000
2000
Imeti je treba seznam.
10:45
You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,
236
630000
3000
Tega problema ne moreš rešiti,
ne da bi se lotil sramu.
ne da bi se lotil sramu.
10:48
because when they teach those folks how to suture,
237
633000
4000
Ko te kirurge učijo, kako narediti šive,
10:52
they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth
238
637000
3000
jih naučijo tudi,
kako svoje samospoštovanje prišiti
kako svoje samospoštovanje prišiti
10:55
to being all-powerful.
239
640000
2000
na to, da so vsemogočni.
10:57
And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
240
642000
4000
In vsemogočni ljudje ne potrebujejo
nobenih seznamov.
nobenih seznamov.
11:02
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow
241
647000
2000
Morala sem si zapisati ime tega TED člana,
11:04
so I didn't mess it up here.
242
649000
2000
da se ne bi zmotila na odru.
11:06
Myshkin Ingawale,
243
651000
2000
Myshkin Ingawale.
11:08
I hope I did right by you.
244
653000
2000
Upam, da sem to prav rekla.
11:10
(Applause)
245
655000
3000
(Aplavz)
11:13
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.
246
658000
2000
TED člane sem videla prvi dan konference.
11:15
And he got up and he explained
247
660000
2000
Vstal je in pojasnil,
11:17
how he was driven to create
248
662000
2000
kako se je odločil ustvariti
11:19
some technology to help test for anemia
249
664000
2000
tehnologijo za testiranje slabokrvnosti,
11:21
because people were dying unnecessarily.
250
666000
2000
ker so ljudje umirali po nepotrebnem
11:23
And he said, "I saw this need.
251
668000
2000
Rekel je, "Videl sem, da obstaja potreba.
11:25
So you know what I did? I made it."
252
670000
2000
In veste, kaj sem naredil?
Ustvaril sem to."
Ustvaril sem to."
11:27
And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"
253
672000
3000
In vsi so mu začeli ploskati.
11:30
And he said, "And it didn't work.
254
675000
3000
In potem je rekel: "Ampak ni delovala.
11:33
And then I made it 32 more times,
255
678000
4000
Potem sem jo naredil še dvaintridesetkrat.
11:37
and then it worked."
256
682000
2000
In potem je delovala."
11:39
You know what the big secret about TED is?
257
684000
2000
Veste kaj je velika skrivnost TED-a?
11:41
I can't wait to tell people this.
258
686000
2000
Komaj čakam, da ljudem tole povem.
11:43
I guess I'm doing it right now.
259
688000
2000
No, to pravkar počnem.
11:45
(Laughter)
260
690000
2000
(Smeh)
11:47
This is like the failure conference.
261
692000
2000
To je konferenca o neuspehu.
11:49
No, it is.
262
694000
2000
Ne, res je.
11:51
(Applause)
263
696000
3000
(Aplavz)
11:54
You know why this place is amazing?
264
699000
3000
Veste, zakaj je ta kraj tako čudovit?
11:57
Because very few people here
265
702000
2000
Ker je tu zelo malo ljudi,
11:59
are afraid to fail.
266
704000
2000
ki se bojijo neuspeha.
12:01
And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.
267
706000
4000
Nihče, ki sem ga do zdaj videla na odru,
ni brez neuspehov.
ni brez neuspehov.
12:05
I've failed miserably, many times.
268
710000
3000
Meni je velikokrat prav bedno spodletelo.
12:08
I don't think the world understands that
269
713000
3000
Mislim, da svet tega ne razume
12:11
because of shame.
270
716000
2000
zaradi sramu.
12:13
There's a great quote that saved me this past year
271
718000
2000
V tem letu me je rešila sijajna misel,
12:15
by Theodore Roosevelt.
272
720000
3000
ki jo je izrekel Theodore Roosevelt.
12:18
A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.
273
723000
3000
Mnogi ta citat imenujejo "Mož v areni".
12:21
And it goes like this:
274
726000
2000
In glasi se takole:
12:23
"It is not the critic who counts.
275
728000
2000
"Ni kritik tisti, ki šteje;
12:25
It is not the man who sits and points out
276
730000
3000
ne mož, ki s prstom kaže na močnejšega,
12:28
how the doer of deeds could have done things better
277
733000
2000
kako pade,
12:30
and how he falls and stumbles.
278
735000
2000
ali kako bi lahko nekdo opravil bolje.
12:32
The credit goes to the man in the arena
279
737000
3000
Zasluge pripadajo tistemu,
ki je dejansko v areni,
ki je dejansko v areni,
12:35
whose face is marred
280
740000
2000
čigar obraz je zamazan
12:37
with dust and blood and sweat.
281
742000
3000
s prahom in s potom in krvjo.
12:40
But when he's in the arena,
282
745000
2000
Ampak, ko je v areni,
12:42
at best he wins,
283
747000
3000
v najboljšem primeru nazadnje
okusi zmagoslavje velikega uspeha
okusi zmagoslavje velikega uspeha
12:45
and at worst he loses,
284
750000
3000
in v najslabšem primeru,
12:48
but when he fails, when he loses,
285
753000
2000
v primeru, da mu ne uspe,
12:50
he does so daring greatly."
286
755000
3000
vsaj ve, da si je veliko upal."
12:53
And that's what this conference, to me, is about.
287
758000
3000
In zame je ta konferenca o tem.
12:56
That's what life is about, about daring greatly,
288
761000
2000
V življenju se gre za to,
da si upamo več,
da si upamo več,
12:58
about being in the arena.
289
763000
2000
da stopimo v areno.
13:00
When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,
290
765000
3000
Ko prideš do te arene
in položiš roko na vrata
in položiš roko na vrata
13:03
and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"
291
768000
2000
in si misliš, "Stopil bom noter
in poskusil tole,"
in poskusil tole,"
13:05
shame is the gremlin
292
770000
2000
je sram tisto bitje v tvoji glavi,
13:07
who says, "Uh, uh.
293
772000
2000
ki reče, "Ne pa ne.
13:09
You're not good enough.
294
774000
2000
Nisi dovolj dober.
13:11
You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.
295
776000
3000
Nikoli nisi končal študija MBA.
Žena te je zapustila.
Žena te je zapustila.
13:14
I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,
296
779000
2000
Vem, da tvoj oče v resnici
ni bil v Luksemburgu.
ni bil v Luksemburgu.
13:16
he was in Sing Sing.
297
781000
4000
Bil je v zaporu Sing Sing.
13:20
I know those things that happened to you growing up.
298
785000
3000
Vem za vse tiste stvari,
ki so se zgodile, ko si odraščal.
ki so se zgodile, ko si odraščal.
13:23
I know you don't think that you're pretty enough
299
788000
2000
Vem, da ne misliš, da si dovolj lepa
13:25
or smart enough or talented enough or powerful enough.
300
790000
3000
ali dovolj pametna ali dovolj nadarjena
ali dovolj močna.
ali dovolj močna.
13:28
I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."
301
793000
4000
Vem, da se tvoj oče nikoli ni zmenil zate,
niti ko si postal šef finančne službe.
niti ko si postal šef finančne službe.
13:32
Shame is that thing.
302
797000
3000
Sram je tisti.
13:35
And if we can quiet it down and walk in
303
800000
3000
In če ga lahko utišamo in vstopimo v areno
13:38
and say, "I'm going to do this,"
304
803000
4000
in rečemo, "To bom storil."
13:42
we look up and the critic that we see
305
807000
2000
pogledamo gor in ta kritik, ki ga vidimo,
13:44
pointing and laughing,
306
809000
2000
kako kaže s prstom in se posmehuje,
13:46
99 percent of the time is who?
307
811000
3000
smo 99 odstotkov časa
13:49
Us.
308
814000
3000
mi sami.
13:52
Shame drives two big tapes --
309
817000
2000
Sram nam predvaja dve glavni kaseti --
13:54
"never good enough"
310
819000
2000
"nikoli dovolj dober"
13:56
and, if you can talk it out of that one,
311
821000
2000
in, če ga lahko pregovoriš, da to ni res,
13:58
"who do you think you are?"
312
823000
3000
"kdo pa misliš, da si?"
14:02
The thing to understand about shame is it's not guilt.
313
827000
2000
O sramu je treba razumeti,
da to ni krivda.
da to ni krivda.
14:04
Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.
314
829000
3000
Sram pomeni osredotočanje nase,
krivda se osredotoča na vedenje.
krivda se osredotoča na vedenje.
14:07
Shame is "I am bad."
315
832000
2000
Sram pravi:"Slab sem."
14:09
Guilt is "I did something bad."
316
834000
3000
Krivda pravi: "Naredil sem nekaj slabega."
14:12
How many of you,
317
837000
2000
Koliko med vami,
14:14
if you did something that was hurtful to me,
318
839000
2000
če bi naredili nekaj, kar bi me prizadelo,
14:16
would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"
319
841000
2000
mi bi reklo: "Oprosti. Zmotil sem se."
14:18
How many of you would be willing to say that?
320
843000
3000
Koliko bi vas bilo pripravljenih to reči?
14:21
Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
321
846000
3000
Krivda: "Oprosti. Naredil sem napako."
14:24
Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
322
849000
4000
Sram: "Oprosti. Jaz sem napaka."
14:28
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.
323
853000
2000
Med sramom in krivdo je ogromna razlika.
14:30
And here's what you need to know.
324
855000
2000
In tole morate vedeti.
14:32
Shame is highly, highly correlated
325
857000
3000
Sram je močno, močno povezan
14:35
with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,
326
860000
3000
z zasvojenostjo, depresijo,
nasiljem, agresivnostjo,
nasiljem, agresivnostjo,
14:38
bullying, suicide, eating disorders.
327
863000
4000
ustrahovanjem, samomorom,
motnjami hranjenja.
motnjami hranjenja.
14:42
And here's what you even need to know more.
328
867000
2000
Tole morate še bolj nujno vedeti.
14:44
Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.
329
869000
3000
Med temi rečmi in krivdo
obstaja obratna korelacija.
obstaja obratna korelacija.
14:49
The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do
330
874000
3000
Sposobnost, da nekaj kar smo storili
ali nam je spodletelo
ali nam je spodletelo
14:52
up against who we want to be
331
877000
2000
primerjamo s tem, kakšni bi radi bili
14:54
is incredibly adaptive.
332
879000
2000
je neverjetno prilagojeno vedenje.
14:56
It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
333
881000
3000
Ni prijetno, je pa prilagojeno.
15:02
The other thing you need to know about shame
334
887000
2000
Druga stvar, ki jo morate vedeti o sramu,
15:04
is it's absolutely organized by gender.
335
889000
3000
je, da je absolutno organiziran
glede na spol.
glede na spol.
15:07
If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,
336
892000
3000
Če mene ali Chrisa oblije sram,
15:10
it's going to feel the same.
337
895000
3000
bo občutek isti.
15:13
Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.
338
898000
3000
Vsi, ki sedimo tu,
poznamo vroč občutek sramu.
poznamo vroč občutek sramu.
15:16
We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame
339
901000
2000
Edini ljudje, ki ne občutijo sramu
15:18
are people who have no capacity
340
903000
2000
so ljudje, ki nimajo zmožnosti
15:20
for connection or empathy.
341
905000
2000
za povezanost in empatijo.
15:22
Which means, yes, I have a little shame;
342
907000
2000
Kar pomeni: da, občutim nekaj sramu,
15:24
no, I'm a sociopath.
343
909000
2000
ne, sociopat sem.
15:26
So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.
344
911000
3000
Med tem dvojim bi izbrala malo sramu.
15:32
Shame feels the same for men and women,
345
917000
2000
Občutek sramu je isti za moške in ženske,
15:34
but it's organized by gender.
346
919000
2000
vendar je sram organiziran glede na spol.
15:36
For women,
347
921000
2000
Za ženske
15:38
the best example I can give you
348
923000
2000
je najboljši primer,
15:40
is Enjoli
349
925000
2000
ki vam ga lahko dam,
15:42
the commercial:
350
927000
2000
reklama za parfum Enjoli:
15:44
"I can put the wash on the line,
351
929000
2000
Lahko obesim perilo,
15:46
pack the lunches, hand out the kisses
352
931000
2000
pripravim malice, razdelim poljubčke.
15:48
and be at work at five to nine.
353
933000
2000
in pridem v službo pet minut do devetih.
15:50
I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan
354
935000
3000
Domov prinesem plačo, skuham večerjo
15:53
and never let you forget you're a man."
355
938000
3000
in ti še vedno pustim biti moški.
15:56
For women, shame is do it all,
356
941000
2000
Ženskam sram pravi: "Vse naredi,
15:58
do it perfectly
357
943000
2000
naredi brezhibno,
16:00
and never let them see you sweat.
358
945000
3000
in ne dovoli, da bi videli tvoj napor."
16:03
I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,
359
948000
3000
Ne vem, koliko parfuma
so prodali s to reklamo,
so prodali s to reklamo,
16:06
but I guarantee you,
360
951000
2000
vendar vam zagotavjam,
da so prodali veliko antidepresivov
in zdravil za anksioznost.
in zdravil za anksioznost.
16:08
it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
361
953000
2000
16:10
(Laughter)
362
955000
3000
(Smeh)
16:14
Shame, for women, is this web
363
959000
3000
Sram je za ženske nekakšna mreža
16:17
of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations
364
962000
3000
nedosegljivih,
nasprotujočih si pričakovanj,
nasprotujočih si pričakovanj,
16:20
about who we're supposed to be.
365
965000
3000
kakšne bi morale biti.
16:24
And it's a straight-jacket.
366
969000
2000
In to je prisilni jopič.
16:26
For men,
367
971000
2000
Za moške
16:28
shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.
368
973000
3000
sram ni skupek nedosegljivih,
nasprotujočih si pričakovanj.
nasprotujočih si pričakovanj.
16:31
Shame is one,
369
976000
2000
Sram je samo ena stvar.
16:33
do not be perceived as what?
370
978000
3000
Ne smejo te imeti za kakšnega?
16:36
Weak.
371
981000
2000
Šibkega.
16:38
I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.
372
983000
3000
Prva štiri leta moje raziskave
nisem intervjuvala moških.
nisem intervjuvala moških.
Nato mi je nek moški,
ko sem podpisovala knjige,
ko sem podpisovala knjige,
16:41
And it wasn't until a man looked at me one day after a book signing,
373
986000
2000
16:43
said, "I love what you have to say about shame,
374
988000
2000
rekel: "Navdušen sem nad vašimi
opažanji o sramu,
opažanji o sramu,
16:45
I'm curious why you didn't mention men."
375
990000
2000
vendar me zanima,
zakaj niste omenili moških.
zakaj niste omenili moških.
16:47
And I said, "I don't study men."
376
992000
3000
In odvrnila sem: "Ne proučujem moških."
16:50
And he said, "That's convenient."
377
995000
2000
In on je rekel: "To je priročno."
16:52
(Laughter)
378
997000
3000
(Smeh)
16:55
And I said, "Why?"
379
1000000
2000
Vprašala sem ga, zakaj,
16:57
And he said, "Because you say to reach out,
380
1002000
3000
in odgovoril je:"Ker pravite,
naj se obrnemo na druge,
naj se obrnemo na druge,
17:00
tell our story,
381
1005000
2000
povemo svojo zgodbo,
17:02
be vulnerable.
382
1007000
3000
smo ranljivi.
Vidite, te knjige, ki ste jih
pravkar podpisali
pravkar podpisali
17:05
But you see those books you just signed
383
1010000
2000
17:07
for my wife and my three daughters?"
384
1012000
2000
za mojo ženo in tri hčere?"
17:09
I said, "Yeah."
385
1014000
2000
Rekla sem: "Ja."
17:11
"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse
386
1016000
3000
"Raje bi videle, da umrem,
ko sem na konju,
ko sem na konju,
17:14
than watch me fall down.
387
1019000
3000
kot da bi me videle pasti z njega.
17:17
When we reach out and be vulnerable
388
1022000
3000
Ko se obrnemo na druge in smo ranljivi,
17:20
we get the shit beat out of us.
389
1025000
2000
nas pretepejo.
17:22
And don't tell me
390
1027000
2000
In ne govorite mi,
17:24
it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads,
391
1029000
4000
da to prihaja od moških
in trenerjev in očetov,
in trenerjev in očetov,
17:28
because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
392
1033000
4000
ker so ženske v mojem življenju
bolj stroge do mene kot kdorkoli drug."
bolj stroge do mene kot kdorkoli drug."
17:32
So I started interviewing men
393
1037000
2000
In tako sem začela intervjuvati moške
17:34
and asking questions.
394
1039000
2000
in jim zastavljati vprašanja.
17:36
And what I learned is this:
395
1041000
3000
Izvedela sem tole:
17:39
You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man
396
1044000
2000
Če mi pokažete žensko,
ki lahko sedi z moškim,
ki lahko sedi z moškim,
17:41
in real vulnerability and fear,
397
1046000
2000
ki ji zares pokaže svoj strah
in ranljivost,
in ranljivost,
17:43
I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.
398
1048000
4000
vam bom pokazala žensko,
ki je opravila neverjetno delo.
ki je opravila neverjetno delo.
17:47
You show me a man who can sit with a woman
399
1052000
2000
Če mi pokažete moškega,
ki lahko sedi z žensko,
ki lahko sedi z žensko,
17:49
who's just had it,
400
1054000
2000
ki ima zadosti,
17:51
she can't do it all anymore,
401
1056000
3000
ki ne more več sama postoriti vsega,
17:54
and his first response is not,
402
1059000
2000
in njegov prvi odgovor ni:
17:56
"I unloaded the dishwasher,"
403
1061000
3000
"Jaz sem izpraznil pomivalni stroj."
17:59
but he really listens --
404
1064000
3000
Ampak jo res posluša --
18:02
because that's all we need --
405
1067000
2000
to je namreč vse kar potrebujemo --
18:04
I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
406
1069000
2000
vam bom pokazala moškega, ki je
naredil veliko.
naredil veliko.
18:06
Shame is an epidemic in our culture.
407
1071000
3000
Sram je epidemija v naši kulturi
18:11
And to get out from underneath it,
408
1076000
5000
in če se ga želimo osvoboditi
18:16
to find our way back to each other,
409
1081000
2000
in najti pot nazaj drug k drugemu,
18:18
we have to understand how it affects us
410
1083000
2000
moramo razumeti, kako vpliva na nas
18:20
and how it affects the way we're parenting,
411
1085000
3000
in kako vpliva na to,
kako vzgajamo svoje otroke,
kako vzgajamo svoje otroke,
18:23
the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.
412
1088000
4000
kako delamo,
kako gledamo drug na drugega.
kako gledamo drug na drugega.
18:27
Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.
413
1092000
4000
Čisto na hitro o raziskavi, ki jo je
na Bostonskem kolidžu izvedel Mahalik.
na Bostonskem kolidžu izvedel Mahalik.
18:31
He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?
414
1096000
3000
Vprašal je, kaj morajo ženske storiti,
da dosežejo ženstvene standarde.
da dosežejo ženstvene standarde.
18:34
The top answers in this country:
415
1099000
4000
Najpogostejši odgovori v tej državi:
18:38
nice, thin, modest
416
1103000
2000
prijazna, vitka, skromna
18:40
and use all available resources for appearance.
417
1105000
3000
in uporabi vsa možna sredstva,
da bi polepšala svoj videz.
da bi polepšala svoj videz.
18:43
When he asked about men,
418
1108000
2000
Ko je isto vprašal za moške,
18:45
what do men in this country need to do
419
1110000
2000
kaj morajo storiti moški v tej državi,
18:47
to conform with male norms,
420
1112000
2000
da dosežejo moški standard,
18:49
the answers were:
421
1114000
2000
so bili odgovori:
18:51
always show emotional control, work is first,
422
1116000
3000
vedno obvladaj svoja čustva,
postavi delo na prvo mesto,
postavi delo na prvo mesto,
18:54
pursue status and violence.
423
1119000
3000
išči družbeni status in nasilje.
18:57
If we're going to find our way back to each other,
424
1122000
3000
Če se želimo vrniti drug k drugemu,
19:00
we have to understand and know empathy,
425
1125000
3000
moramo razumeti in poznati sočutje,
19:03
because empathy's the antidote to shame.
426
1128000
2000
ker je sočutje zdravilo za sram.
19:05
If you put shame in a Petri dish,
427
1130000
2000
Če bi sram dali v petrijevko,
19:07
it needs three things to grow exponentially:
428
1132000
3000
bi potreboval tri stvari
za eksponentno rast:
za eksponentno rast:
19:10
secrecy, silence and judgment.
429
1135000
2000
skrivanje, tišino in obsojanje.
19:12
If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,
430
1137000
3000
Če bi sram prelili s sočutjem,
19:15
it can't survive.
431
1140000
2000
ne bi mogel preživeti.
19:17
The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:
432
1142000
3000
Najmočnejši besedi,
ko se z nečim spopadamo:
ko se z nečim spopadamo:
19:20
me too.
433
1145000
2000
"Jaz tudi."
19:22
And so I'll leave you with this thought.
434
1147000
3000
Za konec bi rada delila tole misel.
19:25
If we're going to find our way
435
1150000
2000
Če si želimo najti pot
19:27
back to each other,
436
1152000
3000
nazaj drug k drugemu,
19:30
vulnerability is going to be that path.
437
1155000
4000
bo ta pot ranljivost.
19:34
And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,
438
1159000
2000
Vem, da nas mika stati zunaj arene,
19:36
because I think I did it my whole life,
439
1161000
2000
ker mislim, da sem to počela
celo življenje,
celo življenje,
19:38
and think to myself,
440
1163000
2000
in si pri tem mislila,
"Šla bom tja noter in jim pokazala,
kako to gre,
kako to gre,
19:40
I'm going to go in there and kick some ass
441
1165000
2000
19:42
when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.
442
1167000
4000
takoj ko postanem neprebojna in popolna."
19:46
And that is seductive.
443
1171000
2000
In ta ideja je privlačna,
19:48
But the truth is that never happens.
444
1173000
3000
ampak v resnici se to nikoli ne zgodi.
Tudi če bi prišel kar se da blizu
popolnosti
popolnosti
19:51
And even if you got as perfect as you could
445
1176000
2000
19:53
and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster
446
1178000
2000
in kar se da blizu neprebojnosti,
19:55
when you got in there,
447
1180000
2000
ko bi vstopil v areno,
19:57
that's not what we want to see.
448
1182000
4000
to ne bi bilo tisto, kar si želimo videti.
20:01
We want you to go in.
449
1186000
3000
Želimo, da stopiš noter.
20:04
We want to be with you and across from you.
450
1189000
3000
Želimo biti s teboj
20:07
And we just want,
451
1192000
2000
in vse kar si želimo,
20:09
for ourselves and the people we care about
452
1194000
2000
zase in za ljudi, za katere nam je mar,
20:11
and the people we work with,
453
1196000
2000
in za ljudi, s katerimi delamo,
20:13
to dare greatly.
454
1198000
2000
je da si upajo več.
20:15
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
455
1200000
3000
Najlepša hvala vsem. Res sem vam hvaležna.
20:18
(Applause)
456
1203000
14000
(Aplavz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcherBrené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Why you should listen
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:
How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Brené Brown | Speaker | TED.com