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James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Hvad der sker, når man besvarer spam email
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Mistænkelige e-mails: uindløste obligationer, diamantbesatte bankbokse, nære venner i nød i fremmede lande. De dukker op i indbakken, og standard proceduren er at slette dem. Men hvad mon der sker, hvis man svarer? Se med når forfatter og komiker Jan Veitch tager dig med på en ugelang email udveksling med en spammer der har et rigtig godt tilbud.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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For et par år siden
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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modtog jeg en spam e-mail
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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som formåede at komme
igennem mit spamfilter,
igennem mit spamfilter,
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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og landede i min indbakke
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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Den var fra en gut der
hedder Solomon Odonkoh.
hedder Solomon Odonkoh.
00:24
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
00:26
I know.
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Jeg ved det
00:27
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
00:28
It went like this:
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Den lød sådan her:
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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"Hej James Veitch,
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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Jeg har et interessant
forslag til dig, Solomon."
forslag til dig, Solomon."
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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Nu svævede min hånd
over Slet-knappen, ikk?
over Slet-knappen, ikk?
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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Jeg så på min mobil,
og overvejede at slette.
og overvejede at slette.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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Men jeg kunne også gøre
noget vi alle har overvejet.
noget vi alle har overvejet.
00:46
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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Og jeg skrev, "Solomon,
du har gjort mig nysgerrig."
du har gjort mig nysgerrig."
00:52
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
00:55
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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Og spillet var igang.
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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Han skrev, "Kære James Veitch,
Vi vil sende guld til dig."
Vi vil sende guld til dig."
01:08
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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"Du tjener 10% på alt
hvad du videresælger."
hvad du videresælger."
01:13
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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Nu vidste jeg, han var
professionel
professionel
01:17
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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Jeg svarede, "Hvor meget er det værd?"
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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Han skrev, "Vi starter med
en mindre sending" --
en mindre sending" --
01:27
I was like, aww --
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øv --
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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"på 25 kg.
01:31
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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Værdien er ca $2.5 millioner"
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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Jeg skrev "Solomon, lad os
dog gøre det ordenligt
dog gøre det ordenligt
01:42
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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"Jeg kan klare det.
Hvor meget guld har du?"
Hvor meget guld har du?"
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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Han sagde, "Det er ikke
relevant,
relevant,
det der betyder noget,
er hvor meget du kan klare.
er hvor meget du kan klare.
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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Vi kan starte med 50 kg
som en prøvesending"
som en prøvesending"
02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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Jeg skrev, "50 kg?
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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Det giver slet ingen mening
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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medmindre du sender mig
mindst et ton."
mindst et ton."
02:10
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:11
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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Han skrev, "Hvad lever du af?"
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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Jeg skrev, "Jeg er administrerende
direktør i en hedgefond."
direktør i en hedgefond."
02:22
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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Det er ikke første gang
jeg handler med guld, min ven,
jeg handler med guld, min ven,
02:29
no no no.
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nej, nej, nej.
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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Så gik jeg i panik,
02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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og skrev, "Hvor holder I til?"
02:35
I don't know about you,
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Jeg ved ikke med dig,
02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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men hvis vi vælger
posten
posten
bør det være forsikret.
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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Det er virkelige meget guld."
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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Han sagde, "Det bliver ikke nemt
at overbevise mit firma
at overbevise mit firma
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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om så stor en sending.
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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Jeg sagde, "Solomon, det forstår
jeg ganske udmærket.
jeg ganske udmærket.
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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Jeg laver en præsentation
du kan vise til bestyrelsesmødet.
du kan vise til bestyrelsesmødet.
02:52
Hold tight."
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Øjeblik."
02:54
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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Dette er hvad jeg sendte
03:03
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:05
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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Jeg ved ikke om der er
statistikere til stede,
statistikere til stede,
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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men der sker virkelig noget.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon, vedhæftet finder
du et diagram.
du et diagram.
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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En af mine assistenter har
gennemgået tallene.
gennemgået tallene.
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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Vi er klar til en sending
så stor som mulig."
så stor som mulig."
De vil forsøge at vinde
din empati på et tidspunkt
din empati på et tidspunkt
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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og dette var nu for Solomon
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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Han skrev, "Det vil glæde mig
hvis handlen går godt,
hvis handlen går godt,
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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for jeg får også en
ret god kommission.
ret god kommission.
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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Og jeg skrev, "Det er fantastisk,
hvad vil bruge pengene til?"
hvad vil bruge pengene til?"
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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Og han skrev, "På ejendomme.
Hvad med dig?"
Hvad med dig?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Jeg tænkte længe over mit svar
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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og skrev så, "Ét ord;
03:53
Hummus."
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Hummus."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:00
"It's going places.
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"Det er der
muligheder i.
muligheder i.
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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Jeg var i Sainsbury's forleden
04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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og de havde nærmest
30 varianter.
30 varianter.
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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Det kan bruges som dip
til gulerodsstave.
til gulerodsstave.
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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Har du prøvet det, Solomon?"
04:11
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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Han skrev, "Jeg går i seng nu."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:18
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
04:21
"Till morrow.
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"Vi tales i morgen.
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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Sov godt."
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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Hvad skulle jeg sige nu!
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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Jeg skrev, "Bonsoir
min guldklump, bonsoir."
min guldklump, bonsoir."
04:30
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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I må forstå at dette stod
på over flere uger,
på over flere uger,
og havde indtil nu været
de bedste i mit liv,
de bedste i mit liv,
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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men nu var det tid
at stoppe.
at stoppe.
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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Det havde taget overhånd.
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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Vennerne sagde, "James,
skal vi have en sjus?"
skal vi have en sjus?"
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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Og jeg svarede, "Desværre
jeg venter en mail vedr. noget guld."
jeg venter en mail vedr. noget guld."
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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Så jeg tænke, at nu måtte
jeg afslutte det,
jeg afslutte det,
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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og helst så absurd
som muligt.
som muligt.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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Jeg lagde derfor en plan.
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon, jeg er
bekymret for sikkerheden.
bekymret for sikkerheden.
04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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04:55
When we email each other,
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Når vi sender e-mail til
hinanden,
hinanden,
04:56
we need to use a code."
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bør vi bruge en kode."
05:00
And he agreed.
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Han var enig.
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon, jeg har
arbejdet hele natten på en kode
arbejdet hele natten på en kode
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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som vi skal bruge fremover:
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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Advokat: Vingummi,
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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Bank: Påskeæg.
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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Legal: Haribo Cola Flasker.
Søgsmål: Peanut M&M
Søgsmål: Peanut M&M
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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Dokumenter: Jelly Beans
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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Western Union: Stort gummi-firben."
05:22
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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Det er jo sådanne ord
de bruger, ikke?
de bruger, ikke?
05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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Jeg skrev, "Kald mig KitKat
fra nu af."
fra nu af."
05:30
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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Jeg fik intet svar.
Det var nok for langt ude.
Det var nok for langt ude.
05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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Jeg forsøgte at trække i land.
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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Jeg skrev, "Solomon,
har vi stadig en aftale?
har vi stadig en aftale?
05:44
KitKat."
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KitKat."
05:45
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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Man skal jo være konsekvent.
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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Og så fik jeg svar.
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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Han skrev, "Ja, vi fortsætter
og jeg forsøger at bla, bla, bla..."
og jeg forsøger at bla, bla, bla..."
Jeg skrev, "Hallo, du skal bruge koden!"
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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Og så modtog jeg den bedste e-mail
nogensinde.
nogensinde.
06:04
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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Det er ingen joke. Dette er hvad
jeg modtog i indbakken.
jeg modtog i indbakken.
06:10
This was a good day.
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Det blev en god dag.
06:13
"The business is on.
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"Vi har en aftale.
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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Jeg forsøger at rejse penge
til vingummien --
til vingummien --
06:18
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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så han kan sende alle
Haribo Colaflaske Jelly Beans
Haribo Colaflaske Jelly Beans
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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til påskeægget,
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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så Peanut M&M processen
kan starte
kan starte
06:32
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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Send 1.500 pund
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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via et stort gummi-firben
06:38
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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Det var bare så morsomt, ikke?
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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Og jeg fik en idé:
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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Hvad ville der ske
hvis jeg satte mig for
hvis jeg satte mig for
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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at besvare så mange
scam e-mails som muligt?
scam e-mails som muligt?
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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Og det har jeg så gjort
07:03
for three years
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i 3 år
07:05
on your behalf.
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på Jeres vegne.
07:06
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
07:08
(Applause)
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(Bifald)
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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Der sker skøre ting når du
begynder at besvare scam.
begynder at besvare scam.
07:14
It's really difficult,
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Det er svært,
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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og jeg anbefaler vi gør det.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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Det jeg gør er ikke
ondskabsfuldt.
ondskabsfuldt.
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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Mange er direkte onde
ved scammerne.
ved scammerne.
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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Jeg spilder bare deres tid.
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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Og den tid de bruger på mig
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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bruger de ikke på at narre
hele opsparingen
hele opsparingen
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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fra sårbare personer, vel?
07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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Og hvis du vil prøve dette --
hvad jeg klart anbefaler --
hvad jeg klart anbefaler --
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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2011
så få dig en anonym e-mail adresse
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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Brug ikke din egen.
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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Jeg brugte min egen i starten
og det var et rent mareridt.
og det var et rent mareridt.
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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Når jeg stod op om morgenen
var der 1000 e-mails
var der 1000 e-mails
07:46
about penis enlargements,
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om penisforstørrelse,
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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hvoraf kun én var et
legitimt svar --
legitimt svar --
07:49
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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på et medicinsk spørgsmål
jeg havde stillet.
jeg havde stillet.
07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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Men ved i hvad gutter,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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Jeg kan fortælle Jer at
enhver dag, er en god dag
enhver dag, er en god dag
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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når man modtager en e-mail
der begynder således:
der begynder således:
08:01
(Laughter)
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2814
(Latter)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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1793
"JEG HEDDER WINNIE MANDELA,
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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3294
TIDLIGERE PRÆSIDENT NELSON
MANDELAS ANDEN KONE."
MANDELAS ANDEN KONE."
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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1903
Hold da op! -- Dén Winnie Mandela.
08:12
(Laughter)
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1081
(Latter)
08:13
I know so many.
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1150
Jeg kender så mange.
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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3056
"JEG SKAL FØRE 45 MILLIONER
DOLLARS UD AF LANDET
DOLLARS UD AF LANDET
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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2770
PÅ GRUND AF MIN MANDS
DÅRLIGE HELBRED."
DÅRLIGE HELBRED."
08:21
Let that sink in.
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1159
Tyg lidt på den.
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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2640
Hun sendte mig denne,
som er hysterisk morsom:
som er hysterisk morsom:
08:26
(Laughter)
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2947
(Latter)
08:29
And this.
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1159
Og denne.
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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3199
Den her ser ret legitim ud,
det er en fuldmagt.
det er en fuldmagt.
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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3389
Men helt ærligt. Hvis der intet
er skrevet, er det jo bare en form!
er skrevet, er det jo bare en form!
08:37
(Laughter)
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1853
(Latter)
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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2342
Jeg skrev, "Winnie,
det gør virkelig ondt.
det gør virkelig ondt.
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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510017
1993
Da Nelson jo døde
for 3 mdr siden,
for 3 mdr siden,
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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512034
2586
er hans helbred seriøst dårligt."
08:46
(Laughter)
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2814
(Latter)
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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Den værste tilstand man kan
være i, er død.
være i, er død.
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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2771
Hun skrev, "VENLIGST UDFØR
MIN BANKS INSTRUKTIONER.
MIN BANKS INSTRUKTIONER.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
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1158
ONE LOVE."
08:59
(Laughter)
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1952
(Latter)
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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1818
Jeg skrev, "Naturligvis.
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
09:04
(Laughter)
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3504
(Latter)
09:07
(Applause)
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535695
3496
(Bifald)
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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3151
Hun skrev, "MIN BANKRÅDGIVER
SKAL BRUGE 3000 DOLLARS.
SKAL BRUGE 3000 DOLLARS.
09:15
(Laughter)
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2134
(Latter)
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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1969
Jeg skrev, "Intet problem.
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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1271
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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[(BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY)]
09:31
(Laughter)
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(Latter)
09:32
Thank you.
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1152
Tak.
09:33
(Applause)
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13263
(Bifald)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com