ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com
TEDGlobal>Geneva

James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email

James Veitch: Isto é o que acontece quando você responde a e-mails indesejados

Filmed:
55,851,315 views

E-mails suspeitos: apólices de seguros não reclamadas, cofres com diamantes incrustados, amigos próximos ilhados num país estrangeiro. Elas surgem em nossa caixa de entrada e o procedimento padrão é apagar de primeira. Mas o que acontece quando você responde? Acompanhe o escritor e comediante James Veitch narrando uma hilária troca de e-mails, que durou semanas, com alguém que oferecia colocá-lo num negócio da China.
- Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
A few years ago,
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Há alguns anos,
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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eu recebi um desses
e-mails não solicitados.
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
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Ele conseguiu passar pelos filtros.
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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Não sei bem como,
mas ele apareceu lá,
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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e era de um cara chamado
Solomon Odonkoh.
00:24
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
00:26
I know.
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Eu sei.
(Risos)
00:27
(Laughter)
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Foi assim...
00:28
It went like this:
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ele dizia: "Olá James Veitch,
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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tenho uma ótima proposta comercial
que quero dividir com você, Solomon".
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
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E minha mão estava
sobre a tecla apagar, OK?
Eu estava olhando para o meu celular.
Pensei que devia apagar aquilo.
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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Ou eu poderia fazer o que acho
que todos sempre quisemos fazer.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
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(Risos)
00:46
(Laughter)
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00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
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E eu disse: "Solomon,
seu e-mail me intriga".
00:52
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
(Aplausos)
00:55
(Applause)
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01:00
And the game was afoot.
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E o jogo começou.
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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Ele disse: "Caro James Veitch,
enviaremos ouro para você".
01:08
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
"Você vai ganhar 10% de todo ouro
que você 'distribuí'."
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
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(Risos)
01:13
(Laughter)
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Percebi que lidava com um profissional.
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
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01:17
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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Eu disse: "Quanto isso vale?"
Ele disse: "Começaremos
com pouca coisa",
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
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e eu: "Aaah..."
01:27
I was like, aww --
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01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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e ele disse: "Uns 25 quilos.
01:31
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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O valor deve ser
cerca de US$ 2,5 milhões".
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
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Eu disse: "Solomon, se vamos
fazer isso, vamos com tudo".
01:42
(Applause)
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(Risos)
(Aplausos)
Eu dou conta.
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
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(Risos)
Quanto ouro você tem?"
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
Ele disse: "Não importa
quanto ouro eu tenho,
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
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o que importa é
sua capacidade de manuseio.
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
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Podemos começar com 50 quilos como teste".
02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
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Eu disse: "50 quilos?
02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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Isso não compensará a menos
que envie no mínimo uma tonelada."
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
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(Risos)
02:10
(Laughter)
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02:11
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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Ele disse: "Com o que você trabalha?"
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
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E eu: "Gerencio fundos
de investimento de risco".
02:22
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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"Não é a primeira vez que envio
barras de ouro, amigo, na-na-não!"
02:29
no no no.
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Fui entrando em pânico.
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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Disse: "Onde é sua base?
Não te conheço, mas se formos usar
o correio, terá que ser registrado.
02:35
I don't know about you,
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02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
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02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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É muito ouro".
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
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E ele: "Não será fácil
convencer minha companhia
a fazer um grande carregamento".
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
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Eu disse: "Solomon,
estou mesmo nessa com você.
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
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Estou montando algo para você
levar para sua reunião com eles.
Aguarde."
02:52
Hold tight."
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02:54
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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Foi isto que mandei.
[Quantidade de Ouro X Riqueza]
03:03
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
03:05
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
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Eu não sei se temos
estatísticos aqui hoje,
mas isso é muito excitante.
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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03:16
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
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Eu disse: "Solomon, anexo
a este e-mail tem um gráfico útil.
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
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Um dos meus assistentes fez os cálculos.
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
Podemos transportar
o máximo de ouro possível".
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
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Há um ponto em que eles tentam
te deixar aflito, e foi assim com Solomon:
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
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03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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Ele disse: "Ficarei tão feliz
se o negócio der certo,
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
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porque receberei uma bela comissão".
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
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E eu disse: "Isso é incrível.
Como você vai gastar sua parte?"
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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E ele disse "Com imóveis, e você?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Pensei sobre isso um bom tempo.
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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E disse "Uma palavra:
03:53
Hummus."
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Homus.
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
04:00
"It's going places.
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Vai bombar.
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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Eu estava em Sainsbury outro dia
e havia uns 30 tipos diferentes.
04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
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E você pode cortar cenouras,
e mergulhá-las.
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
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Já fez isso, Solomon?"
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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04:11
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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Ele disse "Tenho que ir dormir."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
(Aplausos)
04:18
(Applause)
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04:21
"Till morrow.
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"Até amanhã.
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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Tenha bons sonhos."
Não sabia o que dizer!
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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Eu disse: "Boa noite
minha pepita de ouro, boa noite".
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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04:30
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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Gente, entendam, isto durou por semanas,
e foram as melhores semanas da minha vida,
mas eu tinha que parar com isso.
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
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04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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Estava fora de controle.
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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Os amigos diziam: "James,
vamos tomar um drinque?"
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
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"Não posso, estou esperando
um e-mail sobre o ouro."
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
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(Risos)
Percebi que para parar tinha
que concluir isso de forma ridícula.
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
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Então preparei um plano.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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Eu disse: "Solomon,
eu me preocupo com segurança.
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
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Em nossos e-mails, usaremos um código."
04:55
When we email each other,
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04:56
we need to use a code."
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05:00
And he agreed.
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E ele concordou.
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
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Eu disse: "Solomon, fiquei a noite toda
criando este código
que usaremos nas próximas mensagens:
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
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Advogado:
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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(Risos)
Ursinho de Goma.
Banco: Ovinho de chocolate.
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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Jurídico: Garrafinha Doce.
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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Pedido: M&Ms Amendoim.
Documentos: Delicados.
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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Western Union: Um Lagarto Gigante de Goma.
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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05:22
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
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Eu sabia que são palavras
que eles usam, certo?
05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
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Eu disse:
"Por favor, me chame de KitKat
nas próximas mensagens".
05:30
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
Não tive resposta. Achei
que tinha ido longe demais.
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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Então tive que recuar um pouco.
Eu disse: "Solomon, o negócio está de pé?
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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05:44
KitKat."
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KitKat".
(Risos)
05:45
(Laughter)
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05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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Você tem que ser consistente.
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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Recebi uma resposta dele.
Ele disse: "O negócio está de pé.
Estou tentando blá blá blá..."
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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Eu disse: "Cara, tem que usar o código!"
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
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E aí veio o melhor e-mail que já recebi.
(Risos)
06:04
(Laughter)
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06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
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Sem brincadeira, era isso que estava lá.
06:10
This was a good day.
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Foi um grande dia.
06:13
"The business is on.
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"O negócio está de pé.
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
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Estou levantando o valor
para o Ursinho de Goma...
(Risos)
06:18
(Laughter)
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06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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para ele enviar todos os Delicados
Doces de Garrafinha necessários
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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ao Ovinho de Chocolate,
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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para que o M&Ms Amendoim seja entregue.
06:32
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
Envie 1.500 libras via
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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um Lagarto
06:38
(Applause)
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Gigante de Goma".
(Aplausos)
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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E foi muito engraçado, claro,
e me fez pensar:
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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o que aconteceria se eu passasse
todo tempo possível
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
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respondendo quantos e-mails
como esses eu pudesse?
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
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07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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É o que venho fazendo
(Risos)
07:03
for three years
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por três anos
em nome de vocês.
07:05
on your behalf.
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(Risos)
07:06
(Laughter)
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(Aplausos)
07:08
(Applause)
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07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
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Coisas loucas acontecem
quando você responde estes e-mails.
07:14
It's really difficult,
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É muito difícil, mas recomendo fazer isso.
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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Não acho que isso seja maldade.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
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Tem muita gente sendo maldosa
com os golpistas.
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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Tudo que faço é desperdiçar o tempo deles.
E acho que o tempo que gastam comigo
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
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07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
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eles não estarão roubando as economias
de adultos vulneráveis, certo?
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
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E se vocês pretendem fazer isso,
e recomendo que façam,
criem um endereço de e-mail com apelido.
Não usem seu próprio e-mail.
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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Era o que eu fazia no começo
e virou um pesadelo.
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
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Acordava de manhã e tinha milhares
de e-mails sobre como aumentar o pênis,
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
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07:46
about penis enlargements,
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e apenas um deles
eu respondi de verdade...
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
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07:49
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
por uma dúvida médica minha.
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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Mas vou lhes dizer, amigos,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
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qualquer dia é um bom dia,
para se receber um e-mail desses:
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
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08:01
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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"Sou Winnie Mandela,
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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a segunda esposa de Nelson Mandela,
ex-presidente da África do Sul".
Aaah! Aquela Winnie Mandela!
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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(Risos)
08:12
(Laughter)
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Conheço tantas.
08:13
I know so many.
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08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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"Preciso transferir US$ 45 milhões
para fora do país
por causa das condições de saúde
de meu marido."
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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Deixe-me ver.
08:21
Let that sink in.
182
489420
1159
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
183
491864
2640
Ela me mandou isso,
o que é muito engraçado.
08:26
(Laughter)
184
494528
2947
(Risos)
08:29
And this.
185
497499
1159
E isso.
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
186
498682
3199
E parece muito verdadeiro,
é uma carta de autorização.
Para ser honesto, se não tem
nada escrito, é só uma figura!
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
187
501905
3389
(Risos)
08:37
(Laughter)
188
505318
1853
Eu disse: "Winnie,
fiquei triste ao saber disso.
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
189
507651
2342
Como o Nelson morreu há três meses,
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
190
510017
1993
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
191
512034
2586
eu diria que a condição de saúde
dele é gravíssima".
08:46
(Laughter)
192
514644
2814
(Risos)
(Aplausos)
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
193
517482
3519
É a pior condição de saúde
que você pode ter; não estar vivo.
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
194
523373
2771
Ela disse: "Cumpra cordialmente
com as instruções dos meus banqueiros.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
195
526168
1158
Um Só Amor".
08:59
(Laughter)
196
527350
1952
[Canção de Bob Marley] (Risos)
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
197
530325
1818
Eu disse: "Claro. Não, Mulher, Não Chore".
09:04
(Laughter)
198
532167
3504
[Outra canção de Bob Marley] (Risos)
(Aplausos)
09:07
(Applause)
199
535695
3496
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
200
540701
3151
Ela disse: "Meu banqueiro precisa
do depósito de US$ 3 mil. Um Só Amor".
09:15
(Laughter)
201
543876
2134
(Risos)
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
202
548010
1969
Eu disse: "Sem problemas.
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
203
552422
1271
Eu atirei no xerife".
(Risos)
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
204
557813
1880
[Mas eu não atirei no delegado]
[Trecho de outra música]
09:31
(Laughter)
205
559717
1025
09:32
Thank you.
206
560766
1152
Obrigado.
09:33
(Applause)
207
561942
13263
(Aplausos)
Translated by Custodio Marcelino
Reviewed by Maricene Crus

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com