James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Dit gebeurt er als je reageert op spam
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to get through my spam filter.
but it turned up in my inbox,
maar hij kwam in mijn inbox.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
I want to share with you, Solomon."
met je delen, Solomon".
on the delete button, right?
boven de verwijderknop.
I thought, I could just delete this.
en dacht: "Ik kan dit verwijderen.
we've all always wanted to do.
waarschijnlijk wel eens zou willen doen."
Your email intrigues me."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
we sturen je goud toe".
of any gold you distributes."
dat je distribueert".
with a professional.
with smaller quantity," --
een kleine hoeveelheid,"--
going to do it, let's go big.
moeten we het goed doen.
How much gold do you have?"
hoeveel goud ik heb,
of how much gold I have,
your capability of handling.
as trial shipment."
van 50 kg beginnen".
at least a metric ton."
executive bank manager."
bij een bank".
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
die ik verzend, vriend,
via the postal service,
to convince my company
mijn bedrijf te overtuigen
with you on this one.
to take into the board meeting.
meenemen naar de bestuursvergadering.
[Hoeveelheid goud versus Rijkdom]
any statisticians in the house,
in de zaal hebben,
you'll find a helpful chart.
vind je een handige tabel.
heeft het nagerekend.
run the numbers.
mogelijk goud te versturen.
as much gold as possible."
op mijn gevoel te spelen.
to tug your heartstrings,
als deze deal goed gaat,
if the deal goes well,
a very good commission as well."
Waar ga je jouw deel aan besteden?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
what about you?"
30 different varieties.
and you can dip them.
en ze erin dippen.
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
van me, bonsoir".
this had been going for, like, weeks,
dit al weken zo ging,
maar het moest
weeks of my life,
een drankje doen?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
een mail over wat goud".
an email about some gold."
hoogtepunt brengen.
to knock it on the head.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
zorgen over beveiliging.
I'm concerned about security.
geheimtaal gebruiken".
coming up with this code
bezig geweest te bedenken
in all further correspondence:
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Vordering: M&M's met pinda
they use, right?
in all further correspondence."
KitKat als we elkaar spreken".
I thought, I've gone too far.
dat ik te ver was gegaan.
So I had to backpedal a little.
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
ik probeer bla bla bla ..."
I've ever received.
die ik ooit ontving.
turned up in my inbox.
for the Gummy Bear --
de Gummibeer te vergaren --
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Jelly beans kan indienen
proces kan beginnen.
as much time as could
veel mogelijk tijd zou besteden
scam emails as I could?
replying to scam emails.
je op spam reageert.
who do mean things to scammers.
zijn tegen spammers.
they're spending with me
scamming vulnerable adults
geen kwetsbare volwassenen
and I highly recommend you do --
en ik raad het echt aan --
met een pseudoniem.
and it was a nightmare.
dat was echt een nachtmerrie.
and have a thousand emails
e-mails over penisvergrotingen,
was a legitimate response --
waar ik mee zat.
any day is a good day
that begins like this:
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
VOORMALIG PRESIDENT VAN ZUID-AFRIKA."
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
HET LAND UIT ZIEN TE KRIJGEN
VAN MIJN MAN NELSON MANDELA".
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
this is a letter of authorization.
het is een autorisatiebrief.
written on it, it's just a shape!
het is gewoon een vorm!
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
dit te horen.
as fairly serious."
omschrijven als vrij ernstig".
you can have, not being alive.
gezondheidsklacht die je kunt hebben.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
INSTRUCTIES VAN MIJN BANKIER.
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
VAN 3.000 DOLLAR NODIG. ONE LOVE".
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com