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James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: To se zgodi, ko odgovorite na neželeno elektronsko pošto
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Sumljiva elektronska pošta: neizkoriščene zavarovalne police, z diamanti obdani sefi, tesni prijatelji, ki so obtičali nekje v tujini. Pojavlja se vam v nabiralnikih in običajno jo takoj pobrišemo. Kaj pa se zgodi, ko odgovorite? Prisluhnite, kako pisec in komik James Veitch opiše zelo smešno, tedne trajajočo izmenjavo sporočil s pošiljateljem neželene pošte, ki mu je ponudil udeležbo pri bajnem poslu.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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Pred nekaj leti
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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sem dobil eno od tistih
neželenih elektronskih sporočil.
neželenih elektronskih sporočil.
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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Uspelo je priti
skozi filter neželene pošte.
skozi filter neželene pošte.
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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Ne vem, kako,
a pojavilo se mi je v nabiralniku,
a pojavilo se mi je v nabiralniku,
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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poslal pa ga je
tip z imenom Solomon Odonkoh.
tip z imenom Solomon Odonkoh.
00:24
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
00:26
I know.
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Vem.
00:27
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
00:28
It went like this:
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Glasilo se je takole:
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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"Pozdravljen, James Veitch,
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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imam zanimiv poslovni predlog,
ki bi ga rad delil s teboj. Solomon."
ki bi ga rad delil s teboj. Solomon."
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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Moja dlan je že lebdela
nad gumbom za brisanje.
nad gumbom za brisanje.
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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Gledal sem v telefon in si mislil,
da bi ga lahko kar zbrisal.
da bi ga lahko kar zbrisal.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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Lahko pa bi naredil, kar mislim,
da smo si vsi vedno želeli narediti.
da smo si vsi vedno želeli narediti.
00:46
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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In sem odgovoril: "Solomon,
tvoj email je vzbudil mojo pozornost."
tvoj email je vzbudil mojo pozornost."
00:52
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
00:55
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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In igra se je začela.
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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Rekel je: "Dragi James Veitch,
poslali ti bomo Zlato."
poslali ti bomo Zlato."
01:08
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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"Zaslužil boš 10 % od vsakega zlata,
ki ga distribuira."
ki ga distribuira."
01:13
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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Takoj sem vedel,
da imam opravka s profesionalcem.
da imam opravka s profesionalcem.
01:17
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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Vprašal sem: "Koliko je vredno?"
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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Odgovoril je:
"Začeli bomo z manjšo količino," -
"Začeli bomo z manjšo količino," -
in sem si že mislil, aah -
01:27
I was like, aww --
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01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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in potem je napisal, "25 kg.
01:31
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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Vrednost bi morala biti okrog 2,5 mio $."
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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Rekel sem: "Solomon, če bova to počela,
greva na veliko.
greva na veliko.
01:42
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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Zmorem to. Koliko zlata imaš?"
01:54
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
Rekel je: "Ni pomembno, koliko zlata imam,
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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pomembna je tvoja
sposobnost ravnanja z njim.
sposobnost ravnanja z njim.
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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Lahko začnemo s poskusno pošiljko 50 kg.
02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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Rekel sem: "50 kg?
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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Sploh nima smisla to početi,
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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če ne pošlješ vsaj metrično tono."
02:10
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
02:11
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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Vprašal je: "Kaj počneš v življenju?"
02:17
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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Rekel sem: "Sem izvršni direktor banke
za tvegani kapital."
za tvegani kapital."
02:22
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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Nimam prvič opravka z ogromnimi
količinami denarja, prijatelj,
količinami denarja, prijatelj,
02:29
no no no.
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ne, ne, ne.
Potem sem začel paničariti.
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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Vprašal sem: "Kje se nahajaš?
02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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Zate ne vem, a če bova delala
preko pošte, mora biti podpisano.
preko pošte, mora biti podpisano.
02:35
I don't know about you,
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02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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To je veliko zlata."
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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Rekel je: "Ne bo lahko
prepričati moje podjetje,
prepričati moje podjetje,
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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da pošlje večjo količino."
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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Rekel sem: "Solomon,
se popolnoma strinjam.
se popolnoma strinjam.
Pripravljam predstavitev,
da jo vzameš na upravni odbor.
da jo vzameš na upravni odbor.
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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02:52
Hold tight."
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Samo trenutek.
02:54
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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Solomonu sem poslal tole.
[y os: KOLIČINA ZLATA]
[x os: PREMOŽENJE]
[x os: PREMOŽENJE]
03:03
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
03:05
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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Ne vem, če je tu kak statistik,
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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a tukaj se definitivno nekaj dogaja.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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Rekel sem: "Solomon,
v prilogi boš našel priročen grafikon.
v prilogi boš našel priročen grafikon.
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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Eden od mojih asistentov je vse izračunal.
03:25
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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Pripravljeni smo na
čim večje pošiljke zlata."
čim večje pošiljke zlata."
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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Vedno obstaja trenutek,
ko vas poskušajo dobiti s čustveno noto,
ko vas poskušajo dobiti s čustveno noto,
in to je bil ta trenutek za Solomona.
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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Rekel je: "Zelo bom srečen,
če bo posel uspel,
če bo posel uspel,
ker bom tudi jaz dobil
zelo dobro provizijo.
zelo dobro provizijo.
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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In rekel sem: "Čudovito!
Za kaj boš porabil svoj del?"
Za kaj boš porabil svoj del?"
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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Odgovoril je: "Na nepremičninah, pa ti?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Zelo dolgo sem razmišljal.
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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Rekel sem: "Z eno besedo:
03:53
Hummus."
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Humus."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
04:00
"It's going places.
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"Daleč bo prišel.
04:01
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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Zadnjič sem bil v supermarketu
in imeli so 30 različnih vrst.
in imeli so 30 različnih vrst.
04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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Lahko si tudi narežeš korenčke
in jih namakaš.
in jih namakaš.
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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Si že kdaj to počel, Solomon?"
04:11
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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Rekel je: "Zdaj moram v posteljo."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
04:18
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
04:21
"Till morrow.
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"Se slišiva jutri.
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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Lepo sanjaj."
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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Nisem vedel, kaj naj rečem!
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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Rekel sem: "Bonsoir, moj zlatko, bonsoir."
04:30
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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Morate razumeti, da je to trajalo tedne,
čeprav so bili to do zdaj
najboljši tedni mojega življenja,
najboljši tedni mojega življenja,
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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a moral sem prenehati s tem.
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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Uhajalo je izpod nadzora.
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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Prijatelji so me spraševali:
"James, greš na pijačo?"
"James, greš na pijačo?"
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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In odgovarjal sem: "Ne morem,
pričakujem email o nekem zlatu."
pričakujem email o nekem zlatu."
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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Zato sem se odločil, da končam s tem.
Moral sem narediti nesmiseln zaključek.
Moral sem narediti nesmiseln zaključek.
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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Zamislil sem si načrt.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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Rekel sem: "Solomon, skrbi me za varnost.
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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Ko si pošiljava emaile,
04:55
When we email each other,
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morava uporabljati šifre."
04:56
we need to use a code."
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05:00
And he agreed.
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In strinjal se je.
05:01
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
Rekel sem: "Solomon,
vso noč sem si izmišljal te šifre,
vso noč sem si izmišljal te šifre,
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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ki jih morava uporabljati
v nadaljnji korespondenci:
v nadaljnji korespondenci:
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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Odvetnik: Gumijasti medvedek.
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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Banka: Kremno jajce.
Pravno: Gazirana steklenica kole.
Zahtevek: M&M z arašidi.
Zahtevek: M&M z arašidi.
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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Dokumenti: Žele bonboni.
Western Union: Orjaški gumijasti kuščar.
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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05:22
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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Vedel sem, da vse te besede uporabljajo.
05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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Rekel sem: "Prosim,
če me od zdaj naprej naslavljaš s KitKat."
če me od zdaj naprej naslavljaš s KitKat."
05:30
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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Ni se več oglasil.
Mislil sem, da sem šel predaleč.
Mislil sem, da sem šel predaleč.
05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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Šel sem predaleč.
Zato sem moral narediti korak nazaj.
Zato sem moral narediti korak nazaj.
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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Rekel sem: "Solomon, a posel še velja?
05:44
KitKat."
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KitKat."
05:45
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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Ker morate biti dosledni.
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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Potem pa sem dobil njegov odgovor.
Rekel je: "Posel še velja,
poskušam bla bla bla..."
poskušam bla bla bla..."
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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Rekel sem: "Stari, uporabljaj šifre!"
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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Kar je sledilo, je najboljši email,
kar sem jih kdaj prejel.
kar sem jih kdaj prejel.
06:04
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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Brez heca, to sem dobil v nabiralnik.
06:10
This was a good day.
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To je bil dober dan.
06:13
"The business is on.
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"Posel še velja.
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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Poskušam zbrati sredstva
za Gumijastega medvedka -
za Gumijastega medvedka -
06:18
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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da bo lahko poslal vse potrebne
Gazirane steklenice kole Žele bonbonov
Gazirane steklenice kole Žele bonbonov
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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Kremnemu jajcu,
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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da se bo proces
M&M z arašidi lahko pričel.
M&M z arašidi lahko pričel.
06:32
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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Pošlji 1.500 funtov
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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prek Orjaškega gumijastega kuščarja."
06:38
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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In to je bilo tako zabavno,
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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da sem pomislil:
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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kaj bi se zgodilo, če bi porabil,
kolikor časa je mogoče,
kolikor časa je mogoče,
za odgovarjanje na
čim več prevarantskih emailov?
čim več prevarantskih emailov?
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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In to sem počel
07:03
for three years
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tri leta
07:05
on your behalf.
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v vašem imenu.
07:06
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
07:08
(Applause)
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(aplavz)
Nore stvari se dogajajo,
ko odgovarjate na prevarantske emaile.
ko odgovarjate na prevarantske emaile.
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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07:14
It's really difficult,
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Zelo težko je
in močno priporočam, da to počnemo.
in močno priporočam, da to počnemo.
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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Mislim, da kar počnem, ni zlobno.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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Mnogo ljudi prevarantom
počne zlobne stvari.
počne zlobne stvari.
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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Jaz samo tratim njihov čas.
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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In mislim, da ves čas,
ki ga porabijo z mano,
ki ga porabijo z mano,
je čas, ki ga ne porabijo
za prevare ranljivih odraslih,
za prevare ranljivih odraslih,
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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da bi jim pobrali prihranke, kajne?
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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In če boste to počeli -
in močno priporočam, da to počnete -
in močno priporočam, da to počnete -
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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2011
si naredite email s psevdonimom.
Ne uporabljajte
svojega pravega email naslova.
svojega pravega email naslova.
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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To sem počel na začetku
in bila je nočna mora.
in bila je nočna mora.
Zjutraj sem se zbujal in imel
na tisoče emailov o povečevanju penisa
na tisoče emailov o povečevanju penisa
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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07:46
about penis enlargements,
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in samo en od njih je bil pravi odgovor -
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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07:49
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
na zdravstveno vprašanje,
ki sem ga zastavil.
ki sem ga zastavil.
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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Nekaj pa vam povem, ljudje,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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poslušajte: vsak dan je dober dan,
vsak dan je dober dan,
vsak dan je dober dan,
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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če dobite mail, ki se začne tako:
08:01
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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"JAZ SEM WINNIE MANDELA,
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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DRUGA ŽENA NELSONA MANDELE
BIVŠEGA PREDSEDNIKA JUŽNE AFRIKE."
BIVŠEGA PREDSEDNIKA JUŽNE AFRIKE."
In sem si mislil, oh, ta Winnie Mandela!
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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08:12
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
08:13
I know so many.
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Toliko jih poznam.
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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"IZ DRŽAVE MORAM NAKAZATI
45 MILIJONOV DOLARJEV
45 MILIJONOV DOLARJEV
ZARADI ZDRAVSTVENEGA STANJA
MOJEGA MOŽA NELSONA MANDELE."
MOJEGA MOŽA NELSONA MANDELE."
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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Naj se vam to usede.
08:21
Let that sink in.
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08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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To mi je poslala, kar je naravnost smešno.
08:26
(Laughter)
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2947
(smeh)
08:29
And this.
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In to.
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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To zgleda kar legitimno,
to je pisno pooblastilo.
to je pisno pooblastilo.
A odkrito povedano,
če na njem nič ne piše, je le oblika!
če na njem nič ne piše, je le oblika!
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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08:37
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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Rekel sem:
"Winnie, res mi je žal, da to slišim.
"Winnie, res mi je žal, da to slišim.
Glede na to,
da je Nelson umrl pred tremi meseci,
da je Nelson umrl pred tremi meseci,
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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512034
2586
bi njegovo zdravstveno stanje
opisal kot dokaj resno."
opisal kot dokaj resno."
08:46
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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To je najslabše možno zdravstveno stanje,
da niste živi.
da niste živi.
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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Odgovorila je: "PRIJAZNO UPOŠTEVAJTE
NAVODILA MOJEGA BANKIRJA.
NAVODILA MOJEGA BANKIRJA.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
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ONE LOVE [ena ljubezen]."
08:59
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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Rekel sem: "Seveda. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
09:04
(Laughter)
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532167
3504
(smeh)
09:07
(Applause)
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3496
(aplavz)
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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Rekla je: "MOJ BANKIR POTREBUJE
PRENOS 3000 DOLARJEV. ONE LOVE."
PRENOS 3000 DOLARJEV. ONE LOVE."
09:15
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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Rekel sem: "no problemo.
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
09:31
(Laughter)
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(smeh)
09:32
Thank you.
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Hvala.
09:33
(Applause)
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561942
13263
(aplavz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com