TEDGlobal>Geneva
James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Inilah yang terjadi ketika Anda membalas email spam
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Email mencurigakan: obligasi asuransi yang tidak diklaim, deposit-box yang penuh dengan berlian, teman dekat yang terdampar di negara asing. Mereka muncul di inbox kita, dan prosedur standarnya adalah langsung menghapusnya. Tapi apa yang terjadi kalau Anda membalasnya? Ikutilah narasi menggelikan penulis dan komedian James Veitch, yang berkirim email dengan seorang penipu yang menawarinya ikut serta dalam transaksi menggiurkan.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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Beberapa tahun yang lalu,
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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saya menerima satu email spam
yang berhasil lolos dari penyaring spam
saya.
saya.
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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Entah bagaimana,
tapi email ini masuk ke inbox saya,
tapi email ini masuk ke inbox saya,
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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dan pengirimnya adalah seseorang
bernama Solomon Odonkoh.
bernama Solomon Odonkoh.
00:24
(Laughter)
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(Tertawa)
00:26
I know.
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Ya kan?
00:27
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
00:28
It went like this:
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Isinya begini:
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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katanya, "Halo James Veitch,
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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Saya memiliki proposal bisnis yang ingin
saya bahas dengan Anda, Solomon."
saya bahas dengan Anda, Solomon."
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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Nah, tangan saya bergerak untuk menghapus
email ini dong?
email ini dong?
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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Saya lihat ponsel saya. Saya pikir,
saya bisa menghapusnya begitu saja.
saya bisa menghapusnya begitu saja.
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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Atau saya bisa melakukan yang, kita semua,
sudah lama ingin lakukan.
sudah lama ingin lakukan.
00:46
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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Dan saya tulis, "Solomon,
email Anda menarik perhatian saya."
email Anda menarik perhatian saya."
00:52
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
00:55
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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Dan permainan dimulai.
Dia membalas, "Dear James Veitch,
Kami akan mengirimkan emas pada Anda."
Kami akan mengirimkan emas pada Anda."
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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01:08
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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"Anda akan mendapat untung 10%
dari emas yang Anda distribusikan."
dari emas yang Anda distribusikan."
01:13
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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Saya jadi tahu dia profesional.
01:17
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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Saya tulis, "Berapa nilainya?"
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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Katanya, "Kita akan mulai dari jumlah
kecil dulu," --
kecil dulu," --
01:27
I was like, aww --
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Saya pikir, ohh --
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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dan kemudlian dia bilang, "25 kg.
01:31
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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Nilainya sekitar 2,5 juta dolar AS.
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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Saya bilang, "Solomon, kalau kita akan
berbisnis, jumlah besar saja.
berbisnis, jumlah besar saja.
01:42
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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Saya bisa mengurusnya.
Berapa banyak emas yang Anda punya?
Berapa banyak emas yang Anda punya?
01:54
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
Katanya, "Ini bukan soal berapa
banyak emas yang saya punya,
banyak emas yang saya punya,
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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tapi kemampuan Anda menanganinya.
02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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Kita bisa mulai dengan 50 kg
sebagai percobaan.
sebagai percobaan.
02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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Kata saya, "50 kg?
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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Tidak ada gunanya bertransaksi
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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kecuali Anda mau mengirim setidaknya
1 ton."
1 ton."
02:10
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
02:11
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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Katanya, "Apa pekerjaan Anda?"
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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Saya jawab, "Saya manager eksekutif
hedge fund di bank."
hedge fund di bank."
02:22
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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Ini bukan pertama kalinya saya mengirim
milyaran, kawan,
milyaran, kawan,
02:29
no no no.
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Tidak.
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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Lalu saya mulai panik.
02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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Saya tanya, "Lokasi Anda dimana?"
02:35
I don't know about you,
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Entah dengan Anda,
02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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tapi kalau kita akan menggunakan jasa pos,
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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harus ada yang tanda tangan.
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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Jumlahnya besar."
02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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Katanya, "Tidak akan mudah meyakinkan
perusahaan saya
perusahaan saya
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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untuk mengirim jumlah lebih besar."
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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Kata saya,
"Solomon, saya setuju sepenuhnya.
"Solomon, saya setuju sepenuhnya.
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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Saya akan menyiapkan sesuatu untuk
kamu tunjukkan di rapat umum.
kamu tunjukkan di rapat umum.
02:52
Hold tight."
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Bersiaplah."
02:54
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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Saya mengirim ini ke Solomon.
03:03
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:05
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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Saya tidak tahu apa ada ahli statistik
di sini,
di sini,
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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tapi jelas ada sesuatu dalam grafik ini.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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Saya bilang, "Solomon, saya mengirimkan
sebuah grafik yang berguna untuk Anda."
sebuah grafik yang berguna untuk Anda."
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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Salah satu asisten saya menghitungnya."
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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Kami siap mengirimkan
sebanyak mungkin emas."
sebanyak mungkin emas."
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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Ada saat dimana nurani Anda tergerak,
dan inilah saatnya bagi Solomon.
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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Katanya, "Saya akan sangat senang kalau
transaksi ini lancar,
transaksi ini lancar,
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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karena saya juga akan menerima komisi
yang cukup besar."
yang cukup besar."
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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Dan saya bilang, "Bagus. Anda akan
gunakan untuk apa uangnya?"
gunakan untuk apa uangnya?"
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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Katanya, "Properti.
Bagaimana dengan Anda?"
Bagaimana dengan Anda?"
03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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Saya memikirkannya selama beberapa waktu.
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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Dan saya jawab, "Satu kata,:
03:53
Hummus."
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Hummus."
03:54
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:00
"It's going places.
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"Ini akan berhasil."
04:01
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
Saya ada di Sainsbury beberapa waktu lalu
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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dan menemukan 30 jenis hummus.
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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Anda juga bisa mengiris wortel
dan mencelupnya.
dan mencelupnya.
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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Apa Anda pernah mencobanya, Solomon?"
04:11
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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Katanya, "Saya harus tidur sekarang."
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:18
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
04:21
"Till morrow.
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"Sampai besok.
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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Tidur yang nyenyak."
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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Saya tidak tahu mau bilang apa.
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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Saya bilang, "Selamat malam
nugget emasku, selamat malam."
nugget emasku, selamat malam."
04:30
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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Kalian harus tahu, ini berlangsung
selama beberapa minggu,
selama beberapa minggu,
yang meskipun adalah saat terbaik
hidup saya,
hidup saya,
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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saya harus menyelesaikannya.
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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Saya mulai kehilangan kendali.
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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Teman-teman saya mengundang,
"James, kamu mau ikut minum?"
"James, kamu mau ikut minum?"
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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Saya jawab, "Nggak bisa, saya sedang
menunggu email soal emas."
menunggu email soal emas."
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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Jadi saya rasa saya harus
menyelesaikannya.
menyelesaikannya.
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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Saya harus mengambil kesimpulan ini.
Jadi saya membuat rencana.
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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Saya bilang, "Solomon,
saya khawatir soal keamanan.
saya khawatir soal keamanan.
04:55
When we email each other,
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Dalam email,
04:56
we need to use a code."
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kita harus memakai kata sandi."
05:00
And he agreed.
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Dan dia setuju.
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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Saya bilang, "Solomon, saya semalaman
memikirkan sandi
memikirkan sandi
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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yang harus kita gunakan dalam
email seterusnya:
email seterusnya:
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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Pengacara: Permen beruang.
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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Bank: Telur kocok.
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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Legal: Botol cola bersoda.
Klaim: Kacang M&M.
Klaim: Kacang M&M.
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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Dokumen: Selai kacang.
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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Western Union: Kadal karet raksasa."
05:22
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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Ini adalah kata-kata yang mereka gunakan,
kan?
kan?
05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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Saya bilang, "Panggil saya Kitkat
untuk seterusnya."
untuk seterusnya."
05:30
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
Saya tidak mendapat balasan.
Saya pikir, saya kelewatan.
Saya pikir, saya kelewatan.
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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Saya sudah kelewatan.
Saya harus mundur sedikit.
Saya harus mundur sedikit.
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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Saya tulis, "Solomon, apa transaksi kita
masih jalan?
masih jalan?
05:44
KitKat."
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Kitkat."
05:45
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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Karena Anda harus konsisten.
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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Lalu saya dapat email darinya.
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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Katanya, "Bisnis kita masih jalan dan
saya sedang bla bla bla ..."
saya sedang bla bla bla ..."
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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Saya bilang, "Solomon,
kamu harus menggunakan sandinya!"
kamu harus menggunakan sandinya!"
Berikutnya saya menerima email terhebat
yang pernah saya terima.
yang pernah saya terima.
06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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06:04
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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Saya nggak bercanda, ini yang muncul
di inbox saya.
di inbox saya.
06:10
This was a good day.
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Hari yang indah.
06:13
"The business is on.
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"Bisnis kita masih jalan.
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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Saya sedang meningkatkan saldo untuk
Permen beruang --
Permen beruang --
06:18
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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supaya dia bisa menyerahkan semua Botol
cola bersoda Selai kacang
cola bersoda Selai kacang
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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pada Telur kocok,
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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agar proses kacang M&M bisa mulai.
06:32
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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Kirim 1.500 Poundsterling
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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lewat Kadal karet raksasa."
06:38
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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Menyenangkan, bukan,
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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saya jadi berpikir:
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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bagaimana seandainya saya
menghabiskan sebanyak mungkin waktu
menghabiskan sebanyak mungkin waktu
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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membalas sebanyak mungkin email
penipuan?
penipuan?
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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Dan itulah yang sudah saya lakukan
07:03
for three years
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selama 3 tahun
07:05
on your behalf.
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untuk Anda.
07:06
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
07:08
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
Hal-hal gila terjadi ketika Anda mulai
membalas email penipuan.
membalas email penipuan.
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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07:14
It's really difficult,
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Sungguh sulit,
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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dan saya rekomendasikan.
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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Yang saya lakukan tidak kejam.
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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Ada banyak orang melakukan hal kejam
pada para penipu.
pada para penipu.
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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Yang saya lakukan hanya membuang waktu
mereka.
mereka.
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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Dan waktu yang mereka gunakan untuk saya
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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adalah waktu yang tidak mereka gunakan
menipu orang lain
menipu orang lain
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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memoroti tabungan mereka, kan?
07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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Dan kalau Anda ingin melakukannya,
dan sangat saya rekomendasikan --
dan sangat saya rekomendasikan --
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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buatlah email samaran.
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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Jangan gunakan alamat email Anda,
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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Itu yang saya lakukan ketika baru mulai,
dan parah sekali.
dan parah sekali.
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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Saya menerima ribuan email
ketika bangun di pagi hari,
ketika bangun di pagi hari,
07:46
about penis enlargements,
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tentang pembesaran penis,
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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yang hanya satu yang benar-benar --
07:49
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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menjawab pertanyaan medis saya.
07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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Tapi kalian tahu,
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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setiap hari adalah hari baik,
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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kalau Anda menerima email yang
dimulai dengan:
dimulai dengan:
08:01
(Laughter)
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2814
(Tawa)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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"SAYA WINNIE MANDELA,
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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475094
3294
ISTRI KEDUA NELSON MANDELA,
MANTAN PRESIDEN AFRIKA SELATAN."
MANTAN PRESIDEN AFRIKA SELATAN."
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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1903
Saya pikir, oh! --
Winnie Mandela yang itu.
Winnie Mandela yang itu.
08:12
(Laughter)
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1081
(Tawa)
08:13
I know so many.
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Saya kenal banyak Winnie.
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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"SAYA PERLU MENGIRIMKAN 45 JUTA DOLAR AS
KE LUAR NEGERI
KE LUAR NEGERI
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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2770
KARENA KONDISI KESEHATAN SUAMI SAYA,
NELSON MANDELA."
NELSON MANDELA."
08:21
Let that sink in.
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1159
Pikirkan dulu.
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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Dia mengirimkan ini pada saya,
sangat lucu.
sangat lucu.
(Tawa)
08:26
(Laughter)
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2947
08:29
And this.
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1159
Dan ini.
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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3199
Dan ini kelihatannya asli,
ini adalah surat kuasa.
ini adalah surat kuasa.
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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Tapi sejujurnya, tidak ada yang tertulis
di sana, hanya sebuah bangun!
di sana, hanya sebuah bangun!
08:37
(Laughter)
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1853
(Tawa)
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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2342
Saya bilang,
"Winnie, saya turut berduka cita.
"Winnie, saya turut berduka cita.
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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510017
1993
Mengingat Nelson meninggal 3 bulan
yang lalu,
yang lalu,
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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2586
menurut saya kondisi kesehatannya
sangat serius."
sangat serius."
08:46
(Laughter)
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2814
(Tawa)
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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Itu adalah kondisi kesehatan terburuk,
tidak hidup.
tidak hidup.
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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Dia bilang, "HARAP MEMENUHI INSTRUKSI
BANK SAYA.
BANK SAYA.
08:58
ONE LOVE."
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1158
ONE LOVE."
08:59
(Laughter)
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1952
(Tawa)
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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1818
Saya bilang, "Tentu saja.
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
09:04
(Laughter)
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3504
(Tawa)
09:07
(Applause)
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3496
(Tepuk tangan)
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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3151
Dia bilang, "BANK SAYA PERLU MENERIMA
TRANSFER 3000 DOLAR AS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER 3000 DOLAR AS. ONE LOVE."
09:15
(Laughter)
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2134
(Tawa)
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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1969
Saya bilang, "Tidak masalah.
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
(judul lagu Bob Marley)
(judul lagu Bob Marley)
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
09:31
(Laughter)
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(Tawa)
09:32
Thank you.
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Terima kasih.
09:33
(Applause)
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(Tepuk tangan)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com