James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
جیمز وتیک: آنچه هنگام جواب دادن به یک هرزنامه اتفاق میفتد
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to get through my spam filter.
از فیلتر هرزنامهام بگذرد.
but it turned up in my inbox,
اما سر از دریافت هایم درآورد،
called Solomon Odonkoh.
I want to share with you, Solomon."
که مایلم با تو در میان بگذارم، سلیمان.»
on the delete button, right?
به سراغ دکمه حذف رفت، خب؟
I thought, I could just delete this.
فکر کردم خوب میتوانم حذفش کنم،
we've all always wanted to do.
میخواهیم را انجام دهیم.
Your email intrigues me."
ایمیلت من را برانگیخت.»
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
ما باید برایت طلا ارسال کنیم.»
of any gold you distributes."
توزیع کنی را دریافت خواهی کرد.»
with a professional.
with smaller quantity," --
شروع خواهیم کرد،»--
going to do it, let's go big.
را کنیم، بگذار از زیاد شروع کنیم.»
How much gold do you have?"
چقدر طلا داری؟
of how much gold I have,
your capability of handling.
در اداره کردن آن است.
as trial shipment."
at least a metric ton."
executive bank manager."
در بانک هستم.»
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
شمش طلا جابجا می کنم.
via the postal service,
to convince my company
برای انجام مقادیر بزرگتر
with you on this one.
کاملا با تو موافقم.
to take into the board meeting.
که برای جلسه هیات مدیره ببری.
any statisticians in the house,
you'll find a helpful chart.
یک نمودار مفید را خواهید دید.»
run the numbers.
که محاسبات را انجام دهد.
as much gold as possible."
to tug your heartstrings,
قلب شما را از آن خود کنند،
if the deal goes well,
که معامله خوب پیش برود،
a very good commission as well."
خیلی خوبی دریافت کنم.»
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
قصد داری سهمت را چطور خرج کنی؟»
what about you?"
تو چطور؟»
30 different varieties.
and you can dip them.
و توی آنها غوطهورشان کنید.
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
شبت خوش( به فرانسوی).»
this had been going for, like, weeks,
هفتهها ادامه داشت،
weeks of my life,
هفتههای عمرم بودند
do you want to come for a drink?"
بریم یک نوشیدنی بزنیم؟»
an email about some gold."
طلا هستم.»
to knock it on the head.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
I'm concerned about security.
از امنیت کار میترسم.
coming up with this code
درست کردن این کد کردم،
in all further correspondence:
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
اعلام خسارت: بادام زمینی ام اند امز.
سوسمار بادکنکی غول پیکر.
they use, right?
که آنها استفاده می کردند، خب؟
in all further correspondence."
من را کیتکت صدا کن.»
I thought, I've gone too far.
فکر کردم، زیاده روی کردم.
So I had to backpedal a little.
پس کمی ماستمالی کردم.
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
سعی میکنم که ...»
I've ever received.
turned up in my inbox.
که دریافت کردم.
for the Gummy Bear --
بین آدامس بادکنکی را بالا ببرم--
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
برای آب نبات ژلهای را به
as much time as could
تا جایی که وقتم اجازه میداد
scam emails as I could?
replying to scam emails.
به ایمیلهای شیادها جواب میدهید.
who do mean things to scammers.
شیادها می کنند.
they're spending with me
آنها با من صرف میکنند
scamming vulnerable adults
صرف شیادی از پس اندازهای
and I highly recommend you do --
و اکیدا توصیه انجامش را به شما می کنم--
برای خودتان دست کنید.
and it was a nightmare.
و برایم مثل یک کابوس بود.
and have a thousand emails
was a legitimate response --
any day is a good day
بله هر روز یک روز خوب است
that begins like this:
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
رییس جمهور سابق آفریقای جنوبی.»
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
خارج از کشور انتقال دهم
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
بسیار خنده دار است.
this is a letter of authorization.
نامه وکالت.
written on it, it's just a shape!
چیزی نوشته نشده باشد، فقط یک شکل است.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
متاسفم این را می شنوم.
سه ماه قبل مرد،
as fairly serious."
you can have, not being alive.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
نباید گریه کند.»
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
نیاز دارد، با عشق برای همه مردم دنیا.»
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com