James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
James Veitch: Isto é o que acontece quando se responde a um e-mail de spam
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to get through my spam filter.
but it turned up in my inbox,
apareceu na minha caixa de entrada.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
I want to share with you, Solomon."
para partilhar contigo, Solomon."
on the delete button, right?
passava pelo botão "delete".
I thought, I could just delete this.
o que penso que sempre queremos fazer".
we've all always wanted to do.
Your email intrigues me."
o teu e-mail intriga-me."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
vamos enviar-te Ouro."
of any gold you distributes."
que distribuíres."
with a professional.
a lidar com um perito.
with smaller quantity," --
uma quantia menor."
de 2,5 milhões de dólares".
going to do it, let's go big.
a frente, tem que ser em grande.
How much gold do you have?"
Quanto ouro é que tens?"
of how much gold I have,
de quanto ouro eu tenho,
de lidar com ele.
your capability of handling.
as trial shipment."
como um ensaio."
pelo menos uma tonelada."
at least a metric ton."
executive bank manager."
de investimentos de risco."
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
ouro, meu caro,
as encomendas postais,
via the postal service,
to convince my company
convencer a minha empresa
with you on this one.
estou totalmente de acordo.
to take into the board meeting.
para levares à reunião de administração.
any statisticians in the house,
isto mostra qualquer coisa.
you'll find a helpful chart.
encontras um gráfico útil.
run the numbers.
as much gold as possible."
uma maior quantidade de ouro."
to tug your heartstrings,
que toca num ponto sensível,
se o negócio correr bem,
if the deal goes well,
uma boa comissão."
a very good commission as well."
Em que vais gastar a tua parte?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
what about you?"
30 different varieties.
and you can dip them.
e metê-los lá dentro.
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
minha pepita dourada, bonsoir."
this had been going for, like, weeks,
durante semanas,
weeks of my life,
"James, vens tomar um copo?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
de um e-mail sobre ouro."
an email about some gold."
to knock it on the head.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
com a segurança.
I'm concerned about security.
coming up with this code
a criar um código
in all further correspondence:
Alegação: M&Ms de amendoim
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
they use, right?
estas palavras.
in all further correspondence."
em toda a correspondência futura."
I thought, I've gone too far.
Pensei, fui longe demais.
So I had to backpedal a little.
Por isso dei um passinho atrás.
está ativo?
e ... blá blá blá..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
I've ever received.
e-mail que jamais recebi.
turned up in my inbox.
que chegou ao meu e-mail.
for the Gummy Bear --
para o Ursinho...
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
todas as gomas de Coca-Cola
dos M&Ms de amendoim.
as much time as could
o máximo de tempo possível
scam emails as I could?
de spam que pudesse?
replying to scam emails.
ao responder a e-mails de spam.
mas recomendo-o vivamente.
who do mean things to scammers.
coisas más a quem envia spam.
é fazê-los perder tempo.
they're spending with me
a enganar adultos vulneráveis
scamming vulnerable adults
and I highly recommend you do --
recomendo vivamente —
e era um pesadelo.
and it was a nightmare.
and have a thousand emails
was a legitimate response --
any day is a good day
são um bom dia
that begins like this:
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
sul-africano Nelson Mandela."
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
de dólares para fora do país
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
do meu marido Nelson Mandela."
this is a letter of authorization.
é uma carta de autorização.
nada escrito aqui, é só um modelo!
written on it, it's just a shape!
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
por saber disto.
morreu há três meses,
as fairly serious."
de saúde muito grave."
you can have, not being alive.
que se pode ter, não estar vivo".
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
as minhas instruções bancárias.
"Claro. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
de 3000 dólares. ONE LOVE."
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com