TEDGlobal>Geneva
James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email
詹姆斯·维奇: 回复垃圾邮件时会发生什么
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我们都收到过莫名奇妙的邮件：未兑现的人寿保险、镶满钻石的银行保险箱、被困在外国的亲朋好友……这些邮件在我们的收件箱里蹦出来，而我们的第一反应就是把它们删掉。但是当你回复这些邮件时会发生什么呢？请听作家兼喜剧演员詹姆斯·维奇（James Veitch）为我们带来一个长达数周的荒谬故事——面对一桩“大生意”，看看他如何机智地与诈骗犯周旋。
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
A few years ago,
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几年前，
00:13
I got one of those spam emails.
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我收到了一封垃圾邮件。
00:17
And it managed
to get through my spam filter.
to get through my spam filter.
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我的垃圾邮件过滤器没起作用。
00:19
I'm not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox,
but it turned up in my inbox,
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我不知道它是怎么做到的，
但它的确出现在了我的收件箱里，
但它的确出现在了我的收件箱里，
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh.
called Solomon Odonkoh.
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发件人是个叫所罗门·奥东寇的家伙。
00:24
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:26
I know.
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我知道。
00:27
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:28
It went like this:
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邮件是这么开头的：
00:29
it said, "Hello James Veitch,
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信上说：“你好，詹姆斯·维奇，
00:31
I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon."
I want to share with you, Solomon."
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我有个挺有意思的投资提案，
想和你谈一谈——所罗门”
想和你谈一谈——所罗门”
00:36
Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right?
on the delete button, right?
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这时我的手指大概
已经放在删除键上了，对吧？
已经放在删除键上了，对吧？
00:39
I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this.
I thought, I could just delete this.
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我当时看着我的手机，
心想我可以直接删了它。
心想我可以直接删了它。
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've all always wanted to do.
we've all always wanted to do.
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或者我也可以做点什么，
我们每个人一直都很想做的事。
我们每个人一直都很想做的事。
00:46
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:50
And I said, "Solomon,
Your email intrigues me."
Your email intrigues me."
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于是我说：“所罗门，
你的邮件令我很感兴趣。”
你的邮件令我很感兴趣。”
00:52
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
00:55
(Applause)
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（掌声）
01:00
And the game was afoot.
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游戏就此开始。
01:05
He said, "Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
We shall be shipping Gold to you."
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他说：“亲爱的詹姆斯·维奇，
我们会给你运送黄金。”
我们会给你运送黄金。”
01:08
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes."
of any gold you distributes."
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“你可以将黄金转手，
赚取10%的回扣。”
赚取10%的回扣。”
01:13
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:15
So I knew I was dealing
with a professional.
with a professional.
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于是我就知道了，
和我打交道的是个高手。
和我打交道的是个高手。
01:17
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth?"
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我说：“它价值多少？”
01:25
He said, "We will start
with smaller quantity," --
with smaller quantity," --
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他说：“我们一开始可以做小一点。”
01:27
I was like, aww --
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我当时就，“哎……”
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs.
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然后他说：“25公斤。”
01:31
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:34
The worth should be about $2.5 million."
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“总价值大约250万美元。”
01:39
I said, "Solomon, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
going to do it, let's go big.
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我说：“所罗门，
我们要做这生意，就干一大票。”
我们要做这生意，就干一大票。”
01:42
(Applause)
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（掌声）
01:50
I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?"
How much gold do you have?"
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“我能搞定。你手上有多少金子？”
01:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter
of how much gold I have,
of how much gold I have,
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他说：“关键不是我有多少，
而是你能接多少。
02:00
what matters is
your capability of handling.
your capability of handling.
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我们一开始可以发过去50公斤试试。”
02:02
We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment."
as trial shipment."
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02:04
I said, "50 kgs?
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我说：“50公斤？
02:06
There's no point doing this at all
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简直一点搞头都没有啊，
02:08
unless you're shipping
at least a metric ton."
at least a metric ton."
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除非你至少运过来一整吨。”
02:10
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:11
(Applause)
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（掌声）
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
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他说：“你是干什么工作的？”
02:17
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge fund
executive bank manager."
executive bank manager."
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我说：“我是银行对冲基金的执行经理。”
02:22
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
I've shipped bullion, my friend,
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“朋友，这不是我第一次运金条了。
02:29
no no no.
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不，不，不。”
02:32
Then I started to panic.
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然后我开始有点慌了。
02:34
I was like, "Where are you based?"
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我当时就说：“你们总部在哪？”
02:35
I don't know about you,
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我还不了解你，
02:37
but I think if we're going
via the postal service,
via the postal service,
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但是我想如果我们要通过邮政业务发货，
02:39
it ought to be signed for.
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一定要办签收。
02:40
That's a lot of gold."
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这笔金子可不算少了。“
02:42
He said, "It will not be easy
to convince my company
to convince my company
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他说：“说服我们公司扩大运货量
02:45
to do larger quantity shipment."
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的确不容易。”
02:46
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely
with you on this one.
with you on this one.
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我说：“所罗门，
我非常同意你的观点。
我非常同意你的观点。
02:49
I'm putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting.
to take into the board meeting.
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我现在给你整理一些图像资料，
你可以带到董事会上去。
你可以带到董事会上去。
02:52
Hold tight."
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我去去就回。”
02:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon.
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这是我发给所罗门的东西。
03:03
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:05
(Applause)
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（掌声）
[财富与金条数量成正比]
[财富与金条数量成正比]
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians in the house,
any statisticians in the house,
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我不知道这里有没有
哪位是统计学家，
哪位是统计学家，
03:14
but there's definitely something going on.
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总之这肯定有点道理吧。
03:16
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:19
I said, "Solomon, attached to this email
you'll find a helpful chart.
you'll find a helpful chart.
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我说：”所罗门，
邮件的附件里有一个有用的图表。
邮件的附件里有一个有用的图表。
03:23
I've had one of my assistants
run the numbers.
run the numbers.
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我让我的助手细致分析了数据。
03:25
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
03:27
We're ready for shipping
as much gold as possible."
as much gold as possible."
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我们把生意做得越大越好啊！”
03:30
There's always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings,
to tug your heartstrings,
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总有些时候你会让别人心痒痒，
对所罗门来说就是这样。
03:33
and this was it for Solomon.
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他说：“如果生意顺利进行，
我会非常开心的，
我会非常开心的，
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well,
if the deal goes well,
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因为我也会获得一笔丰厚的佣金。”
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission as well."
a very good commission as well."
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然后我说：“这太棒了！
你打算怎么花这笔钱？”
你打算怎么花这笔钱？”
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
What are you going to spend your cut on?"
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他说：“投资不动产，你呢？”
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate,
what about you?"
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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我想了很久。
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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然后我说：“就一个词：
03:53
Hummus."
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豆沙酱。”
03:54
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
04:00
"It's going places.
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“这肯定有戏的啦。”
04:01
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's the other day
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我有天在英佰瑞超市，
04:05
and there were like
30 different varieties.
30 different varieties.
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那里有30多种豆沙酱。
04:07
Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them.
and you can dip them.
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而且你还可以切碎胡萝卜，
然后蘸着它来吃。
然后蘸着它来吃。
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
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你有试过吗，所罗门？！”
04:11
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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他说：“我要去睡觉了。”
04:16
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
04:18
(Applause)
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（掌声）
04:21
"Till morrow.
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“明天再聊。
04:24
Have sweet dream."
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祝你好梦！”
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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我当下就无语了！
04:27
I said, "Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
my golden nugget, bonsoir."
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我说：“晚安，我的金条子，晚安。”
04:30
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
04:33
Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
this had been going for, like, weeks,
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同志们，你们得知道，
这个东西进行了大概几周吧，
这个东西进行了大概几周吧，
04:36
albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life,
weeks of my life,
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虽然它目前是我人生中
最快乐的几周，
最快乐的几周，
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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但是我必须得叫停了。
04:40
It was getting a bit out of hand.
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它有点失去控制了。
04:41
Friends were saying, "James,
do you want to come for a drink?"
do you want to come for a drink?"
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朋友跟我说：“詹姆斯，
想要下馆子小酌一杯吗？”
想要下馆子小酌一杯吗？”
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting
an email about some gold."
an email about some gold."
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我的反应就是，“不不不，
我在等一封关于什么黄金的邮件。”
我在等一封关于什么黄金的邮件。”
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
to knock it on the head.
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我觉得我得叫停了。
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion.
to a ridiculous conclusion.
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我得让它发展到一个
超级无厘头的结局。
超级无厘头的结局。
04:52
So I concocted a plan.
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所以我编写了一套计划。
04:53
I said, "Solomon,
I'm concerned about security.
I'm concerned about security.
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我说：“所罗门，
我很担心安全问题。
我很担心安全问题。
04:55
When we email each other,
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当我们互相发邮件时，
04:56
we need to use a code."
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我们要用一种暗号。”
05:00
And he agreed.
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他同意了。
05:01
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:03
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code
coming up with this code
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我说：“所罗门，我想了一晚上，
想到了这些暗号，
想到了这些暗号，
05:06
we need to use
in all further correspondence:
in all further correspondence:
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未来的一切通讯请务必使用：
05:08
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
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律师：小熊橡皮糖。
05:13
Bank: Cream Egg.
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银行：奶油蛋。
05:16
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms.
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法律：可乐QQ糖。
索赔：M&M花生巧克力。
索赔：M&M花生巧克力。
05:18
Documents: Jelly Beans.
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文档：果冻豆。
05:20
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
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西联汇款公司：巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。”
05:22
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:24
I knew these were all words
they use, right?
they use, right?
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我知道这都是行家用的，对吧？
05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence."
in all further correspondence."
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我说，“未来的一切通讯
请称我为KitKat（奇巧巧克力）。”
请称我为KitKat（奇巧巧克力）。”
05:30
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:36
I didn't hear back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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我没收到回信。
我想，我一定做过火了。
我想，我一定做过火了。
05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little.
So I had to backpedal a little.
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我一定做过火了，
所以我得往后退一小步。
所以我得往后退一小步。
05:40
I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on?
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我说：“所罗门，生意还在进行吗？
05:44
KitKat."
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KitKat 敬上。”
05:45
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
05:46
Because you have to be consistent.
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你必须得始终如一。
05:51
Then I did get an email back from him.
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后来我确实收到了他的回复。
05:53
He said, "The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
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他说：“生意还在进行，
然后我在……呜里哇啦……”
然后我在……呜里哇啦……”
05:56
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!"
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我说：“老兄！你要用暗号啊！”
06:01
What followed is the greatest email
I've ever received.
I've ever received.
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之后我收到了一生中
最爆笑的一封邮件。
最爆笑的一封邮件。
06:04
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:07
I'm not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox.
turned up in my inbox.
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我没有开玩笑，
我的收件箱里就是这个。
我的收件箱里就是这个。
06:10
This was a good day.
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那真是好日子。
06:13
"The business is on.
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“生意还在进行，
06:16
I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear --
for the Gummy Bear --
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我在尝试调高小熊橡皮糖的余额……
06:18
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:23
so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
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使他可以提交一切所需的
可乐QQ糖果冻豆，
可乐QQ糖果冻豆，
06:26
to the Creme Egg,
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给奶油蛋，
06:29
for the Peanut M&Ms process to start.
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让M&M花生巧克力能够开始。
06:32
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
06:33
Send 1,500 pounds
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请转账1500英镑，
06:36
via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
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通过巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。”
06:38
(Applause)
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（掌声）
06:49
And that was so much fun, right,
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这实在太好玩了，对吗？
06:51
that it got me thinking:
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让我不禁思考起来：
06:53
like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could
as much time as could
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如果我花尽可能多的时间，
06:56
replying to as many
scam emails as I could?
scam emails as I could?
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回复尽可能多的垃圾邮件，
会发生什么呢？
会发生什么呢？
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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这就是我所做的，
07:03
for three years
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做了整整三年，
07:05
on your behalf.
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都是为了你们。
07:06
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:08
(Applause)
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（掌声）
07:12
Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails.
replying to scam emails.
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当你开始回复垃圾邮件时，
疯狂的事情就会发生。
疯狂的事情就会发生。
07:14
It's really difficult,
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这其实挺难的，
07:16
and I highly recommend we do it.
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但我强烈推荐大家尝试一下。
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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我不觉得我做的事很伤天害理。
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers.
who do mean things to scammers.
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社会上有好多人对诈骗犯
做很残忍的事情。
做很残忍的事情。
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting their time.
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我所做的一切，就是浪费他们时间。
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending with me
they're spending with me
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他们在我身上花的任何精力，
07:29
is time they're not spending
scamming vulnerable adults
scamming vulnerable adults
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都让他们不能去诈骗
其他容易受骗的人，对吧？
其他容易受骗的人，对吧？
07:31
out of their savings, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly recommend you do --
and I highly recommend you do --
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如果你要这么做的话——
我强烈推荐你们这么做，
我强烈推荐你们这么做，
07:37
get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
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先去申请一个匿名的邮箱地址。
07:39
Don't use your own email address.
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千万别用你自己的邮箱。
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare.
and it was a nightmare.
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我一开始就是这么干的，
简直就是噩梦。
简直就是噩梦。
07:43
I'd wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails
and have a thousand emails
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我一早起床会收到一千封邮件，
07:46
about penis enlargements,
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关于阴茎增大什么的，
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate response --
was a legitimate response --
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其中只有一封是可行的方案……
07:49
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
07:51
to a medical question I had.
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解决我的一个生理问题。
07:53
But I'll tell you what, though, guys,
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让我们换个话题，同志们，
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
any day is a good day
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我告诉你：任何一天都是好日子，
07:58
if you receive an email
that begins like this:
that begins like this:
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如果你收到一封这样开头的邮件：
08:01
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:04
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA,
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“我是温妮·曼德拉，
08:07
THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
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前南非总统纳尔逊·曼德拉的
第二任妻子。”
第二任妻子。”
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
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我反应就是：
哦哦！那个温妮·曼德拉啊！
哦哦！那个温妮·曼德拉啊！
08:12
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:13
I know so many.
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我认识好几个呢。
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
OUT OF THE COUNTRY
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“我需要转移4500万美元出国，
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
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因为我的丈夫
纳尔逊的健康状况。”
纳尔逊的健康状况。”
08:21
Let that sink in.
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让我揣摩揣摩。
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical.
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她给我发了这个，简直超级搞笑。
08:26
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:29
And this.
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还有这个。
08:30
And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization.
this is a letter of authorization.
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这看上去挺靠谱的，
是一封授权的证书。
是一封授权的证书。
08:33
But to be honest, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape!
written on it, it's just a shape!
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但是说实话，上面一个字没写的话，
它就是个形状啊！
它就是个形状啊！
08:37
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:39
I said, "Winnie,
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
I'm really sorry to hear of this.
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我说：“温妮，
我很抱歉听到这个消息。
我很抱歉听到这个消息。
08:42
Given that Nelson died three months ago,
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因为纳尔逊三个月前刚去世，
08:44
I'd describe his health condition
as fairly serious."
as fairly serious."
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我觉得他的健康状况确实相当糟糕。”
08:46
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
08:49
That's the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive.
you can have, not being alive.
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“没活着”可是
最糟糕的健康状况了啊。
最糟糕的健康状况了啊。
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS.
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她说：“请遵循银行专员的指示。
08:58
ONE LOVE."
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唯一的爱。”
08:59
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
09:02
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
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我说：“当然了。美女催下男儿泪啊！”
09:04
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
09:07
(Applause)
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（掌声）
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
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她说：“我的银行专员需要
3000美金的转账。唯一的爱。”
3000美金的转账。唯一的爱。”
09:15
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
09:20
I said, "no problemo.
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我说：“小意思。
09:24
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
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我帮你把司法官毙了。”
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
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[（但我没毙掉他的副手）]
09:31
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
09:32
Thank you.
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谢谢。
09:33
(Applause)
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（掌声）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com